Air Sexi

As Celestia slowly lowered the sun, Muffins flew up into the clouds above Ponyville, ever further away from the School of Friendship, and into Goldstream Heights, a posh suburb of Cloudsdale where wealthy pegasi lived in luxury. Once she’d dreamed of making it up here herself, but the birth of her unicorn daughter meant she’d always be an outsider here.

She knew it wasn’t fair to blame Dinky. By the time Muffins’ filly was born, her dream had been destroyed by her ugly divorce and the job she’d had to take at Equestria Post. These fancy houses were for other mares: mares whose business ideas were more successful than a dumb air taxi service. Mares who were willing to give up their independence and be kept as trophy wives for some elderly business stallion. Mares who didn’t need to fight for everything.

Muffins wiped away a tear, then bucked up and resolved to stop feeling sorry for herself. She looked at the slip of paper tucked into the underside of her peaked cap, reminding herself of her destination.

“916 Cumulus Circle?” she asked herself. “Isn’t that Thunderlane’s mansion?” But Thunderlane was a Wonderbolt! Why did he need an air taxi? Maybe he’d had an earth pony friend over for dinner, and he only needed Muffins to bring him... or her... down to the ground before the cloud walking potion ran out.

Gosh, Thunderlane, what a stallion! That chiselled jaw, that sleek physique, that thick sheath... and that bulging wallet! Muffins was very fond of Frank, Rupert, and Zocco, but her playmates were hardly rich. If Thunderlane would cast just one romantic glance in her direction, she and Dinky would be set for life.

Muffins flew up to the large, imposing door to Thunderlane’s mansion and pressed her hoof against the bell. She turned around as usual, admiring the fading colours of the sunset. A minute later she looked over her shoulder, forcing her biggest smile as Thunderlane opened the door.

Thunderlane wore a plush velvet robe with a golden kirin on one side and a silver nirik on the other. The extravagant garment had surely cost more than Muffins’ rent for an entire year. The hard-partying playcolt held a Crystal Empire glass full of a deep blue liquor imported from the Dragonlands. Muffins could smell the alcohol from where she stood: so much stronger than the cheap cider she could only afford at the end of the season.

“Y-your ride is ready, sir.” Muffins thrust out her rump a little further. She felt dirty acting like this, trying to use her body to catch sympathy from a rich guy, but she had to think of Dinky’s future!

Muffins shuddered as the cocky Wonderbolt looked Muffins up and down as if she was a bale of hay. Frank, Rupert, and Zocco had all stared at her plot, but playfully and even tenderly. Thunderlane’s gaze felt like a violation!

“I guess you’ll do,” Thunderlane sighed at last. “How much do you charge for anal?”

“Huh?”

The wealthy stallion scoffed loudly. “Oh, are you too good to take it up the plot? Are you the sort of whorse who still thinks she has dignity?”

“I’m not a whorse! I’m a working mother who’s trying to run a business!” Muffins lashed out verbally at the entitled slob behind her.

Thunderlane just lifted his drink to his lips. “Yeah, right. Everypony knows this ‘air taxi’ of yours is just a cover for making suck-and-fuck house calls.”

“That’s not it at all! I just happen to keep meeting sexy single guys while I’m working! Yes, sometimes I end up taking it up the plot, but only because I like it, with the right guy, which isn’t you!”

Suddenly Muffins heard a siren, and a carriage pulled by pegasi screeched to a halt in Thunderlane’s driveway. Policeponies poured from the carriage, charging tasers that were pointed directly at her.

“Cloudsdale PD! Freeze!”

“W-what’s going on?” Muffins asked her would-be client.

“Aah, shit!” the stallion screamed. He turned into his mansion and yelled at somepony inside. “Flush it! Flush it!”

“Muffins ‘Derpy’ Hooves, you are under arrest for soliciting!”

Muffins gasped. “No!” she protested. “There’s been a mistake! I run a taxi business! Thunderlane, help me!”

“Nevermind, don’t flush it!” Thunderlane called out. “They’re just here for the whorse!”

Pegasi holding bright spotlights flapped above Muffins, blinding her. She shielded her eyes with a wing, only to find herself tackled and held against the clouds. Her face was forced down into the condensed water vapour that formed the streets of Cloudsdale, and Muffins choked and gagged. Her peaked cap slipped off her head, fell through the cloud below her and floated down into the Everfree Forest, lost forever.

“Wait, please!” The policeponies roughly cuffed Muffins’ wings behind her back and carried her towards their paddy wagon, silently threatening her with their tasers. “I didn’t do anything!” she cried. “Please, I have a foal at home!” The stonefaced officers just snarled at the weeping pegasus and forced her into the back of the wagon, slamming the door.

“Hey, what about me?” Thunderlane called out plaintively to the departing police. “Can I at least get a hoofjob?”