Man in a Pony’s World

I walked into the greenhouse that was just completed, with Chrysalis. I could see several sections for the few changelings who wanted to try gardening. Even Chrysalis had a section where she was growing daisies by the looks of things. I had my own section with stuff already planted, such as corn, apples, and whatnot. Each section was labeled and every pot had a label for what was being grown. And pots were generous, there were straight up fields in this thing. It was only a measly three or four times larger than my own house, which was already reasonably sized. I stared around before turning to Chrysalis. “So, I take it that you- oof!” Chrysalis squeaked when I wrapped my arms around her neck and hugged her as tightly as I could.

“Thank you, seriously, thank you Chrysalis.” I sighed. “Now I don’t have nearly as much of a reason to go into Ponyville; fuck that place.”

“I take that something cropped up?” I groaned at the pun.

“So you know that mare I was talking about, that I was hoping to have you meet at some point?” Chrysalis nodded. “I’m sure you know the Elements of Harmony, not by name, but you know which element is attached to who, right?” The Queen nodded again. “Yeah, one of them tried to say I was creeping on that mare for… scratching her ears, petting her, or just doing things I do to you. You don’t think I’m taking peeks at you when I'm petting you, or generally being a pervert, right?” Chrysalis shrugged.

“I just assumed that was how humans show affection for the most part.”

“Well, we don’t show affection to other humans with petting. Well, some people get aroused by that, but that’s entirely different. You like petting, I like petting you. You’re my friend, so I pat you on the back, head, pet you, scratch you, and anything else. Hell, I know I’ve given you a massage at some point. And you know, for a fact, that I don’t think of you as a mate or whatever, but rather a ‘mate’... I did explain that term to you before, right?”

“You humans sometimes like to use that as a term for a ‘best friend’ if I recall correctly. And yes, I do understand what you see me as, and I fully understand why you can’t ever see yourself being romantically involved… So you got called a pervert for being friendly with this “Venice Arrow’, and then you got mad?” Chrysalis hummed. “And those Elements were still speaking of you in an unpleasant manner, behind your back?” I nodded. “I fully see why you don’t wish to go into Ponyville that much. Gengar sometimes reports your purchases, it’s just something I asked him to do. Ponies are seriously charging you six bits for a pen?” I nodded. “Something you invented, and made to be as cheap as possible so they could be bought in bulk, is being sold to you for six bits. That is an actual scam, Bob.”

“Don’t I know it. I asked Filthy Rich, my manufacturer about that, and he said he can’t control his distributors, but is looking to open his own that doesn’t discriminate.” We walked around the greenhouse. I would pat a few ‘lings on the head, because most of the bugs in here were the ones who helped build the greenhouse. So I may as well pay them in their dose of their affection, and also some would grab my hand with their mouth and stare at me until I scratch them for more than a few minutes with the other hand. It was… Kinda cute. It was very cute, actually. I love changelings.

“You are still friends with Twilight Sparkle I am assuming?” I nodded.

“I like Twilight, and she actually treats me with respect. Fluttershy, or Kindness, isn’t too bad, and actually pretty nice too. We just don’t interact that much, so I can’t say we’re friends. Pinkie and Apple Jack are… we’re not exactly friends, but I am business partners with them. They still talk shit about me, but at least Apple has enough of a brain to treat me with respect when we talk business. Rarity and Rainbow… Fuck me, those two get on my nerves. Rainbow has the audacity to put one of her legs around my neck like we’re best friends. You can get away with it, Celestia gets away with laying a wing over me while we’re reading, Twilight and Venice can get away with it. Y’all get away with it because I genuinely love you guys and want to hangout with you.” I sighed. “It sucks. I don’t wanna hate somebody, that’s just a shitty way to live, but it’s hard to not hate two people, who have wronged me before.” I sat down on a bench, because yes, this building is so big, that you could legitimately have a small park in here, and have enough space for every single pony in Ponyville to be able to plant one thing for themselves.

Chrysalis took that moment to lay on the bench, partially on my lap, with her head resting on my shoulder. “You genuinely love me?’ She whispered.

“Yeah, Chryssy. You have the ability to sense what I’m feeling; you should know by now just how much I value having you as a friend. Regardless of what you can do for me, what you have done for me… I dunno how to repay you. You’ve… when Luna did what she did, you stuck around me despite how possible it was for Luna to show up again. Ignoring everything else you’ve done for me, that… that really means a lot, Chrysalis. Nobody just willingly sticks their neck out for just anyone; I you’re one of my best friends, and I love you.” I wrapped an arm around her neck. Chrysalis squeaked again. “D’aw, does the big, bad Queen like being loved?” I chuckled as said big, bad bug squeaked again, and nuzzled my cheek. “You cute bastard.” We sat there, just basking in the warmth of the greenhouse. Even if the sprinklers were making us kinda wet.

The next day, I was lazing about on the couch, holding a very sleepy Echo. She ‘escaped the Hive’ to hang out with me. And she chose to do that at three in the morning, so she was incredibly tired. Gengar was laying, with his head on my shoulder, glaring at the smaller changeling. Because, according to him, I am his human, and no other changeling should be allowed to touch me. Sitting across from me was Ms. Cherilee, who was helping herself to a warm cup of tea(the pot was still on the warming spot of the table). “It still surprises me as to what you’ve come up with,” she nudged the table. “Having a warmer for tea built into the table? You’re a brilliant fellow; it’s a shame nopony else wants to see past you for… what you are.”

“Nicely concealed racism.” I chuckled when Cherilee started stuttering through apologies. “It’s cool. You probably never had the chance to get acquainted with me since I’m a boring homebody that never went outside when I lived in Ponyville. And then I moved out here just to get away from ponies, so yeah. I get it,” I yawmed. “I’m surprised you haven’t accused me of being mind controlled by these guys,” I booped Echo on the nose when she lifted her head to let out the most adorable little yawn ever.

“If they were, then they’d be breaching some of the terms of the treaty their Queen signed; I like keeping myself educated on current events. And I don’t mind changelings; they’re just like us ponies, trying to get by in life. Just like how you are. I may have some beliefs that were drilled into my head as a filly, but I can look past those and see the qualities in everypony, or everyhuman. Anyways, I finally had some free time, so I figured I would come and ask you about being a tutor at my school. You clearly did something right if you managed to get Scootaloo to start being a straight A student.”

I chuckled. “That was for one day, and you know it. All I did was explain the work in whatever way I could to make it easier for her. Everyone learns differently, or slower or quicker than everyone else. For instance, Golden’s a brilliant little fellow, but Scootaloo is also brilliant despite her usual performance. She just isn’t learning in the way that’s best for her…” I shrugged. “That being said, yeah, I’m down to be a tutor. I need a more stable income than a bunch of shitty gadgets that might get improved upon by someone else. Plus it’s something to do; I’ve been having a lot of nothing to do with myself. Might as well use that as an opportunity to help somebody else out.” Cherilee clapped her hooves. “That is adorable; stop doing it before my heart burns to a crisp.”

Cherilee then let out a giggle and clapped her hooves. Now my heart is a crispy chicken nugget.

The next day, I woke up nice and early, brushed my teeth, and did everything I needed to do. I looked at myself in the mirror a couple of times. Man, my hair is starting to get a little long and out of control… Hey! I’m growing a mustache! Hell yeah! I always wanted a mustache and a cool beard! I chuckled at that very stupid, childish sentiment of mine, before making sure I wasn’t forgetting anything. With that said, I got on my bike, something Gengar had a hoof in helping me build, before zooming off to Cherilee’s schoolhouse. I took my seat off to the side of where everyone else sits, and waved at Cherilee. “You know, while we have time to kill before my students start showing up, can you scratch behind my ear? Venice said your hands are like magic at solving itches.”

I was more than willing to comply… don’t look at me, Cherilee’s unironically pretty adorable.

After thoroughly turning Cherilee into a pet addict, her students started to funnel into the building, one by one. Filthy Rich nodded to me, and I quickly got up to go chat with him while Cherilee did her attendance. “What’s up my dude?” I offered my hand, and Filthy smirked.

“I’ve been selling a lot of your inventions, and let me tell you, they’re selling like mad. You’ve got anything else?” I nodded.

“You know how my hands are good for getting itches?” Filthy nodded. “I made a stick, with a miniature version of my hands on one end. You can use it to get at itches; it won’t be anywhere near as good as me petting, but they do an awesome job at scratching your back. Stop by my place if you want to test out the prototype of iit.” Filthy’s grin got even wider. “I know, I am a creative genius. Wanna grab a beer at a bar later?”

“Of course I do! You’re welcome to visit me anytime; I know I’m your favorite business partner.”

“You, my friend, is very correct. Though I know you just like the jaw scratches I provide…” I whispered.

“...Okay, that is part of why you’re my favorite business partner,” Filthy nodded to me. “See to it that Diamond Tiara behaves; I’ve heard of how she treats others.” I nodded, and Filthy was off to do whatever the heck he usually does. Love that guy; genuinely one of the few ponies to not immediately judge me for what I am, but judged me for what I brought to the table. Also, the dude always buys drinks when we hangout, so he’s super cool. A proper lad if I do say so myself. I quickly took my seat off to the side, so Cherilee could begin her lecture on multiplication and division. For some reason, she didn’t use the standard method that humans use for it, and instead laid out the division in the same way as you would with any other equation. One number on top of the other.

Of course, most of the students were doing somewhat okay, with picking up on this method. “Ms. Cherilee, may I offer your students an easier way of doing division?” I raised my hand, and Cherilee tilted her head. “The way you’re doing it is needlessly more complicated than what I’m gonna show everyone,” I got out of my chair and made my way to the blackboard. I quickly set up the a division equation and started walking the whole class through the smart way of doing it. Then Diamond Tiara rose her hoof. “Yes Diamond?”

The filly smirked. “How do we know you’ll do this correctly?”

“...Do you want to fail the class later? Because how, no offense Cherilee, but the standard she was teaching you is genuinely harder and more confusing.” After that little hiccup, even Cherilee’s jaw was hanging from how much easier the human method was. I pulled out a calculator and punched in the numbers I put in. “And… boom, answer correct,” I looked back at the class. “Any questions, concerns?” Some kid wearing a beanie, he could not be older than eight, raised his hoof.

“Where’d you learn how to use that?”

“I dunno,” I went back to my little desk, to keep fiddling with a metronome I was trying to build. The rest of the morning portion of class went over smoothly, as they were just math and reading. Midway through, I started educating myself on the history of Equestria through a textbook, more specifically, the part of the textbook we were going to be going over after lunch and recess. A foal would occasionally come over and would ask me for help in the most timid, adorable way possible… Yeah, it turns out that most of the foals were just scared of me, didn’t outright hate me like Diamond Tiara and her little asshat of a friend did. So I had some kid sitting in my lap, while I walked them through the math problems that they were struggling with, and even told them a variety of ways to solve them, and even had the kid test each one. We found a method that worked best for them, and all of a sudden, boom they didn’t get a single question wrong.

After that kid nuzzled my cheek, I ruffled his mane, and sent him back to his seat now that he had the hang of what he was doing. Then Diamond Tiara came up, asked for help in the most entitled way possible, and then proceeded to actively get answers wrong despite any help I gave her. Cherilee walked over and nudged me promptly after that little shit turned her work in. “Did you actively make her fail her assignment?” The teacher asked.

“Diamond Tiara just hates me. She knew what the actual answers were, and despite my own reservations, I genuinely did try helping her, Cherilee. Kid’s just trying to get me fired on my first day.” I shrugged. “Can’t really prove that, but whatever. Am I going to get fired?” Cherilee just shook her head with a grin.

“Every single foal that has gone up to you, got every answer right. And given how Diamond Tiara seems to genuinely hate you, I believe you. So she’s simply going to get an F on this, or she can sit with you during recess, and you can ‘help’ her through this for a B.” So that’s what happened, I was sitting with Diamond Tiara in my lap, and she was staring down at the F on her assignment. She looked like she was genuinely about to cry. We sat there for a few minutes, before I spun her around and lifted her chin up with a finger.

“Are you alright? It’s only a bad grade?” Now I kinda feel bad. Great.

“N-no. What would my parents do if they saw that I failed at something so simple?” Oh. “My Mom would disown me!” Oh boy. “I-I-” She squawked when I started rubbing her jaw.

“I know you know how to do all of this, Diamond, so let’s redo all this assignment, alright? Nobody has to know, and I know that-”

“Why do you care? I’m just a ‘piece of shit’ according to you!” She removed her head from my hand.

“Kiddo, I don’t hate you. I think how you treat others is pretty shitty, but I don’t hate you. I would rather be friends with everyone, rather than enemies.” I shrugged. “And I would rather not have your mother yell at you; I don’t think your dad would mind nearly as much, but your mother sounds like a real bitch. So let’s do what we can to appease her, academically, and you can continue hating me, alright? Because now, I just feel bad about being kinda mean to you, and I feel how you’re feeling. My parents used to straight up cut me with a rusty knife if I brought home ‘below average’ grades.” Diamond’s eyes widened. “Yeah, I know a thing or two about shitty parents.”

“I-I didn’t know that’s what you went through.”

“Meh, it doesn’t matter; that’s all in the past for me.” Diamond Tiara eventually turned back to the clean assignment paper. As I suspected, she knew how to do everything on the assignment, and did it with ease while using Cherilee’s more traditional methods. Every time she got a right answer, I scratched behind her ears, which she ended up taking her tiara off in order to make it easier for me. By the time she was done, she was actually napping, in my arms, with her assignment fully done. The way her head was resting on my shoulder did, in fact, make me grin slightly. As it turns out, this kid’s actually really sweet, but is probably really misguided by her shithead of a mother.

Cherilee walked back into the school building, and saw our little display. She cooed at the scene, before deciding to extend recess for another hour.

The day after that, it was Saturday, so no school. Diamond Tiara popped by, almost immediately ran away at the sight of Gengar and Echo, who were cuddling on the couch together, until she realized what changelings were, and that they weren’t going to eat her. The filly was happily napping in my lap, with a happy little smile on her face, until somebody started pounding on my door as loudly as possible. The filly jumped, and ended up running towards Gengar and Echo for protection, which Echo went full mama-bear-mode and started glaring at the door for any potential threats on the other side of that door. I sighed, knowing that my peaceful Saturday was over, and went to open that stupid, stupid front door.

Rainbow Dash was on the other side. “Hey Bob!” She happily waved at me. “Ready for that rodeo we were talking about?” Wut. I blinked a couple of times and moved to close the door. Only for the asshat to stick her hoof in the door. “Wait! Why aren’t you hearing me out? I’m not the one who called you a creep yesterday!” I sighed, before reaching to remove her hoof from my door frame. “Bob? C’mon! I thought you hated holding grudges-“

“I hate holding them. Doesn’t mean I’ll fucking drop what happened in a little under two days, Rainbow Dash. I gave you another chance. I gave your friends another chance. The only one of you shitheads to actually treat me with respect is Twilight, and you expect me to be fine with hanging out with you fuckers because me and Twilight are buddies? I slowly started winding my hand up like an old car window before I ended up flipping Rainbow off.

“What does that mean?” She asked innocently. “You know what? Just come with me! You said you would join us in the rodeo, so stick to your word!” Rainbow was just smiling at me like a retard with several extra layers of stupid. “C’mon!”

“If I get hurt, I am going to give you an AC that only spews tear gas,” I facepalmed. “Hey Diamond, are you comfortable with-“ I turned around to… Echo happily playing with Diamond Tiara. “Gengar, make sure the house doesn’t burn down, I guess.” I sighed before stepping out and checking my mailbox. It was a letter with Luna’s seal. Of course, because Rainbow was saying nothing of value, I ended up reading it. It was mostly just Luna asking how my day was, along with a small chain necklace with her emblem on it… It was kinda neat.

I pocketed the necklace before I walked right into a crowd of ponies. The ‘buck the human’ contest. I stared at the sign… Ponies around me were making bets on which body part I would end up breaking. It even advertises me, the human, getting lethally injured by Rainbow Dash herself. “Thank you, everypony, for coming out here today!” Rainbow somehow got a hold of a megaphone. “Today we have Bob the Human here helping me with this rodeo competition!” I want to kill myself.

“So, what is going on here?” Where the- you know what, Imma not question how where she came from-Princess Celestia kinda just appeared outta nowhere. She looked around before her eyes fell on the sign, and then fell upon me. “Why are we advertising the harm of an endangered species?” Celestia asked.

“Look Celestia, I…” I smacked Rainbow upside the head. “I'm going home. Rainbow, go back to munching on carpets. Celly, wanna head to my place for some tea?” Rainbow was rubbing the back of her head. “I wanna ask you a question anyways.”

Celestia gave me a warm smile, walked on over to me, and nuzzled into my cheek. “That would be lovely, Bob.” Everyone around us was staring at me with bug-eyes. “Yes everypony, I am quite good friends with Mr. Bob here. If you harm him, you are breaking the law, so refrain from holding these events, please.” With that, we went on over to my house, while Celestia just held me close by.

I fucking hate this town so god damn much.