Dr House in Equestria

As the doctors all gathered together outside their Day Monarch's clean room, they were suddenly accosted by the Night Princess. "We demand to know Our Sister's condition! What hast thou learned?!" she added, glaring around at them all.

The unicorn doctors all exchanged nervous glances with each other, then one ventured, "We...we aren't sure, Your Highness. Her Majesty had an allergic reaction in a clean room, which should not have been possible, leading to an ascending paralysis starting from her lower limbs." The doctor paused, swallowed, and continued. "If the paralysis reaches her chest, her heart will be...compromised, and...she will die."

Luna stared at her, then began pacing. Finally, she turned back to them and asked quietly, "But...why was she ill in the beginning? What brought her to this pass? My Sister, like Myself, has never suffered ill in the past...why now?"

Another doctor stepped forward. "We...aren't sure of that either, Your Highness. All we know is what you told us: she started screaming in pain immediately after raising the Sun and fell unconscious. Then she was admitted to our hospital, covered in a rash. We've ordered a set of broad-spectrum antibiotics, but she's not responding." The doctor hung his head. "We just don't know what's wrong with her." Then he looked up, and his face was set. "But we will not give up, Your Majesty! We will save her!"

Behind them, they heard the sound of hooves slowly being clapped, then as one, they turned around. There, seated at a desk, was a nondescript-looking donkey, wearing a wool jacket and an odd look on his face. "Bravo..." stated the donkey, "Very rousing speech...I almost believed it myself..." He smiled and added, "...almost..." He then picked up Celestia's charts and as he was reading them, without looking up he asked, "This Princess of yours...is she a boozer?"

"I beg thy pardon?!" yelled Luna. "Who ART thou?!" She rounded on the doctors. "Who IS this lout?!"

"We...we've never seen him before, Your Highness!" Another rushed over to the door, flung it open, and yelled down the hall, "Security!"

"Thou hast no need of 'Security,'" growled Luna, as she lit her horn, "I will remove this miscreant myself!"

The donkey looked up as he was being surrounded by her magic. "You keep calling that babe in there your 'Sister,' right?" He held up her chart. "From her records here, I'd say she could have necrotizing fasciitis if she lays on the sauce a bit too thick, and if that's the case, the broad-spectrum antibiotics won't work." Completely unfazed by almost being levitated, he continued, "...but that doesn't explain her sudden aversion to sunlight." He looked the Princess in her eyes. "I'd appreciate it if you'd let me do my job and save your Sister, sweetcakes."

Luna ground her teeth, "Sweetcakes!" But then she hesitated, slowly released him, and turned to the doctors. "Is...is what he speaks...the truth?"

They all looked stunned, and one slowly said..."It...it could be an accurate diagnosis...we never considered it, though."

One stepped forward. "Who...who are you? And where did you study?"

As several burly security Earth ponies showed up at the door, the donkey spared them a single glance and answered, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Just tell me: is the rash spreading?" He flipped her chart open to her blood work and pointed to it. "Does this look like streptococcus? Is there gangrene present yet?" As they all stood there with dumbfounded looks on their faces, he exploded, "What the HELL is the matter with you all?! Aren't you animals supposed to be doctors?!" With an exasperated huff, he got to his hooves and said, "Never mind, I'll see for myself! Get out of my way!"

As he hobbled over to the door of Celestia's room, one of the doctors shouted, "You can't go in there! It's a clean room!"

The Security ponies surged forward but were stopped by Luna. "Hold. Let him examine my Sister."

"But...but, Your Highness...?" began one of the doctors.

She rounded on her. Through clenched teeth, she snarled, "This donkey is the only one of thee who seemeth to have the knowledge to save mine Sister! Let him pass!"

Meanwhile, the "donkey" had made his way into Celestia's room, pulled back her sheets, and was carefully examining her. Celestia opened her eyes and stared up at him. "Who...who are you...?" she weakly asked.

"A friend of yours sent me," he replied. He frowned as he examined her rash, then bent down to sniff her. "No gangrene present, so that's good." He pulled the sheets completely off her and looked her all over. "Nice ass," he complimented, "...for a horse," he added.

Celestia managed to blush, then said, "And...and who is this...friend?"

He lifted one of her forelegs and asked, "Does this hurt?"

She was barely able to shake her head. "N...no...but it itches..." She swallowed past a dry throat and asked, "Could...I have some water...?"

"I'm not a nurse." He stood back. "One more question: how much alcohol do you drink?"

She stared at him. "What...does that...have to do with...anything?"

He frowned. "Just answer the question."

She closed her eyes. "I hardly drink at all...there's no need."

The "donkey" shook his head, and muttered, "Even here...everybody lies."

As he turned to go, she stopped him one last time. "Wait...tell me: who is this friend who sent you?"

He looked back over his shoulder. "A real dick. Says he's known you for a very, very long time. And the deal is, once I save you, he'll send me home." He turned back and faced her squarely. "That ring any bells?"

Celestia closed her eyes and sighed.

"Discord."

"What will thou require?" asked Luna. They were all standing out in the hallway of her Sister's private room, along with the unicorn doctors. The doctors were all staring at the donkey with sullen looks on their faces but did not dare speak against him in their Monarch's Presence.

"I work best with a team, a group I can bounce ideas off of. Give me an office and send in some candidates for me to interview, to see if they're competent enough for me to work with." He looked around at them all. "And don't bother to send any of these idiots; I can already tell they're pretty much useless."

At this, the doctors could not withhold a group indignant gasp, and one reached his limit. "Your Highness, I must protest! We know nothing of this person, from where he comes, from where he's studied, what his motives may be! For all we know, he may be a Changeling spy, sent here to assassinate our Beloved Princess!"

Luna regarded the one who had spoken, then turned and looked at the donkey. Finally, she spoke. "No. I have lived a very long time, and within that time, I have developed an insight into ponies." She looked the donkey in the eyes. "I do not like thee. But I trust thee to save my Sister." She turned to the doctors. "Give him what he requires." She took a menacing step forward and added, "...or it will go...poorly...for all of thee..."

The doctors cowered before her, and one stammered, "Y...yes, Your Highness...it shall be done..." Then, they all turned and fled.

Once they were gone, Luna looked at him and asked, "So, what am I to call thee, besides 'donkey?"

"Just call me House."