So one day I was just doing the usual, working in Hayburger for a bit, happily running through orders like everything was good with the world. I found myself heavily enjoying myself with Skitter tapping my shoulder, as he was working on the grill at the moment. “Sir,” I looked up from my order, using magic to keep it going. “Mr. Mint wants to meet you in the office when you’re done with that order.” I shrugged, having already finished the sandwich, and wrapped it up. I handed it off to Flip so it could be bagged. With that done, i walked to the back of the store, where the office was, and walked into a grim-looking Mr. Mint.

“You’re fired,” Mr. Mint said plainly. “It pains me to do this; you’re the best worker I’ve ever had. But with how busy you must be, being the future consort of a Queen, you seem to be working with the Princesses on occasion as well, and from your other business ventures such as your food cart, I know you’re working yourself dry. You can take your changelings with you; I know they’re only working here because of you. Just… go. This is for your own good, Fruit.” I was handed a pink slip before Mr. Mint went out to go attend to his business.

I simply stood there, for however long, staring at the slip, before sighing. There goes one avenue of happiness for me.

So I walked out the store, both Skitter and Scatter followed closely behind. Luckily, I didn’t have much in the way of a uniform; ponies were naked anyways, so we just had to keep our manes tied up at work. “You taste terrible, sir,” Scatter broke the silence. “I know you loved this job, but think of it this way; you still have your food cart should you need money or desire to work. And if you do not, The Queen would be more than willing to take you into our Hive and house you.”

“The thing is, I want to work, and I like my job…” I sighed. “I still got the food cart as you guys said, and I don’t even really need to work; I’ve got enough money to pay rent off for a good hundred and seven years. I don’t need much more than that, do I?” I sighed. “I just wanna distract myself while I wait around to die, or until I have something fun to do with myself.”

“We can tell sir. When you aren’t with The Queen, or doing something, you seem and taste sad. It’s… unsettling. It’s why I allow you to pet me and whatnot, despite how much it harms my reputation; it makes you feel better. As your friend, it hurts to see you suffering emotionally, and as your guard, it makes me sad that I can’t assist you.” We took a seat in some park, and Scatter chose now to use me as a pillow, which did make me smile slightly. “We can go get Thorax; he’s been doing a good job at being an emotional support changeling,” Scatter suggested.

“Alright. Hanging out with Thorax will bring my mood up.”

As it turned out, Thorax had his own house outside of the new Hive, which was underneath Canterlot. It wasn’t a very big house, as it was roughly smaller than mine, maybe a little bigger. For some reason, the window was completely pitch black; there was no light. I knocked on the door a couple times and the door opened up. Low and behold, it wasn’t Thorax, it was Pharynx. It was easy to tell the two apart because one was always angry looking while the other had the most adorable little smile you’ll ever see on a changeling.

“Hey Pharynx,” I waved a hoof at him. “Is Thorax in?”

“Of course he is. One of your guards sent me a message that you’d be stopping by even though you’re supposed to be at work right now… You aren’t using that as an excuse to skip out on training, are you?” Pharynx’s eyes were now half lidded, staring into my soul.

“No. I got fired for being a workaholic, which is kinda dumb, but apparently working myself to death every other day of the week isn’t healthy. I love Mr. Mint, and I suppose it is for my own good, but it still kinda stings. I liked that job, and it was the only thing I was really even good at. Trust me, I wouldn’t miss getting my shit kicked in by a cuddlebug everyday of the week-” I got lightly bonked on the nose.

“First, I am not a cuddlebug,” Pharynx then actually hugged me. Pharynx doesn’t hug anybody! “And… sorry about losing your job. I know that has to suck; in the Hive you basically might as well be put to death if you lose your job. It’s a dishonor no’ling wants.” Pharynx patted me on the back before actually giving me a warm smile. “C’mon, I know why you’re here, so I’ll let my brother do his magic to you.”

“First, what happened to the real Pharynx? By now the real one woulda kicked my teeth in before kicking my shit in.”

“You lost your job. We changelings take our jobs very seriously, to the point that losing our jobs is worse than death itself. And for a pony, you’re alright.”

“Probably because I’m not a pony in here,” I tapped my head before walking inside. “I suppose I can actually turn my little food cart into a business at least. So I’m not completely fucked should I need the money; my house’s rent doesn’t cost shit and food barely costs anything.” The entire building was covered in a resin-like material that was completely black in color. Something about solicitified love or whatever.

“And the Queen will find some way to financially support you anyways should times get rough for you,” Pharynx led me up to a side room. “Anyways, Thorax should be in here. If you want to train later, I’m always available.” Pharynx went to go brood in the corner of the room; he actually sat in the corner and started glaring at nothing. So I knocked on the door a few times and then a changeling with the most adorable little smile stuck his head out the door as soon as it opened.

His cute, little blue eyes lit up upon seeing me.

“Fruit!” Thorax cheered before tackling me. I happily lied on the floor while Thorax nuzzled, snuggled, and overall just started making my mood even better than anything. Thorax got off me, prancing in place. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you! Well, I always see you when training, and I cuddle up with you each time you get knocked out, but this time you’re awake!” Thorax trotted over to the kitchen. “Can I get you any- oh.” He opened a cabinet to find that it was empty, then the icebox, which was empty, and then my head, which was also empty. Okay, he didn’t open my head, or I’d be dead, Doesn’t change the fact that my head’s empty and fucking stupid.

“I'm good dude. I just wanted to come and hangout with you, since I now suddenly have a lot of free time.”

“Yeah… I heard about how you got fired. Every’ling knows about it.” I raised an eyebrow. “Well, you’re the Queen’s consort, so somelings thought it’d be smart to track every move you do. Your happiness means just as much to the Hive as the Queen does.”

“That’s fucking creepy.”

“Kinda, but if you got kidnapped or something, every single changeling in the Hive will know if you get kidnapped. Then I will have a battalion ready to save you,” Pharynx said from the otherside of the room. “For some reason, your very existence makes Queen Chrysalis happy, so keeping you safe would mean Queen Chrysalis remains happy.” I shrugged before sitting on the couch with a very cuddly Thorax using me as a pillow.

“To this day, I don’t understand how you guys have exoskeletons and are then softer than ponies. Like, it’s a fucking crime as to how adorable you ‘lings are.”

“You also don’t have a pony-mind. Even if our invasion was an actual act of aggression, our appearances would be pretty scary to most ponies. In fact, most ponies find us scary anyways. It just happens that some are as crazy as you are and find us cute,” Pharynx shrugged. “Also Thorax is sleeping,” the older of the Ling brothers was punctuated by Thorax’s snores.

“This is the best moment in my life,” I whispered. Pharynx simply facehoof, but I could see the little smile on his face.

Some time later that day, I was just sitting in the park, contemplating important things like if spaghetti is a type of ramen, or if a sandwich is truly a sandwich without the second slice of bread. In other words, I was bored, and wondering what the fuck is going on with my life. Now I have even more spare time than usual, which is pretty fun, except it isn’t. I kinda… used work to distract myself from the fact that this dimension definitely isn’t my home. Or the fact that I pretty much had the chance to be anything I wanted with a fresh, new start, and ended up taking the same, boring, pointless life I had back at home.

At least I get to date a sexy Queen.

Then some pegasus guard came flying by, telling everypony to congregate at the castle, so I got up only for a changeling to come and drop by. “Sir, Queen Chrysalis would like to meet you in Celestia’s throne room. Wear a suit please.” The changeling then flew off to do whatever the fuck. So I got up and began walking home to get a nice, fancy suit.

I walked into the throne room, where Chrysalis was… teasing a Twilight Sparkle with wings. By holding a crown just out of the… purple pony’s reach. Okay, listen, what the fuck? Last time I saw Twilight, she had a horn. Now Twilight has wings and a horn. Chrysalis had a smug little grin on her face, which was adorable, Luna and Celestia were sitting on their thrones, wearing very ornamental dresses. Cadance was sitting nearby, she was wearing a dress that was in a similar vein even if it was a bit less flashy. And her crown was a very fancy, ceremonial one just like her aunts.

Chrysalis was wearing the same dress she wore on our date. Except this one seemed to be slightly more complex, and had a few more changeling designed gems in it.

“So…” I walked in. “When did Twilight sprout a pair of wings?’ I asked. I was trying my best to not just walk up to Chrysalis and squish her cheeks. Or just stare at Chrysalis; she was fucking beautiful. “Because last I checked, Twilight had a horn and was only slightly taller than me. Now she’s noticeably taller than me. What the fuck is with me being a midget?”

“I managed to complete a spell made by Star Swirl the Bearded.”

“Star Twirl the what now?” I chuckled at Twilight getting ready to yell at me over that. “I know who Star Swirl is. A mage that was ahead of his time, revolutionized spells. Also considered the most important, classical era mage, and quite possibly the most important unicorn in all of Equestrian history. I may not care for magic that much, but I can admire the history behind it even if my human mind still cannot find any logic behind it.”

“Finally! Somepony knows who Star Swirl the Bearded is. Did you know that-”

“Oi, don’t we have some coronation ceremony to get started on? While I’ll admit that you look adorable while geeking out about something, I think you should go ahead and get this whole thing going; you’ve got a lot to learn about being a Princess, right?” I pointed up at the crown suspended in Chrysalis’s magic. “Like understanding that you could probably snatch your crown out of Chrysalis’s magic.”

“I tried that! A changeling Queen shouldn’t even be able to outpower an alicorn!”

“One fueled on willingly given, fully cheesy, romantic love can. And I’ve more than had my fill-”

I kissed Chrysalis and she started hiccuping. “Fruit! I hate you!” Chrysalis then contradicted that by kissing me on the forehead.

After Celestia had given her word, Twilight had begun her speech about being sent to Ponyville, studying friendship, which sounded stupid, and about how she couldn’t believe that moving to Ponyville would lead to her being a Princess. The Princess of Friendship then bowed, leaving a crowd cheering and a couple even profusely saying that they want to marry Twilight. Luckily, Twilight had already gone back inside to recollect her probably incredibly stressed out mind. Of course, I had to stand next to Chrysalis while she expressed how she was looking forward to working with Equestria’s newest Princess in the future.

With that all said and done, I got to go back home, opting to stay out of the coronation party so I could go home and sulk. Today sucked. I got fired from a job I actually enjoyed, I can’t even have Chrysalis time because she was busy being at the coronation party, and Twilight became a god damn Princess. To make things worse, I could hear the fucking coronation party all the way from here! Like fuck, it’s like the universe wants to tell me I fucking suck or something. I think I’d kill myself if it weren’t for the fact that I was still dating Chrysalis.

I plopped my ass down in a chair and opened up a book. It was the same fucking book from when I first came to Equestria and needed to learn how to pony. I stared blankly at it while considering what the fuck I should do with myself now. It was then that I realized that I’m probably having a midlife crisis, or just depressed, so I just began to indulge in some ice cream while I kept living in my funk.

The next day I went out to the pet store to hopefully buy a cat or something. Found nothing I wanted; no huskies. So I kept on walking around town, greeting people, getting glared at, and being outright told that I am disgusting for dating Queen Chrysalis. I obviously didn’t take too kindly to that, but I did nothing about it. Not much I could do about it. So I kept on trucking along until I found myself tossing bits into a fountain while humming ‘drunken sailor’.

“Hey bud,” I turned around, to see some ruff looking unicorn. “Heard you were dating a monster recently. Are those rumors true?” He asked.

“Depends on what you describe as a monster.”

“The Changeling Queen.”

“How is she a monster? So far from what I’ve seen, she is somewhat polite while being a bit blunt for a monarch. Legally, she is a Princess in Equestria despite being a Queen of her own Hive, so Sisters don’t mind her. Heck, most of her changelings didn’t even harm anyone; they go around cuddling, dating, or just sitting in the background gathering love. Hell, there’s one over there foalsitting some… foals.”

“That Queen is simply a monster. I heard she brainwashed several ponies in the past… But that doesn’t answer my question. Are you dating her.” That didn’t sound like a question to me.

“Yes. I even fucked her silly a few times. She’s quite great in bed. I love it when I can make her giggle. So why is that important-”

I quickly rolled on the ground to avoid being stabbed by the guy’s horn. The unicorn fired some sort of blast at me while I was just wondering where my guards were. They probably went off to guard the Queen at the party or whatever, so I was also probably on my own in this one. So when the unicorn got closer, I poured some magic into my right hoof, and gave the stallion a nasty haymaker. An audible crunch could be heard as my hoof collided with his jaw.

Well, at the very least his jaw was now… oh fuck. His neck is at an odd… angle. I just killed somebody. I began panicking. I just killed somebody! How the fuck can i justify that? Sure, he attacked me, but I was just hoping to knock him out. I looked here and there, before getting ready to just flee the scene. “Hey!’ I cringed as I slowly turned around. It was a Royal Guard, a pegasus. So without another word, I bolted down and out of the park without turning back.

Author's Note

decided to deviate from the original a bit. Fruit’s gonna have some fun later.