“As you see, fence is along line of the border of my land, and everything in that border marked by the fence-“

Why did I agree to this? Just why. I know I wanted to be a therapist, and I want to help people with their problems, but how was this a problem? Why? Why the fuck do you, a pony, who makes a couple hundred times what I make a year, in a month, is complaining about how your land is an inch thinner along the borders than it should be? You see, my problem today is that I agreed to spend time with Celestia, and ended up being her temporary assistant throughout day court. This just means I get to read legal documents and listen to what people say.

It’s going well, this guy’s been going for eight minutes over… a small amount of land.

“As you see, I have lost a good inch on the land I spent my hard earned bits on.”

I looked up at Celestia, and while wasn’t as openly displaying it, she was bored and a bit annoyed at how the first petitioner in day court. He had not only chewed out twenty minutes of time, but managed to make a whole speech about missing an entire inch of land on one side of a four acre property he had bought in the middle of fuck all. Like it was kinda impressive even if it was annoying as fuck. It was so incredibly boring and I actually want to listen to ‘baby’ by Justin Bieber now.

That’s how fucking annoying this guy was.

“Hey,” I spoke up, just as soon as the guy was done speaking.

“Yes?” The noble asked.

“So this document here,” I swiped it from Celestia and read it over. “Say you bought four acres of land, right?” I asked, reading it over.

“I did, why do you say, commoner?”

“Well, I’m no genius, but it says you got four acres of land, and the map clearly shows… four acres of land. And that you got… exactly four acres of land, bought directly from the crown. As far as I’m aware, it says four acres, not four acres and an inch, Mr. Fil Bust.” I read the document a couple more times. “You had an inspector check this out too?” I asked. Another nod. “Cool, go on your way then.”

“But you have no authority here, you’re not Princess Celestia!”

“I’m dating Queen Chrysalis, and legally her consort. Princess Celestia, do tell me, does Chrysalis register as a foreign leader or a Princess of Equestria?” I asked, using my best, British ‘I have a soup ladle shoved up my ass’ voice. It was important because… I don’t know, it just seemed appropriate given how this guy talks. Like this guy talks as if he runs his own kingdom with how much he’s talking himself up. It’s getting really… fun to listen to this man suck his own dick.

“If I remember the terms correctly, by law, Queen Chrysalis is a political leader in Equestria with authority similar to, or on par with my own or Princess Luna’s. As Queen Chrysalis’s consort, you do speak for her when Chrysalis is not present. So legally, you are allowed to run daycourt in my stead, or help me make decisions if necessary. And I must agree with you, Fruit. Nothing here says Mr. Buster was cheated out of any land.” Celestia said, rereading over the document herself; she knows I barely comprehend whatever the fuck is in that legal document.

“Cool,” I looked at the noble. “Get out please. Or else Scatter will sit off to the side, stare at you, and judge you.” In the corner of the room, said changeling was sitting, with her eyes being bigger than usual, squinting at the noble while judging him. I know I would be terrified if Scatter judged me like that.

“Why should I even listen to Queen Chrysalis, let alone her stupid consort-“

“If you say my marefriend is ugly, or insult her in anyway, I will stab you in the eye. Also, you’ll have sixteen drones, that see Queen Chrysalis as a surrogate mother, drop out of nowhere and they will pummel you with pillows.” I pointed at a pillar. “That’s a changeling,” I pointed at a window. “That’s a changeling-“

Ow.

The asshole just sucker punched me. In an instant, Skitter body slammed the fucker before dragging him off to what I assume was the dungeons. I rubbed my cheek a couple times, and shrugged. Pharynx has hit me harder than that, and Chrysalis can definitely hit harder than that, In other words, Fil Buster’s a pussy.

Aside from Fil Buster, okay scratch that, the next six rich assholes, things were going smoothly in day court. I got to actually help a pony out, as they were struggling with finding the courage to just speak in front of their whole class during a presentation. Celestia may have given a speech or two over the years and had given advice to help calm the poor mare. I even gave her a few tips, such as thinking of what everypony would look like while wearing silly hats, as the whole underwear trick wouldn’t work very well for various reasons.

Mainly because ponies were pretty much always naked, so silly hats and costumes would have to do.

I was feeling pretty good about myself until a stallion, maybe a teenaged colt I’m not fully sure, walked into the room. The poor guy didn’t look particularly wealthy, and had seen much nicer weather before coming here today. In fact, the poor fella had apparently been crying so much that his legs were shaking. Celestia looked down at me, before turning her attention to the sobbing pony before her. The poor fella’s usually yellow coat was brown, his red and yellow mane was a mess, and his tail looked like somebody went through it with a buzz saw. His cutie mark was a book.

He was a pegasus too.

“Y-your hi-highness. I-I’ve come because-”

“Woah buddy,” I hopped out of the chair I had borrowed, as day court was taking way longer than I’d expected. And while my hooves felt very not sensitive, it would be nice to sit down while hearing an idiot rant about how their taxes are too high even though they make six figures. I then waltzed on over, plopped my rump right next to the petitioner and wrapped a foreleg around his neck. “Breathe like this,” I held my other hoof up to my chest, and the colt mimed me. Three deep breaths, we took three deep breaths, paused, and took another three.

“Have you calmed down a bit?” I asked. The stallion nodded. “Good, what’s your name, bud?”

“M-my name is Novel Tale,” the colt’s stutter had calmed down at least. That’s a good sign. “I’m here because… I need-”

“Start from the beginning,” I coaxed.

“Y-you see, I flunked a test that could’ve gotten me into a professional flight school,” Novel leaned onto my shoulder. “And… m-my parents disowned me. Said I would never amount to anything after I told them what I was actually passionate about. I-I don’t want to be a professional stunt flier! I want to write stories! And… And my p-parents couldn’t exce-except that!” Novel began to cry on my shoulder while I rubbed his back.

“Just let it all out bud, trust me, it’s good to cry…” God damn, what the actual shit, man? I know my parents basically disowned me, but we were never particularly close. If I had to wager, I’d say Novel was at least close with his parents until this incident; probably parents who only love their children if their children follow what they dream of. Not what the child dreams of, mind you, but what the parents dream of their children becoming. The moment said child deviates from what their parents want, boom, ties cut. I took a deep breath before looking up at Celestia.

“Do you know any schools in Canterlot that offer writing classes?” Celestia nodded.

“Even my own personal school provides creative writing classes, yes. Why do you ask?”

“Say Novel, how old are ya?”

“Four-fourteen, sir-sir,” Novel said. He was a little shaky now from how much he was crying. Jesus fuck, dude. That… isn’t even right.

“Princess Celestia, does your school have any rules or conditions for its attendees?”

“Of course, one must be a unicorn,” Celestia said. Darn. Time to negotiate. Obi Wan will be proud of my skills.

“Care to make an exception for this fella? If there’s any fees, I’ll take care of them. Just give this poor fella some creative writing classes… Say, Novel, got any samples of writing?” The pegasus opened up a wing and revealed a couple pieces of paper held together by staples. That’s a pretty smart way of carrying things. I grabbed them in my telekinesis and… Yup, a writing sample. I read it over, and to my surprise, it was pretty good. Given how little Novel could work with how short the story was, it was good. Short, simple, there was even a few lines in here that made me chuckle because they were actually decent jokes. It even had a moral or two to teach.

No mistakes either.

“Celestia, please, please give this fella a chance, or give him the money to get into a good school. If he’s gotta take a loan, I’ll take the debt from loan for him.” Novel recoiled in shock. “You got fucked over, really fucking hard, and I know how fucked your parents must actually be to disown you and leave you with nothing. I’m making sure you at least have a chance at following what you dream of; everyone deserves a chance to dream after all.”

The sun princess gave the writing samples back and hummed. “I believe I can get a prestigious school to give Mr. Tale a free education. I cannot make a spot in my School for Gifted Unicorns to a pegasus, but I can at least ensure you get an education in a field you actually enjoy,” Celestia said. Novel looked up at Celestia, before leaping off my shoulder, hopping up and down while squealing ‘yes’, and occasionally he hovered in the air with his wings.

“Thank you!” Novel pulled me into a hug and nuzzled his cheek into mine. A sense of pride swelled up. Ah, even the teenaged ponies were absolutely adorable! I wrapped a foreleg around the kid and held him.

“However, you will need a place to stay in Canterlot while you partake in your studies. I believe you are too old to be sent to an orphanage, and yet too young to legally own property or pay a mortgage… You also still need a legal guardian.” Celestia hummed. “Perhaps I can ask Princess Luna how she would feel about having a nephew?” Novel gasped and fainted, nearly falling on the floor if I hadn’t caught him.

“Great, we just made his day, and you go and give him a heart attack, Celly. Good going.” chuckled.

“Well, it would be wrong to simply send Novel out to live on the streets after what he has been through. And while he is nearly an adult, I would still adopt him; nopony would take in a fourteen year-old colt without making them pay rent of some sort. And he legally requires one in order to attend school in Canterlot. And…” Celestia had a devious little look in her eye. “I can personally tutor Novel Tale and aid him in his studies should he require the help.” I can also see Novel rushing into the throne room mid-court just to show Celestia something he’s proud of.

It would probably tick off any noble in court at the time-

You smart bitch. A new way to take the piss out of the snobs, and you get a cute little foal you get to take care of? While giving him the education he needs? Sounds like a win-win-win.

So, Luna may or may not enjoy the idea of having a nephew. Probably because she is now holding that new nephew under her wing while said nephew silently wrote in a notebook he was recently given.

You see, Celestia wasn’t bullshitting, and had actually adopted Novel Tale shortly after daycourt, and had introduced him to Luna. Luna loves children, and Novel Tale happened to find Luna’s presence to be very comforting. Needless to say, both ponies were quite happy with the new arrangement. On occasion, Luna would make suggestions to whatever Novel Tale was writing, or nuzzle her newly adopted nephew while they rested in front of the fireplace. I, on the other hand, just sat on the couch of the lounge chambers we were in, sitting with an ounce of pride.

I helped somepony, I didn’t have the exact means to help said somepony, but I got them the help that they needed. It… made me feel happy, knowing that I had managed to play some role in turning a poor kid’s life around for the better, and I got to see the results. Novel was looking much better for wear too, having been brought to the Royal Groomers to get himself cleaned up, bathed, and dusted. And now Luna couldn’t get enough of the fact that she now had an ‘adorable nephew’ and had yet to even leave the colt’s side.

The two of them, sitting in front of that fireplace, is adorable.

Novel managed to send in an application to ‘Private School for Gifted Authors’, along with the short little story myself and Celestia had read as a part of the application process. Oh, and a recommendation from both Royal Sisters, y’know, minor things to seal the deal.

A knock on the private chamber made Celestia to quickly stand up and go answer whoever may be knocking the door. The Princess and whoever the heck she was talking with had a rather hushed conversation, before Celestia eventually fully disappeared out of the room, leaving both Luna and Novel staring at the door shutting. What the heck is going on now? Did Satan discover that ponies were happy and wanted to ruin that?

Probably.

“Fruit, keep an eye on Novel,” Luna said before rushing after her sister. The door clicked on the way out…

“So, I have a fun idea for you to write about. I turned to Novel Tale, sliding off the couch to watch what he’s writing. It was mostly to keep his mind off of… whatever might be happening.

“Really?” Novel’s ears perked up at the potential writing prompt. He almost immediately forgot that his adopters just stormed out of the room too. Good.

“Lemme tell you about humans and the horrible atrocities they’ve done…”

By the time Princess Celestia and Luna had returned, Novel had already drafted together a ten chapter-long chapter book where humans invade Equestria through a wormhole and attack Equestria’s residents, eventually, with the Princess’s combined might and leadership, fight back against the horrible race of hairless monkeys, and eventually obliterate humanity through the power of friendship. It was honestly really fun, and I got to keep Novel from being distracted with horrible shit.

Like what Celestia had just told me. A maid had been assigned to Novel Tale for the time being, so at least that kid was taken care of, even if he whined about being able to fend for himself.

It was kinda cute.

Anyways, the thing that Celestia and Luna summoned me and Chrysalis, Shining Armor and Cadance, and All six elements of harmony were being called in too for a nice, fun wholesome meeting that everyone will love. You see it’s all sunshine and rainbows-

“Ex-fucking-cuse me?” I shouted.

“Now Fruit, now is not the time for that language-“

“Celly, I love you, you’re a good friend of mine, but what the fuck? You tell me a good thousand years ago, sometime before Luna got banished, you fought some evil unicorn, defeated him, and he took an entire city state with him?” It was a rhetorical question. “Oh, by the way, the equivalent of Adolf fucking Hitler is back, but the Crystal Empire is back!” I swung my hoof.

“Yes?” Celestia blinked, not knowing who that is. Good, you really don’t want to know who that is, Celly.

“Okay cool. So who are we sending to deal with King Sombra,” yes, that was apparently pony Hitler.

“Princess Cadance and Shining Armor will be aiding the crystal ponies against King Sombra,” both of the mentioned ponies simply nodded, like this was discussed with them earlier. “and once arrive and settle in, Twilight Sparkle and her friends will he sent in as well, we will be sending them to the Crystal Empire as well. Why do you ask?”

“I don’t even know. Chances are, if the guy we’re talking about was dangerous enough for you to consider him a threat, I wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near that asshole.”

“No, you are not, Fruit. King Sombra went after a changeling hive during his rule, not my own, and I am quite grateful that he hadn‘t; that Hive barely lasted an hour against King Sombra’s forces.” Jesus christ, I didn’t know the fucker actually committed genocide. “He used each and every changeling, young, old, any drone and even the Queen to fuel his dark magic. Noling made it out alive.”

Bro, what the fresh fuck? Those are cuddlebugs: Not for genociding!

“Okay…” Yeah, I think I should stay away from Sombra then. “Though if Dark Magic thrives on negative emotions, then I definitely should stay even further away from Sombra,” everypony in the room raised an eyebrow at me. “What? Humans are very hateful creatures; we can barely stand each other. Humans find a reason to be angry even if everything is going their way. Humans can be incredibly spiteful. If my studies in magic are anything to go by, I would be a walking power source for Sombra.”

“That… is a very good point,” Celestia agreed. “Which is exactly why I am not sending you.”

“And because I would gut you and burn Canterlot to the ground if you threw my coltfriend's life at that monster,” Chrysalis snarled. “And that’s coming from me, a monster.” Ahah! A chance to bring everypony’s mood up!

“If being incredibly sexy makes you a monster… Then I think I might like monsters,” I let my voice smooth itself out as I whispered something into Chrysalis’s ears. Cadance was just staring at me, wide eyed, probably knowing what I’m saying since she can apparently sense emotions like a changeling does. Cadance slowly whipped out a notebook and scribbled something down before it disappeared in a pink flash.

“F-Fruit… We are- we’re having a serious moment here!” Chrysalis stuttered.

“Yeah, and I hate it. I just want Chryssy snuggles, and if I gotta go kick King Sombra in the dick to make sure I can get those Chryssy snuggles, I will. Perhaps a little more than Chryssy Snuggies?” I raised my eyebrows a couple times, and Chrysalis’s cheeks were bright red!

That’s adorable-

Oh hey, a black portal. That can’t be good… Ah fuck, not again!

“Greetings, my little pony,” standing before me was a unicorn that made cthulhu look cuddly and friendly. Bloodshot eyes, a horn that pointed up and curved sharply. While also being tipped in red by the way. A nice, silver crown, armor, a helmet, all the fun stuff… Why am I here?

“Yo, whoever the fuck you are, can you give me a map back to Canterlot? I have a marefriend I made a promise to, and I was hoping to fulfill that tonight.”

“I am afraid you do not understand who you are dealing with, my fellow dark lord.” The fuck?

“I am King Sombra.

Motherfucker-

Author's Note

welcome to hell, Fruit.