Since our private marriage, which also happened to be the day when we got caught in an extravagant act of forbidden love by a random stranger, Suzzane started to put bigger efforts into learning how to speak. Of course, it wasn’t as if we needed it to communicate with each other, we could always share a lot of thoughts even without words. However, the clever mare caught on the idea of convincing my parents to actually listen to her when she’s trying to tell them something important. Such as: That she’s actually way more sentient than they give her credit for and that we’re in love. Then again, until she could argue with them properly without my help, they’d likely think I’m just making her parrot the stuff that I taught her myself. So, she still had a long way to go before she could tell them.

I noticed Suzzane’s increased endeavour quickly. For instance: She began asking me more often about the meaning of certain words and she had also started using her voice to communicate way more often than before.

We could sometimes spend hours together without Suzzane needing to resort to speaking; using more than a single or two word sentence. She could usually make do with her body language and only an occasional word.

Things suddenly changed though. For instance, she would suddenly try to tell me about her day after I returned from school. The first time she tried, it went like:

“Hello Anon, Suzzane see burd at garden. Big AND blue, yes. Try touch but fly awa-way.”

She then sat there with a wide smile, waiting for my verdict.

Needless to say, I was immensely proud of her and it was also adorable as hell. It was not enough though. I wish I could say that a week later she came to my parents and and with excellent pronunciation announced:

"Dear mother and father of Anon, it is high time I tell you that me and your son are deeply in love. I know this is rather unconventional as he is a human and I am of a different, yet same intelligent and passionate species. However, our hearts can't be told otherwise because they beat as one! Would you kindly give us your blessing?"

And they would be like:

"Oh well,.. yes this is rather unconventional from the traditional point of view, but we can see from your display of speech that you indeed are a lot more than the colourful dog we assumed you to be. With a little effort on our side, maybe we could get over the fact that you happen to walk on four legs and accept the strange, however pure, bond of love between you and our son.

We have decided to give you our blessing."

Of course, that isn’t exactly what happened. Suzzane barely scraped the surface of making longer sentences but her ultimate test came way too early and way too pressingly…

It was a friday afternoon and I just returned from school. I barely managed to greet Suzzane and my sister when my dad returned from his work, looking awfully stern. The first thing he did was that he sent my sister to her room and ordered me to stay in the kitchen. I already knew something was wrong but I had hoped it would be merely because of school. You see, I only had about a week left of school before the summer holiday would start and I didn't exactly ‘nail’ the last maths test, so I expected my final grade to be somewhat less than savoury. It would make sense that my father would be mad about it, and it has been almost two weeks since we got caught by the dog lady. I really thought that after such a long time, it wouldn’t come back to bite me. That maybe, the protective hand that felt like it was above us, would keep us from harm's way forever; or, at least until we’d be ready and prepared to take that step ourselves.

However, from the expression on my dad’s face, I feared that it wouldn't be the case. It was as if I was looking at a stranger. There was not even a hint of his usual good hearted undertone while trying to scold me about something that made my mother mad. A cold shiver ran up my spine as I realised that my second worst fear in life might actually be coming to reality right before me. Suzzane probably did not see the heaviness of the situation even though she definitely sensed that something was off. The mare sat on the ground next to me, as if wanting to support me in whatever was going to happen.

“Anon, certain ‘news’ have come to my attention today at work.” The way my father started, I already knew I was fucked. “A mother of my colleague supposedly saw, in her own words: ‘someone shagging one of those new mini horses they began selling this year’. It was supposedly in the forest not too far from here and that someone also had a bicycle with him. Of course, she would not recognize his face but people know that we are the only ones in the neighbourhood who own a creature like Suzzane. Also, people at my workplace know that I have a son who spends a considerable lot of his time with our pet. Often out on a bicycle! Do you know why?”

My head began spinning and every molecule of my body inched me to run. It took a massive amount of self restraint just to stand there and face what was about to come. “N-no…” I stuttered with my heart in my stomach.

“Well, that’s because I told them. I told them because I had no idea that my own son is screwing our goddamn family pet! Word spreads fast and now everyone I work with knows that I have a freak for a son! I look like an idiot in front of my coworkers and even in front of the people I supervise, because even they somehow knew it before me!” The man banged his fist onto a table to emphasise his rage. “...Was that the first time?!”

“Dad I-” I tried to explain myself but I was interrupted.

“Was that the first time?!”

“It wasn’t.” I admitted. I felt so weak and defeated that I couldn’t even find the strength to lie. All that I could muster to say in my defence was a weak: “I love her, dad.”

“We all do but only one of us is banging the goddamn thing! Jesus fucking Christ, Anon, not only are you taking advantage of an animal that cannot think for itself but you’re also doing it so shamelessly in public!? Are you utterly insane?”

“I had no idea someone would-”

“You aren’t supposed to be fucking animals in the first place!”

“Dad, listen, she’s not an animal!” I yelled in desperation, hoping he would actually hear me out. “She’s a person with real thoughts, feelings, moods and ideas! She just… she needs time to learn. -Please, Suzie, tell him.” I glanced down at the spot by my side where I last saw her, and found the had moved to what little protective shielding would be had behind my legs. She had never seen my father that angry and it was likely more scary for her than she initially anticipated.

All she could get out of herself under such pressure was a scared: “S-Suzzane love Anon, v-very… Pleas. Need tiem.”

“She’s been telling that ever since you taught her. Are you trying to fool me or are you actually fooling yourself?” The man seemed to calm down just a little bit. Enough to stop yelling but definitely not enough to stop boiling inside.“Just look at her goddammit. She only says what you teach her.”

This was it. With the argument in full force, all the cards were out on the table. No more denying, no more trying to hide it... If I didn't stand up for myself, for Suzan, nobody would, now or ever; but especially now. How could things have possibly gotten worse than they already were? Suzan had reasoning and understanding, I just knew it. Did my father? However short of a supply they were in, I had to try.

“That is not true! She’s doing her best to learn to speak fluently so that she could tell you herself but you never even acknowledged her progress! Look, I know it is hard to swallow, but it was hard for me too! Especially when I realised that this would be me. That I’d never have children and I’d have to hide our relationship in front of everyone. But I cannot abandon her, she is my soulmate. She’s like the second part of my soul that missed my whole life and I cannot imagine spending the rest of it with anyone else…”

The man just stood there, quiet. For a short moment, I thought he might understand but the truth was that he was completely unmoved by a single word that I said. The only reason why he let me speak so long was because in his eyes, I was openly confessing my insanity. "Anon, you're delusional and quite deranged if you actually believe all this,” he said way too calmly, as if talking to an actual patient in an asylum. “This is actually even worse than I thought it would be."

My heart sank. The world as I knew it was crashing down all around me. "No dad, you gotta understand, please! She-"

"Enough."

"Dad-"

"I said enough!” He yelled, only to forcefully calm his tone afterwards. “I am not letting you near her again. Even if it should mean kicking you out of this house."

"You can't mean that."

"Oh yes I can. And I do. Starting tomorrow. You're 18 after all. It's time you learned about the real world. Maybe you’ll finally come to your senses too. You can go pack your things.” He pointed towards my room.

“Are you actually serious?”

“Dead serious. Now go! And the horse stays here in the living room until you’re out of this house. Don’t even think I’ll leave you in one room with her unsupervised.”

All I was able to do at that point was to burst into tears and walk away to my room like a little bitch. Suzzane tried to follow me but the man, who I considered my father just a few minutes before, grabbed her by the tail to prevent her from leaving. I even heard her scared yelp but I just couldn’t do anything. I was too weak. I wanted to turn around, punch him in the jaw, take Suzzane and leave, never to see him again. Yet I didn’t, I was full of fear. And I hated myself for it. I hated him, I hated the world, I even hated God for letting this happen.

In my room, I cried alone for what could have been an hour before I calmed down enough to start thinking logically again. I knew I should probably use that precious time I still had to pack the things I needed the most. However, the only thing on my mind was Suzzane. The fact that she didn’t come, made clear that the man was serious about all the things he had said. Still though, I had to see her. If that was the last day I could be in her presence, I had to be there. So, I dried away the tears from my face and crept towards the living room. When I opened the door, I saw my mother and my father talking. They didn’t notice me at first but who did notice me was Suzzane. She was laying on her mattress that they moved near the couch in front of the TV. The mare raised her head, then glanced at the two figures whether they were looking and deeming it might be safe, she hesitantly picked herself up and sneakily went towards me. I also dared to make a step forward into the room but that was when the door creaked and both of my parents' eyes landed on me.

It was obvious that my father had already told my mother everything, yet she didn’t seem as angry as him when she saw me. Rather, sad and disappointed.

“Didn’t I tell you something?” Father said before anyone else could speak.

“I just want to see her.” I stood my ground, a bit more determined than before.

“He’s not going to do anything while we are here.” My mother laid her hand on the man's shoulder to ease him a bit.

“He better not.” He pushed the hand away and went to sit down in his chair.

“Anon, are the things that your father said about you, you and Suzzane, true?”

“Depends on what he said. Mom, I love her. I’m serious.”

“Anon, please, don’t. Just-” She looked away and didn’t finish. Instead, she slowly turned around and went to the kitchen. Probably to make something for dinner to take her mind somewhere else.

Suzzane, stopped halfway through on her way to me, took a few more hesitant steps and I did towards her as well. My father was still there but he probably only let it happen because he was prepared to stop me if I tried anything ‘funny’.

I finally got close enough to Suzzane to kneel down and gently take her front hoof into my hands. She was visibly shaken by what happened, scared to hug or show too much affection to me in front of the man, just as I was afraid to touch her. The mare likely never imagined it could have gone like this when they found out. Truth was, I didn’t imagine it could go this bad either.

“Suzzan sorry… Suzzan love Anon. Never think parent so… angry. ” She whispered.

“No, I’m sorry Suzie. None of this is your fault.” I caressed her hoof in my hand, desperately longing to hug her and keep her close. To tell her that things would be alright, that we would be alright, but I just didn’t know what to say other than: “I love you too…”

For the moment when our eyes met as I said that, a smile flew over both our faces but then it shifted into a pained wince.

“Tomorrow Anon… gone?” Suzzane asked.

“Yes. I do not want to but...” I hung my head. “I have no choice.”

“Suzzane know.” She put the hoof, which I let go of, onto my head, stroking my hair. Then, there I burst into tears again. Quietly of course. I felt like that was all I could ever do. To cry, weak and good for nothing.

As I wept, I sort of just collapsed on the ground by the wall and soon I could feel Suzzane laying next to me, trying to comfort me even though she didn’t feel exactly well herself. Nobody stopped her, either knowing that in the state I was in, I surely wouldn’t try anything, or the man simply stopped watching my pathetic displays of sadness.

Either way, I was at least partially happy to be so close to her for the moment. It was hard to say how long after I stopped crying we remained there but it eventually started to get dark. I think we both might have even fallen asleep at some point but my dreams were plagued with the scenarios of recent events. I hoped that I could just wake up any minute and realise that it was all a mere nightmare, that we still had time to fix things; to prepare ourselves for the time when they found out and maybe that it would go a lot better.

That wasn’t the case though, of course.

When I woke up, I was still on the ground, next to a wall in the living room. I didn’t even want to look in the direction where my father sat the last time I saw him, so I just buried my face deeper into Suzzane’s fur. Never before did I realise just how nicely she smelled while she was aroused but rather how sweet her natural scent was. It sort of reminded me of vanilla with a pinch of some fruit, but maybe I was just imagining it. Either way, it was very calming to me in such a state.

I longed to be alone with her. Not to have sex but to know that there wasn’t anyone else, looking or judging. I wanted to go for a bike ride, far away from this place, together. I wanted to watch the sunset, and then the stars and moon, feeling safe; feeling that everything would be okay.

Instead, I settled for reaching my hand into her fur and softly stroking it, which was enough.

“I love you Suzie, I’ll never stop. Even when I’ll be gone…” I whispered to her. “I’ll find my way back to you one day.”

…

It was my mother who eventually nudged me to get up after some time. It was about 10pm. She insisted I pack up properly because the man decided I’ll be leaving the next day before noon.

I did pack up all I could but I was limited by what I could carry, so taking things like my PC was out of the question of course. I packed up more practical things such as a toothbrush, a small tent I owned, spare socks, a book, survival kit, a small pillow… and the thin blanket that we used to sleep under in recent months when it was too hot for a normal blanket. It smelled like Suzzane and had a lot of her hair in it too so I decided it would be a piece of her that they couldn’t keep from me.

Falling asleep that night was rather hard as I had spent a considerable amount of time that day laying on the ground, so I didn’t feel tired when I actually needed to sleep. Unclear about what to do, I tried going back to the living room where Suzzane was but to no surprise, it was locked. I actually considered escaping through the window of my room, then breaking the window in the living room to grab and run away with her. I had nothing to lose after all. However, I kept hoping that tomorrow they might reconsider, so I didn’t do it.

Instead, I had been on my PC until I felt tired enough to go to sleep. It wasn’t too thrilling since I wasn’t sure if I’ll ever be able to return to my saved games, but it was the only thing I could easily kill time with.

…

The next day, they let me have an awkward, silent breakfast with them at the same table. My sister was there as well but she didn’t seem affected at all by what was happening because she was the only one cheerful. I figured they told her I was merely going for some kind of a trip or something similar and I wasn't going to tell her the truth either. It wouldn’t do her any good to be involved in it.

Suzzane was there as well, but she knew exactly what was coming and it reflected heavily on her mood. She sat nearby, looking unusually gloomy, compared to her usual chirpy personality. We would occasionally glance at each other but doing that somehow hurt more than just looking away. Still though, I couldn’t stop.

After the breakfast, it was time to go, so I went to pick up my bag and a bicycle. I figured that it would be better than having to go on foot everywhere. I said goodbye to my sister and hugged Suzzane. I didn’t say anything, nor did she. Everything important was already said. I just looked into her eyes one last time and gave her a short kiss on the lips. Short enough for my parents to not be able to stop me. By the time they noticed, I was already standing up.

I didn’t say anything to them either. Everything important was already said too, and nothing was going to change now. However, neither of them exactly looked angry anymore, rather, sad instead. It seemed out of place to me. I wasn’t going to pity them, though. I just took my stuff and left.

***

After I was kicked out, I spent a few days under the tent which I cleverly took with me. I had no actual idea where to go so I just set it up somewhere close to the fields where I used to go for walks with my precious, now lost, four legged girlfriend. I just placed the camp a bit further away from the road where people walk to avoid them.

It was of course a temporary solution but I wasn’t in a state to make any future plans. I just collapsed there, once I was done building the tent, and listened to sad songs on my phone. The mat was making my back hurt, as it still hurt from laying on the ground yesterday, and all of it even added to the miserable state I was in:

Feeling betrayed by my own parents and having lost my single most cherished person in my life, I was unsure about my future, losing will to live while not being strong enough to end it myself, as always. Nothing seemed to make sense in the world.

I gotta admit, I cried plentily that day and I had to cry myself to sleep too, pathetically clutching the blanket that still had some Suzzane’s hair in it and smelled a bit like vanilla with a hint of some fruit.

Okay, I cried the second day as well but you probably get the point that I wasn't taking it all exactly well.

Throughout that period, I didn’t even know what to do with my time, so I’d either walk aimlessly when I wasn’t laying in the tent or I’d occasionally sneak around back to my parents house, trying to at least catch a glimpse of Suzzane. Yeah, I really was that desperate but broken heart is a broken heart and it hurts about as much when someone important to you dies, except it’s you, dying on the inside. I also considered going to school but it was almost the end of the school year. Grades were already set, and honestly, I was scared of seeing the people I knew.

What soon became the most pressing issue was the fact that I was starting to starve. All of the food that I had when I left my home, I had already eaten, and I didn’t have any idea how to get more. Spending a day on an empty stomach however, gives you a lot of motivation to start searching for a way to eat something, anything at all. My first attempt was to sneakily rummage through the trash like an actual hobo. It was degrading of course but I was really hungry. In the end, I didn’t even find anything worth picking up which didn’t exactly add to my will to live. An experienced hobo would probably know where to look but I was as green as a spring grass. So, the next day, feeling like I had nothing to lose anymore, I went shoplifting in a big-ass supermarket. I figured that nobody would miss a few cans of food and some bread, but boy was I mistaken. Somebody must have noticed me on camera and suddenly there were two security men running after me. I presume it was obvious that I ran like a motherfucker towards my bicycle that was waiting outside. It reminded me of the time I was running away with Suzzane in my arms from the amusement park, except this time it was merely with a bag of stolen food on my back. Just like the last time though, I managed to safely get away too. I really was good at running from people and once I was sitting on the bicycle, it was easy to get away.

It was obvious though, that I couldn’t do that again, not in the same supermarket at least. I wasn’t feeling bad about myself in the slightest, I always considered big corporations to be greedy bastards, but I knew that if I keep doing that, I would eventually get caught. With that in mind on the way back to my tent, I stopped in the public library to charge my phone and use their wifi to look up some jobs. I figured that I might as well be doing something with my otherwise useless life. Sitting in my tent, listening to sad songs on my phone, wallowing in self pity and letting my thoughts rot my mind was the worst way to deal with my situation.

As luck would have it, I found a job offer as if made for me. It said:

“Secluded hotel/restaurant needs help in the kitchen. No experience required.

Accommodation and food will be provided.

Hiring: immediately.”

I used my last credit to call the number written underneath the text and after a few rings someone picked up:

“Hello?.. Hello?!” said a grumpy sounding voice with an audible russian accent. It also was as if he was hungover.

“Um, yes, hello, sorry. I read that you are seeking help in the kitchen. No experience required. Is that true?”

“Why yes!” the man on the other side changed tone into a much more welcoming one “We are indeed! Tell me something about yourself.”

In short, I did tell him the truth about my situation and why I wanted a job like this. Of course, I left out why I was kicked out. It didn’t seem to change the man's attitude. “...I have no idea where the address you provided is though, nor do I have any money to travel there.” I added at the end.

“Is no problem! Wait tomorrow at bus station in town, I pick you up.”

With that agreed, I ended the call.

I figured that I was either getting a job or I was getting murdered tomorrow. Both of which would solve a big part of my problems. A win-win situation for me.

…

The next morning I packed up my tent and I went to the station to be there at the time that we agreed on. Soon, I noticed an old, large, 4x4 truck stop nearby. Out of the car stepped a fittingly large man with a bald head and I shit you not, he only had one eye. I could tell immediately because instead of a subtle looking prosthetic eye, he only wore a shameless eyepatch like a pirate. If I felt like it was a fifty-fifty percent chance of getting a job versus getting murdered in the woods, I reconsidered and adjusted the chances in my head to twenty-eighty. Kinda scared, I approached him nonetheless.

“Um, hello. Are you-”

“You must be Anon!” The man interrupted me with a firm handshake. “Call me Sasha. Sorry to hear about your family but fear not! Soon you’ll have a new one!” He laughed loudly and patted my shoulder, pushing me into the car at the same time. Then he took a sip from the hip flask he had in his pocket and threw my bicycle and a bag onto the truck bed.

…

The ride was relatively quiet, but not exactly because Sasha would be a quiet person (which he definitely wasn’t) but because it was so damn long. He asked me a few questions about myself which I hesitantly answered but he sort of noticed that I wasn’t very interested in sharing a lot, so he didn’t pry too many details about me. It was kinda relieving. I then asked some general questions regarding the work, like what exactly will I be helping with and how long the shifts are. Not that it would change anything at that point. I just wanted to know what I was getting into.

It turned out that I would be working every single day with no days off until the end of summer holidays. After that, I could help out on weekends if I wanted to stay. At least until the winter and if I still wanted to continue after that, then I could work full time again throughout the winter season and so on. Regarding the shifts: they would be from approximately 10AM until 6PM or 8PM, depending on the guests. The pay sounded average from what I could tell but it was my first job after all. I didn’t expect to be paid as much as my father was at his position.

I admit that I was kinda shocked about not having a single day off for 2 months but I didn’t say anything about it. I needed a job and a place to stay.

After everything was answered, we still had about an hour of ride ahead of us which we spent pretty much in silence. As I expected, we really did stop in the middle of nowhere but to my relief, there really was an actual hotel waiting for us and not just a shallow grave for me. It was a large, old building made mostly of wood and a few stone walls. Other than that though, there were no signs of human civilization for miles.

Once inside, Sasha led me up the stairs to the second floor where the guest rooms were and he gave me a key from the door with a number “1” written on it. I opened and saw what could have been a storage room in the past, turned into a tiny apartment; likely reserved for people working at my position. It was approximately 3x2 metres large but it had a freshly made bed, a TV, a cabinet and a sink too.

“The water is a bit rusty here in this room, not good for drinking.” Mentioned Sasha when I glanced that way. “Drink from the tap next to toilets, that one’s clean. Your sink is good for pissing though, so do what you will with that.” He laughed again and slapped his belly. “There’s some working clothes on the bed. We will open in half an hour but maybe come down sooner so that Mary can show you the ropes.”

With that, he was gone and I was alone in my new room, unsure how to feel. I was still depressed but this was the first good thing that happened to me since I left home. I had my own room again, with a real bed and I was going to have real food here too.

I’ll be working in a kitchen after all. There will be plenty. I thought to myself.

So, I changed into the old, yet clean, and freshly smelling working shirt and shorts and I went. I had no idea that the nice smell of my attire would last less than a day at my workplace, being in the same room with 5 deep fryers and 8 stoves, but it was uplifting for me at the moment.

In the kitchen, I met Mary, a woman roughly in her 50’s, about as old as Sasha. The first thing I noticed about her was the piercing frown she gave me. Honestly, when I saw her, I thought that she’d start yelling at me but then she introduced herself in a completely different tone from what I expected and I realised that it was just her neutral expression. On the contrary from what it looked like at first, she was actually quite happy about me being there because I was supposed to help with work that she'd otherwise have to be doing alongside her own work,- which was operating the deep fryers and chopping vegetables while Sasha did the cooking.

I was supposed to be pre-washing dishes, then shoving them into an ancient dishwasher for degreasing, washing all the pans, pots and kitchen tools. It wasn’t everything though because Mary and I would also have to, depending on who currently had more time, heat up already prepared pancakes, decorate them, and also make ice cream sundaes. Yeah, it was a lotta work, especially for someone that never worked a real job before. Luckily, not too many customers came the first day so I had enough time to adjust and get used to things.

As it usually was, the first day felt really long and I found myself putting all my brain and energy into learning all the new stuff. It was so much that I actually stopped thinking about the things I had gone through before finding myself in front of the dishwasher which I started calling ‘Grandma D’. There was only work on my mind and nothing else.

For a sweet little moment when the shift ended and we were done for the day, I felt as if I just earned a right to be happy. However, when I returned to my empty room and sat on my empty bed, it all started coming back again. The loneliness of my soul hit me like a stone that I had been lifting up a whole day, only to let it fall onto my face at the end of it. It wasn’t that easy to move on and I guessed it wouldn’t be fair if it was. If it was easy, how could what I had lost even be real? I thought. It didn’t get me anywhere though, besides leading me only into darker places of my mind.

I felt tired but not tired enough to sleep. I somehow felt hungry even though I had a full belly. Unsure about what to do, I just stared out of the window, watching the sun slowly set, sulking and sinking down with it.

After it got dark, I decided to finally have a shower after all those days, which actually made me feel a bit better before going to sleep. I hugged my blanket, imagining myself at a better time and place.

…

The next day, I rushed to work as soon as I got up, looking for any kind of distraction. I helped Sasha with some preparations, such as chopping vegetables or cleaning some old equipment. He didn’t really need me to do that stuff but it definitely made me shine in his eyes. I guess it was better that he didn't know the reason why I was so eager to work. Then the shift started and it went just like the day before, except more people began stopping to eat because the summer holiday had officially begun.

…

The next day was the same, except even more people came. Soon I was swimming in work, not knowing what to do first. Then again, so was Sasha and his wife so it didn’t feel unfair. It was only the three of us for the whole kitchen. There was also their daughter, Svetlana, who worked the bar and served the dishes but she had enough of her own work as well.

In the everyday routine, days eventually began blending in. And in a way, I realised that what Sasha said to me the first day, that I’ll soon have a new family, wasn’t actually that far-fetched. I thought it was one of those cheesy lines people say when they are trying to hire you but in this case, it made sense. I was basically stranded in a forest with only 3 other people and they soon took me as one of their own.

Even though I was mostly quiet and visibly on a different wavelength than them, we got along just fine from the start. Apparently I was the first honest, hard working man to come there in a long time. They were used to taking in people who had nowhere to go: Criminals, delinquents, ex-junkies, divorced men etc. They basically expected a heavily flawed person, so it came as a surprise that I was not all that problematic.

I have to say, the routine and a friendly collective helped me to cope with my loss but I still couldn’t just forget and move on completely. Something deep inside me remembered the times when I was truly happy and when I wasn't just trying to numb down the pain with work. Times when I felt whole, more complete.

Of course, there were some bright moments when I felt genuine happiness, even moments when I was sincerely proud about myself as an individual: When I made it through a difficult shift, when I learned to cook a new food in my spare time, and occasionally, when I reminded myself that I made it that far instead of becoming a hobo.

Each time though, I wished I had someone to share these feelings with. Someone to truly be there with me emotionally, someone I could feel comfortable with in complete silence, someone who I could tell all my deepest secrets without fear, someone who loves me, even if I wasn’t excelling at the things I did. This deep longing would randomly surface in my mind in a form of bitterness that was difficult to overcome.

…I should probably mention that Sasha was fond of vodka, if it wasn’t obvious, and since I was (hard to believe) officially an adult, he would sometimes invite me to his table for shots. I’d usually refuse but when I had one of those times when I felt lonely on a spiritual level, I’d accept and we’d get shitfaced together after the shift. Those were the only times that I talked a bit more deeply with my “new family” because as much as we appreciated each other, we didn’t have that many common interests besides work. While drunk though, it is a lot easier to speak about a wider range of things that you wouldn’t normally care about. Mary and Svetlana would often join too and we would drink and chat till late hours.

That was when I learned pieces of their stories as well, while sharing fractions of mine. For instance: The reason why Sasha moved out from the motherland was because he fell in love with Mary who was studying there as a young girl. Back in the communist era.

After a night spent drinking in their company, I’d usually feel a bit better. Like I’ve driven the gnawing feeling back, deeper under my skin, back into my bones from where it would surely one day crawl back out.

One particular night, such as one of those that I mentioned, Sasha and Mary already went to their own rooms and I stayed there with Svetlana for one last beer because the shots were Sasha’s speciality and I have to admit, I only drank those because I didn't want to let him down. I could never even stomach the raw vodka without mixing it in my mouth with something very sweet first. That is not important though. Important is, that this particular night Svetalana tried to make a first move on me.

The girl wasn’t ugly, but she wasn’t outstandingly pretty either. Just an average looking lass that spent most of her days in a single house, doing a monotonous job and watching those unending TV shows in her spare time. Looking back, it kind of made sense that when just a few years younger and a seemingly decent guy appears in her small circle, she would be into him.

We finished the ‘last’ beer together and after that I was planning to head back to my room. However, I was convinced to stay for one more. I knew she had a bigger tolerance than me, since she was working at the bar, but still I thought that she just didn’t want to drink alone. I agreed to stay for a small beer while she’d got herself a full one. However, when she sat closer to me than usual after pouring us new glasses, I began suspecting that it might have been about something more than beer that night. When she actually laid her hand on my thigh and glanced at me with a desiring smile, it was as clear as day.

Having my mind clouded by the alcohol, I naturally began thinking with my penis that stood itself at the very thought of being touched by something else, other than my hand. I put my hand on her thigh as well, gently feeling it, when suddenly a picture of Suzzane’s face blinked in front of my inner sight.

The upcoming two seconds, I went through an intense conflict in my head about whether or not I should give in to what was about to come. Even though I was drunk and horny at that time, I wasn’t that drunk and that horny to completely forget everything that led me where I was. However, my will wasn’t as strong as when I was sober and maybe it would even lose, if it wasn’t for one sentence that I recalled:

“It's time you learned about the real world. Maybe you’ll finally come to your senses too.”

It was what my father said to justify kicking me out in such a manner. The very thought that I’d be doing exactly what he wanted me to do, that he would actually be right to do what he did to me, it filled me with repulsion towards what I was about to do. Not towards Svetlana of course, she was a good friend to me but I knew that some people should simply stay friends. It just wouldn’t work because her biggest ambition was to run the place herself one day while my ambition was to see the world out there one day. A complete opposite.

My guess is that if I didn’t pull away before things got serious, I might have ended up in a relationship that would not work. Then I would have to decide whether I wanted to continue in a life that wasn’t meant for me or disappoint both Svetlana and her parents and leave her at some point.

Thankfully though, as I mentioned earlier, I did stop it before any of that had a chance to manifest.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, looking confused about my sudden action. “Did I do something?”

“No you didn’t, sorry, but it’s me…” I cringed slightly over how cliché it sounded.

“Oh my… So you really are gay? That’s why your parents kicked you out? Oh, I’m so sorry about this.”

“What? No, I'm not gay for Christ’s sake! Is that what you were really thinking about me?”

“Well.” The girl blushed a bit. “Since you never wanted to talk about it, we made a few assumptions ourselves and this was one of them…”

“Well, it’s not the correct one.” I frowned, just a little bit offended. “Though, I did get ‘exiled’ from home because of a romantic interest.”

“Incest?” Svetlana gasped, covering her blushing face with her palms.

“Gods, not that either! Why would you even think that?” I jumped in my seat in shock, then settled back down, glancing into my glass as I was about to admit the truth: “...The thing is that uh,.. she’s just… She’s not entirely human.”

“Bestiality??” The barmaid widened her eyes. “That’s new.”

“She isn’t an animal either! I dunno, it’s just too complicated. And I’m a total retard for even speaking out about it.”

“Well you can’t stop now that you’ve started.” The girl next to me had a big gulp of her beer, as if trying to extinguish her previous lust, replaced by growing curiosity. “What is she then? An alien or something?”

“I dunno what exactly she is, that’s the thing. Ever heard of those colourful ponies they introduced as “Pets of the Future™” last winter? Well, ours was so smart that she learned to speak and even play videogames with me. And uh, we sort of fell in love too. Like, deeply.”

“No shit? Really? A speaking horse is why you’re getting so depressed from time to time?”

“Well, yeah. I know it sounds fucking weird when you put it like that. That’s why they kicked me out in the first place. Now you know and ya’ll can kick me out as well.”

“Come on, don’t be an idiot man. We had murderers working here and even one ex-pedophile; Although we always wondered if you can ever stop being one. - My point is that as weird as it is, we’ve probably seen worse.”

“Huh, really? Well I do appreciate that. Never thought someone would be so cool about learning this stuff so I guess what I’m trying to say is: Thanks...”

“You’re welcome I guess.” She grinned. “Man but it IS kinda shame. I really thought for a while that a future husband might have finally entered the territory.”

“Yeah, sorry about that.” I scratched my head, this time it was me blushing. I don’t know what I’d give just a year ago, for a real girl to actually like me enough to consider me a possible husband. A past me would consider it absurd as fuck to turn her down. “The thing is, as much as I’m grateful for you people taking me in here, I probably couldn’t stay forever.”

“Heh, so you’re saying that if you were into human girls, you’d probably flinch away from me as well eh. Cold.” She smirked.

“Hey, don’t put it that way. I think you’re a great friend but I just couldn’t settle at one place for the rest of my life. And I do like human girls too but I just happened to pick one that isn’t exactly human. Jeez, I’m only making this worse am I?”

“Relax… You do realise we’re having shots after this beer though, right?”

“What? No way!... Okay then.”

***

I wished that my parents could also be so relaxed about it. Maybe it would go better if that dog lady didn’t spread the news to every single soul she knew. Still though, it felt strangely liberating to be able to tell my secret to someone without it causing a scene.

I’m not sure if Svetlana ever told others about what happened that night but the fact is that nothing had changed between any of them and me after that. I was quite relieved about it too because I still had almost a month of work ahead of me before the summer holidays would end. However, in my head, thanks to that, I soon came to a conclusion of what I wanted to do next. My plan was to take all the money that I will have by that time and try to buy Suzanne from my parents. Then, I could stay at the hotel for a while, just like Sasha promised me the first day. After a few seasons, I might have enough money to start my own life with Suzzane somewhere. Or maybe I could start travelling, just like I always wanted to.

The plan felt perfect in my head, finally something solid to hold onto and to look forward to. Of course, it wasn’t granted that my parents would actually sell Suzzane to me but I was prepared to steal her in the absolute worst case. Knowing that I’d have a place to hide with her gave me confidence which I couldn’t even dream of back then when I left my home.

***

Once I had a plan, a direction and purpose, those two months seemed to end just as quickly as they started and when we were done for the season, I asked Sasha to drive me back where he picked me up. I didn’t have any dialogue prepared in my head but I had a relatively fat amount of money in my pocket and I wasn’t afraid to use it. After all, I was getting paid for every single day and since the accommodation and food was free, I didn’t have to spend a single coin the whole time.

At the bus station where Sasha dropped me off, I sat inside a bus heading to the house of my parents and I stared out of the window while the big man continued towards the city centre. I told him I needed to pick up someone close to me and that if it was okay with him, she would live in my small room with me. I was prepared to work the weekends for free if it meant I’d get to provide for Suzzane but he said it was okay. “One room is still one room. I don’t care.” He said. “As long as you promise to stay for the winter!”

I was going to stay for the winter of course.

We agreed that he would go shopping around the city, as he planned to visit there someday anyway and I would later call him to pick me up somewhere once he’s done.

As I felt that the moment I was waiting for would actually be coming to reality that day, my head started to flood with all the possible scenarios of how it might play out. I was confident at first but as I was getting closer, I began having certain doubts. My worst fear was suddenly that Suzzane could have moved on while I was still madly in love with her. That would be really awkward and probably even more heartbreaking than leaving her the first time. Then again, if that was true, so would all the moments we shared together have to be one sided and I didn’t believe it possibly could be. “She chose me back then. Me! It was her choice.” I kept recalling what I realised back then. It felt like such a long time ago…

However, I didn’t get to find out that day how Suzzane felt about me because of a peculiar event that happened next. You see, a certain Steve, who was responsible for keeping the traffic lights working as they should, had too much maryjane the other day and didn’t arrive that specific morning. Maybe if he would, he would notice the malfunctioning light and fix it. However, he wasn’t there that day and as a result of it, the bus I was in got T-boned by a big fucking SUV, right in the middle, where I was sitting.

Okay okay, I have no idea why it actually happened, could be that the driver of the SUV was on coke or just plain stupid but the fact remains that I got ‘tickled’ by the front of the car just right to send me unconscious with a few broken bones, straight to a hospital.

All I can remember from that moment was seeing the car and thinking: Hey that almost looks like he’s going to ram us. Surely he wouldn’t tho- WHAT THE.

I actually got up between the “what” and “the”, trying to get to the other side of the bus. However, before I could think “fuck” or make more than half a step, there was a loud crash. And then, only darkness.

Author's Note

A big thanks goes to Golly4Ever for going over this chapter and pointing out the mistakes I made before publishing it.
If you, like me, found the ending of MLP show strangely grim for a certain small villain, check out his stories. He's writing a redeeming arc for Cozy Glow and the quality is outstanding.