Author's Note

Reminder, Commissions are open! Hit me up if you want me to write anything as I am in running low on food.

Diplomacy Check

I groaned and rolled over onto my back only to wince in pain.

“Still kinda stings,” I muttered to myself.

I then tried to roll onto my stomach but forgot that my bed was way too small for that and instead, I ended up on the ground. Sprawled out on the floor of my prison cell, I groaned and stumbled awkwardly into a lopsided sitting position.

“The second I’m out of here I am going to spend three days sleeping in my own damn bed,” I declared.

Rubbing my back, I stood up and looked blearily around the room. It was early, barely any light was able to enter through the barred window behind me. By the sounds of it, only the guards were awake as I couldn't hear anyone walking around. The nightguard was stealthy after all, while Twilight trundled around like a drunken bull, at least before she got some coffee in her anyway.

“What to do what to do,” I muttered aloud.

Leaning back down, I snuck a hand under my bed and found that the dagger I had stashed there had not fallen out. I wanted to keep it on me, but with my armor all but destroyed that wasn't really possible anymore. A part of me weeped for my mishmash of metal and leather that I had cobbled together, but most of me was happy to see it go.

After all, Rarity had promised me a new set. A real set, one made by a professional and not hammered into place by a half-drunken amateur using scavenged material.

“I wonder what kind of bonus that would give me. It would have to be masterwork so a plus one on top of whatever bonus you get from plate right?” I mused to myself.

Putting that thought aside for the moment, I slipped into the bathroom, only to be surprised by the presence of a robe hanging from the wall. I grabbed one of the arms and found that it was in my size, probably even slightly too large. There was a note attached to it as well, which I, of course, read immediately.

“Dear Fareeah. I heard about what happened and hastily threw together this robe. I also put a rush on the order for more armor. Hopefully, it is done soon. Hugs and kisses, Rarity,” I muttered. “Huh, well that was… nice.”

I tried on the robe and found that yes, just as I thought it was a bit on the big side. That being said it was nice. Warm without being hot, cool without being cold. The perfect middle ground while also being nice and breezy on my naughty bits.

“Probably should have tried it on after the shower. Oh well,” I declared before pulling the thing off and hanging it back up.

I then got into the shower, and turned on the water, falling into the rhythm of cleaning myself. As my hands and body moved, my mind wandered, going back to the events of the previous night.

Things kind of simmered down after Twilight found us. The guards were close behind, and though there was a bit of confusion over what happened, that was quickly explained. Cadance didn't stick around for long either, which sucked but whatever. She had to go back to report these events to Celestia herself. Well, she didn't have to per se but she felt like she needed to, and I had a feeling she wanted to get away from me.

Which stung, but she did thank me again and promised to see me again soon so that dulled the pain of the rejection a bit. Either way, I was in too much pain to do anything anyhow so it wasn't a big deal. I just followed Twilight around until I got some medical attention and was dumped rather unceremoniously back in here.

Not much of note happened, though I felt as though I was being watched for a while when we were in the forest. I also got the impression that there was no hostile intent, that and I briefly picked up the smell of honey mead on the breeze. It had to have been my little tribe of losers, I could feel it down in my bones, but I had no way to actually confirm that thought.

“I’m surprised they haven't tried to break me out yet,” I declared to myself.

Wrapping up my shower, I donned the robe and started to wonder about what else I could do to pass the time. The first thought I had was to try and wake everyone up so I could get out of this shithole, but before I could start being annoying I noticed something.

I looked out the window to where a paper airplane was soaring on the breeze and heading straight toward me. I was so confused by this that I didn't even move until it slipped through the gap in the window. Snatching it out of the air, I unfolded it to find that within lay the delicate cursive of Pilfered Pommel.

He was another of the former bandits that I saved who I may have forgotten to name. He was the effeminate fellow with the dual longswords. He also had excellent handwriting for someone who lacked hands.

“Dear Fareeah, our most glorious leader,” I began, only to pause and snort derisively. “Even when you are writing you are a kiss ass.”

“Anyway,” I began again. “We see that you are in a spot of trouble. However, judging from Merry Mead’s report you don't seem to be in any distress.”

“That explains the honey smell,” I muttered to myself.

“If you require a rescue, look out the window, and give us a thumbs up. If you don't need our help, and have this little issue well in hand (as I assumed) then give us a thumbs down,” I concluded. “Signed, Pilfered Pommel, and the gang.”

Crumpling up the paper, I tossed it into my mouth, chewed, swallowed, and then walked over to the window. There I scanned the distant woodlands for any sign of them, only to find that they were all gathered between a pair of pines. The cadre had squeezed themselves into a tight place and were busy arguing with themselves. Well almost all of them were arguing. Merry Mead was still looking my way.

I stuck my arm out as far as it could go and stuck my thumb down. I then held it there for a few seconds before pulling it back. When I next glanced at the spot where the group had been, there was no one to be seen.

“Hopefully they got the message,” I muttered. “Oh well. I’m sure it will work itself out.”

Falling back into bed, I waited for time to pass, entertaining myself by letting my mind wander once more. Though I initially started thinking about Cadance, my thoughts drifted back to the past, to when I had first started playing Dungeons and Dragons those months ago. I am not sure why but I felt like it was important that I ruminated on the others in my party, limited though it was.

There had been myself, and two others but I couldn't remember much about either of them. Maybe I just had a shit memory, which wasn't totally untrue, but I got the feeling that being here had damaged those same memories. Whatever the reason, I could only recall a tiny shred about each of them.

One had been the dungeon master’s friend from high school and had their character created before we got there. Then there was my friend, who was the opposite of me in nearly every way. However, that was where things stopped, with my brain unable to come up with an image of what they looked like. I also couldn't recall any details other than those tidbits I have just mentioned.

“Are my memories changing? Am I remembering more? Less? Is this whole line of thinking stupid?” I asked, only to frown. “I really need to stop hanging out with Twilight. I am talking to myself a lot more lately. It is probably not helpful for my mental health.”

I gave my head a shake, then drank a bunch of water and sat back down. I let my mind wander again, but this time it stayed on the topic of Cadance for a while, which was nice. It got to the point that I was nearly getting a bit of a lady boner going so I stopped thinking about her.

To distract myself I used one of my claws to remove a good foot off the bottom of the robes, making the hem end just above my knees. It was a bit rude to modify a gift, but I was getting a bit warm under the collar for some reason, and I chose to remedy that with a bit of redneck air conditioning.

With that out of the way, I laid back down to wait, though I didn't have to stay there for long. I soon heard moving up above me, and after only a few short minutes, a bleary-eyed Twilight stumbled down the stairs holding a coffee cup. I would have assumed Nightmare Moon would have been better off given everything but she looked even worse than Twilight somehow.

“Wow. You guys look like shit,” I exclaimed. “Which is weird. Because I was the one who got kidnapped, nearly murdered, and then had the flesh flensed from her back.”

“Flensed? Twilight, what does this word mean? We did not have it back then,” Luna asked.

“It's usually used in the context of hunting when someone would slice the skin and or fat from a carcass,” Twilight replied, only to wince. “Augh, why are we talking about this?”

“Because you guys look like you haven't gotten a wink of sleep all night,” I answered.

“I for one, have not slept yet,” Luna stated, seating herself at the table, and pulling out a bag of what looked like plant stems. “But that is not a concern. I have plenty of kakat to go around. Twilight, would you like some?”

“Wait, jaad, you mean…” Twilight gasped. “Luna, that's an illicit drug! You can't eat that.”

“Watch me,” Luna retorted, stuffing a wad of the stuff under her tongue.

“Augh that's illegal. You know what? I’m not even going to ask you why you have a bag of griffon marching weed on you,” Twilight exclaimed.

“I do not understand the issue. It merely helps you stay alert over long times,” Luna retorted.

“I am not having this conversation right now,” Twilight stated firmly.

“Yeah I hate to do this Luna but I think I’m with Twilight on this one,” I added, leaning against the wall. “It seems like you should just do a mocha frappe with four shots of espresso like all the decent law-abiding stimulant addicts do.”

“I am a princess. I do what I want. Now then, would you mind getting our guest out of her cell?” Luna asked.

“Augh, fine but I am telling Celestia about this,” Twilight warned, wagging a hoof at the other alicorn.

“If you didn't like me chewing on weeds then you really aren't going to like it when you find out what Celestia puts in that pipe of hers,” Luna retorted, leaning back in her seat and chewing loudly on the mass of mashed-up plant matter.

“What do you- nope. Not dealing with that either,” Twilight exclaimed. “That's going deep down in the psyche.”

“Right next to the image of me making out with your babysitter,” I added.

Twilight shuddered. “Don't remind me.”

“Oh, that actually happened?” Luna muttered. “I assumed something awkward happened between you three but no one would tell me anything.”

“It was great,” I began, pausing as the barrier keeping me in my cell was removed and I was allowed to take a seat at the table. “We did the most romantic thing two people can do.”

“You fought together,” Luna reasoned. “Interesting. I am a bit surprised things did not progress further. I have taken more than a few lovers right there on the battlefield, armor still slick with sweat and blood.”

“I hate you guys so much right now,” Twilight muttered.

“Let's uh back up. For Twilight's sake,” I offered.

Luna shrugged, and I took that as agreement.

“So uh, why do you two look like crap exactly?” I pressed. “You can't both have been up all night imagining me and Cadence going at it.”

“Please stop,” Twilight murmured pitifully.

“Right, sorry. Go ahead,” I agreed, holding up my hands in defeat.

“We were attempting to hunt down your attackers,” Luna answered. “I patrolled the Everfree all night while Twilight held interviews long into the night. I believe she has had only a few short hours of sleep.”

“Oh shit well if you guys need to postpone the interview I don't mind. Though I’d appreciate some breakfast. Saving the day really builds up an appetite,” I replied, patting my stomach in emphasis.

“I’ll have someone bring something down in an hour or so,” Luna stated.

“No, we can continue. Besides, with you saving a member of the royal family this is a bit of a formality at this point,” Twilight muttered. “Plus I asked someone to join us for a few questions before we begin and he should be here soonish.”

“It's Shining Armor, isn't it? You think he had a hand in all this. Oh, this is rich,” I exclaimed, kicking my feet up and throwing my arms behind my back. “I can't wait to rub his nose in the fact that I made out with his girl. You think he’ll try to kill me again?”

“Please for the love of the stars and sun, don't,” Twilight pleaded.

“I wouldn't,” I quickly interjected, holding up my hands. “I know better than to poke that particular sore spot. Cadence has the tact for that little revelation. I do not.”

“It is good to know your strengths and your weaknesses,” Luna remarked.

“Thank you Fareeah,” Twilight exhaled, breathing a sigh of relief.

“Don't worry about it,” I dismissed. “We’re friends now. It's what we do.”

I snapped my fingers and pushed my feet off the table, the chair legs hitting the ground with a clack.

“Hey why don't we use this time to talk about getting me that different ring you talked about,” I offered. “You said you were gonna put like an anti-teleportation rune on it and I want it.”

“Oh right. I’ll go get it. I’d just teleport it but… you know,” Twilight answered, getting up from her chair.

“Send someone down with food too. I’m starving. Oh, and get something for Luna, she has the look of a woman who hasn't eaten in sixteen hours,” I called out after the departing Twilight.

“Got it!” Twilight shouted back.

“Thank you Fareeah,” Luna murmured. “I’m afraid I’ve been forgetting to eat recently.”

“Are you sure that's not a side effect of the.. You know,” I replied, pointing to her lip.

“Oh this is actually just dried and seasoned orchard grass,” Luna replied while pulling out another hoof full of the stuff. “I’ve always had the habit of chewing on things when I think and I like messing with Twilight.”

“Ahh that makes sense. Wait, but does that mean that you did use to do that stuff?” I asked. “Not judging or whatever. Just curious.”

“Yes, back in the day we have done things modern ponies call drugs. We also did things most ponies would consider war crimes, but you’d be surprised at how many people get offended over that first thing and not the second,” Luna muttered, bitterness tinging her faintly reverberating voice.

“It was a different time,” I offered.

“We knew what we were doing then. Masking our deeds in the guise of necessity does the victims of our crimes a disservice,” Luna retorted, scoffing. “But enough of such dark subjects. We wish to speak of something lighter, lest Twilight pick up on our foul mood.”

“Cadence used lust beams to defeat the changelings last night,” I stated.

Luna paused and seemed genuinely taken aback only to erupt with laughter.

“Oh, that is too funny. The pacifist finally has to fight and that's the first thing she hits them with,” Luna exclaimed between bouts of giggling. “Celestia is going to get a kick out of that. Why I bet she’s laughing right now.”

“It was pretty funny. Most of them made out or proclaimed their love but some of them did end up fighting amongst themselves so,” I added, giving a halfhearted shrug.

“Still. A lust beam. That is most humorous,” Luna murmured, wiping her eyes of the tears that had begun to build there. “Thank you for remedying the mood.”

“Err before you thank me,” I began, glancing at Luna’s shadow, which was at the moment whipping back and forth like the wagging tail of a dog. “Is there a reason your shadow is doing that?”

“What is she doing?” Luna growled, glancing down at her suddenly normal shadow. “That's what I thought.”

I frowned and was about to press the issue, maybe even ask why she kept saying we instead of the first person singular but Twilight chose to return. Glancing up at the bottom of the stairs I noticed she was not alone, as Shining Armor had joined her. He looked… normal. I couldn't place it but he seemed different despite appearing as he always did, annoyed and wearing the garb of a royal guard.

“Ahh Twilight. So good of you to return along with the uh… serving boy?” I remarked, snapping my fingers as if I had forgotten Shining Armor’s name.

“No. I’ve got that handled myself, thank you very much,” Twilight retorted, levitating a pair of plates down in front of us.

“As if I would serve you anything other than a knuckle sandwich,” Shining Armor growled.

“Why would you say that? You don't even have knuckles,” I retorted.

I ignored the stallion’s bitter grumbling and dug into the rather simple, but pleasant breakfast given to me. Eggs, toast, hashbrowns, a fried tomato, and even some bacon, it was a few extra additions away from being a full English. That made me even hungrier, but thankfully the portion size was significant.

“Thank you Twilight,” Luna offered.

“Yesh fank you,” I added, mouth stuffed with food.

“You are very welcome, Luna,” Twilight pointedly replied, shooting me a glare.

I rolled my eyes, and after a few more chews, swallowed hard.

“So,” I began, pausing to swallow the bit of toast that refused to go down the first time. “What's Armor Boy doing here?”

“I’ll explain in a second. For now, I have to activate the field,” Twilight began.

The alicorn powered up her horn, and after a short moment of silence broken only by renewed chewing, the spell was cast. The zone of truth passed over all of us, making my skin tingle slightly before it dissipated, leaving me feeling slightly queasy.

“Ooh, the zone of truth. I like sm-big butts and I can't lie,” I sang. “You other brothers can't deny.”

“Enough of your trite rambling,” Shining Armor interrupted. “Twilight. Speak your question so I may dismiss these rumors.”

“Alright,” Twilight began, clearing her throat. “Did you, Shining Armor. Knowingly have anything to do with the attempted assassination of Cadence and Fareeah last night.”

“I did not,” Shining Armor stated. “Well? Is that it?”

“Luna?” Twilight offered.

“Do you have any leads on who could have done this? Suspicions even,” Luna added.

“Nothing concrete,” Shining Armor replied.

“Then you have a lead,” I pointed out, jabbing my fork at him.

“I have a suspicion that they may have been a new arrival in Ponyville that was spotted a day ago,” Shining Armor answered, crossing his forelegs over his chest. “But that is all I have at this moment.”

“That's all, big brother,” Twilight exhaled. “You can go.”

Shining Armor snorted and left the room without saying a word, silently fuming.

“Is it just me or does he look taller?” I mused aloud. “Nah, it's probably nothing.”

“I did not notice anything, though I have been quite focused on these delicious eggs,” Luna remarked. “Am I to assume that they came from the Apple family farm?”

“They did, yeah,” Twilight murmured, the mare still staring at the basement door.

“Hey. He’ll come around,” I whispered. “I’m sure that after all this is done and dealt with he’ll come to grips with things and if we’re lucky, go back to his old self.”

“Thanks Fareeah. Here’s to hoping,” Twilight muttered.

“Right so. The ring,” I prompted.

“Oh yes!” Twilight exclaimed, plucking a small, golden ring adorned by three opaque, white gems. “I had just enough time to get it done last night before I passed out for what would become little more than a nap.”

“What's all on it?” I asked, pushing the food to one corner of my mouth.

“Anti teleportation enchantment, a tracking enchantment, and a translation matrix. Just in case,” Twilight added, a tinge of pride worming into her voice.

“That's convenient. Though I ain't a fan of getting tracked,” I retorted.

“It's not cursed,” Twilight hastily added. “You can remove it at any time. I don't want a repeat of last time. As no matter how small a chance there may be for that to come back to bite us, I still want to nip that problem in the bud.”

“Good pun,” I remarked.

“Ahh yes. Bite, and bite. I hadn't even noticed,” Luna muttered.

“Funny. Anyway. Let's get this show on the road as Pinkie Pie would say,” Twilight began. “Where did we leave off again? At the point where you killed a manticore and stole medical supplies.”

“Those two are interconnected and I’d like to remind you that I attempted to pay for them,” I countered.

“I’m sure that once we hear the whole story it will all make sense,” Luna interrupted. “Speaking of which, why don't you start there.”

“Right, so, this was a month or so after I became buddy buddy with the former bandits,” I began, pushing my empty plate forward. “I had been accepted by their leader and was teaching them the ways of the adventurer when I went out on a seemingly normal hunt. But little did I know things would take a turn for the worse.”