Fallout Equestria: Desperados V2 (of Blood and Dirt)

Desperado’s V2, Chapter 11

A Cruel Joke (Part 3)

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With everypony ready, the plan was simple; we will drive into Tato Town, kill all the raiders there, and then burn the place to the ground.

Fort, Cavall and the Jackalope would stay behind at our abandoned trailer, Rook giving her revolver to her son for his own protection. We also left him all the supplies for the cure and how to make it, just in case things go bad.

We also disintegrated the nearby raiders corps with the Aeternus, as its cruel joke infection was starting to break free from the body.

So we were off, and once we were close enough, we stopped the smuggler to let Rook use Slowtrot's rifle to snipe the snipers. The veteran mercenary was a deadshot, and the raiders who poked their heads out didn't stand a chance. Once the raiders stopped showing themselves, we got moving again. Getting close to their wall as I aimed the Aeternus, and let the magical energy bolts fly as soon as Pyrope pointed out any raider. With Harp providing a bit of extra power, the raider didn't stand a chance. In fact, one of their sniper nests literally caught on fire, and quickly turned into an inferno. A second raider sniper had to jump to escape the flames, likely falling to their death.

With a jerk, Slowtrot drove the Smuggler to the only entrance that could fit the vehicle, finding it blocked off by a rusty chain linked fence. Powering forward, I dicked down as the smuggler smashed through the fence like nothing, entering Tato town.

Again I was weapons hot as confused raiders ran about, some grabbing their guns, and others diving for the trenches all over the place. The latter proved smarter as I quickly disintegrated any raider not in cover.

But Slowtrot had to turn around before we hit the trenchline, not wanting the smuggler to become stuck. But both Rook and Pyrope had already jumped out with Slowtrot's guns in hoof and into the first trench, guns blazing. A few raiders tried to flank them, but I used the Aeternus to keep their heads down.

"Time to switch!" Harp said as she climbed up into the gunner's nest.

Nodding back at her, I grabbed my Outlaw and jumped out myself, joining Rook and Pyrope in the trenches.

"So, why the fucking trenches?" I ask as I fire down the line as a raider in mid charge.

"Probably for catching water!" Pyrope guessed as he fired Boomstick, Slowtrot's shotgun.

"That or it is actually for a mass grave." Rook guessed grimly as she fired down the other end of the trench with Slowtrot's burnt rifle.

The smuggler then drove off as Harp struggled to keep the Aeternus straight as she fired. We couldn't have the smuggler stay in one spot with how big of a target it was. So Slowtrot and Harp were going to move about while providing us with covering fire, from a distance.

With a rather uncontrolled blast from the Aeternus, the three of us jumped out of the trench and ran for the next. We dove down just as the raiders began to fire again, landing in the muddy trench. I only grew more confused as we found ourselves among dead tato plants, haphazardly spread around.

To our shock, a raider laid nearby among the dead brush and muddy ground, cruel joke entangled him as it weaved in and out of his flesh. A needle of med-X was stuck in his leg, and signs of infection surrounded the insertion. The raider then looked at us with glassy eyes and a foaming mouth, alive, but better off dead.

"Well, that's fucked." Pyrope said as he aimed Boomstick, but Rook lowered the shotgun.

"Best we save the ammo, we're going to burn him later anyway." She said coldly.

It was a disturbing thought, setting the raider on fire just to save the ammo, but it made sense. Also, looking at the strung out pony, I doubt he could feel pain, or wouldn't even care if he could. Being some living plant food had to be a fate worse than death.

Seeing this only strengthened my resolve to end this before it got out. With how close we were to New Appaloosa, all it would take is one of these raiders to make it nere civilization to cause a major outbreak. For the sake of my daughter, they all must burn!

Pulling up my Outlaw, I then peeked out over the trench and sprayed the area the raiders were shooting from. Both Pyrope and Rook took the opportunity and quickly climbed up, with Pyrope running forward, and Rook taking aim through the rifle's scope.

With several quick shots, Rook took out a raider, as I got moving myself. A burst of pink beems shot overhead as we both made it to the next trench. Where two dead raiders waited for us as Pyrope reloaded the shotgun. From the corner of my eye, I then saw three chem mad raiders rushing at us. Not even properly aiming, I fired my Outlaw down at them, peppering the trench as chunks were blown out of the three raiders.

Pyrope laughed as he racked the shotgun. "Never thought I'd ever be trench fighting like one of my ancestors. Good thing we got the right tools for the job."

Rook huffed in annoyance. "This ain't no trench fight trust me on that." She then peeked up and let out a few shots before ducking back down. "No machinegun nest."

"So, it's far easier than real trench fighting then." I commented

"Don't get cocky now." Rook said as she loaded in another magazine. "We're not just fighting petty criminals strung out on chems, who are led by a crazy mare. But ones infested with an evil magical plant. Ponies with no sense of self preservation are among the most dangerous, and tend to be unpredictable in the worst way possible."

Both Pyrope and I peeked out ourselves, taking out the already thinning out raiders befor ducking back down.

"Can't say you're wrong." I said as I changed out a magazine. "The last group of raiders would have had us if we didn't have our pipbuck's. Trotted right into a trap, but managed to take a sect pathway to get away from them."

"Pa had a few close calls too. Mostly when trying to make acdeal with em, but the bastards being so strung out on chems that they turned hostile." Pyrope added.

A burst of pink beams blasted overhead, and all three peeked out and took our shots.

"Well at least they only got shitty hunting rifles, and crude pipe guns or junkyard SMG's." Pyrope added as we ducked back down. "Where we got some sweet guns and that battle waggon of yours."

Rook nodded. "We do have an arms advantage and are attacking them before they can develop countermeasures. So long as we keep our distance, we should be fine."

I looked down at my custom claw made Griffinstone Typewriter, tapping on the brass trigger as the light shined off it. "Right, we're a bit over qualified for this."

"Well, they can still get lucky and kill us all, then they will have all the good gear." Rook said as she shrugged.

That was true. It didn't matter how shitty their guns were, a lucky shot to the head kills all the same. Anyways, the real danger wasn't the raiders, it was the cruel joke. None of us know how much the plant could spread if left here, or how much damage it could cause. We just needed to kill the raiders so that we burn this place to ash.

Another shot came from Rook as she aimed out of the trench. "That should be the last of the snipers." She told us.

Peeking out, Pyrope then informed us, "looks like the raiders are fleeing." He then cringed. "Ya, the cruel joke isn't their friend."

Looking over myself, I saw two of the raiders entangled in the bramble, smoke coming out of one's every orifice as he screamed in pain. The other, a mare, bloated as though pregnant, her pained sobbings intertwined with madden laughter.

It was almost as though the vines demanded they keep up the fight, or face a cruel and slow death.

Seven remaining raiders watched in horror, unwilling to test their fate with the vines. One turned and ran in our direction, quickly followed by the others, terror in their eyes as they focused past us.

I aimed my Outlaw at them, easy targets, far too easy of targets. All the fight was out of them now, making this a murder, not a fight, but none can be allowed to escape. They could be cured, we have a cure, but the risk of them getting away before we could was too much. Anyways, they had turned raider, lost their minds, leaving them alone was too dangerous with or without the cruel joke inside of them.

So with the buttstock of my Outlaw resting on my shoulder, I press back on the trigger. With two sweeps of my gun, the seven raiders were ventilated before they could even reach us, hitting the ground and fertilizing it with their blood.

Smoke drifted out of the Outlaws barrale as heat radiated from it. And even through the ringing of my ears, I could tell that things had become quiet. "Is that all of them?" I asked.

Rook shook her head as she climbed out of the trench. "Just give me a moment."

Both Pyrope and I watched as Rook calmly held her breath and then fired at one of the seven, the raider letting out a gurgling cry of pain. "I've killed enough ponies to know how one falls when dead, and when one is faking their death.

Tapping on my pipbuck, I spoke into it, "I think we got most of em."

"Any red markers on your EFS?" Harp asked through my pipbuck.

Looking up at the compass on my hud, I saw several blue marks, they being Rook, Pyrope, and the smuggler. As I then turned to the town part of Tato Town, I saw three red marks. The two trapped raiders, and one more.

"One left, and she's among the bramble." I told Harp.

"Good, then let's just set it all on fire, with her inside." She said coldly.

But I had a feeling that it wasn't going to be that easy. "Not a good idea, who knows what trick that bitch has up her sleeves. Unlike the others here, she's actually smart, though clearly insane. I'll go in there myself and flush the bitch out."

"Are you sure about this, Star? What if the vines attack you?" Harp asked worriedly.

That was a fair point, but we might have an answer to it. "Hay Slowtrot, what does your pipbuck say about poison jokes? Like, can it do that thing to me again?"

"Lets see… says here that the poison joke, though can reinfect, there's at least a grace period of a few days before it can." Slowtrot answered.

A sigh then came from the radio. "Alright Star, but please get out if things turn bad, or even a little off."

I chuckled at that. "Hay now, I may not be that smart, but I know when to pull back from a bad fight."

Climbing out of the trench, I looked at the dangling vines that enwrapped Tato Town, the two suffering raiders dangling like a macab display. Why Warm Front was hiding I didn't know, but there was no doubt she was planning something. Maybe waiting for us to torch the place and hide in the smoke. There would be no way for any of us to catch her if she had cloud cover.

I turned back to the other two with me, giving them a wink. "I'm going to take care of Warm Front, you two stay here and keep an eye out."

"Just don't go all mad cannibal again, I hate to shoot the mare my son currently likes." Rook was half joking, but half dead serious.

Pyrope let out a laugh as he sat back. "Since you seem to be in a good mood, any chance you reconsider dancing for us?"

"Eat a dick." I told the bandit, but not with the same spite I had before. "But I'll think about it."

Trotting up to the town part of Tato Town, the two entrapped raiders were a nightmare carved onto the pony form. One raider's bones seem to have warped, poking out of their flesh painfully. The other was covered in cancerous growth, it having already popped out their eyes, and letting them dangle by the nerves. Both had the thorny vines wevi g i. And out of their flesh as beautiful blue flowers bloomed.

I drew my Cosmic Cutlass, and delivered a mercy kill on the raiders, along with cutting the vines out of my way. Whatever made this plant, they were the truest of evil that I ever knew. At least killing joke tend to kill you in the end, not have you suffer for as long as possible.

A sharp pain shot up my leg as a blue thorned bramble entangled itself around one of my fetlocks. It dug into me, gripping me with grate force that it caused me to wince in pain befor I cut myself free and kicked away the vine.

My blood splattered along the ground, and where it fell, vines lashed into it.

Taking a deep breath I moved further in, the vines now thick, far thicker than before that it dimmed the light. It was strange, as though I just entered a new world. One of a blue nightmare that consumed the light. Looking up, to my shock the vines were entangling each other, and bit by bit the light was being blocked out.

I turned back to run and get out of this trap, but found a wall of vines in my way. Using my cutlass, I easily broke through, the vines nothing more than wet paper to my blade, but still, I was trapped. More vines shot from all around, my eyes barely able to see as the darkness became all consuming.

"You…" the raspy and pained voice of Warm Front called out from all around. "You are strong, you will make a fine mare for my grandchildren."

I swung my cutlass, but only made the sound of it cutting the air. I was fucked, and didn't know were to go to get unducked.

The infected bitch laughed, which was followed by the sound of the vines shaking all around me. "Yes, you will be the vessel for my grandchildren's grand adventure!

There was no use panicking, I just needed a lucky shot, a good hit. My E.F.S. at least told me which direction she was, but not how close she was. So calming down, I concentrated, using my ears for the right moment. Yet all I could hear was the sound of the vines… and a clink.

My ears twitched as I heard a rattling, a very familiar rattling. It was of fluids and marbles from inside a metal container, a common sound from the Ruffled Feathers. Was Warm Front making herself a cocktail at this time?

Trotting to the sound, light slowly returned, where I was surprised to find myself at dingy open air bar, where a familiar bartender sat, shaking a drink.

"Lathi?" I said, confused as to why and how the old ghoul was even here.

"Good to see you again, Star. It feels like it's been over a year now, has it." She said as she then poured the drink into a glass.

"Over a month, ya. But the fuck, whats going on?" I asked as I trotted up to the bar.

"Just checking in on my favorit trouble maker." She then passed me the glass to me, the cloudy drink strongly smelled of juice and rum. "Try it, it's called The Dead Mares Kiss. Famous long ago among sailors about to head into great peril. Inspired by an ancient tradition in which a pony seeks the favor of the Goddesses of life and death."

I looked at the cloudy drink suspiciously. "Well, great peril can be what you call my current situation. "

Lathi chuckled in the way only a ghoul could, dry and gravily. "Oh, that ship sailed long ago. From the moment Victoria found you, your peaceful life was over."

Made sense to me. "And the drink, what magical brahminshit is in it?"

"Nothing of the sort." She said as she poured herself a little and drank it. "Just coconut juice mixed with pineapple, lemon, and line, then a rather strong rum. Well, most of it is rum, but the original, that was a drink to die for… mainly because it used poison with the rum."

Knocking back the drink itself, it was rather strong, the juices helping mask what was clearly gut rot rum. "Fuck this shit strong! But poison, the fuck why?"

Again Lathi chuckled. "The ancient ponies didn't fuck around with their drinks. A Test of bravery and all. Though they stopped using the poison in the drink after it was used to kill a prominent Oracle."

Putting the glass down, I looked, Lathi, in her nonexistent eyes, only seeing the light of a cold blue flame. "Okay, this is getting too weird for me. What exactly are you, and how are you even here?"

She picked up the now empty glass and began cleaning it with a dirty rag. "None of that is important, but to give you an answer, I'm not actually here, and nor are you. It's best not to ask too many questions, or risk drawing the attention of those who are best left forgotten. But as to why we were talking, it's rather simple. Well not simple at all, but knowing why that will require too many questions. So let's just say that you're now mentally and physically ready to accept something you always had, but never understood."

"What? That doesn't make sense?" I snarled.

But Lathi shrugged and told me, "it's not meant to, Star. Magic is like that. From how eather ponies are connected to the world itself, the pegasus the sky, and unicorns with magic. Though you wouldn't know that with how your connection is with the water, having lived in such a dry place, and under the hoof of the evil eye. Though, in part, that too had always been in you."

This was starting to make my head hurt, "I still don't understand?"

"Then maybe you should read a book, you know, the one you've kept with you ever since Prism Paint whisked you away." She told me with a disturbing smile, then reached out her hoof. In it was a brass ring with a lens in the middle. "It's high tide I give you this back. I do not know how Setting Sun managed to break the Oracle's Eye, but as promised, it is fixed, and yours once more."

I recognized it, the gift my father gave to me, and on it, engraved in very old ponish, was my name. "H… how?" I asked Lathi.

But I found myself back in Tato Town, surrounded by cruel joke. Strangely I could see now, even though it was still dark around me, my eyes seem to easily taking what little lite was available. I was also standing in a large circle of mushrooms, in which any cruel joke vine that entered seemed to turn into a pink pokodotted plant vine.

"A bit early, but happy birthday Star. May you live long and when your time comes, you can embrace death as a friend." Lathi's cold voice was like the wind, brezing past me and into the distance.

Looking at my own hoof, the brass nautical map lens was real, heavy in my hoof. Still unsure of my own sanity, I pressed the lens up to my eye, looking through it.

The world warped through the lens, and strange lights could be seen flickering as the world came into focus, if a bit blurry.Then I saw them, hoofprints, glowing with a light that wisped up into the wind. My own were red, with some blue and green in it. Another set was pail, colorless, and broken. But one, a warm looking orange, it had harsh lines of blue twisting all through it, jagged just like the cruel joke.

Following what I suspected was Warm Front's hoof prints, they then went up, the prints suspended in the air.

Putting the Oracle's Eye down, I looked at where the hoof prints had run too, but saw nothing but a tangle of cruel joke. My E.F.S. told me that she was in the direction I was looking, but not where she was exactly. Lifting the lens to my eye again, there I saw her outline, the mare looking right at me.

Knowing what came next, I put the lens into a pocket of my vest, and pulled up my Outlaw. She was expecting me to trot around the mess of vines to find her, opening myself for an ambush, but that wasn't going to happen.

As my Outlaw let out a long burst of 10mm bullets, Warm Front came charging out screaming, two rusty knives strapped to her front hooves.

She was riddled with holes, but it hadn't slowed her down at all. The two knives buried themselves into my legs as my magazine ran dry. But fortunately for me, Warm Front wasn't that strong, and the knives didn't go deep. Headbutting the bitch, knocking the shocked bitch back.

Checking myself, the cuts were far from superficial, but nothing major was hit, so I was still good.

"You!" The bitch screeched. Despite having way too many holes in her, she was barely bleeding. And to my own shock, from each hole a blue thorn would then emerge. "My children have accepted you! You will bear me grandchildren within your womb!"

I rolled my eyes at the mad mare. "Get in fucking line bitch. I know of at least seven stallions who wanted to impregnate me, three who tried, and one other pegasus bitch that wants the same as you!"

Actual shock then came across her face as she seemed to have a moment of clarity. "Wait, you mean rape? That's horrible!"

The thorns in Warm Front then grew, causing the mare to groan in pain. "Yes, I mustn't forget. My children, they need to grow!"

Don't know why she ended up indebted to Quicktrot, but I could understand that what she became was not her choice, and she was already beyond salvation. All that was left was to put her out of her mercy.

So again I drew my cutlass and charged.

Charging herself, Warm Front attempted to block me with one of her knives, and attack with the other. But my cutlass was no ordinary metal, but was a Mithril alloy, and cut through her scrap iron like it was nothing, taking the hoof with it.

Losing her balance and crashing into the mud, Warm Front screamed as she looked at her now missing hoof. But the screaming quickly stopped as vines crept out of the stump, forming a blue thorned hoof.

She then charged again, screeching with madness. Her movements had no skill, no forethought, just a bloodlust to hold me down and let her vines violate me. But my cosmic cutlass cut through her like it cut through the vines.

Another leg here, a wing there, half her face. She was quickly becoming more cruel joke then pony… maybe she was already that far gone, and I was just cutting off a skin suit.

But one thing was clear, she wasn't dieing. And if this kept going, I would eventually fuck up, and shed get what she wanted. But she was getting more and more primal, probably because half her face went flying off. So where my own skills failed, I did have one thing to fall back onto.

My friends.

"You know what, bitch, I've had enough of this, you and your bastard child can go rot, goodbye!" I mocking said befor running off, using my E.F.S. to point me towards my friends.

Warm Front let out a scream that was barely pony like anymore and chased after me.

Using my cutlass to burst out through a clump of blue bramble vines, my eyes winced as I finally found myself back in the open field of dead Tato trees, where Rook and Pyrope waited. "Don't get close to the bitch, she's a trotting cruel joke bush!" I yelled out the warning.

As soon as the plant infested mare burst out herself, she was shot several times by Rook and Pyrope, but it didn't even slow down.

The mad mare was still focused on me, which I wanted. "I bet your children can't even read!" I continued to mock her as I jumped over a trench.

I could see it, the Smuggler as it drove closer, Harp at the Aeternus. Jumping the second trench, Warm Front screeched as she still followed. My lungs were now starting to burn as I ran as hard as possible, doing my best to stay ahead of the bitch.

Jumping the last trench, I could see Harps face fill with horror at whatever was behind me. Slowtrot too as he began driving the Smuggler in reverse. Jumping onto the hood of the smuggler, and hopping over Slowtrot, I quickly climbed into the gunners nest and pushed Harp back.

"Thanks-for-coming, now-I-got-a-bitch-to-kill." I said quickly as I took hold of the Aeternus. Now looking back at Warm Front, I even froze in shock. The vines were bursting out her back and had formed two large wings, which she used to take flight, of which she was now diving bombing at us.

Time then slowed to a crawl as the S.A.T.S. of my pipbuck activated without my input, bathing everything in a digital green. Warm Front had nearly reached me, and I would not have been able to get a shot off as I had hoped. Not without help that is.

A little icon appeared over Warm Front, it being Harp's cutie-mark, and painted the bitch in red. Harp had known there was no time and activated our linked S.A.T.S. forcing Harp, Slowtrot, and I into this slowed state of time. Using her ability to ping commands, both Slowtrot and I followed Harps instructions, which for me was simple. Kill the bitch!

Time started to reassert itself, and I felt the smuggler lurch to the side as Slowtrot sharply turned the vehicle, which gave us enough space for Warm Front to miss her attack. From Harp, power then coursed through me and into the Aeternus, the cylinder housing the three beam talismans glowing brighter than ever as I aimed it at Warm Front.

Like many thorn tentacles, the vines whipped around from the pegasus's body, latching onto the ground and pulling with tension before launching her in my direction. Like a screaching monster from a night terror, she flew with her mouth open wide, all her teeth replaced by blue thorns.

I pulled the trigger, and it was like a pink sun had been born. The Aeternus blasted faster and brighter then any weapon I had ever seen before, acting more like a magical gatling cannon then what it actually was. Then as almost as soon as it started, the Aeternus went dark, the sound of shattered talismans rattling inside the case that housed it.

Warm Front was nowhere to be seen, only the smell of burnt fur and plant matter lingering in the air.

I checked my E.F.S. and even pulled out my lens, but nothing was to be found.

"Sh… should I say it? I rather not jinx it." I asked, still unsure if we had killed her.

An exhausted looking Harp took a moment to catch her breath, breathing in deeply, then letting out a quivering breath. "Y…ya, I don't feel the magic that thing was giving off any more… the fuck was it anyways?"

"That was Warm Front." I told her. "By the way, I think we overdid it. The Aeternus is dead."

She nodded. "S… sorry. I might have gotten freaked out and threw all I had at her."

I let out a chuckle, "ya, you and me both. But what are we going to do with the Aeternus now?"

Harp put her hoof to it, and some power returned, but no pink glow came from it. "I think it's still fine on the inside, we just need some new beam talismans."

"Easier said than done. MEW's didn't become less scared after the enclave fel, yaknow." I informed my friends.

"I know." Harp said, spounding down.

"Hay! Look at this!" Slowtrot called out, holding a rusty, and now burnt pipbuck 3000.

Both Harp and I jumped out of the Smuggler and quickly joined Slowtrot. Up close, the pipbuck was in even worst condition then I had thought. A cracked screen, partially melted metal, two buttons had gone missing.

"Stable-Tec built everything to last." Slowtrot said as he passed it over to Harp. "But they clearly didn't anticipate you."

For a moment, Harp looked a bit embarrassed, but then focused on the pipbuck herself. "Well I am of royal blood, so my magic is a bit more potent." She then pulled out a cable, plugging the damaged pipbuck into her own. "Order, can you recover where this pipbuck has been?"

"Sorry Lady Harp, this pipbuck is empty." Order spoke through her pipbuck.

"Empty as in damaged? Even so, something should still be in there?" Harp further asked.

Her pipbuck screen flashed a big "X" on it. "No lady Harp, empty as erased. The spell matrix has been wiped, and the circuits overloaded. And no, none from your attack, you only managed to damage the outer casing of the pipbuck."

Harp let out an annoyed sigh as she tossed the dead pipbuck away. "Ya know what, why don't we just call it a day, and get the fuck out of here." Her frustration was palatable, and I felt the same way.

"After we burn this place down, and get me and my son back to Amethyst Sands." Rook said as she joined us.

"Naturally." Harp responded. "Maybe even knock a tooth out of Lean Year's jaw. Been wanting to do that since we met at the Ruffled Feathers."

Rook raised an eyebrow. "Oh, did the two of you-"

"FUCK NO!" Both Harp and I said in unison.

"I mean, I just worked as a hostess for a short bit." Harp explained. "I didn't go near the brothel."

"Until that railway mare came through you mean." I said, giving Harp a light jab.

Rook looked rather confused for a short moment. "Oh, I thought you, ya know, had a thing for." She then tilted her head towards Pyrope, who only now was joining us.

"Say what now?" The bandit asked.

"Rook here thought that-" I began to explain, but Harp shoved her hoof in my mouth.

"Just talking about how to start burning this place down. With all the cruel joke and all, only Star can get close without getting messed up." Harp quickly told the bandit.

Pyrope looked back at Tato Town and nodded. "Ya, maybe start with the shed first, should have a lot of flammable supplies in there. Also, as my Pa would say, you don't want to know what's in another pony's shed, best burn it down or leave it be."

"Not sure it's the same, but my mother would say something similar about hidden rooms. Vaults are for treasure, hidden rooms are for secrets, and only one doesn't require your head on a pike to be returned." My friend said without a hint in her tone about the dark implications of it.

"My dad would just say, mind your own damn business." Slowtrot added.

I shrugged, unsure why we were talking about this anymore. "So about that fire?"

"Ya, if you could. Burn down the shed. It would start a good fire to help burn everything else down." Pyrope told me.

Looking at the blue bramble covered buildings, I couldn't help but feel a bit excited about burning down a whole town. And this time I'm doing it for a good cause then in teenage anger.

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