Dr House in Equestria

"Whoa, WHOA!" yelled Gregory House, as he backed away from a patient who was wielding a knife. But instead of coming after the doctor, the young man turned and inserted the blade into a nearby wall socket, instantly electrocuting himself. House stood there in stunned amazement as the boy twitched, then fell over, as the socket shorted out and caused the lights on the entire floor to blink out. Several nurses rushed into the clinic room, alerted by the sounds of his screams and the sparks, as House still stood there. After a few minutes, he turned and went back to his office.

"So, why did you do it?" asked House as he stood at the foot of the young man's bed a few hours later.

The young man smiled, (as best he could) and said, "A week ago I was hit by a drunk driver, head-on. The EMTs pulled me out of the wreck, and said I was dead for ninety-seven seconds." The boy's face lit up as he continued. "I saw things I can't describe...but those were the best ninety-seven seconds of my life!" He looked away. "I...just wanted to experience that again."

House smiled, and said, "Okay, here's what happened: your brain was shutting down, and the increased levels of--" but the boy cut him off.

"No! It was...real!"

House looked at him, then turned and left.

"Why couldn't you just let him have hope?!" Wilson shouted.

"Because it's a lie!" House shouted back.

"And how would you know?! What makes you so damn sure?!"

"I don't need to go to Chicago to know that it smells! Just like I don't need to die to know that this is all that there is! There's NOTHING beyond all this!" He gestured around him. "NOTHING!!"

Wilson stared at him, then his shoulders slumped and he sighed. "You could be wrong." As he turned and walked away, he added over his shoulder, "...but I guess you'll only find out when you die."

House watched him leave his office, then pulled the boy's knife out of his pocket, and turn and stare at one of the wall sockets.

House's next full memory was waking up on his back in a white, featureless room, with no floor, no walls, and no ceiling. He stood shakily and looked around for his cane. His right leg was still crippled, and he was fully clothed but other than that he had no idea what had happened to him. The last thing he remembered was sticking that knife into the wall socket, then everything going blank.

"Hello? Is anybody there? Where am I?"

A disembodied Voice answered, "You're in Heaven..."

House looked around. "Bullshit."

The Voice cackled, "Just kidding! You're in Limbo until I decide how best to place you."

House stumbled around in a circle, holding his bad leg, trying to pinpoint the voice. "'Place' me? Place me where? And....just who are you?"

House could actually hear the smile in Its voice. "I have many Names, but you can call me The Lord of Chaos. I've been watching you for some time, my boy, and I have someone, or rather, somepony, who has need of you."

House's eyebrows raised. "The Lord of Chaos'...so...you're telling me you're some sort of god?" House smirked. "Well, you can stop right there, bud. There's no such Thing, and even if there was, why would It care about anything I do?"

The Voice chuckled. "You are a treat! Look around you! Can you explain your surroundings?"

House took a moment to stare about him. Even though he couldn't see a floor, he could feel his shoes touching something solid. He felt a great weight of infinite space pressing down from every direction, but as far as he could see, all was sheer white, with no discernable features. "This could all be some sort of fever dream, a psychosis, brought on by my near-death experience," he finally said. His voice growing more confident, he added, "For all I know, my body is lying in the ICU right now, being worked on by my fellowship candidates, as useless as most of them are." Then he did a double-take as one of the Voice's last sentences caught up with him.

"Hang on...did you say, 'somepony?' has need of me? I'm a doctor, not a veterinarian."

The Voice chuckled again. "Okay, this is where it really gets fun! Let me show you the planet I'll be sending you to!"

Despite himself, House felt a sense of awe come over him as his face lost a bit of color. "P...planet? As in...not Earth?"

Again with the smile. "Surely you didn't truly believe yours was the only reality, did you?" Then there was the unmistakable sound of fingers snapping, and an entire section of space in front of him began to twist and change.

As a view of another world began to unfold before his astonished eyes, House still couldn't resist getting in one last jab.

"I never said it wasn't possible. And don't call me 'Shirley.'"

House struggled to sit down, then reached into his jacket pocket for his painkillers. After popping one in his mouth, he reconsidered and took another. Then he looked at the bottle, and his heart sank as he counted only four pills left. Taking a deep breath, he finally spoke.

"What. In the actual FUCK! Was THAT?!"

"The current beings there call that planet Equiss, and the Kingdom I showed you is now called 'Equestria."

House scowled. "You know what I mean," he growled. "Those weren't humans! They were little cartoon horses! What IS this, a fairy tale?! Are you making fun of me?!"

"Not at all, my boy! I assure you they're all sapient, and all are just as diverse and...can be as...heh heh...perverse as any human!"

Gregory struggled to his feet again, leaned over, and clutched his bad leg. "I don't have time for this. Send me back, wake me up, do something! I'm needed back in the real world, not some little girl's fairy tale!"

The Voice took on a serious note. "I wouldn't have brought you here if you weren't needed." An image of a pure white unicorn appeared before House's eyes, lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to various machines while being surrounded by other ponies in lab coats. "This is Princess Celestia, a very dear, very, very old friend of mine." The Voice paused, then added, "She's dying."

House scowled. "Everybody dies. Sometimes, there's nothing anyone can do about it."

The Voice changed again. "You. Are going to save her."

House looked at her, then looked around again. "I already told you: I'm not a veterinarian. There's nothing I can do. You got the wrong guy, 'Mister Lord of Chaos,'" He turned so he could no longer see the unicorn's suffering face, then added, "Besides, didn't you refer to yourself as some sort of god? What's stopping you from saving her?"

"That's the point: I'm Chaos, not Order, and even I have to follow certain rules."

House smirked. "Sounds to me like you're simply making excuses."

The Voice sighed. "In another multiverse, I did do as you suggest. Once." It paused, then slowly said, "Would you like to see the results?"

House shrugged. "If it will shorten the time I have to put up with you, then fire away."

"Alright. One last question though: when was the last time you ate?"

"A few hours ago. Why?"

"Just wondering."

House had long since stopped throwing up his last meal and was now suffering from dry heaves. "Make it stop! Make it stop!" he yelled between bouts of sickness. He was on his hands and knees, his eyes tightly shut as he also fought desperately to keep his bowels intact.

The Voice held a note of sympathy. "It's over...I put it all away. But now, I hope you understand a bit better why you're needed."

House heaved one last time, then painfully opened one eye and looked around. Breathing in a sigh of relief, he wiped his mouth on his sleeve and struggled to his feet again. He reached into his pocket for his painkillers, took out a pill, broke it in half, and swallowed it. He held up the bottle. "I'll help as long as I have these. Once these run out, I'm no good to you or anyone." He put the bottle back in his pocket. "But as I said, I'm not a veterinarian, I'm a people doctor. What exactly are you expecting me to do?"

"Solve the puzzle, of course," answered the Voice. "It's what you're best at, I know." Then the Voice chuckled, and added, "Besides, once I change you into one of them, your medical knowledge will transfer to their species."

House's face lost color as he took a few steps back. "W...wait! No one said anything about changing me into another creature!"

"Don't be silly! How else are you going to blend in and be allowed to attend to Her Royal Highness? Did you happen to notice any other, two-legged bipedal human doctors in that hospital?" The Voice laughed again and said, "Don't worry! You won't feel any different, and the change will be temporary, I assure you!"

House scowled, then said, "The quicker I do this, the quicker I can go home?"

"You have my Word!"

He raised an eyebrow. "And just how am I supposed to trust the word of The Lord of Chaos?"

The Voice laughed outright. "You can't!" It took a few moments to compose Itself, then said, "Shall we begin?"

House sighed, and muttered, "Yeah, whatever...let's get this over with." He looked up. "What am I going to be? One of those prissy unicorns?"

House could hear the Voice's smile once more. "Oh, I'm thinking something far more fitting with your personality."

SNAP!<

House came to inside an office. He sat up and looked around. He could see medical charts, books, and a desk. On the desk was a stethoscope, along with a 3D model of a pony, showing the various organs. He still felt a bit groggy, so he shook his head to clear it, then tried to reach into his pocket. Then he looked down. Instead of a hand, he now had a brown hoof. His snout, from where he could see, was long, and he reached up awkwardly and felt his ears. They were also long. A sinking feeling began in his stomach, so he searched around for a mirror. Finding one on the far wall, he got shakily to his hooves and stumbled over to it. Then he froze as he stared at his reflection.

"That...bastard!!"

He'd been turned into a donkey.