Chapter Fifteen: The Return of Black Snooty

Celestia stared coldly through the bars of her cell at the smug faces of her captors. Like her sister in the cell next to hers, she was shackled at the hooves, her horn capped with a powerful magic sealing ring.

Evening Musk watched her from the other side of the bars, a triumphant smile plastered across his face. Bastion Yorsets stood next to him. Both unicorns were now clad in the ceremonial robes of the Order of the New Moon.

"Are you comfortable, Celestia?" asked Musk in a mocking tone. "The shackles aren't too tight, are they?"

Celestia ignored him, and turned her attention to the other unicorn.

"Bastion Yorsets," she said. "How could you do this?"

Yorsets looked down, avoiding her gaze.

"I might have expected this from Angsty McFuckpants over there," she continued, tossing her head disdainfully at Musk. "He was always a bit of a wanker. But not you, Bastion. I always assumed you had more class than this."

Yorsets cleared his throat, but made no answer. Celestia continued to stare him down.

"I still remember the first day you came to my school for gifted unicorns," she went on. "And even though you asked to be called by that incredibly stupid name, I could still sense greatness in you. Today was the first time you've ever disappointed me."

She shook her head sadly.

"Look at you," she said. "The youngest tenured professor in the history of the academy. If you'd kept your nose to the grindstone, you'd have been head of the school a decade from now."

"Hey! How come he has tenure?!" Musk demanded suddenly. He turned accusingly to Bastion. "When did you get tenure?"

Bastion shrugged.

"I've had it for awhile now," he said.

Musk turned his angry gaze back on Celestia.

"Why does he have tenure?" he demanded again. "How come I don't have tenure? I've been here longer than he has!"

"You could have had tenure if you'd wanted it," replied Celestia. "You wanted that stupid broom closet for an office instead."

"Broom closet? You told me that room was Star Swirl the Bearded's observatory!"

"No, I told you it was the broom closet," said Celestia. "That stuff about Star Swirl the Bearded is just a stupid rumor the older students tell the first-years; only you would be dumb enough to still believe it. And in any case, you can forget about tenure and your broom closet now! When this silly little farce of yours has played itself out, you'll be lucky if you can get a job teaching beginning levitation at a Detrot public school!"

Musk snorted angrily. Yorsets shrugged.

"Well, I've got tenure, so I'm safe either way," he muttered. Musk glared at him.

"The two of you have no idea what you've unleashed!" came Princess Luna's voice from the next cell over.

Musk laughed haughtily.

"You, of all ponies, should know exactly what I've unleashed!" he said. "I've unleashed a power that you could have wielded yourself, if you'd had the courage! The power of Nightmare Moon!"

"Nightmare Moon?" she scoffed. "You honestly think that...thing you conjured up is Nightmare Moon? The two of you are not only fools, but blind fools!"

Now it was Luna's turn to laugh haughtily. Celestia joined in with a mirthless chuckle.

"Mark my words, Evening Musk, Bastion Yorsets," said Luna gravely. "The thing you have unleashed will be the death of you both."

The alicorn paced up and down the meeting hall at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, flexing her wings. She felt...strange. She was herself, and yet not herself. She could feel terrible power coursing through her, power the likes of which she'd never even imagined, along with an insatiable thirst for chaos and destruction.

She heard a door open behind her, and turned. It was that unicorn, Bastion Yorsets. The cruel one, who had locked her in a cage. The one to whom Mommy had betrayed her. Wait, was that how it had happened? And who exactly was "Mommy" anyway? She was finding it hard to think. The other unicorn, Evening Musk, emerged behind him. Both of them bowed obsequiously.

"What are your orders, my Queen?" asked Musk.

The alicorn blinked.

"My...orders?" she asked.

"Yes, O Queen!" cried Bastion Yorsets, prostrating himself on the ground before her. Musk, annoyed at having been one-upped, quickly did the same. "What terrible vengeance do you seek to unleash upon the world that has shunned you?"

"Vengeance?"

The alicorn shut her eyes. Everything in her mind was blurry. Discordant emotions and memories were swirling around inside her, clashing and fighting for her attention.

"Yes, O Queen!" cried Yorsets. "What are your orders? Simply speak and it shall be done!"

The alicorn looked confused. Her brow wrinkled in concentration, as if there were something she was trying to remember. Yorsets and Musk looked at each other uneasily.

"Er..." began Musk. "I don't mean to give offense, O my Queen, but...do you mind if we stop groveling now? It's a bit uncomfortable."

The alicorn blinked, as if she'd forgotten they were even in the room.

"What?" she said. "Yes, fine; I don't care. I never told you to grovel in the first place."

The two unicorns breathed a sigh of relief and rose to their hooves.

"Now then, O Queen," said Musk, shaking the dust from his robes. "If I might make a suggestion, perhaps you'd like to begin by lowering the sun and raising the moon?"

The alicorn glanced out the window.

"It's the middle of the afternoon," she said. "Why would I want to do that?"

The two unicorns glanced uneasily at each other again.

"Well, O Queen," began Yorsets. "We had assumed that you would wish to...continue your holy vengeance against your sister."

"My sister? Vengeance?"

"Yes, O Queen," said Musk. "Do you not wish to banish the sun and raise the moon forever, bathing all of Equestria in a great and terrible night?"

The alicorn raised an eyebrow. Her mind was still in a fog, and these two were beginning to feel like a pair of mosquitoes buzzing around her head. How she wished she could swat them!

"Why would I want to do that?" she snapped.

"Er...because you are angry, O Queen?" said Yorsets uneasily.

"And why am I angry?"

"Because...for too long the ponies have relished and played in the day that your elder sister brings forth, yet they sleep through and shun your beautiful night?"

"And what kind of a silly thing is that to be angry about?"

The two unicorns exchanged helpless looks. Yorsets shrugged.

"Well, O Queen, I just think that if you were to raise the moon, it would show all of Equestria that their true Queen has returned..."

The alicorn took a deep breath. She gathered the powers within her, ordering her mind to be quiet. The fog began to lift, and when she opened her eyes, she saw more clearly. She regarded the two sniveling worms before her with contempt.

"I don't know what you two are jabbering on about," she snapped, "But I will do no such thing. Raise the moon? Banish the sun? Create eternal night? That would cause freezing temperatures and play havoc with the tides! Why would I ever want to do something like that? That's a stupid idea. You're stupid."

The two unicorns instantly threw themselves to the floor and began groveling again.

"Forgive us, O Queen!" cried Yorsets.

"We were impertinent!" cried Musk.

The alicorn rolled her eyes.

"And stop that groveling! It's annoying."

The two of them scrambled back to their hooves.

"There, that's better."

An uncomfortable silence descended over the hall.

"So..." began Musk.

"So?" snapped the alicorn.

"Well," he continued, stepping forward on trembling hooves. "We've successfully imprisoned both Princesses in the dungeon beneath the school..."

"Yes? And?"

The alicorn glared at him.

"...and, well..." he stammered. "...well, you see..."

"Out with it, man!"

"Well, we've imprisoned Celestia and Luna."

"Yes, I know. You just told me."

"...and, they're the Princesses."

"I know this too."

"...and, well, it's a treasonable offense. You know, imprisoning the Princesses. They...uh...tend to frown on that."

"And?"

"...and so, we've committed treason in your name, O Queen."

"So? Did I tell you to imprison the Princesses?"

"Er, no my Queen, we had simply assumed..."

The alicorn took a deep breath. These two were incredibly irritating.

"What is your name, worm?" she demanded.

"Er, my name? It is Evening Musk, O Queen."

"Well then, Evening Musk, do you know what happens when you assume?"

"Er...no, my Queen. I regret that I do not."

"When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me. Do you understand?"

Musk looked helplessly at Yorsets, who could only shrug again.

"Regrettably, O my Queen, I'm afraid I do not," said Musk.

The alicorn leered at him, a manic grin spread across her face. Musk shrank back involuntarily.

"When you assume," she hissed. "You make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. Do. You. Understand?"

Musk was now cowering against the wall.

"I...I believe I do understand, O Queen."

Suddenly, the alicorn threw back her head and began to cackle insanely.

"Excellent!" she cried, still cackling. "Then we understand each other?"

Musk and Yorsets exchanged a terrified glance.

"Absolutely!" cried Musk.

"There can be no question!" cried Yorsets.

"Good," said the alicorn.

She crossed to the other side of the hall, and stood gazing out of the window. Her little bon mot had invigorated her, and her mood had improved considerably. She turned to face the two sniveling worms again.

"So," she began. "If I understand it correctly, you have imprisoned the two Princesses in my name."

"Yes, O my Queen!" cried Musk.

"It is as you say!" cried Yorsets.

"And in what name did you imprison her?"

They exchanged another glance.

"Why, in your name, of course!" said Musk.

"The one true Queen of Equestria!" said Yorsets.

"The Great and Terrible Nightmare Moon!" finished Musk.

The alicorn waved a hoof disdainfully.

"Nightmare Moon, Nightmare Moon," she said. "How tired I am of hearing that name! If I hear one more pony say Nightmare Moon I will snap his neck, and order him dressed in petticoats and hung from the battlements in a totally degrading pose! My name is Black Snooty! Do you hear me? BLACK SNOOTY!!"

She threw back her head and cackled maniacally, black lightning crackling around her horn. The two unicorns immediately threw themselves to the ground and began to grovel.

"Stop that!" she snapped. "Stop that groveling! You were warned about that!"

"We're sorry, O Queen!" they cried, rising to their hooves.

"That's better," she said. "Now then. Ready my chariot! I think it's time that the ponies of Ponyville heard the word of their new Queen!"

"Er...Ponyville, O Queen?" asked Yorsets tentatively.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather make your first proclamation in Canterlot? It is the capital after all..."

"SILENCE!!" she thundered. "Who is the evil queen here, me or you?"

"You are, of course, Your Majesty!"

"Then do as I command! Ready my chariot! We are going...TO PONYVILLE!!"

The citizens of Ponyville stood gathered in the town square, watching uneasily as the coal-black alicorn stood at the podium, ranting and raving and making bizarre demands. She was surrounded on all sides by her retinue, a group of ponies clad in strange black robes.

Scootaloo galloped through the crowd, weaving around the adult ponies, until she found her friends at the front near the stage.

"Hey, girls!" she said.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle glanced at her.

"Oh, hi Scootaloo!" said Sweetie Belle.

"What's going on?"

"Pyx turned into some kinda alicorn," explained Apple Bloom. "And she threw the Princesses in jail, and now she's takin' over Equestria!"

"Cool!" exclaimed Scootaloo.

The three of them leaned forward to hear what was going on.

"...and from this day forward, anypony who forces anypony else to eat a pine cone shall suffer a wrath most terrible, and she will be violated over and over with pineapples and coconuts and other assorted tropical fruits, and she shall be cast thence into the darkness, where there shall weeping and gnashing of teeth!!"

Pyx, or Black Snooty as we must now call her, slammed her hoof against the podium for emphasis. She glared out at her confused subjects, a manic expression in her eye.

"...and henceforth, this day, the day of my ascension, shall be known as a day of celebration! Every year, on this date, you will all don silly hats, and render sacrifices unto me..."

"Uh..." whispered Sweetie Belle. "Is it just me, or does Pyx sound a little crazy?"

"I think it's just her time of the month," whispered Apple Bloom. "She is an adult now, after all."

"Wait, is she an adult?" asked Sweetie Belle.

"Well, I assumed so," said Apple Bloom, a puzzled expression on her face. "I mean, look at her!"

"Yeah, but she doesn't even have her cutie mark yet!" said Sweetie Belle. "Have you ever heard of somepony becoming an adult overnight without even getting her cutie mark first?"

"Oh yeah, I guess that doesn't make much sense..." mused Apple Bloom.

"Oi! Scootaloo!"

An unfamiliar, heavily accented voice suddenly rang out from somewhere behind them. The three fillies turned around. A stallion and mare were slowly pushing their way through the crowd. Scootaloo's face lit up when she saw them.

The stallion, a thickly-built earth pony with a brown coat and dark purple mane, stepped forward and gave the little filly a hug.

"How are yeh, Scootaloo? How's moi favorite daughta?" he asked.

"Uh, I'm Sweetie Belle," said Sweetie Belle, pulling herself out from under the stallion's powerful foreleg. "Scootaloo's over there!"

"Oh, roight," said the stallion, looking at where she pointed. "Sorry about that, Scoot! Boy, yer shootin' up like a weed! I barely recognized yeh!"

"That's okay, Dad!" said Scootaloo, running up and hugging the stallion.

The mare, a lanky, peach-colored pegasus with a blond mane, stepped up and hugged Scootaloo as well.

"We're Scootaloo's parents," she explained to the other two fillies. "My name is Mane Allgood, and this is my husband Snap Shutter. We've just returned from an expedition in the Forbidden Jungle."

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle exchanged a confused look.

"Cool!" said Scootaloo enthusiastically. "So, uh, are you guys home for good now?"

Snap Shutter reached down and rumpled her mane.

"Nah," he said. "We jes came back to get some supplies and take care of some business in town. We gotta head back out tomorrah!"

"Oh." Scootaloo's face fell.

"So anyway," he said. "How's the old house holdin' up? You didn't burn it down or anything did yeh, yeh little rapscallion?"

Scootaloo's gaze dropped to the ground.

"Uh, the bank foreclosed on it, actually," she said. "I live in a cardboard box in the park now."

"Oh, crikey!" exclaimed Snap. "Sorry about that, Scoot! Guess we forgot to make a couple of payments, eh?"

"I told you to mail those checks!" said Mane. The two of them laughed.

"So, eh, how's your cardboard box holdin' up then, sweetheart?" asked Snap Shutter.

"Well, actually, it has a hole in the roof..."

"Oh. Well, you can patch that roight up with some Flex Seal™!"

"Maybe...you could show me how to do it...?" asked Scoot hopefully.

"Sure, squirt," said Snap Shutter, ruffling her mane again. "We can prolly take care o'that as soon as we......ay, who's that kooky sheila up there, anyway?"

He pointed to the stage, where the alicorn continued to rant and rave.

"That's our friend Pyx," explained Sweetie Belle. "Only she's calling herself Black Snooty now. I guess she's the new Queen of Equestria or something."

They all paused for a moment, listening to Black Snooty's speech:

"...and for all of these reasons, from this day forward, tacos shall be illegal!" she cried. "And, in addition to these new laws, every third Saturday of the month shall be a day of backbreaking labor for all of Equestria! You shall construct unto me a statue in mine likeness, that shall be forty thousand cubits high, and it shall be covered with gold, and bejeweled..."

Snap Shutter and Mane Allgood exchanged a worried look.

"Crikey! Your friend seems a little bunta, Scoot," said Snap. "I'm thinkin' maybe we should cut our visit short."

He looked to his wife for confirmation, who nodded quickly. Scootaloo's face fell again.

"Don't worry, dear," said Mane. "We'll be back in...eh..."

She trailed off.

"...we'll be back as soon as we can, love," finished Snap.

"Right," agreed Mane.

Snap gave a light nod, and the two of them began to hurriedly make their way back through the crowd.

"If yeh need anythin', jes talk to yer aunts!" called Snap over his shoulder.

"Wait!" called out Scootaloo. "I don't remember where they live! Can you give me their address at least?"

"Sorry love, can't hear yeh! Best of luck to yeh though! And don't forget to patch up that hole with some Flex Seal™!"

The two of them disappeared into the crowd. Scoot stood staring at the empty space where they had been for a few seconds. Then, she turned to her friends, puffing her chest out proudly.

"See?" she said, in a rather smug tone. "I told you I had parents!"

Author's Note

Fact: Scootaloo's canonical family sucks worse than the crippled orphan backstory the fandom gave her.