Man in a Pony’s World

So today started out to be a bit abnormal, for instance, Luna sent me a box of chocolate along with a letter saying she isn’t sure how to truly atone for what she did. Blah, blah, blah, she’s going to make strides to earn my trust and friendship again. It was an effort, and I could never really fault anyone for making an effort for trying to make things up for me. Then again she did… do that to me. Though life would be easier if I didn’t have to spend a majority of it hating somebody; people can change, and if Luna wants to change for the better, I won’t stop her. And if nothing else, it was free chocolate, all of which went to Gengar since I wasn’t a fan of how the first one tasted.

Another thing, my house became a changeling construction sight, since it’s been roughly two weeks since the Royal Wedding. And now, since Chrysalis didn’t need the bughorse-power to invade a country and overthrow its rulers, she could send them to start working on my greenhouse. The lings would take turns working, taking breaks, and hanging out inside my house. Was I complaining? No, not really. They were building my home out in the summer heat, and they were pitch black, and very sun absorbent. So of course I let them come in, get a glass of ice, cold water, and I’d rub a changeling’s belly on occasion.

The problem is, now Chrysalis is here. And she was sitting across from me, in the living room, staring at me. “Don’t you dare, Bob. You will pay if you do that again,” she snarled. Of course, me being the idiot that I am, paid no heed to this warning. So I booped the Queen on the nose, but before she could snap at my finger, I slipped my hand under her chin and started scratching at it. “You know what? I fully retract that statement, you may commence with what you were doing,” she purred, and even hopped into my lap just to make it easier to scratch the back of her neck. “I knew this was why I listened to you during the Royal Wedding; if I angered you, you probably would not do this.”

“And also because I would've thrown these hands in your face because you’d get everybody in your Hive killed, yourself included. I love you, Chrysalis, so I gave you some tough love, and made you try to negotiate rather than have you genocide ponies. As much as I don’t like ponies; they all hate me, I am also a fan of not having an entire race get wiped out, enslaved, whatever the hell you were doing.” Chrysalis laid her head on my neck. “You’re enjoying this way too much.”

“It’s your fault for having paws that are absolutely wonderful for getting at spots that my fangs cannot reach, like the back of my neck.” Chrysalis sighed. “How has Gengar been? I have not seen him around recently.”

“Hey Bob!” Gengar poked his head from upstairs. “I made a painting,” his horn lit up, and said painting floated down beside his cute, little face. “What do you think?” The painting itself was… that of a changeling, holding up a heart on an opera stage. It was… strangely very detailed, and the colors were immaculate. It was… really nice actually. “Once it dries, can I hang it up in the living room?” I gave the thumbs up. “Thank you! And also, hi Queen Chrysalis! Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me to Bob! This is the best thing you’ve ever done for me!” Gengar skedaddled back upstairs, likely to let his painting dry while he worked on the next one.

“I’ve been giving him a lot more freedom. If I don’t need him, he can do whatever he wants, hobbies included. It makes him happy, and his smile’s adorable, so I let him do whatever in his free time. Which is pretty much all the time; when he helps me out, he’s doing it on his own volition. All he really does is housesit, and maybe a few chores I forgot to do, or was too lazy to do at any particular moment. And… Please don’t punish him for that; I like Gengar.”

“...Why would I do that? I gave him to you, and while he is still my subject, he is yours to command. If you wish to give him some space, then that’s what you’re doing with him. I… did not know Gengar liked to paint.”

“Then again, can you track all of your subjects and remember all their personal interests?”

“No, I suppose not. It does make me feel a little bad, but such is life.” She leaned back. “And I suppose that this is a life where I happily lay in the lap of an alien and get petted like a common house pet.” Chrysalis rested her head on my arm, while also holding said arm close with her forelegs. “And I am not complaining at all.” She let out a long, slow breath, like she was getting ready to take a nap. So I was prepared to remain still for a few hours. Of course, because our lives are terrible, the door slammed open, and Twilight and her friends rushed in.

“Bob, are you alright? Rainbow… say your house…What the buck is going on here?” Twilight’s magic fizzled out as she watched me, since my chair was basically in full view of the door, with a Queen laying in my lap like a dog. One of her hind legs was hanging off one of the armrests, a foreleg was hanging to the side, her head laying on one of my arms, and her tail was curled over the side of her belly. Oh, and she had her side pressed into the side of my stomach. One of Chryssy’s eyes opened slightly, so she pulled out a pair of earplugs from… somewhere, and promptly inserted them into… her ear holes-where the fuck else would they go?-before closing that one eye and nuzzling my cheek before falling asleep again.

It was kinda cute, so I scratched the back of Chryssy’s head. Rainbow was the first to speak. “Bob, didn’t you notice the changelings building something outside of your house? Aren’t you worried about what they’re doing?” One of Chrysalis’s ears flicked at that. I don’t think she put the earplugs in all the way. “For all we know, since you live so far away from Ponyville, they could be making something to torture you, and nopony would notice.”

“Actually, those changelings are helping me. Chrysalis is having a greenhouse be built for me; something that lets me grow crops year-round. I’m having it built because I want to go into Ponyville even less than I already do. Aside from you guys, I only see myself wanting to go into town for food. Given how you ponies actually charge me higher prices for crops, or whatever the fuck else I’m buying, I’m trying to minigate how much I’m going out. I know Ponyville doesn’t like me, so I’m doing my best to stay out of Ponyville.” A changeling snuck past the Elements, walked over to the kitchen, and came out with a bottle of water that was sitting on ice for her. “C’mere, buddy,” the drone nodded.

She got patted on the back of the head by my free arm. “This is nice…” She sighed. “The greenhouse should be done by tomorrow. Well, the building part. The way you’re keeping the inside warm, and perfect for growing crops year-round, is genius. But it’s going to take another few days, after the building is done, to put everything into place. Can… I grow some peppers in it? I’ve always wanted to take up gardening.”

“I said I’d let you ‘lings use the greenhouse, or take crops at your own leisure. The fuckin’ thing’s huge, judging from what it looks like from inside my home. All I want is some corn, maybe some apples and green beans. If you wanna grow some bell peppers, or any type of peppers, then be my guest,” I scratched under the drone’s jaw. “You are more than welcome to do whatever you want in the greenhouse, Echo.” Yeah, aside from Gengar, Echo has to be my favorite changeling. She’s straight up, the cutest little thing ever, is actually shorter than the average changeling, which makes her the perfect lap changeling, and she still hauls her weight around just as well as her fellow drones. Echo took to the air, hugged my head, before laying on the couch to take her break.

That’s usually where she sleeps by the way. Gengar refuses to share the bed, which was me, with Echo; he’s not one for sharing the human with anything other than Chrysalis.

Twilight’s hoof came down with a crash, which was so loud it even made the Queen in my lap jolt up. “Bob, what the buck? Do you know what these changelings were doing a week ago? That thing in your lap mind controlled my brother and foalnapped my old foalsitter! Do you not take that into consideration when you’re bucking holding it like you’d hold me? Or one of my friends? What if that thing hurt Venice? Or Even Golden Arrow? What would you do then?”

“I would stop talking to Chrysalis after probably yelling at her for kidnapping a literal child. What Chrysalis did was fucked up, but from what I’ve seen, before that invasion, she was literally starving to death along with her whole country. She was trying to find a means to an end even if it wasn’t the best solution. Chrysalis is why I have this house, Chrysalis is why I’ll be able to grow my own food and stay out of a town that fucking hates me. She was literally starving to death, and offered to build me a house, free of charge, simply because she considered me a friend.” I sighed. “Twilight, you’re probably my best friend, and I get that Chrysalis done-fucked-up, but if you’re gonna say I’m a shitty person for hanging out with somebody that was desperate, that you happen to hate, you can go fuck yourself.” I patted Chrysalis’s side. “Lemme up Chryssy, I gotta make lunch anyways.”

Of course, when I went into the kitchen, Twilight and her friends followed suit. “So why did you guys come over here, aside from being racist towards changelings?”

Twilight rubbed the back of her head. “Well… We mostly came over because we thought you were about to get kidnapped… Sorry about getting mad at you over being friends with that… thing. I just don’t like it.”

“That thing has a name, Twilight. That thing, tried to to keep me safe after Luna forced herself on me. That changeling is my friend. Call her Chrysalis, show her some respect and call her a Queen if she’s inclined to that. I do my best to show your friends some respect, so show mine some. Stop being a racist, fucking bigot, and fucking move on. Stop sticking in shit that dropped a week ago. Now tell me, why are you ladies still here? If you wanna stick around for lunch, feel free, but you best not openly insult Chrysalis.”

“Well… I for one, wouldn’t pass up on your cooking,” Rarity hummed. That’s when Chrysalis stuck her head in the kitchen.

“Bob, I am taking my drones back to the Hive for the day; it’s getting too hot for my drones, and I would like to not have my children have heat stroke. And it appears,” the Queen glared at Twilight. “That I am unwanted here, so I will also be returning to the Hive. if Echo wishes, and if you are fine with it, you can keep her here for the night, or forever if you’re inclined. You may not know it, but she probably has a crush on you…” She grinned as Echo groaned ‘Mom’ from the couch. “Farewell, Bob, the Greenhouse itself should be done by tomorrow morning, and then my drones will begin working on the mechanisms for it.” Chrysalis slunk out, and after a glance out the window, the drones and Chrysalis were already flying off into the sky.

“Damn, welp. Might as well begin cooking,” I opened the fridge and hummed. There was some pudding in it, but that really isn’t a meal. “Son of a bitch,” I sighed. “I forgot to go buy shit after the wedding…” I facepalmed. “God, this is also why I want that greenhouse,” I walked on out of the kitchen. “Well, I’m gonna go into Ponyville and just buy lunch from somewhere. Y’all wanna come along? I’ll also be shopping so I can put more food in the fridge while I’m out.”

“Well, we should also spend more time with you,” Rainbow wrapped a foreleg around my neck, while being in the air. “So I’ve been thinking of an awesome idea,” the pegasus let go of me as I knelt down to put some shoes on. “You’re able to ride ponies, and we’re capable of holding you. What if we had a rodeo competition? It would get ponies to warm up to you, and you would have some fun!” I tapped my chin midway through putting a shoe on. “Well? It would be awesome!”

“Meh, fuck it. Sure.” I said without really thinking. I just didn’t care about whatever the fuck Rainbow was on about. “We’re gonna stop at Venice’s place before we get lunch by the way. It’s been a minute, and I wanna invite her along for the ride.” I slipped my other shoe on and we were on our way. “So, I wanna get some advice,” I fell into line beside Twilight. The unicorn looked up at me. “So after the negotiations with Chrysalis and Celly, Luna followed me and talked to me. She kinda asked me for forgiveness, and even sent me a box of chocolate about a couple of days after I got home from the Wedding. Should I forgive her?”

“You… want to forgive Princess Luna?” Twilight’s eyes narrowed at me. “Are you ‘on drugs’?” We both smirked; she picked that one up from me.

I shrugged. “I want to put what she did behind us. When she was my friend, she was fun to hangout with… it’s just hard to look past her actions. And is it wrong of me to not want to hold a grudge? I already figured life would suck if I stayed mad at you and your friends, mainly your friends, life would suck a lot, actually. I don’t want to spend my life hating somebody, and I… Don’t want to hate Luna.” I scratched the back of my head. “And I know you’re older than I am, so you probably have better advice for me than I do.”

Twilight sighed. “There is no ‘good advice’ for something like this. I personally believe you shouldn’t forgive Luna, but I won’t stop you if you believe forgiving her is worth it.” Luckily, the walk to Ponyville from my home was way quicker than we expected, and some of our other friends were getting closer to us. So it was probably wise to not keep talking about it. Well, Twilight did, but I don’t want the rest of her friends to hear it. I don’t trust them at all, not after that Rainbow incident. Sure, I don't outright hate them, but I don’t trust them at all with stuff like this.

I hear them talking shit.

Anyways, when we got to Venice’s home, I knocked on the door a couple of times. Shortly after, the mare herself walked out, and cheerfully waved at me. “Hello, Bob. How are you doing today-oh!-what the hay are you doing?” I scooped the mare up, and held her in my arms like a baby. She was… actually not that heavy, what the fuck? Meh, not gonna question it. “Bob, I’m excited to see you too, but please warn me when you’re going to pick me up before you do it!”

“But you’re a cute mare, and your belly needs a rubbing before we fill it up with a hayburger or two.” I started to idly rub her chest. “See?” Venice purred a little.

“...I suppose I’ll have to join you for lunch then, but please put me down. I don’t mind laying in your lap, or being carried like this. It’s quite nice, actually, but everypony is staring at us; I don’t want them thinking you’re trying to kidnap and rape me. You don’t deserve that kind of reputation.”

“But… yeah, you’re right.” I sighed and set Venice on the ground, she rubbed up against my leg, before walking relatively close to me. “So, how’s Golden doing? It’s been a minute since I’ve seen that little rascal,” I hummed. “Bet he’s still doing good with his grades.”

“Oh he is! Though he mentioned how much more fun it is to have you in the School building, and… I’ve spoke with Ms. Cherilee recently,” oh boy. “She was hoping you’d take a job in her school and act as a tutor of sorts; she thinks you’re more educated than she is at times.” Wot. I raised an eyebrow. “I… May have told her who invented half of the new gadgets in her home and classroom. She’s wholeheartedly impressed that you, at your age, had made them.” Venice shrugged. “I know you probably don’t need any money, but just imagine being able to help foals learn! I bet you find them adorable, and thus enjoy working with them.”

I tapped my chin. That is a good argument. Foals are cute. “Meh, fuck it. Tell Cherilee to meet me at my home tomorrow, whenever she’s free, and we’ll talk. I honestly need something to do, now that ‘inventing’ stuff is getting harder; I just don’t have the technical skill to build anything more complex than what I’ve built.” Anyways, lunch and shopping went over pretty quickly. Despite what Venice said, she decided to lay in my lap during lunch. Also, because of Rainbow Dash, the lunch really didn’t go over smoothly. You wanna know why? So there we were, in a hayburger. I was paying because I was rich, and also just wanted to treat my friends(mainly Twilight and Venice). After we all ordered, I led us to a booth by the window while we waited for our food to be carried out to us.

As stated earlier, Venice laid down in my lap, while we were waiting. “So Bob,” Rainbow had the straw for her drink in her mouth when she called my name. “How do we truly know that you aren’t being mind controlled by that big bug?” Venice’s head slowly turned to me. In fact, that got everyone’s attention. Everyone in the whole fucking restaurant, actually. Because Rainbow had to say that as loudly as possible. “You know, the Changeling Queen?” Of course, Rainbow didn’t catch the hint that I wanted to drop the conversation, so she kept on bugging me.

“Wait, as in the Queen of the Changelings? The one that raided Canterlot?” Venice asked.

I nodded. “Yuh. Queen Chrysalis, or Chryssy if you’re me. Her whole Hive was starving, and Chrysalis is the adoptive, and possibly biological, mother of every single changeling in that Hive. So, out of desperation, or sheer stupidity, Chryssy figured that she should invade Canterlot because Celestia once denied her country of provisions before. Luckily, I slapped both of them in the face enough to get some sense into their thick, stubborn skulls. Seriously, I know ponies are related to donkeys in terms of evolution, but y’all could be a little less stubborn than donkeys? Anyways, Chrysalis has publicly apologized for what she did to Canterlot, and to Princess Cadance and Shining Armor… Even if those last two were definitely not receptive to said apology. You wanna meet her?”

Venice hummed. “Well, if you’re friends with the Queen, she can’t be too bad. You said she did that because her children were starving?” I nodded. “As a fellow mother, I can see the reasoning behind it; I would fight to the death for Golden if I had to. If you could introduce us, I wouldn’t be opposed to talking with her.”

Rainbow’s hoof made every glass on the table ‘ding’. “Get to the point, Bob. is Chrysalis mind controlling you?”

“Rainbow, I chat with Celestia on a weekly basis. If I were being mind controlled, and Chrysalis considered Celestia public enemy number one, she could’ve had me poison Celestia’s tea or some shit. No, she knew why Celestia was coming to visit me, and was happy about me seeking help. I know your opinion of me isn’t very high, but can you quit fucking looking for excuses to kick me out of your little friend group?” I sighed. “And that’s me being generous about that; don’t think I don’t occasionally hear you guys talking shit about me when you think I can’t hear you asshats.”

Rainbow looked a bit shocked. “W-what?”

“Rarity said I was a creep for constantly petting Venice, when Venice fucking asked for an ear scratch on the way here. I’m human, my ears are damn near worthless compared to a pony’s, but I’m not deaf.” I threw my head back. Luckily the conversation was cut short when our food was brought out to us. Man… Still weird, not the fries, the burger, just weird. It tasted good, but the burger’s texture was off, and the fries… I couldn’t really eat those. Despite what the name implies, hayburgers were made out of beans, to make them better for protein as hay basically has no nutritional value. The fries were just made out of hay. The drink… a lot of places had picked up Sparkles after Pinkie started selling some, though Apple’s variant of that shit was more popular than the regular version.

So I had apple Sparkles.

Venice had sat up so she wouldn’t get in the way of me eating, and to eat her own food. The mare sighed as her ears twitched. “Bob, can you scratch my ears again? I think I caught some sort of tick; usually my ears aren’t this itchy.” Of course, I took the opportunity to scratch those adorable pony ears, and Venice sighed. When I was done, Venice shook her whole head like a dog. “Much better,” she relaxed a little.

“Bob,” Rarity spoke up. “It is a bit weird that you like hanging out with Venice so much. Are you certain you do not have any feelings for her? Your relationship with her went from cute to a bit creepy.” Wat. “No offense.” I blinked a couple of times, and I had a feeling the mare beside me was staring at Rarity with a similar expression, hers was just different because she was a horse, and I was a monkey.

“Bob, don’t even pay the bill, let everypony here pay their share. Pay for your meal, I’ll pay for mine. I’m not happy with these accusations made against you, and I’m certain you aren’t either.” Venice scoffed. “Seriously, there isn’t anything going between us beyond being good friends, Rarity. Aside from when he picked me up earlier, Bob doesn’t even touch me unless he knows I let him, and even then, I didn’t mind being held. But other ponies would think pretty lowly of Bob’s friendly little gesture. If I ask him to stop, he stops. He knows I’m not on the market, and I know he isn’t.” Venice sighed. “So much for a nice lunch out with some friends.” She got up. “Bob, are you coming?” I pulled my coin purse and dumped the whole thing on the table.

“There’s your meals paid for. So much for that second chance at getting on my good side, eh?” I ruffled Twilight’s main. “I’ll see you around Twi,” I climbed out of the booth. “Wish you all the best, but I think I’m done. Seriously, Rarity, go eat a dick. I doubt you will, since that’ll require actually being a decent marefriend, but I’m sure you got a rubber one you can chow down on.” Everyone at our table was shocked. Venice didn’t care; she was already out the door.

“Why you-”

Whatever Rarity had to say didn’t fucking matter at that moment. I found Venice shortly after, and we ended up eating a couple of sandwiches in her backyard, under a tree. It was quite nice, and then we went shopping so I wouldn’t have an empty fridge. Overall, I had a great time; I love two faced friends. Hell, I got to play with Golden Arrow after he got out of school; he’s still in love with that train set he got for his birthday.

That colt definitely brightened my mood.