Author's Note

Wow... just wow. O.O

As I've pointed out in my comments responding to you all, I wasn't expecting such a positive review of this story. Honestly, it feels like I'm little more than an ant underneath a giant magnifying glass now. I am beyond nervicited, and burgeoning into terrified territory.

This chapter was 80-90% written when I posted the first chapter, so surprise? I'm unsure if this should count as the August chapter (since #1 was sitting partially edited for months) or if I should say this is September's addition, a little early.

We'll see by the end of September if I manage to write up another chapter, because screw it! Who needs a chapter buffer anyway? :D

Regardless, thank you all very much for reading this, whether you like it or dislike it. And for putting up with my random thoughts. Now... back to the chapter that'll either make or break this story, maybe?

2. Rat in a Maze

(October 15th: 1st Day Since Capture)

Warmth.

It was such a simple, all-encompassing feeling that Neil unconsciously relished in his half-asleep state. That wasn't to say he woke up cold in his crate. His fur was more than enough to keep him warm despite its unclean state and being up on a mountain. But after sleeping for weeks without any creature comforts, nothing could compare to the bubble of warmth created by a simple blanket.

His body shifted, feeling something plush squish into his back instead of his spine cracking against harsh wood like normal. Wanting more, he shimmied further back, only to feel something just as soft tighten around him. A small, gluttonous part of his subconscious reached out a hand. As if to horde as much comfort as was possible to obtain within reach. But all he felt was soft cloth brush against...

Neil scrunched his eyes, doing his damnedest not to think. He was warm and comfortable. He wanted to drift away, back into a sleepy haze as he nuzzled into the pillow his body...

A single eye shot open. He took in the dim light filtering through the soft, thin, white sheet covering his entire body. He was acting as a big spoon to a silky white pillow, which his gray-furred muzzle happily burrowed into. Judging by the subtle give, he was also lying on a mattress.

He was in a bed. Worse, he was in a bed, as a pony, that he did not recognize. Given the white-on-white theme, he could also hazard a guess as to where he was. 'What the fuck happened, and where am I?'

The faint sound of rain drifted to the forefront of his mind, which triggered multiple follow-up memories. Highlighting his stupidity during the night, from listlessly waiting for Donut Joe's to close, to his idiotic chase with the guard. He remembered there was an imposing guard near the end as well. But after that? He winced as his mind sparked the memory of a migraine to end all migraines. But now? He didn't feel a thing. In fact... he couldn't even feel the cloth rubbing against his horn. His horn wasn't supposed to feel numb, but that was a problem for later.

First, he had to figure out if he was captured. The simple fact that he was in a bed pointed to a big fat yes. On the other hand, his legs weren't chained to the bed he was lying on. Regardless, there was the fact that no matter the scenario, whoever had brought him here knew about him, and more importantly, they knew what he was.

A few subtle movements allowed him to press against the sheet above him. Judging by the tension, his back end was facing towards the base of the bed. Leaving the headboard and, more importantly, easy access to his freedom close to his head. It felt weird, having a soft sheet constantly brushing up against his fur, but he poked his head out with only a little squirming.

The room he found himself in was... nearly the opposite of what he was expecting. He imagined a solid, sterile, white observation room with a locked door. The room was white, and the hospital scent hinted at it being sterile. But those were the only aspects he managed to guess correctly.

From the half he could see, two expertly carved windows were placed into the marble stonework of the walls. One was beside his bed, so he didn't have the proper angle to look through it. The second was on the far wall, revealing clear blue skies and a single extravagantly decorated white tower that faintly glowed in the sunlight. The ceiling was carved from solid white marble; whether as blocks fitted together seamlessly or a single giant slab he couldn't tell. The walls had the same treatment, at least on the upper half. The lower half, from the base of the windows to the floor, was covered in carved wooden panels painted a cheerful-looking yellow. The floor was also marble but made with large, impervious-looking tiles that held natural light purple swirls running through the stone.

As he rolled over to take a look at the other side, he spotted a door set into the opposite wall from his bed. It was a simple wooden swing door with no decorations or any discernible locks set into it or the frame. This eased his mind ever so slightly at the thought of being a prisoner. On the other hand, as he finished rolling over to scan the second half of his room, he froze.

There was another pony in the room with him.

Judging by her smaller size and rounded muzzle, this pony was a mare. She had a pale green-white coat with matching wings and a simple white nursing cap with a red cross perched in her light purple hair. She was sitting in the corner of the room on one of those cheap, uncomfortable-looking black foldable chairs with an adjustable hospital table in front of her. Half the tabletop was empty, with only a water pitcher and two cups. On the other half sat a pot of ink with a quill sticking out and a messy pile of paperwork, all of which was being ignored. Instead, she was focused on him with curious pink eyes and a small, bright smile.

"Good afternoon," She greeted with a calming, whispery voice. "My name is Fresh Mint, and I'm the on-duty nurse assigned to care for you. How are you feeling today?"

'Fucking pissed,' Was what he wanted to say, given there was at least one pony that had watched him sleep. It also spawned multiple questions. Who put him here? How many ponies did it take to move him? How many of them looked at him? Whatever the case, at least they covered him with a sheet.

Thankfully, Fresh Mint wasn't leering at him and seemed genuine when she asked, so he quickly listed everything that felt off. "Hungry, queasy, head and horn's numb," He garbled out before succumbing to a coughing fit. After which he quickly added "Dry throat" To the list, but she was already pouring a glass of water with her... wing?

It was a simple act, yet she displayed far more dexterity with her wing than anything he'd seen before. Each fragile-looking feather acted as a dexterous finger that, when combined, worked no differently from a human hand. "That sounds about right after injuring your horn. Just try to take it easy, okay?" She informed him as she set the pitcher down, hopped off her seat, and curled her feathers around the glass.

His only other example of pegasi doing anything with their wings besides flying had been a few guards patrolling the streets. They would trot along in front of his crate, with their wings fully folded against their side, just like his own, and a spear cradled against their chest.

A tiny mote of jealousy sparked inside him. Like his horn and hooves, he never figured out how to make his wings work. No matter how he twisted his body or mentally commanded the useless appendages, they remained folded at his sides. That left him thinking they worked instinctually, triggered perhaps to extend by freefalling in the air? But he wasn't stupid enough to test out that particular theory. To know that he could have been using them as a replacement for his hands...

Once she was close enough, she held the glass of water for him as he gladly gulped it down. Though there was no ice, the water was cold, crisp, and clean, making it far better than the chlorinated park fountain he had previously drunk out of. While not filling, the liquid also acted as a minor salve against the dull hunger pains in his stomach. A deep, thunderous rumble emanated from his body as he emptied the glass, demanding something more filling.

"I was going to ask if you were hungry, but I guess that answers that," Mint commented as she placed the glass onto a nightstand beside his bed. "Is there anything you want? It's a little late for lunch, but I'm sure I can grab something from the kitchens for you."

Neil cleared his throat before speaking, noting how his mellow voice sounded rough from disuse. "I, uh... Anything, I guess?" He offered, while thoughts of a steak with macaroni on the side taunted him. She did say anything... "Without flowers or hay?"

If she thought his request was odd, she didn't show it. "No flowers or hay? That sounds to me like a nice bowl of soup is in order. I'll quickly tell the Doctor you're awake, then trot to the kitchens." She told him while absentmindedly smoothing out the wrinkles on his bedsheet. "Before I go, do you want me to pour you another glass of water?"

"Yes, please," He answered while thinking over his situation. He still had no idea where he was and couldn't think of a way to ask without raising suspicions. His best guess was a hospital, though he knew about a small clinic near Joe's. If he was lucky, the guards might have dropped him off there.

Another glaring problem was that at least one pony, the nurse currently pouring another glass of water, knew he was awake. She also admitted that she was going to inform a doctor fairly soon. The first thought to pop into his head was to attack her. Her back was turned, giving him the perfect opportunity, but he quickly vetoed it. He didn't know the first thing about fighting as a pony; more importantly, he knew nothing about pony anatomy. Did pegasi have light, brittle bones to allow them flight? A hoof to the back of the head could just as quickly knock her out, piss her off, or kill her by mistake, and he wasn't a fucking killer.

Before he could think on it further, she turned around, a full glass of water in her wing that she quickly placed on the nightstand. "There you go," She assured him with an even bigger smile. "I'll be back with your food in just a few minutes."

As she turned to leave, he spoke up, making her pause for a moment before turning to face him again. "Uh... In case I feel sick, where's the nearest bathroom?"

She was quick to point it out by swivelling her head. "That would be the door behind me, near my desk." Indeed, there was a simple white door behind her that was set in the middle of the wall.

He mentally slapped himself for focusing too much on the mare and not enough on his surroundings. "Thanks, I think that's everything."

She gave him a happy nod, "Sure thing, Sweetie," Then trotted out of the room.

He ignored the name as he watched her go. The door itself swung open with a simple nudge, revealing no locks or mechanisms keeping it closed. She wove around the door, heading left.

The ticking clock had officially begun as he threw off his covers and hopped out of bed to the nearest window. What he saw quickly filled him with a sense of dread. It wasn't the open, well-kept grounds with large tracts of trimmed grass. Neither was it the yellow cobblestone paths dividing each section, leading away from the building he was currently in towards smaller buildings. No, it was the stone wall those smaller buildings were nestled against. Its height and overall shape were very familiar, being the perimeter wall for Canterlot Castle. However, seeing the support structure, ramparts, and stairs, all with guards patrolling, told him all he needed to know.

He was on the wrong side of that castle wall, leaving him with the conclusion that he was trapped inside Canterlot Castle, the very seat of power for the Celestial Dynasty. He could almost feel himself strapped down, the golden hoof of Princess Celestia pressing down imperiously on his neck. He had to get the fuck out of the castle, now!

'I'm royally fucked, both ways!' Was the only thought that popped into his head before he darted towards the exit. He could feel his heart racing and the growing sense of panic to complement how F.U.B.A.R. the situation was. Before it could get out of hand, he took a deep breath and squashed it. Panicking is what caused this situation. Just like the streets, he had to be cautious.

He poked his muzzle through the push door, just far enough to peek down both sides of the corridor. He was expecting to see multiple things. Equipment like carts full of spare bedsheets or emergency beds lining the walls. Or a pair of guards stationed to watch over his door. Instead, the marble corridor to his right was vast and empty, spanning a very long distance with plenty of doors. To his left was the exact same for the first thirty feet. An arched window told him that was a perimeter wall, along with the corridor turning right to follow.

Knowing that the nurse went left, Neil curved to the right. Was it the correct way to go? He had no idea, but it was better than running into Fresh Mint or the doctor she mentioned. Thinking of ponies and the castle staff, where were the guards? Why wasn't a guard detail watching his door to prevent this situation?

It was a little eerie as he jogged down the corridor, the only sound coming from his hooves. With each step, his ears twitched downwards as if desperate to flatten themselves and block off the distinct clack against the tile floor. He found himself in quite the conundrum. He could take it slow, but a pony might spot him before reaching the intersection hundreds of feet away. If he ran, however, he could alert an unseen pony with his obnoxiously loud clops. In the end, he opted for stealth.

He might have been able to keep a count of the doors if he had started right away. But he forgot, so he could only tell his distance travelled by the fact that after every tenth wooden door, the eleventh was a dull beige colour with supplies written on it. He stopped to take a quick look the first time he passed one. Ultimately, it was little more than a half-full linen closet, with shelves only about two feet deep and zero chance of hiding.

He passed six of those supply closets before finally making it to his first T-intersection. He snuck a quick peek around the corner, but the corridor veering off to the left was just as empty as his current one. He was left with a simple choice. He could go straight while keeping the exterior wall of the building on his right side. Despite the hallway's absurd length, he would eventually reach the other end of the building, right? Or he could turn left, head further into the building, and remove himself from the corridor his room was situated in. The very same room at least one medical pony would be visiting soon.

Between being lost or captured, Neil felt being lost was the better alternative.

This new corridor was also long, but unlike before, he could see a set of doors in the distance. As he walked closer, he also noticed an upcoming four-way intersection just before the doors. He had a few choices, but he felt poking his nose through a random door wasn't a good option when other paths were available. When he reached the intersection, he quickly checked once more for guards. Again, nothing was there except for more doors to his left. So he went right.

Left, right, straight, he did his best to build a mental map of the building, but it didn't make any sense! The corridors were insanely long, all of them, but at random lengths. The shortest he stumbled upon was 300-350 feet long. And then there was the random placement of double doors. What the hell was their purpose? Were they fire doors? A security feature? That last thought was the only reason he hadn't touched one. Yet.

It was only after his ninth turn that he spotted something new. He would have been about fifty feet deep into the new corridor when he came across a small alcove. Inside was, surprisingly, yet another door! But this one was white, which would have allowed it to blend in with the marble wall if not for two obvious details painted onto the door. A yellow sun was set at eye level, and just below it was a crescent moon, each styled exactly like the Princess' brands.

A part of him knew he shouldn't tempt fate by poking his nose through the door. But another, more significant part felt enticed after what must have been an hour of walking through identical corridors. Besides, there must have been something special about this door in particular? It was relatively hidden compared to everything else he'd passed. What if it was a passage reserved for royalty? He could use it to slip past the guards patrolling the castle halls. Deciding the risk was worth it, he bit down on the handle, twisted it, and pulled the door an eye-width open.

Purple. A substantial amount of purple stonework greeted him, whether the light purple stone floor and support columns or the bare walls carved from a darker purple stone. There was little else except for a simple red carpet wide enough to cover most of the floor. There wasn't even a hint of gold as he cautiously poked his head through.

Muffled hooves, columns to hide behind, and still no guard in sight? This new hallway was a no-brainer as he slipped through the door. Hearing the faint click behind him, he glanced back. Though he'd just walked through it, he couldn't see a single trace of a door. Instead, it was a smooth stone wall with a single red cross painted there.

Unlike the hospital ward corridors lined with doors, this hallway appeared to stretch on with little to no change. Thankfully, that perception was proven false after forty or fifty feet when he spotted another upcoming T-intersection.

As Neil approached the intersection, he took advantage of the stone column standing at the corner and hid behind it. He took a moment to listen for the clanking of armour or any other sound but didn't hear anything. Feeling pretty safe, he leaned around the column- and froze.

Not even fifteen feet away from him was a unicorn maid, judging by her frilly uniform. She was standing in the middle of the hallway facing a column roughly twenty feet away, with her rump shaking to a silent tune only she could hear. Her feather duster floated in a sunny yellow telekinetic aura, lightly brushing the area where the column met the ceiling.

Neil quickly slipped back behind his column. He had no idea if she was almost done with that particular column or the direction she would go once she was done. However, he knew he stuck out like a sore thumb with his monochrome coat. If he stayed where he was and she came this way, there was no doubt in his mind that she would spot him.

As silently as he could, Neil slipped into the open hallway. His eyes glanced between the maid and his end goal as he tread cautiously towards the closest column across the gap. Occasionally, Neil caught a glimpse of flesh underneath her bouncing blue tail but diligently ignored it. Miraculously, he crossed without incident, and the maid was no longer within his line of sight. Neil passed two more columns just to be safe before he finally released the breath he was holding.

He wasn't out of the woods yet, though, knowing how good his equine hearing was. He took things very slowly, ducking in and around columns. He also stole frequent looks behind himself, trying to spot the maid before she could spot him, but she never appeared. Eventually, he sped up to his average pace on the carpet again after roughly one hundred feet.

The next T-intersection came into view about seventy feet after that. Neil repeated his actions, hiding behind the column and taking a look. This time, however, the hallway was clear. One last look back revealed an empty hallway despite the maid he had left behind. The choice was an easy one as he turned left.

Despite his constant paranoia, he was starting to feel good about himself. Sure, he only managed to deceive a nurse and sneak by a maid. And yes, the grounds were littered with guards, unlike the inside of the castle. But so far, things were going his way. A little more luck inside of the castle, along with a fuck-tonne on the outside, and he might actually escape!

Those positive feelings had him almost prancing towards the next intersection, the first four-way split in this part of the castle. As it became routine, he darted behind the column at the corner. A quick glance across to his left showed an empty hallway. That was good enough for him to press against the stone column and slip around the edge to-.

That small, burgeoning flicker of hope shattered. Standing not even thirty feet from his position, her ethereal mane flowing as if in an unknowable breeze, stood Princess Celestia with two royal guards at her sides.

His single, terrified eye met hers as they widened a fraction, betraying her surprise before she restored her composure with a pleasant smile. Despite being so far away, he heard her clearly. "Well, isn't this a surprise?"

Neil didn't answer, opting to spin around and bolt instead. 'Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!'

At least, he tried. He made it a good thirty, maybe even forty feet before he felt a pressure surround his body, and his hooves no longer touched the ground. Looking down, his hooves mere inches from touching the red carpet, dangling uselessly. He also noted a firm, golden glow running along his belly but surprisingly diverting around his unmentionable equine areas. A quick glance over the rest of his body confirmed the same thing. He was being levitated off of the ground.

And the pony levitating him? Looking back, she stood at the intersection, her horn aglow in a brilliant golden aura. Both of her guards were still at her side, making no move to come and collect him.

Over the weeks, Neil had heard of her description from ponies in the street and even seen her photo in the occasional newspaper thrown in a trash can. Both failed to prepare him for his current reality. Despite her relaxed posture, she still held a look of majestic opulence befitting the royal leader of a country. Thanks to his new eyes, however, he could see the look of motherly worry on her muzzle clearly, betraying her otherwise perfect imperial facade.

He couldn't fathom what was going on in her mind. He didn't want to understand what was going through her mind as he started thrashing about, trying to break free from the spell constraining him. He struggled, throwing his body against the pressure as best he could as he felt his joints pop. But no matter how hard he threw his body against the mystical force, it held firm, making his efforts useless.

The entire time, Celestia and her guards just stood there, two of them watching passively.

Flecks of lathered sweat dripped off Neil and onto the carpet when he finally gave up, too tired to continue. Celestia either planned for this or took it as an opportunity because seconds after he fell limp, she spun him around to face his captor. Despite his exhaustion, he met her confused worry with his own glare.

Her melodious voice broke the silence, sounding like she was beside him despite the distance as she offered him soothing words. "I don't know what happened to you, but I promise whatever it was cannot harm you here."

Instead of answering, Neil dredged up the sudden degradation in his quality of life three weeks ago, the hardships he had to deal with on the streets, and the aches and pains he suffered through and was currently suffering. He focused on all of it, bundled those emotions together, and vented all that hatred and frustration at the immaculate princess through his glare.

Celestia's expression didn't change, but Neil still caught sight of her hair... losing some of its flow? Had he caused that, or was she doing something? He wasn't the only one to notice, either. The unicorn guard flicked her eyes towards the princess, then back at him, a slight but noticeable frown adorning her muzzle.

Despite her deflated hair, Celestia continued as if this was a typical diplomatic introduction. "Perhaps introductions are in order? My name is Princess Celestia. May I ask what your name is?"

He still gave her nothing.

"I know you can speak Equish. Corporal Hearth wrote about your choice of expressive language in her report." She told him before a rolled-up piece of parchment with a broken wax seal floated out from underneath her wing. "I received Nurse Mint's report as well a little under an hour ago, detailing your awakening and how you spoke fluently."

He couldn't help it, as a hint of sarcastic incredulity slipped into his glare as if to say, 'No duh, you Bitch.'

Contrary to his expectations, her flowing hair picked up once more as she graced him with a small smile. "Good, I was starting to worry something had happened to you between then and now. Speaking of, I apologize for holding you in place without your permission. A cracked horn is very delicate, and I didn't want to risk further injuries."

A cracked horn? His mind drifted to the numbness starting at the base of his horn. He vaguely recalled the nurse mentioning a horn injury, not that it mattered. As far as he was concerned, it was fucking useless.

After a short pause without an answer, Celestia continued. "Still, I fully understand if you're annoyed with being held against your will. I promise to release you, but I would like you to tell me your name. Is that agreeable to you?"

Neil automatically quirked an eyebrow, his glare slipping away as he considered her offer. His first instinct was to spite her. 'If I do that, I'm completely fucked. But if I agree?.. Cracked horns cause terrible migraines, right?' It was a quick and dirty plan, with a small, almost insignificant chance. But it was a chance, and he could work with that. Slowly, almost begrudgingly, he nodded.

Immediately, his surroundings blurred. He felt nothing, yet in a fraction of a second, he went from forty feet to ten feet away, at most, from the princess and her guards. Had she just teleported him? Or was her control strong enough that she could drag him that fast without effort? As he blinked away the streaks of light plaguing his vision, he felt his hooves touch the carpet. The pressure from her telekinesis still remained. Once his vision cleared, he looked to his chest, wreathed in her golden aura, then back at her with a look. 'And?'

The light from her horn faded, as well as the pressure holding him in place. Neil reacted immediately, rushing forward with a hoof raised. He could escape if he could just make contact with her horn and evade the guards.

One single step was all it took. The hallway behind the princess and her two guards suddenly shifted before Neil's eyes. Shrinking from hundreds of feet in length to less than an eighth of its size in the blink of an eye, which caused severe vertigo. He stumbled over his own hooves.

However, before he could crash head-first into the carpet, he was caught once more in Celestia's golden aura. "Are you okay?" She asked, lifting him up to his full height and holding him there.

Before he could regain his footing, let alone answer as he fought to keep down the water in his stomach, the unicorn guard at her side spoke up. "Princess, we all just saw him try to attack. Now, will you end this farce and let me throw this Stallion in the dungeon where he belongs?"

Celestia seemed to pause for a second before taking her eyes off Neil and turning to her guard. "Captain Buckler, you know I value your advice. In this case, however, I find your concerns misplaced. Something has this poor stallion terrified enough to run from the guards and myself. I simply wish to know what it is so I can help him."

Neither Captain Buckler's expression nor her tone changed as she asked, "And the attempted assault on royalty we all just witnessed?"

"I told you this morning, he could have done serious harm to Corporal Hearth and Private Echo when he had the chance. Instead, he ran. This afternoon Nurse Mint-"

Between his sudden vertigo, his subsequent nausea now enhanced by said vertigo, the mild bickering between the princess and her guard, and the fact that he was caught with no chance of escape, Neil felt the beginnings of a headache. Mix that with the anger and rage he had already drummed up and the despair from his final failed attempt at escape? Neil gave up, allowing his body to throw up a small amount of water and bile as he hung limply in her grasp. "Can you just stop with your fucking bullshit and listen to your stupid ass guard!?" He all but yelled, sputtering at the taste of bile. "Or better yet, just fucking kill me now!"

The hallway became dead silent, except for a loud gasp from behind. Even with his head hanging limply, Neil still had enough curiosity to pry his eyes off the carpet and look between his dangling legs. Despite his view being turned upside down, he still recognized the blue tail and mane of the maid he snuck by earlier, though now he could see the shocked look in her sunny yellow eyes. Had the bickering lured her in for castle gossip? Even as he was, he hoped the innocent maid wouldn't disappear after seeing him.

Before he could contemplate the maid's fate any further, Celestia addressed his most pressing demand in abject horror. "Why, in the name of Faust, would you want us to kill you?"

'She really wants to know?' He thought, once more staring at the carpet he was suspended above. It's not like it mattered anymore. Working up the remaining bile in his mouth, he spat it towards the stain already there. "I've been living on the streets of Canterlot for a while now," He informed them despondently, "Ever since that weird fucking plague. I've heard your ponies praising you for some dark and disturbing shit during that time. Honestly, between being turned to fucking stone or worse, and death, I'd rather be dead."

He was expecting her to demand specifics or do something far more imperial or politician-esque. Instead, Celestia lowered herself onto her belly to be at his eye level. "I don't know what you've heard," She admitted, "But Equestria was built on the six tenets of harmony, honesty being one of them. Please trust that no harm will come to you as long as you mean no harm to my little ponies."

"Princess!" Captain Buckler interjected, "This stallion is clearly insane if he believes-"

"Captain, enough." Despite Celestia's soft tone, the captain followed her order immediately. However, it didn't stop the shorter mare from narrowing her eyes angrily at Neil.

For the most part, Neil was trying to figure out the Princess' game. He knew enough about the tenets. Not a day passed without hearing one or more ponies praising at least one aspect of their quasi-religion. The question was, why was she trying so hard to earn his trust? Why wasn't she just removing the new political rival on her doorstep? Why wasn't she locking him down in her deepest, darkest dungeon? Why?

He couldn't understand. "...Fine," He muttered, feeling like he had just signed a deal with the devil.

Celestia's motherly smile made a return as her horn lit up. He flinch, expecting an attack at first despite her words. Instead, the taste of vomit and the stain on the carpet vanished. His nausea also disappeared. "Thank you for trusting me. Now, I believe some introductions are long overdue, Mr.?"

"Neil," He offered as she stood back up. He placed his hooves firmly underneath him and lifted his head once more. He knew every pony in the hall was watching him, waiting to see if he would bolt again. Even the maid, who had surreptitiously worked her way closer to the group while dusting columns.

"Kneel?" Princess Celestia parroted back as she released Neil from her golden aura.

His muscles tensed momentarily, half expecting the vertigo that surprised him to return. It didn't. "Close, but no. Neil. As in knee and ill, but pressed together. Neil."

"Very well Neil," She said, testing out his name again. Once he gave her a limp nod without correction, she continued. "With introductions out of the way, would you care to join me for dinner?"

"Just like that? No terms and conditions, just a let's go eat?" He snarked and was about to say more when his stomach let loose a thunderous rumble. The mention of food awakened the starving beast; this time, it would not be denied.

Celestia turned away from him, suppressing a giggle. "Yes, just like that. The castle's main dining room is this way, Neil. I would also ask that you stay close, otherwise you may trigger the defensive wards again."

Neil quickly averted his eyes towards the earth pony guard's helmet as he listened. Her flowing hair and tail looked solid up to a certain distance. But up close, with her tail less than a muzzle's distance away? There was a certain opacity that revealed a noticeable outline of parts he did not want to see.

He followed closely when she walked down the hall, aligning himself with the silent earth pony guard. "By wards, do you mean whatever bullshit it was that tripped me?"

"That can be an unintended consequence," She stated before happily expanding that tidbit into a small lecture. "Perimeter Stone's Perception Perversion Ward is quite the ingenious enchantment that affects the perception of any pony not tied into the wards, increasing the length of a corridor by tenfold. And speaking of defences," She looked to Captain Buckler, "Would you please inform the castle infirmary that their wayward patient is joining me for dinner?"

Despite having the princess between them, Neil still felt the captain's lingering glare as she complied. "At once, Princess." She then peeled off towards the infirmary, leaving an empty spot on Celestia's left side.

Princess Celestia took a right at the next intersection, and the two remaining ponies followed. "I would like to apologize for my guard captain, Neil. She may be new to her rank, but she is very devoted to the job. A little too devoted at times, as you've just seen."

Neil mentally shrugged, but otherwise, he didn't really care. "No need. Between the two of you, she was the one talking sense."

That answer had the Princess glancing back, "Oh? So you would prefer being locked up in the castle dungeons?"

Neil just shook his head. "Hell no. I'm just saying, when faced with an unknown threat, she was in the right."

"I agree," Celestia stated with a knowing smile. "Captain Buckler would be in the right if there was a threat."

Neil narrowed his eyes. Did he really appear that weak to her? "I'm pretty sure I have a spear growing out of my head."

Celestia was quick to shut down that line of thought. "I would advise against using your horn for physical combat. You've already experienced feedback from a moderate crack," She reminded, causing Neil to flinch at the faint memory. "Very few unicorns manage to survive after shattering their horn. I would be horrified to see an alicorn suffer the same way."

He could tell she meant every word, which unintentionally derailed his next escape plan. That was the one weakness he knew about, given his experience, and it could kill her? More importantly, he could have died last night! But how would he escape if he couldn't disable her horn? Or would a light punch be enough? He glared at the barely noticeable tip of his horn. 'Fucking useless head prick.'

"Neil, would you be willing to tell me about those rumours you've heard on the streets?" Celestia asked, breaking the silence and his train of thought. "I would like to clear up any misconceptions and give you some clarity if it would help."

"If you really want me to, I guess? But some of it is pretty dark. I mean, turning most of your political rivals to stone over the last thousand years?" He questioned with disbelief, "Which is fucking impossible obviously. Otherwise, you'd be a walking corpse. But the name Eris kept popping up like it's some sort of monster."

Celestia looked at him oddly but responded nonetheless. "Why, thank you, I think. I've never had anypony compliment my looks in such a back-hoofed manner. However, when it comes to the castle gardens..."

She then explained that every statue of a pony, be they commoner, noble, guard, or magician, was sculpted in the likeness of friends who had passed on over the years. 'Which was bullshit. It made far more sense that each pony was a friend to the 'Celestia' ruling in that time, before the name passed onto the next alicorn Princess. But hey, a dupe was walking along with them, so he didn't call out his captor.'

He tuned back into her lecture as Celestia explained that her garden was built around the only prisoner ever kept within. Eris, the Spirit of Chaos was her name. A creature with the power to warp reality and do anything she could think of with a snap of her claws.

Equestria itself was a fledgling country, still struggling to find its identity. It was theorized that the confusion and disharmony between the pony tribes, as they slowly learned to work together as a whole society, was the chaos that initially caught Eris' attention. Once she was there, however, she quickly blanketed the land with her own brand of insanity.

Celestia then explained the many oddities from that time, describing them in such detail that Neil could see why ponies thought she lived through it. Most of her examples were cruel pranks her ponies suffered from under Eris' chaotic rule. Other examples related to animals fused together to create monstrosities, like the manticores and cockatrices of the Everfree. Some ponies lived under Eris' control to the point that they would be driven insane. Either frolicking in the cruelty or spreading even more on helpless victims. And when Eris had trouble finding new toys to play with in an area? A snap of her fingers could drive the local herds into an estrus-induced sexual frenzy.

Princess Celestia's best scholars believed that Eris ruled for over a century before Celestia and her sister, Luna, found a means of defeating Eris. Neil presumed these were the ancestors of Celestia, who started the royal dynasty. The result was the Spirit's petrification into stone on the flat mountain plateau that would later become the gardens for Canterlot Castle. Celestia and Luna were then crowned as rulers over the crumbling remains of Equestria, opting to take the title of Princess, and the rest was history.

Until Eris broke free from her stone prison the previous spring. Celestia had expected her to do as before, spreading chaos throughout Equestria. Instead, Eris showed unusual restraint by challenging Celestia's student and her friends to a high-stakes game. And the prize? The artifacts known as the Elements of Harmony, Weapons, Neil idly noted, that had initially petrified her. In the end, her student won, and Eris was once more a statue.

... Only for Celestia to go insane and release Eris a month later with the intent of reforming the Spirit of Chaos. The way she described the results was mixed but promising, despite Eris' recent relapse (whatever that was).

"... Just remember, if you ever run into Eris, I strongly suggest caution when dealing with her. She can be very... forward when dealing with stallions of any kind."

By that point, Celestia had led them to an ornate-looking set of double doors either carved from a dark wood or stained to appear like it. Each entry had a decent-sized arched window depicting one of the Princess' brands with stained glass. However, Neil didn't have long to look before they were enveloped with Celestia's golden aura and opened.

Neil had seen the spindly-looking stone bridges built between the castle towers from a distance. Not once had he thought about walking along one of them before, yet here he was. "I'll keep that in mind if I ever see her. Before I set foot on this death trap can you answer one thing?" He asked, making her pause. "Let's say I believe that this Spirit of Chaos is an all fucking powerful cosmic being," 'That might be able to send me home,' went unsaid, "The stupidity that made you think releasing Eris was a good idea. Is it the same stupidity that has me walking without chains?"

Looking back, Celestia contemplated his question for just a moment with her motherly smile. "What you call stupidity, I prefer to call an excellent judge of character. I would also like to think after one thousand years of ruling, I might have learned a lesson or two about reading ponies."

She was kind enough to wait for Neil to catch up before continuing her sedate walk. "Was that the only rumour you were concerned with?"

"No, I've got at least two more off the top of my head." He had far more than two, though the rest were minor in comparison. Instead of thinking about them, he was doing his best to keep his mind off of the fact that the bridge they were on, as far as he knew, defied the laws of gravity.

Celestia was patient, however, and opened the matching set of double doors on the other side for them all.

"I guess the next biggest one would be how you made an entire fucking empire vanish from existence just because their Tyrant King attacked you."

He was expecting another history lecture, but the biting sadness behind her words coloured the next part of their journey in sombre tones. "Before King Sombra, the Crystal Empire was ruled by a dear friend of mine. Her name was Princess Amore..."

She told him about her friend and how she ruled the empire with a powerful artifact known as the crystal heart. She then explained the artifact's purpose as an emotional amplifier and barrier against the cold. All in all, Neil thought of it as unimportant pony fluff.

However, when she got to Sombra's rule, her sentences became short and to the point. He was a self-proclaimed Tyrant King, dripping in dark magic, who murdered Princess Amore and then stole the crystal heart. He cast an empire-wide mind control spell through the heart, ensnaring all but a few citizens living along the barrier's outer edge. Those ponies who lived closest to Equestria came to them with warnings and seeking aid.

She and her sister, Princess Luna, brought an army to bear against the Crystal Empire. But with the time it took to raise their army, Sombra had mined a large stockpile of enchantment-grade crystals using his mind-controlled slaves.

When his enslaved scouts spotted their assault on the Crystal Empire, Sombra prepared. He used most, if not all, of the crystals to empower himself and his spells. Making him strong enough to take on two alicorns. His slaves, however, were forced to don armour and pick up weapons for the coming battle.

It was inevitable that their forces clashed, though Celestia and Luna managed to get within sight of the capital city. Entrusting General Pilum to the primary battle, she and her sister flew ahead to confront Sombra himself.

He was all but impossible to defeat through conventional methods. Almost every attack would dissipate against his wards and the few that connected? He would explode into shadows that corrupted the air with dark magic before reforming again, laughing at their futility.

When all other options failed, they were forced to use the Elements against Sombra. They worked but at a terrible cost. After exploding into a shadow cloud, Sombra was sealed away into a glacier. Unknowingly, the sisters thought that was the end. But Sombra had one more ward, tied directly to his living essence. When the tyrant was sealed away, he took the Crystal Empire and its people with him.

"... We couldn't possibly fathom the dark magics required to pull off such a feat. So yes, in the end, the blame was ours. We unknowingly sealed away an entire population of innocent ponies, only for them to return shortly after Eris was resealed."

".... A dead man's switch," Neil muttered absently, thinking about the absurdity of it all.

"A dead what switch?" Celestia asked, looking at him with an odd expression.

"An... unpleasant way to go," He told her, hoping that would be enough of a deterrent. "Let's leave it at that, eh?"

"If you don't wish to tell me, I can respect that. Either way, my private dining hall is just ahead." She informed him, gesturing with her muzzle towards a pair of tall, arched wooden doors with golden accents.

Once more, she opened the doors with her aura. Celestia continued onwards, unimpeded, but Neil was forced to stop. Instead of entering, the guard he was closely following peeled off to the side, almost causing Neil to crash into him. Once the guard took up his post at the doorframe, Neil took stock of the situation.

Celestia was inside, walking towards one of only two chairs set at a long, narrow table. The guard beside him was staring straight ahead at the opposite wall...

Making a split-second decision, Neil booked it. Running past the guard, who didn't even lift a hoof. Of course, it became abundantly clear why once he was far enough from the guard. The hallway elongated, going from thirty feet to three hundred in seconds. He slowed to a walk, then finally came to a stop. He was still caught up in the fucking security wards. Turning around, the guard appeared to be ten feet away. But even at that angle, Neil could see the smile in his eyes. 'Fucking Bastard.'

It wasn't long before Celestia returned and lifted him in her aura. "I would suggest closing your eyes; it's the easiest way to avoid the side effects."

Neil just stared at her, trying to ignore the cheshire grin on her muzzle. After a minute-long stand-off, however, he relented. The next thing he knew, he was being set down. Right in front of Celestia, once he opened his eyes. "I did warn you about the perception perversion wards, didn't I?"

"You did." Neil ground out, more pissed off at his own stupidity than her smirk.

"Well then, shall we eat?"

This time, Neil followed her into the dining room, noting the second table to the left piled with breakfast foods. Multiple piles of pancakes, some with melted butter and others with whipped cream and fruit toppings. He also spotted waffles drenched in syrup but somehow not soggy. But the holy grail... multiple thermos' of coffee and tea, though Neil's complete focus was on the coffee.

The scraping of wood against stone brought him out of his trance as he turned to see Celestia sitting down at the head of the table. Leaving him the chair closest to the door and to her left. He walked up to the chair, but he bit into the wood instead of sitting. He noted the acrid-tasting varnish finish as he dragged it ten feet down. Only after reaching a suitable distance did he sit at the table.

If Celestia thought his actions were a slight against her, she didn't show it. Instead, she levitated a menu to him and placed it gently on the table within easy reach. Neil quickly looked it over, noting the four main sections were different types of food. He wrote off the top left section dedicated to salads. Professionally made, or garbage tier, he didn't want any more fucking salads.

The top right was unrecognizable, with many weird, fancy-sounding names. The dishes pictured looked extravagantly garnished but were mainly thick-looking, almost pudding-like soups? He wrote off the entire section.

The bottom left had recognizable dishes, loaves of bread and pasta mainly. The loaves of bread appeared to be fancy loaves stuffed with plenty of odd-looking things.

The last panel was the dessert panel, which he passed over. No matter how much he wanted to give himself pony diabetes, if real food was an option he had to take it. He owed this alicorn body that much, at the very least.

With his order and a backup just in case, Neil looked over to Celestia. She seemed to still be contemplating what she wanted for the evening, leaving him with no idea what he should do. Did he just sit there and wait? Or did he have to poke the menu, like that one Harry Potter book? Before he could make an idiot of himself, Celestia placed her menu down.

Seconds later, a unicorn and a pegasus, both stallions, exited from a less decorative door near the breakfast table.

Whether it was a silent signal or the staff was just well-trained, Neil couldn't tell. But he gave the two ponies odd looks as they traversed the room. Both wore the same ludicrous, if eye-catching, uniform, which was barely a uniform. The central part of it looked like the flared lapel of a tuxedo, and the undershirt, both white, with a smart-looking black bow tie to finish off the classy look. At least, it would have looked classy if not for the black frilly lace accenting the edges of the lapel. It looked like a tux, an adult French maid costume, and a bondage collar had a very messy three-way.

The light bluish-gray pegasus split off from his coworker, heading towards the Princess, leaving him with the tan unicorn stallion. The unicorn swiftly approached Neil's section of the table, "May I take your order, Sir?"

"Can I order something that's off the menu?" Neil asked, hoping for a yes. After the day's events, he could use a little pick me up. A little taste of home would do just that.

"You can," The stallion assured before adding a little boast. "If we've heard of it, then I guarantee our cooks can make it."

"Sounds good," Neil admitted before lowering his voice. It was stupid but in an opulent castle like this? He felt like an idiot for ordering something so simple. "I'd like to order the biggest bowl of macaroni and cheese you can make."

Other than a raised eyebrow, the stallion did nothing to disparage Neil's choice. He ignited his horn and withdrew a piece of paper and a pencil from underneath his tux collar. He quickly manipulated both to write Neil's order, "Of course, Sir, and what would you like to drink?"

Neil thought about it briefly, but he had no idea if ponies had hard alcohol like vodka. In the end, he settled for something simple. "Just coffee is fine." Before the waiter left, Neil quickly added, "Could I have it in a bowl as well?"

The waiter made a quick change before slipping the pencil and paper back under his collar. "Of course. I'll have your order delivered shortly to you, Sir." The stallion left afterwards, quickly disappearing behind the door leading towards the kitchens.

A quick look in Celestia's direction revealed that she was still ordering. She was pointing at the levitated menu with her hoof, going from one item to the next. For a moment, Neil felt like she was ordering a feast. Still, after the fifth item, the stallion left towards the back, and she lowered her menu back onto the table.

Once the waiter passed out of sight, Celestia quickly engaged Neil in conversation. "You've finished ordering as well, Neil?" After a quick nod, she continued, "We have time to spare before our meals are delivered. In the interim, I believe there was one last rumour you would like to discuss?"

There was, and that particular rumour also spawned his worst-case scenario for capture. Something he did not want to think about while eating. "Yeah... That can wait until after we finish eating."

"Very well then," Celestia complied with an understanding nod. "In that case, would you like to answer some of my own questions?"

Neil immediately stiffened as he gave the princess a hard, questioning look. He expected an interrogation at some point. It made sense to do it now because it was just the two of them. "Like what?"

"I would like to know more about you if you would be willing to share? For example, would you like to tell me how you found yourself in Canterlot?"

"I have no fucking clue," He stated with a shrug. "I went to work, got back home, and went to bed as my normal fucking self. Next thing I know, I'm waking up in a back alley as a fucking mutant horse with wings and a horn."

That appeared to pique Celestia's interest. "So you were an earth pony before ascending?"

"I don't know what the hell ascension is, but yeah, and that's all there is," Neil told her, heavily massaging the truth while laying down the groundwork for his cover story. After all, there were ponies and horses native to Earth. He just wasn't born as one of them. "No pegasi, no unicorns, and none of that fucking bullshit you call magic."

That stumped the Princess as she looked at him with a calculating gaze. "I can think of a few nations with an Earth Pony majority. Exclusively earth pony, let alone devoid of magic, however?.. I cannot think of a single country that fits your description. Where do you come from, if you don't mind me asking?"

The thought of lying passed through Neil's head. She wouldn't be able to verify one way or the other, given his country was on another fucking planet, at the very least. On the other hand, if he told her the truth, what did it matter? Other than the fact that she was a ruler and could likely pick out an outright lie like a rotten tomato. "Canada, and I've never heard of Equestria until I was fucking dumped here."

The room fell silent for a minute as Celestia contemplated what he just told her. "If you wish, I could have my most trusted researchers and scholars look into finding your country?"

Although the gesture was nice, even Neil could see how big of a waste that was. "And waste time and resources on a useless fucking endeavour?"

That seemed to surprise Celestia, "I don't see how making contact with your country and returning you home would be useless?"

"Yeah, you wouldn't. But if I stay like this? Best case scenario, I somehow evade being locked up as a science experiment and live in hiding for the rest of my life." He told her calmly as if he was talking about the weather. "The likely scenario? I'm captured, preferably killed, and they dissect my corpse. Worst case scenario? I'm tied down and vivisected, repeatedly, as the government tries to figure out what makes me tick without killing me."

Celestia didn't look it, except for her dilated eyes, but her voice conveyed her shock clearly. "Why would your government do such a thing?"

"As I just said, to figure out how all this works," He used a hoof to gesture over his body from head to chest, specifically around his horn and wings, to further sell his point. "Heh, if you think that's bad, I can think of a few nations that have done far worse for far less. On the other hand, if you did find a way home, that would be fucking fantastic. I'd just have to figure out a way to chop off the wings and shave off my horn flush without killing mys-"

"THERE WILL BE NO SELF-MUTILATION WHILE I'M AROUND YOUNG COLT!"

Neil sat frozen, mid gesture as the windows took a couple extra seconds to stop rattling.

Celestia also took a moment before lecturing him with a stern but motherly tone. "From what I've pieced together, you've had an extremely unfair experience since your first day in Canterlot. I can also understand your excessive use of foul language to help vent your anger and frustration. I will not, however, sit here and allow you to even think about removing the gifts granted to you! Don't you understand? No matter how it happened or why, you've ascended into an alicorn. If your country of Canada can't see how special that makes you, then I'm more than willing to take care of you until you can return home as you are."

Neil.... had no fucking idea what to say to that, so he said nothing.

Five minutes? Ten minutes? Some time passed in silence before both of the waiters returned. The pegasus was pushing a large cart, almost overflowing with food. Whereas the unicorn held two bowls in his magic. The smaller of the two was the size of a salad bowl, while the other was twice as big as a punch bowl. Both of them were placed on the table within easy reach.

"One alicorn-sized bowl of macaroni and cheese and a coffee." The unicorn stated professionally as if he hadn't heard Celestia's deafening yell from just a room away. "Would you like anything else?"

Despite the lovely-looking home-cooked meal before him, Neil could only shake his head in the negative. He thought that would be it, but as he leaned forward, he felt a hoof on his shoulder. Glancing to his left, the stallion was giving him a reassuring smile.

"Enjoy your meal, and I hope the rest of your evening is pleasant." He retreated into the kitchen as Neil watched, confused by the out-of-place encouragement. Glancing over at the end of the table, his coworker and Celestia were still helping each other unload the cart.

Not wanting to think about Celestia's words, he returned to his gigantic bowl. At the top of the bowl was an entire layer of melted cheese, browned to perfection, and a hint of spices he couldn't see but he could smell. A quick nudge with his nose told him it was still warm but not hot enough to burn him if he dug in. For a moment, he just basked in the warmth of his first hot meal since... Days before he appeared in this fucked up world.

Without further delay, he dove in muzzle first. His first bite could have been considered tentative but polite despite eating without utensils. Afterwards, however, he was little more than a ravenous hound. Driven by his desperate hunger and the euphoric taste of pony food as he devoured everything in his path. Quite a feat, given the size of the bowl. He only stopped once, halfway through, to drain the entire salad bowl of his coffee before he returned to massacring his pasta.

He only found one problem with his dinner, which was both a shock and a revelation. The entire bowl was empty, licked clean in his haste, leaving only his muzzle drenched in whatever savoury cheese sauce the cooks used to make his pasta. Looking down at his body, he was half expecting to see his stomach bloated. Instead, his underbelly was just as skinny as before, making him question where the hell his meal went. He didn't even feel full, though he wasn't hungry at the very least.

Looking over to Celestia's end of the table, he was just as shocked to see a stack of neatly piled dishes sitting on the middle shelf of the cart, every single one looking like they were recently cleaned, and Celestia herself sitting patiently as she watched him.

"It looks like you enjoyed your meal," She stated with her damnable cheshire grin.

"Yeah, well, after weeks of rationing garbage, a hot meal is... well, a hot meal." He told her half distractedly as he licked at the remaining sauce on his muzzle.

He almost missed the subtle shift as her grin faded to her usual smile. "At the very least, you'll never have to eat out of a dumpster again, Neil. That I can promise you."

"We'll see," Was all he said with a shrug before changing topics. "Now, you wanted to hear that last rumour? This is the one that had me avoiding you the most."

"If that is the case, I would like to disprove this rumour immediately," She encouraged him to continue as she levitated his bowls onto the top shelf of the unattended cart.

"It's up to you. You'll need to call in the guard, though; I have to ask him something first." In all honesty, he didn't really need the guard. But he was a smug prick, so why not use him as an example?

Celestia didn't question him as she opened the door with her golden aura. "Lieutenant Brass, we require your assistance." Once the guard entered, Celestia closed the door behind him. He came to a halt two body lengths away from Celestia and stood at attention.

"Neil has a question for you. I don't know what it is, but it's related to the rumours he mentioned earlier today. I would like you to answer truthfully; is that understood?"

"It is, Princess!" After a quick salute, he shifted to face Neil.

'So, I'm not worth stopping, am I?' Neil thought as he cleared his throat. A pause for dramatic tension, and... "How many times have you been ordered to fuck Celestia against your will?"

At that moment, Neil learned that spit-takes could travel at least ten feet. It might have been longer, but unfortunately, Celestia had been looking in his direction when he asked the question.

It was awkward when Princess Celestia explained that some mares had sexual fantasies about being a princess, while also abusing their powers to create a harem of stallions. Some were even bold enough to ask her in court if they could have access to the Princess' private harem, even after repeatedly stating it simply didn't exist.

It was even more awkward when Celestia asked him to explain his worst-case scenario, as he called it, in relation to that specific rumour. He eventually admitted he was terrified of being restrained in some long-forgotten hole and used as little more than a breeding stock for the rest of his life.

It was extremely awkward when the guard finally found his voice and stated, "None, um, but... if she asked? I would." While every inch of fur that could be seen through his armour had become beet red.

~~~******~~~

Later that night, long after the changing of the Sun and Moon, Celestia found herself in her private quarters. She would do her best to relax most nights, either by reading one of the many, many, early copies or first editions gifted to her no matter the genre. Or relaxing in a bath, allowing the warm scented waters to wash away the day's stress from her tired muscles. Instead, she was hunched over a slowly decreasing pile of paperwork in her private office tonight.

It wasn't the worst way to spend a night. Her long life had given her much more terrifying prospects to worry about, other than an unending pile of paperwork. However, this particular pile was taking far longer than it should have. She just couldn't focus as the Moon rose higher and higher into the sky, and her cheery little fire in the fireplace dwindled.

She quickly read over and signed yet another update on the Vanhoover dock refurbishment project, which was mainly funded by the crown. She pushed for years to have the docks reinforced or rebuilt if needed. But until recently, it was always, 'We wouldn't want to waste crown bits.' Or, 'Those bits are needed far more elsewhere.' Polite to a fault, they were. Thank Faust their new mayor had agreed with her. 'We'll get it done and under budget, eh?'

She was about to reach for the next piece on the pile but paused. Her mind shifted to earlier that day, during dinner, to something Neil said. 'Let's leave it at that, eh?'

The accent wasn't an exact match, but it was very close. Could Neil be from Vanhoover? It was a possibility, but a very low one. Too many anomalies surrounded the stallion for her to pinpoint his origin so easily. But that was a minor problem compared to the hate and rage fuelling his macabre view of the world.

She sighed, shunting that problem to the side. She needed to finish this paperwork as she reached for the pile again. And like before, she paused as the wards fluttered ever so lightly. "Eris, I wasn't expecting you to visit this fine evening."

"Oh, and what a fine evening it is!" The Spirit cheered from the inside of her unfinished paperwork pile. An instant later, papers were strewn about as the draconequus raised both of her miniature, mismatched, ink-drenched arms into the air. "It took you forever to find that little ball of chaos, and of course it took Pvt Murphy giving you a little help to do it."

Keeping a calm exterior, Celestia caught every leaf of paper in her magic. She waited politely for Eris to climb out of the page and hop onto her desk before placing the pile back where it belonged. "There isn't a single private or ranked guard member named Murphy, Eris."

"Oh please, you need to get with the times Celestia. Get out of this stuffy old tower and learn a reference, or a slang word or two!" She snapped her fingers, and Celestia, her desk, and Eris were immediately elsewhere. The buildings and the streets looked more modern, pointing her towards Fillydelphia, Manehatter, or Baltimare. "Or better yet, we could go 'window shopping' for some butt buddies. I don't know about you, but after all the times Tirek said no I could use a big, long dicking."

"Eris, I have too much work that needs to be done before I call it a night." She replied while she smiled and waved at two ponies, a stallion and a mare, looking at her with wide eyes.

"Oh, relax already!" Eris popped out of existence, only to reappear on the stallion's back. She was no longer drenched in ink but wore socks depicting lewd sex acts. "Hello, this is quite the stud you found tonight, what were his rates? If we double it, can Celestia and I join in?"

"Eris, enough!" Celestia snapped, "Leave the poor couple alone so we can discuss things back at the castle."

"Oh, isn't that adorable? She thinks you two are a couple!" Eris giggled, ruffling the stallion's braided mane. "Well Stud, it was almost your lucky night, but Celestia wants to have a nice chat with me in her private quarters. Have fun showing that Trick of yours some tricks."

Before Celestia could say anything else, the Spirit of Chaos snapped her fingers. She was back in her tower, as well as her desk. Her paperwork, however, was gone. Replaced with Eris doing her best to pose sexily on the hardwood surface.

Celestia just stared, unamused. "And my paperwork, Eris."

"Fine, you're no fun." Eris pouted, snapping her fingers. Her paperwork returned, and Eris was now floating near the fireplace. "At least somepony is getting lucky tonight."

"You didn't do anything to those ponies, did you?"

"Moi?" She asked, posing as the picture of innocence with a glowing halo above her head. "I didn't do anything. In fact, after tonight his brand is about to get a massive boost."

Celestia groaned in frustration. She did not want to track down a single stallion from one of three major metropolises. "What did you do Eris?"

"Nothing bad!" She admitted, throwing her arms up in defeat. "I just gave him a little help from Viagra. The next time he gets down and dirty with a mare, instead of four minutes, he'll give her four hours of fun."

"Four hours." Celestia deadpanned.

"Yep! Of course, if it lasts longer than that..." She snapped her fingers, and a small, blue paper appeared on her desk. "I left a copy of that glued to his front door. He can't miss it."

Celestia looked over the paper and groaned.

Viagra can cause some serious side effects...
... Yadda yadda yadda...
A prolonged erection that lasts longer than four hours...
... Yadda yadda yadda...
Visit your doctor...
... Yadda yadda yadda...

"See, he's completely safe," She gestured with her arms, suddenly wearing umpire armour, "All of his bases are covered," She then dove onto a large, white homebase, only to pop upright with a long, wooden bat she was rubbing enticingly with a cloth. "His bat will be well polished."

"Enough Eris," Celestia sighed, "There was an original reason you came here; would you like to talk about it?"

"Him, and yes, I would," She said, immediately dropping the act. "You found Neil."

"Yes, we found him after multiple reports of something large messing around with bins. Luna also found an unusual, half-formed dream in one of the shopping districts. How long have you known about him Eris?"

"I've known about him since my powers returned to me," She admitted flippantly.

"And you had nothing to do with his appearance?"

"Absolutely nothing, I can assure you. If I had known about him before my powers were stolen, Tirek would have sucked off your new Boytoy during his visit to Canterlot. And he was already here after my powers returned. Ergo, I had no way of bringing him here."

"And the chaos magic cycling through his body?"

"I haven't the slightest idea, but it gets me tingly just thinking about it!" She admitted as her lioness paw slowly inched further down her stomach. "Are you suuuure you don't want to go out and get laid?"

"I'm sure. There is one last thing I'd like to ask before you leave."

"Oh, and what would that be?"

"Leave Neil alone," She all but ordered in a no-nonsense tone. "I don't think he would enjoy your certain brand of... chaos, in his current state."

Eris' paw froze, just inches from her goal, as her eyes narrowed. "...Fine, I'll leave your Boytoy alone. For now." And with that last word, she vanished.

Celestia waited for a full minute. If Eris planned a delayed prank, it would go off in the first minute most of the time. When nothing happened, she released a long, agonizing sigh. A quick look to the Moon told her that Eris' visit cost her another half an hour of lost sleep.

Perhaps she could regain it if she pushed through her paperwork? With her goal in mind, she attacked the ever-present pile of unfinished paperwork.

Only after reading the thirteenth document did she find Eris' prank. One single 'O' on each page was intersected with an 'i', but the accent line was curved and very... splashy, instead of straight.

Celestia groaned, knowing she would have to look over every page on her desk and correct all of the misprints.