Not So Funny Story

Of all the things to surprise me the most about being in Equestria, it’s the calendar system. Not due to how it’s structured or anything… Okay, it partially is for different reasons. Aside from months being partially based on pony puns for some reason(such as May being Neigh), it was pretty much identical to a calendar I’d see everyday on Earth, which is pretty interesting. Same dates, same way of tracking dates, twelve months are broken down into fifty-two weeks, which is then broken down into three hundred and sixty-five(ish) days. Holidays such as Valentine’s Day are on the same day, even if it is slightly different and goes by ‘Hearts and hooves day’.

Hell, the Great Galloping Gala is held on New Year's Day. Even Christmas seemed present even if it went under differing names.

Now, this is mostly important because Luna called me over this morning, which happens to be the date that Halloween is on Earth. So I was standing just outside of her private chambers, waiting for a guard to alert the lunar diarch that her friend is here. I looked at my very real, not imaginary watch, wondering how long it’ll be before I can even enter the room my friend’s in.

“Sorry about the wait sir. It is very hard to wake up an alicorn, especially without startling them.”

“Is it because said alicorn can blow your head off in a single telekinetic strike?”

“Yes sir.”

“Figured. I don’t blame you for taking a while then. Chrysalis has a mean left hook if you wake her up the wrong way.” Both me and the guard chuckled at that. Of course we’d be in the one country where most, if not all of the current leaders(given that Chrysalis also counts as a Princess in Equestria. She wasn’t happy with this, but Celestia and Luna do outrank her very slightly in terms of political power. So I bought Chryssy a ‘number one cuddle bug queen mug to make her feel better). I thanked the guard before trotting through the open door.

Luna was sitting on the couch, sipping on some sort of very strong coffee. I don’t know what it was, but it was so strong that I felt my body jolt with a newfound energy after just taking a whiff of it. Despite how Luna was also stuffing a donut in her mouth in a very un-royal fashion, she still found some way to look pretty regal. That was something both Celestia and Luna shared; they just find some way to be regal and mystical looking by just being. Granted, I still prefer Chryssy(she’s adorable, leave me alone).

“Greetings, Fruit Punch. I’m not like my sister, so I shall cut to the chase…” Luna paused to wipe a bit of jelly off her face with a donut. “Would you like to join me for Nightmare Night?’

“Is… that like Halloween? Y’know, dress up in costumes, get candy, and then annoy your parents while on a sugar high?” I asked.

“In a sense, yes. However, I believe the reasoning for ‘Halloween’ and Nightmare Night could not be any more different. Do tell me, what is Halloween based on?”

“No clue. Never really got to celebrate it. It’s kinda hard to Trick or Treat in a city where everyone is cranky and hates each other. I can’t imagine whatever Halloween is based off is too different from Nightmare Night-”

“Do you know of Nightmare Moon?” I nodded. “Nightmare Night celebrates Nightmare Moon’s defeat. My defeat. Over the millennia that I’ve been on the Moon, it slowly evolved into a lighthearted holiday where foals and ponies dress up and gather candy. I even had the pleasure of going to Ponyville to celebrate Nightmare Night, and found myself enjoying myself after learning that everypony enjoys being scared for some odd reason. I no longer question it, because it makes the foals happy…” Luna hummed.

I think she wants foals. Perhaps I can get her hooked up with somebody. Cadance won’t get mad at me for doing her job, right?

“Well, would you like to accompany me to Ponyville? We will leave at eight at night. So if you have any preparations you would like to make, such as a costume, then you may go and take care of that.”

“Yeah, I’ll go. Can Chrysalis come? I bet she’d love scaring the shit out of people while disguised as some kind of monster.”

Luna hummed. “Well, as ponies are saying it now… The more the merrier? But yes, I’d love to have Chrysalis come along!” Luna clapped her hooves. “This will be the best Nightmare Night ever!”

“Nightmare Night?”

Chrysalis asked, looking over my costume. Like any good man, or man child who loves horror movies, I decided to dress up as Jason Voorhees. Well, as close as I could get. I couldn’t get pants anywhere, which is probably for the best as just getting the jacket on was a nightmare. I had the hockey mask, but couldn’t buy a machete as ‘it’s for professionals only’, so I really just had the hockey mask and a jacket. I’d say I look pretty scary.

“Yeah, you wanna come with me and Luna?”

“Well, I suppose… Allow me to choose a costume as we go to meet Luna. You did only ask me to come along an hour before we are meant to go meet her.”

“Sorry… I was really busy with getting this costume just right. Surprisingly, it’s really hard to dress up like a psychotic murderer from a movie that doesn’t exist in this universe. I wonder why.” We both had a good chuckle at that as we both walked out the door… Chrysalis was engulfed in green fire, so I assume she already chose her costume.

“Did you really have to disguise yourself as that?” Luna asked as we touched down somewhere in the fields beyond Ponyville. After a quick meet up, explaining what my costume was(and Luna slapping me for it), we quickly hopped in the chariot on our way. Because Princess Celestia wearing a banana costume, for some odd reason, catches a lot of unwanted attention. To make things worse, a white coated, six foot tall, bright yellow suited alicorn with a LSD mane is easy to spot. I can’t guess why, but the truth will never be known to the world.

Celestia nodded. “Of course. Your sister has a strange obsession with bananas, and this will be a fun prank to pull on Twilight Sparkle. So of course I should take on your sister’s appearance.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “If it wasn’t for the fact that tonight is Nightmare Night, you would’ve been arrested for impersonating a political leader, and in my time, ripped limb from limb by the person you’re impersonating.”

“You wouldn’t though. We’re best friends!” ‘Celestia’ raised a hoof before drawing it back slightly. “And I guess we’re sisters while I’m like this, too.”

“Chryssy, I hate your costume,” I blurted out. “Can’t admire my favorite Changeling Queen of all time.”

“What about us sir?” Skitter and Scatter, who disguised themselves as Royal Guardsman in bananas, asked. Scatter was giving me that ‘how dare you’ look when Skitter asked that.

“That’s different. You guys are my favorite drones.” That got a smile out of my guards.

“Well, somepony needs to bring Princess Celestia down a peg. She’s a normal pony like anypony else, yet everypony treats her like a god, and I know that Celestia is sick of it.” Chrysalis, while perfectly mimicking her impersonatee's voice said before shaking her head. “It was either that or disguise myself as Discord. And I don’t feel like being hit with the Power of Friendship and have my remains blasted across Equus.”

“The fuck-”

“Don’t worry about it, Fruit.”

“But how the fuck is friendship so powerful? What is this? Some generic anime where a yellow haired guy becomes a yellow haired guy with longer hair because his friends believe in him from the grave?”

“Again, Fruit, don’t worry about it.”

“You know what? Good idea. Anyways, I’ll meet up with y’all later, I need to make a good entrance to make my costume work.”

“We will see you soon, then, Fruit!” Luna and ‘Celestia the banana’ waved at me as I lurked into the shadows.

I could hear Rainbow Dash laughing to herself, and with one peek around the corner, she was laughing at somebody she had just scared the shit out of. So I guess now would be the perfect time to scare the living daylights out of her. I turned to my guards, who had suddenly appeared, like they knew I was gonna ask them to show up or something. So logically, I had to ask them the most important question of the night.

“Skitter, Scatter, can you guys do illusion magic?” I whispered.

“Yes sir. You want us to make it foggy?” Skitter asked.

“Yes please!” I silently clapped my hooves as Skitter and Scatter got to work. Well, Skitter did. Scatter turned herself into a bloody machete for me to scare the ever fresh hell out of the resident Element of Loyalty. Rainbow’s laughing stopped as she slowly started getting creeped out as I did my best impression of Jason’s chant, slowly creeping in on the cyan pegasus from behind.

Ch ch ch, ah ah ah

Rainbow was shivering in her boots even if she wasn't showing it and trying to look brave. I was pretty much right on top of her. It was fun, watching Rainbow look everywhere but behind her. “Surprise mutha fucka!” I shouted at the time of my lungs, making my voice nice, deep, and bloody murdery. Rainbow screamed, falling to the ground as I raised my machete. “See you in hell, Rainbow Dash, I’ve been looking for you for a long time!”

Scatter turned into her natural form before I lobbed her on top of the panicking pegasus, effectively pinning Rainbow to the ground while eliciting another scream.

“That. Was. Hilarious!” I started laughing like an idiot while Rainbow glared at me from underneath her changeling paper weight.

“That was not funny! I thought I was going to die!” Rainbow shouted. “Who the hay even are you-”

I took my mask off.

“Sup. Before you ask, Princess Luna invited me to come here. I think she’s off with Chrysalis as Nightmare Moon doing whatever.”

“Fruit, you need to show me how you came up with that idea! That would be so awesome, scaring ponies like that!”

“Like how I made you scream like a foal with this idea?” I asked with a smirk.

“I will kick your teeth in.”

“No you won’t ma'am,” Skitter somehow pulled out a sword from… somewhere. Rainbow actually backed down because of that.

“Anyways, we humans have these things called movies, which are like animated comic books. Some are performed with actual humans, or with drawings. Doesn’t really matter, but we humans love horror for some reason. I’m currently dressed as a serial killer from one of those movies. Just be lucky I didn’t choose to be a sewer dwelling clown- wait, no, that movie was boring as fuck.”

“Wha?” Rainbow asked. “Nothing. Bye!” Me and my guards ran off to scare another bunch of ponies.

I had successfully scared the shit out of seventeen foals and a Pinkie Pie.

“Yeah! You think you know about Nightmare Night son?”

Oh cool. There’s a whole concert going on with Nightmare Moon, or just Luna using illusion magic and plastic fangs, acting as some guy with a red jacket and glasses gave a nice little rap about Nightmare Night. Twilight Sparkle was dressed as some famous wizard, can’t remember who, talking to the Banana. The poor unicorn’s face was bright red as Chryssy kept making sexual innuendos about bananas as Celestia dressed in a banana costume. Surprisingly, everyone was just staring wide eyed at the disguised Queen as she made a mockery of their princess.

“Welcome fillies and gentlecolts, there’s no reason to scream!” You know, this rap is kinda good. I’m just gonna sit at the concert while everyone hears Chrysalis deepthroat a banana. God I love that woman.

Oi, how is the song over already? What the fuck? Jeez, I really must’ve been really out of it, or that was a really short song.

“Now fillies and gentlecolts! It is time for the scary story competition. Whomever wins will get to spend the night with the Nightmare Moon! And the winner shall be spared from her wrath, and will get a portion of her offerings!” The guy who was just rapping backed away as the first contestant went up on stage and started to regal the tale of… Something in the Everfree forest. Every single one had the children scared, and some of the adults were also kinda spooked, which made me chuckle. Oh man, half the scary shit I could come up with. Hell, just the hunting methods of ancient humans would probably be enough to scare the daylights out of everypony here. Actually, that could be a good one, and if it wasn’t, it seemed as though everypony was telling more than one story when it was their turn to come up on stage.

Nightmare Moon grinned maliciously as she heard every tale, taking quite the joy in it all. Occasionally, she would peek at the children around her while they screamed.

You know, Freddy Krueger sounds like a good thing to tell. Because Luna would ban me from public speaking on Nightmare Nights, but it would be a good idea.

Oh fuck, it’s my turn. I raised a hoof up to my chest, took a deep breath, and walked up on stage. I took another deep breath, taking note that Chrysalis had long forgotten her Banalestia costume to listen to the story I was about to tell. “Well, ladies, gents, fillies and colts. I am here to tell you the tale of a monster unlike no other. One that hunts at night, with hooves that end in blades, waiting to grab any colt, filly, even a full grown stallion if given the opportunity. His name… is Freddy Krueger.

“Now, not many know of his motives, but it is theorized that the monster simply seeks revenge. What for? Nopony knows, not a soul. Not much is known about this monster, but it’s simply known that when somepony goes to sleep, the monster strikes with horrible, horrible Nightmares that not even Princess Luna can stop… If you see a disfigured stallion in these nightmares, then it is already too late; you will die. Even Nightmare Moon is terrified because she is susceptible to this monster’s attacks.”

“It is true, I have battled this creature. So far, I have managed to come out unscathed, but this Freddy Krueger is getting dangerously close when I slumber,” Nightmare Moon winked at me, playing into what I was telling. Everpony was shivering in their boots, even Twilight Sparkle was at this point even if she looked a tiny bit unconvinced.

“Freddy Kruger simply seeks revenge? What for? Nopony knows, but I have a theory. Freddy Krueger was supposedly killed in a tragic, horrible way. Freddy, being the spiteful pile of filth that he is, took to the dream realm last second, killing the children and descendants of those who had wronged him. Due to how old this tale is, nopony knows who these descendants are… But!” I pointed to a random filly. “It could be you!” I pointed to another. “Or you!” I pointed to myself and let my voice get really gravelly. “Or me… So you best not sleep tonight, everypony, because you could be Freddy’s next victim!” Lightning conveniently flashed behind me.

Oh, half the ponies in the crowd had fainted.

Fuck.

“You’re banned from Nightmare Night, Fruit,” Luna whacked me over the head with one of the bags of candy she had gotten from her offerings. I had a nice medal around my neck along with a ribbon for my victory in the Scary Story Contest. Yes, very creative naming. It’s like the author couldn’t come up with anything better than that at the moment. Fucking idiot.

“Yeah.”

“Do you know how many nightmares you’re going to cause because you decided to be your human self and tell the scariest thing you could think of!”

“Look, you played into it by saying Freddy even rivals and has nearly gotten you in the past, Nightmare Moon!” I laughed as Luna facehoof. “Seriously, sorry about the amount of Nightmares you’ll have to deal with.”

“I liked your story, Fruit. Even if it is a bit far fetched. Nopony can overpower Luna in the dream realm. Aside from somepony named ‘Blank’, but doesn’t exist,” Chrysalis got close to my ear. “Perhaps I can be your worst nightmare tonight?”

“So you wanna have sex?”

“I was trying to be smooth!” Chrysalis snorted.

“I was being blunt.”

“Can you two not do this in the chariot? I don’t think my guards can handle unicorn on changeling action,” Luna groaned.

“I don’t think the world could handle some of the things the Queen shouts when she has intercourse with Fruit,” Skitter said nonchalantly, reading a comic book he had bought while in Ponyville.

“I do not-”

“You screamed ‘take me, punch me like your name implies, Fruit!’ and was subsequently said when Fruit didn’t want to actually hit you.”

“What the fuck? Did you say similar things to Celestia while you two were dating?” Luna asked.

“Of course. It’s in the archives-”

A bag of candy smacked Skitter in the face.

Later that week, Chrysalis got a cease and desist letter from Celestia over her costume on Nightmare Night.