SAW-CLUE: A Dark Comedy

"Sometimes I feel like I'm too hard on Sweetie Belle... Oh well." Twilight had stopped galloping once she reached Carousel Boutique. "Well, I might as well go ask Rarity if she's the killer."

"Now you're just going to ask ponies if they're the killer?" asked the voice over the intercom.

"Yeah, it actually seems like a good idea. Wait, where were you last chapter?"

"Last chapter? What?"

"Uh, thirty minutes ago."

"I was here."

"Yeah? Well you didn't say shit."

"Sorry for not saying anything about the random shit that just happened. Because I definitely knew what to say. You weren't doing any better, seeing as though some filly pickpocketed you while you were just standing there with your mouth wide open."

"So I was pickpocketed!? MOTHERFUCKER!!!"

"Did somepony just say my name?" Rarity walked out of her stupid dress shop.

"What? I said your name, like, five minutes ago."

"Yeah, I heard that too, but I'm talking about just now."

"I just said motherfucker..."

"Oh, uh... Yeah, that's definitely not my secret name that I use... Sometimes..."

"Well I'm here to ask you if you're the murderer."

"Murderer?"

"Yeah, some asshole murdered Berry Punch-"

"Fuck that bitch."

"-and now some bigger asshole is forcing me to find the killer."

"Fuck him too."

"You're really mean, Rarity."

"How am I an asshole in this situation?" asked the intercom voice.

"Because I could have the reward money for finding Berry Punch's dead rotting corpse, but nnnooooooo, you just had to make me not do that, and now everypony's dying. Ass."

"Like everything would have been better if you had gotten the reward money."

"... Well?"

"What?"

"Are you not going to take me back in time to show me what would have happened if I had gotten the reward money?"

"What the fuck are you even talking about?"

"Well I GUESS NOT!!!"

"Who are you even talking to?" asked Rarity.

"The voice that's been forcing me to do this shit."

"Oh, well then. Fuck you, voice!"

"What did I ever do to you!?"

"You existed!"

"Fuckin bitch!"

"Oh, you did not just call me a bitch on my own turf! I will hunt you down and slap your shit! You hear me!?"

"Oooohh, I'm so scared!"

"Yeah, you better be! If I were you, I wouldn't want your shit slapped by me!"

"What does that even mean!?!?"

"It means I'ma beat yo ass!"

"Aren't you supposed to be the element of generosity?"

"Yeah, I am! I'll give you a generous ass-beating, bitch!"

"You're not even threatening! You're a white unicorn with diamonds as a cutie mark! How can I take you seriously!?"

"I'm gonna rape you!"

"... What?"

"I said I'M GONNA RAPE YOU!"

"Holy shit, Rarity, can you calm down!?" Twilight yelled.

"Stay out of this, Twilight! I have no quarrel with you!" Rarity turned to look at the intercom that was always in her house but she hadn't noticed it until now. "This is between me and that sexy voice!"

"... I'm confused..." said the sexy intercom voice.

"Could you just shut the fuck up for a second!" Twilight yelled again.

"Okay," said Rarity.

"Are you the killer or not?"

"No, but I am a serial rapist who's also been accused of multiple hate crimes."

"That's disturbing. Why are we even friends?"

"Because I haven't raped you yet."

"Yeah, I guess."

"And also because I make you free dresses."

"Yeah, we're still friends."

"Are you kidding me!?" asked the voice. "She just admitted to being a rapist, and you stay friends with her."

"You're just jealous because she doesn't make you dresses!"

"You're all insane. But you happen to be the most sane insane pony, which is why I chose you."

"Ass." Twilight heard banging noises coming from behind her. She turned and saw Rarity ripping part of the wall off. "What are you even doing!?!?"

"I'm gonna rape the voice, Twilight. I'm a mare of my word."

"Why are you destroying your home!?!?"

"He's in the walls, I tell ya! THE WALLS!!!"

"You don't even know what he looks like!"

"I can imagine!" With that, Rarity crawled inside of the wall and disappeared out of site.

"What the fuck is wrong with everypony in this town!? I swear, one day they were all normal, then the next day I woke up in the middle of Ponyville and they were all CRAZY SADISTIC ASSHOLES!!!"

"Twilight!"

"Yes, Rarity?"

"I'm stuck!"

"So?"

"I'm stuck and I forgot my rape-shoes."

"... Rape-shoes?"

"Yeah, you know, the shoes made specially for rape!"

"Why would I know anything about those? Do shoes even exist!?"

"Twilight?"

"What now!?"

"I'm stuck."

"What do you want me to do about that?"

"Help me, Twilight! I have so much to live for!"

"Fine! Stand back."

"I can't move, idiot!"

Twilight blasted some magic at the wall, which violently exploded.

"Are you still stuck?"

"I can't feel my legs."

"Are you still stuck!?"

"Yes."

"Well too bad for you. Get yourself unstuck."

There was suddenly an explosion inside of the wall, which created a giant hole in the side of Carousel Boutique.

"Uh... Rarity?..." Twilight walked over to the hole and looked around in the wall. "Where the fuck did you go?"

"I think she blew herself up..." said the voice.

"Who's gonna make me dresses now!?!?"

"I can make you dresses if you'd like." Sweetie Belle was on the other side of the hole.

"Holy shit! You scared the FUCK out of me, Sweetie Belle!"

"Sorry."

"And I saw those costumes you made for the talent show! There was an extra leg."

"That wasn't the final product!"

"What will I use the fifth leg for!? MY DICK!?!?"

"... What?"

"Nothing. Did you finish cleaning up Bon-Bon?"

"Uh..."

"The mess on the street."

"Oh, yeah."

"That's good." Twilight paused for a moment. "Do you know how to fix walls?"