Chapter Sixteen: Look on my Works Ye Mighty

*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

Apple Bloom banged her hoof against the table.

"This meetin' of the Cutie Mark Crusaders is now called to order!" she said. "Sweetie Belle, any old business?"

"We still don't have our cutie marks," said Sweetie Belle.

"Noted. Scootaloo, any new business?"

"Pyx is the Queen of Equestria now, so we need to find a new fourth member."

"Noted. Alright, let's deal with the old business first. What can we do to earn our cutie marks that we haven't tried yet?"

Sweetie Belle skimmed over the list she had in front of her.

"Uh, it looks like the only things we haven't tried are lion taming and blood spatter analysis."

Apple Bloom frowned.

"Hmm, well, maybe we should deal with the new business first then," she said. "Okay, who should we nominate to be our new fourth member now that Pyx has ascended to godhood and become Queen of all Equestria?"

Sweetie Belle took a sip from her juice box and swallowed.

"I nominate anypony but Twist." she said.

"Second," said Scootaloo.

"Third," said Apple Bloom. "Motion passes with a unanimous vote. Alright then, so it won't be Twist. Who should it be? I think we should consider Lemon Pledge. She did a real good job playin' Chimney Sweep #4 in that play we did."

"No way, Lemon Pledge sucks!" objected Scootaloo. Sweetie Belle nodded in agreement.

"Okay," said Apple Bloom. "Who do you think we should pick?"

"Do we even need a new fourth member?" asked Scootaloo.

"Yeah, I mean, even though she's Queen of Equestria and stuff, Pyx hasn't technically resigned yet," added Sweetie Belle.

Apple Bloom thought about this for a moment.

"Hmm," she said. "Even though she's a grown-up alicorn now, she still doesn't have a cutie mark. Don't you girls think that's kinda weird?"

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle looked at each other, and then nodded.

"It is pretty weird, actually," remarked Sweetie Belle. "I've never heard of a blank-flank adult before."

"It is weird," agreed Scootaloo. "You'd think if she became Queen of Equestria, she'd at least have gotten a cutie mark for it."

"Maybe she's not very good at rulin' Equestria?" Apple Bloom suggested.

"Actually, I don't think she is very good at it," said Sweetie Belle. "She made all those dumb laws about tacos and public broadcasting that everypony hates. Plus, I heard my dad talking to my mom about how Pyx was running the economy into the ground."

Scootaloo nodded vigorously.

"Yeah, I heard that too," she said. "Rainbow Dash was saying that her social welfare program is just a huge giveaway to smelly foreigners, and if she doesn't bring interest rates down she's going to drive us right into a recession!"

"Yeah, Rarity said that too," said Sweetie Belle.

"Wait, you're allowed to talk to Rainbow Dash again?" asked Apple Bloom. "I thought she had a court order."

"No, Pyx overruled it," said Scootaloo.

"Oh. Well that was nice of her."

"Yeah, it was," confirmed Scoot. "But other than that, I don't think Pyx is doing a very good job. At least, I think everypony liked it a lot better when Celestia and Luna were in charge. When I was at Sugar Cube Corner the other day, I heard some ponies talking about staging a bloody coup! Pinkie Pie even said that Pyx should be...uh, wait, what did she say again? Oh yeah: she said that Pyx should be 'publicly drawn and quartered!'"

"That's awful!" exclaimed Apple Bloom. "We can't let that happen to our friend!"

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo nodded in confirmation. A gloomy mood settled over the clubhouse.

"Hey!" exclaimed Sweetie Belle all of a sudden. "Maybe we could help her!"

"Yeah, that's a good idea!" said Scootaloo. "If the three of us and Poochie put our heads together, we could probably figure out how to govern Equestria!"

"We might even get our cutie marks for it!" Sweetie Belle added excitedly.

"Yeah, but how do we get in to see her?" asked Apple Bloom. "Applejack was tryin' to get an appointment to make a petition, and she said Pyx is booked solid for the next six months!"

Scootaloo blew a raspberry and waved both hooves dismissively.

"Oh, come on Apple Bloom!" she scoffed. "We don't need no stinkin' appointment! We're the Cutie Mark Crusaders! All we gotta do is sneak inside the castle somehow!"

"Hey, you're right!" said Apple Bloom. "There ain't nothin' we can't do if we put our minds to it!"

"Yeah!" said the other two in unison.

"Let's go on Friday," suggested Sweetie Belle. "That way we can make it a sleepover, and we won't have to wake up early for Pyx's forced labor program on Saturday!"

The others agreed that this was a fine idea.

"So it's unanimous," said Apple Bloom. "We infiltrate Canterlot Castle, and help Pyx rule Equestria!"

She banged her hoof against the table and made it official.

In the Great Hall of Canterlot Castle, Black Snooty sat on her throne, a goblet of wine levitated before her. She swirled the liquid around in her mouth, grimacing slightly. At the foot of her throne, a pegasus, wearing the black robes of the Order of the New Moon, stood holding his breath.

"Er...is the wine to your satisfaction, My Queen?" he asked finally.

Black Snooty glared down at him in irritation. Then, she spat.

"This is awful!" she proclaimed. "You must have done something to it!"

The pegasus immediately fell prostrate on the floor, groveling.

"N-no, my Queen, never!" he cried. "I-it's Pone's Farm, j-just like you asked for!"

Black Snooty raised a disgusted eyebrow. She hated it when these knaves groveled like this, but she'd given up trying to correct the behavior. She took another sip from the glass. Perhaps there was something about it she'd missed?

She spat. No, she'd been right the first time; this stuff was just awful. Why had she wanted to try it? Somepony she'd known, somepony from that murky and distant past she couldn't quite remember, had guzzled this swill by the gallon. Who was that pony? Why did the name Pone's Farm fill her with such happy nostalgia? Every time she tried to remember certain things, she felt as though her mind might split in two, and it provoked her temper.

"I don't believe you!" she snapped at her underling.

"P-please forgive me, y-your M-majesty," the pegasus stammered. "I swear that this is only the finest--GAAAK!!"

He was cut off in mid-sentence as Black Snooty levitated him into the air and snapped his neck. She tossed his lifeless corpse into the corner, on top of a large pile of black-robed pony corpses.

"Musk!" she barked.

Evening Musk, also clad in the black robe of his order, stepped forward, trembling slightly.

"Yes, O Queen?"

"I think this knave is trying to poison me. Here, taste this!"

She passed him the cup. Musk took a sip and grimaced. Black Snooty watched him carefully.

"Well?" she demanded.

Musk made a face.

"Well...it tastes like gnat's piss, your Majesty, but I don't think it's poisoned."

Black Snooty breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oh, good," she said. "For a second I thought somepony was trying to poison me. Where is my cup-bearer? I owe him an apology."

Musk glanced uneasily at the pile of corpses.

"Eh...well, you...er...already chastised him, O Queen."

Black Snooty blinked, then looked towards the pile of bodies. By Jove, he was right: there was her cup-bearer, right at the top.

"Oh, nerts!" she cried. "I always do that! Me and my temper!"

She laughed. Musk chuckled nervously.

"Anyway," continued Black Snooty. "It seems I'm in need of a new cup-bearer. See if you can find somepony."

Musk's horn glittered, and he floated a scroll out from a pocket of his robe. He scanned quickly down the list.

"Eh, well, that may actually be a problem, O Queen..."

Black Snooty frowned.

"I don't like problems," she said. "Problems and I tend to clash. What exactly is this problem?"

Musk glanced uneasily at the pile of corpses again.

"Well, O Queen, it's just that...the Order of the New Moon is...running a bit low on members of late."

"Oh, is that all?" Black Snooty breathed a sigh of relief. For a second she'd been worried that the problem might have had something to do with a zombie uprising. "Just recruit some new ones, then."

"Well, that...may be easier said than done...O Queen."

"Why?"

"Well...it's just that..."

The Queen snorted contemptuously.

"Come on, out with it man!"

"Well, it's just that recruitment in the Order has been...down lately. It seems that word of your...eh...temperament...is discouraging ponies from signing up. We've also suffered...a bit of, er, attrition in the, er, present ranks."

Black Snooty pouted.

"Oh, pooh!" she said. "What a bunch of babies. Well, I suppose it can't be helped. Maybe add some incentives or something; see if you can't make membership a bit more attractive."

"Er...does your Majesty have any suggestions?"

"Oh, I don't know; use your imagination. Give everypony who signs up a Plot Topic gift card or something."

"Uh, well, that...may be a problem, O Queen. I've received word that the treasury is, er, running a bit low of late..."

Black Snooty leaned forward, outraged.

"What?!? Why wasn't I told of this?!? Where is my Finance Minister?!"

"Er, I'll summon him at once, Your Majesty!" cried Musk. "Yorsets! Yorsets, get in here immediately! The Queen demands a word!"

He began frantically tugging on a bell cable near the throne. A short time later, Bastion Yorsets galloped rapidly into the Hall.

"Um, your Majesty has summoned me?" he asked timidly.

"What is the meaning of this?!?" demanded Black Snooty.

Yorsets glanced uncomfortably at Musk, and then back at the Queen, and then back at Musk again. Musk shrugged helplessly.

"Um...the meaning of what, your Majesty?"

Black Snooty furrowed her brow.

"I...don't remember. Musk!" she turned her blazing reptokitty eyes on her cowering minister. "What is the thing of which I need to know the meaning?"

"Er...the treasury, O Queen?"

"Right. The treasury." She returned her attention to Bastion Yorsets. "Yorsets! Musk informs me that the treasury is running low. I demand an explanation!"

Yorsets began fumbling with the hem of his robe.

"Well, your Highness, it's because you've spent nearly all of the money that was in it..."

"What do you mean?!?" she demanded. "At the beginning of my reign, you told me we had millions of bits in there!"

"Well, er, we did, Majesty, but well, you see, there have been expenses..."

"What expenses?"

Bastion donned a green accountant’s eyeshade and went over some figures.

"Well, you remember that forty-thousand-cubit tall statue you commissioned of yourself, the one made of solid gold and encrusted with jewels? That ate through quite a bit of it. Then, there was that rather large sum you gave over to that Zebrican prince who sent you that letter; we're still waiting to hear back from him. And then there is your Majesty's corpse-disposal budget, which is unusually high compared to previous administrations..."

Black Snooty waved an impatient hoof.

"Enough!" she cried petulantly. "Just tell me how much is left!"

"Er, in the treasury, you mean?"

"Yes."

"Well..." he squinted at the figures. "Er, I'd say...about four."

"Four?"

"Yes, four."

"Four what? Four million?"

"Eh, no."

"Four thousand?"

"Um, no, Majesty. Four. Four bits." He squinted at the ledger again. "Oh, wait; never mind. With that jug of Pone's Farm you just purchased, we're actually in the red now. The amount in the treasury is negative five bits."

"Absurd!" she cried. "I demand to know the meaning of this!!"

Yorsets shrugged helplessly.

"Well, Majesty, I'm afraid the meaning of it is that Equestria is insolvent."

"What does that mean?!?"

"It means we have no money."

"Why?!?"

"Because you spent all of it."

"Then just put some more in there!"

"I'm afraid it doesn't work like that."

Black Snooty howled with rage. The two unicorns cowered before her. She drummed her hooves angrily against the marble floor and glowered at the stained-glass windows that lined the Hall. The images of Celestia and Luna seemed to be mocking her. However had they managed to make this job look so easy? For that matter, why had she even wanted this job in the first place?

"I thought you said you were a professor or something!" she exploded suddenly. "You said you had tenure!"

"Er, well, yes, I do," stammered Yorsets. "But, as I've told you repeatedly, my area of expertise is ancient Equestrian sorcery, I'm not an economist--GAAAAAAK!"

Yorsets cried out suddenly as the Queen levitated him into the air and snapped his neck. Evening Musk winced and looked away.

"Oh, pooh!" cried Black Snooty as she tossed the limp corpse onto the pile. "Now, on top of everything else, I need a new Finance Minister! Musk! See if you can find somepony who wants the job!"

"Er, I will do so immediately, O Queen!" stammered Musk. He cleared his throat. "Um, there is, however, a somewhat more urgent matter that requires your attention..."

Black Snooty groaned. Why were there so many urgent matters? Why did all of them require her attention? Ruling Equestria with an iron hoof was proving to be such a tedious chore. Sometimes, she wished she could give all of this up, and become a simple foal, romping around freely in the schoolyard...

"Oh, very well," she said resignedly. "What is it this time? Another wretched peasant petition?"

"Oh, nothing like that, Majesty!" he assured her, his expression brightening somewhat. "In fact, I think this might actually please you. You see, the guards intercepted an intruder in the castle earlier today."

"An intruder?" the Queen's ears pricked. Torturing the various dissidents and assassins who tried to infiltrate her fortress of solitude always did tend to cheer her up.

"She says she knows you," continued Musk. "In fact, she's been demanding an audience with you all afternoon. Very loudly and drunkenly, I might add.”

He had Black Snooty's full attention now.

"Send her in!" she commanded.

Musk bowed.

"As my Queen commands," he said. He turned around and barked at the guard by the door. "Go and retrieve the prisoner! The Queen wishes to interrogate her!"

The guard saluted, and ran off to carry out the order. A short time later, a pair of soldiers entered the room, escorting a purple unicorn who was weaving unsteadily between them.

"Ged yer hooves off me!" she mumbled, swatting at one of the soldiers with a foreleg.

She listed unsteadily to the side, stumbling into him. She looked up at him, rubbing her head against his withers.

"Mmm, yer kinda cute," she mumbled with a grin. "Mebbe some dime you an me can mrrmbmbllemrmph..."

She trailed off, and listed to the other side.

Black Snooty sat up alertly in her throne.

"I know this unicorn!" she cried.

She felt a sharp pain in her forehead, and she winced. Disjointed images flitted across her eyelids: memories of a different time and place, when she had been somepony else. Yes, she had known this unicorn; Twilight Sparkle was her name. However, it was more than that. She'd been close to this pony, she'd even called her...she'd called her...

"Oh, *hic*, loogy here!" slurred the unicorn, snapping Black Snooty out of her thoughts and back into the present. "Loogat lil' miss, *hic*, lil' miss high and mighty!"

Twilight Sparkle stumbled forward, nearly tripped over her own front hooves, steadied herself, and pointed an accusing foreleg at Black Snooty.

"You thing yer preddy great, don'tcha?" she demanded. "Loogat you. Loogat lil' miss fanzy-pands, *hic*, lil' miss high an' mighty! Lil miss fanzy-pands, too, *hic*, too busy rulin' Equedsdria to givver mudder a call!!"

She stumbled forward again, lost her balance, and fell face first into Black Snooty's chest. When she looked up again, she was crying.

"Ah'm sarry!!" she mumbled. She rose unsteadily to her hooves again, and then threw her front legs around Black Snooty in an awkward embrace.

"AH'M SAAAAAARRRY!!!!" she wailed, sobbing. "Bud...bud we had sum good dimes, didn'we? Sure, I...I wuznd always a grade mudder, bud...bud...bud we hadsum good times....right...Pyx? An...an even if you are Nighdmare Moom, I still...I'm still yer mudder Pyx..."

Twilight buried her face in Black Snooty's chest fluff and blew her nose in it.

"Hey," she said, back on all fours again but still stumbling. "Are you...are you gunna dring dat?"

She pointed to the open bottle of Pone's Farm that was still sitting next to the throne.

"Er, no. You go right ahead," said Black Snooty, who was now busy dabbing at her chest fluff with a handkerchief.

"Thangs," said Twilight. Without further comment, she levitated the bottle to her lips and chugged its contents in a few long gulps. When she was finished, she looked up at Black Snooty again, tears running down her cheeks.

"I...I was a good mudder, wuzzind I...?" she mumbled. And with that, she collapsed onto the floor and immediately began snoring.

For several seconds, nopony spoke. Finally, Evening Musk cleared his throat.

"Er, what...would you like done with her, Highness?"

Black Snooty was watching the unicorn slumber with an odd expression on her face. When Musk spoke, she started and looked up, as if she'd forgotten he was there.

"What?" she said. "Oh, I don't know. Nothing I guess. Let her go."

Musk raised an eyebrow.

"Highness?"

"What?" snapped Black Snooty, clearly annoyed. "She hasn't done anything wrong. Scrape her off the floor, put her in a wheelbarrow or something and have one of the guards escort her home."

Musk looked uncomfortable.

"Er, forgive my impertinence, O Queen, but...are you certain that's a good idea?"

"Why would it not be?" she snapped.

"Well, it's just that, she is the bearer of the Element of Magic, Highness."

"The Whoozit of Whatsit now?"

Musk sighed.

"Highness, were you even paying attention during the orientation slideshow I presented when you began your reign?"

"Of course I wasn't! Have you ever sat and listened to one of your own slideshows? I'm surprised you didn't end up putting yourself to sleep!"

Musk sighed heavily, and cleared his throat.

"Your Majesty, the Elements of Harmony are a set of very powerful magic talismans. During your Majesty's battle against your royal sister one thousand years ago, she used them to banish you to the moon. Upon your Majesty's return, they were again used to thwart your ambitions, this time wielded by the very unicorn who lies prostrate on the ground before you.”

“You’ve just been dying to use the word ‘prostrate’ in a sentence, haven’t you?” Black Snooty muttered, drumming her hooves and looking bored. Evening Musk ignored her and continued.

"Twilight Sparkle and her friends are each a Bearer of an Element of Harmony. Twilight's is Magic; the others are Honesty, Loyalty, Kindness, Laughter and Generosity. When the six Elements are used together, they have the power to topple your reign yet again. This malevolent mare is a grave threat to you, Majesty, and I would beseech you to--"

Black Snooty groaned aloud.

"Great googly-moogly, but you are an absolute bore to listen to!" she cried. "Fine; if it's that big a deal then just...oh, I don't know, throw her in the dungeon or something!"

"Highness, I really would advise you to just kill--"

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!!" she thundered. The outburst took Musk completely by surprise, and he tumbled backward head over hooves.

Black Snooty calmed herself and sat down.

"You will not harm her," she said. "If these Elements of Whatever are really that big a deal to you, then you may imprison her in the dungeon to prevent her from using them. However, you will not lay a hoof on her without my permission, on penalty of death. Is that understood, knave?"

Musk swallowed.

"Yes, your Majesty."

"Good. Now leave me."

Musk bowed and trotted out of the room, silently thankful that he finally had an excuse to go. One of the guards left and came back with a cart, and they busied themselves with transporting the unconscious Twilight Sparkle to the dungeon.

Black Snooty watched the slumbering drunken unicorn until she'd been carried out of sight, an odd, contemplative expression on her face.

Pyx? she thought to herself. Was that what she called me? Why do I feel as if I know that name?