Chapters 138 Years ago in the Town of Olde Appleoosa
A zebra named Bart lived in an Equestira far different from today's peaceful tolerant place. His aspirations were large but his pay was small and his job of backbreaking railroad labor wasn't the life his family had imagined when moving out west.
"Listen up ziggers yall aint workin hard enough," screamed Lyle, an earth pony left in an undeserved management position who probably had the brain of a 5 year old, "yer actin like it's a hunert an twenty degrees when I swear it aint more than a hunert an ten."
At that moment a young griffon fell from the sky the heavy load on his back exhausting him to the point of collapse. He lay unconscious on the ground, possibly injured from his fall, while Lyle just laughed.
"Doc that sky-chink a day's pay for napping on the job" he sneered at some of the other managers, laughing at the griffon's misfortune while giving an actual command.
"Now why the hell don't any of yall ziggers sang a nice work song anymore," Lyle jeered at the workers, "back when we ponies didn't have ta pay yuh, yall sang like fuckin canaries. Now how about a song?"
Bart and his co workers took the opportunity to take advantage of their moronic manager's brief break to mess with his head a bit. With a smile on his face Bart and his zebra friends sang, "I get no kicks from champaign, oooh oooh oooh, beer, alcohol doesn't thrill me at all, so why should it be true, that I get a belt out of you"
They were cut off from the song by Lyle who was now screaming, "Hold it, hold the fuck up, what the hell was that shit?" before anyone could answer that is was actually quite a popular song amongst the zebra crowd, the imbecilic manager continued, "when I say a song I mean a real song, you know like Swing low sweet chariot"
The crowd of zebras had a hard time suppressing their laughter as Bart questioned what the song was, "swing low sweet chariot?" he jokingly asked.
"Don't know that one huh?" Lyle asked right back, "how about the Camped Town Ladies?"
"You know the Camped Town Ladies," he stated as he and his friends all began to sing, "the camped town ladies sing this song, do dar do dar, the camped town racetrack's 5 miles long oh the do dar day." The group of ponies was now dancing around singing the song while the whole workforce of zebras just laughed."Gonna run all night, gonna run all day, bet my money on the bobtailed nag somepony bet on the…"
At that moment the boss of the entire operation, a fat grey earth pony named Mr. Taggert, ran up and fired off his revolver into the air. "What in the wide wide world of ponies is a goin on here, yall are jumpin around like a bunch of Manehattan City faggots when we have a deadline."
"Sorry Mr. Taggert sir them ziggers done tricked us again." Claimed Lyle as his boss glared angrily at the completely unqualified labor manager, "we won't let it happen again."
"If it happens again its yer ass," screamed Taggert right back, "now the surveyor said somethin about quick sand about 2 miles that way, send someone down to check on it right now!"
"Alright sir we will send a team of experts immediately," Lyle stated to his boss.
"NO NO NO, don't send experts into a dangerous situation ya idiot!" screamed Taggert, "send them two ziggers on that handcart to check it out."
He was pointing at Bart and his best friend Charley. Bart was a smart ass at heart so the time for jokes was always. "Sir I believe you requested two zig-gers," he claimed with a grin on his face, "well to tell a family secret, my grandma was an earth pony."
Taggert took out his gun and pointed it at Bart's head, making his intentions clear. Bart and Charley got on the handcart and went towards the potential quicksand site, singing the camped town ladies as they went. The cart stopped, stuck on the iron track well before the potential site and began to sink.
"Hey Bart," asked Charlie, "do you ever get a sinking feeling?"
"Well not usually but we all do sometimes," explained Bart, "it's usually an indication of anxiety."
"No this time it's not anxiety, it's not exactly water and it's not exactly earth, and I'm sinking in it," Charlie retorted.
"Well now that you mention it I'm getting the same feeling," Bart replied as the two of them realized what it was.
They screamed simultaneously, "QUICKSAND!!!" as Taggert and Lyle ran over to them. Lyle threw out a lasso to the two and signaled to them to get off of the cart. The lasso wrapped around the handcart, Lyle pulled with all his might.
"Thank Celestia for your resourcefulness; we almost lost a 300 bit handcart." Taggert laughed as the two zebras continued to drown in quicksand.
Bart found the rail with his hoof, and bravely dragged Charlie with all of his strength. Taggert and Lyle stood around discussing where to move the railroad to and eventually decided that the best option was to move the railway to go through the small town of Appleoosa. Bart and Charlie managed to pull themselves out of the quicksand, barely escaping for their lives.
"Well you ziggers should stop layin around here getting a suntan, take this shovel, and get back to work." Taggert said, realizing the workers had escaped the quicksand. He tossed them a shovel and laughed in their faces, then returned to talking about moving the railway through Appleoosa. Bart picked up the shovel and walked slowly towards his boss.
"Don't do it man," Charlie tried to warn his friend.
"No, it's too late now and earthcracker here deserves what's coming."
Taggert couldn't have anticipated what was going to happen next. "Send a message to the office of Headley J. Lerarity; make sure to tell them I said, OWWWW!"
He screamed as the shovel smashed against his skull, knocking him unconscious shortly
"Send message, Lerarity's office, tell them I said ow, gotcha boss," Lyle took the note and walked off without figuring out what had happened to his boss. Bart just stood there and looked at Lyle, questioning how anypony in all of Equestria could be so stupid.
Headley J. LeRarity was a unicorn of little patience, but today something had him in a good mood. That something was one thing Taggert could never figure out; in fact he kind of questioned the corrupt political mind of the Equestrian attorney general, for LeRarity was bat shit crazy on his best days.
"Well sir, as you can see the initial site has been surveyed and there is a bit of a quick sand problem."Taggert tried to explain to his boss
"Oh yes quick sand," retorted LeRarity, "splendid."
"There is no way we can run the rail road where we have originally planned," Taggert Explained, "The rail system will have to travel through Appleoosa."
"Oh yes Appleoosa," LeRarity stated with a glazed look in his eyes, "splendid."
"Well sir this is actually quite a problem because the railroad company you own will have to pay these earthtrash country bumpkins a fortune to put the railway straight through their town." Taggert finished explaining to his boss, "What are we gonna do sir?"
"Be still Taggert for my mind is a whirl with ideas and innovations, I just have to look up land snatching and there is sure to be a case in my favor."
At that moment a loud crash was heard outside. Taggert jumped at the sound, while LeRarity just stood there laughing. LeRarity opened up the window and stared down at the crazy pink hangman with an eye patch and a bit of a hump on his back.
"Mr. Pie what was that crash?" called out LeRarity to the hangman below.
"Sso ssorry good ssir but as you can ssee I'm completely sswamped with ponies whom you have condemned to the great party in the ssky, and two of my men are at home ssick with the flu," Mr. Pie shouted back, "and that lasst griffon wass doossey."
"Well would you mind keeping it down I have a squeamish lackey in my office and he's probably going to shit if that happens again," shouted LeRarity back at his favorite hangman.
"Oakey dokie lokei," the hangman shouted back.
"Splendid!" LeRarity pulled his head back in the window, smacking it lightly on the way. He then closed the window and looked back at Taggert with a grin on his face. "Here is Greed v. Government, and Greed won 7-0. This means that land snatching is legal in Equestria, so all we have to do is drive the imbeciles out of their town. Any ideas Taggert?"
"Oh I got it; we can kill the first born colt in every family!" Taggert looked at his boss who was unimpressed with the suggestion.
"No there's just something about that that feels too, oh I don't know, umm Jewish," LeRarity retorted, "any other ideas?"
"Oh I got it, I got it!" Taggert loved his idea and was too excited to share it, "we can work up a number 6 on um."
"And what prey tell is a number 6?" LeRarity questioned.
"It's when me and a few dozen friends get real drunk and go a ridin into town, smashing windows, shootin stuff, and beatin the tar outta every livin thing within an inch of its life, except the mares of course." Taggert was still grinning with the thought.
"Wait, you spare the mares?" LeRarity had liked the plan up until the last part.
"Hell no, we kidnap em and rape the shit out of em later at the number 6 dance!"
Taggert's grin stretched from ear to ear and now so did his bosses.
"Absolutely splendid Taggert," LeRarity said to his underling. He put both hooves to Taggert's head and was about to give him a very rare compliment when Taggert let out a yelp. "Taggert what's wrong with your head, have you been hurt?"
"It's nothin sir, just this uppity ass zebra done hit me in the head with a shovel. My associates caught em and stuck um in your dungeon." Taggert stated, "but I would really appreciate it if you could find it in your heart to kill that zigger dead for me."
"Of course Taggert, let me just see." Headley LeRarity opened his window back up to see possibly the biggest buffalo he had ever seen about to be hung, but the sight didn't even faze him. "Mr. Pie when could you work in a special for me?" he shouted at the hangman.
"I'm ssorry ssir but I couldn't possssibly work him in until Monday," the hangman shouted back.
"Monday is splendid!" LeRarity closed his window and let out an evil laugh, only to almost choke on a couple of small mints he had grabbed off his desk and was sucking on prior. Outside a thud even louder than before was heard as the mighty buffalo chief went down, and just as LeRarity had said, Taggert had soiled the rug.
In the peaceful town of Appleoosa business was as usual that day. The towns cattle weren't stampeding the spring air was warm and dry, and Allington's Saloon was experiencing an excellent lunch hour. Yes all was right in their little world until about 1:45 in the afternoon that day.
All of a sudden off in the distance, the town's sheriff spotted something that wasn't quite right. At first it looked like nothing more than a stampede of buffalo, a fairly regular occurrence that most of the town accepted, but when he looked closer he saw the bandit ponies galloping towards town. He ran into his office and quickly loaded the shotgun behind his desk and ran back outside, ready to fight the menacing mob heading directly towards his town. Unfortunately for the sheriff, Taggert's bullet pierced his skull as soon as he walked outside of his office; the chubby earth pony never even knew what hit him.
Taggert, Lyle, and about 25 of the other railroad managers had been drinking heavily and Appleoosa was, as they had so eloquently put it, more fucked than a chicken caught in a tractors nut sack. They began by shooting out windows of buildings, hoping to stir up a ruckus. When the shocked town's ponies ran into the street, they were singled out, rounded up, and beaten to a pulp.
The mob looted a few small shops. A few of the railroad workers thought it would be fun to destroy the public bath house, and with some well placed dynamite, 5 ponies were standing around covered in soap, complaining about their burning eyes. They were then promptly beaten.
The town's reverend stood outside his church, crying out to the mob, pleading with them to think of what Faust would do, until one of them smacked him in the face with a large Powerpuff toy from the market. Then his book was torn apart by the pony who smacked him, while 3 others proceeded to loot the church of anything not bolted to the floor.
"Have you no decency," screamed an old mare right before the mob swarmed on her. 3 of the ponies took great pride in taking turns kicking her in the chest and stomach. "Have you ever seen such cruelty?" she screamed at no one in particular, as the stallions broke her ribs.
The reverend spoke towards the crowd of ponies gathered in town hall, questioning what to do in a situation like this. "Now I'm sure that you are all aware that our town is turning into a big steaming pile of manure. Yesterday our sheriff was murdered, our apple trees were burned, my church was sacked, half the buildings in town were leveled, and our cattle were raped. Now then I am merely a spiritual advisor, I cannot tell anyone what to do in this situation, but personally I'm just going to get my things and get the hell out of here, who's with me?"
He began to leave the room but was stopped by the slovenly drunk Gala Apple who stood up and screamed, "Hold up ya lilly livered side wankin cracker coraker, taint nopony leavin no how. Gall durn it I lefteverythinferhere , I dongotmea piece o land her, and cot frackit rackum I'm gonna die here, and no pussyass, stankwieldin, sonofabitch gonna make me leave here!"
The crowd cheered with Gala as Allington stood up next. "Gala Apple is right! Our ancestors fought buffalo, plague, even Richard Nixon, just to have a life here and I won't leave just because we have encountered some problems. I'm especially glad we could all be here today to hear that speech in genuine frontier gibberish."
"Allington Apple is right about Gala Apple being right," stated Orin who had stood up as well to a cheering crowd, "I built the town ice-cream parlor with my own bare hooves, came from nothing to being an established businesspony, and I'm not about to abandon my livelihood at the first sign of trouble! How can anyone eat apple pie without it being alamode?!?!"
"ORIN APPLE IS RIGHT!" screamed Upton Pyne Apple from the back of the room.
"Well fine I guess even though it's stupid, I can stay as well," the reverend snapped back at the congregation, "but we need to rebuild, and for starters we need a new sheriff."
"I say we wire the princess and have her send us one," Orin stated with confidence, "personally I feel much better if it wasn't one of our guys getting killed this time."
"ORIN APPLE IS RIGHT," stated Upton Pyne once again.
"For our guidance, I shall now read from the books of Mathew, Mark, Luke……" while the reverend spoke a stick of dynamite smashed through the town hall window, "….and DUCK!" He dropped below the podium right as a fiery explosion collapsed the side of the building.
The meetings between Princess Celestia and her cabinet of elected pony officials was anything but proper. Celestia sat at the head of the table, trying to do as little discussion on practical matters as possible, with her secretary on her lap.
"Work work work work work," she complained as she signed another bill passed by the Equestrian Parliament. She turned to her delicate, quite pegasus secretary , put her snout in between the secretary's bosom, and said, "hello there girls have you missed me?"
"Well I-I suppose they did but…" the secretary was cut off by Celestia
"Miss Shy you naughty little bitch, it was a rhetorical question." Celestia grinned at her secretary, "any more bullshit to deal with today Heady?" she asked the Attorney General.
"It's Headley!" he snapped back at her, "and yes one more bill which will allow government seizure of 7 million acres of buffalo land, so that we may glorify your good name with a pleasure resort for the criminally insane."
"7 million acres?" Celestia exclaimed in disbelief, "What will it cost man, what will it cost?"
"Only two cases of paddle ball toys," he smiled, "the brown devils love a good toy mam."
"Oh yes the do, and so do I," she began to mess with the toy until her secretary whispered something into her ear, "Oh of course, ehem. Fillies and Gentalcolts, today will be a landmark day in the treatment of the insanely wealthy criminal, now praise my awesomeness and get me a fucking paddle ball that actually works. This one's warped."
LeRarity picked up the toy and began to bounce the ball off the paddle with ease, "right as usual mam," he sneered at her.
Celestia signed the executive order and struggled to put her pen away afterwards, her magic exhausted from the day so far. "Ok so that's it then?" she asked Headley
"Yes mam that's it," he replied, but Ms. Shy stood up with a letter in her hand.
"We just got this urgent telegram from Appleoosa saying 'sheriff murdered stop, town in chaos stop, send help immediately stop'," Ms. Shy read barely loud enough for the room to hear her.
Celestia jumped up from her chair and screamed, "Sheriff murdered, a settlement is in trouble, we must do something about this immediately, immediately, harrumph harrumph harrumph!"
The whole room of elected officials, minus a cross eyed pegasus sitting in the back of the room, were screaming harrumph in order to appease their princess.
"Hey I didn't get a harrumph out of that pony!" she screamed and pointed her hoof towards the pegasus.
"Give your princess harrumph," shouted Headley
"Harrumph!" screamed the now frightened pegasus.
"You watch your ass around here Miss Doo," Celestia sneered at the scared pony, "I've killed ponies for less than that and if you mess up again…" she made a motion across her throat with her hoof. Then she laughed at the pony's expense.
"Meeting is adjourned," stated LeRarity as he banged the gavel on the table. "Oh so sorry Celestia your supposed to say that."
"Say what?" the princess asked.
"Meeting is adjourned," Headley explained.
"It is?" Celestia asked right back.
"Umm yes it is, now play around with this," Headley replied, handing Celestia a paddleball in the process.
LeRarity paced around his office questioning what to do and talking to himself. "Oh what to do, what to do. This is the worst possible thing. A new sheriff will bring law and order when I require chaos and suffering. Perhaps we just need a sheriff whose very presence would repulse the provincial imbeciles enough that they will leave on their own."
"But where would I find someone like that?" he pondered, "and to whom am I even asking these questions." At that very moment he looked out the window at a sight which gave him hope.
The hangman down below was placing the noose around Bart's neck. "Welcome to the gallowss," he lisped out at the zebra, "not to worry, everyone here isss equal in my eye."
"Well, at least at my execution no one is calling me zigger," said Bart, trying to have a laugh before meeting his fate.
At that moment Headley LeRarity knew who he would pick, as he let out an evil chuckle.
The final step in appointing the new patsy sheriff for Headley LeRarity was simply to have the Princess Celestia make it official. When Headley and Bart entered the office of Celestia, it was a mess, as if a looter had came through and torn apart the room looking for valuables.
"Princess Celestia are you ok?" Headley shouted after surveying the room, "it looks like those damned buffalo have stampeded in your office."
At that moment the princess stepped out from behind a curtain. Her mane was tattered, her royal armor was removed, and she was clearly exhausted based on appearance. "Pardon me gentlecolts, but I was just doing an exercise session," she tried to offer as an explanation, but unfortunately for her Ms. Shy walked into the room wearing a French maid outfit.
"Ok so I found more lube along with Javier to add to our orgy, and were almost out of pillows but….." Celestia stared at her assistant with a look of utter hatred, "oh my," she squeaked, hiding behind a curtain already concealing several other ponies.
Headley was the first to break the awkward silence by changing the topic in the room to the most important matter at hand. "Princess I feel as though I have solved our problem," he explained, "I would like you to meet the new sheriff of Appleoosa."
The princess went to extend a brohoof to the new sheriff, but upon the realization that he was a zebra pulled back her hoof and whistled for Headley to come over and talk to her. Instead of Headley, Bart was the one who walked up next to the princess before she spoke. "Have you gone completely berserk? Can't you see that that pony is a zig…. er um an excellent candidate?" She realized it was Bart and corrected herself mid question, and then called over Headley and made Bart leave, starting over on the exact same line of questions. "Have you gone completely berserk? Can't you see that this pony is a zigger?" she asked, unsure of whether or not to trust LeRarity's choice.
"Of course I can see that, last time I checked I wasn't blind you know." LeRarity retorted, "this is an opportunity to make Equestrian history, think about it, the first ever Zebra to become sheriff, this will bring national tolerance up and boost your approval rating, dare I say it," he stopped mid sentence.
"Dare, dare!" shouted Bart who was now sitting at Celestia's Desk.
"TO THE MOOOOOOOONNNNNN!" Screamed Headley at his princess, "your approval rating will go up from the mid 80s all the way to a projected 96, the best of any alicorn ever in our history."
"Well Headley, you have never steered me wrong before but Appleoosa," Celestia stated, "he will be killed in a week."
"A week is all we need to make you look even better than you did after you defeated Nightmare Moon," Headley boldly claimed.
"Eh screw it what's the worst that could happen?" Celestia signed a document declaring Bart the new sheriff of Appleoosa, and looked at Ms. Shy, whose flank was sticking out from behind the curtain in a way Celestia couldn't resist. "Now then if you two would please excuse me I have some naughty secretaries who need to be spanked," she said right before kicking the Attorney General and the sheriff out of her office, completely unaware of what she had just done.
With a swagger in his step, a tan leather Gucci saddle bag set, a big ol western hat, and a shining star on his chest, Bart the zebra strutted towards the town of Appleoosa. The town was waiting for him to arrive around noon per his message to the Mayor McLean, and had quite the celebration planned for his arrival. The apple band had been assembled, cannons had been brought to the town square for a salute, and old Gala Apple stood atop the town church with a pair of binoculars awaiting his arrival.
"I think the shuriffs a comin" he screamed to the town below.
"Oh Celestia I hope I don't mess up this speech," stated Orin, "I suppose I need to practice it. 'By the welcoming committee of the town of Appleoosa I would like to extend this laurel and a hearty hoofshake to our new sheriff, and potential savior of our little settlement.' I think I got it down."
"Ring out the church bells!" exclaimed Upton Pyne.
"Strike up the band!" shouted Allington, and sure enough the church bells began to ring and the band began to play an upbeat melody.
Gala stood atop the church loving the spectacle of the whole town celebrating. He turned around hoping to get a better look at the sheriff, and was startled with what he saw. "THE SHURRIF IS A ZIG…" dong, a church bell rang and cut him off.
"What did he say?" screamed Mayor McLean over the noise.
"I think he said the sheriff is near," replied Allington just as loud.
"NO COT FRACKIT RACKUM THE SHURIFF IS A……" dong, the church bell cut Gala off again.
Then it happened. Bart strutted into town dressed like a boss, but the stares he got were more than just at his outfit, they were stares of pure hatred. He smiled and tipped his hat as he walked past a group of fillies; an old stallion sitting outside the general store looked up from a book, and immediately fell back in his chair from shock. He walked up to the makeshift stage and the band abruptly stopped playing their instruments.
"By the welcoming committee of the town of Appleoosa I would like to extend this laurel and a hearty hoofshake to our new," Orin looked up and was cut off by his own train of thought, the only word that came out of his mouth afterwards was, "zigger."
Bart walked up onto stage to address the stunned, silent crowd of ponies he would now have to keep safe from outside threats. "Excuse me while I whip this out," he stated calmly as he reached for a speech he had pre written, and kept stashed away on his underside. The crowd screamed at first, for some reason assuming he was about to whip out his penis and show it to them, then saw him pull out the piece of parchment and were immediately relieved. "By the order of Headley J. LeRarity, and princess Celestia," Bart began but as he spoke he heard the sound of a few hundred guns clicking into firing position, "I hereby assume the duties of Sheriff for the town of Appleoosa." Bart raised his hooves hoping he wouldn't be shot.
The Reverend held up his bible and screamed, "Gentlecolts I ask of you to pray heed to the good book of Faust and what it has to say!" someone shot a hole in the book at which point the reverend just sat back down and said, "well sonny you're on your own."
Bart thought of an idea. He held his own gun up to his head and screamed, "HOLD IT! NOPONY MOVE OR THE ZIGGER GETS IT!" then in a different voice he screamed, "Oh lawdy lawd he despit, do what he say, do what he say!" The whole town threw down their guns as Bart gradually walked backwards towards the sheriff's office, never breaking character.
"Isn't anypony gonna help that poor stallion?" cried out the schoolteacher Hawley Apple.
"Shut up Hawley that's how you get him killed," snapped Mayor McLean right back at her.
"Oh lawdy lawd help me, help me!" screamed Bart in the victim voice, switching back as the captor voice to scream, "Shut the buck up," at himself. He smacked his own mouth with a hoof and stepped into the sheriff's office, closed the door, and gave himself a hug. "Oh me, I'm so talented, and they are so dumb," he said with a smile on his face.
"That's odd, this ledger book has no names in it," Bart said as he looked at the official ledger for the month, "the last guy didn't even arrest anyone, this town really was peaceful." He looked at the three jail cells and saw the only man in was a drunkard, just waking up from a liquor induced coma. Over the drunk's moaning and groaning Bart asked, "are we awake?"
The drunk took a look at the new sheriff and fell out of the top bunk bed in his cell. "Well that depends," the now upside down drunk rubbed his eyes and stared up at the zebra wearing a sheriff's star, "are we a referee?"
"Well I'm a zebra and I'm a sheriff, so basically yes," he looked at the unicorn with a grin, "did some of the town's ponies put you in here?"
"No, the last guy just let me stay here for free," the upside down unicorn replied, "I basically just need liquor and a place to pass out at night."
"Do you need any help getting up from that," Bart asked as the unicorn who was still hanging upside down.
"Oh well only all I can get," the unicorn replied as Bart helped him up from his predicament. The unicorn reached under the bottom bunk and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. He drank about a quarter of the bottle and let out a belch.
"Can I get you anything to eat?" Bart asked the Unicorn, "a pony who drinks like that and doesn't eat is sure to die."
"When?" was all that the Unicorn said back.
"Ok well while you're still here do you have a name?" the zebra asked hoping to get some response that wasn't depressing from the drunkard.
"Well I guess my name is Jim, but my friends just call me Jim," was his reply.
"Ok so what do you do for fun Jim?" Bart probed further.
"I drink, I play chess, I screw a mare or two, that's pretty much it," Jim stated.
"Well how about some chess then?" Bart grabbed a chess set out of the top drawer of his desk and the two proceeded to play. Bart was winning at chess but he had to admit one thing about Jim, the pony was a smart one. The Unicorn had a full ride scholarship at Celestia's school for the gifted as a young colt, and excelled in all studies. He had originally come to Appleoosa to work as a business manager for one of his classmates who raised dairy cattle. A rival farmer killed his friend and stole all of his cattle with out reprimand, at which point Jim snapped.
"I took up a gun and swore revenge on those damn farmers, and it was that day in which Jim Sparkle became the Wako Kid." Jim said finishing his story.
"So you are the Wako Kid?" Bart stared at the unicorn in disbelief, "the fastest gun in the west?"
"No in all of Equestria." Jim replied with a grin on his face, "in fact let me show you, you see that king piece, put both of your hooves about an inch away from that and try to grab it before me when I say go."
Bart did just that, smacking the chess piece in between his hooves almost instantly. He looked in between his hooves and the chess piece wasn't there, Jim pulled it out of his gun holster and smiled.
"Well I'll be a son of a griffon; you really are the Wako Kid!" Bart stared at the Unicorn in disbelief.
"Actually I WAS the Wako Kid," Jim replied, "I went all around from settlement to settlement killing the assholes who killed my friend. I became a wanted stallion and had to kill everyone who stood against me. I began robbing banks and general stores just trying to make a living, had so many gunfights I still hear the word 'draw' in my sleep. Then one day I was in the town about 20 miles from here and I heard someone say 'reach for it mister'. When I turned around it was a 6 year old filly with her daddy's handgun. I threw down my weapons and walked away but the little bitch shot me in my ass cheek. So I decided to just give up on life from then on. Honestly though I really want to know what your story is now. How did a zebra end up out here?"
"Honestly just came with my family back in the day." Jim began, "We followed a wagon train but of course they wouldn't let the zebras travel with regular ponies, but we followed them until a whole heard of buffalo stopped the wagon train. Of course we couldn't be a part of the ponies' wagon circle so we just waited on our fate alone. The buffalo chief saw our collection of literature and let us go, after we gave him a couple books. He said something about 'these schwartza are darker than us' and it kind of sounded like Hebrew. But needless to say we settled, I found a job later, got fired after I smacked my racist ass boss with a shovel, was put on death row, and then had my charge dropped down to assault by Headley LeRarity who admired my spirit and gave me this sheriff job."
The drunk had fallen back to sleep with the story. "Always love keeping my audience riveted!" said Bart chuckling at the irony.
"Order, order, fillies and gentlecolts please," shouted Mayor McLean from the front of the town hall meeting room, ignoring the calls of food orders from the drunks hanging around. "I understand your concerns and have addressed them. Regarding the sheriff I have commissioned a letter be written by our esteemed school teacher Miss Hawley Apple to Princess Celestia regarding our extreme displeasure at her choice of Sheriff."
"To the desk of Princess Celestia I sent the following," the school teacher started off talking like she was addressing a small group.
"Louder," shouted a group of drunks over the teacher as she spoke.
"Ok I'm really not good in large groups but," Hawley took in a deep breath, "WE THE EARTHEN, FAUST FEARING PONIES OF APPLEOOSA, STRONGLY DISAGREE WITH YOU AND WHAT EVER IT IS YOU DO THERE IN CANTERLOT. RECENTLY WE HAVE COME UNDER ATTACK BY A SAVAGE HORDE OF RUSTLERS AND YOU DID NOTHING. NOW WE HAVE WIRED YOU FOR A NEW SHERIFF, AND YOU SENT A REFEREE. YOUR DECISION TO TREAT US LIKE GARBAGE IN THIS TIME OF CRISIS JUST GOES TO PROVE THAT YOU ARE INDEED THE LEADING ASSHOLE IN ALL OF EQUESTRIA."
The crowd was blown away by the teacher's speech as they rose in applause.
Bart had no clue that an emergency action meeting was going on when he lit a joint at his desk. Jim had just woken up, and begun to drink again, as he walked over to Bart.
"Let me get that, I always smoke cigarettes when I drink," Jim stated as grabbed the joint from Bart's hoof. Bart attempted to warn him but Jim was the fastest unicorn he had ever seen, and had hit the weed before anything could be said. Jim then let out a nasty cough, hacking and choking on the joint as he suddenly realized that there was no tobacco in the cigarette.
"That my friend is called ganja," explained Bart, "it's a zebra delicacy that makes you feel social, snacky, and sleepy, in that order. And now that I have had some and seen you do the same I will go out and let my social self enjoy talking to some of the town's ponies."
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Jim said before taking another hit, "these rednecks are crazy."
"Jim you're the crazy one," joked Bart as he stepped outside, Jim just shook his head.
The town meeting had just let out and old Granny Smith was the last to leave. She was upset with the whole situation, a zebra associating with ponies, acting all smug with his Gucci saddlebags and shiny sheriff's star. All she could think about was how much she hated Princess Celestia for doing this to Appleoosa.
At the moment she was walking up the street Bart stepped out of his office. "Good morning mam," he cheerfully stated to the old mare, "and isn't it a lovely mornin to boot."
"UP YOURS ZIGGER!" was all the old mare could scream back at him. She walked past as Bart just stood in the same spot, confused by what had happened. Bart walked back inside his office and sat at his desk to roll up another joint.
He told Jim what had happened and Jim just laughed, "well these ponies are crazy what did you expect her to say."
"Maybe a good morning right back?" said Bart as light a match.
"In this town that won't happen, you might as well have expected her to say 'such a nice young stallion, how would you like to meet my hot, single granddaughter,'" Jim chuckled.
At that moment an extremely terrified Upton Pyne ran into Bart's office screaming, "Sheriff, Mongo has just come into town and started kicking the shit out of everypony in Allington's Saloon. Please help us sir."
"You hear this, ten minutes ago I was just a zigger, and now apparently I'm a sir," stated Bart, "who is this Mongo anyway?"
"Mongo's not a who, Mongo's more of a what," replied Jim as he leaned back in his chair.
"Please stop him sheriff," pleaded Upton.
"Ok fine, I guess it's my job so what choice do I have," Bart replied as he loaded his revolver.
Upton Pyne ran out of the sheriff's office screaming, "the foal's going to do it," as he went.
Mongo, the Madame, and other Mischief
It was the previous night and the railroad production had come to a standstill. The ponies involved with the railroad had sat down for a giant pot of refried beans when Taggert came out of his tent furious.
"How the hell is it that the citizens of Appleoosa have yet to leave," screamed Taggert to Lyle as the railroad workers continued their break in labor, "we are so off track it aint even funny, how did a number 6 fail!"
"Gee Mr. Taggert maybe we just need a new way o lookin at this," Lyle said looking up from his bean dinner. He and the other pony employees had been farting so much from the beans that the entire campsite smelled despite the fact that dinner had been served outside.
"Do you actually have an idea Lyle because I'd love ta hear it," said Taggert sarcastically.
"Actually I was just gonna say we let ol Mongo Dash have a go at em," Lyle explained before farting again, "they got a new sheriff an a good scare outta get rid of them appleoosans."
"Sic Mongo Dash on um, that just plain aint right," said Taggert with a smug grin on his face, "hes gonna mash up the new sheriff and make em into mini sheriff meat balls." Taggert walked over to Mongo's tent.
The giant pegasus pony slept with his large blue wings tucked behind his back, and a huge chain around his neck to keep him from breaking out of the camp and causing problems. Mongo felt Taggert's prescience and lunged at him, only to get smacked in the face by Taggert's glove. "Now ya giant idiot I need ya tah listen to me," Taggert explained, "I will pay you handsomely to go wreck up the town of Appleoosa, and kill their new sheriff. If you can run all them ponies outta town theres a bonus in it for yah."
"Mongo Like bonus!" exclaimed the giant pegasus as he sucked down the rest of his beans, letting out some gas as well. Taggert extended the brohoof and handed Mongo a cigar.
That next day, shortly after the town meeting Orin, Allington, and Upton all went to Allington's Saloon for a drink. "Modern technology sure is somthin," Orin bragged of his knowledge, "I hear that in Fillydelphia a unicorn named Louis Pastures just developed a injection that cures cutie pox, imagine never having an outbreak in any settlement ever again its am….."
All of a sudden outside the saloon screams of terror were heard, cutting off Orin Apple mid sentence. A pony flew through the saloon door after he had been punched outside. "Never mind that shit, I think Mongo is here," screamed Upton Pyne Apple at Orin before jumping through a window. The deep thunderous sound of Mongo's hoofsteps audible before anyone could see him. Once his head poked through the door, ponies began to panic. The Saloon was filled with the chaos of forty scared ponies, trying to avoid being tossed around and pummeled by the only pegasus pony tough enough to take them all on at once.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," called Jim over to Bart as the sheriff loaded his revolver, "if you shoot Mongo Dash it will just make him angry."
"Well then what am I supposed to do," Bart questioned right back, "that pony who was here earlier called me a foal for even trying but I'm the sheriff here so I have to do something."
A smile stretched across Jim's face, "Tell me Bart, what do you know about zebra-herbology?"
Several minutes of planning later Bart now stood outside Allington's Saloon dressed like a delivery boy with a stupid hat and everything. "This might be the most foalish thing I have ever done," he stated before wiping the frown off of his face and replacing it with a big fake smile.
He walked into the disaster scene, at least a dozen ponies laid on the ground, knocked unconscious, wile about another twenty all had been cornered behind the bar's piano, and were trying to keep from all being squished by Mongo at the same time. "Candy gram for Mongo Dash," called out Bart in his most weenie-esque voice, "candy gram for Mongo."
"Me Mongo," stated the giant pony before leaning off of the piano and saving the twenty or so ponies behind it from suffocation.
"Just sign here please," said Bart as he held out a fake receipt for Mongo, "now then have a blast." Bart walked out of the Saloon casually, but put both hooves up to his ears and ran after he was outside.
"Mongo loves candy," stated the giant pony with a big grin on his face. The few conscious ponies in the bar saw their sheriff and had no clue why he had came in with a box of candies. Then it happened, Mongo stepped away from his victims to open the box, as he opened it a small but powerful explosive was triggered. It went off with just enough force to deafen the entire room, and threw mongo about three feet. He landed with a hard thud, ready to admit defeat.
"So Jim how did you know about apple bombs?" Bart asked his friend who was now sitting at the deputies desk instead of inside a jail cell.
"Celestia's school for the gifted has a lot of alternative magic studies programs, zebra-herbology is actually quite popular." Jim explained, " now what I want to know is how you figured out that he would accept a candy delivery when there is no service that actually delivers candy."
"Really he just isn't the brightest and he was too preoccupied to notice anything fishy," Bart snickered at his own prank, "actually the bitch was inventing the candy gram and I swear to Celestia they will never give me credit for it."
He began to roll up a joint in celebration but stopped when he heard a knock at the office window. When he opened the window there stood Granny Smith, alone in the dark outside with a pie in hand. "Bless you for saving those ponies from Mongo today, and I am so sorry for the 'up yours zigger' earlier, we were just so pissed off," the old mare stated, "of course you would be decent enough not to mention this meeting in public correct?"
"Yes mam, and thank you for the pie," Bart grinned back. He closed the window feeling as though in some small way during that day he had made progress.
Jim looked over to Bart with a grin and said, "you know at this rate maybe in the next twenty years, after you save this shithole a couple more times, you will be able to actually walk up to one of these assholes and shake their hoof in broad daylight."
"Please Jim, that's if I'm lucky," Bart replied.
Upon entering LeRarity's office Taggert knew things weren't going to be easy today. LeRarity had asked for Taggert that day upon hearing the news that Mongo had failed to destroy Appleoosa, but when Taggert walked into the office he saw the Attorney General taking a bubblebath and playing with squeaky, rubber bath toys.
"So the beast has failed," LeRarity spoke as Taggert began to turn around to leave, hoping Headley wouldn't see him.
"Well sir I guess you can't win em all," was Taggert's response, "but theres a number of other options with the railroad and taint one of em gonna really cost much more than these schemes of yours are gonna cost us in the long run. If you look at this diagram…."
"Be still you provincial putz," shouted Headley LeRarity over his associate, "my brilliance is at work, transcending all of your stupidity in a magical whirlwind of thought."
"Well sir I admit that what you just said was purtier than an expensive whore but we should really….."
Taggert was interrupted by Headley LeRarity who exclaimed, "THAT'S IT! When the beast fails I can send in the beauty, if I want to end the life of Bart I must first find a woman for him to seduce, so that she may in turn stab him in his stupid zigger back."
"But sir…" Taggert tried to reason.
"Oh no where is my froggy?" LeRarity called out, "damn it Taggert find my froggy this instant." The squeaky toy was sitting atop LeRarity's desk. Taggert brought the toy over and tossed it into the bubble bath. "Oh froggy please promise me you will never run away like that again." LeRarity squeaked the toy as if it was giving a response. "Daddy loves fwoggy, does fwoggy wuv daddy?" He once again made the frog squeak to answer. "Yes my sweet, squeak, squeak, squeak," LeRarity said sinking further into his bubble bath. Taggert just stared in disgust.
Backstage at a show in Ponyville, the Great and Powerful Lilly prepared for her second act. She was known as the Bridleville Bombshell, her shows sold out nightly, and her life of going on the road and singing with a fake german accent matched her cutie mark of a stage with spotlights. She had admirers in Manehatten, Fillydelphia, Canterlot, and as of tonight, Ponyville. Unfortunately for her one of the admirers was the craziest attorney general in Equestria's long history.
"Oh Lilly, Lilly, those legs Lilly, I just want to sink my teeth in that plump juicy plot of yours and ravage you until you beg me to quit," Headley spoke in the smoothest tone he could manage but Lilly wasn't impressed.
"Last time I begged you to quit because it was terwible," she retorted, coyly whipping the tiny spot of drool from the rim of Headley's mouth, "if I'm not mistaken don't I have a westwaining owder against you."
"Well I am the Attorney General so I got Celestia to undo that stupid court's decision," Headley sneered right back, "but this time it is a matter of business, I have been stalking someone different lately."
"Weally?" she questioned, never taking her eyes of the mad stallion.
"Of course, this time I need you to seduce and murder the sheriff of Appleoosa," Headley explained, "you can do a show at the new outdoor theatre the rednecks built for a front, invite the sheriff back to your dressing room, kill him, and I will give you 50,000 bits for doing so."
"You have yourself a deal Heady, now get yourw hooves of my ass," Lilly sneered at her craziest and most powerful fan.
"ITS HEADLEY!!!" he snapped back.
The news of The Great and Powerful Lilly's arrival in Appleoosa was enough to cause the entire town to celebrate. The new theatre that Mayor Mclean had commissioned was supposed to draw more big name acts to the tiny town than ever before, but no one had expected The Great and Powerful Lilly to be one of them.
In the sheriff's office, Bart and Jim had nothing to do. The paperwork from Mongo's arrest was complete, the office was cleaner than any of dumpy western town's other buildings, and the only thing left to do that day was open mail.
"Oh here's one you might like, it's addressed to Deputy Sparkle," Bart said handing Jim the letter.
"Huh that's funny, I don't remember ever applying for the job," Jim replied.
"Well someone probably just assumed, besides if I ever do get things moving around here being Deputy Jim might not be a bad thing." Bart continued to look through the mail, there were less hate letters than usual, and almost no junk mail. He grabbed an envelope next which was pink and smelled of expensive perfume, upon opening it Bart discovered two tickets to the upcoming performance by the Great and Powerful Lilly. "Who the hell is the Great and Powerful Lilly?" he asked.
"Oh Bart she's a legendary showpony," replied Jim in disbelief, "perhaps one of the most attractive in history. Her actual show really isn't anything that great, but the tight little outfits, the free booze, and the comedy salvage her horrible German accent. Sex with her is a dream for these westerners."
"Well I hate German accents, I have to see ponies all the time with no clothes on so the tight outfits make no sense, but you did say free booze and comedy so I guess I'm in," Bart replied, putting on his tan suede coat and big ol hat. "The show starts in an hour and someone sent me 2 free tickets so why don't you go fix yourself up a bit Jim," Bart looked at his friend who was in dire need of some soap.
"Ok I will clean myself up but I swear if some derp bag sent those as a joke there will be hell to pay," Jim sneered, truly hating practical jokes.
"Fillies and gentlecolts for your pleasure this evening the Appleoosan theatre is proud to present The Great and Powerful Lilly," shouted an announcer from backstage as the small crowd went wild. Lilly's act started with a song about how sick she was of losers constantly trying to have their way with her. She made jokes about herself, and jokes about sex. A light colored unicorn was sitting in a way most ponies found odd, leaning back in the chair with his back hooves propped up on the stage.
"Hey therwe big boy whats youwr name?" Lilly asked the unicorn.
"Tex Heartstrings mam," was his reply.
"Well Tex Heawtstwings Maim I have a question fowr you," Lilly cooed, "awre you in showbusiness?"
"No mam," he stated. The unicorn was from out of town and had never been to one of Lilly's shows before, what happened next surprised him.
"Well Tex maim if youwr not a show pony than get youwr fwiggen whooves off the stage!"
"Oh miss Lilly," an old earthen walked on stage drunk off the free booze, "oh how I love yah…." He was cut off by Lilly's swift kick to a very sensitive spot, and fell off the stage. When Lilly finished her act every single pony stood up and cheered, practically demanding an encore.
A pony in formal business attire walked up to Bart and Jim's seats, and handed Bart a pink envelope. "Smells like the same fragrance as the last one," Bart stated before he opened it, "'pwease meet me in my dwessing woom in the Appleoosa Inn suite 127'. Oh wow she even writes with an accent. Part of me thinks this is a trap."
Jim looked at Bart in disbelief, "I don't care if she has fifty seven men back there with guns, if you die in an attempt to have your way with her then you went out like a man!"
The unicorn sat in her hotel suite awaiting her guest's arrival. When she heard a knock on her door she shouted "come in" in three different languages. The zebra came carrying a single red rose, wearing his suede coat and movie star sun glasses.
"Oh a wed wose, how interwesting," stated the show pony, "why don't you come in and have a seat?"
"Danke, I think I will," Bart said sounding smoother than the coat he was wearing.
"Do you mind if I slip into something mowre comfowrtable?" Lilly asked in her sexiest voice.
"Baby," started Bart trying to suppress a grin, "we are ponies, wearing absolutely nothing is the only way to be."
"Well then if you insist," she took off the show pony outfit, "oh my it surwe is bwight in hewe, mind if I turwn off these candles."
"Eine gute Idee baby," was Bart's reply.
She blew out the candles and made her way over to Bart on her bed. She heard a knock on her door and quickly walked through the dark hotel room, tripping on a table and muttering some German curse words as she went. Headley LeRarity had come to check on the plan.
"Is the zigger still alive?" he asked in a harsh whispered tone.
"Yes but give me until mowrning and he will be wet souwrkraut in my hooves," Lilly replied.
"Splendid, now how about you let me have a quick feel of that ass before I have to leave," Headley asked knowing the inevitable response.
"NINE!" screamed Lilly who then slammed the door in Headley's face. She made her way back to Bart, "sorwy about that intwusion, now where were we?"
"Just about to the part where you say once you go stripes you'll never change your type," replied Bart as he rolled over to reveal his best asset.
"Oh my," exclaimed Lilly, "it's twue what they say about you ponies, it's soooooooo twue!"
It was the next afternoon and Lilly had woken up 'early' to make Bart a traditional Bridleville breakfast of schnitzengruppel. He awoke from what would have appeared to some as a coma, and limped out of bed, still in pain from the previous night's festivities. She handed him a plate full of the sausage like food and he ate it without so much as a seconds hesitation. Lilly just sat there and stared at her sheriff lover while he ate.
"Mowre schnitzengruppel dawrling?" she asked before Bart had even finished the plate full.
"No I think thirteen is my limit on schnitzengruppel," he replied as he grinned to the show pony.
Lilly caught the grin and leaned over to ask, "well if youwr hungewr has been satisfied maybe we should just go in the back woom and satisfy my sexual appetite."
To this Bart jumped out of his chair. "Baby please," he exclaimed, "I'm not from Hoofvana, I'm not a God amongst ponies, my junk still hurts from the 6 straight hours we pulled last night. Also I am seriously late for work, being sheriff requires me to be vigilant but instead I've been here for the past 22 hours."
"But I need you, I must have you," she screamed at the sheriff as he put on his coat.
"When I'm done with work, if I can find some really good vitamins, I might come back," he explained.
"But I want you now," cried the Great and Powerful Lilly, "achtung zalebin kapunkt schmit reeble blookin!"
"Baby please your just making a spectacle of yourself," Bart declared as Lilly grabbed onto his back legs and refused to let go, "that last sentence wasn't even really German."
When Bart arrived back at the sheriff's office, he opened the door to Jim's applause. "Oh you wild stud," Jim said with a smile, "I'll bet you tore that ass up so bad no other pony will ever satisfy the Great and Powerful Lilly again."
"Helps that I have a big ego and know every move in the karma sutra," was Bart's response, "but before I go into graphic details did I miss anything today?"
"Well you're not going to be happy but I have an official telegram from Headley LeRarity ordering Mongo Dash's release," Jim stated with a grim look on his face.
"What would a big time Canterlot politician like LeRarity want with a giant thug?" questioned Bart as he walked over to a special cell. Inside the cell Mongo was taking a nap, completely bound in chains barely lose enough for him to breathe. "Wake up time!" shouted Bart as he grabbed a bucket of water and threw it at Mongo's face.
The giant pegasus awoke with a big stretch, breaking his chains with surprising ease as he yawned. "Ok Mongo, you're free to go," said Bart to the behemoth.
"Mongo no go," was the beast's reply.
"Well come on Mongo, this is your lucky day," said the now confused zebra, "you're a free pony now."
"But Sheriff Bart is the first stallion to ever best Mongo," the massive pegasus stated, "Mongo is impressed, and now have feelings for Sheriff Bart."
"Ohahaha, are you serious Mongo?" Jim laughed at the beast, "hey Bart this one has a bit of a crush you."
"NO! MONGO STRAIGHT!" shouted Mongo at the accusation as he shoved both ponies out of his way, "Mongo hate that ponies confuse my pretty colors for gay, that's why mongo went crazy in the first place."
"Wait Mongo, I was just bucking with you we have a serious question," Jim explained. The giant pegasus stopped, turned around, and gestured so as to say go on.
"I just want to know, what does a high rolling politician like Headley LeRarity want with a dumpy town like Appleoosa?" Bart asked, "I'm very curious since he signed your pardon only three days after we caught you."
"Mongo work for railroad company LeRarity own, it have something to do with where the choo choo goes," Mongo answered.
"Well that's very helpful to us, but do you know anything else?" Bart said, excited about his new lead in the Appleoosa case.
"Don't know, Mongo only a pawn in the game of life," said the behemoth.
The next day the sheriff and his deputy trotted a few miles to the site of the Railway construction, which had now been put on hold for two weeks. The workers saw their comrade approach, wearing his usual wardrobe and sheriff star, and let out a unison cheer as they ran forward to greet their almost fallen friend.
"Bart, oh thank Celestia I heard you were hung," screamed Charlie as he ran forward to hug his best friend.
"If you want to you can ask the Great and Powerful Lilly just how hung I am," joked Bart while at the same time secretly hoping somepony would ask Lilly about him.
"How did you get that shinny star on your chest, are you a sheriff now?" asked Charlie.
"Yeah, you know it, they made me sheriff of Appleoosa," Bart grinned with his response.
"But the other day I heard Lyle and Mr. Taggert talking about how they are gonna level that settlement and replace it with a tourist resort when they bring the railroad through town," Charlie explained.
"Everything he just said is true," said Taggert as he strolled up with 4 of his lackeys and Lyle at his sides, and a revolver in each of their front right hooves, "which is why I'm afraid were gonna just have to kill you ourselves. It breaks my heart that we done took the time and trouble to kill off every single buffalo within a hundred miles, just to see a Celestia damned zigger wearin a sheriff star. Too bad LeRarity thought you would be a good little patsy and play along with him or else you woulda been dead weeks ago."
"Sure is depressin Mr. Taggert," claimed Lyle as he loaded his revolver, "I bet cha would feel better if I put a bullet in that zigger's eye when you count to three."
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," stated Jim coldly as he drew a revolver of his own.
"Some mighty big words comin from a snivelin drunk," was Lyle's response, "look at yuh over here shakin an shiverin, yall only got 6 bullets in that gun, and theres 6 of us. You would have to be the Wako Kid or somethin ta have a ice cubes chance in hell at killin all o us befer we kill yuh and that uppity zigger over there."
"1…2…"Taggert began to count as his lackeys all cocked their guns, but right before he could say 3 Jim Sparkle struck with such speed and smoothness unlike any pony the bumbling villains had ever seen. In just 6 shots and a quarter of a second, Jim had shot every single pony in their shooting hoof, leaving them all hurt, bleeding, and breathless.
"Give it up for the Wako Kid," Bart grinned at the wounded ponies as he pulled out his own revolver and they made a feeble attempt at applause, "now the fun starts, its interrogation time. Which one of my zebras out here with me today hates these ignorant assholes enough to help me kick the living shit out of them for messing with me and my town."
The Zebras and Griffons stuck at their horrible job all began to cheer the loudest they could, as Taggert ran away as fast as his hooves would allow.
The hoof came across Lilly's face with the force of a true pimp slap, followed by another as Headley LeRarity continued to administrate the beating. "One simple task, seduce and abandon the sheriff so that I can kill him, instead you and he did unspeakable things all night and you never let me in to stab him," he sneered, setting up the bloodied snout of the show pony before smacking it again, "tell me something useful or else I kill you, and chop that perfect little horn as a souvenir"
"Nevewr you spineless pussy," she screamed, spitting a tooth at his face, "youwr just jealous of the fact that he's 10 times the stallion you'll ever be. Why it would take a awrmy just to trwy and beat him."
He hit her again, and then thought for a moment on what she had just said. "Yes, an army of evil would be splendid," was all he said.
At that very moment Taggert burst into the room, blood dripping from his right hoof. "Mr. LeRarity sir the sheriff just rounded up a bunch of my men and is interrogatin em right now as we speak," he said with great concern, "you need to get the hell out of Appleoosa before he finds out that you're here or else the entire railroad operation is completely fucked."
"No that won't be necessary Taggert, but time is of the essence," Headley replied, "we need an army of the most vile brutish ponies in all of Equestria. We have 3 days and I want all the murderers, burglars, bank robbers, ass kickers, shit kickers, mugs, thugs, pugs, triple OGs, double gunslingers, single desperados, train robbers, banditos, cheetos, comanches, apaches, Islamic Jihadists, Israeli counterterrorists, gunslingers, drug slingers, Satanists, arsonists, rapists, and Methodists!!!"
"It will nevewr worwk you pussy," shouted Lilly from the floor, "he's going to win you know."
"Shut up you titanic twat!" responded Headley before he smacked her again.
The next day Bart and Jim were sitting inside the sheriff's office filling out forms necessary to obtain an arrest warrant for Headley LeRarity when he heard a commotion coming from outside. Bart stuck his head out the door to see the entire town packing up their things and leaving.
"What is this some kind of hate driven mass exodus?" he called out to Allington Apple as the saloon owner continued to load up a wagon.
"Nothing of the sort," Allington replied as he continued loading his stuff, "one of my friends in the next town found the most disturbing flyer outside a popular criminal hangout spot and well I think you should just come over here and have a look for yourself."
So Bart walked over and read the flyer which said:
WANTED
Bart took one look at the flyer and saw the truth in Headley's scheme. He stood on top of a soapbox and screamed to the ponies, "everypony please stop what you're doing, can't you see that this is the last act of a desperate colt."
"Look I personally couldn't give a shit if it's the first act of Henry The Eighth," shouted Orin right back, "I'd rather be broke than dead so I'm out like pantaloons."
"But ponies please this is your town, stay here and fight this menace with me," Bart shouted to the townsponies, "prove to this psychotic asshole that you don't deserve to be treated like steaming piles of manure."
"NO BUCKING WAY!" the entire town shouted in unison at their sheriff before returning to packing up all of their things.
Bart paused for a moment, and shouted back, "You would do it for Randolph Scott."
"RANDOLPH SCOTT," all of the ponies shouted back as if entranced by the sheer mentioning of the greatest western hero's name. The wagons were unloaded and the guns were brought out, the Ponies of Appleoosa were here to stay.
LeRarity, Taggert, and Lyle stood behind a desk not far from the work site as Headley LeRarity interviewed potential candidates for his army of evil, while Bart and Jim watched from behind a rock formation nearby.
"Qualifications," LeRarity asked the random thug standing in front of his desk.
"Rape, murder, arson, and rape," the thug responded.
"I believe you just said rape twice sir," LeRarity questioned the thugs intentions.
"Well sir that's because rape is my favorite," the thug grinned as he spoke.
Headley LeRarity was impressed, "oh I really like this one. Here is your temporary deputy badge, report back at this spot in two days at noon for the full scale invasion of Appleoosa."
The next potential candidate stepped foreward loudly chewing a piece of gum. "Qualifications," LeRarity asked the big stallion.
"Arson, armed robbery, conspiracy to…" the stallion started but was cut off by LeRarity
"Hold it right there," Headley sneered, "what the hell is that in your mouth?"
"Nothin!" the stallion replied.
"Nothin eh?" LeRarity grabbed the stallion and forced his mouth open, pulling out the chewing gum, "Lyle kill this idiot for his blatant disregard for my rules, there will be no gum chewing unless you bring enough for everypony here."
"But I didn't know…" the stallion started but was shot by Lyle who just laughed at him. The next candidate stepped foreward.
"Oh wow he's completely insane," Jim said quietly to Bart having just witnessed the whole thing, "we really need to figure out a way to get in closer and see what this operation entails."
"Jim I think I'm about two steps ahead of you," Bart replied as he stared at two Ku Klux Klan ponies, "I already know what we have to do but we will have to be quick in order for this to work."
The Klan ponies were a terrorist group, known for dressing in white sheets, with a firm set belief that the only intelligent animal to remain in Equestria were ponies, and that all zebras, buffalo, griffons, and dragons needed eliminated. Worse to them then a zebra was a zebra who wanted to mate with a regular pony. When Jim walked out from behind the rock, he knew of this fact quite well. "Hey boys, you should take a look at what I got over here," Jim called out to the Klan ponies as he hoisted Bart out from behind the rock.
"Where the earth mares at?" Bart shouted as Jim held him out for the two Klan ponies to see.
Outraged by the zebra's outburst, the two Klan ponies followed Jim behind the rock, hoping to teach the zebra a lesson about good old fashioned inequality. They were ambushed by the sheriff and his deputy behind the rock formation, knocked unconscious, and had their hooded white cloaks stolen off of their lifeless bodies. Now completely disguised to the rest of the potential members of Headley's evil army, Bart and Jim were able to move freely amongst the crowd of insane criminals.
"Very good gentlemen, now if you could each take a temporary deputy badge and be back here at noon on Monday," LeRarity explained, accepting a group of young dragon banditos into his army.
"Badges," one of the Dragons exclaimed, "we don't need no stinkin badges essay!" He fired off a few shots and the dragons walked away, remaining badge-less.
Bart and Jim were next in line as the stepped forward to reveal a fake criminal past. "Qualifications?" asked Headley LeRarity to the duo.
"Stampeding cattle" was Jim's response but the look on LeRarity's face showed that he didn't think much of the crime.
"Through Celestia's castle on Gala night," Bart added quickly in hopes that he hadn't lost any of LeRarity's respect for the fake crime.
"Oh wow that's kinky," LeRarity grinned back at the hooded ponies, "here are your badges,
"Oh Bill how many times have I told you to wash that snout of yours after the weekly cross burning," Jim tried to save the situation by trying to rub off the stripe, "there we go, now it's starting to come off."
Unfortunately the ruse had not paid off as Taggert reached out and yanked off Bart's hood, fully revealing his identity. "Now for my next impression, Reggie Bush," shouted Bart as he and Jim ran away as fast as their hooves could carry them.
"After them!" shouted Taggert as the entire army tried to catch the heros, "we can head them off at the pass."
"Head them off at the pass," LeRarity sneered, "I hate that cliché line." He showed his displeasure by pistol whipping Taggert.
It was midnight and the entire town of Ponyville was standing in the middle of the desert. "The zigger better have a damn good explaination," Mayor McLean sneered, "I quit the sex session, er I mean the paperwork I was doing with my assistant to come out here."
"Ponies I have come up with a solution, we build a decoy town and trap the villains," Bart claimed with pride, "we will need help in the construction and the fight, which is why I have brought forth my own army of railroad laborers. In return for quitting their jobs, they will require land to homestead, which is the one thing you ponies have to spare."
The ponies all began to argue loudly, unsure if it was a better choice to put their petty raceism aside for the good of their town, or watch their dreams be destroyed over an ancient tradition of inequality. "Order gentlecolts, fillies, please, order," shouted Mayor McLean over the ruckus.
"You know Discord says from chaos comes order," Orin replied, "I think that's something to consider."
"I think you should consider blowing it out your ass Orin," Upton Pyne replied.
"We have come to an agreement," shouted Allington over the noise, "we will take the ziggers and the sky chinks, but no more pegasi. We have enough drunks as it is, we don't need drunks that can fly above us and take a crap at their will."
"No deal!" shouted Bart, "its all or nothing."
"Fine," scoffed the Mayor, "this imbreeding thing is starting to get out of hoof anyway."
After two days of nonstop work, the decoy town was almost finished, and not a moment too soon. "Bart its almost noon," shouted Jim from atop the ridge overlooking the fake settlement, "the army will be here at any minute and we still haven't replicated all of the ponies yet!"
"Relax Jim," Bart the zebra smiled a devious grin, "some of my friends and I went out into the desert and put up a little road block to slow them down. That is assuming these ponies are as dumb as I think they are."
Taggert lead Headley LeRarity's army across the desert as they gradually made their way towards Appleoosa. The army was only a few miles outside of the town when Taggert saw something he couldn't believe. "Hahaha can you believe that dumb bitch Celestia put up a toll booth in the middle of the desert," he scoffed as he stared at the tiny booth surrounded by nothing on either side, "who the hell would pay a one bit toll to pass a booth in the middle of nowhere surrounded by nothing, when any reasonable pony would just run around the damn thing?"
At that moment Taggert turned around to see that the entire army had turned back towards their camp. "Where the hell are ya goin!" he screamed at them as they galloped off.
"We gotta go back n get a shit load of bits!" screamed Lyle back at him as the army rode off in the distance leaving their leader stranded in the desert.
"Faust damn it!" he screamed in disbelief, "I just know that damn zigger done tricked us again!"
A few hours later the villains had all made their way through the fake toll booth and were chargeing into the decoy Appleoosa as fast as they could. The town's residents, along with its new members stood atop the ridge waiting for Jim to set off the explosive charges set up in a series of apple-bombs placed around the decoy. Jim saw that all of the villains had made their way into the town, and pushed the plunger hoping to set off a massive explosion. Nothing happened as the wires appeared to be frayed.
"Not good," said Jim as he looked down at the unexploded buildings, "any minute they will find out this town is fake and run to the real thing."
"Do you think you can possibly fire a shot from here and set off the bombs that way?" Bart asked as every pony stood awaiting Jim's answer with baited breath.
"Maybe," replied Jim, "but I will need absolute silence and concentration in order for this to work."
The ponies, zebras, and griffons all stopped their talking and watched as Jim set up his weapon, pulling back the plunger and readying his firing hoof. "Oh great Faust please guide this stallion's hoof and bless his keen eye!" shouted the reverend as all of the denizens of Appleoosa began to throw things and jeer at him to shut up for a moment. Jim took a deep breath and readied the shot.
"Wait you foolish foals!" cried out Headley LeRarity as he charged onto the scene stopping all of the villains from wrecking up the decoy for a moment, "the real Appleoosa is a mile and a half away! My hangman has seen this movie and says that if you don't get out of here right now we will all be blown to…"
With that, Jim Sparkle set off a perfect shot with pinpoint accuracy, causing all of the bombs to explode and tearing a hole in the fourth wall. All of the villains were sucked into the vortex. "Well what are we waiting for, this story can't end without a good fight scene," shouted Orin Apple as all of the Appleoosans charged into the vortex after their foes.
"Part of me thinks this can't end good Bart," stated Jim as he pulled out his gun and loaded it, "I mean who knows where we will end up!"
"Jim, we are the heroes," Bart replied, "what could possibly go wrong?"
On the set of Rue Paul's drag race, a giant staircase had been set up with a fountain on either side and a tunnel of love in the back. The men dressed up like women were performing a song and dance routine bad enough to set homosexuals back 60 years. "Throw out your hands! Stick out your tush! Hands on your hips! Now give up a push! You'll be surprised you're doing the French Mistake viola!" the flaming men dressed as women all sung in unison, doing an almost flawless dance routine until the very end when one of them fell off of the studio stairs and into a fountain on the side.
"No Dammit we have been over this a million times you fucking fruit cakes!" Rue Paul screamed at his (or maybe her) transvestites, "now play back the song and watch my every move you fairies!" The song played back and Rue Paul in his lovely evening gown twirled and sang and stuck out his rump in the exact same spot where the performer had fallen. The large, skinny man wearing a dress performed every move with perfection, only to misstep at the very end and fall into the same fountain where his performer had.
"Ok did you get all that?" he asked as he got up and tried to play it off like nothing had gone wrong.
"Yesssssssssss" the rest of the transvestites hissed back at him.
"Then quit sounding like a bunch of steam escaping and take it from the top," Rue Paul shouted back at his homosexuals, "and a five, six, seven, eight!"
At that moment the fourth wall broke sending all of the ponies into the studio with the homosexual men. They had begun to kick and punch each other, sometimes even becoming confused and harming those who were on the same side as them in the pandemonium. "Look at the darling little ponies having a scuffle," one of the men in an evening gown remarked, "they are just so adorable."
"Ah'll show ya adorable!" shouted Lyle as he clobbered the man with a terrific punch, moving towards another as he backed up towards the tunnel of love.
"Stay back you brute, you nasty vicious little…" the man was cut off by Lyle pushing him into the tunnel of love. The two emerged from the tunnel in a friendly embrace.
"I guess we both had abusive daddies," Lyle said as he walked with the man, "Ah just wish Ah had forgave mine cuz maybe Ah woulda made better life choices."
"You're telling me," the man responded with a laugh, "and I'm the one making a living out here in an evening gown doing the French mistake."
"Voila!" Lyle responded as both of them shared a laugh.
"And on your right is the set of the hit gay TV show, Rue Paul's drag race!" said the tour guide as she brought the large vehicle to a halt for all of them to get a good look, "the show which portrays homosexuals in a negative light while at the same time giving them a chance in Hollywood is just stop one on our tour."
Headley LeRarity hopped onto the back of the vehicle hoping no one would notice him as he pulled off and away from the fight. "And right next door is the set of the new Batman Movie, which is set to finish today so long as Raging actor Christian Bale doesn't go off on a tirade!" the tour guide continued as the vehicle drove off.
"Cat Woman I swear to God if you don't give up this instant I will fucking kill you!" Christian Bale shouted in his batman suit at the sexy actress (who unfortunately was not Hale Berry).
"Cut!" shouted the director, "No Christian the line is 'cat woman give up the jewels and no one gets hurt'."
"Director I swear to God if you criticize me one more time I will fucking kill you!" Christian Bale screamed.
At that moment the ponies and homosexuals burst onto the scene and began to wreck up the place as they continued their fighting. "That's it someone is going to die!" shouted the actor as he began to fight a horde of bandito ponies, trying to tear them limb from limb and succeeding in one case.
Other actors joined in and the brawl became even larger and more complex as villain ponies, fought good ponies, fought actors, fought gay actors, and somewhere in the middle the griffons and zebras were pretty much fighting everybody.
Jim and Bart bumped into each other, both turning around and clocking each other in the face with great force. "Oh shit it's Jim," Bart laughed, "I'm so sorry about that my stallion."
"Don't worry about it Bart," Jim replied with a grin, "I think that was just as much my fault as it was yours."
The fight gradually destroyed the set and moved on from one place to the next.
"So they lose me after the bunker scene," stated a man dressed like Hitler to a man sitting across from him dressed up like a clown, "personally I can't believe they are doing another fricken movie about Nazis but hey as long as I get paid."
The actors sat in the studio commissary, eating their lunches and complaining about bad directors and nepotism that plagued their industry. Then Taggert flew through the door, landing on the rack where a few people had trays of food and sliding all the way down to the cashier. "I see the beef stew, the macaroni and cheese, two orders of fried chicken, and a pudding," the cashier stated as Taggert groaned and bled onto the floor, "that will be 12 dollars and 15 cents. Cash or charge?"
The rest of the massive brawl bust through the door, now incorporating all of the actors into it as well. "Get your pies for the great pie fight scene!" shouted a baker trying to capitalize on the moment. Soon he had made a few hundred bucks and several pies flew around the room, messing up everything in sight and covering everyone in whipped cream.
LeRarity walked up to the Chinese theater and bought himself a ticket, trying to pass off as a student by showing his ID to a clerk from his days at Equestria Tech. He still had to pay full price for the ticket, and more than full price for the gigantic bucket of popcorn he ordered at the concession stand.
"Look Momy I gots a Rarity toy," the five year old girl stated with pride to her mother.
"That's LeRarity you twit!" Headley shouted as he walked past, making the girl stand there in shock at the sight of an actual real life unicorn. The movie he entered was Blazing Saddles, part of the theatre's throwback line. He sat down in his seat and began to laugh at the final fight scene which he had just caught in time to see. As Bart the sheriff entered the movie theatre in the film, Bart the zebra sheriff entered the movie theatre and sat down behind LeRarity. "No you foal leave out the back door," LeRarity screamed at his human counterpart.
"You know he can't hear you right?" Bart laughed as he slapped a pair of hoof cuffs on LeRarity, "but then again I guess you were just stupid enough to make the same mistake he did."
"But in the movie you shoot me?" LeRarity sneered at the zebra, "don't be a pussy now, end me right here."
"Headley, that's just a movie, I actually have to do this one by the book." Bart laughed as he hauled the criminal away, "Celestia has issued a warrant for your arrest so you have the right to remain silent, the right to speak to your attorney, and the right to kiss my zebra ass."
The ponies found Hasbro Studios where Lauren Faust magically teleported all of them back to Appleoosa. The prosecution was fairly lenient on LeRarity, forcing him into house arrest and making him give up his job as head of the Canterlot Railroad Company. In disgrace he resigned from being Equestria's Attorney General.
Back in Appleoosa Bart said his goodbyes to the ponies, zebras, griffons, and buffalo who were now living in harmony with one another, at least for the time being.
"So with a heavy heart I say goodbye to you all," Bart spoke with love in his heart, "but I must go, for wherever there is injustice I will help good triumph, wherever there is hatred I will spread the love, and wherever there is intolerance I will…"
"BULLSHIT!" shouted the townsfolk as the interrupted his speech.
"Fine your right," Bart admitted, "but this whole speaking the plain truth thing is getting pretty old around here." And with that he said a few more goodbyes before turning and leaving the town for one last time.
Bart was joined by his best friend Jim and the two galloped off into the sunset, the perfect end to their western adventure.
