The Universe Hates You Specifically

Cutting through the stench of cheap food and cheaper talk, the pony sitting across from Bea was near drenched in a sickly sweet cologne- he probably thought it made him smell refined, but in reality it was just as oily as he was. She had been trying to work on containing her distaste for the whole affair, but at this point her frustration was bubbling over into fury.

“What do you mean,” the blue mare hissed between gritted teeth, “you don’t have it?”

Sal paused, a mug of shitty beer halfway to his lips. Lethargically chewing on a toothpick, he set his drink down slowly, and flashed her a grin. “Sorry it had to happen, Sparky- but an offer came in from Canterlot that blew yours out of the water.” He took a swig before chuckling, “They even offered a little something extra, supposing we helped them get their hooves on a certain somepony-”

The two stallions in the neighbouring booth that had obviously been waiting for this signal, stood abruptly, quietly echoing his laughter. He looked her dead in the eye. “Somepony with a tendency to poke her nose where it doesn’t belong.” He cleared his throat holding up a hoof to halt his goons. “Buuu-ut, I could be convinced to let this particular individual go- if she were able to cough up enough cash to meet the rather generous offer”

Bea slid out into the aisle and stood, smoothing down her cloak and straightening her saddlebags. Most of the bar patrons who hadn’t already left started to make their way outside, not wanting to stick around for the conflict that was obviously brewing. Calm and serene, she spoke without looking at anyone in particular. “Do you still have the money I paid you?”

Cousin Sal’s bemused smirk quickly shifted into a guffaw, and he clutched at his chest- “Course I do! It ain’t like it’s gonna walk off, ya dumb broad!” he laughed, his goons struggling to keep themselves from joining in.

“Good.”

Sal wiped a tear from his eye- “Damn right that’s ‘good’! It’s borderin’ on fucking excellent if you ask me.” Expression suddenly hardening, he narrowed his eyes at her, “So if I’m hearing this right; I’m not getting any more money from ya?” She nodded curtly in response, and he whistled through his teeth.

“Tis a real shame y’know… you’ve been a great client, and an even better asset on the hoofful of jobs you’ve done for me.” Nodding at one of the thugs surrounding her, he continued. “Hell, just looking around the room, I’m pretty sure Fudge has a bit of a crush on you- big sook that he is; pos-i-tive-ly enamoured.” Bea glanced over her shoulder at ‘Fudge’. He did not live up to his namesake. The stallion in question lifted his gaze from her hindquarters, and winked at her. Gross.

“Aaaaaanywho… I’m sure the guard’ll be here soon, but I reckon we’ve got enough time to say our farewells properly.” He made eye contact with the other two stallions, gesturing for them to move forward.

Turning on him, Beatrix spoke with such raw malice that Sal shrunk back for a moment. “When I’m done with these pathetic losers, we’ll be going to get my money, and what you owe me.” Before he could retort, she bucked backwards with all her force, catching Fudge with two hooves to the face and sending him to the floor in a heap. The other grunt lumbered forward as Bea skipped towards him. She ducked under his first strike and grabbed his hoof as it went by, bringing his foreleg up and locking it in place before throwing him into Fudge as he struggled to stand. Walking past Sal slowly, she made her way over to the two stallions struggling on the ground, and grabbed a hoof-full of their manes, pulling their heads up to eye level.

“Fudge, other moron- I want you to meet my good friend, the floor.” And with that she dropped them, letting gravity introduce the two parties to each other. Fudge moaned about his muzzle, which was almost certainly broken by now. Bea looked sternly at them for a moment, almost daring them to get back up, before turning to Sal with a harrumph. “Well, now that they’re acquainted, let’s go get what you owe m-” Just as she was about to finish her sentence the door flew off its hinges, finding a new home atop two mewling thugs.

“Ah sonuva- Sterling, I broke the damn door!”

Stepping inside, a boring looking pegasus who Bea could only assume was Sterling sighed. “I can see that.” Taking stock of the scene before him; two mostly unconscious scumbags, the particularly greasy asshole that employed them, and the wanted criminal that was currently dragging said asshole about by the ear.

Sterling sighed again, “Sal, you never cease to disappoint. I mean, this is just sad.” He strode forward, unintentionally walking over the door and being rewarded with a shout of pain, some nasty crunches and a horribly visceral squelching noise for his effort. Grimacing, he apologised under his breath before going on. “When you contacted us, we told you to keep the suspect here at your bar until we arrived. I will admit you managed that much, but only barely.” He turned to his target. “Witch. Have anything to say for yourself before we take you in?”

“Yeah.” she stifled a snort over the sound of something rolling across the floor. “Wait- shit. Actually no, I don't. Damn, one-liners are hard.”

Sterling looked at her quizzically for a moment until something spherical bumped into his hoof. He took a cautious glance downwards to find a strange glass orb with something pale swirling about inside it. The orb cracked a little, and all he could do was look up at the mare he’d been tasked to arrest, as an explosion of pink smoke flooded the room. There were sounds of galloping hooves and a loud thud- then nothing but the slow exhale of the gas slowly settling as it dispersed.

~~~

Sterling walked outside, slowly, his eyes stung and the inside of his mouth and nose were dry and itchy. He shook off the cobwebs and whistled. Moments later, heavy wingbeats accompanied by a thump signalled his partner’s arrival. “And where, exactly, were you?”

Edgar looked around sheepishly and scratched at his neck with a talon. “Uhh.. sorry? After the door, I figured I should probably hang back.”

Sterling furrowed his brow, and pinched the bridge of his muzzle.

“You’re a fucking liability, you know that?” Breathing deeply, he flapped his wings and took to the air. “Whatever. Come on then. Let’s go Witch hunting.”