Private Pinkie

11:37 - 16/01/1005 - Near Appleloosa, Mixie

Conscript life sucks.

Six hours past high moon: awoken by the crack of a defanged rifle and the shouts of the CO. Six till seven: the whole barrack onto the parade grounds for mandatory nonstop exercise. Seven: a shower and a change of clothes or else their clothes reek of sweat for the rest of the night. No later than half past seven: all were to stand in formation outside the barrack and wait for the CO to tell them what they were doing for the night.

From there it was like a roll of the dice. It could be vehicle maintenance, could be scrubbing the floors, could be standing in a guard tower, could be any number of other things including absolutely nothing. Tonight was one of those “lucky” nights that Privates Pinkamena and Maud Pie had a job to do that got them outside the camp: Hop in a jeep and drive around on patrol.

After Nightmare Moon’s takeover, all her Equestrian subjects were required to sign up for conscription and enlist for two years of military service before they turned twenty-eight years old. The four sisters of the Pie family, not wanting to leave their parents and family rock farm alone, opted to go in pairs at separate times. Their two other sisters, Marble and Limestone, had already completed their mandatory two years, and in August, it was Pinkie and Maud’s turn.

Right away they’d been shipped off to boot camp, and while the experience was fine for the stoic-as-stone Maud, it was torment for the hyperactive Pinkie. Every night for four months, it felt like what made Pinkie Pinkie was being crushed, chewed up, spat out, all over and over again like bubblegum. It was a miracle that her mane still kept its spring at the end of it all. The most positive thing she could say is that she’s learned more about explosives than she’d ever thought she’d want to, which gave her a few ideas for fireworks displays after she was out.

After that, it was off to Camp Copper in the Equestrian Southwest, where they were then stationed. The camp had been built shortly after the establishment of the Lunar Empire to serve two primary purposes, one was to prevent monster attacks in the area, the other was to ensure peace between the local ponies and buffalo. While they were on patrol, they were meant to look for anything monster-shaped and either deal with it themselves if they could or report it back to camp if it was too much.

With only the grumble of the open-top jeep’s engine, Maud quietly drove through the silent, lonely desert, her pet Boulder settled on the dashboard. Pinkie was slouched in the passenger seat, silently sulking as she stared up at the starry sky. So far, no luck on their mission. Enchanted night-vision goggles made the job easier, but no less dull. All there was to see was endless miles of auburn-coloured deserts dotted with the occasional butte, plateau, or hill. Technically it was a good thing that they’d found nothing, that ideally meant there were no monsters to worry about, but Pinkie could only think of all the things she’d rather be doing. At least she knew how to make a game out of scrubbing the washroom floor.

The thing was, Pinkie had exceptional talents that were useful in a military setting. She could dig trenches and ditches at lightning speed, she could punch through solid rock, she had a sixth sense that could detect imminent danger, and she even had access to hammerspace. But what joy was she supposed to derive in an environment of enforced mass conformity?

Pinkie eventually broke the silence with a groan. “Huhhgh, Maaaud, I’m so booored!” she exclaimed, throwing her hooves into the air.

“You are supposed to be keeping lookout,” Maud stated plainly, appearing to pay Pinkie no heed as she kept her eyes solely on the road.

“But there’s nothing out there!” Pinkie whined, gesturing to the lifeless landscape dominated by dull rocks and dead plants. “If there was, my Pinkie Sense would’ve sent me spinning! Literally! No monsters, no trespassers, no nothing! It’s just rocks and sand!”

“They’re not ‘just rocks’, Pinkie,” Maud said. “Mixie is home to some of the most fascinating geology in Equestria. Just look at the buttes. They’re composed of horizontally bedded sedimentary rock and sandstone, gradually moulded into the shape we see tonight over three hundred million years of constant erosion-”

“It’s boooriiing, though!” Pinkie groaned. A few seconds of whinging later, Pinkie leapt out of her seat and into the back of the vehicle. “I’m gonna see if there’s anything fun back here!” she announced as she started to rummage through the supplies.

“Pinkie,” Maud said in a stern tone, like a mother talking to a disobedient child. “There’s live ammunition back there, do not do anything-”

A sudden noise. Maud flinched. But it was not the harsh crack of a gunshot she heard, and when she realised this, she quickly calmed down. Instead, a nasally blast of discordant musical notes, and moments later the air was filled with a vibrant cascade of rich, reedy music.

The sound was too distinct to be anything else. Pinkie had found an accordion in the back of the jeep, and she was playing it remarkably well. How? Why? Maud didn’t wonder, it was just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie. More than anything, Maud was delighted that Pinkie was still herself and still able to conjure such joy.

Maud parked the jeep by the side of the road and turned herself around to watch Pinkie play. While her face didn't show it, she was in awe at the raw technical talent on display. Pinkie's hooves cleanly and gracefully slid up and down the keys and buttons on either side of the instrument, slowly pulling it open and closing it again as the song required, producing a resonant tune that expressed a sense of boundless whimsical joy. A small smile slowly crept its way onto Maud’s lips.

When Maud and Pinkie drove back to camp, they had nothing to report. Pinkie was still playing the accordion, mostly making up tunes on the fly, and had attracted the attention of some of the ponies in the camp. It started with a few ponies following their jeep to the garage, curious as to what was going on. After the jeep had been parked and Maud left to report her findings, or lack thereof, more ponies had gathered outside the garage as Pinkie happily performed. Before long several barracks worth of ponies had gathered, shouting cheers and song requests.

Already lively, Pinkie’s smile grew wider and her playing turned to a performance as soldiers around the camp gathered around her jeep. Where once there were cold dejected frowns amongst the soldiers, there were now wide buoyant grins. Even some of the officers who had gained a reputation for being strict and stern had made themselves present, enjoying the show as any other attendant was.

After finishing a song she’d come up with on the spot, she set the accordion down.

“Play something funny!” a captain cried.

“Yeah, Pinkie!” a sergeant shouted.

“Now do Classical Gas!” a lieutenant lipped.

“Okay!” Pinkie picked up the accordion again. Acquiescing to the requests, Pinkie improvised the best cover she could muster with nothing but an accordion. It was good for what it was, and the audience went wild. The cheers were so loud Pinkie could barely hear herself play, but she continued undeterred. The commanders responsible for maintaining discipline didn’t even try to stop it, they were caught up in it.

While nopony knew it at the time, this was Pinkie’s last night as an ordinary conscript.