Fallout Equestria: The Ashlands Timeline

Date: Tuesday 11/15/2287
POV: Figment
The Crimoire

Figment had been inside the book before, but now it had a much greater horror to it. Everything here would want to kill Figment now that Crimson knew what he was, and Mercury Shine was in no shape to stop them. She had to trust that Crimson would keep her promise to Maud.

Paper Cut was on him the moment he appeared, dragging him towards one of the torture racks. Figment tried to resist, but his head was splitting still from the change-attempts and he could barely even light his horn up.

“Let him go, Paper Cut,” Crimson said as she appeared and immediately collapsed.

“You are kidding me!” Paper Cut screamed at Crimson. “No bucking way! This slimy thing tricked both of us into putting our lady-cocks in it! It's not leaving here alive!”

“If you want this book to ever open again, he will,” Crimson sighed. All she could do was threaten, because after casting the spells to get them here in her condition, she couldn’t do anything else. She could barely move from the looks of it.

Paper Cut growled and released Figment, letting him tumble to the floor.

“Can I buck the dead dog at least?” Paper asked.

“No,” Crimson rolled her eyes. “She can't arrive in Holder full of tulpa spunk.”

“Un-bucking-believable,” Paper Cut shook her head as if that were the most unreasonable thing she'd ever heard.

“Thank you,” Figment peeped, crouching and crawling over to Mercury to sit with her.

“Don't push it,” Crimson warned.

Figment looked back to his saddlebags, making sure he still had the empty canister that the killing joke had been in. He’d seen a rainbow light reflecting on it, and kept it since he remembered Twilight talking about that, but didn’t dare mention it now.

“So I guess this means Tranquil is...” Mercury looked at Figment. She didn't seem angry, but the sorrow in her eyes hurt even worse. She couldn’t look at Figment for long, instead looking through Olivia’s backpack to transfer the shifting potions to her own saddlebags.

“I'm sorry,” Figment sat next to her. “I tried to save Tranquil, I swear, I loved her, just… like I love Crimson.”

“Don't be stupid,” Crimson lay next to the annoyed Paper Cut and folded her hooves. “I can't believe she would willingly follow a stallion around. Do you really expect me to believe she'd gone straight?”

“She didn't 'go straight',” said Figment, even if this was the worst time to have this discussion. “She was terrified you would catch up with us, saying she was free for the first time in years and never wanted to go back. Why do you think I tried to avoid you? She let me take in a lot of her memories to get to know her, and the way her memories depict you is terrifying. You can’t lie to me about how she perceived you.”

“You have a lot of nerve to talk like that inside my realm,” Crimson growled, as if this one room counted for much.

“Figment, please,” Mercury put a hoof on Figment's own. “But um… if I can ask… why didn’t any of the tests detect that you were a changeling?”

“Midnight’s experiments,” sighed Figment. “She was trying to remove me from Trinity’s hive, which she succeeded in doing, but let’s just say she got more invasive than she needed. She removed several changeling-specific organs. I can still change, but rarely and with great pain. I could probably still use teleport or invisibility magic too if I tried, but that might hurt even more. Though according to the doctors in Ramble, apparently I have to use shift and magic a good deal for the organs to start healing fast enough, so I guess I’m in for it either way.”

“Good,” grumbled Crimson. “It doesn't matter, anyway. I'm less mad about that and....” She trailed off.

“Mad at yourself that you couldn't apologize to her?” asked Ink Blot from beneath one of the tables.

“You don't push it either,” Crimson warned.

“So what?” Paper Cut asked. “We can't even torture him now? We could do that when he was pretending to be your wife, and I’m pretty sure he liked most of it. I bet you 100 bits if I went over and stepped on his dick he’d moan.”

Figment chuckled awkwardly. He'd enjoyed some of their sessions more than he'd like to admit, but they were less intense than what he knew Tranquil had been used to, as if Crimson had taken it easy on him.

He hated to admit how attached he'd become to Crimson, and this hurt as much as any breakup would. He wasn't sure why; maybe it had just felt nice for someone to protect him for non-selfish reasons, even if Crimson didn’t admit to doing that.

But now he was stuck as the team member that they'd all trust even less than Crimson. The only one that would truly be on his side was dead. Maud was on the fence and Twilight would try to be nice about it, but neither would trust him. Regardless of kind intent, he'd lied to them this whole time.

POV: Screwball
Discordia

“Mommy Eris, I found a thing!” Screwball yelled excitedly as she popped into the pocket dimension where her mother lived.

“Another foal?” asked Eris. “Oh my... you've been finding a lot of those the last few days. Are you sure you're just finding them lying on the ground in the dead woods like you say? Because I don't want you in danger...”

Mommy Eris sprawled out on a giant purple vine, but it was mostly void surrounding them. There were a few flying pigs circling, but they seemed unstable, coming apart at the seams like poorly made stuffed animals.

Screwball's mother had a mostly pony-ish body with yellow fur, though her head looked a bit batish, with fangs and pointy ears sticking up through her pink mane. Her limbs were random, hind legs having a green gator claw on the left and a flat turtle foot on the right. Her front limbs were a white bunny-like paw on the right and a white cat-like paw on the left. On her back was one pegasus wing and one owl wing. Her tail was also like a pony's, the same pink color as her mane.

Eris told Screwball that her Daddy Discord was even more randomly put together, but Screwball had never gotten to meet him before he ran off. Sometimes she wondered if he realized Eris was pregnant when he ditched them. He'd easily know if he'd checked, but who knew if he bothered.

“Well,” Screwball admitted. “I may have found this one in a super-mutant’s claw. It was going to eat him on a sandwich though! Without mustard! What kind of a psycho eats a foal without mustard?... And Random Fluff said yesterday how she wanted another batty colt! So now she has another! Everyone wins... except the super-mutant. It still has to find mustard.”

“You're too kind,” sighed Eris. “I know you think you're a match for anything out there, but believe me, you aren't. Please promise me you'll not endanger yourself like that again.”

“I promise to stay here unless I probably maybe sorta have a really good reason! And by that, I mean a fun reason.” Screwball was terrible at keeping promises that limited her fun. It was an exercise in futility for Eris to make her promise anything, because Screwball would always word her promises with a way out. Eris likely knew, but always tried anyway.

“I just wish I could visit the new little one,” Eris said wishfully. “Or even see him. Was he happy?”

“When I left him,” said Screwball. “He and Random were chasing a giant butterfly with racing stripe wings, and he was giggling up a storm! Literally! You'd think that'd be uncomfortable, but he just kept laughing!”

The little one had all but forgotten the horror he'd experienced over the last day. All the residents of Discordia loved foals, so even though most of them also acted like foals, it was never hard to find somepony that wanted to care for the ones Screwball snatched.

Screwball hated this, though. She hated looking at the pain on Mommy Eris's face, trapped in here and not even able to look out at the world. To save their ponies, Eris had absorbed the full energy of both a CME and a balefire blast on the day the megaspells hit. The resulting mixture of radiation and chaos magic had rendered Eris so deadly that not even ghouls could survive in her presence for more than a few seconds. Even using a spell to try and watch ponies through a portal would kill them; she'd found that out the hard way and had never forgiven herself.

Even Screwball could only be here for minutes at a time, not even long enough for a full conversation. Eris had saved their citizens, but at the cost of ever interacting with them again.

“Ding ding ding! Queue who?” a cuckoo clock like voice sounded, signifying that somepony had arrived at the queue, the entrance to their realm where all potential entrants would make their case to be accepted into the community.

“Oops!” Screwball bounced. “That's probably Gloomy and his new friends! See you Mommy Eris! Love you!”

“I love you forever, Screwy,” Eris sighed, then looked down at the purple vine she lay on, looking painfully lonely as Screwball faded away. “You keep making Mommy proud out there.”

Screwball felt terrible every time she had to leave Mommy Eris alone. She wished there was a way to help her now, but maybe one day there would be. It was hard to say; Screwball had meant to read ahead in the story to find out, but kept getting distracted.

Before heading to the Queue, Screwball popped over to see somepony else that was visiting. Ovo only ever visited, not having a permanent home in Discordia. In spite of him having jumped through hoops, literally and figuratively, to gain entry, Screwball could tell he was hiding something. Yet somehow, his mind was immune to even her prodding. He seemed nice enough and helped many of the residents, but there was something he hadn't told anypony else.

That and Screwball couldn't always find him. Sometimes she went looking for him but couldn't detect him anywhere. She should be able to locate a being of his type and power anywhere in the livable world, yet very often he seemed to snap out of existence. He wasn’t a chaos being, so how did he do that?

When she found him, Ovo was having tea with a unicorn stallion, Mango Promenade, sitting upside down on the bottom of a cotton candy cloud. That's one thing she liked about Ovo; he shared an appreciation for ignoring gravity.

She also liked him because his color scheme reminded her of chocolate cake, a dark tan body with dark brown mane and tail. Sadly, no part of him tasted like chocolate cake; she'd checked them all, even the places he said not to, in case he was lying. He was pretty standard other than being an alicorn, unless he was something else. His cutie mark, two black and white theater masks, didn't give too much of a hint what his special talent was. Screwball had never seen him act, but maybe he was always acting.

As soon as Screwball appeared, Ovo reached out one hoof and touched it to her nose.

“Boop!” Ovo said, then waited patiently for Screwball to finish the giggling fit that often ensued when he did that.

Mango broke out laughing as well, then several other ponies nearby, then more off in the distance. This often happened in Discordia; it was like wolves howling, but more fun.

“I swear by the broken Moon,” Ovo smirked. “It seems unfair that this place is so unnervingly happy when the rest of the world is horse apples.”

“That's the rest of the world's fault!” Screwball did a loop in midair, then booped his nose in return. Unlike him, she didn't need wings or a horn to fly. “Guess who's here?”

“I suppose it's my new soldier and his favorite pussy returned from the field,” said Ovo. “Well I was about to tango with Mango, but I suppose that can wait.”

“Buck ya later!” Mango waved goodbye and promptly fell off the cloud and into the sky.

“Of course he'd think I meant that,” Ovo rolled his eyes. “But why not? I've known you for five whole minutes after all. Buck ya later.”

An instant later, Ovo and Screwball popped out of existence there and into existence at the Queue. With a random mariachi band. Screwball liked getting played in by a band when she arrived at the Queue.

POV: Twilight Sparkle
Stable 41

Twilight and the others were back in the changeling stable and one might assume relatively safe, but who knew for how long. They were going to send a team to Discordia to speak to Screwball, as the only way to gain entry was to pass an interview with her. She was the one they needed to speak to anyway.

“Mercury, you shouldn't be going,” Twilight said as she watched the unicorn pack, in spite of being barely able to move after her ordeal.

“I have to,” Mercury could barely even talk. “I want to know why she left us to die.”

“Mercury,” Gloomy said carefully. “You have every right to, but I don't know if pointing a hoof at Screwball will help anypony on this visit. What Screwball did was wrong, but she doesn't have the ability to comprehend that. It probably never even crossed her mind.”

“Then somepony needs to put it in her mind,” Mercury sniffled. “I won't cause trouble I... I just have to ask. And I want to know what happened to our little colt friend.”

Twilight wanted to agree with Gloomy for the sake of their mission, but didn't feel like she had a right to tell Mercury that she couldn't.

“It's okay, Mercury,” said Twilight. “At least let me carry you so you don't have to walk.”

“So this is who is going then?” asked Starlight. “Me, Maud, and Crimson will be staying here; I don't think Screwball will want to see anypony that was part of the old Equestria.”

“Figment should accompany you as well,” Maud suggested. “I do not feel like keeping a murder watch on Crimson.”

Crimson hadn't left her book since Maud returned, and had spent a full hour in there screaming when she found out Figment had found a friendship key, not wanting to be on the same ‘superhero squad’ as him.

The keys were landing on some ponies she’d least expect, but Twilight accepted that the Tree knew what it was doing. Now with Kamikaze, Crimson, Forgot, and Figment, they only had two keys remaining. She’d be lying if she didn’t hope one was her, but increasingly felt like she no longer embodied Magic as she used to.

Twilight couldn't help but feel bad for Crimson though. The experience at the mutant camp probably didn't scar her badly, but only because she had such deep existing scars. It was best to leave her there, though, and let her mourn Tranquil in private where she didn't have to be ashamed of who saw her doing so.

“Hm?” Figment belatedly looked up from his corner. “Oh um, sure. I guess I should. If Crimson comes out of her book... eh... never mind.”

“I will give her your apology and explain your feelings for her,” said Maud. “But I would not expect her to respond favorably.”

The emotionless earth pony was surprisingly perceptive of the emotions of others at times. Twilight would have never figured out that that's what he meant, not with her current stress level at least.

“We have to make this work,” said Starlight. “We have to return to Holder with something tangible, else all we'll have is an explanation of how we let Olivia die.”

Twilight tightened her face, but resisted commenting. Starlight was more concerned about the seat of her power becoming unstable than that Olivia had died a horrible death. Twilight still had Olivia's grimoire in her saddlebag as well, unsure of what to do with it now. She had to admit she wanted to read it, sìnce it allowed Olivia to use magic without a horn, but felt bad for the desire.

She definitely needed to though. Twilight had found using her raw magic attack easier and more powerful during the super-mutant fight, not to mention allowed more precise aiming. It wouldn’t be obvious to others with the creature’s resistance to magic, but Twilight definitely felt it. She wanted to have another unicorn hold the book while casting to test that theory, but the only ones here were either in pain or Starlight, so that experiment needed to wait.

“I'll be going too,” said Mina quietly. “I need to make a case for our population moving into Discordia. We’re no longer safe here.”

Mina remained in her changeling form within the stable. Twilight would never get used to these crayon changelings, though at least they were cuter than the others. She thought of what Chrysalis might look like if she hadn’t starved herself, and stifled a laugh before speaking.

“I hope she can help you,” said Twilight. “But that is an awful large amount of ponies and lings to move in.”

“That actually wouldn't be a problem,” said Gloomy. “As far as I can tell, Discordia can fit as many residents as Screwball wants it to. While there's a limit to the size of a pocket dimension that Screwball can create, there doesn't seem to be any limit on putting a dimension in a dimension and so forth.”

“Really?” Twilight tilted her head. “I really wish I had time to study it. I wonder if they have any books I could borrow...”

The Queue

The Queue was odd, which was expected. It was the tip of the mountain, the highest point that remained after the bombs fell, on the edge of the crater that theoretically contained Discordia. From the Queue, Discordia appeared only as a ripple in nothingness, like a portal or tear in space-time surrounded by chunks of stone floating with random gravitational orientations.

Unlike the mess Discord created in her time however, the queue was devoid of life. It gave it a more unnerving atmosphere than Discord's non-Euclidean architecture.

Twilight carried Mercury to a flat area and placed her gently on the ground for her to lay there, then walked to the middle of the stone platform with Gloomy next to her. Further behind them was Mina and Figment, though they didn't seem keen on getting close. As per Gloomy's instructions, they left their weapons and other supplies at the entrance to the Queue; he assured them that they'd still be there when they left.

Mina would make her request after Twilight made hers. If she were anything like Discord, Screwball would be hard enough to keep on target in a conversation without making her multi-task.

Twilight wondered how long it would take before Screwball noticed them standing here.

“Ah! It's one of those!” screeched Screwball as she flashed into existence with no warning, blasting a beam of energy towards Twilight's face.

“I'm not Midnight!” Twilight dove for cover.

Twilight lost her grip on the ground and floated away as she attempted to dodge. She then realized that the beam of energy had stopped just short of hitting her and turned into what looked like pudding. Screwball was having a giggle fit, rolling around as she floated in midair. Figures. Twilight rolled her eyes and flew back to the ground; this might be a long conversation.

“It's okay Twilight,” Gloomy assured. “I think this is fairly typical.”

Gloomy turned to salute somepony that arrived with Screwball, and only then did Twilight notice the large alicorn stallion that arrived as well. They walked up to one another and touched one another's nose with a hoof. It was an oddly respectful boop; was that a greeting here?

Oh, and there was a mariachi band too. And flying pigs. And a giant flying mouse chasing around a screaming cheese wheel. Yep, this was definitely Discord's daughter.

Screwball poked a hoof into the suspended pudding beam and put it to her lips…but then moved her hoof over to her ear, where a tongue from there licked it off. The beam hadn’t been pudding before it changed, though. Twilight had felt the energy radiating off it even without a proper horn. Screwball may look like a foal, but she was clearly no pushover, and had a pretty sick sense of humor.

“Yep, I know who you are,” Screwball giggled “I'm just buckin’ with ya! Not literally. Though that could happen!”

The mariachi band cheered and laughed as they continued playing.

“You're Twilight, right?” continued Screwball. “Gloomy told Watcher who told Ovo who told me about you. You don't make sense!”

“Thank you,” sighed Twilight, taking it as a compliment, and tried to remain composed. She even gave a bit of a bow, since Screwball was the leader of a nation. “Thank you for coming to see us.”

“Huh,” Screwball peered at Twilight.

Perhaps Screwball was taken off-guard that Twilight didn't react to most of the randomness surrounding them, but Twilight was used to these antics. Twilight wondered if it would be a good idea to bring up how used to it she was. Screwball might be impressed that Twilight knew an alternate Discord, or she might be offended; he did abandon her after all.

“Hey, that's mean!” Screwball responded to Twilight's thoughts out of nowhere. “Daddy Discord didn't abandon me! He was just so mad at poo-poo-head ponies that I slipped his mind!”

Oh cake-covered Celestia, Twilight had to watch her thoughts around this one. She started singing a foal’s song in her head to keep her thoughts under control, ‘Rubber ducky you’re the one… You make bath time lots of fun… ‘

“Rubber ducky, I’m awfully fond of yooooou!” Screwball sang with her while typical bathtub bubbles drifted out of her nose, but at least the others probably thought she was being random.

Then again, this might be a good thing if Screwball could detect her sincerity. It wasn't like she intended to lie. She had to wonder if Starlight knew this and if that’s why she didn’t come.

“Who didn't come?” Screwball peered hard at Twilight with one eye bulging out disturbingly far.

Damn it! Twilight tried her best to clear her thoughts and think only about the task at hoof.

“I apologize,” Twilight said, hoping Screwball detected her sincerity. “I am only here to request assistance for those I wish to help.”

“I-I wanted a word too,” said Mercury quietly from where she lay behind Twilight.

“A squirrel!” Screwball screeched and suddenly flew off to chase a pink googly eyed squirrel around a random floating rock.

Ooookay. May as well introduce herself to this alicorn then.

“You are Ovo Factorem?” asked Twilight, giving a lower bow to him, since he was more likely to appreciate it. “It is good to meet you too.”

“Indeed, I am,” Ovo stood tall and looked down to Twilight with a critical eye. The alicorn was a fraction shorter than Celestia. “I've heard quite a lot about you as well, Paradox, but it's probably best that we deal with the silly one before discussing other things.”

“Tag, you’re it!” Screwball suddenly put a hoof to Ovo's flank, then grumbled when Ovo only glared in response. “You're boring around your Statera friends, you know that?”

“The thought did occur to me,” Ovo deadpanned.

“Um, hello?” piped up Mercury, eyes moving back and forth between the chaos spirit and huge alicorn as if wondering which to marvel at. “I'm Mercury Shine, but I think we've met briefly, Miss Screwball.”

Maybe that was supposed to be an accusation, but Mercury had trouble making it sound like one. Screwball was an oddity. She was hard to take seriously, yet somehow was still an imposing figure.

“Hey it’s the full metal alchemist!” Screwball popped into existence on Mercury's back, then poked at her head like she was typing on a typewriter. “Are you operating at maximum efficiency?”

“P-pardon?” Mercury asked in confusion.

“Oops! Ignore that!” giggled Screwball. “Sometimes I mix up what happened, is happening, and will happen. It's a good habit, but ponies always tell me not to!”

“Miss Screwball, please,” Twilight said. “She's been through a lot.”

“She has no idea!” Screwball said, then grew still a moment as she looked at Mercury. “You're pretty mad at me huh? But I'm only authorized to pick up stray foals, not stray adults!”

“You know what?” sighed Mercury. “Never mind.”

“Kay,” Screwball shrugged.

“Sorry, Mercury,” Twilight whispered to her. She felt bad for her, but just as Twilight had expected, Screwball wasn't capable of understanding Mercury's situation. “I’m pretty sure she read our minds like a book the moment we got here.”

“I like books!” confirmed Screwball. “Eat any good books lately?”

“As you have probably surmised,” Ovo tried to move the conversation along. “This is where Screwball greets new applicants. Those who are deemed worthy and kind are allowed to stay. Those that are only one may be allowed to visit. Those that are neither are... well other things happen to them. I can't explain that part without getting confused.”

“There's so much spaghetti involved!” confirmed Screwball. “Wait! That was my speech! You monster!”

Screwball turned Gloomy into a foam bat and beat Ovo about the head with it as the mariachi band cheered her on. Ovo face-hoofed as the enraged little chaos-critter beat him with the harmless bludgeon, looking like he felt much the same as Twilight about these spirits.

“You kept getting distracted instead of doing it yourself,” said Ovo flatly, then turned to Twilight. “I’ve seen her delay long enough for applicants to literally pass out from sleep deprivation.”

“Sleeping isn’t allowed here!” screeched Screwball, but at least let Gloomy return to his now-dizzy self. “It’s boring!”

“That’s inside Discordia that you made that rule,” Ovo grunted. “It’s not even possible for most to obey it out here.”

“Aw, that’s sad,” Screwball instantly calmed.

“Right,” Twilight sighed. “Um, could you remove the mariachi band by chance?” It was a bit hard to think with them laughing and cheering at everything Screwball did.

“Huh? Oh sure!” Screwball snapped her hooves together, replacing the mariachi band with a random dubstep DJ.

“Urrgh,” Twilight face-hoofed as she strained to hold herself upright from the tremors caused by the sudden blaring music. She had to shout to be heard. “Screwball! I'm sure you have some excellent chaos to get to, but I am hoping I could ask for your assistance on a grave matter!”

“I don't like graves,” Screwball said at a normal volume, but was somehow completely audible. “Funerals are depressing. That's why we have kaput parties instead! They’re great when the pony’s head is intact enough for one last day of fun!”

Twilight shuddered, not wanting any more details about kaput parties. She focused on guiding Screwball's attention where she needed it.

“We need a way to get in and out of the Ministry of Magitech,” said Twilight, knowing she had to be concise if she hoped to keep the spirit's attention. “Or at least a way to get out once we get in.”

“Indeed,” Ovo said. “I have filled her in on the details.”

“You've filled me in more than that,” Screwball waggled her eyebrows. “Filled my favorite hole full of my favorite thing! We were so sticky when you finished!”

“Wait, you two had s-, no wait, your favorite is mustard-flavored ice cream, please tell me your favorite hole is your mouth.” Gloomy boggled.

“Well it was a mouth, but on the wrong end,” sighed Ovo. “For entry, she demanded spoon-feed her ice cream until she could roll around like a ball. To normal ponies it’d be kinky, but to her, it was Tuesday. It also changes, might be her navel now for all I know.”

Screwball clapped her hooves together. A box appeared around Gloomy that read 'Pervy Bat Box' in large crayon lettering. Gloomy pushed the box top open to poke his head out and grumbled, but didn’t try to leave it. Twilight suspected given Screwball’s nature that doing so might have caused her to playfully compromise Gloomy’s future ability to be pervy, or worse, and hopefully he realized.

“That’s what you get for being pervy, but then also trying to make sense! You should know I can’t eat with my face hole, it would make too much sense!” Screwball blew a raspberry at Gloomy…which formed an actual spit-covered raspberry that he caught with his mouth and ate. “If you don't stop it, I'm gonna roll a five-sided dice and give you that many sex changes! And it might not be even this time so watch out!”

“You know, both me and your bat toy were born female…” Ovo chimed in with a smirk. “Once I had to play her games to earn another switch to stay male. The process is pretty painless, relative to some other methods of torture, at least.”

“Don’t tell Crimson,” Mercury sighed. “She’ll be offended that anyone would want to stay male, let alone two who started out perfect in her eyes.”

“Well it’s good everypony’s what they want, but has Screwball not kept up on what’s happening out there?” Twilight tried to refocus the conversation.

“I fill her in on a lot,” grumbled Ovo. “She refuses to listen to the news stations.”

“Boring!” Screwball complained. “Though I listen to Trinity’s broadcast in the back of my mind usually, in case she decides to eat a foal live on the air again. If I’m in the mood, I can save it!”

“How does your group function here?” Mercury asked Gloomy, then cringed when Screwball twirled on the tip of her horn.

“Well,” said Gloomy. “Because not even Trinity and Midnight will buck with Discordia. They've tried, and it didn't end well for either of them.”

“It wasn't that bad,” Screwball claimed. “A full ten percent of their forces survived the rabid whip cream. And almost all of those survived the bread-flavored dildos.”

“Screwball, please,” Twilight begged, unsure of what else to do. “We need your help. Every creature out there needs your help. You could save so many lives, and not just foals…wouldn’t your mother want that.”

“Hey, the world was nothing but mean to my mom! Foals are less tainted by it, and more fun, plus my friends in Discordia like to play with ‘em, and don’t get as rough as the meanies out there! Besides, I don’t save every foal. If I’m in a bad mood or they aren’t worthy, I just put mustard on ‘em so the super-mutants can eat ponies the right, Discordia way,” Screwball shrugged, swimming around in the air in tune with the wubs emanating from the DJ’s speakers. “Look, I know you're really nice and helpful, but we’re perfectly happy here having nothing to do with all those barbaric war criminals. The worthy ones can come live here while the others murder each other, but that's all the help I'm authorized to give.”

“They may not be a threat now,” Twilight tried another angle, since Screwball seemed to value the safety of her own. “But Midnight and Trinity are constantly advancing, and they aren't even the most dangerous factions. Can you be sure no one will ever find a way to harm your citizens? And if you could stop that risk and help everypony, wouldn’t you? I know Fluttershy in my time and…”

“Mommy Eris HATES that name!” Screwball grew to five times her previous size and shrieked so loudly that everypony there held their ears. “That's her pony name! That's her torture name!”

“Please, I'm sorry…can I just speak to Mommy Eris?” Twilight kneeled. “I'm not trying to offend her, I swear I just want to help ponies, and her if I can.”

“Don't call her Mommy!” Screwball boomed out as she scooped Twilight up, spat mustard all over her, then shoved her into her belly button as it opened up, then swallowed her whole.

Twilight screamed, holding her hooves over her face expecting the splash of acids, only to suddenly find herself in a small round enclosure that broke apart…it was an egg, and she was back outside with a normal-sized Screwball’s nostrils shrinking from being opened wide above her. She looked over herself to find the mustard was now apparently mayonnaise.

Screwball then jabbed Twilight right in the eye with one hoof. “Only I get to call Mommy Eris Mommy Eris!”

“Ow!” Twilight held a hoof over the poked eye, then realized the opposite one was the one hurting for some reason and covered it instead. “I apologize, I didn't know.” She was hitting every one of Screwball's buttons in this conversation it seemed.

“Sorry, Twilight,” Gloomy said, apparently feeling her pain and probably having shared in it during his first visit. “She forbids giving potential entrants advice about how to interact with her, but she won’t hurt you just for messing up.”

“That was scary,” squeaked Figment from behind them. “I think I peed a little.”

Twilight glanced back to see Figment hiding behind a rock and peeking out while Mina stood petrified with fear. She felt something on her hind leg and realized Mercury was hugging it for protection. Ovo, clearly more used to this, just rolled his eyes at the tantrum.

Screwball's mood changed immediately, floating to Twilight and randomly snuggling her head. She traced a hoof almost seductively along her chin. Twilight let the little chaos-critter get physical without taking it personally; she was used to it with Discord and needed to keep things on track.

“Anyways, you can’t see her for your own good,” said Screwball. “One second of exposure and you’d be goop, and not the tasty kind.”

“Exposure to what?” asked Twilight.

Twilight put a wing around Screwball to hug her, unable to keep from doing so when the cutie started purring. Screwball giggled, but then flashed over to the top of Gloomy's head to sit there like she was queen of the pervy bat box. Gloomy looked annoyed but didn't dare shoo her away, even as she got herself comfy, despite being bizarrely on the end of his muzzle leaning most of the way forward, as if gravity was in a different direction for her just to mess with him more. This was like foal-sitting a bratty demigod.

Luckily that thought amused Screwball as she giggled in response. She grinded slightly on Gloomy’s snout, though it seemed less for enjoyment and more for his annoyance. He sighed and blushed.

“Mommy Eris absorbed a lot of mega-spell energy on genocide day to protect us,” explained Screwball. “Not even I can be around her long enough for a full conversation.”

“She must be so lonely,” Twilight shook her head, horrified at the idea of her timid friend in a situation where nopony could comfort her. “Can we use comms to speak to her?”

“That won't work either,” said Screwball. “The mix of radiation-stuff and chaos magic sorta did a thing for reasons. Just hearing her voice or having her look at you through a portal would kill a creature like you.”

Twilight couldn't imagine how traumatizing that must be for poor Fluttershy, especially since she probably accidentally killed a pony with her voice to know it would happen. She became lost in thought for a while as things went mostly silent and she thought about how much she just wanted any way to help.

Screwball must have sensed her sincere intentions, since she suddenly put on a relaxed expression with a grin, then popped over to Twilight again and hugged one of her wings.

“I like your wings,” said Screwball. “They're soft. Can I borrow them?”

Or maybe not.

“Sorry, I'm using them right now,” said Twilight. “Look. What if I found a cure for Eris?” She had no idea how she would, but it was worth a shot.

“You wouldn’t be the first to offer,” Gloomy chimed in, sounding like his mouth was full.

Looking over at him again as he swallowed something, Twilight noticed he had whipped cream on his lips and snout, and a single round piece of chocolate balanced on the tip of his nose, no doubt an inappropriate joke by Screwball about how she was sitting on him. As he licked the whipped cream off, he sheepishly tossed the chocolate to Twilight, which she happily caught in her mouth and found to be delicious fudge, a luxury she’d been missing. Twilight wasn’t entirely sure whether she should just be glad for the fudge regardless of its…origin, or get jealous that another girl was sitting on his face.

“I would, he’s pretty pervy,” Screwball responded to the thought and clicked her hooves, sending the dubstep DJ away in a flash. “No homo, by the way, I was just annoying him and making sure I didn’t take any ponies apart again from getting mad about Mommy’s condition! Besides, most of his pervy thoughts are about you. Except for the one with you, Midnight, and a twilicorn. That one was ultra-mega gross.”

“Please stop,” begged Gloomy with a squeak, but it’s not like such a fantasy surprised Twilight. Okay, maybe the twilicorn’s involvement did a little.

For a moment the Queue was silent, and Screwball stared at Twilight. Twilight wondered if she was about to switch to serious mode on a whim.

“If you cured Mommy Eris,” Screwball finally said, sounding uncharacteristically even as if putting real effort into it. “I would do anything... unless it was mean... or boring... or would result in foal support payments... or didn't happen on a Tuesday.”

“Um, but how do we do that, Twilight?” asked Mercury quietly. “None of us know anything about chaos magic.”

“I know a little,” pondered Twilight. Discord allowed her to study him on occasion, even if the results never made sense. There had to be a way. “Screwball…has Eris become a being like Discord?”

“Probably,” said Screwball. “Maybe. Not quite though. She got upgraded, but isn't as powerful as me cause I'm half Daddy and she only bucked Daddy.”

“I see,” Twilight hoped she didn’t continue with any details of that. “From what little I know, chaos magic would cause serious weirdness if mixed with necrotic radiation, but it's not exactly something we can look up in a book. What type of radiation does she emit?”

“All of them!” Screwball said. Very helpful.

“Um, okay,” Twilight pondered. “Is there one that she emits more of? Gamma? Neutron? You could maybe just describe it?”

“It throws tiny stuff at other stuff!” Screwball explained. “Then that stuff gets radioactive too and throws more tiny stuff at still more stuff! That's why Mommy Eris lives in Daddy Discord's old pocket dimension. So stuff doesn't shatter into other stuff.”

Though she wasn't making much sense, Screwball had a serious expression, hovering still in front of Twilight as she spoke. Twilight got the impression that she really wanted to make sense so Twilight could help her mother, but Screwball trying to defy her nature was like a blind pony trying to describe a sunset.

“Well,” Twilight pondered. “Neutron radiation is the type that most often makes other things radioactive. Maybe... something that absorbs that? Um, how impervious to damage is Eris? Like could she be boiled in something molten?”

“We tried boiling her in all sorts of stuff,” said Screwball. “Nothing worked! It just leaked back out!”

“Did you try... hmmm,” Twilight pondered. “Did you try hoofnium? That can absorb many types of magic and radiation too. Combining it with orichalcum alloy might trap the radiation so it couldn't 'leak back out'.”

“We’re hoofing what now?” Screwball peered.

“It's an element,” said Twilight. “It's lustrous, silvery gray tetravalent transition metal, atomic number 72. Though she might have to boil for months if she is as deadly as you say...”

Most of the others looked at Twilight like she was speaking Old Ponish, though Ovo raised an eyebrow as if fascinated by the idea. Screwball tapped her chin as she spun around midair.

“The time it takes isn't a problem,” Screwball said after some thought. “I can change how fast time is in adjacent dimensions to speed things up, but I can't make hoofnium.”

“You can't?” asked Twilight. “Discord could make all sorts of things out of nothing.”

“Only things he'd touched before,” said Screwball. “It's the same with me. If I had even a tiny bit, I could make as much as we needed, but I can't pull it out of your head.”

“Wasn't that used in some balefire reactors to control the reaction?” asked Ovo. “I don't know where you would find any that hadn't degraded over time though, and my memories from the early war are a bit fuzzy on where they mined it from.”

“You were around in the early war?” asked Twilight. That was odd, as it implied that he might be around in Twilight's time as well, yet she'd never seen any indication that such an alicorn existed. “Would Skyla know perhaps?”

“I’m quite certain she doesn’t,” Ovo shook his head. “Besides, she prefers to know little of Statera’s activities for plausible deniability purposes. She probably wouldn’t even allow me to help them if it didn’t occasionally reap good information.”

Twilight remembered it was mentioned that Ovo and Skyla were ‘involved’, but Twilight doubted he’d talk about it with her if he didn’t even do so with Statera. It was peculiar though how he said she ‘allowed’ him to be here.

“I don't know if I approve of the extent they go to,” said Screwball. “But I definitely approve of sowing chaos as a tactic to create peace!” Maybe that partly explained why she let them base here at all. “Remember! Chaos brings peace, Order brings war!”

“Well, that's something at least,” said Twilight. “I'll put some thought into it and ask some friends that understand magitech more than myself. We'll come up with something, I swear.”

This felt like all the useful information they would get out of Screwball for now. They could ask the other residents of Discordia, but it seemed even less likely that they’d know since few or perhaps no current residents had been alive when it happened.

“Thank you,” Twilight finally nodded. “May I ask if it's okay for me to come inside Discordia?”

“You and Mercury-Pants can move in if you want!” Screwball said. “But you won't, so I'll settle for visits. I guess I need to talk to the scared flower bug back there, so I'll leave you to it.”

In a flash of light, Twilight was somewhere else, though it did have a familiar look to it. Ovo, Mercury, and Gloomy were next to her, followed shortly by Figment, as Screwball must’ve realized from a short chat was part of their group.

It looked a great deal like Discord's Ponyville, with checkered landscape, houses floating in various random orientations, and a light drizzle of chocolate rain. It seemed they had a working 'Sun' here too, though it looked rather creepy as it grinned down like some kind of cartoon.

“This place has more bright colors than my whole family tree,” Figment blinked.

Unlike Discord's Ponyville though, everyone Twilight saw in town was loving it there. Ponies and various other creatures were chatting, chasing each other, or playing rather odd games mostly using live creatures instead of representations. It included pin the tail on the pony, with a second, and third round for mares, using plug tails, as well as ‘operation’ There was a ‘hungry hungry hippogriffs’ game where ponies slapped hippogriff tails to make them eat balls of what looked like cheese. There was even a pony limb jenga, but Twilight hoped the limbs were given back.

She shuddered. It seemed like everyone existed with no responsibilities to speak of. Twilight would hate living in such a state herself; she'd feel like her entire life was finding ways to pass time while she waited to die, without ever leaving her stamp on the world. But if these creatures were happy and could leave if they wanted, she saw no harm in it. Though…

As they went along, Twilight steeled herself as she stared at some…rather more debauched games, with a particularly-strange one involving a zebra-pegasus couple getting devoured by an enlarged changeling colt just as they finished up.

“Some of their games seem rather… dangerous,” Twilight commented.

“Creatures don’t die here without opting in to it… normally. The crossed-out shield on those two’s flanks means they must’ve been bored enough to opt in,” Ovo said, pointing out a few that they passed. There was a crowd around them with laughing pinata bats about to go to it. “Once you join the game, you accept the outcome, so no backsies.” He chuckled. “Too bad we can’t stay longer, I’d like to see your reaction to a proper kaput party.”

“Something tells me I wouldn’t,” Twilight sighed as a chill went down her spine, looking away from the laughing group.

Twilight pulled up her pipbuck, seeing if it could run a scan, but the readings made no sense as she expected. According to this, the ambient temperature was 42,069 degrees and the digital compass said she was facing north-south-west-potato.

“Let's get out of the open before we're attacked by a rabid conga line,” Ovo rolled his eyes. “At least she spit us out near headquarters.”

Ovo walked to a door floating in mid-air. It had an odd bat symbol in a circle on the front of it, and when opened, revealed a darkened cave on the other side of the portal. Twilight didn't question it, following behind Gloomy and Ovo. Mercury nudged Figment in behind them before going in herself.

The cave was no less colorful, each rock a different one. As if to further annoy the senses, each stone changed to another random color when stepped on or touched. Twilight felt like she needed a pair of sunglasses. She’d go insane if she had to be here for long.

Overall it didn't seem like much of a military base in that there were no defenses or guards to speak of, but did they really need any in their current location? There weren't even any weapons that she could see, but she supposed Screwball didn't allow those.

There was what looked like a planning area at the front with a large holographic map of Equestria, not unlike the Cutie Map, and a number of maneframe terminals along one wall. In the next area of the cavern was a large common area with a table piled over with colorful fruit she couldn't identify. There were couches, a radio playing a song from what sounded like Radio Gollytopia of all things, and about two dozen bats.

The bats were mostly the standard range of dark browns and blacks, though there were a few with bright pastel colors as other types of ponies might have. Six of them were dancing in one corner, with two making out, while four others were stuffing their faces full of food at the table, one directly from the crotch of a mare on the table. Most of the others were just socializing, aside from the three stallions performing a shameless three-way on a couch.

“This is... not what I expected,” Twilight admitted.

“Yeah,” chuckled Gloomy awkwardly. “I’m told they used to be more normal, but Screwball instituted mandatory silliness quotients for all residents after noticing how boring they were.”

“Well, they must work well together if you’ve managed to keep balance for 200 years,” said Twilight.

“They do work well,” Ovo said with a proud smile. “But we’ve also been lucky. Because it’s impossible to get real spies into Trinity’s forces, she almost pulled ahead irreparably a few times. She only didn’t due to sudden bad tactical moves on her part. Honestly her recent attack plan seems almost the same. Not only is she using her entire army in the attack, she’s giving them far too much time to get ready.”

“I guess we can’t complain,” said Twilight, and it wasn’t particularly surprising that monster-Starlight would have occasional lapses of judgment.

“Can I have your attention please?” called out Ovo as he stepped in front of the others. “Except the love birds, they can finish.”

The room grew quiet, one bat flicking off the radio and all of them gathering around Ovo, except for those on the table and couch. For all their silliness, they were very quick to hop to attention when he called for them.

“This is the Paradox, Twilight Sparkle,” Ovo motioned to her. “Our new compatriot Gloomy Shade brought her here as promised, as well as her friends Mercury Shine and Fignut.”

“Figment,” Figment politely corrected, looking drunkenly at the happy couch-bats as if getting a lovely meal off them.

“Greetings,” Twilight nodded her head, trying hard not to get distracted. “Um, so what do you know about me?”

“They've all been provided with detailed reports of the situation,” said Ovo. “And the situation is grave indeed. We've staved off Trinity's attack on Midnight with misinformation, but it's only a matter of time, and I fear Midnight may resort to action we'd rather her not.”

“I see,” Twilight sighed.

“Did Screwball agree to the Ministry of Magitech thing?” asked a purple mare wearing a grape hat.

“Um, sort of,” said Twilight. “If I can find a cure for Eris' condition, she agreed that she'd rescue us from the Ministry after our mission... I think.”

“Oh well that should be easy,” said the purple bat. If the sarcasm in her voice wasn't apparent enough, the fact that half of the other bats face-hoofed sealed it.

“I know it seems bleak,” said Ovo. “But Statera hasn't faltered before when things got rough, and we can't now.”

“But can we trust this new Starlight?” asked one of the stallions from the trio, who had wandered over now. “From what we've gathered, she isn't a lot better than Trinity.”

“She's fighting Trinity,” said Gloomy. “And that's all the better we need right now. Her willingness to try insane plans might be exactly what we need.”

“What about the material that Twilight needed to do that?” asked Mercury. “To cure Eris, I mean.”

“Hoofnium,” said Twilight. “Ovo says it was used in some reactors way back when, but he doesn't know where it was mined. I don't suppose any of you do?”

“I'm going to assign some teams to head out and look for any information we can find,” said Ovo. “I'll send a group to what's left of the libraries at the Canterlot Archives and Magic School. Midnight's patrols in the area are letting us be, for the time being, so it’s pretty easy to move around her territory without having to hide.”

“Doesn't Unicornia use a variant of the old-style reactors?” asked a second pink mare. “We’ve seen it when they set up temporary outposts for experiments.”

“Oh yeah,” a brown stallion next to her rolled his eyes. “Cause they're just dying to lend it to a bunch of fang faces.”

“No, they wouldn’t,” said Ovo. “But they might to a bunch of unicorns.” He turned to Twilight. “You have three unicorns in your current group, yes?”

“Hold on,” said Gloomy. He likely wasn't keen on sending Twilight in somewhere he couldn't guard her. “We don't know anything about Unicornia on the inside.”

“We know that we haven't recorded a single instance of their patrols harming a unicorn that didn’t attack them first,” said Ovo. “We also know they are in possession of the most fully-functioning stable outside of Stable 27, which means they've probably had contact with that stable at some point. One of the unicorns with you was that stable's Overmare of over 200 years, yes?”

“Even if not,” said Gloomy. “She'd be able to tell you which stables possessed that type of reactor. Am I right?”

“Well yes,” Twilight said. “I think she did mention a stable in old Manehattan. We could ask her on both counts, it's worth a try at least.”

“Assuming she doesn't ask to kill me in exchange for the information,” sighed Figment.

“You could request residence here?” Mercury suggested. She seemed as concerned about Figment's safety now as she was when they all thought he was Tranquil.

“No, I can't,” Figment shrugged. “It's dumb I know, but I can't leave her on her own. If Tranquil knew how much she’s tried to improve, she wouldn't want me to leave her to her own devices.”

“She wants to kill you,” reminded Mercury, but Figment didn't have an answer for that.

“Allowing her to harm him is out of the question, just so you know,” Ovo said, more intensely than Twilight expected. “Unless there is more to add, we're done here. If we stay serious for too long, Screwball will demand we do something brutally silly to make up for it. I'll go back out with you when you report to Trinity 2.0; it's time I met her muzzle-to-muzzle.”