I blinked a couple times, I am probably dead, given that I see nothing but a black void. Well, that sucks, I’m dead. Well… Shit. That actually sucks a lot. Now I can’t watch my daughter bloom into a lovely mare, or even marry Chrysalis. Well… at least I died a hero instead of living long enough to become a villain. I sat in thought, contemplating what’s next. Clearly there is an afterlife if I still remain myself after probably dying. I rested my head in my hooves… interesting, I’m dead, but I’m still a pony, and not some sorta human or angel.

“So, you finally killed Tirek,” what? I slowly looked up to see… an alicorn. He looked… exactly like me, but with wings, and a different cutie mark too. Instead of the jack-in-the-box that I had, this alicorn had a microphone and a spotlight. He was nearly as tall as Celestia “You know, we both know it’s rude to be checking each other’s cutie marks. It’s only on our asses,” the alicorn said. “Though, allow me to introduce myself. I am Fruit Punch, I entered Equestria when I was in my first year of college, but I am currently in the future of an alternate timeline from yours, and let me tell you this about what is about to happen to you when you wake up. It may not play out the exact same, but I believe I know the general outline of what may happen.”

“Wait, I’m alive?”

“Eeyup. I also don’t know how I ended up here, but I guess being an alicorn lets you speak with others across universes, I guess. I don’t fucking know. It might just be the cocaine I brought from the Mirror World. I always wondered what I’d be like if I could grow older before ending up in Equestria… You definitely seem happier than I am.”

“...Why?”

“I have no idea who the fuck I am. I ended up in Equestria in my freshman year, when you entered Equestria long after college; you actually knew who you were while I was still figuring out who I was. How do I know this? I don’t know. Again, I am high off my ass right now. Anyways, when you wake up, you are going to hate what the fuck happened, mostly because you’ll probably be in a lot pain. So tell me, how did you kill your Tirek? I made my ear a grenade by tricking him.” When I told him how I did it, a good ol’ shotgun to the face. “And you didn’t make a terminator reference? Man, I know you’re definitely way more mature than I am when I was your age… Fuck, ruling Equestria sure is a load of shit. Anyways, when you wake up, one of two things may happen. You’ll wake up, and that’s the end of it,” my other-wordly counterpart shivered. “Or you’ll wake up with wings. If you wake up with wings, I am so, so sorry for you. Like Jesus Christ’s nipples, I ended up taking over in Celestia’s place, because I guess Twilight didn’t wanna rule, or live in a country that I ruled over. Do you know how many dumbfucks have asked me what two plus two is? More than two adults.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I asked.

“Look, just cherish Chrysalis; if you grow wings the two of you will probably drift apart. I know mine and I ended up not even marrying; we just stopped clicking after a while. Such is life with two immortals.” Oh… “Well, I’m going to go drink myself until I die of alcohol poisoning. Enjoy your time with Chrysalis and Cozy Glow, especially Cozy. She’s a stone statue in my world after a final, big battle involving just her. Kid deserves way more than what she got in life-”

I woke up to the sound of a heart monitor. I groaned, laying on my side, staring into the eyes of Chrysalis. “Fruit! You are awake!” Chrysalis went and hugged me. “You have no idea how worried I was for you! Look who’s also here!” Cozy Glow hopped up on the bed, glaring at me. Uh… that is probably not a good thing.

“Dad? Daddy’s awake!” Cozy’s voice was so cheerful. When my eyes landed on her face, it was… darkening. “Why. Did. You. Think. Fighting. That. Meaning. Was. A. Good. Idea?” Cozy shouted at me. Her hoof stomped into the bed to punctuate every single world. “You could’ve died! Do you know what me and Mommy would do if you died? Did you think for even a second about what could happen if you got hurt?” Cozy wrapped her arms around my neck and started bawling into it. “I-I th-thought I-I lost-t yo-you.” She nuzzled deep into my neck. “Please, do not put yourself in danger again, Dad. I…” she sobbed. “I love you dad, please just let the strong ponies handle the big meanies.”

“Trust me, I know now… fuck,” now I feel bad for making my kid cry. I looked up at Chrysalis. “Are you alright? I know you took a nasty hit.”

“Who is the one with a love-powered healing factor, Fruit? I am. I am perfectly fine, yes, I took quite a hit, but I am still perfectly fine.” Chrysalis nuzzled me. “Watching you get angry like that over me, and generally seeing you that angry… It was kind of hot. And then the way you brought down that horrible monster in seconds! You do not know just how much I want to marry you right now, and I wish we could hurry up and get married already.” Chrysalis grinned. “I know we’re going to be spending a lot of time together, after all.” Wait… what?

I looked down at my sides… a pair of wings. I slowly looked up at Chrysalis. “What. The. Fuck? Why the hell do I have wings?”

“Nopony is sure, but I believe that all the magic stored within Tirek had to do with it, when it all bursted. By all rights, that explosion should’ve killed you, but it was also an explosion of raw magic. But… we’re going to be able to spend the end of time together! I’m quite happy about your new predicament…”

“Okay… ignoring any possible responsibility, I don’t want… this,” I pointed at my wings. “I don’t want to live forever. Just eighty years, or however long I have in the tank, is enough for me. I don’t want to…” I looked down at Cozy, who had literally cried herself to sleep in my grasp. “I don’t want to have to hold my daughter while she’s laying on her deathbed. I simply don’t want to have to say goodbye to any of my friends, knowing that I definitely won’t see them again. I love you Chrysalis, and I am very happy that I won’t leave you a crying mess when I eventually would’ve died. But this?” I sighed. “Being immortal is a curse, as I’m sure that you know. What am I even the alicorn of? Fuck all if I know; like it matters. Because I don’t want that shit. Nearly every alicorn that isn’t Twilight Sparkle, is revered as some kinda god for one reason or another. I don’t want to be treated as such.”

Chrysalis sighed. “I know being immortal will suck, I know adjusting to being an alicorn will suck. But it’s not all that bad… as for what you would be the alicorn of? Talent, perhaps? You do have a ride arrange of skills…” Chrysalis then reached over and yanked my wing off… which didn’t hurt somehow. “Though that was some sick prank that Luna wanted to try, so she took a bunch of the feathers that she and her sister molted, and stuck a fake pair of wings on you after dying them. You aren’t immortal,” Chrysalis warmly smiled. “And I am glad for it; with how you reacted, you would’ve been depressed for the rest of your life.”

“...I am going to use tar and feathers to turn Moonbutt into a chicken.” At least I’m not actually an alicorn. That would… actually suck a lot.

“And I will assist you,” Chrysalis chuckled. “There will be an award ceremony for you later this week. For now though, since you are on the road to recovery; you did get crushed by a massive centaur after all. While you recover, myself and Cozy will visit you, cuddle you, anything. Expect a visit from the Princesses, as they would like to personally thank you, and I believe Celestia wishes to confiscate something from you after seeing it in action. So be prepared to face whatever that ol’ mare has in store for you…” Great.

“Can I keep Cozy here for today at least? She ain’t moving anytime soon,” my daughter was snoring. I couldn’t help but try and lay my tail over her.

“Of course. She did miss you after Celestia said you had to remain in your old home during the nationwide lockdown; I’m surprised she didn’t rip into Celestia as she blames that as for how you almost got killed.” Chrysalis stood up. “Well, I must go assist the Princesses in assessing the damage that Tirek has caused. I will be away for a week, surveying the damage in various towns and cities.

Meanwhile in another universe

“You lucky son of a bitch! Of course he doesn’t get wings! And I get stuck dealing with this retarded fucking horse asking me what color the sun is!” Fruit Punch pulled out a double barrel shotgun from… who knows where and promptly committed suicide. Because life sucks, he survived. “God. Fucking. Dammit!” Fruit’s story is not so funny anymore.

So at some point, Cozy Glow had to go because the doctors wanted to run some tests on me. And it turns out I broke a rib or two when Tirek fell on me. The only reason why I am not flailing in pain is because magic is awesome, and painkiller magic is actually insane. Like it actually stops me from feeling any pain, and doesn’t have the issue of me possibly being addicted to it. Of course, I still wasn’t allowed to move until the magic works its way through my body, but I still have to let the healing spells run through my body, which could take up to a solid week. Also all of my bodily functions could be checked up on with magic. And since you have to be a unicorn that has an innate ability to use healing spells, or know alchemy, I had no idea why the heart monitor was there.

It wasn’t even plugged into me. Hell, I fucked with it, using my magic, and turned it into a clock because I was just that bored. Yes, the doctors were super happy about me using magic and messing with the heart monitor. Because using magic, while the healing spells run through you, can lead to you having a headache if you use anything more advanced than telekinesis. Or kill you if it’s super advanced. Upon hearing that, I saw why they were concerned, and proceeded to just sit there idly.

I opened a book at some point, some shitty knockoff of Star Wars where the Death Star was an island. And instead of a hand, the fucker loses a wing. Yeah, I’d rather cut a hoof off and change the main character into an earth pony. That would be way cooler. Then again, I have read actual Star Wars and hope to steal the whole book set when the Crystal Mirror opens up again. Fuck, I shoulda went and gotten ahold of that while I was there the first time! Imagine how much money I could be if I published that here!

The door clicked open, and every single Princess, Twilight included, filed into my hospital room. I long since chucked the book back to the shelf, where it had expertly slid back into where it once was. “Howdy,” I waved a hoof. “So I got to experience your little prank, Luna. Not cool. I woulda actually kill myself if I ended up becoming an alicorn.”

“Wait what? I thought becoming an alicorn was an honor, something everypony would love! Though, with how much magic was in the area, I’m surprised you aren’t an alicorn.”

“Don’t I have to do some spiritual bullshit in order to become an alicorn? Learn thy true self or some shit. Because it’s kinda hard for me to become an alicorn if one of the means to become an alicorn is to understand what your cutie mark means. Because mine literally represents having a wide range of skills. Not some shit that involves killing a dude. And as for the suicide part? I don’t want to live forever. I don’t want to have to attend my daughter’s fucking funeral because I could easily outlive her. Sure, I’ll have Chrysalis, but I doubt our relationship could last forever. People change, and people especially change if they don’t age.

“Just excluding all the power, political power, and responsibilities that would come from me being an alicorn, immortality is not worth it. I don’t want to live a life where a century flashes by in what feels like a week, and realize all my friends are dead. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, and I sure as hell ain’t doing that shit. You ponies are okay with complacency, but humans are not. You, Luna, maybe okay with living forever, but the human brain simply is not built for it. I would go mentally insane by the second century.” I sighed. “I wanna feel alive. I want to have a thrill. I can’t have that if I know I’ll live forever.”

Celestia cleared her throat. “So, you killed somepony, and you must atone for your crimes.” Oh.

“But-”

“Yes, I know, you killed somepony that you would equate to ‘Hitler’ for some reason. Why do you always-”

“That fucker has to be one of the worse humans in human history. Deadass killed 6 million people, including men, women, and children. If I could, I would personally strangle that motherfucker, and smile while doing it. Luckily, he’s dead, so I don’t have to.”

“...I see why you compared Tirek to that human then. I was going to say I was going to send you to Tartarus just to see your reaction, but we both knew that wouldn’t come to pass. You saved Equestria, you saved myself, Luna, and Cadance. You fought valiantly, and you won against Tirek while he was that powerful. That, in my opinion, is quite impressive. You did use… that shotgun, which I might confiscate from you; it is quite dangerous and I do not want it to fall into the wrong hooves.”

“You wanna make more of them is what I’m hearing.”

“Okay, yes. My guards are generally… not the most useful in national threats such as Tirek, as you’ve seen. So having them armed with these would be helpful.”

“I could ask Chrysalis to just make you muskets, which is just a more primitive version of a shotgun. Her changelings are fucking nuts at making any ideas I have a reality.” I shrugged. “So, I was told I was going to have to get an award or something. Can I not get that?”

“Nope! You are getting that award ceremony, and you are also getting a window! You’ve already got one from helping Equestria find peace with the Changelings, so you’ll have two whole windows!” Grand. “And judging from your face, I know you are ready to be hailed as a national hero!”

“Wonderful. I think I'll get wasted in a bar somewhere after the ceremony. I’ve apparently been out for a few days after coming face to face with an explosion. So I should be out… tomorrow; I don’t think ribs take that long to heal after being dosed with magic constantly. So when’s the ceremony?”

“Tomorrow at four in the afternoon. Do not be late, and yes, wear a suit, Fruit. I know you hate wearing them, but think of it like this; Chrysalis-”

“Yeah, last time I wore a suit, Chrysalis literally had me fuck her. She ‘loves a stallion in uniform’. So of course I’m going to wear a suit and tie. But as soon as it’s over, I am going to go get drunk. As appealing as being considered a hero is, I don’t want the attention.”

Celestia giggled. “well…”

So, it’s about four thirty, four thirty in the afternoon. Celestia had given her speech about how Equestria made it through yet another hardship. Luna gave her own speech, Cadance and Twilight gave their own speeches. It is good to note that Twilight was happy that she could do something other than smile and wave. Chrysalis was currently giving her own speech, expressing how proud she is of her consort(me) for saving Equestria in such a heroic manner. All of those speeches were nice, cool even. “And I believe Fruit Punch, my consort, would like to say a few words before we award him!” Chrysalis side eyed me.

What the fuck, Chrysalis. I thought you loved me! And then you throw me to the sharks? How could you?

So that’s where I’m standing, on a podium, staring down at a sea of ponies expecting me to give a speech. I had my award, the Shield of Canterlot. I was just standing there, contemplating how quickly anyone would react if I were to just jump off right now. You know, being dead is hip and trending amongst old ponies. I could give that a shot… I took three deep breaths, and felt way, way calmer than before I took those three breaths. Okay, suicide is no longer a viable option, but it is on the table incase I fuck my speech up.

“Hello everypony, everybody, whatever the heck you are, it doesn't matter. I’m here today because Lord Tirek, a centaur from a far away land, decided to try and take over Equestria and make everyone I love suffer. I am going to be blunt with you, I didn’t think about Equestria as a whole when I walked out of my home to hide in the throne room for a week straight. No, I was mad. I was pissed off. Tirek dared to attack ponies, he wanted to hurt people. I live by a simple motto; you can do what you want, just don’t hurt anyone while doing it. I decided to step up and make sure Tirek can never threaten my home again. He hurt the mare I love, he tried to kill me. But just as we ponies do, we got back up after getting hit, and we kept on getting up. And we live another day.

“Nothing can hold us down as long as we all rise up to the occasion and fight for what we care about. That is how I’ve slain Tirek. Not through being brave, not through being smart, powerful, or any other shite. No, I defeated him because I had something to fight for. I bet you all have friends, family, lovers that you would fight for. Anyone here, anyone reading this in a newspaper, could easily replace me where I stand, if they fought for everything they love and care for. I don’t think I am much of a hero, I’m not proud of how I had to kill somebody to get that title; I just did what was necessary. Gooday, everyone, go have a nice picnic. Hug your loved ones, tell them you love them. I” With that I turned around and walked off the podium.

I didn’t stop to hear about what anyone thought of my shitty speech, I just broke into the royal wine cellar and grabbed the most expensive looking booze and snuck off into some random sitting room.

The hangover I had made me forget what the fuck I had said during that speech. Good. That speech sucked shit.

Author's Note

That booze was four centuries old.