Sex Court: All Rise

There were three major Equestrian pony species and when it came to Sex Court, that rather basic fact was responsible for regularly filling out a significant portion of the docket.

The palace had spent centuries in encouraging full integration. This started through having the full trio regularly living in close proximity, and that was a goal which was still experiencing a number of vapor-based high elevation bumps. Getting ponies to coexist wasn't always a simple matter. Having them fully understand each other probably wasn't impossible, but reaching that goal was going to require some way of making the citizenry get out of their own heads. Because it was just about always easier to tell yourself that you knew something (typically based on what the previous idiot had whispered a little too close to your ear) than to reach for full comprehension, and when that carefully-cultivated lack of true information reached the bedroom...

They were all ponies: there was that much held in common. Those who felt that the two truest connection points were sapience and souls were just about guaranteed to trot through life without ever creating a single moment of prejudice or misunderstanding -- at least, not on purpose. Because another rather basic fact said that all three species possessed differing physical configurations, often added personal and cultural traditions to the mix, and then you had to recognize that there were some very real magical differences.

Or rather, for a number of the cases which wound up in Sex Court, the plaintiff and defendant typically wound up recognizing that after the fact. Typically, this would occur somewhere around the third attempt to fill out the initial case filing paperwork. The original drafts usually wound up being set on fire.

It was generally assumed that those pegasi who had been raised in the cloud cities got it the worst, and there was some truth to that. They grew up in an environment which could only be visited by others for as long as the cloudwalking spell held up or, with those who'd already felt it starting to wear off and really weren't certain about the whole pressure carry offer, for as long as they could manage to live while standing in the exact center of a wooden safety platform. (Enterprising vendors had been known to set up food and blanket stalls around the edges.) Some of the resulting winged adults would be forced by circumstance to descend, and the majority of those would spend several years as what ground-based pegasi called -- well, two of the more repeatable terms were stone foals and airheads. Those who hadn't recognized that the most foreign country of all was directly below their hooves, and frequently responded to low-altitude existence through screaming. Something which sounded from the midst of a hover, because coming down to ground level didn't mean they had to touch the horrible stuff.

Quite a few of them would wind up retreating to where life made more sense, and even the ones who tried to adjust would spend some time investigating the reasons for the existence of the hoof-aching phenomenon known as 'cobblestone streets'. This was usually followed by asking why such cruelty was actually legal.

But those who'd grown up together would form friendships. Some of those initial bonds might eventually turn into relationships. And that was when each would discover that while they might have known the pony for years, that two-week session of carefully-constructed classroom daydreams during the Everypony Else's Magic And You lectures had cost them the opportunity to learn about what their partner could do.

Some of them truly wound up learning the hard way, for a given street definition of 'hard'. Because it was possible for any given pony's arousal to reach the point where it expressed itself through their inherent magic.

Those who courted unicorns might discover that safety during sex required securing all small objects: the ones who found they were dating a particularly powerful specimen needed to do the same for the bed. First time with an earth pony? Go ahead and bring flowers, or other types of plants: they're a nice gift and, if you purchased the right kinds, a potential snack for after. Just make sure all of the vegetation is stored well away from the actual act, because that fresh turgescence which just poked your backside? Is a new vine, it can't really aim, and the thorns weren't optional. And there was a reason why pegasi of significant power weren't supposed to have sex in a cold, dry environment. Most of that could be explained during the medical treatments for multiple kinds of shock -- which still took less time than locating all pieces of affected metal in the bedroom and demagnetizing Absolutely Everything.

The ponies of the realm did their best to live together, and a number truly loved each other. But they didn't always understand. And when that lack of comprehension reached the intersection of confusion, ignorance, and I Think I Need A Doctor -- there, all too often, you would find Sex Court.

And that was just with the Equestrian trio of pony species.

A fourth option had recently become available.

The defendant nervously shifted his weight upon the witness stall bench, and a slow parade of lazy rainbows made their way across the spectator gallery. Some of the finer aspects for the reds were becoming lost in the rosewood, while the varying hues possessed by the season ticket holders had their own way with the results.

Most of them hadn't noticed the temporary effects on any personal attempts at color coordination, especially as the majority weren't actually wearing anything. Instead, every last regular was focused intently on the stallion occupant of that stall. Because those who attended with sufficient frequency could become nearly as familiar with equine (and other) sexuality as Judge Impassi Heartstopper was presumed to be, and this was new.

His name was Vanadate, and he was a fairly slender specimen. The young stallion came across as having been constructed from a series of delicate crystalline tubes of varying widths. Most of his time in the courtroom had been spent in lightly shaking from stress, and at least three of the spectators were waiting for him to accidentally hit the resonance frequency which would shake the witness apart.

It had been worst during the swearing in. You could ask a resident of the Empire to take an oath: it was just that most of them were still adding an inaudible, internally-deafening Or Else to the end.

He was just barely college age: something which had been made official by his status as freshpony at the University. The coat came across as semi-translucent gold (with no traces of metallic aspects), while mane, tail, and eyes darkened that by a few crucial shades. His features were rather fine and given his point of origin, 'faceted' also applied.

He was also one of the first crystal ponies to venture beyond the Barrier in an attempt to both study and live in a new land and as evidenced by the fact that he was currently being sued by his own dormitory, the latter was taking some work.

Impassi watched as the little shivers and twitches sent a few more prism results on an unguided tour of the courtroom, then nudged her notebook closed with maximum care. The click of the magnets still came close to launching the stallion from a prone start.

"As your paperwork has led me to understand," she told the defendant as carefully-controlled tones of caution tinged the edges of neutrality, "this is your first encounter with our court system."

Vanadate just barely managed a trembling nod. Yellow and green shifted across the judge's snout, and were then summarily dismissed.

Or with any system which doesn't begin and end with a single pony deciding on your guilt. With no actual charges required. Unless you count 'was in line of sight at the moment Sombra needed a fresh subject for experiments', because at least a quarter of the Empire wound up with that sentence. And when that happened, the most fortunate had received the death penalty: the version which was carried out within minutes. The unlucky were the ones who'd lingered.

Be careful. The student had requested a judicial verdict instead of a jury one, possibly because having more than one entity determining his fate simply put a multiplier on the fear. Impassi had read through the reports, examined pictures of the evidence, and already had a very good idea of how the judgment was going to go. It was just a matter of getting through it without utterly terrifying the soon-to-be guilty party.

...or, for that matter, launching too many fresh interests among the gallery. The judge knew that look, and having it arrive in bulk didn't exactly make it harder to identify. Something new was in their current part of the world. Multiple season ticket holders were considering the possibilities.

Of course, she was the only one who'd seen the full reports.

There were possibilities to consider. Most of them invoked cold showers. As a failed means of self-defense.

"So this is the process," she precisely explained. "Or rather, the process as it applies here. I'm going to review what you said earlier. This includes all testimony given to not just the courtroom, but the police and your dormitory's resident assistant." Oh, right: there was another factor... "And the respondents from emergency services."

"...are they going to snitch?" the stallion tremulously asked.

Impassi carefully raised a pearlescent eyebrow.

"...testify," Vanadate quickly corrected, and a rising blush added its own enhancements to shimmering red. "It's 'testify'. Will they?"

"If necessary," the judge carefully told him. "But we can likely avoid that. I simply wish to ensure that all facts of the case are known. A review, added to your own answers for any queries, should be sufficient."

The next nod was visibly forced.

Impassi considered how best to manage matters, realized that every moment in the presence of Authority was making the Empire's citizen that much more frightened and, for his sake, decided to get it over with.

"According to your own statements on the matter --" Which didn't take much to get out of you. Except that no matter what anypony said, you thought you were going to be deported. And that was only after everypony finally managed to explain that Sombra's favorite options not only didn't apply locally, but died when he did. Something you knew before you came here, but -- you were scared. And still are. "-- you were masturbating."

The student winced, and the resulting rainbows twitched accordingly.

The visual display was natural. A coat and, for that matter, a body which played strange tricks with light. Everything about the crystal ponies was fully biological: initial studies had found no hints of inorganic layers on fur and hair strands. And yet his body did the same thing as the structures in his home, interacting with any illumination available. And just about all of the time, that would mean refraction and dispersal. Breaking up normal radiance and creating all of those little rainbows.

"I..." the young adult just barely choked out, and Impassi took pity.

"Mr. Yttrium," she calmly told the student, "if there is a single pony among the gallery or court staff who can claim that they have never pleasured themselves, then they simply need to say so. At which point, I will have the oathbook brought back and once they've been sworn in, we'll see if they're willing to say it again."

He blinked, which nicely counterpointed three of the winces from the gallery. The judge carefully failed to smile.

"It is," she went on, "a perfectly natural activity."

The results, however...

...had also been natural.
For him.

"But..." the freshpony half-whispered, "...after what happened..."

"Which, according to your initial answers during the original questioning, was not entirely unexpected."

At least for you. Because you understood it was at least a possibility, and you just didn't think about -- where you were. That you weren't at home.
But I wasn't expecting it.
I reached that part of the file while I was doing the pretrial reading in my chambers. And for the first time in years, I just -- stopped.
It was five minutes before I could stop trotting around my desk.
Half an hour later, I stopped asking the courtroom's concession stand to send down more ice.
I didn't actually need the ice. I just felt a lot better having it in the room.

Not that ice would have helped.

"I didn't think it would actually happen," Vanate weakly said. "Even with us, it's... usually just a story we tell. That it can happen. It usually... it's so rare, and I didn't think... not with me, not when it never happened with me before this..."

He shifted nervously within the stall. Impassi became aware of just how closely she was watching the shifts of refractive limbs.

If he gets into exactly the wrong position...

No. That was prejudicial. He wasn't actually... doing it. That was the requirement for concern.

"Once again," the judge prompted, "you were masturbating. Correct?"

The trembling still came back. But it didn't stick around as long.

"...I... haven't been able to meet anypony," the student carefully said. "I haven't even really tried. It's -- all too new. Just being here... and -- being anywhere, and -- I... I don't talk to a lot of ponies, or -- anything? Anyone. It's anyone if they're not ponies. I'm sorry. We don't have -- the rest. Not in the Empire. But when it's ponies, I don't know if the mares in Equestria would even..."

You are young and trying to adjust to an environment like nothing you've ever known. Just the idea that ponies might want to build out of wood and metal is a change.

...also a problem. Especially when the former gets involved with you.

But you're not exactly unattractive. And you also represent the new. You're just about unique in the capital, and that means you've probably had miniherds of mares watching you because the 'innovator' percentage is also rather curious regarding fresh biology. You're just a little too shy to recognize that interest for what it truly is.

All things considered, you've probably spent most of your time thinking ponies were trying to get close to you for the wrong reasons. Waiting for somepony to move into position and, once they learned something useful -- snitch.

Which may be why it wasn't all that hard for the interrogation to bring out a confession. The hard part was stopping you from admitting to things you hadn't actually done, because you were apparently under the impression that it was protecting the rest of the dorm from punishment.

A dorm which now needs a little protection.

From you.

"And there's this thing which the other colts in my old class used to say about masturbating," Vanadate abruptly added.

"Which is?" the judge inquired, because that which the young told each other about sex needed to be brought into the light. It was easier to stomp on something you could clearly see.

Light...

"That if you don't do it for too long," the young adult helplessly added, "you explode."

Impassi was very nearly about to say something. Then she pondered the mostly-unknown nature of crystal pony biology, and modified the words before they reached her tongue.

"Rather unlikely," she neutrally postulated, and dearly hoped she was right.

The fascination of the new. If the stallion had been willing to take a chance, then his uniqueness alone might have had mares lined up around the central campus grazing square. Just to find out What Being With A Crystal Was Like.

The new, in and of itself... Well, in the unlikely event that the frequently-repeated, rather ridiculous rumor known as 'kirin' ever found incarnation as actual high-temperature biology, then Impassi was expecting a reasonable amount of fallout. Something which would likely start with increased sales for heat-resistant bedding, followed by an absolute surge in the burn cream market.

And when she considered what had just been learned about crystals...

"Mr. Yttrium," she neutrally inquired, because a judge's mark was good at making her sound neutral even when a small portion of her mind dearly wanted to evacuate the courtroom, "I recognize that you implied a potential answer earlier in the questioning. But I need a definitive statement. Were you aware that the incident was possible?"

Most of the gallery collectively leaned in.

"Sort of..." drifted up to her.

"More specific."

"The colts used to talk about it," he helplessly told her. "Some of them said they'd done it. But they said you couldn't try for it. Everything sort of has to -- align. By accident. Because the alignment is a little different for everypony. And... and it's supposed to be harmless..."

It probably is.

In your birth home, it is.

Oh dear.

There was still some intermittent vibration taking place in the witness stall, and each produced rainbows. That was good. Rainbows were safe.

"I... don't leave the lights off when I -- do it," the student made himself go on. "And I've got a single, because the campus wanted me to get used to just being here before I tried to live with anypony. I thought I had privacy, especially with how opaque all your walls are. I thought -- everything was okay..."

"So you masturbated," the judge said.

"...yes."

"And given the results," she added, "it would be safe to assume that at the moment of orgasm, everything -- aligned."

Vanadate's eyes briefly closed.

"It would just go into the wall at home," the student weakly protested.

Buildings which, due to the nature of their material construction, create hot spots. But the Empire uses those to good effect. Regulating the temperature, and it's only the travelers who have to be careful about not standing in a given place for too long. Fur starting to send up smoke plumes is a bad sign.

The residents don't seem to create the same heat effects with their bodies. Not through simply existing.

It turns out that roughly half of them are potentially worse.

"Into, around, and eventually through, I'd imagine," said a mare who'd recently been forced into some rather intense hasty optical studies. "As partially dispersed, fully harmless lumens."

"It's the walls," almost came across as a tiny protest against an unfair universe. "The walls here aren't built right..."

Under nearly all circumstances (and a certain inner syllable was calling for Impassi's attention), a crystal pony's coat reflected and refracted light.

Nearly all.

Perhaps there was a slightly different type of fur in a particular area. It was possible that sweat had a part to play in the process. (Not that crystal ponies really seemed to sweat.) Or when certain arteries and veins, all normally close to the surface, went -- rigid... they turned into a new kind of channel.

For the stallions... if a given section of anatomy was, to turn a phrase, fully deployed, and everything lined up just right...

"I didn't mean to start the fire," the miserable crystal pony told the courtroom.

I am a judge.
I was tested and qualified for my post by the government.
I've spent years listening to the strangest sexual outcomes which the combined populations of Canterlot and Ponyville can contribute to District One. Including those from Embassy Row, along with the citizens and visitors who aren't ponies at all.
But new things enter the world. New people, or just somepony from a species we haven't really dealt with for centuries. More than long enough for the old stories to be forgotten.
And this was the day when I learned that a male crystal pony, engaged in the art of masturbation in a well-lit room, has a non-zero chance to lase.
...get a few hundred of them together in a trained formation, offer them a lot of prep time along with straightline distance from the central combat area, make sure none of them can see the expressions of the others because that never goes well, and you'd have the most awkward battlefield tactic ever...

Impassi's imagination, which wasn't quite as disciplined as her face, briefly tried to come up with another use and came within one rulebook of creating the world's newest sport before giving up right there.

"The emergency response team felt the scorch pattern was unusual," was all she said.

"I was trying to redirect the beam," a fully-resigned, well-trained powerless state wearily sighed. "Get it pointed towards the window. But it just kept setting the -- paint? Paint... on fire as it moved."

"And you also forgot that you'd closed the curtains," the judge deduced.

"...yes." Another sign. "And then I was trying to get the fire put out. But the alarms went off, all of them went off, and the response team arrived so quickly, and I wasn't quite -- back to normal yet, so they wanted to know what happened, what I'd been doing, and..."

And when any kind of Authority asks questions, you answer them. Because to lie is to risk having somepony else trying to save themselves through snitching on you. And whatever comes from telling the truth was going to happen anyway.

On the most technical level, her next questions had been intended for the official record. When viewed from the more personal standpoint which could have a visible effect on her features once she reached her chambers again, Impassi really wanted some reassurance.

"Is there any way to prevent it from happening again?"

"Covering the area," Vanadate quickly said. "Even a little of it. Everything has to sort of be in the open. The -- spheres and tube, we'd say. Exposed and in the light, while fully -- ready to go. If anything's concealed, nothing happens."

"Which would mean that having the incident repeat during actual intercourse," said a mare who'd just managed a subtle survey of the gallery and found every female in it now desperately trying to use their tails as a first line of defense, "is impossible. Correct?"

"...yes," the student told them. "Because that part is... inside."

Tails straightened out all over the gallery. Impassi's, fully hidden under the robe, very nearly twitched.

Oh, thank Sun.

Not that Sun was necessarily anypony's ally here. And if it turned out that Moon's light was enough to do it...

The judge expertly failed to sigh.

"Fortunately, the fire was put out quickly," she observed. "And there were no true injuries. But as your resident advisor noted, there was a fair amount of property damage. I recognize that you did not intend those results, Mr. Yttrium. And I understand that the typical student has relatively little in the way of funds to pay for damages. So your sentence comes in two parts. First, you will work off the cost of repairs. Six hours per week, doing odd jobs for the University, until such time as you graduate. After that, any remaining expenses will be forgiven. Is that understood?"

He blinked, and the movement of those eyelids made violet dance across her own pupils.

"...that's... it?" Vanadate whispered. "That's all? I just have to -- you won't be telling anypony to --" and then the entire refractive form locked up. "-- no, you said two parts. The bad stuff has to be --"

"-- covering any portion of your genitals is sufficient to prevent the effects?"

"Yes," emerged after a time. "Why?"

"I am sending you to Steath's Erotica Emporium," the judge announced. "You'll be provided with directions. I imagine a condom would be enough to do it, and a proper fitting is rather crucial. But in the name of safety..."

And that was how the cloth testicle sack was invented.

It even became something of a bedroom fad for a while.

But for some reason, the crystal-studded versions never really caught on.