16.6 I’ll Make Love-makers and Flank-breakers Out Of’m, Ma’am. - - (Special Edition - Always Open! ಠ_ಠ )

A/N: since somepony failed that Wisdom Saving Throw-
-Excuse me?
… Mi Amore Cadenza? I’m in the middle of-
-Yeah, I know, but I was wondering if you could do a chapter with me first? The one with the prank?
Uh~ that… why?
Well~ this would have been my slot, but Luna bumped everything which will affect a few others. I just think you should… And I’m the Alicorn of Love.
But the publishing order and chronological order are not usually interchangeable. And what does being the Alicorn of Love have to do with-
-Just do it.
What?
You really don’t want to be on the bad side of Love. Don’t worry about it. Just do it. Please~ for me? I’ll let you scratch my chin.
Th- the bad side-? Wait. How are you addressing me directly right now? I’m supposed to be invisible except when I’m the one addressing somepony like when I tried to interview Spitfire and-
-That’s why you don’t want to be on Love’s bad side. Just do it. It’s fine.
…Ugh. Fine, but I do this under protest.
Thank you~!

Extra A/N: forewarning - large section of Monty Python-style dialogue jokes in the middle.

**Canterlot Castle, Canterlot, Equestria**
**Morning, 009 Summer CC**
**Mi Amore Cadenza**

So, here I am: about to walk onto the parade grounds here at the Castle, stand in front of the palace Guard formation, and give them their morning briefing. Auntie asked me to do it. I didn’t ask why, but I agreed to give it a shot.

Every guardpony did pre-breakfast trainings which mostly consist of stretches and calisthenics. They broke for breakfast, washed up, suited up, and then formed up here on the parade grounds as they do every day. On training days, they do other things later.

The morning is basically a bunch of warm-ups to help everypony wake up, loosen up, and gear up for whatever else might happen later in the day. I think I’d like to do some exercises. I heard from Crystal Inkwell that Auntie Celestia has her own routine. Maybe she’d let me join her for that? I should ask.

The briefing is nothing special. The pony at front mostly reiterates safety concepts, reminds the Guards to do their jobs, and possibly provide some motivation. They train and know what they’re supposed to do.

There is no need to reinvent the cart, the cart’s wheel, or the axel. This is just business as usual. I’m just a tiny alicorn foal -or a young mare depending on one’s viewpoint- about to lead a group of highly trained adult professionals for a few minutes. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

Celestia asked me not to mention the Guard that was recently lost near the Foal Mountains and Foaledo. The investigation is ongoing, and there are some questions as to whether the troll can be reformed or not. I could not believe it when she said that: there are trolls. Trolls! Like, where did those come from?

I had no idea there were supposed to be trolls in Equestria. Now, I want to figure out what other things to live here that I didn’t know about previously.

Auntie said they usually just stay in their caves. Diamond Dogs are far more likely to encounter them. If the Guard knows about them, they will drop off actual toys to keep the trolls pacified from time to time.

Trolls are really big, and they’re also really, really stupid; and quite often they think us smaller creatures are toys. They don’t do this out of malice; but they can do pretty messed up things, because they simply don’t realize us smaller creatures are sentient and can feel things like pain, hunger, and thirst.

I’m a pony on the line between fillyhood and marehood. I got my cutie mark somewhat earlier than the average age. I haven’t technically started adolescence yet; although, it’s looming according to Auntie Celestia. Or maybe I have started it? I don’t know. It’s not like I’ve ever done this before.

Everypony is standing in lines and rows, there is a pony in front of each unit facing the larger group, and one pony stands in front of the whole group. Nopony is at attention. They’re just waiting -for me mostly. I don’t exactly know how many there are in attendance.

The one at the very front is the commanding officer. Captain Raucous Caucus -otherwise knows as ‘The Rock’- is the commanding officer of this gathering.

‘Captain of the Guard’ is more of a title than a rank. There are other officers of higher rank around, but units of the size gathered here this morning are usually led by a captain. If commissioned, time in service will get a pony to the rank of captain almost automatically, but a pony is generally required to have field experience of some kind to move beyond that station.

Field experience does not usually mean ‘wartime’ action. It usually means that a Guard has done something beyond the standard duty set. The ponies involved in the incident with that troll will receive such attribution. Guards on a standard patrol who go beyond that duty to help civilians like elderly ponies carry their groceries home or helping get a cat out of a tree can be awarded marks on their service record as field experience.

There is a dedicated unit to Canterlot, but other units from around the country take turns supplementing the entire capitol area to include the sections of the city around the mountain and around its base. Stallions are still the majority of those assigned to the palace both for permanent and temporary details. Time spent in this rotation are counted as field experience.

Different actions have different values on a pony’s service record. The most prestigious award a Royal Guard or Ranger can receive is the Medal of Harmony, but that is rarely given. A ‘wonder bolt’ is the name of the special medal given to those of the Wonderbolts team who see military service as a Wonderbolt; usually, they just do shows and demonstrations but can be called to active duty if the need arises.

I know a few others: the Iron Wing; the Distinguished Naval Tail; bronze, silver, golden horseshoes; and the Victorious crescent, half, full, and new Moon.

There are others, but I haven’t spent much time studying Equestrian military history. I don’t think there is a medal specifically for being hurt or injured in the line of duty. Or for anything related to love. Maybe I should talk with Auntie about that? I could call it a ‘Pink Heart,’ or a, ‘Loving Heart,’ perhaps.

The Rock, Captain Raucous Caucus, stands in front of the formation actively looking for me. I walk onto the field; and as soon as I am in sight, she calls to her subordinates to ‘fall in.’

Her junior officers sharply turn their flanks to their respective groups. As soon as the turn is executed, everypony behind straightens their attentions forward.

The commander calls the preparatory command, “Company!” The junior officers turn their heads back and repeat, “Company!”

The commander calls part of the movement command, “Atten~” and holds it while the junior officers do the same, “Atten~” She then finishes with, “~tion!” Although, it sounds more like a mare grunting, ‘Heugh!’

However she is trying to say it, everypony snaps to a position of attention at the same time. Everypony’s hooves clack together, every tail goes straight out for about one horn and then drops down, every neck is straight up, and ears and eyes are all facing forward.

I walk over in front of the commander and face her -my tail to the ponies gathered. She makes a salute and holds it; I return the salute and quickly drop mine; she drops hers; and then she takes a step back and sharply turns to take her place at the back of the formation.

I step forward into her place and execute and about face. I had to practice this to do it right; it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I issue a preparatory command, “Stand at!” The junior officers turn their heads back to their units just as they did with the commander and repeat, “Stand at!”

I issue the movement command, “Ease!” And every pony immediately moves to a wider and more relaxed standing position.

I don’t know why Princess Celestia suggested I do this. It’s not something I’ll ever do that often. Princess of Love, field marshal? Somehow, I don’t think that will work out. However, there is something cathartic about the simplicity of the motions, regularity of the procedures, and the familiarity of the uniformity.

Everypony stands in silence while their polished armors glisten in the early morning sun. I can appreciate the silence, effort, sacrifice, and discipline which led to everypony gathering here.

Maybe Auntie was trying to broaden my experiences or put me in more positions to meet more ponies? … It is equally possible that she’s just messing with me.

In a loud and steady voice so everypony in the back can hear, I say, “Okay. There shouldn’t be any changes, but I’ll reiterate the standard procedures. We have guards at all points of egress from the palace; certain key areas; walls, towers, and grounds; guest check-in and check-out; throne and court duty; specialty areas; and relief teams to rotate. Stay safe and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Any questions so far?”

Formation “No, ma’am.”

I continue, “Good. There should be officers in charge of each section, and non-coms for specific teams. Everypony gets standard breaks and meals. Don’t forget to communicate if you see or need anything.” I issue a command the way The Rock did earlier for everypony to stand at the position of attention, and then Captain Caucus makes her way back to the front.

From the rear of the formation, she marches, stops in front of me, right faces, and holds a salute

I return salute and hold it, “All yours, Captain.”

She smirks, “Thank you, ma’am.”

I end salute and she follows suit. Taking one step back, I turn sharply, and walk to the formation’s rear; the captain replaces me at the front and center the way I did to her earlier.

After I reach the back, The Rock says to the group, “You know what to do,” and she issues commands for everypony, “Dis~missed.”

There is something of a tradition that the pony in charge will personally assign guards to the Princess. After the formation breaks, two guards remain behind. I imagine they are all on some kind of roster, and it’s just their turn.

I am not a crowned princess yet; but as an alicorn, I technically outrank everypony here by default regardless of whether I hold actual authority right now or not.

So, I go up to them and point to the first guard tasked to this duty, “What’s your name?”

“Private Pastry Froster, ma’am.”

To the other, I point, “And yours?”

“Private Gerund Participle, ma’am, but my friends call me, ‘Gerry.’”

They both have Trottish accents -accents from Trottingham- which is different. Actually, the Canterlot accent is somewhat close to Trottingham's but a touch more posh. I'm not sure why. We didn't have a large number of Trottish immigrants at any point in the city's history. There's another thing I should ask Auntie about.

They are both stallions. Due to the enchanted armor, I cannot see what they actually look like. I think the purpose of the enchantments is to make it very difficult to differentiate guardsponies. If you were to observe and look for patterns among the guards for nefarious purposes, it would be nearly impossible, because everypony looks the same. I should ask her why.

They’re both unicorns from The Rock’s unit out of Las Pegasus who are all here a Summer and Autumn rotation; so for the junior officers and junior enlisted, it’s all of their first times doing most of these duties around the Palace. Most of the mares are going around the city, city walls, and through ways between the city levels.

Princess Celestia does not seem like the type of pony who would horde stallions around herself, but I can see how it might look like that. She’s way too kind to do something so selfish… unless it’s leading up to the longest prank in Equestrian history. At this point, I wouldn’t discount it.

There could be some old law involving this, or most have forgotten or gotten used to the current way of things and didn’t think to question it.

Maybe the Princess has a ‘type?’ I don’t know what to think about that.

Oh well. The Princess gave me some responsibility. That’s cool. It’s not much, but it’s something to do beyond studying and ‘being a filly.’ Like, how do you look at a foal and say, ‘just be the thing that you are,’ while implying that you’re currently not being that way? It makes no sense. Do you want me to keep trying the way I have been or to do something else? I don’t know!

I just have to assign some guards a few duties; today, it’s just these two, and I only have to bring them to their assignment to guard the Princess.

“Okay,” I say to the two guards, “Gerry and Frosty, you follow me. I’ll be assigning your tasks for your shift today.”

They follow me off the parade field and into the palace. We walk silently through the halls and find our destination: Princess Celestia’s room. She’s been there for a little while. Today’s an ‘administrative catch-up day,’ so, she’ll be here most of the day. I’ve got lessons and… more lessons and can’t do much to help her at this point.

When we approach the ponies who are currently posted at her door, the guards face each other. Gerry is on the right, and Frosty is on the left.

They’re both privates. I don’t know which one has seniority, but Frosty starts the post relief, “By the light of the Sun, you are relieved.”

The guard by the door replies, “For the glory of the Day, we are so relieved.” The guards being relieved step aside and make their way down the hall; Gerry and Frosty take up their post.

I nod, “Alright. Here you guys go.”

As I am about to step away, Frosty asks, “Go? Go where?”

I look around to make sure that he’s talking to me. When I find nopony, I say, “Nowhere.”

He follows up, “Then how can we go anywhere if we’re not going anywhere?”

I stop, “You’re not. Just stand guard here.”

Gerry asks slowly, “Stand and guard?”

“Yes,” I state.

Frosty tries to get clarification, “Like, at the same time?”

I double-take, “Yes. It’s what you guys do. You’re guards.”

Frosty concludes, “Right. Is that all?”

But Gerry wonders, “What if, uh~ if, um~ if- if- if- uh~?”

I turn to face the two guards by Auntie’s door, “I don’t know what’s going on, guys. I’m just assigning you two guards to stand here, and guard Princess Celestia.”

Frosty nods, “Right.”

Gerry nods, “We’re not to sign here unless it’s Princess Celestia.”

I blink, “What? No-”

Froster asks, “-What kind of stand?”

Gerry says to his teammate, “I did a lemonade stand when I was a foal.”

“Oh, yeah~ I remember that,” answers the other, “Those are usually popular.”

I try to interject, “No. I don’t want-”

But Frosty continues, “Ah, but does Princess Celestia drink lemonade?”

Gerry shrugs, “I don’t know. She has lived a long time. Maybe she’s drinked it before?”

Private Froster corrects his companion, “I think you mean, ‘drunked.’”

Private Gerrund retorts, “No, that’s when you’ve had too much cider or juice.” I can’t believe what I’m hearing right now. These are Royal Guards.

Frosty rebuts, “Isn’t lemonade a type of juice?”

Gerry shakes his head, “I think it’s too watered down to be classified as a juice.”

I try to be a little more forceful, “Look, guys, I just want you to stand here and guard the Princess. You don’t need to set up a stand of any kind.”

Frosty asks, “How will we know if she’s standing or not?” What? All I can think to do right now is to blink.

Gerry offers, “Maybe she’s laying down?”

I state flat out, “No-”

Frosty adds, “She does a lot of sitting.”

“Yeah, I’ve seen that,” concurs, Gerry.

I shut them down, “Guys, you are the ones who are standing.”

With this insight that I really do not think should be revelatory, Frosty seems to get it, “Oh~ Is that what we’re doing?”

Gerry nods, realizing, “I get it now.”

I sighs, thank Harmony, “Good,” and start to walk away, but the guards follow. As soon as they take a few steps and I hear their hoofsteps, I stop and look back at them, “What are you two doing?”

Frosty volunteers, “We’re following you.”

“Why?” I ask with a raised brow.

Gerry answers, “You just said to, ‘guard the Princess,’ ma’am.”

Frosty adds, “And you are the princess.”

I correct them, “I meant, ‘Princess Celestia,’ and I’m not crowned; so, technically, I’m not a princess yet.”

With this insight that I really do not think should be revelatory, Frosty seems to get it, again, “Oh~”

Again, Gerry nods, realizing, “Okay.”

So, I walk them back to Princess Celestia’s bedroom door. When they resume their stations, I ask, “So, you guys get it? You stay here, standing right here, and you guard the Princess.”

Gerry says slowly, “Y~es~?” Or is he asking?

Frosty seeks clarification, “We can do that just by standing?”

“What,” I say, “Didn’t they teach you about how to guard?”

Private Froster asks, “Does us standing here actually guard her?”

Gerry offers, “Well, she is really strong -like, way stronger than both of us combined.”

Frosty adds, “Yeah, I saw her lift a whole cart full of snacks the other day.”

I ask, “What does that have to do with-” Wait. When did she do that?

Gerry says to Frosty, “Do you think she lifts the sun?”

Frosty asks Gerry, “What do you mean?”

Gerry explains, “Like, you know how boats are really big and heavy?”

I try to intercept this, “Guys. Come on. I got class to get to-”

But Gerry keeps saying to Frosty, “But those big heavy boats don’t sink. You know?”

Frosty tilts his head, seemingly unsure what his guard buddy is trying to say, “Yeah?”

Private Gerund comes to the crux of his thesis, “Well, moving a boat on the water is way easier than moving it on the ground.”

Inspired by Gerry, Private Froster tries to draw a conclusion, “I think I know where you’re going with this, but is the space up in the sky like water?”

“Up where the sun is?” Gerry postulates, “It is blue like water.”

“Except at night,” Frosty rebuts.

Gerry concedes, “Oh, yeah.” I don’t know where these two went to school, but I place all the blame at that institution.

In conciliation, I try again, “Guys, you don’t need to speak. Like, at all. You just need to stand here and guard the Princess.”

Gerry offers, “I’m still unsure what you mean?” Is he upward inflecting on purpose?

Frosty tries to clarify by asking the other guard, “Like, we know she’s really strong?”

Gerry nods, “Yeah?”

Frosty tries to reason, “So, what is it we’re actually doing?” I don’t think either of these guys have proven that they know how to reason.

A shiver runs down my spine, and the muscles of my back quiver at the thought of these two coming to me, as Alicorn of Love, for romantic advice someday in the future.

Patting Frosty on the shoulder, Gerry praises, “Mm~ that’s deep.”

Frosty admits, “Philosophical that is.”

I don’t even right now. Maybe I can explain this to them simply, “Have you guys ever heard the phrase, ‘If the only tool you have is a hammer, then every problem looks like a nail?’”

Frosty thinks in silence for a while, “…” It’s the best thing I’ve heard in the past five minutes.

Gerry also thinks for a moment, but soon I can see a smile grow across his muzzle as he nods with the result of his contemplations, “No?”

Frosty seems to restart, “My sister is really good with hammers.”

“Oh, I can confirm that,” Gerry acknowledges to me.

Private Froster reminisces, “Why, she once told me, ‘If the only tool you have is a hammer, then make sure you hit the nail on the head.’” That’s not the way that’s supposed to go… Oh, and it seems his sister isn’t much different than her brother. I also blame their parents.

Private Gerund also engages in nostalgia with a pleased look on his face and eyes closed, “Your sister’s really smart.” Keep a straight face right now, Cadence.

Frosty elbows Gerry, “She’s single, too.”

“Really?” Gerry asks, “How does that happen?”

Before anypony can answer that, I intervene, “Guys. No. It means that while Princess Celestia is powerful, she shouldn’t have to use that power on little problems. That’s what you guys are here to help with.”

Again, Frosty thinks in silence for a while with furrowed brows, “…”

But Gerry asks, “With nails?”

Frosty wonders, “What kind of nail problems?”

Rubbing my temples, “Ugh. Okay. Look, you see that door?” I point at the door to Princess Celestia’s room.

Frosty confirms, “Yup.”

Gerry does as well, “Uh huh.”

I’m worried about these two, but I’m also working hard to be nice right now; so, with forced calm, I explain, “You just have to stand here, and help the door do its job.”

The two guards silently look at each other, and Gerry volunteers, “Do we have to?”

“What,” I say, “You’re guards. That’s your job.”

Gerry fidgets with one of his hooves, “Yeah, but I don’t like this door.”

I thought I was confused before, “You don’t-?”

Frosty nods, “-Me neither. It has a potty mouth.”

“What?” I ask.

Gerry confesses with a hushed voice, “I heard it say naughty things.” A door!?

Frosty whispers confirmation, “Me too.”

I ask, “This door? Like what?”

“Yup. This one,” Frosty confirms, “Especially around mealtime.” These two guarded the Princess’ bedroom door already? I can only assume this is The Rock’s idea, but she seems too competent. Who then would have the captain-?

-Princess?

“Or around sunset,” Gerry almost whimpers.

“Or really early in the morning before sunrise,” Frosty barely mutters.

Gerry laments, “Sometimes it’s other doors.”

Frosty confesses, “Things like, ‘I’m going to gobble you up.’”

Gerry adds, “Or, ‘I’ll start by slicing you up.’”

Frosty shivers, “Or, ‘There won’t be anything left when I’m through with you.’”

I shake my head, “No, guys. That was probably the Princess-”

Private Pastry Froster gasps, “The door was saying that to the Princess!?”

Private Participle Gerund snorts, “We should apprehend this door.”

“What!” I can’t believe what I’m hearing right now.

To his guard partner, Frosty says, “It’s to protect the Princess, Princess.”

Gerry giggles, “You said, ‘Princess, Princess.’”

Frosty agrees, “Heh, so I did.”

Steeling himself, Gerry girds himself, “Well, this must be done.”

Frosty nods, “Right.”

The guards turn their tails to the door and break down Princess Celestia’s bedroom door with a perfectly times buck from both of their hind hooves.

Inside, the Princess is sitting behind her desk. There are lots of papers. She ducks behind it and starts moving so quickly that her hooves are blurred and doesn’t slow down until she brings out a kerchief and wipes her mouth.

Standing on the downed door, Frosty comforts her, “Don’t worry, Princess!”

Gerry confirms, “Yeah, you won’t be in any danger from this naughty door anymore.”

Princess Celestia’s face does not change. She maintains a little smile on her lips as she watches her little ponies work.

Frosty looks to his partner, “Ready to lift?”

Gerry nods; he looks down and says to the door firmly, “Don’t resist now,” and back to his partner, “On three? One. Two. Three.”

As they haul off the door together, Frosty tells the door, “It’s to the dungeons with you.”

Gerry plays, ‘good cop,’ as they leave the Princess’ room, “Yeah, but don’t worry. It’s only temporary until the trial.” They are seriously arresting a door right now.

As the guards exit with their ‘suspect,’ Celestia calls to them, “Thank you for your service, my little ponies!”

Frosty calls back, “Just following orders, Princess Celestia.”

Gerry fawns, “Anything for you, Princess.” Princess Celestia and I just watch as the guards leave.

Are all stallions like this? If so, I think I might have inadvertently learned the reason why the Royal Guards of the palace are so overpopulated with male guards; ponies like this are safer being assigned to the palace than they otherwise would be out in the field.

I should probably research ponies with some more casual conversations, but if stallions all end up like those two…

After they Guards are gone, Celestia says to me, “Good job, Cadence. You really motivated those two.” What? Motivate?

“I, uh, but,” I stutter and end up giving up, “Yeah. No problem, Auntie.”

Auntie says somewhat casually, “I think they’re both single. You know?” Why? Why is that something you want me to know? Regardless, I believe it. I have no reason to doubt that at all. Best and brightest right there.

I say, “I’ll -uh- get some other guards to help you get a new door.”

The Princess sighs, “Cadence, come here, please.” Uh-oh. I’ve heard adults use that tone before. Am I in trouble? What did I even do?

I fully enter her room and stand before her by her desk, and she says, “Cadence, I know you’re going through a hard time, because you’re starting adolescence and all that; however, I’ve told you before, and I’m telling you again.” She gets up and moves around her desk to me.

The muscles underneath her coat from her neck and down to her shoulders, barrel, and flank flow like her mane and tail. They cover more surface area because of her height; but if she were of average size, I think they would actually be somewhat petite. I’ve gotten a few peeks under her tail before; somehow her muscles cover everything up -a thin but tight veil on paradise.

The way the sinews move when she walks almost makes the rays of sun on her cutie mark dance. It’s almost hypnotic, and then a snow white wing smacks my head, “Uh!” It doesn’t hurt, but I wasn’t expecting it.

She continues, “It would be different if you were a regular pony, but you’re a young alicorn. You’ll never have to worry about housing or employment. Your life will be long, and there will be plenty of time -thousands of years- for you to study all of those books. Be young. Have fun. Make friends… Get into some trouble!” After a moment, she adds, “But not a lot.”

I don’t really know what to say to this. She mentioned Starswhirl the other day, so I’ve been reading a lot from his section in the Library. It hasn’t been that long since then, but maybe I should pace myself some more.

Auntie presses on with her lecture, “And I appreciate you appreciating my figure, but you’re too young for any of that.” She says more to herself than to me, “It’s so hard to tell what is genuine or hormones at this stage, after all.”

Although they are not frequent, she has made little comments like that before but doesn’t expound on them when I ask.

I can’t do much more than blush at being caught. I didn’t think I was staring that much. I mean, if one gets a chance to look at the Princess Celestia, then one takes it; but I guess that’s more expected from ponies who don’t get to spend time with her as often as I do.

But, come on! For one to set goals, one must know what the desired end result will be. I want to look like that when I’m older: sleek, strong, and confident. It’s just a~ uh, p- professional curiosity as the ‘Alicorn of Love…’ Right?

Celestia moves back to her desk with an eye on me -while I try not to be mesmerized by her sea of white ripple with her every step- and sits down in front of her paperwork.

One of the folders looks familiar; it was something the Mayor of Baltimare gave her when we visited: some forensics reports and a few other documents.

She looks at me and smiles; it’s not a gigantic smile, but she does it gently with her whole face, “Would you like to join me in the mornings before breakfast? I usually do some exercises. This year, I’m focusing on stretches and abdominals with long-distance running. Next year, I think I’ll do neck slimming, tail bulking, and hard-turn flying; the constant direction changing is really good for the rotor muscles on the barrel and back. It only lasts about an hour just after sunrise. It could be good to focus some of your youthful energy on activities like that.”

I nod, “I would like that,” and begin to head out; but out of the corner of my eye, I catch a twinkle in hers. I feel like she’s getting mischievous.

She says, “Good… as long as you don’t spend the whole time ogling my flank.”

I stumble on my hooves but don’t fall, “I- b- but- that’s- I wouldn’t-”

I sputter. I may have inadvertently just given her some ammunition to tease me which she immediately starts to capitalize on, “And while we’re on the subject,” oh no, “Please knock the next time you have some guards bust my door down.”

I confess, “Well, I didn’t-”

Auntie interjects, “-I’m a full-grown mare. You know?”

“What?”

She nods, “Yeah, you never know what you might be walking in on.”

I wonder if my face is more red or pink right now, “Th- that’ wasn’t what-”

Celestia doesn’t let up, “-I was all by myself. Who knows what you’d end up seeing?”

Is she turning up the heat physically right now, because it feels like it’s getting way too warm right now, “I- I get it,” I say. I should retreat, “I, uh, would like to go and…”

The Princess’s smile doesn’t widen, but it does intensify, “Thank you. Also, you should hurry. You’re already late for your lessons.” I can only sigh and nod. What a way to start the day.

As I am about to leave the room for good, I hear her breathe in deeply through her nose, “Oh, and Cadence?” I turn to hear her with my head to see Princess Celestia with a slight tint of pink on her own cheeks. “You might want to wash up... and avoid stallions until you do.”

I raise an eyebrow questioningly, and she just points at me. I take a moment to inspect myself and find my hind legs are a little slimy. What-

-Oh, right: adolescence… and I was staring at the Princess. I don’t think I like puberty.

I nod and thank Auntie. I check for stallions in the hall, and it's clear. After I get a little ways down the hall that leads straight back to her room, she calls to me from her room at me down the hall, “Don’t forget, Cadence: for you, my door is always open!”

I stop, because I can't help it and look back at her open door where Princess Celestia is waving her flank at me and laughing. I’ve only seen her act this way around me. It’s an amazing privilege to experience the side of her that loves laughter among other things, but it’s also… confusing. Sometimes. And that makes me feel weird and sometimes exhausted, too.

I think I definitely don’t like puberty right now.

I haven't been here a full year yet; but if I don't learn how to start pranking her better, then I'm going to need a vacation. I might need one anyway. The only times I’ve gotten her so far have been on accident, and neither of us saw it coming. How do you trick or embarrass somepony privately with as much experience as Celestia does?

…

It's way too warm in this hallway.

Author's Note

Cadence wanted me to use a chapter with “the prank.” I’m pretty sure she meant a different one. Nopony tell her. Please. 🙏

Chapter title adapted from a Clint Eastwood movie.

The talkative guards were inspired by Soaring’s story, “Why Are Ponies Dreaming of You?!?!” And the guards (including and especially Shining Armor) from the art show scene in MLP:FiM S07E03, “A Flurry of Emotions.” Unfortunately, those Guard bros just made this way too easy.

121st Las Pegasus Hussars, Canterlot Palace Assigned
Captain: Raucous “The Rock” Caucus
Lieutenants: Bend Over, Flow Peacock, Donuts Inn, Pill O’Talk, Amore Pleats, Wax Soft
Sergeants Major: Hoof Hearted
The Two Guards: PVT Pastry Froster, PVT Gerund “Gerry” Participle

Trolls are creatures in Equestria. They’re shown in the IDW Comics and a few of the RPG books.

“By the light of the Sun, you are relieved,” and, “For the glory of the Day, we are so relieved,” were inspired from Everyday Life with Guardsmares. Fun fact: this was the first FiMfiction I ever read. I tried to write a story similar to that one, but FiMfiction rejected it the way they did Truancy. It was about an Anon living in a far more militarized Equestria.