Man… this bed feels nice, so soft, so warm… I don’t want to leave this- god fucking dammit. Of course as soon as I wake up and wanna go back to sleep, the goddamn sun shines directly onto my eyelids! Great, just wonderful… I lifted my head up with a groan. My pillow is weirdly warm for some reason, like I don’t recall getting a heated pillow with the house I rented. Nor do I think Equestria has the technology for that. I sat up with a stretch and slowly turned to… Luna. Luna, who was wide awake, was staring at me. Okay, that is fucking creepy.

“Uh… g’morning, your highness.”

Luna gave me a warm looking smile. “Good morning, Mr. Fruit Punch. We hope thou have had a good night’s sleep?”

“Uh… yeah, let’s go with that. Why the heck was I using you as a pillow?”

“We hugged you after you gave us the rest of your food and you fell asleep. My sister believed it would be appropriate to take thee back to the castle, given that it was much closer to the Hayburger then your home was. Is there a problem with thou sleeping in a bed in the palace?”

“Oh no, I’m just wondering why I… Is this your room?”

“It is, why do thou ask?”

The fresh fuck?

“Why…?”

“This is the best room we could get thee on such a short notice.”

“Okay… I’m just gonna go ahead and go home now. I’ve got a whole weekend to myself; the first since college, and I would like to go enjoy it. So if you don’t mind me, I’m gonna see myself out!” Before Luna could speak, I darted towards the door and started booking it down the halls. Man, what a morning, eh?

I trotted down the castle halls for nearly an hour until I realized one detail that would’ve been very important to take note of a while ago; I’ve never been inside of a castle my whole life, and especially not this specific castle before. It was a pretty neat castle, pretty grand and pretty castle, but like a castle, it’s a maze. In other words, I am lost, and I need some help. So logically I looked out the window and started to wonder if being in a wonderful land of very racist ponies, magic, and sunshine is worth living in compared to my old life…

It’s been a week, but it felt like my old, human life was forever ago… Not really.

My old life, where I managed to graduate college a year early, started a business on the side while being a McDonald’s manager on the as my main hustle… I had full college degrees in body language and psychology and could easily get a nice job as a therapist and help people out. To help people feel a little better, instead of me being a shitty comedian, I would be a moderately okay therapist. And either way I went, comedy, or psychology, it would help people feel better. One was just more long term than the other…

Oh yeah! Living with a bunch of xenophobic horses means I don’t have any college debt!

“Fruit Punch? I thought you would still be asleep after your three day long all-nighter.” I turned to face Celestia. I waved and walked over to a nearby bench, which Celestia had followed me to, and also begun to sit on.

“I can’t sleep in even if I wanted to. I can sleep for eight hours and that’s it. Or rather, I wake up at eight or nine, no matter how much sleep I get the night before.”

“That sounds unhealthy.”

“Welcome to McDonalds, where we don’t close our doors even at five in the morning while running on three minutes of sleep!” I chuckled. “Anyways, why the heck are you here… other than the fact that you live here.”

Celestia raised a hoof to her chin. “Well, I was going to check in on you, and noticed that Luna seemed fairly happy to nap with her head on your back, and your head on the side of her stomach,” a small smirk grew on her face. It was barely noticeable, but there was a smirk. And a little sparkle in the eyes…

“You took a photo AND plan on giving it to the media, don’t you?”

Celestia nodded with a giggle, which was accompanied by a nicely hidden smirk behind a hoof.

“You’re lucky that that giggle was adorable. Or else I would, I repeat, would also feed the flames of that rumor just to take the piss out of your sister.”

Celestia began to blush a little.

“What? Does the Pretty Pony Princess like being called adorable?” The blush thickened in color a little bit more. “Haha! I cracked the Celestial egg!” I gave Celestia a sly little smirk. “Nice to know that I can woo the Princess of the Sun!”

“N-Now. I was going to refrain from giving this photo to the media out of respect for your privacy, but I definitely will be giving this to a local journalist to publish in their next article.” D’aw, Celly’s cheeks are kinda red now.

Not her ass, weirdos. I didn’t spank the Sun Goddess, did I?

“Good. I’ll kiss Luna in her sleep, so that you can take a photo of that, and make the rumors seem more true!”

Celestia’s ears perked all the way up. “You know what, Fruit Punch? I think you and I will get along very nicely.” The mare got up. “Do you want breakfast? I heard the kitchen is trying something called a ‘hash brown’, which is a fried potato patty of some sort.”

“I could go for breakfast right now, yeah. Thank you,” I bowed before following the princess. If I’m thinking what was just invented was invented, then I’m looking forward to breakfast-

Yep, these are hashbrowns and eggs. I wish I had bacon, so I could make a bacon egg sandwich with the hashbrowns as the buns, but unfortunately cows are sentient, can talk, and have their own societies. Like holy shit, that’s wild, and also saddening because now I can’t go and eat a steak, or I’ll be seen as a murderer…

I don’t even think- no, horses, and I guess ponies, can handle meat. It just won’t feel good on the way out. Boy would a nice hamburger be good on the way in though.

“Sister!” The door slammed open. Luna came rushing in before her eyes fell upon me. “There is thee! We have been searching for thee!”

“Why…?” I was lifted up in a dark blue aura.

“Because we demand to spend some time with ye! Something about the new way ponies go about courting each other.”

“H-hold it, what the fuck, Luna? You’re supposed to get to know me before you drag me off to a date that I haven’t even consented to. It’s been… what? A week since I became a pony; I’m not even sure I’ll be attracted to ponies. You’re pretty, Luna, you really are, but I mentally cannot think of you in a similar manner that I would with… a girlfriend.”

“B-but…”

“We can still hangout, I can be your friend if you want that, but I also gotta agree to wanting to hang out. Forcing somebody to do something against their will is a really solid way of making somebody not like you. Trust me, my parents tried forcing me to be a doctor, and I fucking hate them.”

Luna gave a small, hopeful little smile. “We… We would like to be your friend at the very least.”

“Cool… can I eat my breakfast and then be shown the door? I wanna explore Canterlot now that I’m not burying my nose in a book.”

Luna nodded before snatching one of my hashbrowns, a pineapple, and a mouthful of my eggs, before regally trotting out of the dining hall… That shithead took my god damn hash brown! Who cares about the rest of my breakfast, I want my fuckin’ hashbrowns, woman!

I stepped out of the castle and yawned. Man, the weather in Canterlot is really wonderful; way nicer than New York, where it was colder than Antarctica all day, everyday. Like the weather here is very warm, but not too hot, with a nice little breeze that wasn’t bone chilling, but refreshing. The severe lack of air pollution also helped make Canterlot look and feel good. Because now, I can take a deep breath in the morning and not lose an hour of my life in that one breath. Woohoo… Humanity is fucked. It’s a good thing I hopped ship when I did, so long idiots!

I tripped over a rock and fell over… Fucking karma.

I passed an ice cream shop, stopping, and thinking about if I should actually get myself a scoop or two. It’s… really good looking ice cream and I did just get paid. I also have that stimulus check on top of my paycheck, which I was told will be my last stimulus check since I have a job, and I do want some ice cream- holy shit, there’s a sugar cookie ice cream sandwich, and it’s huge… I need it. I want that in my mouth; it would be really tasty… Surely a sandwich of that caliber would be really expensive-

It’s only three bits? That’s barely even a half hour of work!

I’m going to deep throat that ice cream sandwich so fucking hard.

I walked in, walked up the counter, as there wasn’t a line, and greeted the pony at the counter. “Can I get a cookie ice cream sandwich?” I asked.

“Yep! Three bits!” I opened my coin purse, which was in my butt pocket(like it’s actually a part of my butt; it’s weird and cool), and paid. Moments later, I was given two sandwiches.

“Wa…?”

“It’s three bits for two sandwiches, and that’s just the cheapest thing on the menu!” the cashier clarified this situation with a smile. “Enjoy your ice cream!” Three… three bits for two sandwiches? They’re huge! Holy fucking shit, why the hell are ponies so god damn generous? First my boss, who I would die for, pays me a good amount of money(and daily with tips), and then ice cream is this cheap? Like fuck, I don’t miss humanity at all… so what if ponies are somehow more racist than humans?

I sank my teeth into one of my sandwiches on the way out. Okay yeah, there’s fucking crack in the cookies, because this is delightful… and addictive.

I took a bite out of my second cocaine sandwich and got a shiver. Oh my god… I am in heaven right now. I hummed a little tune.

“Mr. Sun came up and he smiled at me!” I sang in between bites. “Said it’s gonna be a good day, just wait and see!” I took another bite.

“I jumped out of bed, and I ran outside! Feeling so extra ecstatified!”

I started skipping along. “It’s the best day ever!”

Seven or eight ponies came out of nowhere. “It’s the best day ever!” Huh? Ponies are down to have musicals at random times? Y’know what? Hell yeah!

“It’s the best day ever!” The same eight ponies came out to harmonize with me. I kept on singing with my improv choir until I finished my sandwich.

After I had sufficiently harmonized my way down Canterlot Mane(get it?) Street, and an ice cream sandwich, I had managed to make it to the marketplace. Royal Guards stood by, happily waving and smiling at any passersby, while ponies went from stall to stall, or simply wandered around. The marketplace was just oozing with activity.

“Stop! thief!” A mare yelled out, as I ducked away from a stallion, who was wearing a ski mask, and had a purse in his mouth. Two guards, who were nearby, immediately began to sprint, only to stop. They stopped because I had tackled the thief and had wrestled him to the ground.

I pulled the stallion’s leg behind his back and started bending it. “Uncle! Uncle! I give up! C’mon dude, you’re breaking my leg!” Huh… I was just bullshitting a way to keep grown men from being a problem, and I’m not even sure if that works because I’ve only seen it done on T.V.

“Well… yeah, that’s the point; you did just rob a lady.” A unicorn ran up to me, a white one with a nice, curly mane. She stopped at the sight of me holding down a stallion that was nearly twice as thick as she was, and was panting.

I grabbed the bag, it was more like a purse, but I don’t know what else to call it other than a ‘bag’, with my hoof, holding it up to the mare. “Is this yours?” I asked.

“Yes! Yes it is! Thank you for stopping this thief! He would’ve gotten away with my money if it weren’t for… you…” Oh boy, her eyes looked up and down my body as her ears perked up. Oh well, according to Mama Celestia(new nickname for Celestia), I’m attractive. “My name is Rarity, I’m here on a little business trip… May I get the name of the handsome stallion-“

Rarity was interrupted by the robber screaming in pain.

“Name’s Fruit Punch. Yo guards, come get this guy so he’ll stop shouting!”

“Already on it, sir… Thank you for helping catch this crook; he’s been stirring quite a bit of trouble recently, robbing ponies in the marketplace and always getting away.”

I waved a hoof. “No need to thank me-“

“We had a small bounty on this particular fellow. Three hundred bits. Just come with us to the castle, and we can get you that bounty.” That's three days of work…

“I am one lucky son of a bitch.”

The guard smirked. “I didn’t know you were part dog.”

“You cheeky bitch,” I shot at the guard. Rarity gasped and the guard simply smirked.

“I didn’t know I had a son.”

I laughed. “I didn’t know I had a mom!” I waved to Rarity. “See ya around!” Rarity just stood their with her jaw slacked.

I sat in a little lobby, of course the guards wanted to make sure the thief I caught was locked up, before I got my money. That’s fair, honestly. It would kinda suck to pay me the bounty, only for the fucker the bounty was for to break out and steal the bounty. At least there were books, this one book named ‘Daring Do’ was pretty good… I would rather like to have a copy of Star Wars…

If only somepony would rewrite A New Hope and sell it. That would make millions of bits. I would do it, but that’s basically plagiarism, and I don’t want Disney hopping across time and space to kick my ass in a legal bout because I stole their beloved IP ‘Star Wars’. And a certain alicorn would also kick my ass for stealing their idea.

“Are you… Fruit Punch?” I looked up to see a white, unicorn stallion with a purple mane with two streaks, one white and the other a darker purple, had walked up to me. His cutie mark was that of a shield with little sparkles on and surrounding it. The guy was fucking ripped. It didn’t help that the guy was also two heads taller than I was.

Am I midget? Even Rarity from earlier was taller than I was.

“The one and only.”

“I gotta say, judging from what my guards were saying, I’d expect you to be a bit taller.”

“So I’m vertically challenged-“

“But you do seem quite fit… You wouldn’t happen to want a spot in the Royal Guard, right?”

“Nah. Got this burger place that I work for, and I would kill somebody for the store owner; he’s really cool.” Shining Armor sighed, looking a little disappointed.

“Alright,” I was given a small brown bag. “Here is your reward, and… thank you for catching that thief. Citizens like you, who are willing to be active, help keep the streets of Canterlot safe, and for that, on behalf of the Royal Guard, I, Shining Armor would like to thank you.”

I nodded dumbly before shaking hooves with the fella, and was shown the way out.

I happily trotted down the street, now three hundred bits richer, singing a silly little song. Sadly, nopony came by to harmonize with me, but that was whatever. For right now, I just wanted something nice and quiet, and I currently don't have my phone or headphones to listen to music. Typically, I like to have music on these long walks where I walk in a random direction without rhyme or reason.

But since I can’t have that today, or for the foreseeable future, I’m just gonna have to sing to myself and hope I remember the whole song. If I don’t, then I’ll cry.

Oh hey, chocolate rain… Wow, this place is cool!” I opened my mouth and that is the best chocolate milk I’ve ever had in my life. I hopped and skipped, having a jolly old time until a piano dropped and shattered into a million pieces right beside me. I screamed and started running at the sight of headless, feathered chickens, roaring and screaming as they gave chase. Even if they were pretty stupid, and were easy to shake off, this was kinda scary.

I’m just… gonna run in a random direction and find somewhere to hide.

Along the way, I caught sight of a unicorn mare, a rather slim legged, light blue colored, mare. I’m assuming a lady like this would be considered highly attractive. Anyways, she was huddled up in an alleyway, shaking in fear. I ran up to her, and shook her. The mare’s coat had seen better days, being incredibly dirty, and looked like it could use a little grooming.

“C’mon, let’s find somewhere safer than out on the streets!” The mare quickly nodded, I grabbed her hoof, and pulled her with me as we started up the street again. We ducked under a flying log, dodged a dancing light pole. We even dodged some used carriage salespony who was trying to get us to buy his broken carriage.

I didn't know how long we'd been running, and it didn't matter; we just had to keep moving or else we’ll get fucked, I found an alleyway with a dumpster to hide behind. I led the mare into the alleway and we quickly took refuge.

I felt my very being begin to warp and contort in strange ways, and I could hear my companion scream in agony as she likely began to suffer a similar fate to my own…

How… How long has it been? How long have I been out? What in the fresh, ever living fuck had just happened? First it was fine, with chocolate rain, and then it wasn’t so fine. Well, whatever the fuck that was, it’s over now. I sighed in relief, before noticing something wet started to soak the fur on my neck. I looked down to see the mare, stained with chocolate milk, ruining her coat, crying into my neck.

I felt a small urge to comfort the mare, laying a hoof on her shoulder, and began to rub it. “Rough day, huh?” I asked. The mare looked up at me, still crying.

“W-what even h-happened?” She asked.

“I’m not sure, honestly. One moment, I was getting paid for tackling a robber, and the next, it’s raining chocolate and chickens the size of a stallion!” I scratched the back of my head. “At least… The size of a stallion that isn’t a midget, like yours truly.” That got my huddle buddy to smile a bit.

“T-thank you.” She whispered, laying her head against my neck. “I just arrived in Canterlot to… this!” I patted her on the shoulder again. “I needed that, even if that was a cheap short joke, to clear my mind of what had just transpired today.”

That’s a big word that I can’t even spell.

“Well…” Would this sound weird? “You can stay with me for the time being. It’s getting late anyways, and I'm certain you wanna clean your pretty coat out, right?” The mare nodded. There was a slight blush in her cheeks after that; it’s something that normal stallions would use to flatter a lady they find attractive. I’m just trying to help calm this mare down.

“Thank you… Before we head to your home, can we stop by a marketplace so I can buy soap? I dropped my saddlebags when all that… chaos started happening.”

“Sure thing. C’mon, let’s go before Celestia decides to snort sugar and make the world go upside down agin… Can I get your name?”

“I’m… Crystal Clear, but you can just call me Crystal.”

“I’m Fruit Punch. I bowed and extended a hoof out towards the entrance of the alleyway. “After you, m’lady.”

“Ohoho, I didn’t know I would be escorted to a gentlecolt’s home!”

“Uh… are you sure this won’t be weird?” I asked.

You see, now I’m standing in the bathroom, with Crystal Clear, who was now preparing a bubble bath for herself.

‘Of course, not! You need a good wash too. Plus, it shouldn’t be that awkward, we’re naked all the time, aren’t we?” So you see, Crystal Clear proposed we both take a bath at the same time… I thought it was a bit weird, but Crystal’s reasoning did make sense; we were pretty much naked all the time, so I guess bathing together can’t be too weird. My tub has more than enough space to make sure neither of us touch each other in the touchy spots, so this should be fine.

Apparently public bathing is also a thing.

Once the bubble bath was ready, Crystal walked into the bathtub, and I did too. We both sat for a little bit, I helped Crystal with getting her back, and she helped me. For some reason, despite being a unicorn, she didn’t want to use her magic, which was fair. So we just rubbed each other’s backs for a little bit, and went back to scrubbing ourselves down.

Uh… I might’ve started massaging my new friend by accident, and now she’s asleep, in the bathtub, and using me as a pillow. I am deathly afraid to move, because Crystal snores like a kitten, and looks kinda cute while sleeping, so I kinda just sat in the tub with her until she woke up.

Author's Note

I guess I should clarify a few things about this Fruit Punch:

In this story, Fruit was a bit older before he got stuck in Equestria in this timeline(say... two years after graduating college. As such, is a much happier, more peaceful individual with a steady job.

Therefore, he acts a bit less like a drunk, angry, mentally ill college student. And because Fruit Punch isn’t drunk or high all the time, I’d like to think he’s more polite.

Obviously Fruit’s got a psychology degree in this timeline, but didn’t take improv classes, and most importantly:

He was a McDonalds manager before he got stuck in Equestria!

Sadly, Fruit might not wield bricks to vanquish his enemies in this story. Since that was a stupid gag.