I just stared blankly at King Sombra, why? How? Dude, why the fuck? For starters, you asshole, me and Chryssy were going to do not very family friendly, pushing teen rating activities. Especially after I just teased her like that! Secondly, I don’t want anything to do with you, you asshole. You dragged me away from my Chryssy. You do not get in between myself or Chryssy. You will suffer because of what you’ve done to me, Sombra.

“So, why’d you drag me here? To drain me and fuel you for your stupid plan to take over Equestria?” I asked, cocking my head to the side.

“No,” Sombra stood up and started walking towards the window. “I am aware of the current situation; three alicorns and a changeling queen. I cannot take all four of them alone. Not when they have the Elements of Harmony backing them as well. So, I used a spell to find a creature with the highest potential in dark magic, so that I may have an apprentice. So when I war against Equestria, we shall reign victorious amongst those old hags!”

“Nah mate, nah,” I waved a hoof and yawned. “You see, that would involve killing not only two friends of mine, but also killing Queen Chrysalis. Doing that would suck because I love that bug, and because that bug loves me. I can’t even begin to humor the idea of even hurting Chrysalis even if I were capable of doing so; I love her too much to do that to her. So if you can shelf your plans for world domination that would be really nice.”

“Ah, ah, ah,” Sombra laughed. “Your marefriend doesn’t love you! She’s only using you for food-“

“I know. And? Every night Chryssy expresses her desires to marry me and have foals with me. If our relationship went as far as ‘prey and predator’, then I wouldn’t even be able to sense emotions. Plus if Chryssy doesn't eat, she can’t be alive, and if she can’t be alive then I can’t keep dating her. If I can’t do that, then I’ll be really sad. So what if I’m my marefriend’s food source; everyone needs food. And as her stallion, I will happily provide her with food… even if the mare usually provides for the family… I cannot wait to marry Chryssy.”

Sombra growled, before it looked like a light bulb went off in his head.

“And hurt Queen Chrysalis even more? That changeling is nearing two thousand, one hundred years of age, and she isn’t going to die of old age any time soon, if at all. With the power of dark magic, you can become immortal! Have your Queen-“

“I don’t want to live forever. Yeah, dying would suck due to Chryssy being possibly immortal,” I hummed. “Which is why we try to spend as much time as possible with each other.”

“Why the heck are you so lovey dovey with a bug?” Sombra shouted, before he took a deep breath. “Oh. My. Bucking- just join me! You could become a god!”

Time to play dumb!

“Fuck no. I don’t want people to worship me. And I also don’t like the idea of living forever.”

“I’ll kill you!”

“Cool. The McRib already did that to my stomach! Oof! I had to get my stomach pumped after eating five of those. Tasted like nothing but ketchup and salt, but boy is it tasty!”

“I’ll take your soul!”

“Can’t do that, Ronald Mcdonald already owns that. I think the Colonel owns it now, I’m not sure anymore.”

Ronald Mcdonald had long since loaned Fruit Punch’s soul to the Burger King. It was old, sad, and kinda dead feeling. Not very nutritious for the excitable, soul eating clown that is meant to represent a cooperation of soulless people. Oddly enough, all of Ronald’s employees’ souls tasted like that. Sad, and dead inside.

“Yo, can I have that?” Colonel Sanders asked the Burger King.

“No! We’ve barely got anything as is! We’re keeping this guy’s soul.”

“I’ll…” Sombra rubbed his chin. “What do you even fear? I can’t sense any radiating off of you!”

“Oh. I’m scared. I just know that Chryssy has already gotten a battalion of fifty changelings together to come and save me. Oh, and Celestia and Luna might be on the way by carriage. By the way, the current Elements of Harmony are a bunch of foals, so you don’t have anything to worry about. They’ll be here in seventeen months!” I grinned as Sombra’s smile grew more sinister. “Well? So scared you can’t react properly?”

First year psych student bullshit for the win!

“You think a mere army of fifty bugs will stop me? Let alone foals who probably don’t even comprehend the power they wield? Or two princesses that have probably been busy fattening themselves up on cake rather than working on their battle prowess. Over the years Celestia and Luna have grown arrogant due to how powerful their kingdom is. One kick in the right spot and it’ll come tumbling down!” Sombra laughed like a maniac.

“Man, you don’t sound scared. What am I supposed to do now?”I cocked my head. “Should I mention that Luna is bringing a couple of scores of dogs?”

Sombra just laughed, because I guess he’s so arrogant, and so confident in how ‘incompetent’ his opponents are, that he’ll believe them. Yes, I had that psychological assessment made pretty damn quickly just for this. It was pretty easy given how… two dimensional this guy is.

“Off to the dungeons with him,” Sombra instructed two of his ‘servants’(I don’t know what to call those demon looking things) before he went staring out the window. That’s right, bitch, I’ll stroke your ego until you get over confident. I will make sure your pride and arrogance are your downfall!

“Oh boy, a hotel room!” More laughing from Sombra.

Meanwhile with:

Queen Chrysalis

I waved to Cadance and Shining Armor as they departed from Canterlot on their private train, a battalion of guards was sent off with them, so at least they were safe. I don’t know how long it’s been since Fruit was taken away from me, time blurred into place, and I don’t know where he has been taken too, but I believe I have a good idea as to what took my coltfriend away from me judging from the magic that the portal spell was giving off. It was… such a nasty feeling, like if you were to touch it, you would instantaneously be killed because of how much Dark Magic was pouring out of it.

Given that Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, who have experience in fighting beings who practice dark magic(with one of them dabbling in dark magic as well), agreed on my assessment of the spell used, the three of us agreed on what had actually happened to Fruit.

And I still wasn’t given permission to go kill Sombra myself. I care not if Sombra can take both Royal Sisters at once, I will draw my sword and kill that son of a bitch… As Fruit Punch would put it. I growled as a hoof rested on my shoulder.

“Chrysalis, I know you are worried about Fruit Punch, but Equestria cannot afford to lose you,” Celestia sighed. “I’m worried about Fruit Punch, but for all we know, Fruit could already be dead, or Sombra had managed to coax Fruit into joining forces. If what Fruit Punch has said about humans is true, then it is safe to assume our friend may have already fallen. Or has been drained by Sombra to fuel that foul beast’s stomach for power.”

The two of us began walking back, a nice, cool breeze ruffled my mane, and the sunlight felt amazing upon my carapace. If it were not for the current circumstances, I would even consider today lovely, and would wholeheartedly steal Fruit Punch for a picnic and call it a date.

“And I need to know what happened to Fruit!” I snarled. “I want to at least have some closure; I want to know if I lost him already, either due to corruption from Dark Magic, or because Somrba has already killed him. I can’t wait to find out, Celestia. You and I are both aware of how we cannot wait when it comes to our lovers; we’re both incredibly long lived, while our lovers usually are not.” I choked. “And if Sombra has done anything to Fruit, I do not care, I am going to kill that shitbag.”

“You’ve even begun using phrases Fruit uses…” Celestia gave a humorless chuckle. “I can see why you would fight somepony who can easily overpower you for that stallion.”

“Of course. Even you’ve thrown me out after finding out what I actually was, Princess. When I showed Fruit what I was, he called me adorable!” I took another deep breath. “Please, at least task the Elements with at least finding Fruit Punch as well. If only for my peace of mind,” I grabbed Celestia with both hooves, not caring if we were in public. “Please. Please have them immediately notify me of Fruit Punch’s status when they do find him. For my peace of mind.”

“Of course I will, Chrysalis-“

I hugged Celestia and began to cry into her neck. A pair of white wings encompassed my form soon after.

Fruit Punch

I tried to dig in my nose, just sitting around and waiting to be rescued or executed is kind of boring. Granted, it’s scary as fuck, because I don’t want to die, but if I do die, it won’t be too bad. Actually, it’ll suck, because I don’t think the afterlife has a Queen Chrysalis to cuddle with. So I just sat and groaned because my hoof was too big to stuff into my nose. The entrance to the dungeons opened up, and Sombra walked in, all dangerous and deadly. Wow, this guy is so spooky and so scary, but the whole emperor thing isn’t your thing, Sombra. Like seriously, dark, tall, gloomy? You aren’t Darth Vader.

Bitch, stop trying to be Darth Vader, you will never equal Darth Vader… that won’t actually stop me from shitting myself in fear, but I won’t let you know about that, will I, Sombra?

“The Princess of Love and her Husband have arrived, Fruit Punch. They’re already being overwhelmed in their stronghold. Now would be a good time to show your faith in darkness; go, I will set you free, and I want you to kill them.” Sombra then opened up my prison cell as I began to contemplate what Chrysalis would think of me killing Cadance and Shining Armor. On one hand, she would think I’m awful, and on the other, she’ll think I’m awful and won’t have Cadance.

You see, Cadence and Chryssy hit it off apparently since they're best friends now. Likely due to their shared traits of being able to sense magic, Cadance also helped with keeping Chrysalis fed(to a small amount. Chryssy prefers her love directly from me). In fact, I won’t be surprised if the two of them end up dating each other in the distant future, which would be nice. It would be nice to have somebody around to keep my marefriend, and future wife, company when I’m gone. And potentially even give my Chryssy happiness once more, which cannot happen if I kill Cadance.

Also, Cadance is really nice, I don’t wanna kill her. And Shining still owes me a drink or two. Also he’s pretty nice, even after I threatened to cut his balls off if he harmed Chrysalis(I will apologize to him for that when I see him again). So why would I wanna kill them-

“Will you pay me?” I asked.

“Of course! I will reward you with a city for you to rule over once we take over Equestria!”

“Cool. But I want half of Equestria.”

“You cannot-”

“But weren’t we equals?”

“Of course!”

“So shouldn’t we each own half of Equestria when we take over the world and stuff?”

“I…”

“Well? You want me to join you, so we’re gonna be equals.”

“You know what? I no longer care! I am taking over your mind whether you like it or not! I gave you an option, but you seem so dense that it’s like you’re trying to be an idiot!”

Of course I am, I’m only human, after all. Oh cool, everything’s going black-

“Fruit Punch?” Ugh… my head hurts. What the fuck? “Fruit!” Oh, that sounds like Twilight Sparkle. “He’s awake, everypony!” The unicorn then began to look me over for some reason. Like a scanny spell and everything. The unicorn then wandered around behind me while she did so. She took notes before giving them to Spike to send off to… somewhere.

“Twilight, no means to be rude, but I don’t like having anypony other than Chryssy staring at my ass.” The unicorn’s ears perked up as her face quickly became redder than a tomato. That is hilarious.

“W-well, I doubt there’s any-any dark magic in Fruit,” Twilight announced to… whoever. Wait, hold on, an easy joke.

“No denials of staring at my butt, Twi? Chryssy won’t be happy with that.”

“I-I wasn’t staring at your flank!” Twilight’s blush got even deeper and she buried her face in her hooves. Her voice got all squealing and muffled. It was so fucking cute! God, ponies are cute. Granted, changelings are cuter, but ponies get close to being on chngeling levels of cute.

Suddenly, very quiet screaming managed to reach my ears, making me wince a little bit. I looked past my very embarrassed acquaintance to see something pretty interestingly weird.

“What’s…” I looked behind Twilight Sparkle, behind her, Sombra was convulsing on the ground, screaming about how ‘that pony’s mind is bucked up’ or whatever. Awe, here I was hoping to become Darth… FuckifIknow. “What’s up with Sombra? That guy and I were discussing my payment if I assassinated Cadance and your brother-”

Twilight lowered herself to the ground, igniting her horn.

“Calm down, Princess Sparkle Butt, I was mostly playing dumb so Sombra would get angry and clumsy.” Twilight immediately stood up straight, her magic dissipating immediately.

“...Huh.”

“Oh sweet Equus! That pony is still alive? Get it away! I don’t-”

It was the evil asshole in question!

“D’aw, did little Sombra get a peek at my fucked up mind? Tell me, did my memories of Friday the Thirteenth make you scream?” Sombra screamed like a little girl. “Or that slow, very vivid memory of somebody being skinned alive, while having their blood drained, while getting pegged by an octopus due you in?”

“What the buck? How the hay are you walking freely?” Sombra screamed, before curling up and rocking back and forth.

“Dude, I come from a world where too much mayonnaise on a sandwich can get another guy to kill you. Humans are gonna be human and traumatize anything that takes a peek in our brains. The worst thing you can think of, we humans can think of something worse. Just be lucky I’m not Japanese. I don’t think you ponies could stand tentacles touching human women in interestingly scandalous ways.”

“What!?” Twilight, and everypony in the room for that matter, shouted. Pinkie, who was sitting off to the side looked like she was thinking of what I just mentioned, considering the possibilities-

Pinkie, what the fuck? Okay, maybe somepony would consider that attractive, and they’re basically psychos.

Cadence walked up to me, looking like she went through hell and back, and placed both hooves on my shoulders. “Fruit! You had everypony worried sick! Don’t even get me started on Chrysalis!” I was then pulled into a bone crushing hug. Ow, ow, ow. Aw fuck I can’t breathe air. Fuck, why are alicorns so overpowered?

“Look, I didn’t want to get kidnapped, Princess. I was hoping to do the thing with Chrysalis after a nice picnic, but that asshole put a stop to that,” I pointed at Sombra. “Hold on actually,” I croaked, managing to slip out of Pink Butt’s grasp, before standing over Sombra, who was crying like a baby. I placed a hoof on his back, which made him jolt as his head raised itself on instinct. That was what I was counting on.

Gotcha, bitch.

In an instant, I started pounding a single hoof into the guy’s face. Constantly, as hard as I could, while augmenting the strength behind each hit more and more until my shoulder began to hurt from the rate I was punching him at. Sombra’s head fell back to the ground when I stopped.

He was still breathing, but not very well.

“That’ll teach you to not fuck with Equestria, you sack of shit.” I snarled. I don’t care if everypony in the room was shocked at the sheer amount of blood gushing out the fucker’s nose, or his busted lips. “If it were up to me, I would cut your fucking head off, and have it on display. A nice little message to everyone and anyone who thinks fucking with my home is a good idea, so be lucky I don’t have the authority to execute you,” I shouted at the unconscious body of Sombra.

“You… You really aren’t a pony, are you?” Twilight asked.

“Course not. Nopony would just beat the shit out of a cowering prisoner, would they? And if it seems underhoof, who gives a fuck? I don’t. That fucker threatened to kill my marefriend, Celestia and Luna, and destroy everything I hold dear. I know I’m not capable of much, but I’ll be fucked if I let anypony do that. Not without killing me first.” I said coldly as I set a hoof on Sombra’s unconscious body. “C’mon, let’s get whatever formalities over with. I want my Chryssy.”

Okay, nevermind, formalities suck.

I’m about to die. I want to die. I don’t want to go out on a balcony for thousands to see! No. No. I don’t want any rewards, awards, or praise. Just give me my Chryssy, and I’m happy! No.

“You know, for somepony who just beat the crap out of an evil overlord, you look like you’re about to piss yourself,” Rainbow Dash said. “What happened to you being so awesome! You were all angry, and scary looking, and…” She paused. I could see her eyes wander up and down my form. What is with everybody checking me out? I’ve been spoken for, thank you! “Well? You’re about to be praised for that awesomeness! Where’s your sense of pride?”

I raised a hoof to my chest and took a deep breath several times. Okay, I feel better now. “Look, Rainbow. I was only angry and ‘brave looking’ because I was pissed the hell off. Now that I’m calm, and getting an award for doing fuck all, is not something I was expecting today-”

The doors burst open and a black blur slammed into me. What the fuck- Oooh, it smells like Chryssy and feels like Chrysalis. Okay, I’m happy now. I sighed, and leaned into my marefriend as the two of us silently enjoyed reuniting. Rainbow made a gagging noise before it turned into an ‘ack’ and a subsequent wheeze of pain. Rarity made a cooing noise beforehand, so I assume she just kicked the shit out of Rainbow for gagging at our moment. I am so ready to take that award now.

“Fruit, it’s your turn,” Twilight called from the balcony. The mare then trotted back inside with the rest of her friends that weren’t Rainbow or Rarity. I sighed and looked up at my marefriend.

“We’ll chat in our guest room, go get your silly medal.” A kiss was planted on my forehead and my heart began pumping fast and hard.

“And I shall award Fruit Punch with the title ‘duke of the Crystal Empire!” Cadence announced to the crowd of ponies below. Why was I being awarded this? I was even going to get a medal for my… efforts. All I did was allow myself to get kidnapped and played the fool. I just sat and waved as a medal of some sorta was also given to me, allowing it to rest above my chest. A pony, who was shining and sparkly(or a crystal pony), walked up to me.

“And because you looked King Sombra in the eyes, I award you a title specific to the Crystal Empire, that has only been given to one other pony- dragon!” Oh no. Oh god no. “Fruit Punch, the Brave and Glorious!” I blinked a couple times, realizing what the the fuck that implied when the whole crowd began to cheer and stomp their hooves. I’m about to have a panic attack-

Something grabbed me and dragged me off the balcony.

Oh, it’s Thorax, I can tell by the smell. Like a fresh daisy… the changeling actually liked using cologne. Yet another difference between my friend and the rest of his Hive.

“What the heck are you doing?” I asked.

“You feel like you’re definitely in need of an emotional support changeling. So here I am!” Oh… I happily nuzzled into Thorax’s neck and began to relax for the first time in days. Now this, this is life.

Author's Note

Fruit actually just thought of a Justin Bieber music video. That’s was traumatised King Sombra.