Time seems to slow down as the coin rotates in the air, rising higher and higher. Surprisingly enough, seeing both sides of the coin causes both of my lives to flash before my eyes. It starts with my elf life, traveling, training, studying, and even a little bit of playing. Zarra’s final dance, the trip to Prismeer where I got to meet Tasha, but there’s one memory that sticks out a bit more than the rest. It’s over 86 years worth of memories so I was bound to be a bit foggy on some of them.

It’s when I was learning our family’s bladesong. “Do you know why the bladesong was entrusted to our House of Summer Dreams, Ignis?”

“Because we’re the strongest, and we have the Moonblade?” I guess I was still a bit naive at this point. The answer causes father and my current self to chuckle.

“No. Do you remember what I said about emotions and the bladesong?”

“The chords of the song will not be able to reach their full potential if the strings are not plucked as precisely as possible. The weight of emotions and the hesitation of thoughts will cause one’s symphony to sound like it’s missing its conductor. Our bodies are the instrument and training cannot be neglected lest we sound out of tune. Oh I think I understand…”

“Do you? Well go on, I’d much rather you reach this conclusion on your own.”

“From infancy we’re trained on how to suppress our emotions to allow for mastery over our Summer transformation. It has its uses and can be quite effective, but it brings great shame if the transformation is done unintentionally. Since we are already proficient in one of the three aspects of the bladesong it should come easier for us.”

“Well that is mostly the reason, but the real reason is that emotional suppression is much more difficult to learn once you’re no longer a child. The methods required usually involve trauma or are unhealthy for the user's mind. Those people can still use the bladesong as well, but the true key lies in the first sentence you gave me. Only those who can meet all three criteria will be able to reach its full potential. Unfortunately for you due to your silver hair we did not train you properly as an infant. Thankfully it’s not too late, as you are still very much a child, but you will likely still struggle more than those around you.”

Soul and body synchronization increased.

Why did that memory choose this moment in time to bring itself to the forefront? That explains why the suppression came so easily to me in the colosseum, I suppose. Those are good things to remember for the future, no matter what I choose that will be useful for understanding the True Bladesong. More importantly, isn’t the synchronization between me and Ignis a bad thing? The Ignis I spoke too deep in my subconscious indicated that it should be avoided.

The memories speed back up and continue to pass by in flashes until we arrive in the study. This is where I was when everything went dark… but the memory continues? This is new! Is it because of the synchronization?!

In the memory I black out and grow cold, and after that I rise up into the air and stare at my motionless body in confusion. “Sorry young one, but you have to take a long nap for now. I’ll bring you somewhere very interesting in the meantime. You’ll love it there, trust me.”

I don’t recognize the voice at all, but it sounds like a man. I try to reply and move so I can look at him, but nothing is responding to me the way I want. All of my surroundings seem to stretch and blur before a rush of colors take up my vision that finish with a blinding white light.

The next thing I see an orange and red sky above me, but I recognize this. This is a sunset on Earth. My body finally responds to me but everything is sluggish as I raise my hand up into the air. It’s such a tiny hand.

“Unfortunately this place is the only one that can support this process. I’ll make sure you’re safe and taken care of, but you’ll need to stay here for a while.” It’s the same man’s voice from the Feywild. I still can’t see him because he’s wearing a cloak and has his hood up, but his voice sounds older here. Also he’s holding a book that seems vaguely familiar to me, but I can’t figure out why.

The man suddenly puts his palm on my forehead, and the next thing I see makes my heart stop.

Initializing…

Downloading user’s essence and memories…..

Complete.

User: Ignis Ferrum.

Storing user’s essence for post-installation processes…

Complete.

System Installing….

0.0000000001/100% ETA: 63 years, 274 days, 19 hours, 41 minutes, and 9 seconds.

“Hm, that's a bit longer than I was anticipating. I’m sure it’ll speed up as he gets older and he redevelops his intelligence. The initial estimate was 25 years, and I’ll be surprised if it takes any longer than that.” The hand is pulled away from my forehead and I feel… empty? This is why I didn’t remember anything as a human…

“Alright child, your new family are good people. They’ve been trying for a few years now to have a child, but can’t due to medical complications. They’re going to take care of you, don’t give them too much trouble.”

The man disappears and I hear the sounds of an infant crying. Oh, that’s me. I hear the sound of a door opening and sure enough the voice I hear is moms. Her and dad argue about what to do with me, and eventually I see my moms face and she tells me my name is Lucas.

The next 17 years flash by and I’m sitting at my desk with a blank character sheet and on my computer screen is an empty Word document. “Ugh why did Matt say my new character needs to have an actual backstory this time? It’s already bad enough that we TPK’d but now I have to write a damn essay!”

Of course back then I was completely unaware of what was happening in my subconscious, but now that I’m reliving this moment I can see glimpses of my life as an elf. The conscious part of my brain assumes that this is something it just came up with and my fingers start to move across the keyboard.

“Silver haired high elf, bladesinger, I feel like his spells should have an underlying fire theme. Oh man I need a name, I hate naming things. Well if he’s a fire based wizard that has bladesinging as his subclass I’ll just name him fire sword. Ignis Gladius, oh that sounds wrong. I hate that. Uh, swords are made of steel right?” I look at the computer screen and underneath the translation it has synonyms and my eyes are just drawn to the 2nd option, Ferrum. That sounds right, yeah that’s the one. “Ignis Ferrum.”

The last 3 years following that event rapidly flash through my head and I’m holding my breath in anticipation for what I see at the end of this life. Unfortunately though, it ends exactly where my current memory ends. I walk into that alley and wake up here. That explains how Ignis came to Earth, but there’s still no hint as to how I got here from Earth.

Wait, I’m adopted?! What the fuck??

Time resumes and as the coin reaches its peak it loses its upward momentum. It stops and begins falling back down, but in an instant a crow zips past and grabs the shiny coin out of the air. Wait, was it a crow? It could’ve been a raven. Cal if you took that coin I’m canceling our familiar contract.

I apologize master, but I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve been in the throne room for most of the night since the other side of the castle is far too loud for me.

My brain is so overloaded from all the new information I learned that I can do nothing but stare into the air at where the coin once was. I numbly reach into my bit pouch and pull out another coin. I set it on my thumb and prepare to launch this one but get startled by a voice in my ear.
“I think you and I are overdue for a conversation. Are you okay with that?”

“Holy shit!” All the sounds around me had turned into ringing so for a lone voice to suddenly appear right next to my head, it gives me a good startle. I turn my head and find Princess Cadence laying in the grass next to where I’m sitting. Everyone that was still outside is also staring at me due to my loud outburst. “Sorry, you startled me.”

“Yeah you were pretty zoned out. So, can we talk, Ignis?”

“Sure… yeah that sounds fine. Are we going to do it infront of Luna, Celestia, and the elements? I’m not sure if I want this much of an audience.”

“Of course not. Here, follow me.” She leads me out of the ballroom and I wave to Luna and the other as I walk out. I follow her into a nearby sitting room.

“Is this about-” I start to ask what we’re going to talk about, but Cadence interrupts me.

“About your love problem? Yes. I hear that you’re afraid to love, is that true?”

“In a roundabout way, yeah, I guess I am. I don’t want to fall in love if I know it’s going to lead to heartbreak in the future. Right now I’m not sure if it’ll lead to heartbreak, and that all hinges on 1 fact, 1 decision.”

“It’s all about if you can get back to your homeland, yes?” I give her a nod and she continues. “Well, I could sit here and preach about how it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, but I feel like you’ve already decided this. So, walk me through the decision instead. What are all the considerations you have and what are all the factors pulling you one way or another?”

For the next 30-45 minutes I explain both Earth and the Feywild, what I’d be leaving behind, what I had to look forward to, the people I wouldn’t see again. After that I explain all of the spells I’ve done that are heavily pushing me towards the opinion that I’m stuck here. Once I’m done I exhale a huge sigh and melt into the couch I’m sitting on.

“So I guess my first question is, if you find a way back home can you not just bring others with you? If you can go there then you should be able to come back, so why not just bring everypony along?”

“Because it depends on the method. There’s only one… maybe two more spells that I think would even be worth trying, and one of them has a 33% chance to become uncastable for me for the rest of my life. If I brought someone with me and then lost access to the spell then they’d be in the exact situation I’m in now. That same spell will likely be unavailable to me for a few years as well. It’s a very powerful spell that some go their entire life without learning.”

“Okay, that’s understandable. You have plenty of time to figure this out, so why is it weighing down on you so heavily?”

“Well a while ago I decided I’d have a decision by the Gala. I wanted to decide because the uncertainty of it all has been slowly eating away at me. I can’t reciprocate anyone's feelings until I make this decision, and I feel so guilty to keep leading them on like this. It’s slightly worse now after talking with Luna and Force tonight.”

“Why’s that, did they say something to you?”

“Luna talked about a hypothetical situation where I decide to end things romantically with everyone and dedicate myself to finding a way home. In this hypothetical situation a long time passes and I finally come to the conclusion that there is no way home, but all of the girls have moved on and no longer feel that way about me. If I take too long, Force might not even be alive. She asked if that would hurt worse than the alternative, and she’s right. Then not only would I be stuck here, but I’d be alone.”

“That’s…not the approach I would’ve taken, but I think I understand. She’s lived through that hypothetical scenario, Ignis. When I had my talk with her while you were out on a date with my knight, we had a long talk about love. A few thousand years ago there was somepony she grew somewhat close with, but was scared to commit or take things further because she knew he’d be dead in a few decades. Why fall in love if you’ll be subject to that pain for who knows how many eons? In the end she chose to never have loved at all. During her time on the moon she realized that maybe she wouldn’t have ended up there if she chose to have loved and lost. I think she just doesn’t want to see you go down the path she’s already traveled.”

“It didn’t end there. Later on all 4 of us got into an argument and they finally stopped being indirect and straight up told me I need to make a decision. Luna seems to think my mental state is deteriorating and if something doesn’t change I’ll die. Really though that didn’t change anything, I was already feeling the pressure. All that really did was annoy me, but I know it’s coming from a place of concern so I don’t hold it against them.”

Ugh, Auntie told them that things like ultimatums and applying pressure were not the correct way to go about doing things. “It might’ve been from a place of concern but I think it was still a bit too far. What did Force say to you?”

“She just explained that she was feeling frustrated, but that she knew she had no right to be angry. She empathized with my situation, but mentioned how guilty she felt because she really just wished I would hurry up and make a decision. I don’t want her to feel that way. Between me setting a deadline for myself for tonight, Luna making me realize that there’s a far worse outcome I hadn’t considered, and my own guilt about making Force feel that way…I have to decide, Cadence. But, wouldn’t I be a monster if I just let my parents think I’m dead and never go back to my world? Like how can I possibly decide something like this?”

“I’m sorry, Ignis. I don’t know how to answer that. I’m surprised my knight feels so strongly about this though.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well I mean her reaction just doesn’t make sense. If anypony should feel the way she feels it should be Aunt Luna. I’ve listened to Force’s life story and from what I can tell she falls hard and she falls fast, but for her to feel this strongly about something concerning you. It's a bit fast even for her. You must’ve really made an impression?”

Oh that’s what she means, I think I left out something important. “I don’t think she’s angry because of how she feels. She’s angry on Luna’s behalf. She called me a coward the first time we talked about this when we went on our date. At that time she was just angry because I was one of Luna's only friends and had I just sworn to serve her until I die. Then a few days later I admit I’m trying to find a way to get out of here and never see her again? Yeah I’d be pissed if someone did that to someone I knew, too. Honestly I was impressed she didn’t chew me out again tonight.”

I take a breath and hold up my hand so Cadence doesn’t reply just yet. “As for the impression? If I had to think of one action in particular it was probably when she got swallowed by that False Hydra. I decapitated the head that swallowed her and saved her from becoming hydra food. Well I guess I also did save her from the changeling hive. It’s probably a mix of those two.”

“I still think I need to have a talk with her as well, but that does make more sense. Well to me it sounds like your main stressor here is expectations. The expectations of the ponies around you, the moral and societal expectations about your decision. Things like “Isn’t it wrong for me to willingly choose to never see my family again?” or “How will the ponies I care about react to me saying I don’t care about them and plan to leave them as soon as I’m able to.” All of those types of thoughts are the main things that keep bouncing around in your head when you try to make up your mind, yes?”

“Kinda? Yeah I guess so. I just don’t want to let anyone down, and I don't know how I'm supposed to decide to never see my family again.” I stare down at the floor between us in defeat.

I feel a hoof on my shoulder and when I look up Cadence is giving me a sympathetic smile. “But Ignis. None of that is truly important, as harsh as it sounds. Ignore all of those expectations and standards. What do YOU want? What does Ignis Ferrum want to do?”

We sit in silence for a few minutes before Cadence stands up. “You don’t need to answer right now. I just wanted to make sure you were aware that you might not have even considered your own feelings, your own wants and needs. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go talk to somepony about peer pressure and another pony about tact and subtlety.”

I just continue to stare ahead, blankly, as she leaves the room.

What do I want?

3rd Person POV

“My dear knight and my fellow Princess. May I have a word with you?” A certain pink alicorn approaches a familiar grouping of ponies.

The alicorn and knight in question look at each other for a bit, and the knight recognizes that tone. Cadence is unhappy about something. The three of them walk off to an isolated area of the ballroom where Cadence erects a soundproof barrier. “Auntie told me all of you were going to come up with a plan for tonight to GENTLY help Ignis come to terms with his fate. So, where exactly in this plan did things go wrong? Because from what I heard you did not do anything even remotely close to gentle.”

“We never even made it to the plan. The conversation got brought up early and I was flustered. I realized after he left with you that… well, we messed up. I left the table to settle down my emotions because I knew I had no right to feel that way, but she royally bucked up.” Force replies as her ears droop down.

“....I did. I did exactly what I said I wouldn’t do.” I refuse to pressure him into that decision and make him think that he will lose us if he doesn’t give up on his home. “I don’t know what came over me…something he said just reminded me of the past. After that my mouth betrayed the rest of me, and I just let my emotions get the best of me. Did he return with you? I need to apologize to him.”

“No, I’m not sure where he is. I’m glad both of you know specifically what I’m talking about though. You should still apologize to him, but you should know that he didn’t hold any of it against you. Apparently he himself had decided that he’d make a decision by the end of tonight, but it seems to have taken him longer than he thought. It’s because of his own self imposed deadline that your pressure was not as impactful as it could’ve been.” Cadence replies and shakes her head in disbelief. “Honestly it’s so unbelievable how in the same breath that he explains what you three did he defends and excuses you.”

Neither Force or Luna have a response to that, so Cadence asks something that she was curious about. “By the way, if you were so against pressuring him to begin with, what happened while you three were planning that changed your mind?”

“After lunch we split up for an hour before meeting up again to have our discussion. During that hour break I decided to get the opinion from an unbiased third party. After I talked with him and he vehemently insisted that Force was on the right path. He agreed that an ultimatum was too far, but he told me that previous patients of his that exhibited some of the same symptoms as Ignis died within weeks. Some by their own hoof and some from the lack of sleep. He insisted that the sooner Ignis accepts his situation, makes his decision, and processes his emotions the better. Then after I brought up the potential regrets I was already flustered and I just kept hearing the stallions words in my head. I don’t want him to die Cadence!”

“Wait, previous patients? Who did you talk to? Surely you didn’t reveal information that you shouldn’t have to some random stallion.” Cadence asks Luna with an arched eyebrow.

“Of course not! It was his therapist, Dr. Sentiment.”

Author's Note

This isn't exactly how I wanted this chapter to go, feels like besides the beginning and the end of the chapter it was just a bunch of rehashing, but hopefully this can assuage some of the concerns and issues anyone has.

To be honest I could've probably just not included any of this Cadence shit and just let the last line of the chapter explain why they seemingly decided to do what they previously said they wouldn't do. It's not a huge deal though it's just a lot of content I hadn't originally planned on including but it doesn't change anything moving forward. I was able to cover about half of what I originally wanted to cover in this chapter, and the other half wasn't really effected in any way it just got delayed a bit. That's fine though.

If I was a better writer to begin with then I wouldn't have needed the Cadence scene to begin with, so it's definitely on me. If this was able to clear up any of the concerns then I'm happy you guys brought up those concerns. Cause there's probably other people with the same concerns that couldn't be bothered to leave a comment about it, so thank you for allowing me the opportunity to clear things up (hopefully).

:D Thanks for reading <3