"And you're sure my Meta Knights were able to get all of the ponies out of there?" I was currently in my dream with Luna, discussing the hive and the danger it posed to Equestria. Hopefully for the last time in a long while.

"I have no way of being sure. The knights have assured me of their success, and I can sense no more nightmares from ponies, but that does not disqualify the possibility that there are sleepless victims. Regardless, I am confident in your soldiers abilities, having seen them myself. Our ponies are safe, and I will keep an eye on the dream world for awhile yet just in case."

"Alright. I'll take it. So long as Alpha and them can prove impossible to ignore, the queen should be unwilling to try to expand. That gives us time to figure out a more permanent solution. You and Celestia up for that?" Because I want a vacation. Being responsible was taking its toll on me.

"We will try our best. And thank you, for what you have done for us in your short time in Equestria. Enjoy your vacation Elifilis." And then she was gone. I rubbed my eyes as I made a drink. Finally, finally I was getting an actual break. I portaled into Forgo Cave and took two steps before stopping.

Carina was looking at herself in a hand-mirror on the bed, and she had one hoof pulling at her nether regions. She looked up at me with wide eyes and pinched lips as the mirror fell out of her magic grasp and bounced off the bed.

"... Do I need to build some walls? Make some separate spaces or-"

"It's not what it looks like!" She said, not removing her hoof. "It's different from what I remember, okay! I'm not just touching myself on the bed!"

"Well, if that's the case, then you won't mind taking a break and trying to find a better place to wash up then the lake two miles away from us?" Seriously, it was a nice swim, and it taught me my ears are actually good for swimming, but I wasn't sure we were really getting very clean.

"Yep, sure, where we going!"

"I was thinking we could check out Ponyville. I know they have a spa but I don't know how expensive it gets, and we don't exactly have an income, but it's worth a look. And if not we can ask around to see if there's like, a public bathhouse or something." I had been trying to make a working shower in the dream, but the pipework was giving me issues. Most things I didn't need an internal understanding of how they worked, but plumbing was proving to not be one of them.

"Oh!" She liked the spa idea. "Yes! Let's go to the spa! Let me get my wallet!" And she was off. I spent a moment looking at the impression she left on the bed. I didn't see anything, but just in case... "I'm ready! Huh? Where did the bed go?"

"I dunno. Let's go."

Carina was almost entirely submerged in the water, only her muzzle and above safe as she lay on her stomach. The spa was a little pricey, but it was her money and she said we were bathing in luxury. Rather, she was bathing in luxury, I had a hard time fitting in the tub. I had to bring my knees to my chest and tilt my head forward a little uncomfortably to fit.
The showers in Canterlot castle were a little small, but I could at least stand up, and they were made to entertain foreign noble and dignitaries, who could be quite large compared to a pony. This was a pony spa, run by ponies, for ponies.

"Mmmmm~ isn't this the best?"

"Yep, this is the tits alright." I was finding I got more vulgar the more uncomfortable I got, which was counterproductive because then I got more uncomfortable. She just looked at me oddly, though clearly amused.

"Don't you mean the teats?"

"No? What are teats?" Carina's evil smirk confirmed this was the wrong question.

"Oh, I'm so glad you asked." She sat back up and sat herself above the lip of the tub, and then she started rubbing two little bumps just between her legs. "These bad girls are-" The door behind me opened, and I turned around to see... something. It was Twilight and her friends, but they all had something wrong with them. Applejack was hoof-sized, Rarity was mangy, Rainbows wings were on backwards, etc. Far as I could tell, Fluttershy was unaffected.

"Oh my..." Nevermind, that was the deepest voice I'd heard out of a pony yet.

"Hey girls. What's going on with you all?" They just stared past me, and I had just been about to turn around to see what they were staring at when Twilight finally answered back.

"Uh, we uh, are cursed, or rather, uh poisoned! But uh, what's up with you?" Poisoned? What the hell were they doing here?

"Carina was showing me her teats I guess? I didn't know what they were. But, poisoned? Are you all okay? Do you not need to see a doctor?" No answer. It really worried me. Was something really wrong? What was the poison doing to them?
I jumped up and stood from the water as Rarity made a choking sound.

"Girls? Speak to me here!" They were all just refusing to look at me now. It took the feeling of water dripping off of me to make me realize I was 'indecent' again. I was getting really tired of the paradoxical nature of pony nudity.

"Seriously? It wasn't so much that I was erect as much as it was that I had just been in the water?" We were in a small cafe at this point, Carina insisting on treating us to dinner. Even though I could make food. She just sipped her smoothie from her straw before nodding.

"It was also because you had just told them I was showing you my teats. Which has sexual undertones."

"Man, none of this crap makes sense. Am I supposed to be embarrassed about my dick or not?" I was getting some weird looks, I didn't care. "I spent time trying to actively not be embarrassed about my body when I saw that no one else was doing anything to hide theirs, only to find out there are like, a million rules about it? I don't get it."

"Yeah, I'm beginning to see that. I just thought you were playing hard to get." I just shook my head and dipped some chips in my salsa.

"Is that why you're trying to spoil me? Spa trip and dinner? You know it's just making me worry about finances. And, while I'm on the subject, you know I'm not keeping you here right? You don't need to stay in the cave with me if you don't know. That was kind of a heat of the moment decision."

"I'll say. Don't worry, I'm not anywhere I don't want to be." That was a relief. "I'm treating it like an experiment, so I have an idea of what it'll be like when we really get together." And that made me nervous.

"Are you absolutely positive I'm the one you want to pursue? Beyond the fact that I didn't know what teats were until today-" Some poor mare snorted on her drink to my right. "I've also only known you for about a week. Aren't you moving a bit fast?"

"I mean, I'm trying to move fast but you aren't exactly playing ball with me here."

"Alright, hypothetically, had I 'played ball' when you thought I would, how long would we known each other before getting together?"

"Two days, maybe three. Why?" And now a waiter had just tripped on his hoofs and dropped some ice-cream all over the floor.

"Well let's see." I turned left, to a white-furred pony with a shocking blue mane who wasn't even pretending to not listen in. "Hi. Let's say you wanted to get into bed with somepony. From the moment you start propositioning them to the moment they finally warm up to the idea, how long would it take?"

"Well, it took me a year to finally get Octavia to agree to go out with me, and it was another two before she finally bumped butts with me."

"Vinyl! What the fuck!" I'm going to assume that was Octavia sitting across across from her. I ignored the conversation (argument) I instigated between the two and paid attention to Carina instead, who was a little shocked.

"What!? But whenever I convinced one of my brothers-" Uproar. And I was almost part of it. That had never occurred to me. She was part of a hive, regardless of her low opinion on them, they were still all her family. Her only other options were pony prisoners, who she avoided. She looked around at all the panicking ponies in hurt confusion. I just sighed and stood up.

"Attention Everypony! I have an announcement! Shut up!" Vinyl was laughing. "Neither me nor my date here are ponies. Our biology is different, our cultures are different, and we were all raised in vastly different ways. It shocked me too, I admit, but this is the fault of her mother, not her own. Can we all stop gossiping like school children?" I honestly didn't expect that to work, but they all got pensive looks on their faces. Normally, I'd say that meant success, but I couldn't help the feeling that I had just screwed up.

"Do you think zebras-?" And then everyone was screaming out different questions and assumptions about various races, some of which I had never heard of. Is this seriously how ponies act in public?

I stood outside the diner with Carina, listening as they started throwing stuff inside. Vinyl was there too, though Octavia had left claiming to have a headache. That was how Twilight found us.

"Elfilis? Carina? What's going on in there?" I just sighed, I was going to be fousting another problem onto someone else today.

"So, you saw Carina in the spa earlier. Turns out, that's relatively normal for her people back home. Probably because they aren't really allowed and have to be quick so they don't get caught."

"So, what? She made another pass at you and everypony went berserk?" A chair flew through the window, much to the purple unicorns shock.

"No, see, it turns out, her people? They don't function as ponies, at all. All of her potential suitors? Technically related."
I saw the way her ears dropped. "Yeah, we were discussing differences when that little tidbit dropped. I tried calming them all down, acknowledging that it was shocking, but that they shouldn't judge her based on pony values. Then somepony said something about zebras and then all hell broke loose."

"Okay, so, a culture of close family members, like a hive? If you don't mind the bug comparison?" Carina mutely nodded her assent. "Ooh boy. Yeah that's, that's a bit of a doozy. Unfortunately, I think this might be a symptom of a bigger problem." She told us about her day as the diner finally began to die down. About Zecora the zebra, and about how her acting completely normally elicited an irrational fear response in the entire town.

"Seriously? But, me and Carina? They didn't have a problem until just now."

"Well, I did attack you when we first met..."

"You know that doesn't count." It was hardly an attack anyway. That was when Vinyl spoke up.

"It's your colors. You aren't shaped like a pony but you have our typical color vibrancy. Your mare is relatively pony shaped, and she's pinker than Pinkie, so it still seemed somewhat familiar. Zecora has the misfortune of being duller colors and her mane stands up straight, which is not a normal hair style. Octavia had some issues when she first moved into Ponyville, but her mane was a warm enough brown that no pony avoided her. If my mane weren't the vibrant blue it was, I could be having those same issues." And then she went back to sipping at her drink. That I don't think she payed for.

I just looked back at Twilight, my question must have been in my expression.

"That, is a very, very old pony stereotype, but, it does occur to me that Ponyville is one of the most traditional villages left in Equestria. I'm going to have to send another letter to the princess, this is way worse than I thought it was."

"Tia? Is something wrong?"

"Our subjects are fucking idiots."

Carina and I were back in the cave by the time the moon came out, just waiting in silence. It wasn't a comfortable silence either, Carina was trying not to look at me, and I was unsure how to get her to speak up. I was pretty sure I knew what was bothering her, and the fact that she wasn't getting all touchy-feely as she usually would only confirmed it.

"... Elfilis?" Here we go. "Do you, do you still..."

"... Lets say, there is a kid and his parents." I wasn't sure this was really going to equate, but it was what I could come up with. "They did everything right raising this kid. They were kind and courteous to others, they were sympathetic, they loved to learn and ate all their greens, the whole nine yards. With one exception. The whole family curses like sailors."

"Okay...?"

"An old lady says thank you, the kid says, 'You're fucking welcome.' They get a present, they say 'Thats Badass!' And so on and so forth. Obviously, the kid gets in trouble for this. Other parents, kids at school, teachers, even strangers get on this kids case for having foul language. But we know that they don't know better. That that is just the way they were raised. And it's probably how the parents were raised, and the grandparents, and the great-grandparents. So, while whether or not the kid should be allowed to swear is up for debate, would you feel it just to get angry at that kid for doing something that they had been taught to do, or would you try to teach them otherwise, if at all?"

"I guess, it wouldn't really be fair would it?"

"No. I don't think it would be either, regardless of my feeling on their actions." It was a very shy Carina that finally came back and layed on top of me. When I didn't push her away, she let herself snuggle in. Back to way things should be.

"If you're trying to get me to quit, you are doing a very bad job." I guess it was a good thing I wasn't trying then. "Can we... Can we do it? Please?"

"... Are-"

"Hiiiiii~" I think that was the first time I had ever seen her glare at Toby.

"... Your baby is a cockblocker." Oh sure, now he's my baby. Hypocrite.

Author's Note

What do you know, it turns out Ponyville is a terrible place to have a relaxing day out.
Am I the only one who found the Zecora situation extremely odd?
"Let's teach kids about discrimination!"
"How do we do it?"
"Make a non-pony character that the mane 6 have to learn to judge based on actions instead of appearances."
"Nice, what do you have in mind?"
"A zebra, who wears a dark cloak, speaks in riddles, makes potions in a cauldron, lives in a dangerous dark forest, and has lots of tiki masks hanging around everywhere!"
"... Are you sure?"
Don't get me wrong, I like Zecora just fine, but the episode always came across as comical to me over anything else. Had she not been in My Little Pony, she would have been a character most people would've been wary of.