I rememba be'n a 'umie a lifetime ago, dough now i’m bigger, meaner, an’ greana. But I kept 'dat part uv me 'dat kares yer know? I may be an ork now, but I still rememba dy'n ta defend ma family, I rememba 'dat bloody home invada shoot'n me, an' I rememba bleed'n out wit' ma loved ones around me.

For hav'n taken a literal bullet ‘n defense uv ma family I was rewarded, apparently. See 'der was dis little ol planet kalled Adar 'dat dis god fing really didn't want ta get krumped. So, see'n as I was destined ta end up as nuffin but dust 'e offered me a deal. Protect 'is favorite planet, an’ not only would I get ta live again but I’d get ta choose wot race I’d end up be'n.

Now ma furst thought was an ol wun, or perhaps some kinda terrify'n thing like a slaugth, or maybe even a c’tan but 'e shut ‘dat down right quick. See apparently his, or 'er now 'dat i’m dink'n about it maybe ‘er, kan't rightly rememba much about the god fing. Maybe ‘da god fing was male, or maybe female, eitha way it doesnt matta ta ‘da story. Anyway, deys didn't have da strength ta make me into someth'n krazy like ‘dat so’s I had ta choose someth'n a bit more standard.

Now I know wot you’s are probably dink'n. Hey, mista forma humie, why ‘n da heck did yer pick someth'n dumb an’ brutal like an ork, especially konsider'n yer sposed ta be protect'n tiny horse people, well ta ‘dat i’d say… shut up, I’m gett'n 'der, don't rush me.

See’s apparently nearly every faction ‘n da galaxy was gonna take a bite outta dis planet, an’ dey were gonna do it real quick like. So 'dat mean I needed an army, an' I needed wun right quick, see?

Aeldari breed like pandas 'n kaptivity, an' I had a few short years, not a few short millennia so dey wuz right out. 'Da tau, dere brotha races, an’ 'da humiez were better, but not fast enough. Unless I was willin ta deal wit' an army uv literal children I’d need ta step fings up a bit.

Which left two options, the tyranids, and the orks. Though I spose I coulda been a demon but they were a bit too flighty and I didn't end up feeling like losing me brain.

So’s tyranids, right? Wrong! I was gonna end up just some wee baby spore that could grow big, but even real big I’d still be a slave of that big brainy thing that controls all the bugs. And I tell you what, reader. I wuzznt gonna end up a slave to nobody, got it?

Which meant ‘da orks were ‘da only real option.

Sure dey enjoyed krump'n each otha jus as much as 'da enemy, an' thought defensive tactics were unorky, but I figured if I was 'da biggest an' 'da meanest, I kould smash 'dat right outta im. Dey were shown ta be kapable uv be'n pretty smart, afta all, im blood axe Boyz sure made a stomp'n' back before da big party krumped em down a peg or tree.

So’s i figured wot ‘da heck, dey’s pretty much biologicly immortal, put rabbits ta shame, an I didn't need a partna ta start mak'n more uv em. Not like I’m opposed ta the hanky panky or noth'n but 'dat might slow fings down if I gotta spend da next ten years between da sheets. Dough now 'dat I’m dink'n about it, 'dat mighta been nice.

Anyways, so I chose ‘da orks. Which seemed ta surprise ‘da god fing as 'e was pretty certain I’d pick someth'n dumb like a beaky git. I told em 'dat was stupid 'cos I’d need like five hundred years ta make even a single minor chapter, nevermind all ‘da teknologee stuff I’d need. 'E liked ma reasoning, an' since orks are apparently da easiest fing ta make since pop tarts he’d even give me a boon. Said me an ma future Boyz would work real well wit' ‘da ponies, an all ‘da otha races uv ‘da world.

I didn't rightly know wot 'dat meant, an’ ‘da god fing was be'n kagey about answaz so I gave up 'dat line uv question'n an’ moved on. Ta where I was landing, an' wot ma strategy was gunna be. I asked ‘em if I was gonna end up a snotl'n or someth'n furst, but 'e said he’d at least bump me up ta a gretchin. 'E wanted ta make me at least a nob ta start, but said his time was runn'n out an’ I needed ta move.

So I chose ‘da most dangerous part uv ‘da whole planet, ‘da everfree forest. See’s I gotta make lots uv spores, an I needed ta get bigga which meant fight'n' an winnin. Wit' dat all said, 'e nodded, gave me his seal uv approval, an told me ta tell 'da princesses dat dey wuz proud uv im, whateva dat meant.

Now wit' all 'dat outta da way, we get ta da gud part, da fight'n'!
Waaaugh!

Dat feels real gud, let me tell you lot.

Author's Note

Supported by... noone! I just wrote this because it was fun. Enjoy!