Kind Hands

Thankfully, the journey back to the bedroom was without incident. Sure, there were bright lights and the sounds of holier-than-thou ponies enjoying the festivities, but there were ways of getting around without causing a scene. God knows, I needed to stay away.

Difficulties arose once I’d stepped through the doorway. The room was draped in darkness and dead-quiet, although I could thankfully hear the faintest sound of snoring from one of the beds. Eva seemed to be just where I’d left her.

No, that wasn’t the problem; sat in the corner, comforted by a dwindling candlelight, was Twilight Sparkle. I initially didn’t acknowledge her out of shame, but I could feel her eyes following me as I silently placed Eve under the covers. Discord’s magic must’ve done a number on the little girl.

“I wanted to wait with her until you got back,” Twilight explained from behind me. I heard her stand up, and the familiar sound of approaching hooves indicated that she was closing the distance between us. The mare’s movements suggested that she had topics to discuss.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I calmly replied in attempt at shutting the conversation down before it started. Everything from the drinking to the fight to Discord…I wanted to put all this behind me.

In Twilight’s mind, though, this was something that couldn’t wait. “But we need to,” she softly clarified, no anger or irritation in her voice despite its urgency.

I still had my doubts, but the…almost betrayed look on the mare’s face told me otherwise. Therefore, with a sigh, I wordlessly went over to my room’s balcony and opened the door to it, gesturing for Twilight to follow me through.

A blast of cooler air greeted me as I thrust the door open. The landscape behind it was largely quaint and understated, enveloped in darkness. Only the scenery directly below me contrasted with the silence, as the Gala looked to be reaching its own miniature conclusion.

“Close the door behind you,” I quietly informed Twilight while taking in the view. Once I’d heard her do what I’d asked, I turned to face her, noting the pain that she continued to portray. If anything, the feeling seemed even more intense than before. “So, what’s up?”

Twilight shut the door behind her while still keeping her eyes on me. Once the sound of its closing reached her ears, she began to talk. “How can you be so calm after tonight?” she shakily asked me, managing to sound both crestfallen and moments away from exploding with anger. “You tried to kill somepony.”

If the following body language was any indication, she was far more sorrowful than seething. I suppose it was the shock of the whole thing; I can’t imagine she’s witnessed many standoffs, so this may well have been the perfect time for her to shamefully hang her head on my behalf.

And it wasn’t as if I was at all pleased with how the night had turned out. I didn’t really have the words nor the arrogance to even try to justify it. I wanted to tell her that she was overreacting- that the whole display was an intimidation tactic or something- but I just couldn’t find the will to say it. I knew that I was wrong.

So, in this pivotal moment, I just stood there. My blank stare must’ve gotten to Twilight at some point, as she carried on from where she’d left off, the shaking in her voice now doubled. “You told me that we were going to make things better together...”

Given how the mare’s voice trailed off towards the end of her sentence, it sounded like Twilight wanted to say more than she actually did. I know that I also wanted to say things- but with all the people I’d met, the damage I’d caused…and that fucking trickster’s words still fresh in my mind, I lacked the strength.

“I don’t know. I’ve used all my energy today.”

I ended that statement with an attempt at turning away from Twilight and returning my gaze to the landscape behind me. However, I only made it halfway, as my arm was hastily grabbed by the mare’s forehooves, and I was quickly spun back around to face her. “No- I’m not letting you close off again because this is what happens when you keep things to yourself.”

She was sporting a slight glare, but anybody could tell that it was for show. Her hooves shifted from my arm onto my stomach, where they stayed due to neither of us making an attempt to adjust. “You did it for me, so I’m doing it for you,” the mare softly reassured me, her words still melancholy yet spoken by somepony who had clearly made up their mind. In every aspect, there was no getting away from it this time.

“Tell me what you want to know,” I requested of the mare, hoping that she’d take the lead again. Due to the dejected way that she’d begun this conversation, I was hoping that handing her the reigns would be enough to rekindle her enthusiasm. If anything, though, this just upset her further.

“I don’t want to know anything. Just talk to me, please! Tell me something!”

Those big eyes of hers were somehow even more expressive than her voice was. The way that they pleaded with me to speak alongside the tears that they were ready to produce provided a solitary request that I would always have struggled to turn down. I guess if she wanted a pity-party, she was going to get one.

“Every now-and-then, I dream about my old life,” I solemnly began. “I have a laugh with my mates, or I get to see my mum again. I run a million miles in my mind, but when I wake up, I’m still here. The world is cruel sometimes.”

I’d decided to just let my mind go off in a random direction and pick up the pieces as it went. Given that Twilight was like this, I needed something new- something that I hadn’t told anyone before. As expected, the mare stayed quiet and engaged, so I continued going down this way of thinking.

“It’s funny because back when I was in my early teens- back when I still lived with my mum- I used to sit under the stars a lot. I’d wait for a starry night, get dressed, pack my bag and sit on my garden wall and ask for the night sky to take me away- far away from that place. Since then, I’ve come to learn that there are worse places to be than a low-income housing estate with an apathetic parent. Perspective does wonders for the mind and its appreciation of the world. ‘Ivory towers’ and all that.”

With some regret, I pushed Twilight away from me so that I could slump to the floor. Leaning my back on the balcony behind me, I glanced up at my companion as she briefly looked unsure of an action to commit to.

“Is this the type of place that you wanted to be taken away to?” she eventually asked me, having decided to stand her ground and look down upon me.

“Maybe all the way back then. But that’s the thing: it’s different now. I didn’t get whisked away- I stayed and worked my arse off. I put everything I had into just getting through my teenage years with some modicum of self-respect and hope for the future. I’d found my purpose, and I was prepared to commit the next forty years towards helping those who need guidance the most: children.”

I was brought out of my story by the feeling of Twilight taking up the space beside me. A quick glance told me that she was clearly still listening along, and she also was yet to offer a follow-up question or comment, so I carried on from where I’d left off.

“In an ideal world, you’re supposed to be rewarded for perseverance like that- or you should at least be able to see the fruits of your labour. I wanted that job, Twilight. It would’ve been the culmination of everything that I’d worked for. And now it’s gone; I already know I can’t go back.”

I was stalling, but I found some discomfort in giving away so much information at once, particularly of this nature. Any glimpses at Twilight didn’t help, as she didn’t offer me anything exceptional. If she wasn’t currently lying on me, I would’ve just packed everything up and left.

“Few people may’ve given a shit about those two girls before all this happened- but a single, adult male disappearing from the face of the Earth for God-knows how long with a pair of four-year-old girls? I’ll never see peace again.”

In spite of everything, I laughed to myself. It was easy to imagine the type of reception that I’d receive- if I was conscious for it. The absurdity of this whole situation was still making its way into my skull, so little moments like this highlighted the absurdism and reinforced how fucked I really was. “I can never go back now, sweetheart. I’ve lost my purpose.”

I was feeling emotional as I weakly clutched at Twilight beside me. My actions garnered a hum of surprise from the mare, who subsequently returned the gesture. She stayed upright during this, and she ever-so slightly pushed away from me before giving her own input.

“I’ll never know what it’s like to taken into a different world- but you still have your purpose. You wanted to devote yourself to those who need it the most, right? Well, there’s two ponies who need you more than anything right now.”

I held back a sigh as the conversation looked likely to head in a familiar direction. “I know what you’re gonna say.”

Sadly for me, Twilight was hellbent on saying it anyway. “Then you already know it too. You may feel like you’ve lost your purpose, but your goal is still the same. It’s just that your success criteria has changed. If you can’t be their guardian, then be their guardian angel- keep them safe and they’ll keep you safe.”

My sighs increased in frequency. “You’re such an idealist,” I chuckled to Twilight. I patted my hand along her side with the intention of letting the night pass me by. “I know this doesn’t do anything to take away what happened this evening. I’m sorry.”

Once again, I’d set myself up to offer a rebuttal only to fall short at the pivotal moment. Twilight seemed to be content with just hearing me out, but that kind of made me feel worse; I wanted her to chew me to pieces over it. I don’t know- sometimes it’s easier to be told when you’re a bad person.

So, there wasn’t too much to say; if there was, I wasn’t the one to say it. Instead of engaging in rapturous debate, I was static and slumped over on what was essentially a glorified hotel balcony. The life in the landscape below me had slowed to a crawl, matching the listless atmosphere of the space around Twilight and I.

“Sometimes I wonder who’s taking care of who…” I heard Twilight mumble next to me, seemingly absentmindedly. I didn’t want to question what she meant by it.

“You want to go?” I softly asked the mare, only to receive no response. It was as if she hadn’t heard me. I’d briefly considered repeating the question, yet I imagined that this would also be entertained in the same way.

The moon was noticeably lower in the night sky by the time I stood up. How long the pair of us had realistically been there for was anyone’s guess, but the movements that we subsequently made brought discussions that hinted at light agitation. Twilight was the first to blink, asking me, “What are you going to do after this?”

I painfully stretched out my lower back while I answered. “In terms of tonight, I’m going to bed, and in terms of this whole episode…I haven’t really thought that far ahead.”

“You’re just taking every day as it comes?”

“There isn’t a better option, I don’t think. I mean, if it’s this shit now, then imagine what’ll happen when things get harder. Unless things change, soon I’ll be…”

I cut my rambling short once my mind had caught up with my mouth and informed me of the dour direction that I’d immediately veered off into. A quick check on Twilight’s condition suggested that she was also grateful for this mercy. “Still, there’s not much point losing sleep over it. You don’t get out of a hole by complaining about how high the walls are.”

With this explanation, Twilight evidently pondered for a moment. It was clear that she wanted to help, but these sorts of topics may’ve been outside of her repertoire. “Why don’t you ask the princesses for help?” she asked me, although I’m sure that she didn’t like my answer.

“Because they won’t give it to me.”

“Why not?” Twilight asked me with far more urgency than before. Unfortunately for her, I didn’t verbally answer, instead giving her a look that highlighted my growing scepticism. “You don’t trust them…”

“It’s not that,” I explained in an attempt to soothe her. “They’ve just sort of…dropped me into this situation without much of a direction. I’m out here as some part of a larger puzzle- to play the hero in this grand narrative, but to what end? Like, the other day, I was killing birds while in a muck-covered swamp. It’s hardly righteous.”

Twilight took some time to respond to this. Despite the conversation being fairly agreeable on my end, she stepped away from me with a troubled look on her face. Whatever she was feeling, she looked as if she was struggling to think of a reply, so I gave her some time to mull it over.

“But you were sent there for a reason,” she told me. “It might not be what you want right now, but the Princess’ orders keep us safe. They’re for the betterment of everypony; you were right to follow them…even if I don’t agree with them.”

It was funny: Twilight spoke with such gusto when discussing the princess, but she struggled to get the final few words out of her mouth. I could imagine that our night in the Everfree was painful for her to recall as well.

Still, I needed clarification. “According to whom?” I questioned the mare, who looked at me as if I was speaking another language. “Every order has someone who breaks it, Twilight. For lack of a better phrase, it’s what makes us human.”

Again with the hesitancy; faced with such a simple idea, the mare froze up. I really didn’t need this. “Why such intense pondering? It’s like you’ve never seen someone break the rules,” I prompted.

My attempt at coaxing the mare out of her reverie seemed to have been a wasted effort; Twilight wasn’t budging until she’d made up her mind. “What kind of world did the princess save you from?” she finally inquired after a great deal of waiting. The tone of it suggested that I wasn’t even meant to give an answer- so, of course I did so in the most disappointing way possible.

“One that I wouldn’t mind getting back to,” I replied absentmindedly. Such a comment all-but required me to turn back around and gaze wistfully at the landscape in front of me, but an extended period of silence informed me that I’d said the wrong thing. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Then, how did you mean it?” I heard from behind me. A glance backwards revealed Twilight in an increased level of intrigue, not quite upset, yet still sporting a moderate level of concern.

It felt as if I’d started something that I couldn’t just shake off with ease. I’d initially hoped that a foreboding, “Oh, don’t make me talk about this,” would’ve been enough to stem the tide, but Twilight soon came forth with fresh concern.

“I want to know.”

Still looking over the balcony, I lowered my head in frustration. “Twilight-”

“No!”

I was brought out of my jaded slump by the mare’s defiance. This time, I fully turned myself around, slightly weary of what I’d see once I’d completed the half-rotation. Thankfully, Twilight was near-enough in the same state I’d previously left her in, albeit with a larger frown. “This ‘doing it all alone’ attitude isn’t going to work anymore. If there’s something that upsets you, I want to hear about it.”

“Twilight, we just talked about it,” I stated to try and brush this conversation off before it got out of hand. “Look, I’ve just got a lot to think about. I lashed out earlier- but it’s fine.”

In case it wasn’t obvious, I had zero interest in opening up this can of worms in my current state. I was still a little woozy from the whole ordeal, and I knew that I’d end up saying the wrong thing if the palpable tension was to increase.

But Twilight had other ideas. She took a singular step in my direction, yet she managed to appear even smaller the closer she got to me. “Please don’t shut me out again.”

I knew what she wanted to do- I really did. I just…everything that’d happened tonight had left me longing for some time alone to rest. I answered with this desire in mind. “Twilight, it was one of those days.”

Again, however, this did not go down favourably with my companion. “After what you did tonight, you’re happy to stand there and tell me that attempted murder is just ‘one of those days’ for you?” she accused me, in a clear, emotional rebuttal of my own feelings.

There were so many things that I wanted to say to that, yet I decided to say none of it because that felt like the most sensible way to de-escalate the situation. “You know it wasn’t like that.”

“I can’t believe you’re trying to justify it…”

There was such a level of betrayal in Twilight’s voice that I really couldn’t find the reasoning behind. In truth, it irritated me; now wasn’t the time for theatrics. “I just want to go to bed, Twilight,” I informed the mare, my voice perhaps sounding slightly too lifeless for its own good.

“Please just apologise,” Twilight continued to assert with that bizarre reasoning of hers- slightly bitterly as well. “If you don’t want to talk to me, then please talk to Princess Celestia.”

The more she spoke, the more her reasoning seemed to ebb away to reveal half-considered pleas that were motivated mainly be emotion. I suppose I was the same, in a way. I really shouldn’t have spoken to her like I did, even after everything that’d happened. It wasn’t her fault.

“And what’s she gonna do about it? Why’s the princess the solution to every problem?!”

In one question, asked in frustration, Twilight’s expression shifted from beseeching to something much more exasperated. “Because she’s right, David!” she boldly answered, backing away from me and throwing her forehooves in front of her as part of her display of anger.

This new surge of negative emotion was surprising at the time. Simultaneously though, I’d shut down; I was just rattling off clueless insults that I’d roughly grabbed at in the red haze around the two of us. “Just because the sun shines out of her arse, it doesn’t mean that she’s got any more of a clue about this!”

Once more, Twilight took a step away from me. She was almost back inside the bedroom at this point. Her expression reflected a similar level of passivity, as if she couldn’t believe what I was saying. Granted, her head also continued to drop to the floor, again suggesting that the mare’s outrage was short-lived. “She saved you from that place and-”

“-I didn’t ask to be saved!”

The distance between the pair of us was shortened as I cried out with indignation. Getting caught in the moment, I flailed my arms around much like Twilight had while I took a few steps forward. My world had hardly been mentioned throughout this whole thing, but the implications of such comments had momentarily caused my mind to lose its function.

I waited for Twilight to give a retort or furious remark, yet she offered nothing of the sort. In a heartbreaking twist of fate, she mournfully lowered herself onto her haunches and looked up at me with teary eyes. Her ears lay flat against her head; it was clear that they had heard enough.

Such a pathetic sight helped to force some sense into my head. I didn’t know whether to cradle the mare or leap from the balcony, although neither seemed to be a more fruitful solution than the other. And as Twilight sniffled in my eyeline, I knew that too much had been said, yet I just kept on mindlessly talking.

“And I didn’t see Princess ‘do-no-wrong’ Celestia jumping out from behind the curtains and putting a stop to everything. It was just you! You were the only…fucking one.”

With this, I also fell to floor, completely spent and with nothing else to offer. I didn’t dare raise my head to view Twilight on an equal level, and the silence that descended upon us was impossible for me to fight against, but I kept trying…

“You don’t want to be here with somebody like me.”

I could only hope for a reaction to such a comment. I needed something from her. Fortunately, I did receive a reply of sorts- though not the one I wanted. “But I do. I wanted to help you,” I heard Twilight tearfully inform me as she stood up. “You’re not the only one here with a conscience; come and find me when you’ve found yours.”

From what I could hear, Twilight’s exit followed. Given the amount of time it took her to leave, I imagined a certain degree of hesitation from her, but my curiosity still didn’t outweigh my shame. The sounds of hoofbeats grew quieter and quieter, and soon the door in front of me was gently closed, cutting me off from the activity behind it.

It was only when I was certain that the mare had left that I took my gaze away from the floor. As I had both expected and feared, Twilight was no longer present, leaving an empty space that took me a few attempts to fully visualise.

I’m not sure how long I sat there for. It was long enough. After what had transpired, my energy was no more, yet no amount of sitting around was going to fix that. I knew what I needed- who I needed- and I’d just pushed her to one side, just like she’d feared I would.

Can I still blame it on the alcohol?