Pinketosis

On a beautiful Sunday in summer, Pinkie Pie sat at one of Ponyville’s many outdoor cafes, sipping coffee and catching up with her old friend Rainbow Dash, who’d just come back to town after a long tour with the Wonderbolts. “Catching up” actually meant listening to her friend brag, but Pinkie didn’t mind at all — Rainbow Dash was totally awesome!

“It was the best tour ever!” the blue pegasus boasted. “I swear, I dunno how the Wonderbolts ever got along without me.” She looked around her busy home town. “I’m glad Ponyville hasn’t burned down... again.”

“It was pretty close a couple of times!” Pinkie chimed in.

Dash leaned back in her chair. “I never thought I’d say this, but enough about me! How are things with you and Cheese Sandwich?”

“OK, I guess.” Pinkie poured sugar into her coffee. “He’s spending a month in Yakyakistan, teaching the yaks about practical jokes.” Pinkie looked at the ground sadly as her cup overflowed with sugar. “He won’t be back for another week! I really really miss him, Rainbow Dash.”

“Awww, I know.” The speedster nodded sympathetically. “It sucks when life takes you away from your special somepony. But at least the yaks are learning more about laughter, and it’s just one more week!”

Pinkie tossed the contents of her coffee cup into her mouth. “I need your help,” she croaked. “I baked a dozen croissants, and then I realized I didn’t have anypony to share them with!”

“Say no more!” Rainbow Dash put a comforting hoof on Pinkie’s wither. “I’ll totally help you deliver those croissants to our friends! It’ll be done in a flash!”

“Erm...” Pinkie shrank in her seat.

“That’s what you meant, right, by needing my help?”

“I ate them!” Pinkie confessed. “I was so lonely I ate all the croissants by myself! And the cookies I stress baked, and the pies I stress baked because I ate the cookies, and the big cake I made that said ‘Welcome Back Cheese!’ It all ended up here!” Pinkie swung her hips around and shoved her balloon spangled plot into her friend’s face.

“Whoa!” A pink blush spread sympathetically across Rainbow Dash’s cheeks as she barely dodged her friend’s pink ass. “Not that I’m complaining, but come on, Pinkie, I’m happily married!”

“I’m fat, Rainbow Dash!” Pinkie sobbed. “I let myself go while Cheese was away, and now I’m nothing but a big pink blob!”

“Hold on, Pinkie.” Rainbow Dash opened up her saddlebag. “Applejack made me some flash cards so I could get through awkward conversations without triggering a friendship problem.” The blue pegasus flipped through a large stack of cards. “Let’s see... Fluttershy’s body odour, Starlight’s evil past, Twilight’s Twilighting... ah! Pinkie’s weight!”

“Ooh, I get a card?” Pinkie leaned over, trying to read what Applejack had written about her.

“Actually, a lot of these are yours. Let’s stick to this one for now.” Rainbow Dash read off the card her wife had prepared for her. “Pinkie, remember that weight is just a number! You can be healthy at any size!”

“Healthy, shmealthy! I’m healthy as a horse, which I am, but I can’t fit into my little black dress anymore! I tried it on to practice my cum-hither look, and it wouldn’t go up my thighs! And my hips? Forget it! That cake was the last straw! Oh, and all that straw I ate didn’t help.”

“Somehow I don’t think Cheese Sandwich will mind,” Rainbow Dash assured Pinkie. The pegasus thought back to last Nightmare Night, when she’d bonded with Cheese over a night of hilarious pranks, and the very risqué confession he’d shared with her as they walked together towards his voluptuous marefriend’s midnight dance party. “Yeah, he’ll probably just see more of you to love!”

“But this is my fuck-me dress!” Pinkie screamed. “How will Cheese know I want him to fuck me if I can’t fit into the dress?”

Rainbow Dash looked around with embarrassment at the staring townsfolk. “How do you want me to help?” she quietly asked her friend. “The only thing I know about dresses is that they suck!”

“You’re such a skinny little twig! You don’t even have anything for Applejack to grab on to! How do you do it?”

“Hey, Applejack says I’ve got plenty!” Rainbow Dash snorted and put away her flash cards. “Could you ask Rarity to let the dress out a little? Or a lot?”

“Listen to yourself, Dashie! You want me to ask Rarity to change one of her designs?”

“Hrm, yeah, that’s a no. What’s your exercise routine look like? Maybe we could change that up. Being your personal trainer could be pretty awesome!”

“Ooh, yeah, you’d be proud, I exercise a lot! Every morning I do bondage stretches, and dildo squats, and the tushie plug!

“That’s a good start,” Rainbow Dash admitted, “but do you do any exercises that aren’t just masturbation?”

Pinkie pursed her lips. “I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond to it.”

“Maybe we should consult a professional. I’ll go with you to talk to Dr. Stable. I’m sure he’ll recommend some moderate changes to your lifestyle that’ll set you on a good path.”

“Do I look like I need a moderate change to my lifestyle?” Pinkie waved her hooves around desperately. “I need a huge change to my tummy and hips, by Saturday! Hey, do you think Cheese would notice if I switched bodies with Maud and painted myself pink?”

Reluctantly, Rainbow Dash set her coffee cup down. “Pinkie, I didn’t want to go there, but a body swap sounds like a full blown 22 minute friendship problem in the making, so I do have one other idea.”

“Yyyeeesss?”

“Gilda told me about something called the Griffonstone Diet, where you stop eating sugar and grains. She says it’s great for weight loss.”

Tears flowed from Pinkie’s eyes as the mental parade of dancing pies that filled her daydreams began to fade away. “Not interested!” she sobbed. “Come back, pie friends! She’s not serious! She just hates pie!”

“Wait, I haven’t gotten to the good part!” Dash hastened to add. “You can have as much protein as you want, and lots of fat! You like fat, right?”

“I sure do! But... protein and fat? Doesn’t that mean meat?” Pinkie’s cunny winked violently as the forbidden word brought up memories of Cheese Sandwich’s mighty dick pounding permanent Pinkie-shaped dents into her mattress. “Dash, do you really think I should try eating meat?”

Rainbow Dash quickly checked the tags on this story to make sure that it said Porn and not Gore. “It doesn’t have to be meat!” she reassured her friend. “That’s just how a griffon would do the diet.”

“What’s a Pinkie Pie supposed to do?” Pinkie felt so very hopeless! Pie or cock... oh, why should a mare have to choose?

“Maybe you could cook a nice stew of beans and greens and heavy cream?”

Pinkie retched and pressed a hoof against her mouth to keep her breakfast (two cupcakes and a banana split) from making an encore appearance. “Jeepers, Dash! Are you trying to give me the fruity-toots?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Hey, you shot down all my sensible Applejack ideas, so all I have left is reckless Rainbow Dash ideas.”

“Dang, there’s got to be some other way! What if I cut down to seven cupcakes a day?”

“Erm... how many cupcakes do you eat now?”

Pinkie looked around suspiciously. “How many do you eat?”

“I usually split one with AJ after supper.”

“Awww! That’s so wholesome, yet sad and bizarre behaviour!”

Dash sneaked another peak at her flash cards. “Pinkie, my official advice is to ask Cheese Sandwich to accept your body as it is.” She leaned forward and whispered: “But my awesome advice is to go full Griffonstone, lose ten pounds in a week, shove your plot into that dress and get you some!”

“Alright, I’ll do it!” Pinkie hugged her friend. “Griffonstone, here I come! Thanks, Rainbow Dash! You’re the best!”

Rainbow Dash posed and preened her wings. “Yeah, I am, aren’t I?”