Dr House in Equestria

"HOUSE! I said open thi--" but the scream died in her throat as the door suddenly opened, and she found herself staring straight into the eyes of Her Royal Princess of the Night. She took a few steps back, bowed, and stammered, "Pr...Princess Luna! I...I didn't know you...you were here!" She cast a brief glance inside the room, to see that donkey standing with his back to her, then quickly looked back up at Her Highness. "I...I was just--"

"Raising thine voice to be allowed into this room, aye, I am aware," said Luna in a flat voice. She took a menacing step forward, while the Dean cringed back. "Understand this: the research Doctor House is doing is for Mine and his staff's eyes alone." She lowered her voice and continued. "THOU were the one who allowed those charlatans access to My Sister...ones that would have meant her Death if Doctor House had not intervened..."

Kelly shook her head. "That...that's not true, Your Highness! I assure you, I picked those doctors because they were the Best in Equestria! They--"

"... all had not practiced medicine in at least a YEAR!" She stepped forward again. "I read their files, so I know their careers. I also know they each paid thee a large sum of bits to be here, in order to get close to mine Sister..."

Kelly's face lost color at this, and then she threw herself down at Her knees, prostrating before Her. "Forgive me, Your Highness! They told me they'd see me REMOVED from this hospital if I didn't hire them! I'll do anything, ANYTHING to make it right!"

At this, House stopped what he was doing and came over. Luna turned Her attention to him. "Doctor?" But he was looking at the prostrated mare. She looked up at him, and he stared into her eyes as something passed between them, then turned to Luna.

"She's telling the truth; they did threaten her." As he was going back to his work, he said, "Cut her some slack, Luna."

Luna stared down at her and narrowed her eyes, then said, "Rise." Kelly stood shakily to her hooves and remained trembling as she looked fearfully into Her Monarch's gaze. "Despite thine prevarication, it would seem thou hast a defender. Therefore, I shall not punish thee as thou deserves."

Eliza's face lit up, and close to tears she cried, "Thank you, Your Highness, thank you! I promise you, you won't regre---"

"Be silent." Then Luna spoke over her shoulder. "House!" At his annoyed, "What?" Her face flushed with further anger, but she grit her teeth and said, "This one will do whatever thou ask, without question, from this moment on. Be that acceptable?"

House paused to look back at Kelly again, then said, "Just tell her to stay out of my way...I don't have time for bullshit and we're fighting against the clock here." Then he turned back to his work.

Luna looked back down. "Dost thou understand?"

Kelly frantically nodded. "Yes, yes, anything!"

She stared at her again, then said, "Doctor House has spoken up for thee...so thou art saved...THIS time. Thou will do everything thou canst to make sure this Hospital runs smoothly during this emergency, AND thou will assist Doctor House and his team in every way possible. Am I clear?"

"YES, Your Highness!"

"Acceptable. Now, begone!" Kelly picked herself up and ran, as the Princess watched her scurry off. She then turned to House. "Doctor, I take My leave of thee once more. Please keep me informed of any changes in My Sister."

He stopped what he was doing, and looked back at Her. He bit back the sarcastic retort that was about to break free, and simply said, "You'll be the first to know."

Kelly was still shaking in her office an hour later, when her intercom beeped. She held out a trembling hoof and answered it. "Y...yes, Daphne?"

"Ma'am, Doctor House is here and he--" but that's as far as she got before Kelly's door opened, and he walked in, grin in place, followed by Kelly's aide.

"I tried to stop him, Ma'am, but he just brushed past---" Kelly held up a hoof.

"I understand, Daphne. Just...see that we're not disturbed."

She nodded to her Boss, scowled up at House, and then left, closing the door behind her.

Kelly leaned wearily back in her chair as the donkey took a seat without invitation. "Come to gloat?" she asked in a tired voice.

He smiled. "Nah...just come to say: well done!"

Narrowing her eyes, she muttered, "What are you talking about?"

His smile grew wider. "The way you played "Her Highness." (she could hear the air quotes in his voice!) That took some balls!" He stood up and looked down at her lap. "You hiding a pair down there?"

Kelly's face flushed as she crossed her back legs, then spoke through gritted teeth. "NO, and don't change the subject: what are you talking about, 'playing Her Highness?!' I did no such thing!"

He sat back in his chair. "Sure you did. Lied through your teeth right to Her face...I didn't know you had it in you...or any of you ponies to lie to your precious Princesses. Good to know."

Eliza raised her chin. "I did NOT lie..." She frowned at his smirk, then added, "...entirely." He held up a hoof as she opened her mouth to explain further.

"No need to tell me, I could see it in your eyes. They didn't actually threaten you, did they?" She stared at him, then slowly shook her head.

"No...they offered me a position as the Head of the Board of Directors for this Hospital...and for the ones in every major city in Equestria...if I allowed them to work on Her Highness..." She leaned forward, "But, you don't understand! I needed---" then he stopped her again.

"Don't care about your reasonings, I'm just satisfied to know you ponies aren't much different from humans, despite your "innocent" looks and cutesie faces, you're all lying, cheating bitches and bastards." He sighed. "I feel more at home than ever!"

At this, the Dean's face flushed again, but then she remembered. "I...suppose I should....should...thank you, for what you said to Her Highness. You could have exposed me, but you didn't." She cocked her head. "Why?"

"Real simple." His grin became more self-satisfied.

"Now? You owe me."

As he was leaving her office and limping back to his own, a pony called, "Doctor House!" He looked over his shoulder, only to see that stallion that had punched him the other day. "Great..." he thought to himself, "...here comes Round Two..." He tried to ignore the stallion and sped up as well as he could, but he was soon overtaken.

"Doctor House! Do you remember me?" the stallion asked.

House stopped, reached into his pocket for the pills that were no longer there, grimaced, and said, "I never forget a left hook, or whatever it is you ponies call it. Excuse me..." and made to brush past him, but was stopped again.

"I'm Flowers...you know, the one who was here the other day with my wife? I just wanted to say...sorry."

House sighed. "I'm really busy, bud, so if you don't mind, I need to get back to work." This time, when he started off, the pony didn't try to stop him but walked along with him.

"I truly am sorry for punching you...but I thought you should know my wife's surgery went well, and we're both grateful you talked some sense into---"

House rounded on him. "Look! I don't care about you or your wife...tell your life story to your doctor. If he's anything like Wilson, he'll bake you a cake or give you one of his kidneys and tell you both how amazing you are...I'm busy..."

Flowers stared at him with his mouth open. "You...you're not like any doctor I've ever had to talk to..."

"...and hopefully, never again..." House put his head down and stormed off, as the stallion still stood there, stunned. When House was just turning the corner to get to his office, he looked up, stopped, and tried to disappear behind the wall.

But it was too late, she'd spotted him!

Twilight jumped to her hooves and ran towards him, crying out, "Doctor House!" to his rapidly retreating back. She gave chase, then came up short as she rounded the corner. She glanced around, puzzled. "Doctor...?" Then she heard a closet door silently shut. She walked quietly up to it, then cautiously pressed her ear against it. She heard a mumbled, "...go away, go away, go away..." coming from inside, and then, never ever quite learning the meaning of the concept, 'HINT,' she lit her horn and opened the door. "Doctor...House...?"

He reluctantly looked over his shoulder at her and said, "...never heard of him. No one in here but us donkeys." As his temporary "hiding" place turned out to be a janitor's closet, he had even removed his wool jacket and slipped on a maintenance worker's smock. She stared at him for a moment and then smiled.

"I know it's you, Doctor House...I'm not so easily fooled!" As he sighed and put his jacket back on, she added, "I just wanted to talk to you to see if there's anything I can do to help...anything at all."

Limping out of the closet, he said, "Refresh my memory: you're not a doctor, a nurse, or know anything about medicine, correct?"

She shook her head. "No, Sir, but I'm eager to learn! Plus, I have access to the Royal Library, so I can find information on any subject you need!" At this, he paused. Staring into her bright face, and seeing the radiant HOPE shining in her eyes, he had no problem stamping it out like a cigarette butt...

"I'm going to make this as clear as I can: I. Don't. Need. You." Twilight's mouth fell open, and she took a few steps back in shock. But, just as she was about to further protest, he added, "I don't know who you are, but if you're not a medical professional, you're worthless, and you're an annoyance. You're wasting my time, so the best thing you can do is to leave my team and I alone so we can do our jobs. Now, piss off..." With that, he brushed past her and off to his office, as she stood there staring at his back.

"...but...but...I can...help..." she whispered. If he heard her, he gave no sign as he kept walking, then opened his door and went inside, allowing it to slam shut. She winced at the sound, and then, fighting back tears, she turned and made her way out of the hospital.

House studied the report on the Princess' bloodwork. "These numbers are insane..." he muttered. "If your Princess was a human, she'd be dead already from her heightened porphyrins..." He looked up at his team. "You all thinking what I'm thinking?"

They all exchanged worried looks, then Caroline said, "You're referring to the chemicals that make hemoglobin...but if Her Majesty's levels have increased, then that would explain Her brown urine, but that would also mean She has another condition, another fatal one..."

House grimly smiled. "All together now, class..." They all, Caroline, Robin, and Doctor Wilheim, spoke at once:

"Porphyria..."