Not So Funny Story

Finally, we were moving again, the train’s fixed, fueled, and up and running. So now I was sitting in a train car with Chrysalis, who was currently drooling all over me, and it was night time. We were currently sharing a train car with Twilight and her friends, who were mainly going to Canterlot because Twilight’s brother was getting married. All six of them were knocked out, while I was simply unable to sleep, thinking about what the heck I’m gonna be doing with my last week off of work. Because having that much accumulated free time at any point just seems completely unheard of to me.

I slowly read a book on magic, while doing my best to stay open, it wasn’t much fun to read, but I needed to learn how to actually make use of my magic now that I can kinda do it. My telekinesis isn’t exactly up to par yet, so I was making use of a book stand that Twilight was nice enough to let me borrow. It was kinda hard to turn the pages without disturbing my marefriend, but I made it work. Currently I was on the ‘magic training section’ where you spend a lot of time improving your control over your magic.

As it turns out, everypony has a set amount of strength in their magic. Granted, not all of that strength is tapped into very often, and some are obviously stronger than others. Magical training, and magical lessons are more about tapping into all of a unicorn’s magical potential, and then helping said unicorn learn how to control their magic. For instance, Twilight Sparkle was apparently incredibly powerful and had a lot of ‘magic reserves’ to tap into. All while having tutorage directly from Princess Celestia herself, giving Twilight a lot of power and then a lot of control over that power.

One thing that drove magic was… your emotions. While more skilled unicorns can tap into every bit of magic needed, without being bent on emotions, emotions did play a role. The happier you are, or other positive emotions, usually your magic is more stable. When shocked, your magic will be more sporadic with quick bursts of strength, at least when using your magic to do something. It was kinda neat, since hate and spite could be used to fuel a special kinda magic, which was apparently so inherently horrible that the most skilled unicorns in this magical field… could be as bad, if not worse than Adolf Hitler in terms of how awful they are.

Dark Magic, powerful, mysterious, and apparently easier to learn than normal magic, but could taint the heart and soul of the user.

So I’m staying the fuck away from that even if humans are usually very hateful and spiteful.

I turned a page with my magic and silently cheered to myself! I just used telekinesis in a pretty controlled manner! A stupid little grin grew on my face as I quickly flipped the pages to the index and looked it over… A page on magical augmentation? That sounds fun. I flipped through the pages once more, feeling proud of how much more controlled my magic was after doing magic, training warm ups for the last three hours.

Oh… this is something straight out of Star Wars. If a unicorn so desires, they can augment certain things about themselves, speed, strength, reflexes, anything about their physical body really. Granted, they won’t reach an earth pony in terms of strength or endurance, or a pegasus’s agility and speed, but it can be helpful in… combat. Well, I doubt I’ll need to know how to do this, but I do like the idea of being just a little faster at making sandwiches at Hayburger. So I began to read-

“Fruit Punch,” Ugh... My head.

“Fruit Punch…” That was Chrysalis.

“Fruity, you cute little thing, wake up! We’re in Canterlot!” My eyes shot open. “And you need to see what’s going on!” I shot up and… the city is covered in a pink, magical bubble kinda thing. Huh. Was this for the wedding? To make it so, if it rains(which would be odd given that their are weather schedules, with ponies who are more than capable of controlling the weather to match those schedules), but perhaps the wedding was scheduled for a day it was going to be raining, and the ponies involved wanted it to be nice and clear.

I hopped out of my seat, using a tiny bit of that magical augmentation while performing the action, and hummed. That was ever so slightly easier than doing that usually was. Well, might as well attempt that at every opportunity until I start feeling migraines, a sign of magical fatigue. And I’ll keep doing it before the migraines because the more you do something, the better you’ll get, right? Plus it might actually help with my magical endurance. So this will be a fun little practice bout.

“Any idea as to what’s going on?”

“No, but I assume we shall figure it out upon exiting the train.” Chrysalis nudged me. “And don’t think I haven’t noticed you practicing your magic last night; you’re already attempting to augment your physical abilities.” The disguised bug clapped her hooves. “Hoohoohoo! You’re learning quite quickly! I cannot wait to begin teaching you more advanced magical theory when you become more used to using magic!”

“But isn’t Fruit a unicorn? Shouldn’t he already know how to use magic?” Twilight asked, overhearing our little conversation.

“I couldn’t exactly use magic until recently, never had an interest, nor the money to really get proper tutoring in the subject. Crystal offered to teach me, and so far has done a good job. Even if her teaching method involves having me read this book and practicing what’s in it,” I shrugged. “Though I do learn best hands- hooves on, so I don’t mind.”

Nobody caught my slip up.

“And I got him to ignite his First Spark! Oh, to think that only a mere week ago you were struggling with it! Now look!” Crystal pointed at the book in my telekinesis. “You at least have the fundamentals of telekinesis, even if it does appear to be a bit weak, but control and strength develops over time.”

“A unicorn who didn’t like using magic… that’s a new one,” Twilight murmured before struggling. “Well, c’mon girls, my brother said he’d meet me at the castle gates when we get off the train!” Chrysalis and I looked at each other. “And I suppose you two can come along, I’m willing to bet that Shining Armor would love to meet you two as well!” Oh. Would now be a good time to tell Twilight that her brother is currently the fiance to a Princess? According to her, she didn’t even know Shining Armor was getting married in a week until yesterday.

Meh, Shining Armor, you’re fucked on this one.

I shivered when we passed through the magical bubble.

Wow, the wild Twilight Sparkle is scary. Twilight had just spent the last four minutes berating Shining Armor for not telling her about the wedding. Like Jesus, some of the insults being tossed towards the captain were really funny, and the only kinda insults siblings could share with each other. And while the guards did their best at showing it, I could tell there was a slight amusement in them seeing their boss being yelled at. Even Chrysalis could feel how some of the guards found the whole situation to be really fucking funny.

Shining Armor went on to explain who Princess Mi Amore Cadenza is, Cadance, and how he wanted Twilight to be the ‘best mare’. Shining Armor gave a nod to me and Chrysalis, mostly me, before leading us through the gates. A pony passing by got scanned, but none of us, all seven ponies and a disguised Changeling Queen weren’t scanned because Shining Armor gave us special clearance… and holy shit, that is some bad security.

What if Shining Armor is an imposter? What if, y’know, one of the ponies who got that special clearance… could fucking transform? I mean, I’m glad, since it woulda been awkward to explain why I was dating a changeling, mainly because everyone who isn’t a guard would run and hide, while the guards would try to assault my marefriend, but still, this is about the equivalent of wanting to stop a mass shooting at a firearm awareness convention, and not stopping anybody to see if they’ve got a concealed firearm on them.

After passing the main walls of Canterlot, we quickly ran into Cadance, who used to apparently babysit Twilight apparently. The two of them did a little chant and giggled together when a dumb little idea came to mind. Chrysalis nipped my ear though, probably sensing, and then easily guessing what was on my mind. I chuckled before making a zipping motion with my mouth, and ‘tossed the zipper’.

“Ah Fruit Punch! I was wondering where you were!” Cadance trotted up to me. “I sent a couple of letters to your home, but nopony was there. Except for an old bowl of oatmeal,” I side eyed Chrysalis, who gave me a cute little smile, the kind you’d give when you just got caught. “I was hoping to get you to help cater for the wedding.”

“Wasn’t… Apple Jack doing the catering?”

“Ah was told that Ah’d be helping with the catering. Not doing all the catering.”

“Wait, you know Princess Cadance?” Twilight interrupted yet again.

“Kinda, she’s seen me around.”

“And chatted with me over tea, often with one of my aunts around, played a round of mini golf with me, and most importantly, had catered at my wedding announcement dinner party. I must admit, I am a little addicted to those little… pie things. What were those?”

“Pizza?”

“Yes! Pizza! Though it didn’t seem like any kind of pizza I’ve ever had.”

“That’s because my pizza’s a family secret recipe… wait a second. I gotta cater again?”

“If you could, it would be greatly appreciated. I’ll even pay you for your efforts if that’s something you desire…” Cadance patted me on the shoulder. “However, if you don’t wish to, it’s fine. We’ve got Apple Jack, and I’ve heard of how legendary the Apple family is at cooking… We’ll just have to leave Apple with most of the work…” a slight wink ended that. Celestia, stop teaching your niece how to fucking manipulate people, you big, white, sun raising bitch! I sighed and shrugged.

“Guess I’ll make pizza for your wedding,” I glanced over at Chrysalis. “Wanna help out? I bet the two of us could get all the catering done in an hour or so.”

“Of course. I want to see how you make your ‘family secret recipe’ pizza,” Chrysalis’s tone implied that she wanted a lot more than just that.

Chrysalis and I had made bagel bites. Well, not exactly bagel bites, but they were pretty much bagel bites. I got a bunch of burger buns, laid out the sauce and toppings for the pizza, and then stuck them in a room that was enchanted to keep the pizzas cold for a while. Then, when the bagel bites were needed, we could pop a tray or two in the oven and they were fresh and ready to go… I just invented frozen pizza in Equestria. It took blood, sweat, and a lot of kissing, but I basically invented frozen pizza in Equestria.

So now that my part of the catering was done-

Cadance had just burst through the doors, doing the whole ‘make sure my wedding is planned out well and not have it horribly wrong’ thing. Cadanced seemed to really like anything and everything Apple Jack made, and even sampled some tomato soup that Chrysalis had made for the wedding as well. Then she walked over to me and squinted her eyes. I chuckled as she looked over my very empty table that should be covered edge to edge in food and snacks.

“Fruit, did you even do anything?”

“Okay listen, pizza is best fresh out of the oven. I’ve got a bunch of pies in the cooler room, all of which are ready to pop into the oven. I can get a tray and prepare some for you to try if you want.”

“That would be nice… oh my,” she followed me into the walk-in and noticed seventeen trays with the bagel bites, twenty a tray, lined up on racks.

“Would you believe that I have thirteen more trays being worked on?” I pointed to Chrysalis, who was eying her work like a cat, putting together bagel bite after bagel bite, tray after tray. “Nevermind, Chrysalis got those thirteen done. I’ll make you an extra bagel bite or two to sample, sounds good?” Cadance simply nodded, and I went and got to work. Bun, sauce, cheese, and a couple bits of banana peppers, the most popular topping at my pizza cart when I actually sold pizza. I kicked the oven closed and set a timer for ten minutes.

“Ah must say, whatever is in that oven, smells pretty good, Fruit,” Apple Jack said from across the room, laying icing out on the cake she had just finished making.

I just sat around awkwardly, waiting for the timer, and… oh, there it is. I took the tray out, and there were six bagel bites. Chrysalis, being the lady she is, snatched one with her magic before stuffing it in her mouth. “Hoohoo! That is good!” Cadance grabbed a bagel, and I offered one to Apple, low and behold, they both liked it.

“Okay, these being more bite sized makes it even more addictive! Are you certain that you don’t wish to be a royal chef? I hear Auntie Celestia hoping that you open up your food cart again, so she can grab a pizza for herself! Heck, even that pasta you made was pretty good, but that’s more of a meal thing than a snack you’d find at a party.”

“Fruit will be opening up a food cart again shortly after the wedding… I’ll make sure of it,” Chrysalis grinned and I felt my heart drop. “No worries Fruit, I will assist you. I’m aware of how stressed your test run was.” Oh great- Apple no, put that tray down, that is for the fucking party- Apple? Apple!

Apple Jack stuck another tray of bagel bites in the oven before I could stop her.

Okay, I hate suits. I hate how they look, I hate getting them tailored, and I hate being used as a mannequin for my own suit. Okay, I don’t hate suits, and I do look kinda okay(Chrysalis threatened me with sex after seeing me in my suit), and the suit is really comfy. It’s just the fact that inorder for me to get this suit, Rarity had tracked me down and poked me with needles after measuring me for the last hour. And the worst part of all of this was the fact that I wasn’t even supposed to wear the suit until the wedding.

That was my payment for catering, an invitation to a ‘royal wedding’, and I was kinda okay with that. While I wouldn’t be super close with anypony attending, I was at least kinda friends with the bride, and kinda knew the groom. God, I am probably gonna hate the party, since if it’s a royal wedding, then that means a lot of snobs are gonna attend the party, and it’s a shame too. Since Pinkie planned a party out that looked super fun on paper, but probably won’t be fun because a rich asshole will complain about how a pinata is for the common folk.

And… now we just wait, I guess. Wait for the wedding in two, maybe three days, and wonder what I’m doing with myself. I could end my vacation a little early and work for a couple days, but my boss said ‘you best enjoy your month off, or you’re fired. Don’t try to end your vacation early or I’ll give you an earful, ya hear?” Hence why that isn’t really an option. I know Mr. Mint was joking, but like, still, that left me with two days of doing nothing.

At least Chrysalis and I had gotten offered to stay in the castle for those two days!

And… Here we are! Sitting in the back row, waiting for the wedding to begin. Twilight was happily standing with her brother, waiting for Cadance to finally walk in. Chrysalis was sitting next to me, in a dress that made her look very lovely, while leaning into me. This is kinda nice… Oh god, what would our wedding look like? I know Chrysalis was planning on marrying me, and I want to marry Chrysalis, but I don’t know when we can do that.

A bunch of banging broke everyone’s attention.

“Oh dear…” Chrysalis shivered and shot up.

“Chryssy?”

“Fruit, there are currently ten thousand drones above Canterlot right now.”

“Wait wha?” Shining Armor staggered as the sound of glass shattering echoed through all of our ears.

“Fruit Punch, get behind me, and do not-” Chrysalis was struck with a purple beam. Twilight was looking angry… and Chrysalis was now undisguised, and had been knocked out of her chair. I quickly panicked, hopped out of my chair to try and help my marefriend up.

“C’mon Chrysalis! We need to get-” hell broke loose.