Everything I could see was blurry. Like that was it, it was blurry. My body felt like I had just jumped out of the second story of my office onto hard concrete and belly flopped. On the brightside the thing I’m laying on feels nice, soft, and warm. I rubbed the back of my head with my hand, only to notice that my hands don’t have fingers anymore. My vision started to unblur as I brought my hoof… wait, hoof? What the fuck is wrong with me today?

I slowly looked down after sitting up, and what I was laying on turned out to be a horse. Only this horse had a horn, so it was a unicorn. It also had wings, which meant it was also a pegasus? What the heck do you even call those? Unipegs? What’s even more interesting is that it was wearing a dress, and not some dress made for human beings, but a dress that seemed like it was specifically built for an equine’s physique.

The horse’s coat was a midnight blue, which was honestly really pretty, and had a mane that said ‘fuck you’ to physics, and was flowing in a room where all the windows were closed. And by the looks of things, it wasn’t even all that windy tonight. Just behind the horse’s horn sat a crown that matched the rest of the jewelry it had on. A crystallized collar-necklace thing, and of course, her shoes.

The unipeg groaned, you know, from me crushing the fucking thing, and slowly lifted her head while rubbing it with… crystal horse shoes. Man, even a horse was richer than I was.

All around me were horses, some with wings, some with horns, some with neither. All were pointing at me and whispering to each other. Like I could vaguely hear English in those little whispers that were most like very airy conversations. Imagine how somebody would somebody talking with a lot of air in their voice, while trying to be hard to hear, that’s what it was like.

“Uh…” I wobbled over to the horse I had just crushed and offered a hoof. “Sorry for crushing you?” I don’t know if I could be understood, I don’t even know if I can articulate very well; I never spoke with a horse’s muzzle instead of a human mouth before.

The horse seemed to quickly gather its senses and started glaring at me.

“Thou dare try to assassinate us?” She, yes she, the horse had a feminine voice.

You know, thinking that you are hearing horses speak in English is way different from hearing a horse actually speak the language. You know, it was already freaky that this thing, and every horse around me seemed to have very human things, such as dresses, architecture, and the ability to craft things, but this really takes the cake. On top of how fucking weird everything was around me, I still felt like shit from the fall I had just taken.

I screamed and fainted.

“Ugh…” I groaned and rolled onto my side, only to see a hoof.

“Finally, you are awake!” I turned to see a horse with a nurse’s hat on her head. I screamed and fainted a second time.

I woke up again, managing to sit up like a human… Am I? Nope, still a fucking horse. Grand, I like not having fingers. I have a booger in my nose and my hooves are too big to shove in my nose hole, and I’m angry. I groaned while rubbing my eyes as my blurry vision began to clear up. Man, I feel way better than the first timeI fainted.

“Greetings, my little pony.”

Oh god… Okay, deep breaths, deep breaths. Okay, I’m calm, I am relaxed. I opened my eyes, and low and behold, a white horse with a horn(a long one), wings, and lsd hair that waved in a nonexistent air. It was a she, judging by the voice, and she was wearing jewelry. It was in a similar style to the first horse I met(and had crushed), but instead of crystals, this one had golden jewelry that gleamed and sparkled under the room’s light.

Okay, that is beautiful, even if I am questioning my sanity.

“Uh… hey? I think I’m supposed to bow, but I kinda can’t while stuck in bed. Not because anything’s broken, but because I feel like I’ll fall on my face the second I start to stand on my own.”

The horse giggled. “Worry not… I am Princess Celestia, the Solar Diarch of Equestria. I believe you’ve already met my sister, Princess Luna, Princess of the Moon, and the second diarch of Equestria.” Low and behold, standing at Celestia’s flank, stood Luna, who was glaring at me. Wow, I would rather be hungover than be in this room right now.

I’m in the goddamn hospital.

“Oh uh… fuck this is awkward. Uh… greetings your… highness? Or is it majesty? Where I’m from, we don’t have kings, queens, or whatever. We just run off of democracy.”

“Your highness will do, my little pony. May we know your name before we continue?”

“Ah… you see, I uh…” Well, I usually got drunk off this stuff because somebody slipped fucking booze into it, but. “Name’s Fruit Punch. Nice to meet ya Princesses. And Princess Luna,” I hopped out of the bed, nearly fell, before righting myself after testing where my center of balance was, and I bowed. “My apologies for nearly killing you earlier. I swear that wasn’t my intention. My last memory was of me going to work, and then waking up on top of you.”

When in doubt, use flattery, it keeps you from getting executed.

Princess Luna blinked a couple of times, before her expression dropped to an amused one. “Oh… we did not expect to meet such a… gentlecolt.”

“Well, it would work to make a good impression after falling on you, your highness. And your first impressions of me are… not great I’m assuming.” Luna nodded. “Well… let’s start over, m’lady, you’re looking quite… lovely today? Tonight? I forget what time it is. I’m certain if I had a watch, then time would be happening; if I don't have a watch then that means time doesn’t exist!”

Luna smirked. “It is in the evening, two days since thou fell upon us. We must admit, trying to joke around is much better than the usual pleas for forgiveness that we hear.”

Celestia cleared her throat, clearly wanting to get to business. “So Fruit Punch, may I ask, are you of Equestrian origin? You sound like you’d be from Manehattan, but you seemed to be quite shocked whenever somepony spoke to you.”

“Uh… I don’t know how I should answer that. To say the least, I wasn’t a horse-“

“Pony,” Celestia corrected.

“Before I first woke up in ‘Equestria’. Nor did I expect to meet ponies that are not only capable of speaking, but apparently making societies. Full fledged societies with a system of government, art judging from the stained glass windows I first saw when I woke up, and I’m assuming agriculture; y’all gotta eat somehow, right?” I cleared my throat. Can’t get too excited at the prospect of being in a land with sentient ponies, can I? “So how deeply in trouble am I for uh… falling on top of your sister during what looked like a public event?”

Celestia and Luna turned to each other and started to discuss something, likely my question, before Luna broke from their little huddle.

“We believe due to thy circumstances, thy shall be granted a pardon for attempted assault on us. We must ask thee a question: What were thou before thee had come to Equestria?”

“I am, or was, a human being. It kinda stinks that I’m a pony now,” I raised a hoof. “I can’t pick my nose for one thing,” I chuckled. “Another is that I have several degrees in human psychology, and a minor degree in body language. So I guess all of that is pretty useless unless I can read up on basic pony psychology and body language, and then go from there. I also don’t have anywhere to live, which sucks.”

“Well, on the bright side, we can provide those things for you. And fortunately for you, the crown owns a house right here in Canterlot, which we can rent out to you for a bit a year, which will be taken out of a stimulus check of a hundred bits a month. However, do not use this as an opportunity to be lazy.” Celestia gave me a stern look. “I fully expect you to get a job at some point once your ability to walk isn’t so… meager, and once you can use your magic of course.”

“Oh yeah, I can do that. You think that you guys need another therapist? I can be a pretty decent therapist.”

“Unfortunately we do not at the moment,” Celestia sighed. “I can look into-”

“Nah don’t worry about it. I can go back to flipping burgers and putting together burgers for the time being, I’m sure.” I caught Celestia’s eye moving. “Are you checking me out, by the way?”

Princess Celestia stood up straight and her pupils had shrunk… there was even a little blush on her cheeks. “Well… you are quite the specimen for a unicorn stallion. You seem fairly muscular, your coat, while bland, is actually quite nice. And your mane, being a nice, jet black, is a nice touch to your already dark brown coat. To say that you are a catch, physically at least, would be an understatement.”

I cocked my head. “I’ll doubt that, but since I have no idea what makes a pony attracted to another, I’ll just take your word for it.”

“How did thee catch that so quickly?” Luna asked.

“I don’t need to have a degree in pony body language to catch a wandering eye. Heck, you gotta have a sharp eye when you’re learning how to read body language; it’s not hard to catch somebody’s eyes when those are huge in body language.”

Princess Luna seemed impressed.

“Well, you just have a few things for the doctors to look you over with, and you are good to go. I shall lead you to your new home, and then I will look into seeing if we can send you back to your world. As for your origins as a human, do refrain from speaking of them; you’ll look crazy at a minimum.”

“I’m also assuming it would be kinda illegal to speak of them.”

“It… would. Humans are a thing of legend in Equestria.”

Huh.

“Order up!”

It’s been about a week since I was released from the hospital. After some reading, I can deduce that pony body language just seemed like… human body language, but to match Equines. From hugs, staring, blah, blah blah. There were minor things such as nuzzling, which was just a child friendly version of making out, wing hugs which were more intimate hugs for pegasi, and horn tip touching which was another form of making out. Ears played a huge role, which is what really stood out to me.

Usually a hanging head and ears folded could mean several things, but it all depended on the rest of the pony’s body. For instance, a head hung nice and low, with ears folded, usually means a pony is ashamed. Ears pointing up usually mean happy, ears pointing downwards mean sad or mad. Now ears that point all the way up could mean several things, such as surprise, shock, blah blah blah. Flattened ears are usually a sign of embarrassment, or other random emotions, or a sign of concentration.

It was all interesting to see how similar human body language is to pony body language, while being so different due to the presence of ears that can actually move, or a lack of fingers. A raised hoof typically means a pony is happy.

Also cutie marks, or the mark of a pony’s talent, destiny, whatever. It’s apparently rude to ask ponies about their cutie marks, and also a bit rude to stare due to where they’re located on a pony’s body, which is their ass. For some reason, my cutie mark is a jack in the box, so whatever the hell that means, I dunno. Least it ain’t a microphone in a spotlight. Imagine having such a stupid cutie mark.

A look into pony psychology told me that ponies were a lot like humans, if a little more… timid. Okay, I am not gonna sugarcoat it, ponies are fucking racist. Like most ponies aren’t even accepting of something super similar to them, such as a zebra. It’s a miracle that there are even griffons here in Canterlot, because with how racist ponies can be, how xenophobic they can be, ponies make humans look accepting. And that’s coming from a human who knows just how much a human being can hate another human for something as small as personal beliefs.

Ponies were just a lot less violent in their racism.

It made sense, given how humans are more or less at the top of the food chain, and aren’t nearly as fear filled as ponies. Ponies are supposed to be peaceful plant eaters, so I suppose seeing something that is part lion, y’know, a thing that can eat a pony whole, is kinda scary, and thus ponies are more likely to hide at the sight of something scary. I suppose it didn’t apply to me, since I was a pony, but boy would I hate being a zebra in Ponyville.

Yes, that is the name of a town in the middle of fuck if I know.

Anyways all the fun educational stuff about ponies aside, I found a job.

“Fruit Punch, how are you so fast at making sandwiches? You’re faster than some unicorns who actually use magic!’ My boss walked up behind me and patted me on the shoulder. “I have yet to see a unicorn with such good hoof dexterity, and then you’re putting together hay fries in between sandwiches!”

I laughed. “When I said I had some minor experience in fast food, I kinda lied. I was a manager at my last job and was one of the fastests ponies on the whole staff team!” I said as I pushed out a twenty bit order, which was actually pretty huge. This job was great, because it had all the fun stuff of fast food, minus all the asshole customers. As racist as ponies can be, ponies are actually way more polite, and way nicer to deal with. Like a pony got lettuce on their hayburger by accident, and they did something insane when it turned out that wasn’t what they wanted.

The pony just took the lettuce off the burger and went off to enjoy their food. Man, if only some frequent McDonald’s customers could take a few notes.

Also, the pay actually seemed like a good pay rate compared to most jobs in America. Like it’s enough to actually buy a house, have food on the table, and still have a good portion of the day to yourself. Like just six hours a day and I could easily keep myself and three other ponies fed, while still being able to enjoy small luxuries like tea, cookies, anything really. My boss was super cool with me, because I always came in on time, and immediately cleared a line as soon as I was put on the ‘sandwich’ station.

“Well lad, you’re good to go home for the day. Good hustle… and before you go,” my boss slipped me a stack of bits wrapped in paper, and a little baggy with his magic. “This stack is your pay for the week, and the little bag is your share of tips-” the door’s bell rung and the owner gasped. His ears pointed up. “Okay Fruit,” my boss, Peppermint Patty, placed both hooves on my shoulder. “Princess Celestia and Princess Luna just walked in, and I need you to stay a little bit. You’ll get overtime.”

“Bet.” I would die for this man.

“Sister, is this what fine cuisine has dropped to?” Luna asked. “All we smell is grease.”

“No Luna, restaurants like this are merely for ponies to get cheap, yet quite tasty, food. Besides, we’re not only here to get lunch, we are checking in on Mr. Fruit. It has been a week since we last spoke, and I have heard that this specific Hayburger location has a very talented chef.” Both Princesses stopped and saw the pony in question, who was quickly putting hay patties on a grill at a speed that had left Luna impressed, while Celestia was quite shocked.

The pony in question wasn’t using magic.

“Hey Mr. Mint, I got fresh fries and fresh patties going!”

“Wha? Fruit, I told you to just make sandwiches, not nearly put everpony out of the job by being faster than everypony in the store! I was going to do that for you!” A pony, who Celestia assumed was this store’s owner, said with a hearty laugh. “Remind me to give you a raise; you’re a damn good worker!” Mr. Mint walked up to the register with a bow. “Greetings, your highnesses, what can I get you?”

Celestia gave a pleasant little smile. “I would just like a… hayburger and a small fries. Hold the onions please.” Mr. Mint wrote the Solar Diarch’s order down before turning to Luna, who was reading the menu.

“We would like… what is a number seven?”

“Ah, that is a double stacked hayburger with nicely melted cheese with a side of fries and a drink!”

Fruit Punch came out from the kitchen and looked at the note in his boss’s magic, before walking back to the kitchen, only to stop and point an ear towards Luna.

“We would like a number seven. Hold the pickle.”

Fruit walked back into the kitchen. “That will… well, both of you are Princesses, I suppose-”

“No no, I would like to support businesses in any way I can. Especially for their services they provide me with,” Celestia took out a coin purse. Mr. Mint gave them the total, which just came to ten bits, and Fruit came walking out with a lunch tray with two burgers wrapped in tin foil and two cardboard pouches that were loaded with fries.

“Hey Celestia, hey Luna,” Fruit waved a hoof, while remaining balanced on his two rear legs. The lunch tray was in the other hoof. “Y’all want separate trays?”

“That would be helpful-” before Fruit could move, Mr. Mint grabbed a second tray off a stack of them before placing Luna’s food on the new tray.

“Now Fruit, that is no way to speak to the Princesses!” Mr. Mint said in a hushed voice.

“It is quite fine with us, Mr. Mint. Do you mind if we borrow Fruit for a bit?”

“Wha- of course Princess. Good hustle, Fruit. I’ll see you in two days?” Wow, quick turn around, boss.

“Yup! See ya Peppermint!”

I took a seat next to Luna, who was eyeing her sandwich. “So, how’s making sure the country doesn’t burn to the ground?” I asked, taking a fry I might’ve stolen from work(my boss was actually cool with it. I love that stallion) and sticking it in my mouth… just not the same as potato fries. There isn’t that nice, creaming filling under the crunchy coating, but it was still addictive and tasty.

Celestia giggled. “I suppose my sister and I are doing a good job at making sure the country doesn’t burn down,” Celestia took a bite out of her sandwich and her eyes widened. She then swallowed and wiped her lips with a napkin. “I am impressed… this is actually very lovely.” I turned to Luna, who had stuffed half of her burger into her mouth after taking a very small bite.

“Sister, you were right! This is delicious! This is seriously only five bits?” Luna shouted while sticking a hoof full of fries in her mouth as well. She used the bun as a napkin, getting some ketchup that was on her cheek, before swallowing the rest of the sandwich whole. “And you made this, Fruit?”

“Yeah, in twenty three seconds. Why do you ask?”

“I see you took no time in getting adjusted to your… job.” Celestia commeted.

“Oh yeah, that was easy after I learnt how to move without falling over and dying. Spent three all nighters on learning body language, psychology, and how to walk… I’m only awake right now because I’ve had six cups of coffee and a couple cups of tea.”

“That’s… worse than Twilight Sparkle is at times.”

“Who?”

“Just my student. Her sleeping habits, when she wants to study something, are horrible.”

“Glad I can be worse than somebody who has a Princess as their mentor!” I shoved another fry in my mouth before turning to Luna, who was now out of hay fries, and looked disappointed. I handed my fries over to her, and they were gone before I could blink… I almost lost a hoof to that, Jesus Christ woman, control your jaws.

“Thank you Fruit!” Luna threw her arms around me and nuzzled into my cheek… then my face planted into the table.

Author's Note

Well, there’s the first chapter done. Hope y’all enjoy it!

Chryssy will come soon!