Perhaps

Storm clouds swirled overhead. I couldn’t see more than 5 feet ahead of me. None of that mattered, though. I had to reach her in time! Her last letter had been incoherent enough; she was on her last ropes; that thought alone gave me a visual that brought me to tears immediately. I shook my head for a few seconds to calm down; I had to stay focused! This damn storm was giving me too much wind to fly through. I thought there wasn’t one of these things scheduled until next week!! I resolved to talk to the weather factory if I was strong enough to survive this…

I am vaguely aware of a screaming voice above me…

I approached her house, now swaying in the wind, pelted with hail. I was terrified of what I’d find inside; would she be there?

The voice is stronger now. I can’t make out what it’s saying…

The door came down when I tried pushing on it to see if it was open. The house was too dark for me to really see anything. But there was something at the end of the hallway. It wasn’t a body, but a picture. I picked it up to get a better look: it was my sister and I, smiling. That must have been taken years ago, back when we still lived here. It was too long ago for me to see any truth in those smiles. I knew they were fake, but I couldn’t help but cry…

The voice is frantically belting my name. No, she is frantically belting my name…

I looked up, and noticed that the storm had stopped. There was no sound whatsoever, in fact. It was quiet enough for me to hear a pin drop from three clouds over. Quiet enough that I was able to hear creaking floorboards.

Quiet enough for me to hear choking noises coming from upstairs…

I try to open my eyes, move ANYTHING! I want her to know that I’m still here, still alive. For some reason, I can’t seem to do anything except listen to her crying, feel her tears stream onto my face and chest, and scream silently in my head…

I rushed upstairs as fast as I could, crying the whole time. ‘Why haven’t I been here in so long,’ I asked myself. I knew exactly why, but didn’t answer. I knew that the truth would tear me apart. The truth would kill me as surely as it was killing her. Perhaps she was still alive, but I knew how likely that was. The drinking had made her irrational, angry, depressed. I knew in my heart what was waiting for me in that room, but I tried to ignore it. I tried to spare myself…

“I waited for him to come. The letters I sent were more than enough to get him worrying. I hoped he would show up and save me from myself any day. But days, weeks, and months went by with no sign of him. I knew the only way to get his attention was that last message. That last letter I had written him only days ago. I had already made the arrangements for the storm, but only for the arrival, not what happened afterward. After it got out of control, the other Pegasi went to tame it again, and I was left alone. Alone with my thoughts, with my sickness, with the voices constantly telling me how pathetic I am.

“And why can’t they be right? I am a waste of space! All I’ve ever done is make their lives miserable…make my life Hell. I deserved to die…”

The upstairs hallway always seemed longer than it really was when I was a foal, but now, it was miles long to me. I wondered how anypony could possibly live in this accursed house. Then I remembered who was at the end of it, and yelled at myself for thinking that of her. There was no feeling left in me; I could only smell the vodka of months, the vomit from years ago, and other stenches that I’m sure will eventually make me pass out. I wasn’t prepared for what was behind that door, and I knew it.

I ran. Likely faster than I had ever run in my life. All I knew was that I had to reach that door in time. If I knew her, she was probably dead by now, but I wouldn’t allow myself to think that. I couldn’t face that truth! Was it possible that, after all this time, after all the crap she put me and Rain through, that I still loved her? Did I still see her as somepony I could trust and talk to? Perhaps…

I heard screams from inside the door to my left and burst through it without thinking. I was in my old room. It brought back too much for me to handle at once. I started crying, seizing, and blacking out, all at once. It was more hell than I thought I could experience. This was why I hadn’t visited in so long: the memories entombed in the rooms of this home were toxic to what was left of my sanity. Seeing this room, exactly the same as I had left it when I ran away so long ago, threw that remaining grip out the window.

That chair. That wooden rocking chair. There was always terror hidden somewhere in it, with the creaking noise it made when anything heavier than one of my feathers landed on it. The bed still had the straps on it. My bed was still its own torture chamber, and I was staring at it for the first time in years. The closet where I would spend most nights in fear of my own father seems so small now, so unforgiving. I sat in it for old times sake. It felt like an eternity, but only turned out o be slightly less. I turned to the clock, still ticking away the seconds of my life. It was 8:14, only 10 minutes since I’d arrived. That didn’t seem possible, but since when is anything logical in my family? I exit the room, and immediately hear the screams again. I double over as I realize what I’m hearing.

I am listening to my own voice…

“I heard him screaming down the hall, and I knew he’d found his old room. I left it that way because it hurt me too much to go inside; it reminded me of him. Of his face that last night before he and my daughter ran away. In his entire time here, I never told him how much I loved him, how much I wanted him with me.

“I never got the courage to ask him to stay after Thunder left. I have spent so long hating myself for not being there for him.

“I hate myself for not being a mother to you both.”

I finally reached the end door. The door to my parents’ old room. The room she hadn’t left in years, from the sound of her letters. It took all my courage to open the door. What I saw both brought me back to reality and tore me apart. She was there, covered in blood, a knife laying beside her. As I approached, I realized something odd…I couldn’t place it at first. The strange placement of the body, flowing blood, pan—SHE WAS STILL ALIVE!!

“Mom?!?!”

“…” She either was unable or unwilling to speak. I prayed for the former, for her sake and for mine.

“Mom!! Please!” The tears were flowing unhindered by now. Seeing her like this, the happy mare I had known growing up, torn up to the point of suicide, broke my heart into even more pieces than it had splintered into upon reading that last letter.

“D-did you g-get it?” I smiled in spite of myself. She could speak!!

“Yes,” I said, crying. “I got it this morning, and flew over as soon as I finished reading it. I’m so, so sorry about everything. I never meant to hurt you! I only wanted what was best for Rai—“ I stopped myself before bringing her into this. My mom had already suffered enough.

I stayed with her, talking for what seemed like hours. We caught up on life. I learned that my dad had died about a year before, and that mom was seeing somepony else. Eventually, she fell asleep, and I decided to rest, as well. It had been a long enough day. I woke up with the sunshine in my eyes. When the medics finally arrived, I tried to wake her up, but it was too late.

She was already gone…

My Dearest Daughter,

I know life hasn’t been kind to either of you, but I hope you realize that I love you very, very much. I’m so sorry for this, but it’s the only way for me to let go of the past. I would write to Lightning again, but I know he’ll never listen to me as long as he lives. It’s his nature. I don’t think you’ll ever know how like his father he really is.

I wanted nothing more than your love. I never deserved much, but I hoped I did earn that at least. I waited so long for a letter, a visit, anything, but never got any of it. After a while, my friends started ignoring me. I haven’t had a visitor in over a year.

I waited for him to come. The letters I sent were more than enough to get him worrying. I hoped he would show up and save me from myself any day. But days, weeks, and months went by with no sign of him. I knew the only way to get his attention was that last message. That last letter I had written him only days ago. I had already made the arrangements for the storm, but only for the arrival, not what happened afterward. After it got out of control, the other Pegasi went to tame it again, and I was left alone. Alone with my thoughts, with my sickness, with the voices constantly telling me how pathetic I am.

And why can’t they be right? I am a waste of space! All I’ve ever done is make your lives miserable…make my life Hell. I deserved to die. I still do.

I want to die because of what I didn’t do to protect you both. I left Lightning’s room the same as the last night he spent in it. I left it that way because it hurt me too much to go inside; it reminded me of him. Of his face that last night before he and my daughter ran away. In his entire time here, I never told him how much I loved him, how much I wanted him with me.

I never got the courage to ask him to stay after Thunder left. I have spent so long hating myself for not being there for him.

I hate myself for not being a mother to you both.

I can only hope that you’ll forgive me for not being there for you. It’s been too long since I’ve been able to maintain my composure when saying that my children are still out there somewhere, living their lives without me. I’d hoped I could move on someday, but I have given up hope of that ever happening. I only hope that, in time, you can forgive me. Please, Rain. Give me that much.

Love Always,
Cloud Runner

Rainbow Dash woke later than usual. She noticed three things. One, Lightning was gone. Two, the sky was darker than usual. Three, there was a poorly hand-written letter on the kitchen table.

She started to read it…