Not So Funny Story

After all the excitement for me being a national hero, I decided to just lay low for a few days for it to blow over. I’m just some dude, not a hero, and I wanted to protect my fiance. Then it hit me. I’ve never really got the chance to go explore the new Hive, as I’m almost always out of it, or busy with something. Also, I want to spend time with my adorable, little filly. So I woke up, noticed that Cozy was sleeping under my tail like usual, and rested my head back on my pillow. Truly, the only thing that would make this perfect would be having Chrysalis here.

Because for some reason, even though we have shared a bed before, Chrysalis wants us to be married before we share a bed within her palace. Though… It’s also probably because Chrysalis is getting a bed commissioned to be able to hold her, myself, and our daughter on it at the same time. My bed is too small, and Chrysalis’s is just barely too small for us to comfortably lay on it. So we just have separate rooms for the time being. I hate our current sleeping arrangements; I wanna cuddle my lovebug.

That said, this was still great. For once, I’m gonna sleep in. It’s gonna be great! I pulled my daughter closer to my chest, and went back to sleep. Today is truly going to be great.

“Dad!” Something, or some filly nudged me. “Dad, wake up!” Something nudged me again. “Dad! I said ‘wake up’!” That filly headbutted my shoulder. Ow. My eyes slammed open, before landing on my daughter, who was holding a plate full of scrambled eggs, some bread, and a cup of orange juice. She was adorably beaming up at me, the plate being held with her wings as her smile already made my day. How the hell does she get orange juice when oranges are out of season? I don’t know, It’s magical pony land. I've learnt that it’s just best to not question literally anything that happens, or you will have an aneurysm while trying to find some sort of logic behind anything. Yes, ponyland follows some logic, but I don’t like believing in that logic.

Fuck logic, my cute little daughter and I are gonna be sharing breakfast in bed. So that’s what we did, either Cozy knows how to cook, or Chrysalis had helped her prepare it. It was probably a mix of both, but I also have no clue how the fuck she cooked this when I don’t think we have a stove, but whatever. I also don’t really care; my daughter just wanted to do something for me, and she was being cute as fuck while doing it.

“So Cozy, whaddya wanna do today? I’m taking a day off from training, and everything else, so I wanna grab you and Chryssy and spend the day with you. It… It has been too long since the three of us just went on a picnic or something. We could go to the museum, an amusement park, anything really. What do you think?” Cozy rubbed her chin with a hoof while giving the cutest ‘I’m thinking face’.

“Gosh diddly golly, I didn’t expect you to actually take a break from everything…” Cozy’s face slowly contorted to that of a normal, excited child. Turns out, that being loved and cared for, can make any filly actually happy and normal. “Can we explore Canterlot, and maybe head back down to Ponyville if we have time? I already spent all day exploring the Hive constantly, but I’ve barely had the time to explore Canterlot. And Mom’s been super busy with helping the Princesses with reparations from what that meanie head did! Why did Tirek want to hurt everypony so badly?”

That’s good; my daughter’s starting to feel sympathy for other people.

“Remember how you were a bit of a megalomaniac?” Cozy nodded. “That’s what happens when you’re a megalomaniac and a psychopath with power. Tirek was a massive sack of shit, and that’s all there is to it,” I ruffled my filly’s mane. “But you’re being given a chance to not end up like that. So for my sake, because it would make me cry if you became evil, don’t try to take over Equestria for some dumbfuck reason. I don’t know what the hell I’d do if you ended up trying that.”

Cozy’s ears flattened. “Well, I don’t want to make you cry! I’ll be a good little filly, and a cute, not as little mare for you! Though, it would be weird if you-”

“Bad Cozy, you and I know I wouldn't stoop down to trying to hit on my own daughter. Not only is that fucked up, but Chrysalis would literally skullfuck my corpse for even considering that. Also, I think I would skullfuck my own corpse if I tried that…” I grinned. “I bet a few colts are gonna try to hit you up; you are a cute, little filly after all.” Cozy’s cheeks were suddenly red. “Unless… you’re already seeing a boy or two?” Cozy’s ears suddenly shot up, and she actually punched me in the chest.

“No! What the buck, Dad? I wouldn’t do that behind your back… unless you want me to.”

“Meh, who you end up dating isn’t the biggest concern to me. I’m assuming you’ll know who is the right one for you, but let me also know who you’re dating. That way I’ll know whose ass to kick for breaking your heart! Or even better, to know if they will break your heart.” Cozy nodded. “You’re done with your breakfast already?” Holy fuck, her plate’s clean.

“Yup!” Fucking children and their metabolism. I’m not one to be outdone, so I scarfed down my breakfast and dragged both of us into the bathroom to get ready for the day of doing fuckall.

We didn’t get three feet into Canterlot until somebody recognized me. Cozy was grinning like an idiot when a mare walked up to me and asked for an autograph. Apparently, not only was I a national hero, but considered a professional athlete after out wrestling several earth ponies and pegasi during the Equestrian Games. On top of that, I’m now an inspiration to unicorns to become more physically fit.

It also didn’t hurt that a lot more of my accomplishments were coming to light. Such as my role in making peace happen between ponies and changelings. “Can you sign my face?” A little colt asked. He was a tiny little unicorn. I shrugged and did just that. “Thank you! I’m not washing my face ever again! Are you in the Royal Guard by chance? You’ve got to know how big and strong you are!” I’m a midget, kiddo, but I won’t say that.

“Not officially, but I can serve amongst the Royal Guards and even lead them if the Princesses and Shining Armor aren’t available,” I shrugged. “All it takes is some proper training, not being in the Royal Guard, to become strong. Find something you want to fight for, and fight like hell to keep that thing, or pony safe.” The colt nodded before running off to probably brag about how his face got signed by me. Or to get ice cream at that ice cream stand right next to me.

Cozy then decided to punch my shoulder. “That was cheesy, Dad.”

“It was, but I shot Tirek in the face because he hit your mother in the face. And also because he was trying to commit genocide, but he hit Chryssy in the face. I wouldn’t have killed him if he hadn’t done that.” I sat down as the next mare walked up to me. “Howdy, how’s your day going?” I asked.

“...You’re Fruit Punch, aren’t you?” I nodded. “Are you down to date a real mare? Like me, the lovely Minuette?” She asked, her face turning into something that she probably thought was seductive. “There’s a lot of gossip going around that you’re only a puppet for the Queen; she doesn’t care about you.” Huh. “So why not date a mare that can treat you right?” I hummed. “Well? Are you-” I stopped listening, because this bitch sounds inpatient. The mare was kinda pretty though, light blue coat, mane looks like toothpaste, hourglass for a cutie mark. Chrysalis was prettier though. I looked down at Cozy Glow who was happily snacking on a carton of hay fries I had got her.

“Hey Cozy, cover your ears. Daddy’s about to say a lot of inappropriate things that fillies like you shouldn’t hear.” Cozy nodded, before tucking the carton under a wing, and bringing her hooves up to cover her ears. “Listen, I’m flattered that you, and a lot of mares find me attractive, but Queen Chrysalis can treat me better than you ever could. For one thing, roleplay while having sex is pretty fun; Chrysalis and I can do literally anything because she’s a changeling from vore to literally fucking a snake; Chryssy can do it all, and do it better than you, you filthy whore. Also, I love her, and she loves me. She made that pretty clear… And she would gut you, and kill me, if she caught us dating. So for both of our sakes, back off, also I’m not interested. Leave me alone.” The mare’s face was priceless. I think she stopped listening after I talked about our roleplay. I nudged Cozy, and she nodded again.

“Anyways, Chrysalis is also great for cuddling, wouldn’t you agree, Cozy?”

The filly jumped up and down. “Yeah! She’s super soft and squishy, yet firm!”

We walked off, leaving a confused unicorn just standing in the streets.

I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but somehow my endless wandering around ended up with me bumping into Twilight and Shining Armor. For some reason, me and Twilight let Shining Armor talk us into doing a sparring match. Cozy even agreed to it, because she loves me, and wants to see me suffer. Of course, I was looking forward to what was about to happen. The Princesses, Chryssy, and some of the Guard’s captains were watching us as we stood face to face, across from a training field. Why did I agree to this? Because fighting the fucking Element of Magic seems like a good idea.

Also, Twilight’s friends were watching us.

“Twilight, why did we let this happen? We could’ve said no.”

“Well… I am curious about how far your skills will go against me and my raw magical abilities. You’ve apparently managed to go toe to toe with my brother through raw skill; I have next to zero training beyond what I’ve learnt while under Celestia’s tutorage. You have training in some more niche areas of magic, fighting skills, and, according to Shiny, nearly unpredictable. And you’ve taken down earth ponies during the Equestrian Games.” Now was a good time to mention that several civilians were also watching us, because this was actually a fundraiser for the Royal Guards to get better training and Equipment. Turns out people wanna see what I can do to an alicorn.

Spoiler, not much.

“I just wanted to cuddle with my daughter on a park bench,” I sighed. “Aight, let’s get this over with. First person to get knocked out, or incapacitated loses. Nothing too damaging; I still have a day to kill, and I want to spend that day with my daughter, not on a stretcher.” Though being dead doesn’t sound too bad. I’ll probably want to be dead after being hit with a telekinetic beam, so I hope I just instantly die from getting hit by one of those.

“That’s fair,” Twilight dug at the ground with a hoof as Princess Celestia started counting down to my death. As soon as she said three, Twilight started circling me like a wolf, whereas I stood still and tried to read her movement. I know I ain’t gonna do shit in a magical bout; I am apparently above average at best. Like it would matter against what was one of the most magically gifted unicorns of all time, who is now an alicorn with an earth pony’s stamina backing that magic, who can fly, and can probably hit harder than I can despite her not working out. But I plan on using a few magical attacks to close the distance and just get into a melee derby with Twilight; I can probably knock her out with enough punches to the back of the head.

Twilight was apparently sick of waiting around, as she shot a magical blast my way, which I rolled out of the way from, before bringing a shield up to deflect any more spells shot my way. That was a good idea, as I ended up redirecting the spell back towards Twilight, and then I had an idea. I started charging in, using a shield, and putting it up and down as I ran in, shooting spells in between whenever I dropped the shield to keep Twilight on her toes. Now, she would have analyzed my movement during the Equestrian Games, and probably think I’ll try and fake her out.

She’s probably right, but also, I’m gonna prove her wrong.

Twilight shot a spell at me while we were nearly point blank, my shield came up last second, and the spell immediately shot back towards the alicorn. The small crowd that had gathered started roaring as the spell nearly hit Twilight… If she hadn’t teleported out of the way last second to the side. Well, that didn’t matter since my hoof connected with her nose, making her reel back. Since she wasn’t much of a fighter, she backed away from a second while holding her nose. I pressed the offense… only to be stopped by levitation. Twilight smirked, before tossing me about the arena.

This is so fun, my legs hurt like hell, my shoulder hurts, my everything hurts. However, Twilight’s onslaught didn’t last very long, and landed in front of me, while I was on the ground, with a smug grin on her face. Because I am a fair fighter, I augment my left, front leg’s muscles before sucker punching her. The result was instant, Twilight’s head snapped back, and I punched her in the chest. The Alicorn of Magic went flying, crashing into the ground with a thud. I stood up, knowing that I’m gonna be hurting like hell when I wake up tomorrow. Twilight, thankfully, got right back up.

“That was cheap!” She shouted.

“I was trained by Pharynx, Chrysalis’s second in command, and also one of her generals. Winning a fight’s about getting out alive, not fighting with honor,” I shrugged. I side stepped another telekinetic blast, before my horn lit up. Twilight was teleported in front of me, which made me reel back in surprise, but that didn’t last long. I headbutted Twilight and she went down again. This time, she didn’t get back up; I just won. I just beat an alicorn. What the fuck? Well, everything hurts, and I came out probably bloody and bruised, whereas Twilight barely has a scratch on her, but I won.

My face hurts.

“It… Looks like Fruit Punch wins!” Celestia shouted in what was probably her announcer voice.

“Woo…” I faceplanted beside the alicorn I just knocked the fuck out.

I woke up in a hospital bed after some undisclosed amount of time. Twilight was in the same room, but the only difference was she was perfectly fine. I wasn’t. “So, mister, how was winning?” She asked smugly. “Because it cost you a concussion, a broken leg, a broken hoof, you broke a wrist, and you lost about twenty percent of your blood from various cuts and scratches.” Oh. Twilight nervously chuckled. “I’m surprised that you actually beat me though, even if it wasn’t through the most fair means.” Twilight grinned. “I knew you were good with magic! You teleported me to you! Don’t you know how hard that is for the average unicorn to do?”

“No clue. Don’t wanna know. For me, magic’s just a tool in my arsenal, not something to actively practice. You said I was apparently capable of teleporting objects, so I figured a bit of extra power could allow me to teleport ponies. I was right by the looks of it.”

Twilight sighed. “Are you sure you don’t want somepony to teach you how to fully utilize your magic? Princess Celestia, myself, Queen Chrysalis, even Sunset Shimmer wouldn’t be opposed to teaching you. I’ve heard from the Princess herself that she would be at least interested in testing your magic in a more controlled environment. Then see if you’d even stand a chance at getting into her magic school. With how you use your magic, when you do use it, you’ve used it in a way I never would’ve thought of! Like teleporting an enemy to you so you can unleash a physical onslaught? Even Shiny was impressed!”

I shrugged. “I mean, learning magic would make fighting people easier, but I have several other things in my arsenal. Such as a gun, my backup gun, and my third gun, the dart gun, my hooves. Magic is just a means for me to get close enough to make use of my hooves, and if I need to keep my distance, a gun, or a dart gun if I’m not looking to kill somebody. Hell, I’m looking into learning how to use bladed weapons to add to my arsenal… Plus Pharynx taught me some paralyzing spells and ways to disable shields if I feel the need.” Granted, that way to disable shields was to beat on the fucking thing until it cracked, but whatever.

Cozy soon reared her adorable little head over the edge of the bed. “Dad!” She hopped up and nuzzled into my neck before laying down. “Are you feeling a little better? The nurses had to use a lot of painkiller spells to make sure you wouldn’t wake up screaming…” She grinned. “You beat up an alicorn and lived!” Twilight snorted.

“Now, don’t let me fight Celestia or Luna. Those two scare me; with how long they’ve been alive, they probably know how to kick some ass. For instance, Celestia’s soft and squishy, but under that soft and squishiness is a lot of well-toned muscles. I don’t wanna get decked by her, that’s for fucking sure.”

“Luckily, you will not have to find out how hard I hit, as we are friends. I wouldn’t dare lift a hoof to you,” Celestia said after bumping her head against the doorframe with a yelp. Ah yes, regal Princess at work. “I am quite impressed, Fruit. Are you certain you want nothing to do with being in the Royal Guard? I could see Shining Armor chewing on his hooves, hoping you would join the guard and be his second in command-”

“Nope. Don’t wanna; I wanna cuddle my daughter and sleep.” Before anyone could argue with me, I grabbed my filly, pulled her closer to my chest, and fell asleep. My body just didn’t wanna stay awake, and I was perfectly okay with that.