No More Hoof Measures

“And how easy would it be to aim?” asked Twilight.

“Depends how close y’are.” He said, “Seein’ as you’re a unicorn, should be easy as pie if it’s close range. Just push the barrel into their head and squeeze the trigger. Not hard with telekinesis. Long range’d be tricky. If you ain’t got experience I recommend skippin’ the revolver and getting’ somethin’ more spray-and-pray.” The arms dealer rifled through his suitcase.

“A close-range weapon is fine. In fact it’s ideal. I won’t need to use it from a distance. I like the size of this one too, it’s concealable.” Twilight put the revolver into her coat pocket, making sure that it fit. It did, just barely. Then she took it out again and continued to examine it. She had to squint. The hotel room didn’t have good lighting, and it was late at night. Twilight wished, not for the last time, that Trixie could give her a contact that did business during the day.

“Well, you can’t guarantee the circumstances under which you might end up in a gunfight.” Said the arms dealer, “but it’ll be less of a problem if… Well. Allow me to be frank. I don’t judge my clients, and I don’t like to pry about what they use my products for. But I gotta ask, just to make sure you’re getting’ the best product for your needs. Are you wantin’ this gun purely for self-defense?”

“Of course!” said Twilight, before rethinking, “well, I mean. In the grand scheme of things, yes.”

“But in the less grand scheme of things?”

“…No.” said Twilight.

“Well,” he said, “better sneak up on the poor fella then.”

Minty trotted merrily into work, as usual, greeting all the laundromat employees as she went by. Nopony responded, but that’s because it was protocol. Minty was 100% certain that they returned the favor in their internal monologues. Traveling down the elevator, Minty opened up her lunchbox for the third time that morning to make absolutely sure that she hadn’t forgotten her gift. It was still there. Right on top of her lunch, where she had left it. That was a relief.

Twilight was where she had been every morning for the past three weeks, standing in front of the door that led into the lab. Mrs. Hooves had changed the locks, and only she, Minty, and some unicorn stallion named Veritas had a key. Minty thought it was a little unfair, since Twilight was the cook and she was merely the assistant, but it did mean that she always got to talk with Twilight a little bit before the cook began. Twilight was very business-oriented, but Minty enjoyed bouts of pleasant conversation.

“Good morning!” said Minty. Twilight didn’t reply. She must not have been a morning pony, Minty figured, because she never seemed very upbeat. Ever morning since Minty had been rehired she seemed like she was always on edge, shifty, and anxious. She probably wasn’t getting enough sleep. The lack of breakfast couldn’t help either.

“I know you’re probably itching to get started, but before I open the door, there’s something I want to show you.” Said Minty, opening her lunchbox, “I got you a gift!” Minty took out two pairs of purple socks (ponies wouldn’t say “two pairs”, they would say a quartet of socks, because four is the most normal quantity of socks to a quadruped). Minty realized that they were soaked in oil and cucumber juice.

“Uh oh.” Said minty, “Maybe I shouldn’t have put them on top of my pizza. They’re kinda soggy. Quite a lot of pizza… liquid got into them. But no probs! It should come right out in the wash! You don’t have to put them on now.” Minty handed the socks to Twilight, who picked them up with telekinesis, too revolted to touch the wet, foul-smelling footwear.

“I made them myself!” Minty beamed proudly, “to celebrate us working together again. I promise that whatever it was that made it not work out for us last time, I’ll do better. And this is my promise in gift form! I made them dark purple because it matched your coat!”

“Thanks Minty.” Said Twilight, hovering them in the air nearly half a meter away. Minty began to pick out the little woolen threads that were stuck on the top of her cold pizza slices using her teeth, when Twilight cleared her throat to get her attention.

“The door?” she said.

“Oh, right!” said Minty, unlocking the door and opening it, holding it open to let Twilight go in first before following behind her.

“I see our new friend is still here.” Said Minty, looking at the wall-mounted security camera.

“I don’t think it’ll be going away any time soon.” Said Twilight.

“Can you do the thing?” said Minty. Twilight didn’t even sigh.

“Come oooooon.” Said Minty.

“Fine.” Said Twilight. Twilight walked back and forth across the metal catwalk, first slowly, then quickly. Minty watched the security camera as it whirred left and right, following Twilight Sparkle wherever she went. Minty laughed. It never got old.

“You know why it only follows you?” asked Minty.

“I can’t imagine.” Said Twilight.

“Well, I was thinking about it last night,” said Minty, “and I think I have an idea.”

“Oh yeah?” said Twilight.

“Yeah,” Minty put on her explaining face, “you see, older ponies on average have a higher body temperature than younger ponies right?” Twilight nodded, even though she didn’t know that. “Yeah, well I’m thinking, the camera operates by heat. It tracks the hottest thing in the room. You’re almost a decade older than me, so whenever we’re both in the room it only follows you!”

“I’m not that old.” Snapped Twilight.

“Oh no I didn’t mean it like that!” Minty said apologetically, “I just mean you’re older than me. So like, you’re hotter. Well, not hotter, but um, you know what I mean.”

“Why don’t we get started?” said Twilight.

“Of course.” Said Minty, “But first!” Twilight shot her a look, “no wait! I really need to know! One more thing to ask, before we start cooking.”

“Shoot.”

“Where’s your lunch?” That caught Twilight off guard. First she looked around, then she tried to probe her memory. Son of a bitch. She cringed and shoved her hoof into her face.

“I forgot it.” She said. She let out a sigh so long and pained that she had to take a breath in the middle so as not to cut it short prematurely. “I did not get enough sleep last night.”

“What were you doing last night? Something fuuuun?” Minty probed.

“Shopping.”

“For what?”

“Minty,” said Twilight, completely ignoring the question, “let’s cook.”

Trixie was relaxing in her office with a long island iced tea.

“Mrs. Trixie?” Snips said, holding the door open just a crack and speaking through the crack, “Finger Flyer is here to see you.”

“Tell him I’m busy.” Said Trixie, squeezing some of her lemon slice into her drink. The door swung open all the way as Finger Flyer yanked Snips backwards and strolled into the office.

“Woah woah woah can’t you see the great and powerful Trixie is busy?” Trixie said indignantly, wiping down the lemon juice she had inadvertently spilled on her desk.

“I’m looking to find a client of yours and was hoping you could help me out with an address.” Said Finger.

“Which client?” said Trixie.

“Rainbow Dash.”

“Rainbow Dash’s address? I’m sure it’s on her neocities.” Trixie said, maintaining her calm as she took another drink.

“Don’t play this game with me Trixie,” Finger didn’t raise his voice, but he spoke in a commanding tone, “Rainbow Dash’s current whereabouts. Where is she right now?”

“Where is she right now? You think I keep a GPS on my clients? I’m her lawyer not her babysitter. I can take my eyes off her and trust her not to drink any of the chemicals under the sink. Most of the time anyway.” Trixie smirked and leaned in to take another sip, but Finger knocked the glass out of her hand and it smashed into the wall, shattering, and soaking the linoleum and cheap wallpaper in alcohol.

“Hey listen here-“ Trixie began before Finger cut her off.

“Trixie,” Finger interrupted her, and she didn’t dare continue, “When I say I’m looking for Rainbow Dash, you know why. I know you know why. So don’t put on this know-nothing act with me, and don’t waste my fuckin’ time.” Finger got his face real close to Trixie’s. “Don’t make me beat you ‘til your legs don’t work.”

That shut her up.

“Now,” he concluded, “I ask you again. Where is Rainbow Dash?” Trixie hesitated a long time.

“Finger… I… I can’t tell you. Listen, my clients have attorney-client confidentiality. If I didn’t follow that code of conduct, I could give you up just as easily as you’re expecting me to give up Rainbow Dash. It doesn’t work like that. I can’t give up personal information about my clients, I’m sorry.” Finger nodded understandably. Then he threw an office chair at her.

“SHE’S IN APPLELOOSA!” Trixie screamed, dodging the flying desk chair and falling down to the ground in a fetal position. “I BROUGHT HER OVER THERE IN A TURNIP WAGON I BORROWED FROM ONE OF MY CLIENTS! I DROPPED HER OFF AT BROWN SUGAR MEMORIAL HOSPITAL! I don’t know where she went from there or what name she’s going by, but she’s got her money with her!” Trixie panted. Her fear morphed into shame.

“Your cooperation has been greatly appreciated.” Finger said, leaving the room. Trixie called out to him.

“You’re a real piece of shit you know that? See if I fuckin’ hire you again!” Finger didn’t give a shit.

“Are you alright, Mrs. Trixie?” Snips came in, seeing that Finger had left.

“You and snails, wipe down the walls. They’re gonna be smelling like turpentine if we don’t get that shit out of there. Also, I hope you frisked him for guns.”

“Yes ma’am. And I checked. He didn’t have any on him.”

“That’s good.” Said Trixie, “at least I would have had a slow death.”

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” Said Derpy.

“No, not at all!” said Minty, “I’m just surprised to see you, come on in!” Derpy removed her jacket and hung it on Minty’s coat rack. Minty was the only pony Derpy knew that had a coat rack.

“I apologize for not calling ahead.” said Derpy.

“No, it’s no problem at all! Sit anywhere you like.” said Minty, “can I get you something to drink?”

“Just water please.” Derpy sat down on an armchair (ponies call them broadchairs) and Minty opened up the fridge.

“I’ve got Crystal Mountain© water, Deep Blue© water, Doctor Electron’s High-electrolyte© water, and Northern Springs© water. I also have two kinds of ice.”

“Northern Springs sounds good,” said Derpy, “and no ice for me thank you.” For herself, Minty poured a glass of the good old Doctor Electron’s. She’d been watching her electrolytes recently.

“I’m here to discuss a rather serious matter with you.” Said Derpy.

“Mm hmm?” Minty said, sipping from her glass (she’d given herself the tinted green one).

“Your partner, Twilight. Has she told you about her… condition?”

“What do you mean?”

“I thought not.” Derpy sighed. “She doesn’t like to discuss her personal life at work. She prefers to keep her two lives separate, and I’ve respected that preference. But even if she doesn’t want to talk about it, her personal life does affect my business, at least it does in this sense. Twilight has cancer. It’s terminal.”

Minty was shocked. “Are you serious?” Derpy nodded.

“It’s the whole reason she started working in this business. She had bills to pay. Her friends had bills to pay. She wanted to make money to leave for her… various relations. And she has done that. The three of us have accomplished a lot forever, but… I hate to say it… it won’t last forever.” Minty’s eyes were tearing up.

“How much longer does she have?” Derpy sighed again.

“She doesn’t want to talk about it. It could be tomorrow, it could be in six months, I’m not sure. But I fear the worst, and in my business, I always try to prepare for the worst-case scenario. When she’s… gone, I want you to take over the lab. And I wanted to know… how long you think it will be before you’ll be ready.” Minty thought about it for a long time.

“Jeez… I mean… All on my own?”

“You’ll have your own assistant of course. I’ll attend to that.”

“I don’t think I’m ready right now,” said Minty, “I mean,” Minty had a bad habit of saying ‘I mean’ when she wasn’t confident about herself, “I know my chemistry but Twilight, she’s a genius. I’d need… at least a few more cooks before I could really fully grasp her method.”

“How many?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“How much time, at a minimum, would it take for you to learn her method completely?”

“Well… If I studied her very closely, I think I could get it in… two more weeks?”

“Two more weeks.” Derpy repeated back.

“Yeah.” Said Minty, “Two more weeks.”

TWO WEEKS LATER

Trixie’s clock was off. She knew her clock was off because the alternative explanation was that Twilight was over 60 seconds later, and that was impossible. She was supposed to show up at 5:09 PM exactly, and her rotten, lying timepiece said that it was 5:10 and 20 seconds. She’d be able to know just how off it was when Twilight came, but she doubted Twilight would let her set her clock back before they headed out. Actually, knowing Twilight, she probably would. Trixie had just made up her mind to ask her when Twilight appeared, in a flash of purple light, exactly where she said she would appear, and grabbed Trixie as she tried to ask “Can I reset my clock first?” but they had already both teleported away by the time she finished the sentence.

“What did you say?” Twilight asked.

“Never mind.” Trixie said, trying to stand still and get her head straight so the sky would stop spinning. Teleportation was kind of nauseating. That’s why Rainbow Dash had vomited all over her office floor when Twilight had sent her.

Doctor Boiler was standing on his porch, looking at his pocket watch.

“You’re exactly on time.” He said. Trixie fucking knew it. Twilight’s eyes darted all around, and she galloped inside.

“Come on, come on!” She said, “Don’t let anypony see us.”

“Oh, y’all are alright.” Said Doctor Boiler, “There ain’t nopony around, I checked. But come on in, she’s waitin’ for y’all.”

By the time Trixie had gotten inside, Rainbow Dash had already tacklehugged Twilight Sparkle.

“You’re back! What the hell took you so long? Where have you been? Oh my Celestia I have been so bored!”

“Feeling better, I presume?” Twilight squeaked out, crushed under the weight of Rainbow Dash’s embrace.

Rainbow Dash sure had made a mess of the place. The last time Twilight had been here, Rainbow Dash had still been confined to the bed, and Doctor Boiler’s cabin was spick and span, apart from all the dust and leaves and wooden sticks and shit that inevitably gets into log cabins in the wilderness. It was plain to see that since she had regained her ability to walk, she had been tearing the place up out of boredom. Rainbow Dash didn’t do well cooped up for long periods of time. Without much to do apart from talk to Doctor Boiler, who by now only came by every few days to drop off food and other things Rainbow Dash requested, Rainbow Dash had to find creative ways to spend her time without leaving her hideout. Every surface was covered with empty bowls, rotten food, failed attempts at origami, sheets of paper, most of which were scribbled on with some short story or self-portrait, and bits of her own fur that she’d pulled out, purely out of boredom. She’d almost burned down the cabin nearly a dozen times.

“I keep tellin’ her to cool it on physical activity until her ribs fully heal, but she keeps zoomin' around the place anyway.” Said Doctor Boiler. Doctor Boiler was not really a doctor, he was a veterinarian, but he was a close friend of Trixie’s and great at keeping secrets, so he was a much better choice than taking her to the hospital, where Derpy’s employees would have found her in less than a day. The cabin was Trixie’s. She’d had it for years as a place to go to lay low. It came in handy a lot.

“Here’s your money for the week.” Trixie handed a wad of bits to the ‘doctor’. “Don’t worry about trying to get her to stop moving around, she’s an athletic little creature. What’s important is nopony learns she’s here. ‘Cause it’ll be all of our asses on the line, okay? Now if you don’t mind…”

“Of course.” Doctor Boiler said, packing his stuff and leaving, “y’all have business to discuss. I won’t keep y’all. I don’t get paid to hear secrets.” When he left, Rainbow Dash was the first to talk.

“Please tell me there’s some good news.”

“Good news?” said Trixie, “The only good news is that none of us died before this little get-together. Apart from that, you’re shit-outta-luck if you’re looking for good news. My own private investigator is threatening to break my legs! He’s supposed to be working for me! I told him you were in Appleloosa but that was over a week ago. I’d bet dollars to donuts they already know you’re not there. Finger’s no slacker. It’s only a matter of time before they find you, and I don’t think I need to spell it out for you what’s gonna happen when they do.”

“We need a plan.” Said Twilight.

“Yeah, no shit.” Said Trixie, “What we need is an exit plan. And luckily for your sorry asses, I’ve got one.” Trixie took out a plain-looking eggshell business card.

“Ponyville Quality Furniture.” Rainbow Dash read, “How exactly is this supposed to help us?”

“This is a contact I’ve been keeping in my back pocket.” Said Trixie, “She’s a disappearer. She can wipe you off the face of Equestria, literally.”

“She kills you?” said Twilight.

“No, she takes you somewhere else. Another dimension. Your physical appearance is completely changed. New world, new body, new name. It’s totally untraceable. Now let me be clear, this is an endgame. If you take this option there’s no going back. You leave behind your homeland, your very species. You can never see your friends or family ever again. I’m only bringing it up now because every single one of us is on the chopping block if I’m not mistaken.”

“Twilight’s doing fine.” Rainbow Dash said.

“Yeah, until Derpy has me killed and replaced with Minty. I know they’re planning on it. It’s only a matter of time. We finish this week’s cook tomorrow. I’d be surprised if I live through the weekend.” Said Twilight.

“So you’re in?” said Trixie.

“Fuck no.” said Twilight. “I’m not abandoning my friends to live as some body horror freak in an alien dimension for the rest of my short, cancer-ridden life. I can’t leave behind Ponyville, and I don’t think Rainbow Dash can either.”

“No…” said Rainbow Dash, “I couldn’t.”

“Well, if you two have any better ideas, I’m all ears.” Said Trixie.

“Why don’t we just go to the police?” said Rainbow Dash. The other two looked at her like she was a sea anemone who had just walked into the room and offered up her opinion on veganism.

“What?” said Twilight.

“We’re best friends with the head of the anti-drug task force. If we squealed, I guarantee we’d get witness protection. That’s a good deal. Derpy would go to jail, we’d be alive. Just… a quick exit. From all of this. We wipe the slate clean, pretend this never happened.”

“Well hang on a second here guys,” said Trixie, “I’m not sure you’re really considering the full, uh, ramifications of what you’re saying here. Maybe you’d get off for snitch privileges, but I don’t think your friend Glitter here would be quite so lucky. And what about ol’ Slippin’ Trixie? What happens to her? I shouldn’t even need to say it, but I’m not going along with any plan that leads to me going to jail.”

“We’re not going to the police.” Said Twilight. “No matter what, we don’t go to the police. Applejack can’t know. Not now, not ever. And I’m not running away either. The cook can’t stop, no matter what. That’s the one thing I’m absolutely certain about. The only reason Derpy hasn’t killed me yet after what we did, is that without me she has no product. She can’t afford to kill me for as long as I’m her only cook. For as long as the cook continues, I have leverage. If the cook stops, or I’m replaced, not only am I not safe, nopony I know is safe. The cook can’t stop.”

“So what exactly is your plan?” said Trixie. Twilight took out a revolver.

“If I can be replaced, we die. So I won’t be replaced.”

“You’re gonna kill Minty‽” Rainbow Dash caught on quick.

“It’s her or us.”

“I don’t know Twilight; this doesn’t feel right. She didn’t do anything…”

“Rainbow Dash, this is life or death. I can’t do this alone. I need your help.”

“Wh-? Are you- Do you want me to do it‽”

“I’m not asking that. I just need your help. I need an address. Derpy’s employees watch me too closely, I can’t find where she lives. But Derpy doesn’t know where you are, she’s not tracking you. I just need her address. I can do the rest. But please, Rainbow Dash. I can’t do this without you.”

“Why can’t Trixie do it?”

“They’re following Trixie as much as they’re following me. They know about her; it can’t be her. Please, I need you to do this for me.” Twilight looked into Rainbow Dash’s eyes, even as Rainbow Dash tried to look away. “I saved your life, Rainbow Dash. Are you gonna save mine?”

Before she left, Twilight gave Rainbow Dash a prepaid cellphone, a revolver (she had bought two), and of course, a book.

The next afternoon was a very stressful one. After she finished the day’s cook and said her goodbyes to Minty, Twilight was glancing behind her every four steps of the way home. At home, she wrote a letter to Celestia about what she’d learned that week about not judging others for having different tastes in music than you, and then played a board game with Spike. It was called “Campaign for the Eastern Mountains”, and by the time Twilight finished explaining the rules, it was dinnertime. Spike was all too eager to start cooking rather than playing, since he had not been listening to the rules and had no interest in hearing them again. Spike had started on chopping up the onions and garlic when Twilight’s phone rang. She ran to the bathroom to answer. Spike did not ask questions. He never did.

“413 Salt Lick Lane. She lives alone in a house in the southern part of town.” Rainbow Dash’s voice came through the shitty flip phone speakers.

“Is she home?” was all that Twilight Sparkle had to say.

“Yeah, she’s home. When are you gonna do it?”

“Tonight.” She said, “as soon as it gets dark, I’ll do it.”

Dinner that night was pasta with a creamy avocado sauce, with salad and garlic bread on the side. It was pretty good. When it was over, Twilight slipped her revolver into her autumn jacket and stepped outside. She took a deep breath. She thought about her game plan. She’d take the back-roads to Salt Lick Lane, then teleport inside the house when it was in sight. The rest would be trivial. Minty was an earth pony. She wouldn’t have any tricks up her sleeve.

Unfortunately, she didn’t even get out of view of the library before Finger and two other pegasi crawled out of the shadows and asked her to accompany them on a nighttime walk.

“I hate to bother you this late at night, but there’s a problem at the lab. We’re gonna need you to come take a look.”

“Oh, sure, absolutely.” Twilight said, “Let me just check my schedule.” She attempted to withdraw her revolver with telekinesis, but the moment she flashed her horn, she was overcome with an unbearable nausea. Her vision went blurry, her head spun, and she felt queasy. But all only for a second. Her horn stopped flashing as quickly as it had started, and the world came back into focus as her revolver slid out of her pocket onto the wet grass. Her legs shook as she tried to process what had just happened.

“Oh, I’m sorry Twilight.” Said Finger, who removed a little necklace from his jacket pocket, “I should have mentioned. Derpy asked me to bring this to an associate of ours tomorrow morning, and I’ve been carrying it with me so I don’t forget. It’s called an earth amulet. It’s really quite a remarkable little trinket.” Finger raised it up so Twilight could get a better look. It was a silver chain necklace with a little bismuth crystal inside of an obsidian triangle, with an image of an earth pony’s head on top of the triangle, with a tiny diamond for an eye. “I wouldn’t recommend trying to use magic when you’re in its range. For your health.”

Twilight knew what an earth amulet was. She felt immensely lucky that her first instinct hadn’t been to teleport away. If telekinesis was enough to make her unbearably sick, teleportation would have undoubtedly killed her, and in a very ugly way. She didn’t feel lucky for long. Upon having more time to ponder her circumstances, she felt very unlucky. The three pegasi either did not notice or simply did not comment on the revolver on the ground. Although the former was possible given the darkness, Twilight suspected the latter. Either way, she had no way of picking it up without endangering herself, and it was getting further away as she followed them to her death. They stayed close to her. The two pegasi whom she didn’t recognize walked on her sides, a little behind her. Finger Flyer walked in front of her. There was no way to escape. Twilight felt her heart beat faster and faster, and her mouth get dryer, and her legs get weaker as they got closer to the laundromat. Although nopony said anything for most of the trip, Twilight eventually felt compelled to beg for her life.

“Please don’t do this. You don’t have to do this, Finger.” Said Twilight.

“Yeah, unfortunately I do.” The two of them had stopped pretending that this was just a regular nighttime stroll. “Keep walking, Twilight.”

“Listen, I’ll cook. I’ll cook for free. There won’t be any more problems. I’ll do anything. The cancer’s gonna kill me anyway, can’t you let me die with my friends? Please, just don’t do this.”

“Sorry, Twilight. I can’t help you.”

“Just let me talk to Derpy.” Twilight said, “If I can just talk to Derpy I can explain. Just let me talk to her PLEASE!”

“Keep walking.” Twilight’s mind raced a hundred kilometers a minute. Think think think think think! She had to do something. They were almost at the lab.

“I can give you Rainbow Dash!” she blurted out. That finally stopped Finger. “That’s right! She’s the problem! She’s always been the problem! You know she is! She’s the one you really want, not me! And I know where she is! She’s not in Appleloosa or wherever you’re looking for her, she’s here! Right here in Ponyville!”

“Where.” Said Finger, whom she had finally gotten to turn and look at her.

“Well I-“ Twilight thought frantically, “I can teleport you to her! If you just put away the amulet I-“

“No deal.” Said Finger.

“WAIT! I can call her! I’ll call her, and I’ll set up a meeting. I’ll ask her to come here and meet with me, okay?” Finger looked at the other two pegasi, then back at Twilight, and nodded. Twilight, bereft of telekinesis, reached her head into her jacket pocket, which the pegasi responded to by drawing their firearms.

“WAIT WAIT! I’M JUST GETTING MY PHONE!”

“I can get it.” Said Finger. “You stay right where you are.” Finger took out the flip phone and held it to Twilight’s head. She awkwardly typed in the number of Rainbow Dash’s prepaid cell phone with her muzzle. Twilight’s heart was beating so fast it was hard to hear the ringing of the phone. Please pick up please pick up please pick up, she thought. She picked up. Finger’s head was right up next to Twilight’s, so he could hear everything said on the phone. He lowered his guard when he heard Rainbow Dash’s voice. She hadn’t been lying.

“Did you do it?” said Rainbow Dash.

“No,” said Twilight, “I didn’t do it. I can’t, now. It’s gonna have to be you.”

“What? No way, dude. I-“

“Listen! You’re faster than they are. You have to do it now. They’re taking me to the laundromat and they’re going to kill me.” Finger ripped the phone away from Twilight after this sentence, and the last thing that Rainbow Dash heard on her end was Twilight screaming “DO IT RAINBOW DASH! DO IT NOW! PLEASE!” before the dial tone.

The three guns were once again pointed at Twilight, but this time, instead of fear, she was wearing a face of victorious pride.

“Just what the hell was that, exactly?” said Finger.

“413 Salt Lick Lane.” Twilight said, savoring every word. “Ring any bells?”

The pegasi were dead silent.

“That’s right.” She said. “You might wanna reconsider the execution. Your boss is gonna need me soon.”

Minty was removing her broccoli cheese casserole from the oven when she heard the doorbell ring.

“Just a minute!” Minty called out. She turned off the oven and placed the casserole on the counter to cool down. Derpy had chosen the perfect moment to arrive, she thought. She wasn’t expecting her, but she liked to make surprise visits. It was a shame that she was almost certainly here to deliver bad news, but bad news with casserole was better than bad news on an empty stomach. Minty heard her phone ring.

“I’m coming I’m coming!” She was impatient. It was bad news. Minty didn’t want to keep her unexpected visitor waiting any longer, so after she had double-checked that the oven was in fact off, she opened the door. Derpy wasn’t there. A rainbow pegasus stood in the doorway with a revolver in her mouth and tears in her eyes.

“Can I- Can I help you?” said Minty, in shock. Rainbow Dash said nothing.

“Take anything you want.” Said Minty, “I have money. I have… lots of money.” Rainbow Dash didn’t enter. She didn’t seem interested in money. She just stared into Minty’s eyes, tears running down her face. Minty knew what she was here for.

“Please.” Said Minty, quietly. “You don’t have to do this.”

Rainbow Dash pulled the trigger, and shot Minty straight through the mouth. Minty collapsed instantly, dying before she hit the ground, blood spilling out of her mouth onto the floor of the foyer.

Rainbow Dash walked out onto the lawn, not bothering to close the door, and waited for Derpy’s associates to arrive. She didn’t feel like flying away. She didn’t think she could.

When Derpy Hooves had hastily made her exit from the Cloudsdale Night Market Fundraiser, it was lightly drizzling. By the time she arrived at the laundromat, it was pouring. When she entered, she was soaking wet and absolutely apoplectic. She found no one in the main building, and made her way into the laboratory. Finger Flyer, along with two of her other employees, Star Hunter and Meadow Flower, were standing around the lab. In front of the desk, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash were tied to office chairs. Rainbow Dash looked at the ground and lazily spun herself around in her chair. Twilight Sparkle looked Derpy right in the eye the moment she opened the door to the lab.

“Derpy!” she said. “I know you’re very upset, and I’m sorry, but you’ve gotta understand. You’ve got to see things from my perspective. You’re a reasonable pony. We both know that. You wouldn’t do anything crazy. You understand that I was just protecting myself. It was life or death! What choice did I have! Anypony would have done the same if they had been put in my position, it was nothing personal at all. You would have done the same.” Derpy said nothing as Twilight’s rambling continued. She descended the stairs slowly and walked towards a tool cabinet.

“Derpy, you’ve got to listen to me.” Twilight continued, talking quickly, “All I ever wanted- All WE ever wanted, was to cook. We’re both here, we can work, we can get back to work. PLEASE, just let us go back to work, we’re ready to go back to work.” Derpy opened a drawer and pulled out a box cutter. Twilight started talking faster when she saw Derpy walking towards her with the tool in her mouth.

“Derpy, think about this! Just think! Before you do something you regret! Without me, you have nothing! What will this lab be without a cook? Just a million-bit hole in the ground. You need me. You can’t kill me, or Rainbow Dash! Either of us! If you kill me, you have nothing! If you kill Rainbow Dash, you don’t have me.” Rainbow Dash stopped looking at the ground for the first time in an hour, and looked at Twilight.

“Twilight.” said Derpy, her voice muffled by the box cutter in her mouth. Twilight looked at her and tried not to cry.

“Yes?”

“Hold still.” Twilight closed her eyes tightly as Derpy pressed the box cutter to the base of her horn and began cutting.

Derpy carved into her horn, moving the box cutter back and forth for 15 excruciating minutes. The box cutter was dull, and it took a lot of force to to carve into Twilight’s horn. To make matters worse, Twilight kept involuntarily squirming around, which only caused her pain to worsen, as Derpy had poor coordination and dexterity to begin with, and every time Twilight flailed her head too much the box cutter would slip out of its little groove and stab her a little bit in the head. Eventually, Derpy finished her task, and Twilight’s horn fell onto the metal floor. She was crying hysterically, and she had screamed so much that she could barely use her throat. Her screams by that point were almost inaudible, she had damaged her own vocal chords so much. It was a very uneven cut, all jagged and fucked up, with her horn’s stump a little higher at the back than at the front. Large portions of her mane had gotten cut off in the process, and she was bleeding profusely from the forehead, which was filled with little cuts and knicks, some of which had gotten hairs in them, which matted with blood and stuck inside the wounds. Her face was covered in tears and dried snot. Rainbow Dash couldn’t bear to look. Even Finger seemed appalled.

Derpy Hooves picked up Twilight’s horn, walked back up the stairs, and left, without another word.