Twilight and her friends left for Sugarcube corner a little bit earlier than we and Chrysalis, who had opted to stay in the library and enjoy a nice ‘study session’. We actually did study, by the way, it just involved me and Chryssy being cuddled up together on a cushion while we read something very educational such as a Daring Do book. All in all, the book wasn’t too bad, but I wanted a human book. Every book that involves telling a story ends in a good way for everyone involved, and not with at least somebody dying even though the best authors are willing to kill off a character they put love and care into.

If I can ever find a way home, I don’t think I will return to stay because my place is with Chrysalis now, but I might break into a book store and steal a fuck load of human books. Then have them all mass produced and sell them under another man’s name. Or just keep them for myself; Twilight would be jealous that I have books that she can’t have in her library.

Chrysalis’s tail eventually uncurled around my form, putting the book back where we got it, and got up with a cat-like stretch. “Come now, Fruit. Pinkie Pie has planned a party in our honor; it would be rude to not show up, but I believe we have reached the point and time that we’ll be fashionably late. So how does it sound, when we go to the party, as dates?”

“You know this probably won’t be fancy, right? We don’t need to be dates…” I grinned as I hopped up to my girlfriend’s side. “So we can probably get away with showing up and making out in the corner for thirty seconds in between dances.”

“You drive a good point, Fruit. I thought you would like to go to the party as a date; it’d be fitting with your name, you know.” We both walked out the door and I pounced on Chrysalis after realizing the stupid pun she had just made. “You just hate my humor!” Chrysalis teased as she pranced on ahead, doing her cute little giggles, while I did my best to capture her. “Catch me if you can, Fruitypoo!” She took to the sky and I started barking like a dog as I bolted after her.

Eventually our game of tag ended up with me, on Chrysalis’s back, with my legs all tied together, when we got onto the street where Sugarcube corner was.

We could hear the music from at least ten feet away from the building, which given that the top half of the door was open, made some sense. It sounded like a song that sounded eerily similar to a bunch of party music from my world. Musical notation was different in Equestria to musical notation on Earth, so I’ll just chuck that up to coincidence. Chrysalis stepped in first, I soon followed, and found that the party was already in full swing. Pinkie apparated(she didn’t walk up or come to us. She just appeared) in front of us, gave us a rundown of everything we could do at the party, all the snacks, about how the fun shit will come out when the kids have to go to bed, and eventually asked why we were five minutes late.

“I wanted to be fashionably late. Look at how many ponies are staring at us now that we’ve come late to the party,” Chrysalis waved a hoof around the room. “I will admit, a lot of this seems a tad bit immature, but I suppose that it would be nice to forget that I am a Queen.” She poked me. “We are going to dance when the slow music starts. Remember this, my dear Fruit.”

“Aight, bet.”

“But you’re also going on stage for the karaoke,” wait wha-

There’s a karaoke competition. Why? I don’t know. The prize is a gift card to Sugarcube Corner, which’ll be nice if somebody who can sing actually wins. I can’t sing, but it does seem fun. I’ve never got to do karaoke, so this is a fun new experience… Man, my life as a human fucking sucked. The more I live in magical pony land, the more I learn just how fucking pointless my life on Earth was. Just work, work, work, retire, die. What a meaningful existence, right?

Granted, the work did help alleviate just how empty I feel at times, so I guess that isn’t too bad, right?

Apple Jack was up first, and she was singing a country-style song. Holy fuck is her voice nice, and actually really nice. It’s like a very clean country singer. The song itself was pretty typical as well, about the life of a farmer, which made a lot of sense given who was singing it. Overall, it was quite nice. The next few ponies that went weren’t anything impressive, but I could tell they were having fun at least. Rarity sung about the art that is dress making.

Only then did I notice the band in the back. Some cello maker, an earth pony, somebody on a dj table, a unicorn, who also had a drum machine on standby, and a guitar player. How they played was pretty interesting; they turn the drum machine on, and as the pony on stage sings, the actual instruments come into play to match the lyrics the singers were singing.

Some kid named Sweetie Bell went on stage, as suspected, pony children are adorable, and her voice was pretty good even if it did squeak a bit when she went on them high notes. It makes sense, I guess; puberty sucks shit. Pinkie even went on stage and had a song ready that was a happy tune, but fuck were the lyrics messed up. Like I think the chorus had an actual line ‘when your love ones have been mangled’. It was a good song, but fucking Christ, Pinkie, what the actual fuck?

Chrysalis even had a crack at karaoke before I was up. How I managed to score a changeling who’s sexy, friendly, and has the voice of an angel will never cease to amaze me. Nor was the low note she hit which was so low that I think she broke the microphone we were all using.

“Perhaps I should’ve thought about how sensitive microphones were for doing that,” Chrysalis’s body cringed and she awkwardly trotted off stage. I sighed in a mix of sadness and relief; I don’t have to go on stage, but I wanted to try karaoke at least once while I was at this party. Then Pinkie grabbed a new microphone out of her mane(what the fuck?), plugged it in, tapped it a few times, and dragged me up onto the stage. I looked down at the bottle of booze I managed to swipe from the snack table before drinking it all in one go and tossing it behind me.

“I used to run for miles! I used to ride my bike-”

I don’t remember the rest of that night.

I woke up the next day, in mine and Chrysalis’s room, spooning said Chrysalis. I have a huge ass headache and everything hurts.

I also learnt that Chryssy smells a lot like Chrysalis during my hangover.

The next day, I woke up, feeling significantly better now that I wasn’t hungover, and ready to tackle Ponyville and get acquainted with a few more of the locals. First, however, was Twilight’s little Q&A of me and Chrysalis and our guards. So I got the nice, fun task of carrying my sleepy girlfriend all the way through town, which sounds fun at first until you realize a couple of things. So allow me to go down the list of things that make carrying a changeling Queen hard:

First, is that Chrysalis is actually kinda heavy. Not to the point of me struggling to lift her, but she is heavy and overtime, that adds up and starts to cause back problems.

Two. She has freakishly long, sexy legs that will be dragged across the ground because of how much shorter I am than Chryssy.

Third, Chrysalis is adorable while sleeping, and her snores are enough to melt the hearts of serial killers. So moving her without waking up was a fucking nightmare, but I managed with some earplugs, a sleep mask, and overall, being careful with her.

The fourth thing is that Chrysalis is tall, meaning she is larger than I am, see reason number two for more details.

The fifth issue was that I could feel Chrysalis’s heartbeat, and it turned out that Chrysalis has two hearts. It mostly just felt weird, but that really isn’t an issue.

Sixth: I have to also carry my fucking guards throughout town, all the way to the library where Twilight lives. That’s all the way across the fucking town! God, I love my guards and would kill somebody for my girlfriend, but sweet jesus fucking a cold, dead turkey, my back hurts like hell! Ow, fuck, yeah I’m feeling that tomorrow. On the bright side, Skitter and Scatter had the decency to turn into the size of foals before falling back asleep.

I knocked on the door of Golden Oaks Library with my head, conveniently after I managed my way across town, my guards and Chrysalis woke up at the same time and they weren’t even tired. Man, it’s like they wanted to be babied and carried throughout town or something, and figured fucking with me was better than just asking. The things I do for love. You asshats… I’m gonna give one of them a belly rub by the end of today and forget this whole thing happened.

Spike opened the door and let us all in. Chrysalis bumped her head while walking in and I was on her in an instant, checking if she was alright. Twilight greeted us and she begun the questions while Spike treated us to a nice breakfast.

We were there for five hours.

The next day, I was awakened by the sound of a hoof pounding on my front door at ass-o-clock in the morning. God, wasn’t this supposed to be a vacation week? I was hoping to use today to sleep in, have some time away from training or work even if it was boring, and just spend more time around my marefriend than I normally do. After Twilight asked for a demonstration of changeling intercourse, she realized that she asked that from two changelings that are siblings, and a Queen who was already in a relationship.

Chrysalis showed me a demonstration last night and boy did it feel good. Not the after effects of it, but it was fun.

Said Chrysalis was currently missing in action.

So I quickly washed myself in the bathroom, where two mini-versions of Skitter and Scatter were fighting each other using toothbrushes, and went to go meet the asshole pounding on my door. That happened to be Rainbow Dash of all ponies.

“So, why were you pounding on my door? Planning on having intercourse with it?”

“Yeah…? IF that means we’ll finally get to see how a unicorn would do against me in an iron pony competition.”

Rainbow, you poor, innocent fucker, because of this I will start a rumor about you being a door fucker.

“Aight then. Lemme get something to wake myself up first,” I closed my door and gently slammed my head into it- woo! Man, I can say what I want about Pharynx, but he is actually a pretty cool bro all things considered, and his advice actually worked! Pain is way, way better than coffee! I opened the door again. “Aight, let’s go get my ass kicked.” Rainbow told me where to meet her and zoomed off in some direction…

I wish I knew how to teleport. Maybe I should stop neglecting my magical abilities and learn new spells-

Nah, I got magical augmentation! I can just run!”

Note to self: magical augmentation doesn’t take that much out of you physically.

I made it to Sweet Apple Acres in record time, panting lightly, but I wasn’t tired. I was offered some water by one of the Apples, Apple Bloom I believe, and was up and ready for whatever the fuck an Iron Pony Competition was. I doubt it was some super armor wearing, purple guy destroying super hero, since there was a severe lack of dinosaurs with a purple and green color scheme.

No, Spike did not count, that’s a dragon without wings. What’s the difference between a wingless dragon and a dinosaur you may ask? Fuck if I know, but dragons are still alive and every dinosaur that I know of isn’t, so perhaps dinosaurs were just really bad at breathing air and surviving meteors.

Chrysalis was dressed up in a cheerleading outfit, which looked a bit degrading, but I don’t think she minded at all; it did look good on her if nothing else. She had two pom poms suspended in her magic, her mane was tied up in a ponytail, and a sign also suspended in the air with ‘GO FRUIT PUNCH” written on it. Several changelings were in the crowd next to her displaying similar outfits and signs. At least I had fans!

Pretty much all of Ponyville was rooting for Rainbow Dash, and for good reason; I will get my ass kicked.

“So why am I doing this again?” I said as we got to the starting line of… Barrel Weave. Which is like the weaving thingamajig at dog contests, but with barrels and enough room in between for what are basically mini-horses to fit through, but close enough so that hitting one is pretty likely if you’re even slightly clumsy. Fastest time wins, every barrel hit is a penalty.

“Because you can take on several Royal Guards! I wanna see how you are athletically before I kick your tail in an actual fight! Plus I want to see how well a unicorn can hold up!”

“I only even did that by using magic to augment, or improve, my natural abilities. Otherwise, I’d like to think I’m pretty stinkin’ average for a unicorn.”

“I doubt that, but we’ll just have to wait and see! You’re up first, pal!”

So without a further ado, I took a deep breath, several actually; I hate performing in front of a crowd. I prayed to god that the exercises Pharynx put me through would at least keep me from getting any penalties. If I can even do remotely okay, then that’s a win in my book… At least I think it would be. As Twilight, who was being the referee, began to count down, I lowered myself and got ready to run.

“Go!” I ran as fast as I could, weaving through each barrel with the finesse, and the next thing I knew, I was on the other end of the track, panting slightly. I dropped on my ass as I let myself recover; I didn’t want to use magic to win this, so I couldn’t improve my endurance. I’m willing to bet that anything that requires both speed or endurance will probably leave me at a loss. “That makes for a seventeen second run! Rainbow Dash you’re up next!” Twilight then accidentally sneezed into the megaphone, which was actually kinda cute. Rainbow Dash grinned, zooming through the field, knocking down three barrels, but got to where I was standing nearly instantly.

“Three barrels… three seconds. That leaves Rainbow with eighteen points with Fruit Punch taking the point for the first round!” Oh shit, a win in a category, hey look Ma-

Wait, ma’s in another dimension and she also disowned me. Damn. Hey look Chryssy! In fact, Chryssy was looking, and she was beyond impressed. And so was everyone in the crowd. I think Rainbow could very easily beat me in an actual race, but with speed comes the sacrifice of control, hence the only reason why I even won this round to begin with.

I basically won by… default.

The bucking competition ended with Rainbow Dash kicking my ass in that. It wasn’t even close. The Bronco Buck mostly involves abusing Spike by trying to get the poor bastard off your back. Rainbow went first, jumping up and down really quickly, knocking Spike off rather quickly and throwing him in the air. I tried grabbing the poor bastard before he hit the ground, only to find it rather difficult, so I just tried harder. Spike looked a little woozy from having his entire body bounce up and down so quickly.

“Yo, can we hold it for a second?” I asked, turning to Twilight. “First, I don’t think Spike’s feeling alright at the moment, and it also wouldn’t be fair if I knocked him off my back too quickly because he didn’t have enough recovery time.”

“Well… you do bring up a good point. We’ll wait a few seconds for Spike to recover and we’ll keep going.” Spike didn’t take too long to recover, walking on up to me, and getting ready to hop on my back.

“Just so you are aware, I’d like to apologize for whatever else we’re putting you through. Did you do this willingly?” I asked.

“Twilight offered me gems, plus we dragons are naturally tough, so I won’t get hurt too badly,” Spike said, hopping on my back and holding on. “I doubt you’ll get me off as quickly as Rainbow or even Apple Jack can; unicorns aren’t built to be athletes.” Twilight signaled the time had begun, so I immediately dropped on my side, rolled over, and got up. Spike was lying on the ground, twitching slightly with a smug grin on my face.

In that moment, I realized my brain is fucking stupid.

“We humans use our brains over our own physical prowess… FUCk!” I picked Spike up and held him in my arms while he recovered. “Shit dude, I’m sorry!” Spike waved a claw, seemingly recovered pretty quickly from him being fucking crushed under my fatass. Sure, ‘baby dragons age differently’, but he’s still a fucking baby! God, I need to work on getting some form of medicine for my ADHD; I coulda killed a baby because I wasn’t thinking.

“Well, I wasn’t expecting that…” Spike chuckled. “Where’d you learn how to do that?”

“That’s what smarter animals back at home do when a human hops on their back; throws their weight and it effectively crushes said humans to death because humans are flimsy as fuck… Seriously, I am sorry dude. Here, I’ll save you the trouble of getting your ass beat any further; this is borderline child abuse.”

“Wait what?”

“Yo Twilight, I quit. I don’t even really care about ‘how strong I am’ or anything. This competition’s kinda stupid anyways.”

“But we just started!” Rainbow Dash stomped her hoof. “And-”

“And I’m not gonna continue this shit. Doesn’t the next competition also involve Spike getting thrashed? Again?”

“Fruit, I can take it! I’m a big dragon!”

“Nah mate, nah, yeah nah mate. I ain’t risking you breaking something, and I know what I just did to you, had to hurt a lot, watch,” I set Spike down and he immediately took some of his weight off his left leg. “Now we are going to stop and have a medical professional look over your leg. Alright kiddo?” Spike’s shoulders sagged a little, and he sighed. Even if I could tell that he was relieved to not have to get tied up in the next round. “Trust me when I say this; I’d rather you not get hurt at all, and I am really sorry for hurting you.”

“It’s cool. You still shouldn’t quit the competition because of it though.”

“As I said, I don’t give two damns about this competition. No supercomputer from home can even calculate the number of fucks I don’t give about proving if I’m a big, strong stallion or not. I also don’t need a competition to tell that Rainbow can, and likely will kick my ass in any sorta fight, race, or whatever the fuck we compete it. Except maybe chess or a few human games. Now c’mon!” I put Spike on my back before trotting along to the nearest hospital. “And if anyone calls me a bitch for quitting early, go fuck yourself, I ain’t hurtin’ somebody to prove a point even if it is for just two rounds.”

It turns out Spike wasn’t even hurt all that badly, according to the nurse and even a doctor, but it was mostly the principle! You shouldn’t be putting a baby into a situation where somebody can dropkick said baby. “So Spike, did you even want to be used as a prop in the Iron Pony competition?” I asked.

“No. But I didn’t really get much of a say; Twilight signed me up and assumed I, as her assistant, was willing to help her in any way possible,” Spike puffed his chest out. “And as her number one assistant, I am willing!” The dragon then rubbed his chin in. “Though it would be nice if assisting wasn’t painful, which it usually isn’t. Even if I can take a thrashing better than most ponies, I still don’t like getting hurt.” Spike said as we walked out the hospital. The dragon wasn’t even so much as bruised, but I didn’t want to risk anything possibly being broken because I, a horse, crushed him.

“Did you let Twilight know? Y’all are what? Child and guardian? Brother and sister?”

“It’s more like a brother and sister relationship, but since Twilight’s parents don’t live in Ponyville, Twilight has been doubling as my caretaker. She’s pretty good at it, since she had to foalsit me a bunch as the ‘older sister’. Up until she asks me to do something I don’t want to do because I could get hurt; sometimes I am just lazy though.” Hey, at least the kid’s honest.

“Then let her know you don’t like being bucked around in some stupid as fuck competition, dude. Communicate; if Twilight doesn’t listen then she’s downright abusive. I doubt that Twilight is, from what I’ve seen of her, but quite possibly naive in how you feel about your treatment. Even if you are legally her assistant, you guys are basically brother and sister according to you.” We stopped as both a Twilight Sparkle and Queen Chrysalis, oh and all of Twilight’s friends, were standing in front of us. “Oh hey Twilight. I believe Spike has a word or two to say to you.” I gestured to the wild Spike.

“I heard… Spike, if you disagree with some of the things I make you do! You may be my assistant, but you're my little brother first and foremost!” Twilight pulled the baby dragon into a tight little hug. “Just let me know if I’m pushing the boundaries of what you’re actually willing to do, and I’ll buck off. Okay?”

“You got it… Please don’t have me be put in a bucking Iron pony Competition unless I’m actually competing; I don’t like being bucked or tied up. Even if it’s for two rounds… Say this counts as a friendship lesson!” Twilight’s grin grew, and Spike immediately had a quill and some paper to write the ‘friendship lesson’ down.

“So… About earlier,” Rainbow was rubbing her shoulder and not looking me in the eyes. Doesn’t take a genius to tell she’s feeling bad about what transpired.

“Don’t worry about it. Forgive and forget, hakuna matata, water under the bridge, whatever the fuck you say to ‘let’s not talk about it’. Let’s just move on, alright? I’ve been called worse than a pussy before. Any insults you may have for me cannot match what people in New York City called me because I mildly fucked up their burger. Y’all wanna hit up a Hayburger, by the way? I’m hungry as fuck and haven’t ate anything since yesterday.”

“Of course! Though, that sounds unhealthy,” Rarity chimed in. “The not eating thing. I do not mind Hayburger even if it isn’t my cup of tea, but you, you need to eat more.”

“Shoulda seen me in college then! A bowl of shitty, flavorless ramen a day, and that was it!” I chuckled. “But I only skipped breakfast for the competition. Let’s get going guys!” Everyone trotted ahead, but Chrysalis held me back with her magic. “We are not going fuck in the street, Chryssy!”

“Fruit, you are insufferable…” Chrysalis groaned and while face hoofing, but I could tell she was grinning. “I just wanted to say, when you took charge earlier… Pretty hot. And then you try to take care of a baby, even if it is a baby dragon, that is adorable and hot!” And now my brain is broken. Chrysalis simply giggled, kissed me on the cheek, and then tossed me on her back to catch up with the others.

Author's Note

oo boy, a long one. next up