A Herd for a Nerd

In a thousand years, the Grand Galloping Gala had never been grander. Bright lights, fine music, and glittering jewels announced the wealth of Equestria under the newly restored Diarchy. As they lined up to enter the grounds of Canterlot Palace, wealthy and noble ponies waited excitedly for their turn to participate in the year’s most coveted ritual: the Royal Kiss.

Only the cream of Equestrian society were allowed to press their lips upon Solaris’ stupendous erection, and only on this one magical night. Mares and stallions alike swore by its powers, claiming that a single taste of alicorn cock granted them stamina, fertility, and enhanced pleasure throughout the year. Many considered the Royal Kiss the highlight of the Gala.

Yet this year there was much consternation in the ranks of the nobility. As they knelt beneath Solaris’ proud barrel to enjoy their yearly privileges, they found the royal dong quite inaccessible to their lips. It seemed Solaris’ member was uncomfortably strapped in place, kept sheathed and unusable by a cock cage. It was a sight never before seen in Equestrian history! To make matters worse, Solaris wore not a solid gold cage suitable to his station, but the very same plain steel contraption he compelled commoners to wear during their royal audiences!

“I declare, what is this nonsense?” demanded the haughty Princess Bluebell, pointing at the obscene sight with quivering hoof. “Doff that silly cage, Your Highness, so that I may do you proper honour!”

“But— but—” Solaris stammered awkwardly, then sighed with relief as his suave assistant Raven Inkwell stepped between him and the ranting royal. Raven would surely handle this encounter: he was as talented when dealing with difficult nobles as when fluffing Solaris to yet another erection.

“The prince asks for your understanding,” Raven soothed. “The royal ‘sceptre’ must remain undisturbed tonight, as Prince Solaris uses its might to cast a spell of great power.” The sophisticated unicorn smiled and gestured beneath Solaris’ undercarriage, calling attention to the twitching nuts that loomed behind the painfully constrained member. “Worry not, Princess — tonight, for the first time in centuries, visitors to the palace are permitted to kiss Solaris’ sacred sack instead.”

“The balls? How disgusting! That’s where the pee is stored — everypony knows that!” Yet even Bluebell had to bow to the glares of the crowd that surrounded her. Even as she bitched, she reluctantly knelt between Solaris’ legs and planted a peremptory kiss of submission on each throbbing testicle, all as the prince’s metal cock cage slapped against her cheek.

“Aah...” Solaris sighed with exaggerated pleasure. “You do me honour indeed, Princess. Perchance I will grant you this privilege again. Return to the palace tomorrow, and you can kiss my balls all you like... as I ruin your latest trophy husband.”

“I-I fear I have another appointment tomorrow, Your Highness!” Bluebell fled to her waiting coterie, a tear of disgust in her eyes.

Raven sighed at the ridiculous royal rivalry and cleared his throat. “Now announcing His Grace, the Duke of Neighchester...” he droned. One by one, wealthy and noble ponies knelt between Solaris’ legs, kissed his balls, and trotted off to the Gala, grumbling at the disruption of their yearly ritual.

“The one night he should be showing it off, and he hides it!”

“The symbol of Equestria’s might, locked behind a cage?”

“No doubt this is the human’s doing...”

“I knew he would be trouble. I heard that behind closed doors, he and Solaris have been kissing!”

Despite the glitz and glamour that filled the palace on this night of celebration, the neighsayers could not help but note that the Gala’s traditional centrepiece was also absent. For centuries, this had always been a life sized ice sculpture in the shape of Solaris’ conquering cock, placed amidst the grand buffet for all to see. To the unaided eye, the obscene decoration had simply vanished without explanation, banished by Solaris just as he hid his true, fleshy erection. Yet as they knelt to kiss their Prince, a few unicorns of unsurpassing magical power dimly sensed the truth. Something cold, hard, and large stabbed deep into Solaris’ guts, reaching nearly to his heart.

No doubt it was one last fragment of Nightmare Moon’s dark magic, painfully taken on to complete the reform of the returned Artemis. Yes, that was certainly why Solaris was casting his powerful spell: to purge the final remnants of the evil that had recently threatened Equestria, rejoining the royal brothers in harmony and friendship after a thousand years of strife.

Or maybe, just maybe...

Maybe a certain naughty human had lubed up Solaris’ butt hole mere moments before the Gala opened, and stuffed the massive ice sculpture directly up his coltfriend’s ass! Letting the startled alicorn’s flowing tail drop and cover the freezing base just as his first guests arrived!

“Oh, my...” Solaris muttered, grinding his teeth tightly at the odd, strangely arousing sensations. “Oh, dear...” It took the merest effort of magic to keep the ice-dildo from liquefying in the steaming swamp of his royal bowels, but among chattering crowds the very presence of a phallic icicle the size of Henry’s burly arm was utterly distracting. Of course there was no chance of injury (the howling blizzard of the frozen north nor even the chill of space could not harm an alicorn) but the discomfort was nigh unbearable. Especially as the constant clenching of Solaris’ ponut around the icy girth was stimulating him to no end, forcing his cock to strain against its mighty cage! Not since his younger days, when he’d frolicked with Eris and her collection of bizarre straps, had he felt anything like this!

And here came the human himself! Raven quickly shooed away the Duchess of Hoofmouth, who seemed determined to honour her title by fitting Solaris’ entire ball sack into her gaping maw. The harried unicorn signalled for the royal orchestra to play the national anthem of Henry’s home country (as recomposed from Henry’s rather offkey attempt to hum it on a kazoo.) “Presenting Henry the human, ambassador from Earth and royal cons—erm, royal consultant.”

“Ah, my Prince. How are you tonight?” Henry stooped beneath Solaris’ barrel and lovingly tongued one massive, swollen horse nut, then the other. “Enjoying the Gala, I hope?”

A crystal tear rolled down Solaris’ cheek, as at long last he had the chance to beg his lover’s mercy. “Please, Henry, I’m sorry that I gave you to the Wonderbolts without checking your schedule. It was inconsiderate, I was a bad partner, and I deserve a punishment. But—”

“You made me miss my soaps, Solaris!” Henry growled. “Sweet Harmony was about to confront the evil Doctor Nefarrier, and I couldn’t watch because I had Spitfire’s balls in my face!”

“But this punishment, tonight, of all nights... please, think of my royal duties! Think of Equestria!”

Henry reached up and patted Solaris on the barrel, giving rise to shocked gasps from the crowd surrounding them. “Don’t be a wimp, sweetie,” he whispered. “It’s barely a punishment at all. All you need to do is melt the ice, and the key will slip right out.”

“B-but Henry, everypony will see! The water gushing out of my... plot-hole... oh, the humiliation!”

Henry chuckled. “Come on, babe, these dumb aristocrats will believe anything you say. Just tell them that a massive waterfall from your fundament is a side effect of your ‘powerful spell,’” he suggested. “And think of the heavenly reward that awaits you the moment you unlock yourself.”

Solaris whimpered and his mighty cock bucked in its sheath as he recalled Henry’s promise, lovingly made as he firmly locked the royal stallionhood into place. “C-can’t the ‘reward’ wait for tomorrow?” he begged.

Henry shook his head firmly. “I would never betray a promise I made to my Prince. I pledged I would pleasure you as soon as you unlocked the cage, and I swear I will swallow you to the root, Solaris... no matter who’s watching.”

“Oh, goodness... Henry, my dearest, you’re just too much for a stodgy old stallion like me...” Unable to announce his taboo love for this creature from another universe, unwilling to disparage his noble lineage by getting blown by a human in public, all Solaris could do was smile, greet his guests, and bear up under his icy suppository like a good little colt! The kinky Prince had been utterly tamed, hoisted by his own cockring!

Raven loudly coughed, feeling the need to keep the line moving and opining that Henry had dallied beneath his lover’s barrel for too long. “Presenting Mr. Dusk Shine,” he announced, “and his husbands: the Elements of Harmony.”

Solaris was greatly relieved at finally seeing an end to the acute embarrassment. “I’m s-sorry, Henry, but duty balls — I mean, calls!”

“Of course, my Prince.” With a final kiss to his lover’s painfully bulging testicles, Henry climbed up from beneath Solaris’ barrel and let his Ponyville friends have their turn. He admired Elusive’s colourful ballgowns on display as the six heroic stallions knelt in turn and submissively laved the alicorn’s throbbing nutsack with their tongues.

“I’m so happy to see you again, Prince Solaris,” Dusk Shine murmured as he payed his oral respects.

“Heheheh! They taste like bubble gum!”

“Always at your service, my dearest Prince.”

“Same here, Yer Highness, ya kin count on me.”

“T-this isn’t gay, right?”

“Oh, my, you should have these looked at... or at least emptied...”

Such attentions from six hot young stallions should have been an unmeasurable thrill for a thousand year old perv like Solaris, but with his cock caged it was nothing but more humiliation and frustration. All of it courtesy of the smiling human who owned the Prince’s lovestruck heart... and, seemingly other parts of him as well! As the Elements of Harmony came up for air from the musky underside of Solaris’ barrel, Henry slapped their withers playfully and congratulated them on their brand new friendship herd.

“How’s married life, guys?” Henry hadn’t seen the six of them since their wedding, and now that they’d had some time to settle down, he wanted all the dirty gossip.

“Utter bliss, darling,” Elusive said, coyly covering his smiling lips with a hoof.

“It’s not as lame as I thought,” Rainbow Blitz admitted. “Kind of cool, almost. Don’t tell anypony, but I think I like kissing Dusk.”

Dusk Shine hugged his husbands close. “My plothole won’t close anymore, but other than that, everything’s going great!” He looked up at the fidgeting alicorn. “And how are things with you and Henry, your Highness?”

“W-well, you may yet hear wedding bells for your old Prince!” Solaris stuttered, trying to sound cheerful even as his own plothole strained to close around what felt like a full sized iceberg. “Henry is certainly keeping me on a tight leash these days... the old ball and chain, eh, boys?”

Henry gave a sly wink to the horny, adventurous stallions that stood before the unacknowledged (yet widely suspected) royal couple. “Speaking of leashes, you guys brought the special ‘wedding presents’ I sent you, right?”

The six Element bearers nodded enthusiastically, and saddlebags were opened to grant Henry and Solaris a peek at the toys inside: wing sheaths, a magic suppression ring, a set of hoofcuffs with a spreader bar, a blindfold, a bridle and bit, and a riding crop... each of them alicorn sized!

“It’s all for you, my one and only shmoopy do,” Henry whispered in Solaris’ twitching ear. “Tonight after everypony has left, your precious Elements and I will be showing you what it really means to rule Equestria.”

Prince Solaris gulped with apprehension, yet a part of him couldn’t wait! For the kinky alicorn it seemed that this would, indeed, be a Gala to remember...