No More Hoof Measures

The automatic door at Green Pastures Nursing Home always gave Derpy Hooves trouble. It would seem to forget to open for her, and if she was particularly excited and moving fast, she’d often slam into it. When she was slow and careful, it would open up, but she would hesitate too long, and it would close onto her while she was tip-trotting through, scaring the daylights out of her. Today, Derpy Hooves was carrying a basket of muffins, and she didn’t want to leave anything up to chance regarding the door, so she awkwardly stood outside and waved to the mare at the front desk until she came and stood in the way of the door for her so it wouldn’t close on her.

“Thanks Wishy Washy! Those doors have something wrong with them.” Said Derpy Hooves.

“You’re welcome, but I’m not Wishy Washy. I’m Lullaby. Wishy Washy is only here on weekdays.”

“Aw jeez,” Said Derpy Hooves, “sorry.” Derpy Hooves couldn’t see particularly well. She mostly relied on context to tell whom she was talking to.

“You’re here to visit Silver again?” said Lullaby. Derpy Nodded excitedly. Derpy signed in, and, after almost forgetting her muffins, trotted into the rec room. She was greeted by a lot of smiles.

“It’s Derpy Hooves!” said Happy Trails. Derpy was very popular in the home. Derpy went around the room, making idle chat with the elderly ponies, and distributing muffins until the basket was empty sans for one muffin and an open envelope. When she was done, she went down the hallway to Silver’s room. She entered without knocking.

“Hello Silver.” She said. Silver of course said nothing. She was almost completely paralyzed. She couldn’t speak or walk, but she had very limited control over her right front leg. She was confined to a wheelchair, and communicated via a little bell that she tapped with her leg.

Derpy gently took the handle of Silver’s wheelchair in her mouth and spun it around to face the door. Then she removed the last muffin from the basket and placed it on Silver’s table. Then she carefully took out the open envelope with her mouth. Derpy wasn’t very dexterous, so she hadn’t sealed the envelope. Opening letters was very difficult. It was much easier to just shake the envelope over the table until the photo inside fell out. Then she dragged the photo across the table with her hooves until it was halfway off the table, making sure that it was upside down so that it would be right side up when she picked it up (it was a mistake she had made before). After this embarrassingly long display, Derpy picked up the photo with her mouth and walked over to show it to Silver.

It was a photo of Sunset Shimmer’s dead body.

Derpy Hooves stood in front of Silver for a while, holding the photo directly in front of her face, before dropping it out of her mouth onto the little tray on Silver’s wheelchair.

“I watched your daughter die.” She said. “She died just yesterday. I was there. I watched her die.” Silver closed her eyes and looked away, contorting her face as tears formed in her eyes.

“I watched her overdose, and choke on her own vomit.” Derpy continued, “She looked so scared.”

Derpy continued looking at Silver, but was silent, to let the news sink in.

“She was your only daughter left. And now she’s dead.”

More silence.

“Right now, I’m sure there are many things you’d like to say to me. I’m sure you would like nothing more than to lunge forward right now and strangle me to death. But you can’t.” Derpy Hooves always spoke slowly, but now she spoke even slower, like she was trying to savor the moment, like she was trying to make sure that no venom was wasted.

“Because I put you in that fucking wheelchair.” She said.

Silver Shimmer closed her eyes as tightly as possible, craning her head away to face the wall. She couldn’t look at Derpy Hooves. Tears were streaming down her face, but she couldn’t make any noise.

“Bye bye Silver.” Said Derpy, leaving her with the photo, as well as the muffin on the table, just out of reach.

It was cold as fuck outside. A freezing, biting heat, that seemed to sink its teeth into Twilight’s flank. It was extremely uncomfortable. What’s worse was that she wasn’t wearing a jacket. Trixie had said that her pony didn’t allow clothes. Too easy to hide something with them.

“Did we really have to do this outside?” said Twilight, “It’s the middle of winter.”

“Yes, yes we did.” Said Finger, “You know why? Because that’s the boss’s rules. And when you meet with the boss, you follow her rules.”

“How come you get to wear a jacket and I don’t?” said Twilight.

“Because,” said Finger, “The boss knows me. She doesn’t know you. You don’t hold the cards here. She has agreed to meet with you. She’s agreed to buy from you. But she doesn’t buy from anypony unless they agree to do things her way. She’s the boss, so she calls the shots. You’re the cook, so you cook the meth. You understand?” Twilight nodded.

After waiting in the freezing cold for what felt like forever, the boss finally came. She was a gray pegasus mare with blonde hair and crossed eyes, and she was carrying a large sack. Much to Twilight’s chagrin, she was bundled up in warm winter clothes. Twilight was 99% sure that she was the mailmare, Derpy Hooves, but was smart enough not to say it out loud.

“Show me the product.” She said. Twilight opened up her suitcase and showed the meth. 12 kilograms. Finger had already inspected it and weighed it, so Derpy’s request was really a formality. Derpy removed a box from her sack and gave it to Twilight, who immediately opened it up and counted the money. It was all there. All 300,000 bits. It was a fortune.

“I’ve heard that your product is excellent,” said Derpy Hooves, “and I’m willing to give you a chance. Another 12 kilos, next week.” Twilight looked at the ground awkwardly.

“Well, uh,” Twilight brushed her hoof against the ground sheepishly, “my partner left, so, uh, making a batch of this size is going to take at least two months.”

“Six kilos a month?” said Derpy Hooves.

“Yeah, at the most.”

“Forget it.” Said Derpy Hooves.

“WHAT?” said Twilight.

“I said forget it. No deal.” Twilight tried to protest but Finger walked in front of her and shook his head as Derpy Hooves walked away.

“I told you,” said Trixie, “she’s a tightass. She’s extremely careful, extremely detail-oriented, and if you can’t do things her way she won’t play ball with you. Believe me, you’re lucky you even got to meet the pony. I don’t even know what she looks like. She’s secretive as all get-out.”

“I have no product, no partner, and the biggest distributor in Equestria turned me down. It’s over. I have nowhere to go from here.” Said Twilight, forlornly draped across the couch in Trixie’s office like a Roman eating dinner.

“Nowhere to go? You made 300,000 bits! Most ponies only dream of that kind of green!”

“It’s only 255,000 after your cut.”

“It would have been 127,500 if Dash were still here. And what the hell are you complaining about anyway? 250,000 bits is more than a decade’s rent. You got lucky, you sold your product to a big wig, you hit the jackpot. I don’t usually recommend this, but if you want my advice? Take a page out of your partner’s book. Go home. Quit while you’re ahead. You wanted to pay for your treatment? You got what you wanted.”

Twilight Sparkle had gotten what she’d wanted. But she didn’t feel satisfied. In fact, she felt more incomplete than ever.

Knock knock.

“Hello?”

“It’s me.”

“Oh,” said Rainbow Dash, “it’s you…” Rainbow Dash let Twilight into her apartment, but glared at the paper bag she held in her hand.

“It’s good to see you again.” Said Rainbow Dash, warily. “You weren’t at Applejack’s party yesterday.”

“We have too many damn parties.” Said Twilight.

“Well, can I get you something to eat or drink?”

“Tea, please.”

“I don’t have tea.”

“Then coffee.”

An intense silence hung in the air as Rainbow Dash prepared two cups of coffee. The atmosphere was tense. The machine hesitated agonizingly long, slowly dripping the coffee into each cup. When it was mercifully over, Rainbow Dash put the cups on the coffee table (Twilight immediately lifted them back up and put a coaster under each one) and sat down on the chair next to Twilight, who had already taken a seat on Rainbow Dash’s couch. As Rainbow Dash took a sip, Twilight put her paper bag on the table.

“What is this?” said Rainbow Dash.

“Open it.” Rainbow Dash opened it slowly, peered inside, and then closed it back up again. She didn’t say anything.

“It’s your share.”

“…”

“127,500 bits.”

Rainbow Dash pushed the bag towards Twilight.

“I don’t want it.”

“Excuse me?”

“I don’t want it.”

“You’re turning down over 100,000 bits?”

“I am not turning down the money,” Rainbow Dash’s tone and posture became more aggressive, “I am turning down you. I want nothing to do with you anymore. Don’t fucking pretend you’re giving me this out of the goodness of your heart. You want me to come back. You want me too cook meth for you. You don’t give a shit about me anymore. You just want me for your… fucked up druglord power fantasy. You blackmailed me into this shit. You dragged me along, and I watched as somepony got his brain exploded by his own dick. I bit somepony’s ear off for you. You come over here- come over to my apartment, just to try and- to try and bribe me! You can take your money and shove it up your ugly ass Twilight. Fuck you.”

Neither of them drank any of their coffee. Twilight stood up before her speech was even over, and when it concluded she walked out the door, but not before she turned to say:

“I do care about you Rainbow Dash. You’re my friend.”

Rainbow Dash threw the bag of money at her in anger, but it missed and landed in the hallway instead, spilling money out onto the floor. Twilight walked over it and out of the cloudominium. Rainbow Dash almost punched the wall, but thought better of it. Once Twilight was gone she stared out the peephole of her apartment window at the cash, and after much hesitation, opened the door, looked around, and picked it up.

Twilight Sparkle spent the rest of the week cooped up in her library, anxiously waiting for a knock on the door. Rainbow Dash would come around. She had to. Twilight skimmed absentmindedly through her books, constantly stopping to get up and pace around. The Treehouse felt darker than usual. Maybe it needed new lights. That sounded like a project to take her mind off things. But maybe later. Pacing around anxiously didn’t feel very good, but she didn’t want to do anything else.

There was in fact eventually a knock on the door, and Twilight teleported in front of it instantly and opened it with alacrity.

“Package for Twilight Sparkle.” Twilight’s mouth hung open so wide a passenger plane could have docked inside it. It was Derpy Hooves.

“Sign here, please.” Twilight wordlessly signed the form, not caring even in the slightest what was in the package.

“I have an offer that I think you may be interested in.” said Derpy, not dropping her customer service voice. “3 million bits; for three months of your time.”

Derpy Hooves and Twilight walked through Ponyville for a very long time. Derpy Hooves did not lower her voice or change her tone as she spoke with Twilight.

“Your product has exceeded our expectations. You should be very proud.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” Said Twilight.

“Please.” Said Derpy, “Call me Derpy. I know it’s an awkward name, but it’s mine, and it’s made me who I am.”

“Of course.”

“I was so impressed by the… quality of your work, that I knew I had made a mistake dismissing you last week. I am sorry about that. It’s just that you cannot be too careful in this business, and I wasn’t sure if you were worth taking a risk on. But now I am sure. I want to work with you.”

“So you’re saying you won’t need 12 kilograms a week?” said Twilight. Derpy smiled.

“I’m saying that if we work together, you can make a great deal more than 12 kilograms a week. You say you don’t have a partner. You don’t have the resources to work. I can give all of that to you and more. I just need you to cook.”

The two of them arrived at a nondescript building, perhaps some kind of factory. Smokestacks lined the top, emitting steam which quickly disappeared from sight into the foggy winter air. Through the windows, Twilight could see piles of laundry, workers moving around pallets, and some big machines in the back. The sign at the front said it was the Ponyville Premium Laundromat. If Derpy Hooves hadn’t stopped in front of it, Twilight would never have given it the slightest attention, even if she had walked by it every day of her life.

“Come with me.” Said Derpy Hooves. Twilight followed her in. Twilight thought the place might be some secret crack house or gang headquarters, but it really was just a laundromat. Workers, mostly earth ponies, paid the two no mind as Derpy lead her to the row of immense washing machines in the back. Each one was pony sized. Presumably, they were for large orders. Derpy walked to the first machine at the far-left end of the wall, and counted up in an almost inaudible whisper as she moved right, from machine to machine. Then, she went back to the end and did it again, stopping at the same one as last time, the sixth from the left. Once she was certain she hadn’t messed up the count, she lifted her forelegs and put her full weight down on a lever next to the machine. The washing machine raised up off the ground like the door of a DeLorean. Twilight looked around, but the employees didn’t seem to care. They were trained not to.

The opening led to an elevator. The washing machine closed in front of them as they descended. When they reached the bottom, the door opened onto a very short concrete hallway with a red door. Derpy Hooves fumbled with the keys for a moment, and when she was finished unlocking the door (which was an ordeal in and of itself), she gave the keys to Twilight.

“I have another pair. These are for you.” Twilight Sparkle couldn’t believe what she saw when she passed through the door.

They were standing on a red scaffolding walkway, which descended into a staircase. Below her, Twilight saw a stunning, state-of-the-art laboratory.

“Oh my Celestia…” Twilight said breathlessly. She rushed down to the lab to examine the equipment, zooming around like a little yearling on Hearth’s Warming morning. There were barrels of chemicals everywhere. Liquid rainbow, aluminum, hydrogen fluoride, phenylacetone. It was all there. And the equipment. Oh stars. It was immaculate. Clean and pristine polished metal, mixing machines bigger than her. There was even a forklift for transporting the heavier materials. The lab was gorgeous, well-lit, and large, but with ample open space.

“I’ve owned this laundromat for years. It gets weekly chemical shipments. Nothing suspicious about it. This lab has its own generator, its own emergency phone line, and its filtration system is a magico-technological marvel. The chemical gases produced from the cook filter through the system and are released as odorless steam, just like a laundromat produces, and from the very same smokestacks.”

“This is incredible!” said Twilight. “This equipment is top of the line! How did you even put this together?”

“I had excellent help. And so will you. I’m the best in this business because I’m a professional. I don’t cut corners.”

Twilight oohed and ahed at the spotless lab.

“I need 150 kilograms a week to make a profit off this. With your talent, and my equipment, I trust that you can make it happen. Obviously you can come and go as you please, choose your own hours, as long as the quota is met.”

“Yes, yes, yes. Absolutely!” said Twilight, who was resisting the urge to run in place and wag her tail, “But, what about my partner? My partner quit, and I don’t think she’s coming back.”

“I’ll take care of it.” Said Derpy Hooves. “Come back here tomorrow after breakfast and you’ll meet your new partner.” Twilight nodded.

“Yes, definitely. Absolutely! I won’t let you down ma’a- uh, Derpy!”

Derpy left Twilight to continue fawning over the lab. Presumably, somepony like that had a million things to do today.

Even after the fifth knock-knock (which made it the tenth knock overall), Fluttershy and Applejack still received no audible reply. If she had been alone, Fluttershy would have certainly just gone home, but Applejack simply opened the door. She knew it wasn’t locked, and she had a permanent invite, as one of Rainbow Dash’s friends. Fluttershy had one too, but permanent invites didn’t work on her. She couldn’t stand to just show up to some place. Even if she’d been invited to have dinner.

Just as Applejack had figured, Rainbow Dash was home. She was sound asleep on the couch. Fast food bags and marijuana paraphernalia cluttered the table. A bong lay on the ground in front of the couch, spilling a puddle of stagnant water that seeped into the linoleum. She stank to high heaven.

“Oh, Rainbow Dash…” said Fluttershy. Applejack raised her hoof to not-so-gently shake the little stoner awake, but Fluttershy stopped her.

“Come on, Applejack. Don’t do it.”

“Don’t do what exactly?”

“You’re going to yell at her again. I know you are.”

“So what if I am?” said Applejack, “It’s 5:00 pm on a weekday and she’s unconscious on the couch. She’s been smokin’ again. And she knows damn well how I feel about that. We were supposed to be havin’ dinner today, just the three of us. And she plum forgot all about it all ‘cause she was too busy… tokin’ up on a joint! She knows better than this, and I intend to inform her o’ that!”

“Well, um,” said Fluttershy, desperately searching for an excuse not to be part of a confrontation, “instead of doing that, why don’t we um… clean the place up a bit?”

“What?”

“I mean, this place is so dirty, and um, I’m sure it would be a lot less stressful for Dash to wake up to a clean room and um, we would be helping her out by throwing away all this weed, and all this junk food. It’s better to do it ourselves than expect her to do it, right? If we toss out her weed, she can’t smoke anymore. Isn’t that a much more efficient, and um, quiet way of solving the problem than, you know… yelling at her to stop?”

“Well, I reckon that sounds like a good idea…” Applejack would have strongly preferred to throw Rainbow Dash onto her own bongwater-soaked floor and given her the what-for, but she couldn’t say no to Fluttershy when she was doing that…. Fluttershy thing. In any case, waking up with all your dope confiscated was still a pretty nasty surprise.

Rainbow Dash woke up with a very dry mouth and chapped lips. As she blinked her tired eyes open and the world came into focus, the vague silhouette in front of her transformed into Fluttershy’s face, inches from her own. Rainbow Dash screamed in alarm and jumped back, causing Fluttershy to jump back a little as well.

“Morning…” Rainbow Dash blurted out, her brain soon after reminding herself that it was in fact the afternoon.

“Hi Rainbow Dash. It’s us.” Said Fluttershy. Rainbow Dash could now see that Applejack was standing in the corner, glaring unhappily at her, but saying nothing.

“Sorry, did I like, fall asleep?” said Rainbow Dash, rubbing her head, “was that dinner thing today? Sorry about that…”

“Rainbow Dash, this isn’t easy to say,” said Fluttershy, “but, you’ve been smoking again! And we’re very disappointed in you!”

“Oh, shit guys. I’m sorry.” Rainbow Dash desperately wanted a glass of water. She looked at the coffee table. It was empty. Fluttershy continued talking about self-care and responsibility and health, but Rainbow Dash didn’t pay attention. Gears were turning slowly but surely inside of her head. Then it hit her.

“Wait…” she said, interrupting Fluttershy, “Where’s… Where’s like… all my shit on my table… all the shit on my table… Where did it go?”

“We threw it out.” Said Fluttershy, a little proudly.

“WHAT?” said Rainbow Dash, desperately looking around the room. She was right. The whole place had been cleaned. Rainbow Dash jumped off of the couch and started running around the room.

“Where is it where is it WHERE IS IT?” she said. Seeing this, Applejack’s disappointed look became one of gleeful schadenfreude.

“We tossed out all your weed, Rainbow Dash. Your bong too.” Said Fluttershy, “we cleaned up all your junk as well.”

“Not the weed,” said Rainbow Dash, digging through the trash, “my bag! My paper bag!”

Applejack cocked an eyebrow.

“We… threw away all your fast-food bags if that’s what you’re talking about. They were like… a week old.” Said Fluttershy, who looked more confused than anything.

“Yeah, but um, where did you throw them away?” said Rainbow Dash.

“Rainbow Dash…” Fluttershy looked like a middle school teacher the day after the class abused the substitute.

“No, I mean like. One of my fast-food bags… it was like, uhhhh, I hadn’t eaten it yet. And it was like, this new, grilled cheese sandwich that was supposed to be really good, and like, it was a promotion that was just ending, so like. It was in an unmarked white bag. So if you could like, uh-“

“You’re diggin’ through the trash for a grilled cheese sandwich?” said Applejack, whose anger had exceeded her willpower to follow through with her promise to let Fluttershy do the talking. “Yeah, I fuckin’ bet. I bet it was the fattest grilled cheese sandwich anypony ever smoked. Get a grip you wastoid. Do you even see yourself? You need help, Rainbow Dash. And furthermore…” Rainbow Dash didn’t listen to the rest of Applejack’s rant. She just looked her in the eye and nodded. The fucking money. 127,500 bits was in some dumpster somewhere, buried under cupcake wrappers and used diapers. And she still hadn’t gotten a glass of water.

Derpy had told her to come back after breakfast, but Twilight didn’t eat breakfast. She never had. Ever since she was a filly she had skipped it. She didn’t know if it was unhealthy or not, but she never felt hungry in the morning. Nevertheless, she didn’t want to arrive too early or too late, so she had woken up early, prepared a sack lunch (cucumber sandwiches), and waited outside a café for several hours until she saw a sizeable number of ponies finishing their breakfasts, at which point, she reasoned, that must be a normal time for somepony to finish breakfast, and therefore a normal time to head to the laundromat.

Derpy wasn’t at the laundromat, but nopony gave her the time of day as she went through the not-so-secret passage. The lever didn’t give her nearly as much trouble as it had given Derpy, since Twilight had the benefit of telekinesis. When she entered the lab, she was greeted by a cheerful canadian sounding voice.

“Hi there!”

“Good morning.” Said Twilight, walking down the stairs to get a better look at the pony. She was an earth pony, mint green, with pink hair. Her cutie mark was three peppermints, and she was wearing socks.

“You’re Mrs. Hawk Lips, I presume?”

“Just call me Glitter,” said Twilight, before changing her mind. “Actually, call me Twilight.”

“You betcha. I’m Minty. Nice to meet you.” Minty waited for Twilight to set down her sack lunch on a workbench before going in for a hug.

“Hi Minty. You’re my new lab assistant?”

“Yep! I’m sure you’ll want to hear my qualifications.” Twilight hadn’t even thought about qualifications. Rainbow Dash’s qualifications were that she did what Twilight told her.

“I studied at the University of Canterlot, and got a PD (pony doctorate) in applied organic chemistry. I’ve been cooking meth for Mrs. Hooves for years. Here’s my resumé.”

Twilight was legitimately impressed by Minty’s resumé. It was above and beyond what she would expect of a meth cook. In fact, Minty didn’t seem like a meth cook at all.

“Whatcha got there for lunch? Anything good?” said Minty.

“Cucumber sandwiches.” Said Twilight.

“OH MY CELESTIA!” said Minty, with far too much enthusiasm for an adult mare to display, “I love cucumber! I like it on pizza! Have you ever tried it on pizza?”

“No, I can’t say that I have.” Said Twilight. “I must ask. How did you end up in this business? You don’t seem like the meth cook type.”

“I get that a lot.” Said Minty. “But the truth is I’m in it for the love of chemistry. I don’t believe in keeping people from what they want, you know? And a lot of people want meth. If they want it bad enough they’re gonna get it, and if they’re gonna get it, then it’s better they get it from professionals than from some creepy street gang. And Mrs. Hooves is a great boss. Oh, she said not to call her Mrs. Hooves, but I can’t shake the habit, even after all this time. Look at this!” Minty dashed to the other desk where she had placed her own lunch. It wasn’t in a sack, it was in a stainless steel Daring-Do lunchbox for fillies, but she dumped out its contents to reveal that she had brought cucumber sandwiches too.

“Oh, darn,” said Minty, “I forgot to bring a drink again.” It was not mysterious at all to Twilight why Minty and Derpy Hooves got along so well.

Minty proved to be more than capable in the lab. Minty took detailed notes as Twilight explained to her every step of her meth-cooking process.

“This is the most careful step of the whole process,” Twilight explained in her explaining voice, “When you mix the MNF into the solution, you have to do it very slowly, or else it might overheat. But if you do it too slowly, those little flakes will form. For this reason, I like to titrate it at a fixed rate. For a vessel this big, I think 150 milliliters a second will be ideal.” Minty nodded and wrote that down.

“What do you mean, MNF?” said Minty. Twilight gave her a condescending glance, while still making sure the titration was consistent.

“MNF?” said Twilight, sighing. “N-Methylformamide? You know what that is, don’t you?”

“That’s NMF.” Said Minty. Twilight paused. N, Methyl, formamide. Shit. She was right.

“Well, you know,” said Twilight, “that’s what I said. What did you hear?”

“You said MNF, I mean. I think.” Twilight turned to face Minty.

“Well, I didn’t say that. Why would I say that anyway? Everypony knows it’s NMF. I’m not an idiot Minty. Think before you speak.” She turned back to the mixing vessel.

“Oh, sorry…” said Minty.

Twilight and Minty’s first batch was 30 kilograms, and by the time they were done, it was past when Twilight normally ate dinner. The next day, Twilight spent less time explaining, and Minty simply followed her notes, and their batch was 50 kilograms, as was their batch the next day. 50 was the biggest round number they could make in one batch, so they figured it would be most effective to make 50 kilograms a day for three days a week to meet the quota. Of course, thanks to the slower going on the first day, they went back to the lab for a fourth day in a row to make it up with another 21 kilograms. The quota had been met, the product was high-quality and high-purity, and they were ahead of schedule. Derpy Hooves was quite elated when she and Finger Flyer came to collect the week’s batch that Saturday.

“151.32 kilograms.” Said Finger Flyer, measuring the final box of pink meth.

“No problems, I presume?” said Derpy Hooves, “If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to ask me. My door is always open.”

“Actually,” said Twilight, “I’d like to speak with you in private.”

“Of course,” said Derpy, “Minty, you can go home.” Once Finger and Minty had left, Twilight continued.

“It’s Minty. I can’t work with her.”

“I’m surprised to hear that,” said Derpy Hooves, “Minty has been a reliable chemist for as long as she’s in my employ, and you seem to have done some great work with her.”

“Yeah, I know that. She’s a great chemist. Almost as great as me, maybe. It’s just… I had a… kind of… rapport, with my old partner, that I just don’t feel with Minty.”

“You’re saying you felt more comfortable working with Rainbow Dash?” said Derpy.

“I’m say-… hey wait. When did I tell you my old partner was Rainbow Dash?”

“The same time you told me where you lived, or that you had cancer.”

Twilight shuffled uncomfortably.

“I don’t hire anypony unless I’ve had them vetted thoroughly. I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable to hear it, but I didn’t make an exception for you, Twilight. As for Minty,” Derpy continued, “if it’s what you want, I can have her replaced.”

“How?” said Twilight, “and with whom?”

“I have a good eye for picking out talent,” said Derpy, “I’ll find somepony who will perhaps mesh better with your… personality.”

Why do dumpsters smell the way they do? Obviously it was no surprise that dumpsters smelled bad, reasoned Rainbow Dash, since a good half of all trash was stuff that had rotted or become old or undergone other processes that typically resulted in a foul odor, but why did dumpsters smell like dumpsters, and not just like used diapers, or rotten eggs, or stale cupcakes? Dumpsters had a distinct dumpster smell. Rainbow Dash made a mental note to ask Twilight about it, then quickly deleted that mental note after remembering recent events. Digging through dumpsters sucked. This was her third dumpster of the day, and she was on the brink of losing the very small amount of hope she had. She had propped open the lid with a wooden board to make the smell less noisome while she rooted around in search of her money. In the last dumpster, Rainbow Dash had cut her hoof on some broken glass, which she had erroneously perceived to be the shattered remains of her bong. She had wrapped up her hoof in gauze, but as she shoveled through rotting fruit and wet cardboard she could feel the poisonous, maggot-infested dumpster juice seeping into her wounds. This could not get any worse.

“Hello.” said somepony. Rainbow Dash leapt out of the dumpster in fright, hitting her head against her own wooden board, knocking it over and causing her to tumble into the dumpster right as the lid closed on her. The pony opened up the lid and peered down at her, wet, shifty-eyed, and covered in garbage.

“May I speak with you for a moment?” It was Derpy Hooves. Rainbow Dash supposed there were much worse people to have seen her like this.

“Uh, well…” said Rainbow Dash. She didn’t think she could get away with saying she was busy with important work, even if Derpy Hooves never struck her as the shiniest horseshoe in the shed.

“Let me help you out of there.” Said Derpy Hooves, pulling her up and out onto the ground. She seemed to have a more relaxed, matter-of-fact air to her than she usually did. Maybe she was being polite given the awkward circumstances. Celestia knows that she had gotten caught in quite a few awkward circumstances of her own.

“I’m sorry if I’m catching you at a bad time, but I have something I wish to discuss with you.”

“Nah it’s fine, go ahead.” Said Rainbow Dash, shaking a banana peel out of her mane.

“I want you to come work for me.” Rainbow Dash was dumbfounded.

“You want me to deliver mail?”

“I want you to cook meth.” Rainbow Dash audibly gasped, and a small piece of rotten apple core fell out of her mane and into her gaping mouth, causing her to gag loudly and spit it out. Derpy Hooves didn’t wait for her to finish coughing before continuing.

“I want you and Twilight to work together again. And I’m willing to pay you 3 million bits, the same wage as Twilight, if you come and work as her partner in my lab for 3 months.”

Rainbow Dash would have gasped again, but she had become wary of the action.

“Is this satisfactory to you?”

Rainbow Dash stared (with her mouth closed) for a long time, while her brain processed exactly what was happening.

“Derpy,” she finally said, “are you saying you’re a drug lord?”

“Think of me as more of a drug ceo,” said Derpy, the absurdity of the statement highlighted by her slight rhotacism, “I take my work very seriously. I deal in bulk. I ship out-of-town. I only employ the best ponies, I only sell the highest-quality product, and I always make safety my number-one priority.” Rainbow Dash looked to the side at nothing in particular, clearly deep in thought.

“I’m… not so sure…” Rainbow Dash thought of the last drug kingpin she worked for. As if reading her mind, Derpy said:

“I understand why you might be hesitant to work for another high-level distributor. Believe me, this won’t be anything like Sunset Shimmer. I was there, remember? I saw her decapitate that poor socialite. I didn’t like what I saw anymore than you did. Sunset was a deranged drug-addicted murderous freak. That’s not how I do things. If you work with Twilight in my lab, all you’ll have to do is show up, cook with your friend, and leave. No turf wars, no addicts lashing out, no police. Just safe, clean, and efficient.”

Derpy’s words had filled Rainbow Dash’s heads with thoughts of money. 3 million bits meant a new house, new clothes, fine food every night. Then her thoughts veered to more debauched subject matter. How much weed, coke, and ecstasy could she buy with that kind of dough? How many visits to the strip club? It was a golden ticket to an easy life, of being number one. But she couldn’t go back to cooking meth, right? She had promised to herself she wouldn’t go work with Twilight again. She had been so angry.

“Of course, if you’d rather keep rooting around in the dumpster to make a living, I can’t force you. I don’t consider intimidation to be an effective tactic for acquiring talent. But I strongly advise you to take my offer. You will never receive another like it. And I know for certain that it would make your friend Twilight very happy. She’s very lonely without you. She feels terrible about your falling out.” With that, Derpy Hooves left her alone with nothing but her memories and the smell of fetid garbage.

Their falling out. What had it even been over again? Rainbow Dash had experienced a moment of clarity back then. All those dead bodies she had to bury, that poor bodyguard she saw murdered right in front of her, those nights she spent with Rarity in the hospital, wondering whether she was going to come out of it alive, the taste of blood in her mouth when she bit off that stallion’s ear. It was all Twilight’s fault... Right? None of that would have happened if she hadn’t blackmailed her into cooking meth. But none of that was really Twilight’s fault. Twilight didn’t have any choice but to kill Krazy-7 and Krazy-8, they tried to kill her first. They had knocked her out with a boiling flask. Rainbow Dash had invited them, and Twilight had saved her from them. It was her fault that it happened in the first place. It was a horrible tragedy that Rarity had gotten sick, but Twilight never intended for it to happen. It was Sunset Shimmer’s fault. Everything that Sunset had done was her own fault, Twilight couldn’t be blamed for it any more than Rainbow Dash could. As for the ear, that was just a mistake. Twilight hadn’t even been there. Her moment of clarity couldn’t last. She could no longer remember why she had felt so angry at Twilight. Instead, she felt horribly guilty, that she had tried to cut Twilight off and abandon her over her own stupid mistakes. Why had she treated her old friend so badly? If she had acted rashly recently, it was only because of her cancer. She was at the lowest point in her life, and Rainbow Dash had betrayed her.

Rainbow Dash couldn’t wait another second to mull it over. She couldn’t let the opportunity pass her by. She ran out of the alley to find where Derpy Hooves had gone, only to find that she was standing just a few meters away from the alley’s entrance.

“I’m ready to start tomorrow.”