Well that is the last time I hibernate in meditation for over a thousand years, been having a round of nightmares, weird dreams, and having a psychic connection to Rimuru Tempest, my predecessor apparently, all at the same time and even had... Yeesh, I do not recommend having a dream of an entity of chaos, they seriously can ffffffuck up your day! Also SURPRISE FUCKNUTS, I can curse again! Also don't recommend doing that while casting magic, it turns out that it is also voice activated, apparently it can create some interesting results. Like for example, get fucked by a stick will literally have a victim of the spell get procreated by a piece of wood that carves and polishes itself into a dick, but I digress. The point is I can curse again and I can literally curse with those curses... But of course I might need to hire a scribe, talking to a scroll is not too therapeutic.

In any case, let's start the shit show shall we? It all started when I woke up in the knot hole of a large tree where the new hibernation chamber was made. The lights hits the sheen of my slime body and sage couldn't help but turn himself into a fucking alarm clock and yelling in my ear while playing the US Military Bugle Wake Up Call! GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED, ON THE DOUBLE SOLDIER! IT'S WAKE UP TIME! "AAAAAAAHHH!!" Sent me flying all over the room, bouncing from one surface to another until I came to a halt. "Yyyyyooooou son of a bitch... Wait. Shit... Fuck... Shit fuck... cunt, ass... MOTHER FUCKER! HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! HELLO FUCKERS, I'M BAAAAAACK!" The commotion that was caused by my over joyous celebration, woke Jingo from his sleep with a startle. "MASTER'S IN DANGER- Oh!" He immediately sat at attention to try and recover from his rudeness. "Forgive me master, I was not aware that you were awaking today!" I smiled somewhat before transforming into an Emberwolf and nuzzling him affectionately like a parent would with their kid.

"It's good to see you too Jingo, I missed your company as I meditated, though I did feel your warm presence." We started walking through the castle that has been basically remodeled to resemble the forest that fused with the walls so we didn't have to water or sun the plants... For the last thousand years anyway. "Where's our favorite dryad pony, has Evergreen been able to move in finally?" Jingo looked at me with what looked like a raised eyebrow. "What? Just because they're nonbinary and a forest spirit doesn't mean I don't have a shot." He shook his head before saying, "Your libido knows no bounds master. Yes they did "move in" as you say, but I say it's more that they grew in to be more accurate. They should be in the throne room." And so we visited the throne room, and it was more extravagant in nature than the rest of the castle.

"By the Everfree! My lord Jack, it is good to see that you're awake!" The equestrian wood sprite galloped over before glomping me in a hug. "Oof! I know that I was gone for a long time but I didn't realize that I was missed that much!" I hugged back with my wooden foreleg before they stepped back. "It has been very boring since you went to hibernate, did you have pleasant dreams though?" I shivered as my photographic memory would not allow me to forget those dreadful moments. "Ahem, some but there were a few... that weren't. But that doesn't matter, I just need some more meditation to buff up my spiritual defenses." Even though I've no idea that I was being attacked that way. "So, am I to guess that I didn't wake up too late?"

They guided us to the outside into the sunlight. "The prophesized hero of this modern world have not appeared all together yet, so you're not too late." My magically enhanced eyes laid upon the outside of the castle and I could almost call it paradise by the way every dangerous creature here was getting along, cockatrice, timberwolves, a few shadow demons, and some local sprites. Now if only I had a few of those ponies, trading would seriously be bustling. My thoughts were interrupted as Evergreen spoke again. "There's a village on the outskirts near the forest, they don't know we exist of course but I had a feeling that you wanted to keep this place a secret until the time came." They were right, I need to keep the castle a secret even from the ponies for as long as possible. "Had any trouble from changelings yet?"

Evergreen seemed shocked that I would know about them. "Again you surprise me my lord, very few would know of them and even fewer would know how to survive them. But no, not as of late." I sighed in relief but that didn't mean that I have to let my guard down just because they're not here yet. "I had a vision that there would be an army heading here, after the terror of nightmare moon has come to pass I want to strengthen my defenses." They bowed their head in acknowledgement. "As you say, we'll get on it as soon as possible. If I may inquire, is there something that you plan on doing?"

"I am going for a walk." And que the confused looks on their faces. "It's a reference. I want to check out this... Ponyville, see what it has to offer." Jingo gave an understanding nod. "Ah, you do rather throw these references every once in a while. Do you mind if I escort you to town?" I smiled before answering. "I don't mind at all but you're going to need a new look, best not to scare the locals." He apparently understood the assignment as the new skill I taught him turned himself into the closest thing that resembled a wolf in my opinion, a grey German Shepard and Malamute mix. "Do you think this will do?"

"That's a good look for you bud, now let's see... Aha! I know just the form for the occasion." A painted blue and white Clydesdale unicorn should throw everyone for a loop, that way I can presented as large but not threatening with some magic to boot just incase if anyone wants me to show off some magic... Okay okay, I wanted to show off some magic, happy now!? Anyway, we made our way to the outskirts of the forest, saying hello to one our new neighbors along the way, she was a nice zebra but I might have left her confused because I was the one leaving the forest. Bet that's going to leave her so baffled for the rest of the season. Okay back on the subject at hand, we got out of the forest the familiar sight of color hit my nostalgia button and it felt like I was back in my younger days where I didn't have an aching back... Oh wait I don't have it anymore, thank you slime body!

"Well it seems we made it just in time for some form of celebration, or a type of preparation. Wanna race to the village boy?" Jingo gave two barks before he started running. "Hey hey no fair getting a head start!" I ran after him in our little race, I will admit this large body was not made for speed and that is the only reason he beat me, I will fucking fight anyone that says otherwise- "WATCH OUT BELOW!" I instinctively grabbed Jingo and dove out of the way of a fast landing... Chariot? "Hey watch where you're flying that thing!" I looked to the passengers with a face that screamed they should have their air vehicle license revoked before hearing a familiar voice call out. "Sorry, just recently got this chariot from the princess. Thank you sirs." The two Pegasi snorted proudly as a your welcome.

Twilight Sparkle, I don't want to sound like I'm creepy or anything but the moment I laid my eyes on her, woof and I mean WOOF! She as slender as any libarian unicorn could be and not to mention her form was like an hourglass. Sage ran an appraisal on her stats and yes she is of legal age boys, prime 20s. Her stats though was something else, 503 on magic, 420 on intelligence (nice), wisdom was a bit low at 176 but I have a feeling she'll improve. "I-It's alright, just be careful next time. Say you're from out of town too right?" She gave me a quizzical look. "Yes but I'm not interested in taking a group tour of the town, I have this list that needs checking with some ponies that are in charge of a few things." I gave a little shrug just to say I'm not bothered. "No skin off my back, we can try a little multitasking. My pupper here, Jingo, has a talent to find anypony without needing assistance just a name. I'm-" Gods of alcohol forgive me. "Jack Daniels by the way." She relaxed her guard after being given a name to this face

"Twilight Sparkle, this baby dragon here is my little brother and assistant, spike." "Sup!" I gave a little smirk and responded in kind. "Nutthin much, nice to meet ya." Before giving a bro fist, hey I may be over a thousand years old but I can still be hip with kids, just got to make sure not to swear around him. "Well it has been a pleasure but may we go find the ones in charge of setting up the summer sun celebration?" Spike, the loveable scamp that he is, spoke up to remind her something to not ignore. "The princess also told you to try and make some new friends, the ponies here probably have something interesting to tell us. Just say hello to... That pink pony there."

Right on time, a pony clad of bright pink for the main body fur and dark pink for the cotton candy nest of a mane, Pinkamena Diana Pie, AKA Pinkie Pie. Exasperated, Twilight decided to humor the young dragon. "Uh, hello?" The pink pony stared at all of us before making a noise. "GAAAAAAAAASP!" Before zooming off in a random direction, while making me spin in the process. "WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA!" Took me a good minute to stop spinning and regain my senses. "Did anypony get that number of that speeding pink locomotive?" What in the looney tunes fuck was THAT!? I believe it was an uncommon cartoon channeler, Jack. "Well that was certainly interesting." I have to agree with Twi here, she may be fast but her legs and bod were thick and fiiiihiine! Groow! I'm starting to think that the cartoons were not doing these ponies any justice. Her stats though left my appraisal in s sort of confusion so I cant use that for a while. "Well I guess we can work on the list while we're making friends. First up is Sweet Apple Archers, they're in charge of banquet preparations." Jingo barked in confirmation before he started sniffing the air and leading the way.

On the way I couldn't help but notice that something was bothering Twilight. "Is there something on your mind? You look like you're carrying the world on your shoulders." She looked at me like I somehow read her mind. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you." I raised an eyebrow and gave my retort. "We are in a world of magic and monsters, I think I can manage to believe what you may say." She did consider it a bit but shook her head to dismiss it. "Maybe later, when we're not so busy making sure things go well for the celebration." I gave a shrug and let the subject drop. "You're the boss, by the way I charge 2 bits by the hour." She gave me a look to see if I was serious. "I'm joking, heheheh. You need to learn how to lighten up." How could a pony not know how to take a joke? ... Oh right she spent her childhood as Celestia's number 1 student and didn't make time for friends. By Buddha I swear, Celestia really needs to pay more attention to their student's life rather than just have them handle things all the ti- My thoughts got interrupted by spike.

"We're here, Sweet Apple Acres dead ahead." As spike pointed out, a large farm laid before us, all... well most of it was apples of different variaties, there were some pears on a separate orchard at the back that the others didn't see. But other than that, this farm was nothing like the cartoon, it was far larger and much more colorful than the show presented so that is three times this reality hit me with something mind blowing... Better make that four times as we immediately found Applejack in the middle of harvesting some apples. I'm not one for muscle mamas, but yeeha she pulls it off quite well cuz that meat is CUT to perfection on her fore and hind legs. Guess it goes for show that magic isn't the only thing that can make you look great, hard work and practice gives you excellent rewards. "Yeeehaaa! Making record time for this here orchard."

Twilight sighed to herself as she, being her obvious introverted self, went over to introduce herself. I feel your pain Twi, believe me, I do. "Let's get this over and done with. Ahem, good afternoon, my name is Twilight Sparkle and- Whoa!" I also should mention that AJ has one hell of a hoofshake as she made Twi vibrate like an adult toy. "Well howdy do Miss Twilight, a pleasure making your acquaintance, I'm Applejack. We here at Sweet Apple Acres, sure do like making new friends." Leaving Twilight in a daze, she turned her attention to me and began giving me the same hoofshake treatment. "And might I say what a pleasure it is to meet a tall glass of water like you. What's your name sugar?" Light flirting while introductions, this gal is something else. I manage to politely pry myself out of her grip before introducing myself. "Ahem, names Jack Daniels miss, just visitin for the celebrations and the tour of the place, but I'm always up for makin new friends." Even friends with benefits.

Twilight regained her stable poise and started. "We're actually here on official business for the summer sun celebration and needed some clarification." The orange muscle pony turned her attention back to twilight and still gave her best smile as she wondered what it could be about. 'Sure thang, what can I do you for?"

"Ahem, well are you and everyone that works on the farm in charge of the food assembly?" "We sure are, would you care to sample some?" Twi gave her reply, not knowing what is ahead. "As long as it doesn't take too long." Being as I'm the demon lord with an abys of an empty stomach, I decided to at least help Twilight out of this situation. "Count me in, I may not be an important figure but I never say no to an opportunity to free food." On that note, AJ zoomed to the dinner bell (She is so fucking fast on her hooves) before sounding it off. "Soup's on everypony!" A few seconds later and we get overwhelmed by a stampede of the apple family while banjos played in the background, before finding ourselves seated by a table and to not bore you with details she basically introduced everypony by the plate of what they made. In short, it was allot of apples, a lot more than who they showed on the show, most were females which confirmed that the male population were outnumbered by females.

AJ neared the end of the list to name her closest relatives. "(Inhaaaaale) Big Macontosh, Applebloom aaaaaaand, Granny Smith. She pointed to the elderly pony sleeping on the rocking chair. Good old Granny Smith with large well of wisdom. "Up and atem Granny Smith, we got guests here. The elder apple pony woke up and mumbled her usual tired half words, now if only I could translate them into English proper. "Well it seems she likes the both of ya'll! Why I'd say, you two are already part of the family!"

Twilight was so caught off-guard that she did a spit take with the apple pie she was eating. "PFFFFFFTLAH, ahem! Eheha, Well I can see that the food situation is handled so we'll be on our way." The little filly Applebloom interjected with her puppydog eyes. "Aren't you going to stay for brunch?" Twilight was already starting to regret coming here as she started saying, "Sorry we can't stay but we have a lot to-" GRRRRROOOOOOWWWWWLLLLL! That was the sound of my stomach as the sight of the food reminded it of what it has missed food. "Oop! Hehehe, sorry yall I kinda missed breakfast. Feels like I haven't had food in a thousand years." The apple ponies laughed at the truth turned joke though AJ gave my a look as if she could sense I was telling the truth so I had to act fast. "Come on Twilight, it would be rude not to have at least a bite to eat, besides I know for a fact that you haven't had anything to eat either miss grumpy pants."

She blushed from embarrassment as she knew that it was somehow true. "(Sigh) Fine, just a quick bite." What happened from there was like a fucking pie eating contest except with loads of apple treats, I don't mean to brag but I won by a land slide, mostly because again I'm an abominable empty pit of a slime. The apple ponies were quite impressed that I was able to clean my plates. A shame I can't do an appraisal run on AJ.... Oh well, maybe next time. After we were done, spike spoke up as we left. Food's all taken care of, next is weather. Twilight groaned from a full belly. "Uuuugh, I ate too much pie. How did you even put away all those apple treats? You were like an unstoppable eating machine! I smirked and gave a bull shit reason. "High metabolism, one of my many talents of yours truly, I eat and then I exercise to turn my food into energy. Course I had to balance it out with some fundamentals of magic by exercising my telekinesis too."

She looked at me like I was some sort of nut. "That has to be the most ridiculous reason I have ever heard, is that why you're as large as that Macintosh guy!?" Spike was trying to get our attention again. "Ahem, guys, need a little focus here!" I responded apologetically. "Oops, sorry spike, you may continue." He nodded in thanks. "Hmm, says here that the sky is supposed to be cleared up by a Pegasus named Rainbow Dash." Twi looked up at the sky and saw the opposite. Well she's not doing a very good job, is she? An alarm sounded off with sage warning me. Jack, duck! I jumped out of the way while doing a duck impression for shits and giggles. "QUACK!"

"Quack-? OOF!" Sadly Twi does not have the same kind of alarm bells as she was pile driven into some mud by none other than the hot thin but perky tomboy and obviously Bi rainbow dash. Oops... Heheheh, excuse me heheh. Here let me help you out! She grabbed a dark cloud from somewhere and drenched the poor unicorn in a flash rain, got her clean at least but her fur and mane clung to her. Hehah, oops! Guess I overdid it. I tried to step in before she would do something else to "help" Twi. "Is it alright if I tried something?" Rainbow waved it off. "No no I got this, I know what to do. My very own patented, Rain-blow Dry." I suppose I don't have to tell you how that ended. (Snrk) DAT HAIR DOE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, man we were laughing our asses off when we saw Twi with a bad fro.

Ahem, I'm guessing you're Rainbow Dash? When RD calmed down, she gave a smug look before hovering. Don't ask how with those wings flapping slow. "The one and only. Why, you heard of me?" Twi was about to get annoyed and give a small bit of snark. "Ahem, well it's just that we heard there was supposed to be cleared skies for the big event tomorrow. The name's Jack Daniels, just having a tour around town before the celebration. And this here unicorn-" I waited for Twilight to introduce herself.

"Is Twilight sparkle, Hello. I've been sent by the princess to check on the weather." RD being her usual lazy self decided to crash on the cloud. "Yeah yeah yeah, in a sec. I'm in the middle of practice." She pointed to a poster that had the Wonderbolts image. The Wonderbolts? The most talented fliers of all of Equestria? I looked to Twi and I think I knew what she was getting at. "Pfff please. They would never accept a pony that couldn't keep the skies clear for just one day."

RD sat up feeling like she just got insulted. "Hey, I can clear the sky in 10 seconds flat." I helped goaded RD a bit by being the little shit I usually am. "I hear a lot of yappin and not a lot of flapping." She gave the face of challenge accepted and flew around at an impossible speed while sage started the count. When she was done, she came back down and looked all smug. "What I say? Ten, seconds, flat. I never leave Ponyville hanging. Heheh you should see the look on your faces." Twi was in a look of shock while I still had my shit eating grin as Sage gave me the time. "Ten point five, that last cloud took half a second to finish off." Rainbow looked at me like I just spat in her breakfast and got a bit up in my face. "You looking to start something you can't finish buster?"

I still smiled and responded. "I happen to be doing it, except it will be in a race. You, me, on the flat planes. You do the flying, I do the running. The stakes are this, free food for the winner while the loser pays. Sound good?" She was still up in my face with a stare that refuses to back down. "You're on blue boy! Let's hang out together some time Twilight Sparkle!" She flew with great speed while spike snapped Twi out of her stupor. "Err, huh? What happened?" Spike filled her in that I tricked RD to a lunch date as we headed to the next stop for decoration prep, while at the same time to go fix Twi's mane.

I'm putting a stop here for a bit, because holy shit the ink is almost out. Sage, another reminder to get more ink.

Author's Note

This took too long, had low motivation, and sleepless nights trying to get this self insert just right. Gods I am TIRED!

: Want some coffee suga?

Not. Funny. AJ. I hope the readers appreciate what I do.