Dr House in Equestria

House opened his pill bottle and stared at his last two half-pills. Since being sent to this weird place, the pain in his leg had been mercifully lessened, but he still needed his fix every other day or so in order to function and get some sleep.

Now, he was down to just the second to last one, as he took it and popped it into his mouth. He slowly replaced the top on the bottle, sat back in his chair, and sighed. He figured he had at least two more days, three if he stretched it, before things got too bad for him and he was no longer of any use. He wondered if that asshole would send him back if he didn't keep up his end of the bargain and save this Princess, but he already knew the answer to that question.

He wouldn't.

He looked up as his door opened and Wilhiem came in, holding a sheaf of papers. He paused when he saw the bottle on his desk, and asked, "Is that the pain-killer you've been using...that..."Vicodin"...you're running out of?"

House scowled at him and put the bottle back in his pocket. "Not your concern." He nodded at the papers. "What have you got for me?"

Wilhiem sat down in front of him with a determined look on his face. "On the contrary, it is my concern." He leaned forward. "From talking to Kelly, I've learned that what you have there is a narcotic. We don't use narcotics on this world for pain relief, for the simple fact they make ponies into addicts." His eyes bored into House's. "You're an addict, aren't you?"

Hose stared back just as intently. "No. I'm in pain. I have a muscle infarction in what is now my SECOND right leg, that won't just go away with sunshine and puppy kisses." He sat up as his face grew into a scowl. "And now, since your 'Lord of Chaos' had his little joke and turned me into a creature with FOUR fucking legs, I can't even use a crutch to take the weight off when I walk! The only reasons I haven't lost my mind to the pain yet are because of this narcotic, and the fact being here has somehow muted the agony I usually go through, so I've been able to hold off taking the amount I usually would!" He sat back, then quietly added, "So, if you don't mind, I'd like to solve this mystery and go home. I don't have time for a lecture from a prissy, cartoon fantasy horse."

Wilheim continued to stare at him. "I'm going to overlook the fact you just called me a 'whorse' and ask if you've ever tried Amitriptyline?"

House snorted. "I said I'm in pain, not depressed!" He shook his head, "Besides," he added, "I need a shot of scotch or five every night or so, and I like my liver right where it is, so no thanks..."

The Earth pony sighed. "Alright." He held out his hoof. "Give me the bottle."

House looked at him warily. "Why?"

"I'm not just an oncologist, I'm an analytical chemist. I'm sure I can break down your "medicine" (and here he used his hooves to make the air quotes) to get you more since that's what you need to function."

House slowly reached into his pocket, took out the bottle and stared at it, then looked up at him. "Why should I trust you?"

The doctor grimly smiled. "For the same reason I'm forced to trust you: we need each other.

The purple unicorn cautiously opened the door to Celestia's room, then nervously looked around first before entering. Two doctors, also unicorns, turned and looked at her. "Miss Sparkle," the male said as they both smiled, then he added, "Doctor House isn't here at the moment, so please be at ease."

Twilight let out the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding and became more confident as she strode into the room, then her face fell as she walked up to her Mentor's bedside, and saw that she'd been strapped down. Celestia's face was troubled, but she was sleeping soundly. "How...how is she?" She noted the nephrostomy bag attached to Celestia's bed, and her eyes grew alarmed when she noted the color of Her urine was a dark brown. She turned to the doctors and pointed. "Why is it that color? And why has she been hobbled?"

Robin tried to break the news gently. "There was an...episode...last night, when Her pain became so severe She tried to injure Herself...so the Doctor decided the restraints were needed." He sighed and continued. "As for Her urine color, we're still working on several theories, but rest assured, She'll be fine. We just finished Her allergy tests, which all came back negative. Now, there's simply the matter of finding out what's caused Her illness at the outset. House and our other colleague are working on that answer."

At this, Twilight looked sharply at them. "Just that donk-- I mean, just Dr. House and one other?!" Her eyes narrowed. "And this..other colleague...is he or she a...Unicorn, perchance?"

Both doctors frowned at her question. "No, Dr. Cardo happens to be an Earth pony, but what does that have to do with any--" started Robin, but scowled even further when he was interrupted.

"Unacceptable!" shouted Twilight. "Our Princess deserves the very best care possible! Why aren't the two of you working on the problem as well?!" Rocky and Caroline exchanged an uncomfortable look, but just as Caroline was about to speak, she was also cut off. "There's something you're not telling me!" Twilight stomped a hoof. "I demand to know what's made my Teacher sick, and why every measure isn't being taken to make Her well!"

Both doctors turned bright red but remained resolute. "We...can't say, Miss Sparkle. I'm sorry," said Caroline.

Just as she was drawing in breath for another retort, Celestia opened Her eyes, raised Her head, and said, "Twilight. Leave Me."

Twilight recoiled as if struck. "Your...Your Highness! I'm only trying to do what's best for--"

Celestia didn't shout, but Her voice was like a whip. "These doctors, including "that donkey," have been entrusted with something of which I will not share even with you. You will not hinder them, nor will you ever berate them again. Am I clear?"

Twilight bowed her head as tears began to fall. "Y...yes, Your Highness."

Celestia placed Her head back on the pillow and closed Her eyes. "Now, as I said, leave Me. Come back when you have rid yourself of your prejudices for those who are trying to save My life." Twilight turned and walked slowly to the door. Just before it closed she heard one last remark, and she turned to look at her Princess.

"Twilight? I still love you."

House and Cardo were huddled over the sample in the research lab, poring over Wilheim's notes. Rocky threw up his hooves in frustration. "This is hopeless!" he fumed. "According to these notes, the main ingredient in this Satryion is a wild orchid that no longer exists!" He looked at House. "How are we supposed to find out the properties of an extinct plant?!"

"It's relatively simple," replied House, "We know what it does, all we need to figure out is how it does it, and to do that, we need to sample it against known aphrodisiacs."

Rocky nodded. "So...we need to get samples of all known aphrodisiacs...I guess that shouldn't be too hard." He frowned. "But what about the really exotic ones?"

House smiled. "Way ahead of you. I made a few calls a day or so ago, using Luna's Name," and here he looked up at the clock, "...so our samples should be arriving soon."

Rocky shook his head. "You really are pushing it using Her Majesty's influence, House. But I guess, under the circumstances, it's understandable. So, who's bringing these---" he stopped as there was a knock on the door.

House got up himself and limped to the door. Just before he opened it, he looked over his shoulder, smiled, and said, "You're single, right?"

The other doctor's eyes grew wide."Uh...yeah, but why do you...oh..." as the door was opened, and three of the hottest mares he'd ever seen in his life sauntered in. They each were wearing jeweled saddlebags over their barrels, each had almond-shaped eyes and sweet, curvaceous rears that jiggled provocatively as they walked, and as he tore his view from them and glanced up he saw a crowd of ponies, both male and female, had followed them to the research room!

All of them were Earth pony mares, and they were clad in the most diaphanous, see-through black silk outfits, with lines of sparkling silver and gold that clung to their every curve and left little to the imagination! They each wore necklaces of various jewels that tinkled as they walked, and the lead mare wore a thin band of gold around her forehead with a glittering diamond in the center. Light bangles of gold around their forelegs and thin gold earrings completed their look, and their sweet, exotic perfume preceded them into the room, causing both males to take further notice!

The lead mare with the dark, purple mane and ruby lips smiled up at the two and said, "Weech wun ov you iz Doctair Houze?"

House raised a hoof. "That would be me, darlin'."

She then nodded to the others, so they took off their saddlebags, then she said, "We 'av your liquides de plaisir." One of the other mares whispered in her ear, so she then said, "Ah! Pardon, 'ow yu say, ...ze "aphrodisiacz" yu asked for. Where du yu wantz zem?"

"Just place them on the table." He then looked out the door, said, "Show's over, people," and closed it, to the sounds of disappointed groans. They soon had about twenty exotic-looking bottles lined up on the table, some distinctly phallic-shaped, then they turned their attentions to the two males.

One of the other mares, also with a sultry dark mane and a smoky gaze, slowly approached Rocky and whispered, "And wat iz yur name, mon beau?"

He swallowed, then managed, "R...Rocky..."

Her eyes grew wide. "Oooo! Zuch a guud name for zuch a beeg étalon!" She licked her lips, then looked back at her sisters, giggled and said, "Celui-ci a l'air de pouvoir donner du bon temps à une fille, non...?" As they all giggled back, nodded, and replied, "Oui!" she then closed the distance and whispered in his ear, which made his face turn all the redder. Finally, he reluctantly shook his head.

"I...can't right now, Miss...I..."

She silenced him with a sweet kiss, then whispered, "...je m'appelle Nadia..."

He drew back slightly. He didn't speak Prench, but the breathy last word and context was unmistakable. "Umm...okay...Nadia...I....have to work on this---"

"I don't need you for the next few hours," smirked House. "Get lost."

Rocky looked at him as if his birthday had come early. But then he shook his head and said, No, House...I appreciate the offer but---"

"No buts! I knew the effect these ladies would have on you, and I need your mind clear!" He limped over to the table and added, "Besides, I'm going to lock away the original "sample" until we're done examining these others, so your colleagues will be working with me." He turned back to him. "Now as I said, get lost."

Rocky looked at House, then down at the sultry mare. "If you're sure..." Then he smiled and said, "My place isn't far from here..."

The other mares, the last one a redhead, sidled up to them both and said, "Iz yur bed beeg enuff for four?"

Just before they all left, House cautioned him with, "Rocky? Use the back stairs when you leave the building. Et les filles?" They all looked back at him. "N'épuisez pas trop mon stagiaire'. J'ai besoin de lui..."

They giggled again, and the lead sister said, "Wee do not make zee promises!"

"He did WHAT?!"

Daphne flinched from her Boss's anger and shakily nodded. "Y...yes ma'am...three of them! One of the security guards did try to stop them, but...but one of them...of them...kissed him, and told him Dr. House had sent for them!"

Kelly sat back down and began rubbing her temples. After a moment, she muttered, "Don't tell me, let me guess: he then gave them directions to find House?"

"Yes...yes, ma'am..."

She sighed and sat back. "That will be all for now, Daphne. Keep me posted when you hear anything new." Her secretary nodded and fled. Kelly turned her chair and stared out the window. She honestly didn't know how much more she could take. Having Her Royal Highness here, for the first time in recorded history, was supposed to be a boon for her career and for her Hospital! All of Equestria, no, the entire world, would see her as the Hero that saved their Princess, and fame and fortune would follow in her hoofsteps for the rest of her life!

But now? Now she'd been...replaced! Replaced by this...this...donkey...whom nopony had ever seen before, who somehow had won the full confidence of the Night Princess Herself in only a day's time...

She turned back to her desk and picked up the latest reports. Her frown turned deeper as she read about the fall of those doctors who had tried to discredit the donkey, and she barely repressed a shudder as she read further about the details of how the Princess had dealt with them. She pushed those papers away and picked up another, reading about how three of her nurses had been overcome with lust after encountering some strange substance that donkey had introduced into her Hospital, without first consulting her! Two of them were still under restraints even now, begging to be ravished, even doing so while under heavy sedation!

She knew, from talking to the donkey's failed candidates, that he claimed to be from another world, and that Discord was somehow involved. While she herself didn't believe it, she wondered if the Princesses were aware of this claim, and if so, did that have any bearing on why they'd so readily accepted his help? True, he had cured Her Highness of Her most pressing ailment, but she was sure her own hoof-picked staff would have found the parasite given time, and certainly would have done so without the stain on Her Majesty's Honor! Every time she closed her eyes, she could still see him with that tick in his mouth, having just plucked it from Her Majesty's Royal Vagina! In front of scores of witnesses! That she had brought before them!

If she lived to be a thousand, she would never live down that humiliation!

Well! She'd taken her hooves off this matter for long enough! It was time for her to get directly involved, and see for herself just exactly what this doctor was doing in her Hospital. She'd be damned if she'd allow him to bring dangerous materials in, and flaunt her authority by indulging himself with foreign sluts during working hours, and further disrupting her staff!

Even Luna Herself would have to agree with her!

"Thou did WHAT?!"

Luna's Voice thundered throughout the lab, making the very walls shake and threatening to burst every glass bottle. Wilheim, Robin, and Caroline had already fallen to their faces, but House remained standing, coolly gazing up at Her.

"I wouldn't have brought in another if it was not absolutely necessary, Luna." He turned and looked at the prostate doctor. "This is the premier analytical chemist in this hospital, and I hit a snag in my research. I had to seek his help, otherwise, we'll be unable to discover just exactly how that crap works, in order to save your Sister."

The Princess ground Her teeth as she stared at him, then she turned to Wilhiem. "You! Rise!"

He got shakily to his hooves and stood, but kept his gaze on the floor. "Y...yes, Your Highness?"

"LOOK AT ME!!"

He slowly raised his head, only to see Her eyes were blazing white, and he shrank back but did not dare take his eyes off Her.

She stepped closer. "Know this: If. Thou. EVER reveal this secret, TO ANYONE, thou will CURSE the day thee were born!" She leaned down even closer, and Her voice became low and dangerous. "...am I clear...?"

"YES, Your Highness!"

She held his gaze for a few more moments, then stepped back, while Her eyes returned to normal. "House? I have said before that I do not like thee. That has not changed. But what has also not changed is My trust in thee. Thou did save mine Sister from that terrible, tiny creature that would have taken Her life when all others failed, simply because they were sore afraid of disrespecting Her Dignity. None other would have violated Her in such a way, in so casual a manner, as thou did, and for that, thee...and thy team, have Mine Eternal Gratitude."

House waved a hoof. "Yeah, yeah...whatever, Princess. Now then, if your speech is over, I'd really like to get back to work." All the others gasped behind him, and even Luna took a step back, as did Her guards, but House had already turned away and was picking up Wilhiem's notes. When he noticed he was the only one moving, he yelled, "Hey! Let's get to work! This puzzle isn't going to solve itself!"

But just as the doctors shook themselves out of their stupor, gave an apologetic look to Her Highness, and walked up next to House to aid him in the research, there was a loud banging on the lab door.

"House! It's the Dean of Medicine! I want to know what you brought into my Hospital and exactly what you're doing!"

"Open this door AT ONCE!"