The Unicorn's Notebook

Like a pendulum, I found myself swinging back and forth between moods. I could go downstairs in the morning and sniff the air with a sense of giddiness for the coming day, but then my mind could be an ass and remind me that Rarity broke up with me five days ago. The others either don't know this yet or aren't saying anything. Not in Twilight's case, she really doesn't know. According to Rarity, I opted to go straight home after the fair. The Running of the Leaves took place, and nothing spectacular happened. Or it did, and I missed it entirely. I kept nodding off through it all alongside Pinkie Pie. That's fine, I don't wanna compete with her shenanigans again.

Twilight has purchased a new bed for me, finally. Why she hasn't earlier eludes me, but, well, maybe it didn't fit in her schedule. Either way, it will arrive within the next five days. A new place to hide her notebook since the tingling in my stomach may be the cause of my little problem.

My sleep deprivation. I can't sleep properly. I nod off, but never slumber. I keep rustling the bedsheets next to Twilight, adjusting my head, but never sleep and before I know it, I get up to go prepare breakfast. Ever since I got back, I haven't been able to sleep properly. At first, I had minor slumbers, but now... nothing.

But, it is ample thinking time, only hampered by the fact that my thoughts half form. I keep thinking things relating to my friends. I even wondered if Applejack was the fucking murderer, again. Big Macintosh should crush my kneecaps.

I still questioned myself. Last night, I came to the revelation that I was present for Halcyon Blind's death. Wait, I mean Golden Shutter... right? Either way, I was there for the death, and I... I'm suppressing memories. I have suppressed memories! That explains the nagging feeling! I... I killed Golden Shutter, right? I don't know, but for some reason, I feel as if I was responsible.

But I wasn't. There's no way I could get away with something like murder without Twilight finding out about it. This notebook is proof! She was tracking down this murderer and she was narrowing her search down to potential subjects... and not just 20 or so. She narrowed it down to three possibles after an incident at Sugar Cube Corner. Section three of the book seemed to pin down the Death Note theory, confirming my suspicions.

But how do I know what the Death Note is? It just... came to me. How did I know it? Why do I know it? Questions built up the more I dug into this. Do my friends know about this? They act shifty around me whenever I bring up the mention. It'd make sense since I'm younger and I shouldn't be exposed to death, but I've known many others who died. A librarian in Canterlot, an old classmate of Twilight's in Magic Kindergarten, and a few others. I know what death is and what it means.

Then again, some ponies are driven mad by the revelation of things when death is elaborated upon. Like, maybe I would discover some horrifying truth to death, or learn how to find out how long I am for this world. Or maybe they just don't want me realizing a dark history of Equestria?

I wish they would just fucking say it.

[*][*][*]

Another day. Been a month since we returned to Ponyville... or was it? I'm not sure. I have yet to get a proper sleep. My last full sleep occurred in the godforsaken tent of all places. I had a better sleep when we sat through that tropical storm in the worst tent in the world. Anyways, I think my sleep deprivation is getting to me since I just attempted to wash my breakfast and throw away my plate. I kept wandering back to the hallucination the Haunted House gave us. I don't even know when that was, to be honest. I could not look at a calendar and point out the date I went to it. Either way, it kept me idly distracted and my revelation to the Death Note's existence was... odd. Again, I just knew the name. It came to me. But from where? Why? How? The name sounds so familiar... and gives me a sense of dread.

Luckily, Twilight stepped into the room with an idle stagger accompanied by a yearning yawn. I took my temporary distraction and sniffed the air, smelling the pleasant oak scent mixing with the smell of burning leaves. Winter starts on the first day of Autumn's final month... and I'm dreading it. I believe it was merely a year ago when Twilight's brother got married, and a few weeks after that is the mother of all head-nags.

Standing in Rarity's boutique, assisting with a dress, leaving distressed, and going home. It was simple, it often happened before I got with Rarity, but there was something more to this memory. There's some gap that was present. I was sad, but I did something before going home. Walked around Ponyville, check. Caught in the rain, check. But something between there and arriving home, something happened . . . but I don't remember what. Goddammit.

Wait, this happened yesterday...

“Good morning, Spike,” Twilight beamed as she stretched out across a small table.

Looking at her, I smiled. “Hello, Twilight. Err, mother,” I said, coughing before I corrected myself.

She scrunched up her nose before giggling. “Looks like someone needs a little more sleep.”

I turned to her with an almost glare, wishing nothing more than for her to understand that I didn't find that humourous. But no, I didn't want her to find out about my escapades into the dastardly dark death bullshit. Chuckling instead, I wiggled the pan I held above the stove and looked down.

Oh, I'm making charcoal.

“Spikey, are you doing fine? You did pass out yesterday,” she said. “Also, I smell charred egg.”

I looked at her, lifted the pan and looked back down to it. Unsure what to do, I tossed the charred egg into my mouth and swallowed it. It was pretty good.

“That was because I wasn't paying attention, and I'm okay. So far.”

She shrugged, trusting my judgement (hopefully). I went back to preparing her breakfast once more, this time keeping the eggs edible. Setting the egg sandwich down, I sat next to her, set my head down on the table top, and observed her. She blissfully ate, bobbing her head back and forth without a care in the world. She was blissfully ignorant to my turmoil, and that was the best. I couldn't tell her the truth, so I didn't. I told Rarity, and we broke up. Celestia knows what would happen if Twilight knew I discovered this Death Note.

Death Note...

[*][*][*]

Out of curiosity, I walked back to that same park bench with the pink notebook in hand. Sat down, read it for a bit, and waited. The bell rang and the fillies and colts left. Featherweight fluttered out with the same solemn expression as before. Then again, the entire bunch seems the same. They're all eager to leave. The pegasi are clearing the clouds same as usual, and the notebook's contents began to put everything together. The jumbled information was being linked and narrowed down, and I eagerly flipped through the pages.

“Pinkie Pie's yearbook, Blue Star, Rarity, three colts, Shining Armour, drivers, someone very close and infatuated with my Rarity,” not my Rarity, “and they were using the Death Note. There was a plan to use me as bait; the night where the boutique had a break in, and there was a blank under 'Murderer.' Twilight really isn't the pony you want tracking you down.” I chuckled.

I flipped to the next page, expecting the answer. Nothing. A blank sheet of paper and a smaller one next to it. I flipped through the rest of the book, finding nothing but blank sheets of paper.

“No. Who was the killer?” I asked, my voice cracking. I flipped erratically through the book, reading each word over and over to find the answer... yet nothing. “WHO WAS THE KILLER!?” I shouted, slapping the blank page that taunted me.

Growling, I slapped the notebook shut, grabbed the cover, threw it on the ground, and watched the dust coat it. Snarly and growling, I felt my rage build up.

I lost Rarity, I lost sleep, I can't find the killer, and there's something WRONG with me! No, I'm just fine. The rest of the world is wrong. I'm the sane one, trying to do the responsible thing! I'm trying to bring justice. What, did Twilight just forget? No! She knows! They all know! They aren't telling me! I'M NOT A KID! They know it and I haven't forced it out of them yet out of the goodness of my heart. I didn't want the others to get wrapped up since they're so adamant to stay out of it!

With a quick huff, I spat a ball of fire onto the pink notebook and watch it nearly explode. Not satisfied, I kept unloading fireballs onto it before spraying out a continuous stream on the ground. I wasn't sure if I was hitting it anymore, so I just sprayed streams of flame in the general direction of the small blaze. The ground itself was becoming charred and glassed as I poured hot flame over it. I could feel eyes on me; my sixth-sense seemed to kick in at this very moment... or it was my nose picking up fresh meat.

I shook my head and went to growl, but I could feel the heat behind me. Green flames completely cut off this walkway intersection... but no one was here to object. Quickly, I kicked the dirt and sand at it and stomped on it, putting the blaze down before it turned into an actual five alarm blaze. The ground was no longer normal sand, the intense heat having glassed it. This intersection was ruined. Good job, Spike.

I shuffled back to the bench and slumped down into it, relishing in the cracking of my spine. A hearty moan escaped my mouth as the pleasure rang through my entire back, and I soon settled into a “comfy” sitting position. After a few minutes, another pony sat down next to me. After seeing Halcyon every day for the past month in this exact spot, I didn't even glance over.

“Hello,” I said, staring at the clouding skies.

“Oh, hello,” a female voice said.

And now I was confused once more. Mechanically lifting my head up, I glanced over towards the mystery pony to see a Pegasus mare solemnly looking at me. Sitting up straight, I looked at the mare, examining her body.

“Uh, how are you?” I hesitantly asked.

“I'm doing okay,” she said. She looked down towards the ground.

Looking towards her, I raised an eyebrow. “Where's Halcyon?”

“You're certainly chatty, today,” she replied.

I shifted my position to face her easier. A quick glance back to the school showed an empty schoolyard void of children. I felt a weird sensation when I looked at this mare as well as the school.

“What're you talking about? I need to see Halcyon. We've met here every day for the past month and a half,” I said, frantically looking around.

“Sir, you must be tired. I've sat here next to you for the past month; you just sat there, staring at the skies. I mean, this is a lovely spot to rest,” she replied calmly.

Slowly, my head turned towards the mystery mare. Eyes focused yet wide open, I attempted to process this. The area we were in had several more ponies, none of them were Halcyon Blind. And this mare says that she's the one that sat with me for the past month?

“What are you talking about? There was a stallion Pegasus, we've met here for the past month,” I said.

She gave me yet another solemn stare as if she was taking pity on me. “I assure you, there is no one named Halcyon that has sat here. I've been here each day.”

Looking back to the glassed intersection, I stood up and stumbled towards the shiny ground. I saw my reflection and my eyes as slits. Thick, heavy bags under my eyes and bloodshot eyes stared back at me. Teeth grit like a chainsaw, my hands grabbed onto my head as I shuddered, feeling a weird feeling plaguing my mind like a hurricane. Something is going on. Something is screwing with my head.

“Is that it, huh!?  Just some game or a big joke? Let's all have a laugh on Spike! Yeah, go fuck with his head! He's a dragon, not like he's going to be here for long in the first place,” I shouted out to the park in general.

Several ponies turned to my attention, still giving me those accusing looks and stares of contempt. I wanted each of them to fess up.

“Are my friends scared of me!? That's it, isn't it! It's because I'm a monster. My friends want me gone or... it's Big Macintosh! He's doing this because of what I said about Applejack! Well whatever he's paying you, he's wasting it all! His mind games aren't doing shit! YOU HEAR THAT, BIG MACINTOSH!?” I roared, stomping my foot on the glassed ground. It cracked and shattered and I fell onto all fours, slamming my fists repeatedly into it. Small shards jammed in between my scales but I payed no attention.

“Go home, mister. And get some sleep, you look like you haven't slept in months,” the mare replied, half-scared.

I looked back at her and snorted before taking off in a run towards the Carousal Boutique.

[*][*][*]

Within minutes, I knocked on the door of the fashionista's shop, erratically at first before composing myself.

“Who is it?” Rarity's lovely voice sounded.

“It's Spike,” I replied, panting heavily.

Several seconds of silence impacted me horribly, but it's what I expected. Shame it isn't what I'm accepting.

“Spike, I don't think you should be here,” her voice replied quietly.

I resisted the urge to let out a primal roar and slammed a fist against the door frame. A frightened shriek on the other side of the door was my response.

“JUST. OPEN. THE DOOR!” I shouted, digging my claws into the frame.

A second passed before the doors opened up and Rarity curiously peeked her head around the door, seemingly shivering with a frightened expression. My anger calmed down instantly and I forgot about my troubles.

“Oh my, you're shivering, are you okay?” I asked.

She opened her mouth but hiccoughed instead. She gulped and nodded her head, pulling the door open further and motioning me to come in. I just realized now that I stood a head over her, yet I was still skinnier than her. My hand throbbed from impacting the door frame. Quickly, I walked over and sat down on a couch. Resting my head in my hands, I let out a long drawn out sigh.

“Spike, are you okay?” Rarity finally asked, resting a hoof on my shoulder.

Glancing up, I saw her expression; concerned, but still scared. Opening my mouth to speak, nothing came out and I immediately clamped my jaw shut, shaking my head and averting my gaze.

“I think something's happening to me. People are out to get me,” I responded, slumping back in the couch.

“Spike, I do believe you're talking nonsense. You're merely paranoid from your dastardly research into those petty deaths. They're a thing of the past, it was resolved according to Celestia, now it's time we move on,” she responded with a hint of annoyance present.

Another sigh, I nodded my head. “I know, that's what I'm going to do. There's too much happening and if I keep going on about this, I may wind up dead.”

Rarity sat down next to me, caressing my shoulder. The gesture was so simple and sweet yet it lifted a horrible weight on my chest. Knowing somepony was there for me. Twilight lost that role, at least for the time. She was my mother, but she hasn't acted like it, much.

“I'm sorry. I want to start over, forget this whole ordeal. Maybe get a life of my own. Start looking at the world on a broader scope. Help me understand it all, be adventurous, learn about dragons. Forget it all,” I said, looking up with a hopeful smile.

“Spike, I think that's lovely, but if you do go, don't wander off too far. I love you, but I don't want to miss you. Celestia knows I've done enough in the short time we broke up,” Rarity responded, wrapping her forehooves around me.

I sighed, leaning into her. “I just think it's time to change my life. I've been so stupid, and something like this is massive. Massive enough to warrant a change. Leave this chapter behind and be my own Dragon. Do what I want, eat what I want, fuck who I want,” I said with a fist pump.

“Ahem,” Rarity said, jabbing me in the side.

“I never said anypony other than you,” I sheepishly chuckled.

“I was mostly concerned about your language.”

A chuckle escaped our mouths. My eyelids felt droopy once more, and my sleep deprivation seemed to be catching up with me. I looked down at Rarity, and she seemed to be relieved, tearing up as well. With a swift motion, I brushed the hair out of her face and licked the tears from her eyes. Weird, but I thought it was cute. A giggle was my response.

“I'm going to make us some lunch, dear. After, I want you to get some sleep. You look horrible, no offence,” she replied, standing up.

“None taken, just don't be too long or I'll die of starvation,” I responded, tapping my belly.

“Indeed. Darling, if you lost any more weight, we could legally declare you a flag,” Rarity joked as she merrily skipped into the kitchen.

Chuckling, I leaned back into the couch, stretching my tired, broken body. Directly in front of me, photos lined the walls. Each held a cherished memory of Rarity: holding Sweetie Belle as a foal; her first fashion show; meeting the other five; the two of us; her and Halcyon Blind holding hooves; her mother and father.

Wait...

I stood up out of the couch and practically dashed to the wall. Sitting by the door was a photo of Rarity holding hooves with Halcyon Blind with a starry sky in the background. I picked it up, staring at it as my hands shook. Rage bubbled up like a kettle and I turned towards the kitchen. Slowly, I dragged my feet across the floor, leaving scrapes here and there. The kitchen was dimly lit with dishes scattered here and there, and Rarity idly cooked food on the stove. Photo still in hand, I put my other hand up on a nearby table, placed them on a stack of plates, and swung my arm. The plates flew across the kitchen and shattered against the various cupboards on ground level. Rarity shrieked and held her forehooves on her head. Slowly, she turned around to meet my furious glare.

“Mother of Celestia, what was...” Rarity started.

“Where is he?” I asked with no remorse in my voice.

Rarity looked at me, dumbfounded.

“Don't play dumb, Rarity. Your boyfriend. Where is he?” I asked, my arms shaking.

“Spike... Spikey-wikey, calm do-”

“DON'T CALL ME SPIKEY-WIKEY!” I shouted, slamming a fist on the table.

She took a step back, practically cowering in one part of the kitchen. The urge to shoot flames nagged at my mind but I managed to withhold it.

“'I'll miss you, Spikey. Don't go away, Spikey. You're the kindest, sweetest Dragon ever, little Spikey-fucking-wikey,” I said bitterly, feeling tears pricking my eyelids.

“Spike, you're angry. Please, calm down. You're scaring me,” Rarity responded, her voice cracking.

Shaking my head, I held up the photo to show her.

“Where is your boyfriend, Rarity? Don't lie to me,” I whispered.

“I don't have a boyfri-”

“STOP LYING TO ME!” I shouted, smashing the photo on the ground.

“T-that's a p-picture of G-golden Shutter, S-spike,” Rarity said, stuttering as tears began to flow down her cheeks.

I shook my head. She was lying once more. I loved her and wanted her to be safe, that's why I began looking into this death stuff in the first place. She lied with Twilight.

“You lying whore...” I whispered.

There was no hesitation in the cold atmosphere. Rarity swung her hoof at me, slapping me with the hot frying pan. If I was my smaller self, I would have felt it. Instead, I only looked down at her, betrayed as she looked at me with those slutty eyes.

“Get out of my house, Spike,” she bitterly replied, pointing to her door.

My lips trembled and I shuddered. I took a step back, slipping on the glass frame.

“GET UP YOU WORTHLESS FUCK!” Rarity shouted, levitating me to my feet. “GET OUT!”

I kicked the door of her cupboard in, roaring.

“YOU BET I WILL YOU STUPID WHORE!”

“YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A MONSTER!”

“SLUT!”

“MURDERER!”

And then silence. All tension just vanished from the air. No more anger was directed at her filthy lying mouth, and her face was in pure shock. Tiny pupils, jaw hanging, wide eyes, no sound coming from her voice. It dawned on me what she said.

“Murderer?” I asked.

“Spike, I'm so sor...”

It was as if I stopped processing sound. Her mouth was moving but I heard nothing. Why did her comment bug me so much? Why was I thinking about it? Murderer? Why would she call me a murderer? I thought I killed Halcyon Blind months ago... or was that Golden Shutter? Either way, that was then, and it was just an accident. No, according to Twilight's notebook, it was a murder done by the Death Note. I stumbled backwards, towards the front door regardless of the tugs at my arm.

“I'm going to go speak to mother,” I said calmly.

I removed Rarity's hoof from my arm, opened the front door, gave her a gentle shove, and closed it.

[*][*][*]

The library was visible. The atmosphere was chilling, but that's all I've felt since the haunted house. Chilled. Rarity was having her emotional roller coaster, and... then she called me a murderer. Why does that bug me so much? It's a heavy insult, yet I haven't killed anypony. Yes, I did blame myself for Halcyon Blind's death, but murder is intentional. His death was accidental.

Did I say Halcyon Blind? I mean Halcyon Blind.

No, I mean, Golden Blind.

Or was it Halcyon Shutter? Or Halcyblind Goldutter? Whatever.

In front of the library was the stallion in question; Golden Shutter kicked at the ground, looking around the area before spotting me. He smiled and nodded, but there didn't seem to be any emotion behind that smile.

“Hey, friend. My boy is inside the library right now, checking out a book,” Halcyon Blind said, knocking on the front door.

“Your boy...? Featherweight?” I asked, peeking through the window.

He chuckled in response; it was very eerie since this lacked emotion as well. He pushed open the door, stepping inside the Golden Oaks Library. I hurried after him, not wanting to stay outside in the weird atmosphere of Ponyville.

“Hey, have we always met at the Aeron Park? Y'know, the one outside of the Ponyville Schoolhouse?” I asked, closing the door of the darkened library.

He made no comment in response, nodding without so much as a glance. I stopped in my tracks, feeling an odd sense of dread fill my mind as I looked at the stairs leading up to my room. The door was creaked open and it was almost pitch black, as if somepony pulled the curtains closed. Slack-jawed and nervously shaking, I looked at Halcyon when he let out a small chuckle.

“Spike, could you find me a book, since you work here? It's black, and for the life of me, I can't seem to remember the name,” he said, turning to me as his neck twitched. “It's thin, has a white title on the cover, and is sorta like a journal, or notebook.”

“Look, I've seen enough reshelving days in this library to know if a book like that had popped up. I'll save you the trouble, because we don't have one,” I responded, casually walking towards the kitchen.

Stepping inside, I flicked the switch only for no lights to come on. I cursed; we needed new bulbs. I grabbed a banana and quickly began munching on it and stepped out to see Halcyon reading a book. Dastardly the Dark's Def... oh, you have to be kidding me, I thought. The skies outside began to cry, letting it rain on Ponyville. This storm was either unscheduled, or it slipped by me in my sleep deprived life.

“Hey, friend, since you don't have the other book, I was wondering if you could get me another one that's similar. Pink, research journal, and again, I forget the author,” he said without looking up. His voice was monotonic, and that's when I realized that something was up.

“Who was that lady that I saw in the park today? Why does she say I've sat at that same bench for a month, staring into the sky?” I asked, hearing my voice crack slowly.

Halcyon chuckled as he flipped the page, and he slapped the book closed and trotted upstairs. Not only was it rude since I asked him a question, but those are private sleeping quarters.

Wait...

“Your boy, Featherweight, is he up there? Those rooms are private,” I said in an almost-shout, jogging up the stairs. Stepping into the room, there was a dim candle barely illuminating the entire setup. Halcyon mucked about near the beds, and then I started to get angry. “Goddammit, Golden Shutter, get out of here! This isn't your house,” I shouted.

He picked up my wicker basket, lifting the mattress. “Now where's your hospitality, friend? I'm a guest, just checking out your lovely room.”

Running after him, I reached the top of the stairs and stopped before another door caught my eye. To the right, the bathroom door was opened and a small candle illuminated that room as well. Looking back to Halcyon, he put the basket down and I asked the question that's been on my mind for a while.

“Why are you doing this to me?” I whispered.

He pulled out a small, pink notebook from under my old bedsheets and held it in front of me. I never looked at it, refusing to acknowledge it as the research notebook I know I just incinerated. He smirked at me as if to say, “You know the answer.” I felt my eyes welling up with tears.

“You're the cause of all of this. It's because Golden Shutter was your brother, Halcyon Blind. You think I killed him, so now you're trying to kill me, isn't it?” I asked. “So what, I screw your life, you screw mine? Is that it? You drive me to death, make my mother and friends suffer, for what? Revenge? Well it isn't going to work, Halcyon Blind. I'm sorry about your brother, but I'll be goddamned if you ruin my life. FUCK you, Halcyon Blind.”

A gentle snap sounded as he shook his head, his neck twitching even more. His whole appearance was offsetting. Once again, I was reminded of another party.

His boy...

“What have you done with Featherweight?” I asked, a quick glance to the bathroom where I suspected my answer would lie.

He cast a sideways glance to me, smirking as he did. He sighed, shaking his head as he set the book atop my wicker basket.

“Well don't give me that look, friend. We both know he's gone,” he said with a short giggle. “'sides, it was your fault.”

Shaking my head as steamy tears cascaded my cheeks, I mouthed the words no several times before increasing the volume.

“You're lying. Stop lying to me, dammit,” I said, bunching up my fists.

He hummed to himself as he pulled a long object out of his saddlebags, fiddling with it in his hooves. I took a small step forward just as he turned to me with a casual swing. He held a knife in his hooves and proceeded to cut his mane with careful precision.

“Y'know, it is kind of a challenge to cut your hair in the dark, friend. Might wanna get new bulbs, soon,” he said with a chuckle.

“SHUT UP!” I shouted, running towards him.

He took a step back and with a smile, held the knife out towards me. I thrust a fist forward, grabbing the hilt and yanked it out of his grasp. He laughed at the display and in the ruckus, we crushed my basket. I swung my legs around his body, resting atop him as if I were riding him and attempted to thrust the blade into his neck. His hooves were pressing against my arms as we tumbled to the ground, rolling a bit.

“Well well well, don't get the wrong idea, friend. This isn't how you usually handle things,” he laughed.

Unfortunately, I found nothing humourous and continued to struggle with him. We eventually rolled into Twilight's bed and it dawned on me then that she wasn't here. The bump was caused when his hooves hit the bed's leg and that gave me the edge I needed. The blade making gushing sounds reminiscent of pulling an arm out of jello. There was little resistance until an inch of the blade was left out to which I forced it in. A sickening slice followed by gurgling made me realize what the hell I was doing.

I stood up atop the body and watched as Halcyon's body twitched violently. His eyes were wide open as he clutched his chest and neck, gurgling and attempting to breath as his blood squirted out from his neck, coating the floor by Twilight's bed. The realization of what I did slapped me in the face.

I killed him...