“So… this is Sugarcube Corner?” Chrysalis and I had made our way over to the cake building we saw earlier, where Rarity had told us to meet up. I tapped the wall to find that the building was simply made of painted wood that had been shaped expertly into the cake visage it usually has. At least it isn’t made of cake, right. The sign on the front also said ‘Sugarcube Corner’, so I am assuming that this building was, well, Sugarcube Corner.

“The map did say this was the address. Don’t you dare get that box of cookies; you’ve yet to fulfill your promise of ‘running the leaves’ as Ponyville dubs its annual marathon.”

“The things I do for the mare I love,” I chuckled. “Don’t worry, I’m not craving sugar that badly.” That earned a nod from Chryssy, before we both walked inside the cake shaped building.

The first thing, so many baked goods, all of them look good. Ooo a double chocolate cupcake! No Fruit, no, no sugar. The last time you had sugar you literally didn’t sleep until five in the morning. The second thing I noticed was… Well, Rarity and five other mares chatting at a table, likely to kill time before I showed up. The wild Rarity in question noticed me quickly, since there was a bell to announce customers coming in and out.

This was a shop after all.

Chrysalis had decided to go sit in the corner, nice and out of the way. So I was left to trot over, alone, to a table full of women. Chrysssy already had her nose in a book, occasionally peeking out at me to make sure I… haven’t run off or something, I don’t know.

Way to feed me to the sharks, dear.

They were all staring at me, Rarity I already knew, but there was an orange one, a purple one, a cream colored one- you know, that’s a fun little thing I’ve just noticed. Two pegasi, two earth ponies, two unicorns. All you’d need is Princess Celestia and Luna, and you’ve got yourself the most inclusive friend group to ever exist. I really don’t like how they’re all staring at me, but it looks like they aren’t staring at me like ‘this guy is a creep’.

If anything, they look pretty friendly, but you never know with ponies. As I have read, they’re only kinda(very) racist towards everything that isn’t a pony.

“Heya,” I greeted. After my awkward greeting, I took a seat next to Rarity, and awkwardly waved at everybody else. God, I hate being in decently sized groups of people, or ponies.

“So yer this Fruit Punch fella Rarity’s been talkin’ about,” an orange coated, cowboy hat(or stetson if you’re a civilized cowboy), mare said. It woulda been more of a question, but I think it was pretty obvious to everybody here that I am, in fact, the stallion their friend was talking about. God I hate meeting my friends’ friends, it’s always kinda weird, and it’s even weirder since I barely knew Rarity, but I guess we’re on friendly terms, which would make us friends.

You know, the concept of friendship is fucked, fucked up, and weird as fuck.

“Yup, that’s me…” God this is awkward. I genuinely feel really out of place here. Like you could cut the air around us with a knife, it was that awkward because I had nothing to talk about, and I couldn’t talk about anything interesting about myself.

That would involve breaking several binds I have with the Crown.

“So you’re that cool, robber stopping unicorn that Rarity was talking about! She talked about how you had beaten up a robber and recovered her purse for her. About you went all ‘bam’ and ‘boom’ and-“ The pink one with a pink mane started speaking at a million miles an hour, pretty much retelling, in a rather childish way, what Rarity likely told her.

“And that you had just come into town today on a broken train, unexpectedly visiting Ponyville, and you’re here now!”

Jesus christ woman, you didn’t breathe after talking for sixteen minutes straight.

“Don’t your lungs need oxygen?” I asked, before the purple one spoke up. Pinkie shook her head, and I was floored. What kinda nonsensical, straight from hell, kinda pony are you?

“Say, you’re kinda familiar. You remind me of this one alicorn that acts like a big meanie, but is a big softy on the inside. The alicorn in question has a microphone as a cutie mark instead of a jack in the box. By random chance, are you two related? Because you two look exactly the same! Minus the wings, and the constant look of dead insideness that this alicorn I’m thinking of has.” Everyone, including the ponies who knew Pinkie blinked several times.

What the fresh fuck does this lady smoke? And where can I get some?

“Don’t question what Pinkie Pie does; it’s best not to question how she does the things she does either,” the purple one was sitting closest to me besides Rarity. She happily stretched a hoof, and I shook it. “I’m Twilight Sparkle, I’m also from Canterlot, but Princess Celestia had sent me here to study up on friendship.” I blinked a couple of times, before passing it off. Studying friendship sounded like something out of a kid’s cartoon to teach kids how to be friends through weird, abstract, really stupid means.

In other words, don’t question this.

“You’re uh… kinda rough looking for somepony living in Canterlot. I expected you to look… a lot more snobbish,” a Cyan, rainbow maned pegasus pointed out.

“Rainbow, I’m from Canterlot and I’m not a snob,” Twilight injected.

“Yeah, but this guy is apparently friends with Rarity. I just thought he’d be a bit more… pampered looking.”

“Well, sorry to disappoint at how snobbish I am. I mean, I only make burgers at a hayburger shop, do some studying, and also chat with Princess Celestia, or Luna, on the side. So, Funny Story about how I met them, right? I fell on top of Princess Luna during a ‘Great Galloping Gala’ or something. Dunno what it's about since I’m not native to Equestria, but it was a pretty fun experience. Six guards tried to kick my ribs in, and Luna tried to relieve me of my head.”

“Wait, you’re the stallion that tried to kill Princess Luna?” Rarity gasped, seemingly shocked about me being the guy, in the place, that might have accidentally done a thing that could be seen as very illegal.

“Well… it was an accident. I didn’t mean to fall on top of one of Equestria’s rulers from out of the sky. Plus I don’t think I’d be a free stallion if I were to actively try and kill Princess Luna. That lady’s scary a shit,” everyone flinched at my language. “Like hella fuckin’ scary. She could probably crush my head in her fetlock, blast me to the moon, blast me to pieces, or just stick me in jail if I were to actually hurt her. Whatever method she uses for my retribution, it’ll probably be fun and very painful.

“Plus I’m her friend, so I don’t see much of a reason to ‘attempt’ murdering her again.”

“You’re… an interesting stallion,” Twilight shrugged. We all sat in silence for a few moments.

A few long, long, long, awkward, makes you want to die, moments later.

“So Fruit, what do you do outside of work?” Twilight asked. The look in her eyes, and everypony else for that matter, screamed ‘please save this moment please’. So I took the bite and decided to give my best answer.

“I used to study… Pony psychology and body language. I originally came to Canterlot to… try and see if there are any schools where I could polish up my skills. Then I fell out of my chariot, and you know the rest.” Twilight’s Sparkle’s ears perked up.

“You like studying?” She almost squealed.

“Well, yeah. I like learning about things, and spend a lot of time reading stuff.” Mainly pony body language and psychology; I need to understand it better I silently added.

“Great. We found somepony who is almost as much of an egghead as Twilight…” Rainbow Dash groaned. “Let me guess, you two are gonna have a wonderful study session, and then you two fall in love and start dating, right?”

“Well, that would be awkward for Fruit,” ‘Crystal Clear’ said, trotting up to the table to wrap a foreleg around my neck, and nuzzling me. “For that would involve dating more than one mare at once,” Chrysalis winked at me.

“But isn’t it somewhat normal for stallions to have more than one wife? Or to be dating another mare while they’re married? After all, the male to female ratio is quite substantially different from each other.” Twilight asked, tilting her head. Okay, even if ponies are kinda racist, they are kinda cute, not gonna lie with you. Twilight then started going into detail about the higher birth rate of females, polygamy, yadda, yadda, radda, radda.

I leaned into Chrysalis and hummed peacefully as she continued to nuzzle me. We were gonna be here for a while. Nevermind, Twilight stopped a little earlier than I expected.

“I’m a… one mare kinda stallion. Where I’m from, polygamy is kinda looked down upon, and monogamy is the norm. Crystal Clear,” I planted a kiss on the mare's cheek and she froze up for a moment. Hah! Score! Only two hundred and sixty three more kisses and we’ll be even, dear. “Is more than happy with our current arrangement. Plus I'm more than happy with this arrangement as well.”

“More love for me!” Chrysalis had broken from her stupor and cheered, before fully leaning into me. Across the table, Rainbow Dash made a gagging noise at mine and Chryssy’s very public displays of affection.

“Interesting… You’ll have to tell me where you’re from later,” Twilight rubbed her chin. “Because even in oversea countries, ponies still tend to have a higher female to male ratio., so I’d assume ponies would still choose to practice polygamy.”

“You’ll… probably, if not, definitely find out eventually. Heck, Princess Celestia might tell you about where I’m from in the future.”

Twilight nodded. “Well, it was a pleasure meeting you, Fruit Punch. But we gotta get ready for the Running of the Leaves.”

“We do as well; I’ve always wanted to partake in something like the Running of the Leaves. It is a pleasure meeting you six,” Chrysalis threw me on her back.

Apple Jack, the cowgirl and apple farmer, and Rainbow Dash glared at each other for some reason.

I have the number four strapped to my ass! Woo! This must be what it feels like to be in one of those races, where you bet on which numbered horse will get what place, and then promptly wanna kill yourself because number six came in dead last after you betted your life’s savings on it coming in fifth place. That is… oddly specific, I know, but hear me out. I read that in a newspaper- I mean website, who uses newspapers anymore?

Ponies do. Wifi they have not, news websites they access cannot.

Chrysalis was sitting on her haunches with the number seven on her butt, which made me kinda sad, because now I can’t admire one side of her glorious flanks.

“Are you ready, Fruit?” Chrysalis pranced. “This will be so much fun!”

“Something tells me you like doing stuff that isn’t your queenly duties.”

“Of course. I love my Hive, and I would do anything for the great or good of the Hive, but I also like to do more laid back things such as this. Where I get to trot alongside my favorite little-“

“Hey!”

“-Stallion during a marathon. However,” Chryssy pointed at Twilight Sparkle. “I believe Twilight would like to speak with you, so I will allow you two to enjoy your time, and I will try to win a medal for you! Who knows? If you two are done with your conversation by the time I win, we can trot back down the road together, and then we can… chat.”

“As in make out.”

“I was trying to be subtle,” Chrysalis pouted.

“I know,” I smirked and pecked her on the cheek. “Good luck Crystal!” I trotted towards the starting line once called, and ended up right next to Twilight Sparkle of all ponies… Chryssy, you fucking planned this!”

“On your marks,” oh. Pinkie’s commentating. “Get set!” I didn’t even lower myself like everybody else. Just pace yourself, remember the advice you heard after sneaking into a track team’s practice, Fruit. Just trot along, and sprint at the end. Chrysalis, near the other end seemed to have the same idea, only bending her lengthy, very slim… sexy- what? Legs.

“Go!” A cloud of smoke kicked up, making me cough a bit, and it had quickly dissipated as soon as it had got kicked up. All that was left near the starting line was me, Chryssy, and Twilight of all ponies.

Chryssy pranced over to us, which was cute and kinda… God, I need to stop being entranced by my marefriend. It’s kinda hard not to be swallowed up by the sight of whoever you’re dating sometimes, you’re only attracted to them after all. Twilight had cheerfully greeted Chrysalis as we kept trotting our marry little arses through the forest.

“So… Fruit. You study pony psychology?” Twilight asked.

“Oh, Fruit Punch does. If he isn’t working, or spending time with me, he has his snout buried in a book on the subject! I constantly hear him mumbling about something as he reads, which I am assuming is comparing the psychology of other creatures!” Chrysalis’s eyebrows raised. “Quite the smart little pony if I must say so myself.”

“I would say I’m a bit of a novice when it comes to specifically pony psychology. I know more when it comes to… our more carnivorous neighbors, such as griffons.”

“Care to share a comparison? I would love to hear from an expert in those fields!”

“Nah,” Twilight kinda deflated. “I might really enjoy psychology, but I wouldn’t call myself an expert, and far from my expertise as a whole. Understanding how an entire species works is very different from my field, where I do my best to understand an individual. Understanding how a member of a certain species may generally act, but it isn’t a one and done thing, my friend.

“For instance, some ponies are rather timid, and others are very willing to stand up and fight if they are in trouble even if primal extincts may prevent them from doing so. Some are powerful rulers with almost nothing to fear, but are actually pretty fragile on the inside. Psychology is understanding how the brain works, not an easy layout for how griffins, ponies, or anything acts.”

“That… is a surprisingly good answer from you. It’s better than what most experts would say on the subject…” Twilight chuckled. “Like how all griffins are huge, money hungry, self serving jerks.”

“That’s incredibly racist.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, good talk, come now Fruit! We have a race to win!” I didn’t get to protest since Chrysalis started to drag me along by the tail. Ow! That’s connected to my skull you asshole!

“By the way Twilight, treat Princess Celestia like you would a friend, not a goddess; she’ll appreciate it- ow! Son of a bitch!” My tail is aching now, and my butt is broken.

Chrysalis and I, mostly Chrysalis, slowed her pace down a notch, and my tail was finally released. Now the forest we were running in was gorgeous. Tall, but not too tall, oak trees all crowned in orange and yellow leaves that fell as we ran down the path. Not a lot of leaves fell, but some did every now and then and it was enough to give a nice, quiet, serene feel to the path.

Good thing my ass was still on fire from it being connected to my tail, which was used to drag me along. So I got to enjoy it.

“Did you really have to drag me by the tail?” I grumbled, limping a tiny bit. Chrysalis’s eyes widened for a moment, and I was zapped with a green magical spell type of thing, and the pain in my rear began to dissipate, before it had completely disappeared. Damn, magic can do that? That seems really useful, and it’s a good thing that I probably won’t learn how to do that.

The amount of dumb, dangerous shit I would do to impress Chryssy and get away with it.

“I’m sorry, Fruity, I just wanted to get you away from Twilight for a bit so that we can chat. I was hoping to use this time to just walk and talk with you, and I plan on making good on that time,” Chrysalis’s disguise really helped with making me forgive the big buggy; she’s just so damn cute that I couldn’t help but forgive her.

And some time alone? In a forest? Hell yeah baby!

“So, I’ve noticed that you’ve made friends with Thorax,” Chrysalis started, bringing her voice down so nobody can hear us.

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Yes… and no,” Chryssy hummed. “On one hoof, Thorax finally has someling, or somepony in this case, who will be treating him nicely. Unfortunately it might put more of a spotlight on the poor drone since he is friends with ‘The Queen’s Plaything’. However, thanks to your verbal lashing of the last drones who bullied Thorax, I doubt any of that attention will be bad attention.

“In fact, most of the harassment sent towards Thorax is from Coaxa and his lackeys… and I do try my best to prevent such harassment, but I can’t be everywhere at once, and often, thanks to the Hive Mind we changelings have, and can tap into, Coaxa got away with a lot of the bullying. So luckily you did put an end to that. Noling wanted to ‘rat Coaxa out’, or else that little shit would’ve gone after them as well. So I couldn’t truly ‘confirm’ what was happening to Thorax. Especially since Thorax seems a little scared of me for some reason.”

“I just hate bullies. Yeah, I get why you’re feeling down, but putting somepony, or someling down, but that doesn’t give you the right to ruin somebody else’s day. Because all you’re doing is ignoring the problems you have, which is bad enough, and then giving somebody else problems. And sometimes those problems build for the person that’s getting bullied. It builds, and builds, and builds.

“And I’m not sure if Thorax would, but with the type of harassment that kept coming his way, getting worse and worse every time, he’d either run away, or kill himself… No other changeling besides Pharynx stood up for Thorax, right?” That received a nod. “Yup, that would just be a recipe for suicide, or Thorax defecting just to have friends. Even if those friends aren’t of the same species, or of another Hive that might be as likely to kill him as taking him in as a friend. It wouldn’t have mattered to Thorax, as that poor fella would want to just get out of the situation.”

“A very good set of points as to why befriending Thorax is a good thing… You still put three drones into emotional therapy, by the way. Very impressive; I heard the ‘verbal beat down’ through the Hive Mind, as did everyling else. It was very sexy, and very destructive to the mind of a changeling. How did you pick up on that so quickly?”

“They were calling Thorax useless, how he is of zero help to the Hive, and I figured the asshat was self reflecting. Low and behold, I was right, and used that to break Coaxa down.”

“And you say you’re not very bright.”

“I can read situations, and no matter the species… ” I leaned in. “Or universe,” I leaned back out. “A bully’s gonna bully, and bullies tend to have a lot of insecurities. I, however, kinda forget to think stuff through before I do it. I may have some decent insight thanks to my background, but I’m still prone to being really dumb all the time. Plus, despite knowing how I should talk to people, or ponies, I am still socially awkward even if I got a degree on how to be social or whatever.”

Chrysalis hummed.

“I just hated seeing somebody get beaten down like that; the little guy was being pushed around. I didn’t think about what I was doing and kinda… emotionally scarred somebody while protecting somebody else from something similar. I can give therapy sessions to Coaxas and his buddies to make up for what I did to them.”

“Don’t worry about it, but if you insist, I can arrange therapy sessions with you, Coaxas, and his two friends in the future.” Chrysalis reached over and planted a kiss on my head. “Just keep your verbal lashings at a simple, verbal slap. We don’t have enough emotional support drones for all the mental baggage you can cause!”

“Did we win?” Apple Jack and Rainbow Dash asked, panting, in a pony pile on the ground. It was kinda amusing, watching them come dead last, not just dead last, but a whole two hours after everyone else, and then being told they came in dead last by Pinkie Pie. Twilight had managed a respectable second, while Chryssy got third, and I had somehow got fifth place despite being right by Chrysalis. Despite what Twilight says, she has a good dead sprint. Not a long one, but fast enough to beat me and Chrysalis towards the end.

Damn those dead, very not alive, ghost ponies. Stealing my fourth place medal from right under my nose.

Everyone else was drained from doing a dead sprint the whole race, making the last leg really easy to win. Hence the three of us having a surprisingly good placement throughout the marathon.

Needless to say, this was a fun race, and we get souvenirs to remember the Running of the Leaves by. Rainbow and Apple Jack were shocked that a librarian had outran them, along with a fast food employee, and a unicorn that, if Chrysalis was a normal unicorn(or a unicorn at all), who should have far less stamina than the two of them.

“We should do this again next year,” I suggested.

“Good idea, but…” Chrysalis snatched me up again. “We are going camping for a week, until the train is fixed up!”

“Hey… let’s do something fun while we camp…”

“Oh? How about you, me, thigh high socks, and an all night cuddle session?” Chrysalis asked.

“Hell yeah! Bring on the cuddles!” We both pranced off deeper into the forest, where a tent had been set up by some random pony, likely a changeling, and crawled inside.

Author's Note

no, they didn’t have sexy times yet.