The Last Crossover

Transdimensional Antics, Part 1: Princess Celestia

Southern Wing of Canterlot Castle, 1500 Hours.

A studious, dark blue maned unicorn with a round cutie mark stood next to a broad-shouldered Pegasus who had a similarly round cutie mark. In the grip of his telekinesis, he was holding a clipboard with a list of anomalous events throughout Equestria. Princess Celestia stood before them, anticipating a report.

“Princess, the situation grows dire in Manehattan. The bulk of the transdimensional invaders are concentrated in the area. They’re laying waste to the city and surrounding countryside. I propose we send the bulk of the guard into the city and-"

The muscular Pegasus standing next to the unicorn spoke up, apparently protesting against the this plan.

“These incursions obviously cannot be fought effectively in an urban environ. I say we cordon off the area and kill anything that tries to get out. The civilians are… an unfortunate but necessary loss. Sacrifice one city, save the rest.”

“If we reduce this to nothing but arithmetic – that makes us no better than the abominations slaughtering us by the truckload!”

The bright red pony fumed. “You’re nothing but an overly-idealistic fool! You’re not able to make the hard choices! You never have! The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”

The unicorn obviously was taken aback for a moment, but then rapidly fired back “You talk of Saving Equestria! But if we abandon everything we believe in, Equestria is truly lost.”

“I accept that. But what I fail to understand is how we can do that with our rapidly dwindling forces. I mean, we literally are fighting two wars simultaneously. From the east, we’ve got a long attrition war with the Griffon Kingdoms. Then, within Equestria itself, we’re fighting these transdimensional invaders! We are stretched thin as it is. If we move the majority of our forces to this one area, we open ourselves to attack from other routes.”

Celestia sighed. As much as she valued her two military advisors, they had two very different perspectives on the world.

Paragon, the light blue unicorn, was a loving stallion – big family, big heart. He knew the world sometimes needed heroes. He also had an incredibly idealistic outlook.

Renegade, the red Pegasus, was the complete inverse of his coworker. In Celestia’s administration, there was always at least one of him - a warmonger. Somepony who understands the ruthless calculus of war. Working apart, they’re just two very different ponies with two very different perspectives. If somepony were to play their personalities off each other, the result is fascinating, to say the least. She, personally, had nicknamed the two stallions “Paragade”, playing off of the trend of creating a portmanteau name to refer to celebrities when they marry or date – like SapphFire, or SoarinDash. Frankly, these two were a short hotel stay away from being an item.

She interrupted the two’s bickering by holding up a hoof.

“What, exactly, is the greatest threat to Manehattan?”

The two glanced at each other, apparently wondering if they should tell her.

“Your Majesty… Erm…” Paragon drew a blank. He didn’t know how to explain this. He nudged Renegade offhoofedly.

Renegade’s eyes widened.

“Well, Princess. You’re not going to believe this.”

“It’s you.” Paragon said.

***

Meanwhile, in downtown Manehattan…

An alicorn that looked suspiciously like Celestia trotted past block after block with a stupid grin plastered on her face.

She walked past a mare cowering under the remnants of a crashed chariot. The poor earth pony was obviously distraught and panicking. Granted, with all the destruction and chaos going on around her, Molestia didn’t blame her.

The alicorn leaned down, peeking under the destroyed chassis of the chariot. She could smell the mare’s fear.

“Hiiiiii little pony.” The white alicorn said through a grin.

“Princess Celestia! Have you come to save us?!” The mare said nervously.

“Firstly, I’m not really Princess Celestia. And second… Not quite.” Molestia’s eyes shrank to the size of pinpricks.

"Of course, that depends on your definition of help.”

Molestia rapes all the ponies she can get her hooves on. But it’s really not rape if said ponies let her. And you know they do.

***

Back at Canterlot Castle…

“… Eww.” Princess Celestia deadpanned, obviously distraught over what her doppelganger was ‘doing’ to the Manehattanites.

Renegade continued. “Of course, your… horny clone is not the only being there. There are others.”

***

Back in Manehattan.

A massive ape had gripped itself to the top of the Pegasus Center. For some reason, a rather muscular human was riding atop the gorilla’s left shoulder.

“I PITY THE FOOL WHO AIN’T ON A ONE THOUSAND FOOT TALL SILVERBACK GORILLA!”

That’s right, mares and gentlecolts. Mr. T was riding King Kong. It looked even more absurd than it sounds. The beast roared with anger and violence whilst smashing a big hole deep into the side of the building.

“MR. T PITIES THE PONIES WHO ARE BEING SQUISHED BY HIS GOOD FRIEND HERE!”

***

“… Many are extremely destructive and actively hostile.”

Paragon elaborated. “But a few others, well…”

***

Mr. T and King Kong were still laying waste to the Pegasus Tower, throwing glass shards and steel bits all over the city.

Unexpectedly, a spotlight suddenly blinded the two would-be demolishers of Manehattan, whilst a voice sounded throughout the air, broadcast over a PA speaker. A massive amalgamation of titanium and darkly-tinted glass appeared, bristling with weapons on almost every surface. The biggest gun, a 500-foot-long railgun ran the length of the airship.

“UNKNOWN ABOMINATION! THIS IS THE GDS KODIAK III. CEASE YOUR RAMPAGE OR BE DESTROYED! THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING!”

King Kong just thumped his chest and roared.

“YOU WERE WARNED.” The Kodiak immediately fired its spinal railgun directly at the massive ape, exploding the beast into a million tiny gibs. Sir Isaac Newton would be proud.

Mr. T fell rapidly to the ground, becoming a pancake that just looooves gold chains.

***

“... Others choose to protect us, oddly enough. They bolster our military strength, help evacuate civilian populations. But… they are hopelessly and ludicrously outgunned…”

***

Just outside the Ponyville Schoolhouse, in the playground.

“OLD SPICE BODY SPRAY IS TOO POWAHFUL TO LET THESE ADORABLE PONIES DIE!!!”

Terry Crews was back-to-back with Saxton Hale. Apparently, they had both chosen the pony’s side. They were protecting a small group of school-age fillies, as well as a distraught Cheerilee from a Zerg attack wave.

“SAY HELLO TO CTHULHU FOR ME, AND TELL 'IM HE'S NEXT! HAHAHAHA!” Saxton yelled, right before impaling a Zergling with its own claw.

***

“… Regardless, they fight. Not just for us. But for every universe, every parallel. Every dimension and every world…”

***

Southeast of Ponyville, the Apple Farm.

A massive mountain of a man wearing jet black power armor shot 50mm rounds out of his C-24 Prototype Gauss Rifle. The "Brick Gun", as he affectionately called it, blasted a hole in the carapace of a charging Zergling that promptly and comically flipped head-over-stinger when conservation of momentum kicked in. The Apple Family's barn was, for some unfathomable reason, a prime target for the invaders.

Of course, it was also exactly where Raynor's Raiders had burned in.

He ducked behind the cover of the barn before the abomination's buddy took his head off.

“THIS IS JIM RAYNOR! If somebody, anybody reads this, a company of Marines and Marauders, including myself are pinned down by a hive of Zerg. We're hunkered down in a barn southeast of a population center! We need immediate assistance!”

Matt Horner's voice came back over the radio.

“Sir, the Hyperion is too far out. We won’t be able to make it in time. I'm sorry.”

“This is the Enterprise-E and Enterprise-A. We are moving in to render assistance and covering Phaser fire. ETA two minutes to arrival.”

“That’d be mighty appreciated, whoever you are... But the nearby village is about to be overrun!” Raynor said over the comm.

“This is the Systems Alliance Planetary Task Force Omega-9. We’ll hold Ponyville, don’t worry about it, soldier.”

"Who now? Whatever, how many soldiers do you have?"

"Three."

"Three will do exactly jack shit against the entire Zerg army!"

"Then, you obviously don't know me. I'm Commander Shepard, and I think Applejack is the best pony in all of Equestria."

Applejack who was eavesdropping Raynor's discussion blushed, her ears flopping back onto her head.

"Aww, ya'll're too kahnd."

***

“They fight for the multiverse.” Paragon stated.

“And they do it together.” Renegade added.