Fallout Equestria: Burdens

Chapter 10- Lapse

“Drowning…”

My eyes are open to it, and my heart is with her.

I can see what it did to her— feel what it’s done. The light of her being; the thread of her existence; her piece in the great symphony… Dimming out; unraveling; flaking off; crystalizing; reducing…

— It won’t erase her —

Those words— my words, my feelings, feed the thing inside. The very idea of everything to do with her. It still claws with every fiery clasp raking along its way out until it’s nothing but me.

This isn’t just what I’ve kept under lock and key; it isn’t just fear of confession. It's an actual dread for what’s come alive, and I can feel it when those urges and yearnings creep up on me.

I thought it was just me imagining things— trying to put a picture to something mundane and nonsensical, but the fear is always the same. It’s still with me, chilling my bones to the core to see the very thing staring up at me as I look inwards.

Cool as embers now; smaller than the pyre that it sat on. It stares up at me, with a broken Enclave mask in its hooves turned to dust in its smoldering grip, consumed. It’s face…

—It won’t hurt her—

—They won’t hurt her—

—None of them will hurt her—

—Ever again—

—Find her—

* * * * * *

“Avie!”

Her name is like adrenaline in my veins. Everything screams, desperate for release. I can feel it in my body— the unraveling going through her— getting more intense every second, “Let me go! Let me go!”

“You can understand me, can you?” A mare’s voice— not Avie.

The leather along my hooves bites into me, trying to keep me from her. That’s why I’m here— it’s the only reason: they are keeping me from her when she needs me more than anything. It gets bigger and bigger in my mind; the whirlwind inside getting closer and closer to an explosion I can’t keep inside anymore, “I’ll kill ya! I’ll kill all of ya!”

They speak in that fucking tongue. They can speak all they want, but I won’t stop. They don’t understand— they won’t even if I screamed it.

“I need to see her! Let me go— I need to see her now!”

I can feel it from here; I can see the unraveling. Her thread gets thinner and thinner with each passing moment; her song is dying, and it’s taking her with it. My hooves thrash against the restraints, and they bite harder into me. I try to get back at them, but the handlers try to keep my head down.

Something pinches at my neck, becoming a cold throb that courses throughout my body from that point of contact. Everything becomes even blurrier than before, and the raging drum in my ears slows with my breathing. The restraints stop biting as my limbs grow heavy and cozy-like.

A voice becomes echoey, speaking in split-tongue. I can’t make it out as the words shrink and fade into obscurity.

~~*~~

I smell the salt in the air, and eventually hear a soft crashing sound in the distance. It stirs me awake, and it’s the only noise around me in a cozy little hut with everything we need. I check my bedside to find her sleeping soundly, her face full of content, a faint smile to her lips.

Something about being so close, like nothing can hurt me anymore. She can sleep all day, with the blankets bundled up into her chest, and all I can feel inside is a fuzzy warmth that caresses and soothes the worry. I don’t even need them, anyways.

As quiet as a desert roo rat and with the caution of an EOD Specialist, I slide my hind hooves off the side of the bed. It creaks; I freeze. Over my shoulder, she’s sound asleep. Good…

I try again, and the creak is a little louder. The bed conspires against me, damned thing won’t let me go quietly. Guess I have to be quicker…

Three…

Two…

One—

I’m pinned in place, held down by white wings wrapped around me. Her face is buried into the side of my neck where she lets out a small muffled chuckle, coming up to my ear, “Got you.”

I was so close, so fucking close to doing… something, and now I’m trapped by angel’s wings. Can’t help but smile, “Damn it.”

“Better luck next time, Ward,” She squeezes a little harder, and she drags me outside into the sands. It plumes up around us, a fine gritty cloud getting everywhere. I don’t even have my clothes on, but I can’t be bothered. It’s just the two of us, after all…

I pull myself up to look out onto the ever-stretching blue horizon of sea and sky, seeing and feeling the breeze waft over the two of us. That salty air really makes the mind spark, leaving nothing but warm fuzziness and an inkling of wonder. I can stare at this all day and wonder just how great it must really be…

“Is it everything you hoped for?” Avie asks right beside me.

A lazy smile comes over me, and I get to thinking about it. “Soft, rolling water; clear skies above; a gentle sun that doesn’t want me dead… I don’t think I’d share it with anypony else.”

She sits up right next to me, “You think there’s a place out there just like this? Without the radiation? Without the small things that will tell us the world’s still… less than what it used to be?”

The dimming sun in the passing clouds tells my mood, plainly. I don’t think I need to say anything more than what my folding ears will say on the matter, either. “It’s just a dream.”

“Maybe it doesn’t need to be one. Maybe we can go looking for it together.”

I take my deepest breath, letting all of the salty sea air in to lighten my mood on the matter; hoping it does. Everything feels like it’s wilting on the inside. Things like this, I can’t help but think about how quickly it slips away, like this sand between my hooves.

Too fast…

“I’d want that. I owe ya.”

I feel her lean on me, her nuzzles riling tears up in my eyes. None of them fall; none of them will. “You still have time. I’m still here… I’m still there.”

Yeah… Yeah ya are… I wrap my foreleg and a wing around her, bringing into my embrace as gently as I can. My heart pleads for me to tighten my hug, to give her more like before. Something in the back of my mind tells me not to, and then the clouds move in with a chill; callous, venomous. My blood runs cold as I hug Avie tighter for her warmth. There’s only sand…

“No. No!” I stare at the destroyed sand mound, unable to take my eyes off it. I try desperately to bring her back, building the mound back up only for it to collapse every time. My mind screams every time it does, hoping the next time she’ll be right there like she just was.

The cold comes in full force, turning everything gray— from the water to the sun overhead. The wind picks up, forcing me into a self-contained huddle as the once soft sand turns into little needles of ice piercing through my coat.

“Avie! Avie, where are ya?!” The wind roars in defiance, drowning my words out. I scream her name again, and I’m thrown off my place on the shore. My cheek burns to no end. I get up to look over the horizon, and the cold, cold sun shining through the overcast takes on a seafoam green color.

In the churning sea, amidst the foam rising over the caustics I see her, “Avie!”

She doesn’t turn around, and she’s so far out— like a post in the water, staring out at the odd-colored sun. It hurts to stand with every pour of my body screaming till they bleed, but I need to. The blood in my veins is icicles, but there’s something more rising up inside; something that keeps things flowing and giving me what I need to push forward.

Winds kick up to keep me from using my wings. Every attempt forces me back into the sand, harder every other time. I try to move into the frigid waters, keeping her in my sight, pushing forward as the sky darkens and the current goes against my legs. The further I go, the harder the undertow goes against me; the thicker the water becomes; the harder the wind howls and lashes against my skin.

“Would you do the right thing, Ward?” I hear her voice as if she was right besides me, but she’s still out there in the waters— her back against me.

I don’t understand… “I don’t understand—” I lose my stance and plunge into the heavy water. It gets into my eyes, mouth, forcing itself down my throat as I grasp at the air just above my head. Thrashing, gurgling, lungs are set ablaze and desperation pulls me back to the surface. The sky is abyssal— not a star, and only the odd-shaped, seafoam green moon staring down at us. Avie is still there, a white silhouette against the dark horizon.

“Do you love me, Ward?” She asks, with a waver in her voice that ties my stomach in knots. The wind lashes, tearing my body open with vile disgust and drowning my cry out with its howls.

The warmth of my own blood pouring out from the gashes in my skin doesn’t last. It seeps out like syrup and hardening into rubies in my fur before it even hits the water.

“I need you to say it,” She asks, demanding even. Something’s wrong with her voice, and I hear it in the wind this time. “I need you to tell me.”

It’s a lot to— it isn’t a lot to ask. It is, but— I can’t—

The cold wind whips at me several times more, rending and cracking my skin away into the water; my screams growing louder than the last for every one of those kisses.

“It’s not that hard,” Her voice isn’t even hers anymore. It’s bitter, older than before. My skin begins to crawl with the realization creeping up on me. “Do not make this any harder than it needs to be. Just three little words. Three little words to make it go away.”

No… They’re not just three little words. They’re more than that to me. I know what will happen, and it will happen like before. I— I won’t…

The cold grabs me by the face— burning it all the while. It pulls me out from the water, puts my eyes on ice until they feel like they want to explode from the jelly freezing inside them,“You ungrateful little shitstain.”

I scream— try to scream. Nothing comes out. My wings won’t work; I still haven’t learned to fly, yet. I can’t breathe no matter how hard I try; I can’t cry even if I wanted to, but the panic takes hold in my chest and my brain.

The pressure around my head starts to tighten with the terror throughout my body. My mind starts to race— firing off anything that can help me like a wild microspark cell. The longer it drags on, the louder the desperation becomes in my head: Say something— Apologize— Be good— Momma— I’m sorry— I’M SORRY—

“I’ll be good! I’ll be good, I promise!” I scream, trying again to fix my horrible mistake. They’re not worth a damn anymore, and she drags me along the cold metal floor that scrapes and nips at my fur.

“How dare you lie to me,” she spits. “I try and I try, yet you always find a way to make me hurt you. Do you think I want this? Do you think I want to have to deal with the ungrateful likes of you? Well, maybe Steely can.”

“No! No! Not Steely, No!” I thrash against her hold on me. “I promise I’ll be good! I promise! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I— I love ya, momma! I said I love ya! Please!”

Please work… Please, please work… She pulls me up, and the metal monster stares into me with soul-shaking, orange eyes. Its whole back opens up, and I’m lifted over it. A cold black abyss stares up at me, hungrily waiting; licking its lips at my sweating desperation.

“NO! NO! PLEASE! MOMMA! NO! NO!” I don’t know what to say. I’m saying all I can! She’s not listening— she never listens— I never listen! I can’t— I don’t want to— “PLEASE, MOMMA! PLEASE NO—”

Her grip vanishes over the scruff of my neck.

I plummet like a rock, my voice lost to terror as the dark swallows me whole. Her icy blue eyes disappear in the maw of the metal beast, becoming a stranger, sinister color that vanishes completely.

My coltish screams bounce back, seizing my body and keeping me fixed. I can still cry out, plead for momma to let me out of Steely, but she won’t hear me. Through two little orange windows I can see her staring back at me, and leaving the room. The door closes, and all goes still, but my breathing picks up.

Every second becomes longer; every breath makes time go slower. The creeping worry and horror agitates every question that pops into my head, making each one louder than the last. When will she come back? Will she ever come back? What if I have to go to the bathroom? When will she let me out? Will she forget me this time? Am I going to die? Will she know if I die?

I try moving, but my body’s too small and too weak to make it move, even a little. Something sharp digs into one of my legs, tearing all the way up the side of my shin. It throbs with my crying, and I feel it weeping red down the servos underneath. She’s going to kill me for this…

The suit creaks. My babbling cries catch in my throat. I try looking around through the orange windows. Is there somepony there? Did she really leave? “Come back! Please, come back! Momma! Please!”

A horrible metal squeal shakes the suit and knocks me around. Everything feels closer than before, and it is harder to move. There is something wrong.

I try to move, and something else cuts me again from behind. Another metallic shriek, and my right foreleg is pinched too tight between the mechanisms. The servos are sinking teeth into my leg, and I can feel every part of me getting pulled, chewed, and crushed through a grinder. My throat goes raw from the painful screaming. I try pulling away and get my other foreleg trapped in another hole that holds on too tight and starts to do the same as before.

Everything is a cascade of impossible feelings— all of it hot, gnawing, and throbbing beyond what I should be feeling. My screams do not do it justice, and my attempts to pull away from it— to not feel it, anymore— only get my other legs caught, and then my little wings.

Steely has me, and he’s not letting go. He’s coming in all around me; the air getting smaller and thinner with each passing breath until my skin becomes the metal pressing into every nook, cranny, and angle that is my body. The orange lenses blink at me as I cry my heart and stomach out, getting closer and closer. They open up, and two pin-points of eternity stare into my very being.

My tears freeze against my skin, and my muscles turn hard as crystals inside Steely. The thought and want to… What… What was I supposed to be doing, anymore…

Those pin-points, staring back at me, let me go.

The world forgets me, and I sink into a dark place.

—Promise—

What promise?

— They will not take her—

In the cold, empty void, a star comes to me. It glows that familiar seafoam green, pulsing light like a heartbeat with its rough, uneven face glistening every which way.

—What is a shield—

My body is mine, again, but the pain still lingers. I can’t get up from the cold abyss. The rock… My talisman… rolls itself over to me.

—What—

—Is—

—A Ward—

Every part of me is torn up, but I can still manage to move my hoof towards the rock. The only thing that’s been with me for as long as I can remember, and I do remember the name… I do remember its meaning… I remember… Who gave me the name, for the times she needed me…

She needs me…

—She needs me—

My reaching, broken hoof is crushed when I finally touch my treasure. There isn’t a scream to give that my body can outdo, and I writhe. I look up and see that Enclave mask…

That horrible, wretched Enclave mask just staring down at me! It cocks its head and reaches for the talisman. The comforting glow turns sour, and it pulses through its shadowy form. A low, enthused groan emanates from the specter.

"It is true…”

That’s my voice, but it’s not…

A cry shakes my heart, and I yell at the figure, “GIVE IT BACK!”

Something shoots through it like a surge of energy. A foal’s cry echoes out into the emptiness as it’s shoved away by an unseen force. My talisman falls back to the ground right in front of me.

“How…”

I finally grab it with all the strength left in my mangled forelegs, and my face is slammed back into the solid void beneath me. A cold, raking itch spreads from the back of my head, seeping in. First there is darkness, and now there’s truly, absolutely nothing but the bedrock of all reality in my vision. Nothing can be felt but the slightest twinges of pain resonating throughout my body; everything so cold, it’s burning so small.

My vision, overtaken, by the eyes of eternity level with mine. I can’t fight back, even if I tried. The thought— the want— feels so far out of reach, I don’t think it exists anymore… Did it ever exist?

“One closer… Seven lost…”

The specter pulls me closer to itself, drawing its blistering cold appendages around my face. Rupturing pangs that should be there feel so far down a dark tunnel, I can hardly say they are there. It vanishes moments after a while.

“We asked how… Maybe… Maybe the wrong one… Maybe the wrong demand…”

Those eyes stare back into me. Something like a growl emanates from it, and the inky black wisps against the dark visibly writhe.

“No… Still don’t understand… What—”

The prodding, caressing silhouette erupts into an off-colored flame. A baby’s cry— a dragon’s shriek— a howling abomination— all the sounds of distress come from the shape in the dark. The fires tinkle like glass instead of spit and crack, and the shadowy mass writhes against them as they overtake their body.

“Different… Not like before… Damn it all! Damn it—”

It goes out like a whimper, and the talisman slides towards me without a sound. I can feel something warm coming from its pulsing light. I need to hold it close. Picking it up, it burns brighter and my hooves start to split open from the inside, all the way up my forehooves.

The light from the talisman dispels the void and a white emptiness is left behind. The weight of it shifts. I look down at my rending hooves and find a pair of aviator goggles, instead. It smells like burning leather, and one of the lenses is cracked.

In the light, I see amethyst eyes staring back at me, pleading.

—Find her—

Something inside is stirring, like a stormfront inching closer to where it needs to be.

—Find her—

Fear starts to take hold. This thing is now up and pounding at my chest, demanding to be let out. I hold myself in and try to push it down. It’s too strong; it’s too crazy. What—What even is it—

—FIND HER—

The blood in my chest is boiling. Every heavy breath comes out too hot for me to handle. My vision is getting blurry, wet, and so very cloudy red. I want it to stop— I need it to stop—

I need it to come out…

Thinking that has something clicking, like it was always something that meant to be. That little feeling, soft and reassuring, is overtaken by a hurling maelstrom of fury erupting from within. All the thoughts I didn’t want; all the feelings I wanted hidden… I can’t keep them in, anymore…

—I NEED TO BE HERE—

—I NEED TO BE THERE—

—I AM WHAT I NEED TO BE—

—FOR HER—

The faintest tune rolls through me. It’s strangely familiar— homely and smelling like… Like cream of vegetable soup, green apples, and a cupcake. For a moment, the horrid outbursts settle down, and then burn hotter out of me when the warming song trills like a sick claxon. Something’s wrong… Something bad!

My sight tears through the blank reality, taking sharp turns in a place I don’t know. I’m blitzing through vague shapes with bright eyes, beyond walls— out in the open—through dugouts and trenches into a lone room where the song is loudest.

There, over her, is another specter in that horrible, fucking mask.

“Such a pretty song…”

Every sense of my body jumps seeing those cracked lenses stare right back at me. From its form, something vaguely like a hoof reaches out towards the source of the song: a colorful, dancing thread coming out of the mare on the bed.

It touches the cord; the song starts to distort and discolor; the mare on the bed starts to convulse and cry out.

Her screams make me writhe, and the last part of me— too afraid of what’s coming— are destroyed. There’s no more fear, only the raging force inside. Her pain and suffering fuel it, become it…

It’s violating her… I won’t have that… I will not stand for that…

Leave her alone…

It’s still standing there, only giving me a passing glance as the song continues to suffer; as Avie continues to writhe at its mercy, unable to defend herself…

LEAVE HER

ALONE

—FIND HER—

~~*~~

A terrible scream is all I can produce. Everything is hot, and the world starts to lose its features until they’re nothing but abstract shapes made of smoke and wisping light.

They try to keep me down, and their yelling becomes frantic. There’s a flash of a needle, and I bite back at the one holding it. Something hits me on the other side and I meet them with my forehead until something snaps like plastic. That same worried noise is going off, and it flies into a panic— leaving me where I am. The bed still holds me while the world shifts to the left and on its side. A metal scream goes off all around me, blaring and blasting— trying to drown out the harrowing rage that needs to be heard.

They won’t hold me here… They can’t hold me here— They can’t hold me!

Won’t hold it in, anymore…

Not now!

–NOT NOW–

It smells like burning leather, and my hooves are free. I stumble along the floor and run.

I can see the way to her, and I follow it with all the speed I can muster. The closer I know I’m getting, the harder I run.

They come at me with all they have. I know they throw what they have at me from the front, from behind— it doesn’t matter. They can’t keep me down, and some are thrashed as I tear through their attempts to keep me away.

The hardest part is not killing them… Every fiber in my being wants to because of what they are doing. I can’t… I won’t. It will doom them… It will doom them all…

—Nearly—

—Killed—

The urge is biting at me from inside my blood, and every crack between the smallest parts of me turns to ice.

—Unraveling—

Everything becomes a smokey blur. The walls are plumes of the haziest smoke, but I can see where I need to be. I can see it getting dimmer; becoming that horrible, fucking light!

The wall comes down. They are gathered around the light streaming from her.

“How’d it—”

“Keep back!”

“Don’t let it get closer!”

All their voices overlap— mare and stallion—

—All Damned—

—All Tainted—

—Gone—

—It—It’s staring at me from inside her light. Those goggles in that shadowy facade weaving itself into her, dragging her into the Curse. She’s writhing as its malicious touch creeps up her body…

—No—

I lunge for it, but the voices try to get in the way.

—Get back—

“GET BACK!”

They scurry like rats, but the shattered visor still stare as she starts to whimper and cry out. I lunge and tear at it— the smoke pulling away and wrapping itself around my hooves.

Hardly a struggle…

—Not fighting—

—Can’t fight—

—Only a memory—

Her light looks fresher, but I can still see it in her. The Curse, pushed back, but still a part of her. I look down at those shattered visors still in my hooves and close myself around it—

The dark world stumbles, and the floor almost comes at me. My shoulder is gone, and a splitting pain roars from an absence that vanishes as soon as it arrives. —DAMN YOU ALL—

There are so many of them now. So many little points of light funneling in, making a barricade of themselves around me. They can’t have her… —They can’t have her—

“LEAVE US ALONE!”

—Leave us alone—

“It talked. It fuckin’ talked!”

“Sands preserve…”

The howling maelstrom of fire and rage tempers, but doesn’t go away. It’s in my eyes, casting cold light on all of their faces. They are in front of me, and Avie will always be behind me.

—Protect—

—Need to—

One of these fuckers pulls away from the crowd. Their eyes are covered, and they blend in with the rest— but I can still see them for what they are, the motherfucker—

“Listen to my voice. I know you can.”

The voice is plucking at my strings. Every thought rattles in my head, and I shake myself for control.

“You can understand me, can you?”

Like talons on a chalkboard… The maelstrom is rolling throughout my body. My head thrashes to get it out.

“Answer me! I know you can!”

—Yes— The word rips from my mouth like a hook. It’s too hot to speak…

Was… Was that me?

“Listen to my voice! Come back to us!”

—OUT OF MY HEAD— They can’t keep me from her. I know what they’ll do, and they won’t take her from me. They won’t leave her like this, and they won’t take her away!

I roar against the commands and let the fire burn hotter in response.

“Do not do this! Please, stand down! Stand down!”

The words are fighting me to bend the knees. It’s my body— it’s my mind! How dare they…

One of them approaches, and everything glows a fierce, cool color. A rumbling is in my head, and I see their face… Too many swirling stripes to give me a headache.

“ You know who I am. You know who that is behind you. You are… You are protecting her, are you not?”

A sensation along my back brings out a roar— Behind— It dies when I see those amethyst eyes staring back at me. The smoke in my eyes clears, and the light becomes a white pegasus on the table.

“Avie…” Don’t look at me like that… Why—Why— Why are you… “Why are you looking… at me… like that?”

Her eyes, so full of hurt and disbelief— somehow twinkle, faintly, with something like hope. She reaches for me, trying to tell me something. It’s barely a squeak.

She… She looked at me like that… She… She never— Am I—She yelps in agony, and her hoof plummets like a rock. I leap for it, but I don’t see my hoof reaching saving hers. It’s something smoldering, crusted and cracked. That’s not mine… It can’t be mine… Couldn’t…

The bellowing in my chest cools. Wisping things all around vanish and settle into distinct shapes. The noise in my mind settles as the cracks in my hooves fill with her touch, and the nasty things fall off like ash.

“You’re okay…” she tells me, weakly, giving me her best smile. She’s okay… but why does it hurt so much? Why am I, more than anything, wanting to claw my eyes out for feeling like they’ve gotten too big for my sockets?

I can’t stand on my own hooves anymore, and I don’t want to let go of hers. As I fall, my talisman plops out right in front of me.

I want to say it… More than anything, I want to say it… I can’t… It eats me up inside, and I know all I need to do is let it out— but I can’t…

Not now…

Not with how she is, now…

In the dim light of the room, I can see what’s left of the Curse. It pierces faintly through her body, like ghostly vines creeping up the hoof I hold; her soft white coat, tarnished and bruised. Feathers having to the wayside, sickly and withered like ash. They become something like that when touched.

How can I tell her now? How can I tell her… How can I—

“Ward?”

The voice is behind me. I can hear her for who she is— that strange accent and reassuring tone. “I thought I knew your voice… Sta… Sta…Sta-Gona.”

“We are here for you. For the both of you.” She tells us.

I know what the signs mean. Avie has the first of them, and that means… It only means—

Something doesn’t feel right. It’s not just my legs… My ribs are like they’re made of glass holding a very loud and eager bird, chipping away at me from the inside. The strength in my muscles wither, and my vision becomes gray and clouded with every thump.

I can’t even pull myself forward, but I try to keep myself as upright as possible. There isn’t even anything in my lungs for a scream, only a weak, ebbing sigh while the world pulls me to the ground.

There should’ve been a hard thud, but something soft catches me— something like a bed, or a hammock. A grayish blob comes into my vision, and it waves something in front of my eyes.

“What he did… He did…” Her words are like they’re coming from a pipeline. She’s closer than that, but somehow so far away. What is she asking? Are they the same sentence, or are they completely different things?

“D—” There isn’t enough strength to even speak.

“...how is she?” She asks.

I can’t say anything, but my thoughts are as loud as my words would be. They yell, demanding an answer. I can’t even hear that; my body won’t let me perceive anything beyond a growing, numbing ringing in my ears.

It’s a conspiracy. It has to be… I want to know what will happen— I want to know! Why can’t I just know! I have a right! It’s her life on the line!

The cold facts of affliction come to mind, and they lay themselves out flat like the manuals they came from. The only mercy for those in the first stages of Curse Affliction: “mercy.”

Mercy… ‘A shot to sleep; a fire to set ya free…’

Please tell me she’s okay...

Please say something…

Say just… something…

Distant noises far down the narrowing tunnel, so muffled. There are two of them, but I can’t tell what they are saying. The worst comes to mind, and I want to cry out and keep them from her…

It’s not in me. I want it to be there, but it just… Why isn’t it there?! Where is my strength?! Where is my voice?!

The blob reaches across my vision, and the only thing that is not gray, is a familiar, warm seafoam green light.

I can see Avie in the back of my mind. The constant smiles; hugs and presence that can warm all the way through. They want to wither and gray. I try to preserve it in my mind— the color of her eyes; the light of my dark world, but it hurts too much. I’m burned every time on the inside, and her face starts to rot and peel away like an old painting— exposing the truths that force me on my knees, force me to watch the cold reality of where we are now.

Her screams… The terror in her eyes when that thing cornered her; my name coming from deep within her heart when she couldn’t do anything…

The fire inside is so cold. I still feel it festering. Everything up to now, peeling away and leaving deep, gushing wounds that won’t stop…

I couldn’t do anything…

I— I should’ve…

It’s…

It’s who I am…

What am I, if I couldn’t stop it…

* * * * * *

Between the curtains, things bleed through the dark…Becoming me…

A brilliant light, at the beginning of it all… Hurts too much to watch, and it wouldn’t be ignored…

A gentle world beyond, among a great carpet on the “right” side of all things… It’s pull, too strong…

Ripped away… before it closed…

Drowning in infinity, too many things— too many sensations— none of the likes of…

Too much… All of it, is too much… Pouring into my awareness, becoming too big… Too full of light… Too loud a song… Too much order… Too full of chaos… Too much…Too much…

Realms within realms… Dreams that are not mine… Crushing me… Pressing into the center of my center, hardening all around…

Stars… Suns… Sky…Clouds… Every single one… Faster and faster… hotter and hotter… closer and closer…

Foundation…

A great quake… A dark flash… bleeding and rippling around… This noise barely beginning…

It still hurts… Beyond me, all of it… To know, what shouldn’t for me…

Shutting myself out, into myself… Partly me and partly this new, obnoxious, hurtful reality… I can dream my own dreams… Tune out the noise that is not mine…

Still there… So close… Behind the veil that is always there…

Home…

My home…

* * * * * *

A familiar, rocky ceiling greets me as a shock slams through my chest and forces a deep breath in and out of me. The air is hell on my lungs, and I feel everything itching on the inside. Every cough makes it worse, and I can’t stop it even if I tried.

My body can’t stop fluttering, and every uneven jerk makes my heart leap uneasily inside. Everything about my skin and coat doesn’t feel right, like it’s hugging me too tight and every subtle movement will make something tear. Even my wings… My wings don’t even feel like they are there…

A growl comes from my stomach, followed by a stabbing pain that eases and skewers right through me. It leaps up like it wants to desperately leave my body; thinking about it makes it worse.

I smack my lips, the throat is unbelievably dry. The tongue is nothing but a rough carpet, and everything else is a barely sticky mess that makes swallowing feel like something that will kill me.

An instinct pulls my attention to the right of me. A fruit bowl sits there, and a pitcher of water. The array of colors coming through the gray in my vision, and the water glittering at me, make my stomach twist the knife. I take an apple to make it stop.

The skin and chunks of it cling to everything. The juice seems to make the dry mouth worse, and everything else is a rough ride down the gullet. A large gulp of water helps everything down. Should have started with that, first…

It hurts to feel my stomach get filled with something, but I press on through the discomfort until it stops. First the tart green apples, sticky dates, and finally the barrel-shaped fruit left over. None of them had seeds, and that just makes the experience as easy as it can be.

The bowl’s empty, and my stomach still feels like a painfully bottomless pit. There’s nothing but the water left, and the thought of drowning the feeling out comes to mind. It’s still there even after forcing so much of it down my throat, forgetting to breathe.

There’s cramping, a bubbling urge to burp where it feels like everything will come out if I give it the slightest chance. I coil up, lay on my side to keep it in, until everything settles inside and I find the confidence to move about without the fear of something coming back up.

A ditty source of light comes over me. Circling overhead, a little glowbulb dims itself to something more warm and soothing. Some part of me thinks it helps, but… Hrm…

This place, this bed and room… It hits me like deja vu as the pain dulls and withers away. I’ve been here before, and the more I hold it in my mind and let it pass along it clicks. When it does, a pit starts to open up again from inside: full of anxiety that yearns to get worse with each passing second.

Avie…

Her name pulls me upright and off the bed. Everything feels more distant than it should; limbs feel stagnant and numb, still, but at least I’m not falling flat on my face or my back. Just like last time, there’s nothing under the sheets but the real me— bare and shameless. My face feels so hot it may as well be on the verge of peeling skin with a thought creeping in my head. However long I was out, whoever had to look after me… I hide myself, from myself and look to the bedsheets. They’re coming with me…

The cold metal door to the room, still wedged into the rockface, doesn’t seem to budge. There isn’t a means to open it— no handle or button to press. Tracing my hooves along the edge of the door, I’m a little weirded out by its existence. Some parts of it are cold steel-feeling, but it somehow gets to a point where there isn’t that but smooth rock. The glowbulb comes around as I try to get a better look at what it is, and the dispelling shadows in the crevasses make me think they are one in the same.

It’s gotta be some kind of magic… Something like that…

I put my ear to the door, and it kisses me on the side of my face with a cold shock. Should expect to hear nothing, and there isn’t anything but the blood pumping through my ears to the drumming of my heart.

What am I even doing?! There’s somepony out there that needs me!

My hoof pounds on the door as hard as my current strength can allow. It’s dense, and I don’t think any sound made it through. I look down and find a slit where a much more yellow light comes into the room. It flickers every now and then, but I can’t tell if it’s a trick of my imagination or if there’s somepony actually there…

I put myself as close to the dusty floor, pushing as hard as needed to get as clear a view as possible for what’s outside. It’s still not crystal, but I keep my ear trained on anything going on outside. I could probably hear a rat’s fart if I tried, but there is nothing.

My memory stirs. Wildcat comes to the forefront of my mind, and my nose starts to sting and pulse; the smell of blood hanging in my sinus. “Hey, who’s there? Can ya hear me?!”

I swear to myself that the stirs off to the right is more than just a trick, or maybe just the irritating dust kicking up into my eye with every breath. The last snort throws up a good sum, and I pull back to rub out all the grit. It takes a while, but it eventually clears up.

“I’m back at the Mountain, am I?!” I call out to whoever’s listening. “When did I get back?! How long have I been here?! Where’s Avie?!”

Another stir from the back of my mind. It’s fuzzy like static, and something hollow is in the heart. Whatever’s supposed to be there, it feels too distant to even connect with. Somehow there’s the smallest pang of longing and regret, growing numb like I just can’t be bothered no matter how much I prod myself with what amounts to questions starting with “why.”

Please… Please be okay… I don’t believe. I won’t start now. I can’t let it go from my mind or my heart. I need to say… something… It’s the only thing that can come to me, and the only thing that wants to come out like it will fix the issue. Like anything could be listening now…

The thought makes my skin crawl to no end as it makes me feel… vindictive? Just plain angry? More or less the idea, I guess.

The door opens so suddenly. I back away from the familiar face in front of me. Her soft eyes don’t waver, and her reassuring smile in that brown-accented facial mark opens a little bit. “I’m glad you are up. I was… beginning to worry.”

Stagona steps inside, taking the time to look back beyond the door before inviting herself in— bringing a cart of sorts with her full of so many things. The glowbulb dances around her head, illuminating all the jewelry in her headpiece. She grabs the orb, brings it to her lips, and lets it up to shine brighter than before. Deja vu…

“How are you feeling?” She asks.

“I’m—” My tongue suddenly wants to twist itself in knots. So many things that I want to talk about, all wanting to rush out at once through an opening so small.

“Hmm?” She asks, pouring hot water into an earthen cup.

“I’m— this isn’t— I mean—We… made it?”

She finishes the pour and gets her mouth free, “Yes. Both of you.”

Both… Both! “Ya mean she’s—”

She nods, but there is no smile in it— and that starts to twist my stomach up a little on the inside. I wanted relief, but what little of it there was in it didn't come around. A hollow density fills me up on the inside, so strong that I backpedal enough into the bed and rest my haunch on the edge.

“But… But she made it. We made it!” Saying it out loud, hoping that what I’m feeling inside just turns into something better. It doesn’t. Somehow, wanting to say it louder with more gusto and passion—hoping that it would change that— it just doesn’t. It won’t… Why…

Stagona’s hooves find mine and she guides them together, putting between them the earthen cup from before. I expect the pungent smell of dirt water, but instead there’s a new— more fruity fragrance being carried in the steam up to my face.

“Drink it,” she says, “Before we do anything, please drink it. It will help.”

Help with what, exactly… “Help with what?”

Stagona finds her seat. She focuses on me, giving me a look that doesn’t help the dread that lingers on the edge of my mind. The silence hanging in the air makes my neck stiff, and every fiber pops with the slightest twitch. My joints are shocked, tingling with every passing second with a jolt that amps with every tick in my mind.

All of my focus locks on the smell from the drink, her words, and I bring it to my lips. It burns everything it flows over, but the warm earthy sweetness steadies the nerves. My mind breathes with my lungs, in spite of the eagerness still poking and prodding me. At least its hot iron is much cooler than before.

Those brilliant orange eyes still look on, and I need more of the drink to help its magic. I down the rest of it in one go, leaving nothing inside the cup.

“Say something,” I ask softly. “Tell me what I want to know— ya said ya would. The drink’s gone.”

Her eyes dart around so subtly. They stop and focus back on me, “I believe… it would be better if I showed you.”

“Show me?” I echo.

“That is what you would want, right? To see her?” She clarifies.

I didn’t expect that. I thought there would be more stops along the way— more questioning to get me anxious. Or maybe she already saw that. There’s something else in her eyes… sadness? It’s bothering me way too much, and I’m wanting to back away from the situation. I swallow it all, holding my chest like my hoof would quiet the thumping.

“Would you want that, after all? Would it help you to see her?” She asks, again.

I swallow, but I can’t say anything. I nod instead.

She gets up from her seat and reaches for the lowest tray of the small cart she brought in. It’s a folded pair of simple-looking barding that she sets aside on the bed. “I hope they fit.”

* * * * * *

Tick…

…tick…

…tick…

Don’t do this to me. Please, please don’t do this to me.

Tick…

…tick…

…tick…

You’re a sick bastard. Every step, you get louder; every breath, you threaten to stop my heart with the crushing weight on my chest. The hall gets longer. The sand underhoof becomes looser, threatening to suck me in and drag me under. Why are you doing this to me?

Tick…

…tick…

…tick…

You can’t keep me from her. I was given the opportunity to see her, and I’m taking it. Nothing else matters— I need to see her, myself. With my own eyes.

Tick…

…tick…

…tick…

I meant what I said. Whatever it does to me… It can’t be any worse than what’s happened to her, and not knowing is only making it worse. It won’t make it better, and I still fight myself on that. I want to believe things are alright… but if I do, then I’m no better than every Enclave sap back at the Cage.

Tick…

…tick…

…tick…

I won’t feed a fantasy. I don’t care how blissful ignorance is… It will only numb the pain that has the right to be here…

Tick…

…tick…

…tick…

Please—

“This way.” Something else. A mare’s voice— Stagona’s— saves me from drowning inside. I can finally breathe, and I notice a gilded rock face at the end of the small hall in front of us, behind the zebra. Veins of goldish color spread throughout and all around us, pulsing and glistening with soft light in the dimly lit corridor. Is it my imagination? A trick of the light? There are no glowbulbs around to convince me it’s them causing it.

“We call it ‘Orichalcum,’” Stagona explains. “The Mountain is imbued with it.”

“Are we almost there?” I ask. The perpetual twinkle of the veins is too distracting. I can’t stop trying to rub the glare out of my eyes.

“She is here,” she answers, lifting one of her hooves to the rock face behind her. My ears twitch to a whine… No, something else. It tickles the inside of my ears, might as well be my brain, to hear the lightest metal chimes sing a song the veins respond to. They change, moving about the walls like worms and pulling away the rock like a curtain. The dim hall is illuminated by a giant crystal growth from inside.

I follow her into the spacious hole, my eyes unable to tear away from the brilliant, shiny tower of a cluster from the ground to the ceiling. Nearby is a spherical gem that stands out from the rest, seated on a natural pedestal, and next to it is…

My heart screams; my body springs frantically towards the capsule-like face in the whole thing. I rush past the other zebra in the area, and I’m holding my breath, reaching for what I’m after like it’s my way out of a dark tunnel, and I find…

Avie looks so peaceful. That alone should put me at ease, but… it doesn’t. Why doesn’t it? Why do I know something is still so wrong?!

She’s sleeping in water that doesn’t spill out of the place she rests in. A silver bug-like thing is on her chest, with a gem that constantly glitters with so many colors. Bubbles come out from her mouth so often, and the oversized broach looks to move and pinch into her skin.

What do I even say? How can I even say anything? I don’t know what to feel. Relief? Confusion? Anger is even there, and I don’t know why. I try to reach my hoof into the water, but I’m pulled back by Stagona. She gives me a look of understanding but shakes her head nonetheless.

“What happened to her?” I ask, looking back at Avie. My mind flashes with thoughts, memories, of her sickly appearance and her pained groans on a table. “What did you do to her?”

“What we can.” Stagona tells me, gently. “You know of Affliction, correct?”

The word kerplunks into my gut like the densest rock known. I nod.

“There are few who know of this, and all would say what this is—”

“Don’t!” I let the sharp word fly from my mouth. I’m not a fucking idiot— I know what they all will fucking think! My memories, clearer than before, I know what I saw. I know what it means. It’s in her— was in her— where she is… It’s against the protocol for those who become Afflicted. I want to tear my own brain out for even reminding me what’s fucking wrong with this whole thing!

Torture… It’s fucking torture… I know I don’t see it in her clean complexion… I know what’s happening to her… I can’t see her eyes… Her eyes…

I can feel the zebra coming up next to me, “I am so sorry.”

The look in her eyes, I remember them so vividly. In that dark place, they lit up when I… “She was okay. She is okay!”

I tell myself that over and over, but the words just won’t stick. They feel hard, dense; every one a punch to the gut that gets worse. Why…

“You gave her a chance, Ward, but it is only for the time being. This is the only thing we have as of now that can keep the inevitable at bay. So long as she is here, she will not succumb to the Affliction that is still there—”

“Stop!” I don’t want to hear that word. I don’t want to be near the zebra. I don’t want— I can’t stand to be near Avie. As much as I want to, something wants to slip and I just can’t!

What chance did I fucking give her?! Where the fuck is that even coming from with this fucking stripe?! She’s not out here— She’s not walking! She’s not sickly! She’s not rabid! The Curse isn’t there!

She isn’t afflicted!

She is not afflicted!

Why won’t the words stop punching me until I’m down?!

“I thought you would be in more hopeful spirits, Ward.” Stagona says. I can hear the caution in her voice, behind the sympathy. “You know what is to be done with those afflicted. You know.”

And yet she’s here in that… thing. Ambivalence is kicking me down, strangling my heart the more she tells me these things. “Why didn’t ya? Why didn’t ya do what was supposed to be done?!”

The look on her face… “You would have preferred that?”

“I… I don’t—” My heart’s pushing up into my tightening throat. I can’t swallow it fast enough. “Why didn’t ya?!”

My heart wants to tear itself inside out with what I know and what is being told. I’m breathing hard and swallowing air to make sure it doesn’t. My words feel fat, and they are hurting me trying to make their way up and out my mouth. I keep it shut, holding it in.

Stagona looks at her colleague at the terminal, and back to me. She takes a deep breath,

“When the Inquisitora was informed, we came— I came with— to the Null Zone that gave you both back. While we were there, we saw two pegasi that had both come from a place where the Curse is at its strongest. One was healthy; the other ravaged by The Curse. What we saw confirms a theory my colleagues had regarding you and Outpost SE7, but it also gave her… a chance.”

This buildup— this fucking buildup— “Tell me! Say it!”

“We saw a moribund unlike the others reach into her without so much as tearing her physical form, pulling the Curse out and into itself. We saw you, and you shed your form just as she regained vitality…”

It sounds like bullshit. I has to be bullshit, right? Right?! “You’re saying I’m— that I was— that—”

She takes a moment and reaches under her dress-blanket. Her hoof comes out with a gold chain, “...This is yours, is it not?”

The memory flashes across my mind, and I can see the way it shines with its rough face behind an ornate golden cage. It’s like it tells me everything is okay, and I refuse to listen to it. My heart starts yowling, again…

“It came off when she reached you. You came out of what you became. You collapsed, and I caught you, finding this.” She explains. “Whether the Enclave knew— whether your General knew— it is still under investigation. But this, we know there are more. We also know just how close it is to you...”

Diamond Dust…

“I don’t— I don’t understand.”

She walks over, taking my hoof and letting it down gently into mine, “If there is a means to cure her, it is with the others just like this one. There are more of these, we know of that. How many there are we have yet to determine, but the promise is exponential. We now know it is possible because of you, even if you do not remember.”

I stare at it… Mother… I can’t feel the security it gave before. Avie. The look she gave me… The things still unspoken…

“Ward, listen to me,” Stagona asks. “This is a poor situation, but rest assured she feels no pain. You were here when we brought you to this Mountain. She is there now. What will be achieved, through her and you, we can cure Aridia. The Curse, lifted.”

“Ya can fix her…” I try to ask the question. The dull, squeezing ache in my chest makes it harder.

“Not as things are,” she explains. “But it is possible.”

“Don’t tell me that.” I snap. “I need to know if ya can. Can ya? I need to know!”

The pause is irritating. “Yes. Yes we can. As I said: Not as things are, but for now she will be okay. We will monitor her.”

“How?! How can ya fix her?!”

She looks taken aback. I can feel her partner’s stink eye on me, and I’m itching to do something to make it stop. Stagona points to the talisman in my hoof, “With that.”

“Tell me!”

“Please listen to my words, Ward. It may be difficult to understand. What you have there is very special. With my observation, and that of the Inquisitora, we know something can be done. We did tests prior to you reawakening from your reacclimation, but we know it isn’t enough. We know there are more. Out there, somewhere…”

I’ve heard this before. It’s grating my mind: I still know nothing about it, and I can’t do anything with this! I’m like a bloatfly in a glue trap; itching to run, fly as fast as I can and getting nowhere because there just isn’t anything to go on!

“So ya don’t even know where the answers are?!”

“Not yet, no. But for now we have this solution. She will be safe. You have my word.”

Her reassurance about Avie— knowing she’ll be stuck here like this, but she will not become one of them… I should be feeling glad, but… It doesn’t feel right. None of this feels right. To think I’m going along with this at her expense, and weighing the options…

I’m a piece of shit. No, I’m more than that. Worse…

All the more reason to go ahead with it…

I put my talisman on and get one more look at Avie, “Will I be able to see her?”

“Of course.”

I push down the dull ache with as deep a breath as possible, closing it all off as best as I can, “What do I need to do?”