SAW-CLUE: A Dark Comedy

Twilight's vomit touched her hoof. "Oh god dammit! Now I need to clean my hoof!" The pony that was about to leave turned around and stared at Twilight, who was covered in the newly-dead Pinkie Pie's blood. "What the fuck are you looking at!?" Twilight demanded.

"You," replied the pony, who started to grin creepily.

"Well stop it! You're creeping me out!"

"Okay." The pony didn't stop his stupid smile.

Twilight jumped over the counter and began beat the crap out of him. He still didn't stop grinning.

"What is wrong with you!?" Twilight was a little scared.

"I don't know." The pony glanced over at the door to the basement. "Mind if I take a look in your basement?"

"Well it's not mine, so go ahead."

The creepy pony slowly walked over to the basement door, opened it, stepped through, looked at Twilight and said, "thank you," then slowly closed the door.

"What the fuck was his problem?" asked Twilight.

"I have no idea," answered the intercom voice.

"Oh FUCK! I forgot you existed!"

"How did you forget that?"

"I was down there for, like, six months!"

"It was only about ten minutes. How could you think it was six months!?"

"Well, you know what they say: Time flies when you're having fun! Wait... Never mind. I didn't have any fun down there."

"Did she, uh... Did she... Rape you?"

"I wish! I would have had a better time if that were the case."

"Well then... What did happen?"

"Pinkie was going to brutally murder me, but she fell on my horn and bled all over me. I always knew she had it in her."

"The murderous ways?"

"No; the blood."

"Oh..."

"It was Pinkie Pie with one of her knives."

"What?"

"I'm accusing Pinkie Pie of being the murderer."

"Oh. Well, in that case, you're wrong."

"Well in that case, fuck you!" Twilight turned her head away from the intercom.

"Hey, don't be like that! At this rate you'll find the killer in no time!"

"Really!?"

"Yeah! You'd know it's the killer because they'd be the only one alive besides you and I."

"Sounds good!"

"Wait, you wouldn't care if you're the last pony alive in Ponyville?"

"Yeah, fuck those ponies!" Twilight then remembered something. "Wait a minute! If nopony would be alive, then I'd never get my reward for finding Berry Punch!"

"Really? You forget about almost everything when you were in the basement except the reward?"

"How could I forget about a chance to get free bits!?"

The sound of screaming came from outside.

"Dammit! Why can't there be just one day where nopony screams!?" Twilight walked over to the door, opened it, and stuck her head outside. "Shut the fuck up!"

"No!" yelled a pony.

"I'm gonna come out there and beat your ass!"

"I dare you!" yelled the same pony.

"The last person who dared me to do something... Died soon after..." Twilight ran outside and started beating the pony's ass.

"Oh holy shit! Somepony save me!"

Twilight leaned towards the pony's head and whispered in its ear, "Not even Celestia can save you now." She broke the pony's back two legs so hard that they started bleeding out of their ears.

"Aaaaaahhh!!! You whore!"

Another pony screamed. "Are you fucking kidding me!?" Twilight looked for the source of the scream. "I'll break your legs too!" Twilight saw a giant glass box with a pony trapped inside of it. "Which one of you fucking assholes got trapped inside of a glass box!?"

Twilight walked closer and saw that it was Lyra. "Oh, you idiot! How did you get yourself trapped inside of a completely airtight giant glass box!?"

Lyra looked at Twilight. "I don't know! I was looking at Bon Bon, then I looked away, and when I looked back I was trapped inside of a glass box!"

"Wow, that sounds physically impossible."

"Now I can't find Bon Bon! Where are you, Bon Bon!?"

Twilight looked down at the floor of the glass box. "Uh... I think I found Bon Bon..." Bon Bon was crushed flat underneath the giant glass box. If somepony were to examine the mess close enough, they would probably be able to see every single organ contained inside of a pony's body, except not inside of a body at the moment. "That's a lot of organs," said Twilight.

Lyra looked down at Bon Bon's flattened corpse. "So, that's Bon Bon?"

"If she was right next to you before this giant glass box appeared, then it's safe to say that she's the one crushed underneath it."

"Yes!" Lyra excitedly yelled. "My captor is finally dead, and now I'm free!"

"Except you're still inside of that glass-"

"I can return home now!" A puff of green smoke appeared out of nowhere and enveloped Lyra. When the green smoke dissipated, Lyra had vanished.

"Holy shit..." Twilight was at a loss for words.

Just like Lyra, the giant glass box suddenly disappeared into thin air.

"What the fuck just happened!?" Twilight looked around at the other ponies, who didn't seem to be as perplexed as she was. "Did-... Did I get pickpocketed or something?"

The ponies around Twilight began to disperse and go about the day as if nothing had happened.

"What-... Where are you all going!?" Twilight looked at Bon Bon's carcass. "You're all just leaving with this laying in the middle of the street!? I'm not cleaning that up!"

Twilight saw Sweetie Belle walking by. "Oh, hey Twilight!"

"Sweetie Belle! Just the filly I was looking for! Wanna come over here for a second?"

"Sure!" Sweetie Belle pranced over to Twilight. "What's up?"

"Yeah, uh... You wanna clean this up?"

"What is it?"

"Uh..." Twilight made a break for it and galloped away. "Sucker!"