Haygas Chaos

Haygas Chaos

By Kuroyami Fukaikuro

Author's note: Wazzup? Just something I came up with. I'm also using this to experiment slightly with how FimFiction works. Brace yourselves, weird shit's going down.

I sat in my room, staring at the paper in front of me. The paper that filled me with more happiness than anything else in the world (at the time).

It was... My math homework.

What can I say? I'm ASIAN. We're just drawn to this sort of thing.

So anyway, it was my pre-calc homework, and we had to find the sine, cosine, tangent, cotangent, secant, and cosecant of some triangles, as well as convert between angular and linear speed. And some stuff with finding the radians.

I know. Simple, right?

So anyway, I got that done, and put it away. I was finally free to enjoy my friday.
...
What? You don't do your homework on friday?

Anyway, as I put my stuff away and brought out my laptop, I heard a knock at my door. It opened, and my dad stepped in.

"Did you finish your homework?"
"Yes."
"Did you study for the SAT's?"
"Dad, I'm a sophomore. The SAT's aren't for a few years. And, it's friday."
"THIS ISN'T A DEMOCRACY!"
"...Yes, it is. We live in America. And if you were trying to get some sort of political/racial joke out, let me tell you; that would only work if we were KOREAN. Or Chinese. Or some other Asian country without a Democracy. But we're Filipino, and that joke doesn't work."
"...Fine. But you must get STRAIGHT A'S!"
"Yeah yeah..."

And that, my friends, was a conversation.

So, I started up my laptop and scanned the tumblr-verse for updates.
"Ooh, a Molestia update!"
Yeah.

After scrolling the -verse for a bit, I checked youtube.
When...

KRRAAKATHOOM!!!!!!!!!!

I turned around, and there, lying on my bed, was ~~the coolest guy in the world~~ a total douchebag.

"...Discord?"
"The one and only."
"Am I high?"
"A valid question, but if you were, then this vision would make sense, and there's no fun in that. But seriously, no, you're not high."
"Suuuuuuure. And Rarity's a whore."
"When she's offscreen..."
"I DON'T WANNA KNOW!"
"Fine, but it's some good shit. You're a 'Fanfiction' author, right? Could probably write some good 'clopfics'-"
"I said, I DON'T wanna know."
"Alright then."
"..."
"..."
"...So what do you want?"
"You wanna go on an adventure?"
"That sounds awfully pervy of you."
"Not like that, you hormonal nincompoop. I take you to Equestria, and you help me wreck some shit."
"That's it?"
"That's it."
"..."
"..."
"Which part of Equestria?"
"The City of Sin; Las Haygas!"
"So like, the pony version of Vegas?"
"If Vegas is anything like the hype, then yes."
"Gimme a sec to grab my weapons."
"Why would you need them?"
"If you were in my position, would YOU just go along with some random stranger?"
"I'm obviously not a stranger if you know my name."
"But until now, we haven't PERSONALLY met."
"Alright then. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Discord, Spirit of Chaos. And Disharmony."
"I'm Kuroyami Fukaikuro, Average Asian."
"So will you go with me?"
"IF I can bring my weapons. And if you answer this question."
"What?"
"Shouldn't you be imprisoned in stone?"
"That's ONSCREEN."
"I'll accept that. Let's go then."

I grabbed my katana from its stand on the wall, and turned to Discord.

"You got a portal or something?"
"You're damn right I do!" He said, holding up a familiar white gun.
"..."
"Alright, fine, here." He stuck his hand out and a portal of swirling darkness appeared in the center of the room.
"Allonsy!" I jumped through.

Haygas, Equestria
...But not yet.

"Where the fuck are we?"
"Language, Kuroyami! We are in the space between dimensions. Did you expect interdimensional travel to be instantaneous?"
"Yes."
"Well it's not. And it requires a lot of energy to do this, so I hope your happy."
"Will I need a pony form in Equestria?"
"Actually, no. Haygas is built on a well of ancient magic that makes everyone there into humans."
"That so?"
"Yes."
"Well, that's... Convenient."
"Indeed."
"One more question."
"Sure."
"You say 'Onscreen' like you guys are the ones filming the episodes, but isn't Lauren Faust the creator and all that?"
"We 'filmed' the episodes and then magically planted the ideas into the 'creators' of the show, because we wanted to spread our utopian philosiphies across the universe."
"I see. What's Blueblood like in real life?"
"He's actually a pretty nice guy. You know how I talked about Rarity being a whore?"
"Yes..."
"Well, they got together after the Grand Galloping Gala episode, and she's a lot... 'cleaner' now, if you get what I mean."
"Got it."
"Good. Oh hey, we're almost there."

There was a rift in the emptiness.

"Oh yeah, I should have told you, passing through the Rift always hurts for first-timers. A LOT."
"You son of a-" but then we passed through.

I can't really explain what it was like, passing through that Rift, but I'll try. Men, imagine the pain of being kicked in the balls. Now imagine that pain being spread all over your body, combined with breaking all of your bones. Women, imagine giving birth to roughly 132 children, consecutively, and that pain all over your body.
...
Yeah. Needless to say, I no longer have to fear torture of any kind.

Haygas, Equestria
For real this time.

I woke up, the pain subsiding. Looking around, I noted that it was pretty much the same as Vegas, but with more pony puns.
...
Did you expect me to name some? Well, I won't, because that's too much work.
...
Shut up. Just 'cause I'm Asian, doesn't mean I can't be lazy.

So we walked through the town, Discord in his human form. He pretty much looked like a hobo, but a hobo with class. He had a tattered brown suit-jacket with a lightly filthy white shirt on underneath. He wore slacks with tears in them. His shoes looked like they were made of leather, and they were frayed. His hair was a filthy brown with some dirt in it.

"You look disgusting."
"Whatever, mister 't-shirt, hoodie, and sweat shorts with no shoes'."

Looking at myself, I realized that I had forgotten to change before embarking on this particular journey.

"If you'll excuse me, I'm going to rob a clothing store." I unsheathed my katana and took two steps towards the closest store before bumping into another human. He had blue hair with streaks of a lighter blue in it. His clothes were pure white.

"Who're you?" he asked. "I don't remember you being part of the show."
"I'm just a visitor to this world."
"To this wo-" he noticed Discord. "Dammit Discord, I thought we told you not to bring fans over to this side!"
"I was bored."
"You're ALWAYS bored."
"I won't deny that."

I tried to move past him, but he stopped me. "Oh no, you're going back to your dimension now!"
"Piss off, wanker."
Discord spoke behind me. "You can't say that, you're not British!"
"Shut up. And you, white boy," For indeed Shining's skin was almost as pale as his clothes, "Stay out of my way. I don't wan't to hurt you."
"As if you could."
"Are you really a Royal Guard Captain in real life?"
"Yes, and most of the stories in the show are true as well. I'm really Twilight's brother, Nightmare Moon was really defeated, etc."
"FUCK THE POLICE!" I hit him with the sheath of the katana (in the head) and simultaneously kicked him in the ballls. He crumpled onto the ground. I entered the clothing store. I left in what I considered 'Vegas Casual'- A suit jacket with a t-shirt underneath and slacks. I also obtained some sneakers. Somehow. (Blah blah unrealistic blah blah convenience)

Shining was still on the ground as I left, but now a person who I could only sumrise as Twilight crouched next to him, helping him up.
He growled. "I'm gonna kill you!"
"Catch you later, Fuckass!" I ran and parkoured my way through the city, effectively getting myself lost. I stopped in front of what seemed to be a major food chain, due to the large line.
"Sugarcube Corner; Over 20 Million Served!" I read. The door opened, and a familiar voice called out.
"Sorry everypony, we're out of Zap Apple Cake!" The crowd groaned. "Sorry, but it's seasonal!"

As the crowd dispersed, I had the misfortune of being seen. I took two steps away-and bumped into the infamous fourth-wall breaker.
"You're new here! I know, because I know EVERYPONY. And ever since Sugarcube Corner went global, I mean EVERYPONY."
"You have an impressive memory."
"Mainly with names, and recipies. Speaking of names, what's yours?"
"It's Kuroyami."
She leaned real close, and her face darkened. "Don't lie to me. Tell me your real name."
I leaned closer. "Go eat Rainbow Dash."
She gasped, obviously understanding my statement. "You... Your'e a monster!"
I shrugged. "I'm only human." I walked away, her shocked face staring at my back.

I managed to make my way to a casino, the Lunar Lottery. (Alright, I told you a damn Pony Pun, are you happy?) The inside was magnificant. Discord walked up to me.

"About time you got here."
"Tell me... Does this place look as beautiful to you as it does to me?"
"Well of course. It's magically designed to appeal to each individual's eyes. The layout remains the same, but the design you see is specific to you."
"Okay then." I saw a familiar face, due to the fact that he made himself in Soul Calibur V (aPatrokolos ftw). "Excuse me..."

I walked up to him.
"Helghast?"
He jumped.
"Wha- how do you-"
"It's me, dudeimcool."
"Oh... So Discord brought you here too?"
"How many other people does he bring here?"
"Pretty much everyone who meets two requirements; they make pony related fan works, including fics, artworks, animations, etc. They also have to do something pony related to the videogames they play."
"Oh, okay then. Why videogames specifically?"
"If I had to guess, Luna had something to do with that."
"Oh... You wanna mess with the fabric of spacetime?"
"Nah. Oh hey, Twilight and Trixie are putting on a show at like six."
"Together?"
"Yeah. They're professional partners. Apparently, Twilight graduated from Celestia's tutelage YEARS ago. They still keep in touch, and she still practices more advanced magic, but she does this because it surprisingly pays well."
"Huh. I guess I'll gamble till then. What's the legal drinking age in Equestria?"
"Seven... In horse years."
"Well then, I technically clear that. 'Scuse me. Catcha later!"
"See ya online! You'll never beat Scathach again!" (INSIDE JOKE HA HA)

I gambled and managed to aquire a healthy amount of Equestrian bits. Then I turned and saw someone else. I didn't know them in person, but I knew of their work, and was a particular fan of A Change in Heart.
"Jexxazrez?"
"Who?"
"You know me as Kuroyami."
"Oh yeah! So how's The Lunar Revolution coming along?"
"It's... doing fine..."
"You're stuck, aren't you."
"No, I'm just too busy with schoolwork and other shit. And you should talk, 'Black Daze'." (MORE INSIDE JOKES WOO)
"Oh shut up, that wasn't even my best work."
"Whatever man. You goin' to see Twilight's show?"
"Of course. You comin to the after party?"
"Now that I know there is one, hell yeah!"
"Alright then. See ya there!"

Six 'O Clock, Equestrian Time

The show began. Twilight and Trixie performed magic beyond explanation. But that's not the important part of the story anyway.
Towards the end, Trixie called out. "I need a volunteer! If you can make Twilight confused in any way possible, you win 200 bits! If you lose, we take all the bits you have!" Three people volunteered. I was one of them. I thought calmly and carefully about what I would do.
The first one asked her a math question, college level calculus. Twilight sent him away withought his money. The second person asked, "Where was Derpy when Rainbow Dash wanted a pet?" Twilight, sent him away equally poor.

I stepped up. I asked, "If I make her emotionally confused, does that count?"
Trixie responded, "Yes."
I walked up and pulled Twilight into a deep kiss that lasted roughly six seconds. Afterwards, I whispered into her ear, "Je T'aime." Then I pushed her away from the close embrace and slapped her across the face before loudly proclaiming, "You disgust me. I never want to see you again." I began to walk away.
Behind me, Twilight asked, "A- Bu- Wha- What just happened? I'm so confused..."
I turned back to her. "I won the bet is what happened. Give me my bits." I recieved my prize and Twilight and Trixie closed the show, although Twilight was reacting slower, obviously still distressed.

We all went to the after party.

Pinkie was on stage with Vinyl Scratch. The crowd quieted down after receiving their alcohol. Wierd, right? Anyways, they seemed to be waiting for something.

Then...

Rainbow Dash crashed loudly through the glass ceiling. Upon landing, she loudly proclaimed,

I'm Fucked UUUUUP!

The crowd cheered and clapped, and Pinkie Pie loudly proclaimed,

If you not drunk fillies and gentlecolts (Vinyl Scratch: Uh Huh!)
Get ready to get fucked up, let's do it, ha ha!
PMFAO! (Pony My Fucking Ass Off) You know it! Li'l Scoot?!

Scootaloo jumped off of a table and screamed, YEAH!

Pinkie Again: All of the Alcoholics? Where you at? Let's go, AAYY!
Hey,
Hey,
Hey,
Uh huh!
Hey,
Hey,
Heeeeeyyyy, LET'S GO!

Celestia walked onstage. And sang.

When I walk in the club, (Pinkie is in parentheses(YEAH!) All eyes on me, (YEAH!) I'm with the pony rock crew, (YEAH!) All drinks are free. (ALL DRINKS ARE FREE!)
We like Ciroc, (YEAH! (alright I'm too lazy to keep doing Pinkie's part)) We love Patron, We came to pony rock, EVERYPONY IT'S ON!

And the crowd chanted with Celestia (me included);

SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS (etc.)
Pinkie: EVERYPONY!
SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS (etc.)

Braeburn (identafiable due to his hat and hair)and Big Mac (identafiable due to shut up) walked onstage and sang their part:
The mares all love us, when we pour shots. They need and excuse, to suck our c*cks. (Vinyl Scratch: SUCK MY HORN!)
We came to get crunk, how 'bout you, Bottoms up, Let's go round two!

Around this time, Twilight and Trixie found my table. The conversation, or what I can remember of it, went as follows:
Twilight: I challenge you to a rematch!
Me: NaMe YoUr, urrr, Stakes, and your, arr, game. (My inebriation should be obvious)
Trixie: A drinking game. If you last longer than we do, we'll give you 400 more bits. If you lose, well, we'll tell you then.
My drunk-ass self: I liKe those odds!

We drank to the chant;
SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS (etc.)
Pinkie: EVERYPONY!
SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS-SHOTS-SHOTS (etc.)

Apparently, I somehow managed to last longer than the both of them- and Princess/Casino Owner Luna, who joined in after we started.
I guess all those years of drinking Communion Wine was worth something.
However, they had both neglected to tell me where the money was in the case that I would win.
I vaguely remember searching their bodies for the money.
Apparently, they woke up as I did this.
I found Twilights money in the inside of her coat pocket. But as I started to pull my hand out, Twilight spoke.
"Don't stop now..." (Dear reader, please remember, we were all bat-shit drunk.)
I drunkenly continued to grope her boobs.
YOU MAD?

Then Shining Armor walked in, still pissed from me kicking him in the balls.
I guess groping his sister was too far.
Who'd have known?
He walked up to me and demanded that I "Get off" his "sister NOW!"
I drunkenly replied, "Calm down, she's enjoying it." But I probably sounded like, "hdflaekjfpeofulkegbjereoifl."
He tried to punch me, but I used the drunken fist and knocked him out. Then I carried him onstage.

Me: If you ain't getting drunk, GET THE FUCK (I threw Shining Armor out the window) OUT THE CLUB!

He screamed for the whole two story fall to the ground.

The room was silent for a couple of seconds. Then Helghast came on stage carrying Flim, and Jexxazrez came onstage carrying Flam.

Them: If you ain't takin shots, GET THE FUCK OUT THE CLUB! They threw Flim and Flam out the window.

Then Discord walked onstage carrying King Sombra (SEASON 3 HYPE).
Discord: If you ain't come to party, GET THE FUCK OUT THE CLUB! He threw Sombra out the window.

Then we all turned to the crowd and sang,
NOW WHERE MY ALCOHOLICS LET ME SEE YOUR HANDS UP! Everyone raised their hands.
It was amazing.

...

The party ended, and as I began my journy to my designated room on the third floor, Twilight stopped me. (Translated from bat-shit drunk speak)
"Hey...Hey you."
"What?" That's what we both heard, but what I said was, "Que?" Because according to witnesses (Discord) I speak in random foreign languages when I get bat-shit drunk.
"Instead of sleeping in that third rate room, why don't you come up to our penthouse?"
(People, please realize the difficulty of refusing offers when you're bat-shit drunk) "Ladno, ya poydu s toboy." (Okay, I will go with you.)
"Great!" She handed me a key and kissed me on the cheek. "Penthouse six."

I went to the bathroom.
Discord was there.
"So, how's your night going?"
"Bene."
"Eto tak?" (Is that so?)
"Da."
"Yoi, yoi." (Good, good.)
"Nē, anata wa hontōni kaosu no seishindearu ka, tsumari, gamen'ue dake de fukusū wa aru?" (Hey, are you really a spirit of chaos, or is that just more 'on screen' lies?)
"Watashi wa kaosu no seishindatta. Ishi no koto ni zentai tāningu wa ie usodatta. Watashi wa seishinka no tasuke o uke, watashi wa mae hodo kureijī janai." (I was a spirit of chaos. That whole turning to stone thing was bullshit though. I got some psychiatric help, and I'm not as crazy as before.)
"Pas aussi fou?" (Not AS crazy?)
"Non, pas aussi fou." (No, not as crazy.)
"Allora, siete ancora un po 'pazzo?" (So, you're still kind of messed up?)
"Ja, ich glaube." (Yeah, I guess.)

As if to prove his point, he fell onto his back, and slithered out the door.

...

I went to the penthouse. I entered, and...-

I don't remember what happened next.
Even if I did, I probably wouldn't tell you.
Why?
Because, there's gotta be SOME privacy on the internet.
...
I suppose I can tell you this. I don't remember WHAT happened, but I can remember a feeling from the experience. There's no way to describe that feeling as anything but Magical.
No, not just because I fucked 2 uicorns and an alicorn (based on the situation of when I woke up).

To Be Concluded,
In The Next Chapter.

Please review and all that good stuff.