“So,” I began, tromping up the stairs after Twilight. “What's your sex life like?”

“I…” Twilight paused halfway up the stairs. She then stood there for a moment with a look on her face that made me think she was either trying to swallow vomit or resist the urge to hit me.

Or both.

“Why do you ask that?” She finally concluded.

We then continued upward, though at a noticeably quicker pace.

“Curiosity, really,” I admitted. “I always kind of suspected that you were either a late bloomer or asexual which would make sense given how delayed your social development was.”

“How do you know all…” Twilight sighed. “You’re not entirely incorrect though.”

We made our way through the library, pausing only briefly for Twilight to speak to a member of the guard. After it was known where we were going, and a small squad was assembled to tail us at a distance, we were off once more. This time Twilight and I walked side by side into the mean streets of Ponyville, my long strides matched by the alicorn’s four legs.

“So, not incorrect how?” I pressed.

“Maybe you are a good match for Cadence. You certainly pry as much as she does,” Twilight muttered. “And are as uncomfortably observant as her.”

“We share many passions,” I exclaimed, grinning widely.

“Yes well,” Twilight cleared her throat. “I haven't really given it much thought recently, but I suppose I’d say I’m asexual though perhaps that will change with time.”

“Don't overthink it. We are all creatures who exist in a state of flux,” I proclaimed, channeling as much cool, lesbian aunt energy as I could muster.

“Hmmm, thanks,” Twilight murmured. “It's nice to know at least someone isn't pressuring me into having kids.”

“I didn't think Cadance would do that,” I remarked.

“No, she's one of the few who don't. Its just Shining Armor, and my parents,” Twilight replied, waving off my concern. “Shining really wants to be a quote, cool older uncle while my parents are more excited for grandparenthood than they were for parenthood if you believe what my aunt says anyway.”

“All the fun stuff, but way less of the responsibility. I can see the appeal,” I muttered, tapping my chin.

“Regardless, I… hey is that Rarity?” Twilight exclaimed.

I followed her gaze to find that the white-furred unicorn was waving us down from the other side of the road. Twilight and I made our way over to the mare, who seemed to have been on the way back from a small shopping trip. Bulging saddle bags emblazoned with her cutie mark lay across her withers, their contents nearly spilling out onto the dusty road.

“Ahh, it's good that I caught you,” Rarity declared. “I have something of a surprise for our resident gnoll back at my shop.”

“Oh? Is it armor? Or a sword, or a bottle of decent alcohol?” I pressed in childlike insistence.

“I have all three of those things but only one of them is for you, darling,” Rarity countered deftly.

“I like you. Twilight can I keep her?” I asked, leaning toward the alicorn.

“I’m afraid you’ll have to give up your claim on Cadance then,” Twilight retorted.

“Ooh, another good counter. You guys are really good at this whole banter thing,” I declared, giving them an only slightly condescending slow clap.

“Yes well. When you are friends with Rainbow Dash for as long as we have been, you learn to fire back as it were. But to jump to the end here, it’s armor,” Rarity concluded.

“What, already?” I blurted, eyes wide. “How?”

“My associate has apparently been in something of a trance for the last forty-eight hours,” Rarity answered. “I think the old craftsmen called it a strange mood. Something to do with cutie marks or something.”

“I remember reading about that,” Twilight added. “It's a compulsion that overtakes a pony, making them entirely focused on a single task to the detriment of anything else.”

“Neat. So it's done then? Can I wear it?” I pressed, glancing from Twilight to Rarity expectantly.

“Armor is defensive by its very nature so I don't see why not,” Twilight admitted.

“And I was heading home already so I would be more than happy to accompany you,” Rarity added.

Twilight glanced over her shoulder and gestured with her chin towards Rarity’s boutique. The signal sent, Twilight extended a hoof in invitation.

“After you then,” Twilight offered.

“Excellent. I admit I am rather eager to rid myself of this particular piece,” Rarity declared as we began to walk towards her boutique.

“Is it that hideous?” I asked.

“I wouldn't say hideous it's just…” Rarity paused, her face scrunching up for a moment. “Intimidating.”

“A fine choice of words. I assume it's given a patron or two of yours a fright,” I added.

“You could say that again. I thought old lady Hen Feather was going to have a heart attack when she saw that helmet,” Rarity stated, shuddering at the mere memory.

“Oooh color me intrigued,” I murmured eagerly.

A few moments later we reached Rarity’s front door. The unicorn unlocked it and stepped inside, holding it open for Twilight and I to enter. We did so immediately, with me ducking under the low door frame before stepping inside and looking around with all the excited energy of a kid who had been promised a mystery present.

“Where is it? Where is my precious?” I demanded.

“Right over there darling, just give me a moment to unload my bags,” Rarity dismissed.

I followed her hoof to a bipedal stand at the back of the boutique, near the entrance to her private residence area. Covered by a cloth, I couldn't tell much about it other than that the helmet looked like a real piece of work. Just the outline alone told me that it resembled a stylized wolf helm, adding to my already bubbling curiosity.

“Ooh I have got to see this,” I proclaimed, all but sprinting across the space.

Crossing the distance I threw off the blanket that had been used to cover it.

“This is beautiful,” I murmured.

“It's hideous,” Twilight added.

“Quiet, you,” I snapped, running the back of my hand down the helmet’s cheek. “Don't listen to her. You are gorgeous.”

We were both right, in our own way. The helmet was hideous, resembling a bone-white hyena skull molded into a helmet perfectly formed for my rather unique features. It had a functioning hinged jaw sporting two rows of sharp teeth (pointier even then the ones I had naturally.)

Besides the helmet though, the armor seemed strangely normal. The breastplate was large and was bound around the bottom by a heavy leather belt with an iron buckle at the front. Lightly stylized with a pair of crossed roses just below my neck, these small flourishes seemed to be the only embellishments present.

The rest of the armor was spartan, being all the same shade of greyish black, including the roses which thankfully weren't a bright red. That would have given me away immediately, and I likely would have been forced to paint or sand them off the moment I had left. Thankfully that wasn't the case, as everything was dull, and painted dark colors, perfect for a fighter slash rogue slash druid, like me.

The armor was clearly made for protection though it did not sacrifice anything in the way of maneuverability. Its main armored components were the breastplate, the gorget that covered my neck, the steel leg coverings, and a pair of heavy gauntlets that extended all the way to my elbow. The exposed sections of my upper arms weren't completely devoid of coverings though as the metal plates also came with a dark leather that I didn't recognize.

“What is this made out of,” I murmured, rubbing the strange, rough-looking leather between my fingers. “It's really thick.”

“Treated serpent skin, apparently,” Rarity remarked, shouting from inside the kitchen. “It naturally turns that shade of black after being oiled and exposed to the air.”

“Thats wild,” I muttered.

“I read about that,” Twilight offered. “In olden days they’d used to trade the sea serpents grooming products, and fine china for the skin they shed once every few years.”

“Stephen Magnet you magnificent bastard. You’ve come in clutch once again,” I declared.

It was beautiful, and ignoring what Rarity and Twilight were talking about, I donned armor immediately. There were more then a few straps, and the leather pants and shirt took a bit of struggling to put on but thankfully Rarity had a changing room I could use. I had been fully intending on just stripping right there in front of everyone, but I didn't have much of a choice in the matter and was tossed into the aforementioned room by Twilight.

Try not to judge me too harshly. I was suffering from new armor trance and wasn't paying attention to anything but the task in front of me.

Either way, it didn't take long to have it all on, including the helmet which I was impressed to find fit me like a glove. With everything on, I noticed a few small details that weren't readily obvious before. For one, the helmet wasn't nearly as noticeable as I thought it would be, as it was actually a dull white. Secondly, it was enchanted, a fact I discovered after I knelt down to adjust the boots that came with it.

“Oooh neat,” I murmured.

My reflection had become semi-translucent, and though not invisible, would certainly make me harder to see. Why, if I was crouched in a bush it would likely be very difficult to spot me especially if I remained perfectly still. I kept this little detail to myself and stood back up, the effect ending once my back was straight.

“Are you alright in there darling? Not getting too excited by the new armor, I hope,” Rarity teased.

“Nah,” I dismissed, stepping out of the changing room. “Just really impressed with it, is all.”

“My goodness,” Rarity murmured, clutching her chest the moment she laid eyes on me. “That really does have quite the effect, doesn't it?”

“It is rather unnerving,” Twilight agreed. “Perhaps you should remove the helmet at least.”

“Yeah, no problem. You could send it back to the library or whatever. I don't want to cause a scene when we talk to that potion guy,” I replied, unhooking the helm and handing it over to Twilight.

“Oh, what is this about?” Rarity asked, an eyebrow raised.

“I saved a guy’s life but to do so I had to break in and steal some ingredients from a shop in town here,” I answered with a shrug.

“We’re going to go double check to ensure the owner won't be pressing charges,” Twilight explained further.

“Did you pay the poor stallion?” Rarity asked, looking at me.

“Of course. I may have had to break back in to do it but contrary to what I just said. I didn't actually have to break anything the second time,” I replied.

“I don't think it's going to be an issue, I just thought I’d check it out regardless,” Twilight declared.

“This investigation of yours must be reaching its conclusion soon hmm?” Rarity pressed.

“There ain't too many stories of interest left to tell at this point,” I exclaimed, glancing expectantly at Twilight.

“I’m going to conduct a few more interviews, but it likely won't change the fact that Fareeah here will likely be declared innocent,” Twilight replied. “But that will only be after the trial. I will not have any more of this extrajudicial nonsense. We are doing this properly.”

“Fine by me. I never hurt nobody,” I proclaimed, only to pause and scratch my chin. “Well, not anyone who didn't deserve it anyway.”

“Well, I for one will be looking forward to the day you are declared a free woman,” Rarity added.

“Thank you Rarity. Oh yeah uh… how much do I owe you for this and the robe?” I asked, gesturing down to my new armor.

“No charge,” Rarity dismissed. “The robe was spare cloth, and my contact simply requested an audience with you. Once he recovered from the post-strange mood coma.”

“Sure, sounds good to me,” I replied.

“Well then. Shall we be off to our original destination?” Twilight pressed, gently switching the topic of conversation.

“Lead the way, el capitan,” I proclaimed.

“Thank you again Rarity,” Twilight offered.

“It's no trouble at all darlings. Have a wonderful rest of your day,” Rarity stated, ducking into a small, graceful bow.

I was starting to like her more and more with each passing day. Honestly, every one of Twilight's friends were growing on me. With the exception of Rainbow Dash but then again I’ve always been a hater of Blue Fast.

Brushing that thought aside, I followed Twilight in silence, taking note of how the armor felt and sounded. It was quiet, deathly quiet, with their only being a slight clinking nose whenever I walked. A bit of adjustment to how I walked later and even that small noise was gone, rendering my steps as silent as death itself.

“You are scarily good at that,” Twilight remarked, glancing over at me. “Something as large as you should not be able to move as quietly as you do.”

“You’re just envious because you are about as stealthy as a herd of elephants,” I shot back, standing once more.

“I am so not envious of you,” Twilight retorted.

“You totally are, but don't worry I can teach you to be stealthy. Stealthy enough to do something like oh let's say… Not wake up everyone in the whole damn house whenever you get up in the middle of the night to take a pee,” I proclaimed.

“I uh… that would actually be nice,” Twilight muttered.

“Once this is all said and done I’ll give you a few lessons,” I replied.

Twilight and I walked through the small town of Ponyville once more, with the alicorn taking a slight lead. It wasn't long before we reached the shop I had so rudely stolen from not long ago. Though any mark of my passage was long gone, the scars of my forceful entry remained.

“Hey they replaced the window above the door handle with wood,” I remarked, rapping a knuckle against the freshly painted oak. “It's a good thing they didn't do this earlier or else I may have had to use even more forceful methods of entry.”

“Perhaps they should reinforce the door hinges while they are at it,” Twilight added.

“No point,” I dismissed. “The weak point in a door is always the stopper, or whatever its called. The clicky thing that retracts when you turn the handle.”

“Latch bolt,” Twilight offered.

“You would know that, nerd,” I prodded.

Twilight rolled her eyes.

“Just follow me,” Twilight declared.

“Sure, sure,” I muttered, folding my hands behind me and following the alicorn after she walked into the store.

It was all, as I remembered it being. Small, quaint, and oddly normal given that they sold potions and magical reagents that bore names like ground corpse orchid, and minced earth apple. Those more dangerous objects were stored on three long shelves on the wall behind the counter. Other more mundane things were piled around the small square structure, poured into crates, boxes, or small boxes bearing labels.

Though there were no shoppers present, there was one pony here, a pony who shrunk under my gaze. A small, bright red mare with an orange mane, and eyes the color of rust, she seemed barely old enough to have been in highschool never mind owning a store such as this.

“Oh god, this is it isn't it?” She muttered. “I regret soo much.”

“No need to fret sugar lips, I’m here with royalty, see?” I added, picking Twilight up and giving her a shake.

Twilight zapped with me with what I imagined was a scaled-down lightning bolt spell, allowing her to slip from my grasp and glide to the ground.

“Though it pains me to say this after being handled like some kind of oversized dog,” Twilight began, the blush coloring her cheeks slowly fading. “But yes Fareeah here will not harm you. I assure you.”

“Oh uh… okay,” the mare murmured. “How can I uh… help you two?”

I glanced around the shop, noting all the small changes that had occurred since I had ransacked it a while ago.

“Yes, we were hoping to discuss something with the owner of this establishment,” Twilight stated.

“You must be here because of the break-in,” the mare declared, a grin springing to her face.

“Yes?” Twilight exclaimed in confusion.

“Wait hold on, so you must be Freeee,” the mare declared, clopping a hoof against the counter and pointing at me. “Your penmanship was so atrocious I’m afraid my father had little clue what you were trying to say. All we got was that you were sorry and then there was your signature.”

“What? My handwriting isn't that bad!” I exclaimed. “Bah, you guys must not have cursive here.”

“Oh, we do. Yours is just… oh how did my father put it?” the mare tapped her chin. “Like a drunken doctor in a hurry.”

“Whatever,” I muttered like a bitter teenager, arms crossed over my chest.

“Is he present by chance?” Twilight asked, glancing back the way we came.

“No, no. He went on vacation. He said to give you this if you ever stopped by though,” the mare murmured, ducking below the counter and retrieving a letter which she handed to Twilight.

The alicorn opened it up and began to read aloud.

“To, my mysterious benefactor,” Twilight began, a frown immediately coming to her face. “Thank you for breaking into my little shop and saving me from bankruptcy. Please accept this diamond membership card as my thanks. Just show it to my daughter or whomever is at the shop whenever you stop by and she will give you a ninety percent discount on whatever it is you desire.”

Twilight raised a small slip of metal the size and shape of a credit card.

“Oh neat,” I muttered, grabbing the tiny thing. “Its too bad I’m not much of an alchemist.”

“As you can see I am not present,” Twilight continued. “Being as impoverished as I was, I was not able to take my darling wife for our honeymoon after marriage. I have taken this opportunity to remedy that and make up for lost time. I humbly request that you accept this card and my thanks. Purple Potion.”

“Neat, well thats done with,” I declared.

“He hasn't explicitly stated that he will not be pressing charges. So, no. That is not the end of it,” Twilight retorted.

The young mare behind the counter cleared her throat. “Turn over the letter,” she encouraged.

“P.S. I also explicitly state for any potential officer of the law who may be reading this, that I will not now nor ever press charges related to this incident,” Twilight muttered after turning the page over. “Well I guess that does solve that.”

“Told ya,” I remarked, jabbing Twilight in the side.

“Whatever. Thank you for your time ma’am. That will be all,” Twilight declared.

“No problem. You ladies have a great evening!” She replied.

“Sooo,” I began, stepping outside once more. “That has to be the last charge right? Like, there really isn't anything else you can bring against me… right?”

“Yes and no,” Twilight murmured after a short pause. “I still want to hear more about what you’ve done since you got here. Specifically about the daughters, and this dragon you mentioned.”

“Ahh yes. You’re gonna be a bit disappointed though. So, prepare for that,” I remarked, wrapping my gauntleted fingers around the back of my head.

“How so?” Twilight questioned.

“Because I didn't break any laws or really even do anything wrong,” I replied while smirking impishly.

“Thats actually a bit of a relief. If I’m being honest,” Twilight admitted.

“Huh, well alright then,” I murmured. “So, back to the library then?”

“Back to the library then,” Twilight stated.

Together we started our return trip to the Ponyville library, Twilight once more taking the lead. I fell behind easily, my mind contemplating the possibility that Twilight and I really were really friends. Sure there was a bit of bad blood there, but it was becoming easier and easier to think of her less of an uneasy enemy and more like a slightly nervous ally.

My thoughts were abruptly ended when I spotted a sad, and frightened looking Cadance. The alicorn’s wings drooped, and tears stained her beautiful face. Her pace was quick, and headed towards the train station, fleeing from the direction of Shining Armor’s camp.

“Hey Twi, you seein what I’m seeing?” I asked, pointing in Cadance’s direction.

“I’ll go to her, you stay here,” Twilight ordered, departing before I had a chance to offer a word in edgewise.

“Damn,” I muttered. “I wanted to console the pretty lady.”

Author's Note

A little thanks to you the good people of fimfiction, and a supporter who liked this story.