The Last Crossover

It was an idyllic summer day in Ponyville. The grass was freshly cut from the local team of dedicated gardeners. The birds were chirping and fluttering about in the warm breeze. Celestia’s sun shined brightly, beckoning the many residing ponies to frolic about in the warmth.

And by frolic, I mean run for their lives! When compared to other suspiciously similar idyllic days, this was no ordinary idyllic day!

You see, universe after universe has been collided with this one universe, this “Friendship is Magic” universe. All these universes intermingling have caused a 9001-Universe pile-up, with Ponyville caught in the center!
Brace yourselves, My Little Ponies.

This is The Last Crossover.

***

Princess Celestia was sitting on her truly regal throne, overlooking all the land from her… overlooking castle. She sighed, bored with all the pointless smatterings of politics and peace. Granted, it’s nice to not have to worry about shortages, unhappiness, despair, war. All those unpleasant notions are nothing more than a distant memory to Equestria at large.

But with all the great things peace had brought, peace was boring. The solar princess was almost inclined to break the stone prison containing Discord, just to upset the balance and let her have a little fun. Of course, every fiber of her being screamed and fought against the thought. She knew it just wasn’t worth it.

Celestia’s ears peaked when she thought she heard a distant noise, an almost ominous shout echoing through the furthest halls of the castle.

Probably nothing. Just Luna using the ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE on a poor guardsman who touched her sock collection… Or something.

She sat back, relaxing for a second, softly letting out another exasperated sigh. Just when she was finally relaxed, the noise returned once more, but much closer than it was.

“oooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”

A hairless ape, more muscle than anything else, crashed through the (Supposedly indestructible) throne room doors. It was clear from what Celestia could see that he was a very darkly-toned individual. Apart from his bipedal stance and bulging muscles, this creature did not belong to Equestria.

Also, he wasn’t wearing a shirt.

Celestia stammered, aghast at the sudden appearance of this bizarre being.

“WHAT?! Who are you? WHAT ARE YOU?! YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON’T CARE - GET OUT OF MY THRONE ROOM!”

“OOOOOOOOOLD SPICE HAS SIXTEEN HOURS OF B.O. BLOCKING POOOOOOOWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

This bizarre being had somehow mastered the ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE! It was beyond Celestia how it could have possibly learned how to cast the spell. For one thing, whatever this… Thing… Is, it didn’t have a horn!

“IT’S SO POWERFUL IT SELLS ITSELF IN OTHER PEOPLE’S UNIVERSES!”

Terry Crews twitched his manly pecs in an upbeat and over-the-top manner, making a noise like the whirr of a pneumatic drill.

“IT’S SO POWERFUL, IT CAN TURN OFF THE SUN!”

Celestia’s proud sun suddenly turned off, shrouding the world in total darkness like somepony had hit a big-ass light switch.

“BUT THEN IT GETS TOO COLD, SO IT MAKES ANOTHER SUN!”

Suddenly, the light returned, but almost twice as intense as it was before. Sure enough, Celestia looked out the window and counted two suns.

Son of a- He’s TAKIN’ MAH JOB!Celestia fumed.

“DOUBLE SUN POOOOOOWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!”

Suddenly, a dark blue alicorn about 3/4 of Celestia’s height galloped in, flanked by four Pegasus guards decked out in full sets of shock-trooper armor and armed with back-mounted rapid-fire spear launchers. Celestia thought the military grade equipment overkill for the situation. She was wrong. Nothing in all of Equestria could possibly deal with the raw preposterous levels of Testosterone of Terry Crews. He was so full of raw manliness, that he didn't really have Testosterone anymore - ONLY PREPOSTERONE!

“GUARDS! SEIZE THIS MANIAC! HE TOUCHED MY SOCKIES!”

The bizarre creature just stared at the group of soldiers, then promptly removed the second sun, returning the light level to normal.

“I… I put them back,” Old Spice Guy said normally.

The four guards looked at each other confusedly, before shrugging and launching onto an intercept vector to the muscle-bound human, who promptly returned to his previous volume.

“OOOOOOOOOOLD SPICE IS TOO POOOOWAHFUL TO LET ITSELF BE CAPTURRRREEEEEEED!!!!!!!!”

What happened next took place in the space of about a half a second. One moment, the guards were about 1 foot away from impaling the would-be sock bandit, the next they were... just 3 well-armored vending machines.

“POTATO CHIIIIPS!”

Terry Crews punched through the glass of one of the former Royal Guards, grabbing a random package of Frito-Lays and munching on a few of them, before promptly crushing the bag.

“WINDOW SMASH!”

This being had actually jumped out the window, leaving 2 dumbfounded Princesses in his wake. Princess Luna was sitting down just staring at the gap left in the window by the fleeing creature.

“W- What?” She said, completely stunned.

“I don’t know, Luna.”

The goddesses sat in silence for a moment before Celestia spoke up again.

“… Did he really touch your-”

“Wore, more like. We don’t want to talk about it.”

“… Wow.”

“Sister… what about the guards?”

“… They can wait, they’re not going anywhere. Candy bar?”

Celestia levitated a bar of Twix teasingly in front of Luna’s face.

“… Sure.”

***

The throne room had been steadily being cleaned up ever since the massive mountain of a bipedal creature known only as “The Old Spice Guy” had completely obliterated any semblance of structural integrity.

An older earth pony gentlecolt wearing a blue jumpsuit was standing about, sweeping up leftover shards of glass. Both from the “Vending Machines” and any that managed to land inside when the big guy jumped out the window. The only audible noise in the room was the scraping of glass over the floor.

Like she had for the thousand years previously, Princess Celestia sat atop her throne, flanked by her usual proud Praetorians plus a couple of extra guards, all dressed in Aegis Enchanted power armor… If the being that seemingly had no concept of an ‘indoor voice’ returned, she wanted to be ready.

Then… The unthinkable happened. An extremely loud Australian man came soaring out of the sky towards the castle.

“SAXTON! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALE!!!"

He smashed head-first through the skylight that overlooked the throne room.

“PROPERTY DAAAMAGE!!”

He landed not five feet directly in front of Celestia, his body spread out in a three-point landing.

Celestia was flabbergasted. “… What. The. F-”

Thankfully, her guards were already on the ball and started charging towards him.

“YOU THINK YOU’RE MAN ENOUGH FOR ME?! BRING IT ON, MY LITTLE PONIES!!”

Saxton immediately punched the ground in front of him, causing a small earthquake. The wall behind Celestia visibly began to crack, while the guards fell over, now easy pickings to the big Aussie.

What happened next is best not described in detail. All Celestia remembers is just a bunch of completely competent and highly-trained guardsponies were bashed into an incoherent heap. She didn’t think she wanted to see a spleen used like that again.

“GAME OVER! YOU ALL LOSE! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Saxton Hale promptly walked up to the same window that the Old Spice Guy had broken not a day before, and prepped himself to jump.

“BRAAAAAVE JUMP!” Like everything else he’s ever said, he bellowed this at the top of his lungs.

The glass should have given way right there, But Celestia was ready. Not even Discord could penetrate a pane of Transparent Ultrasteel. It’s enchanted to hold its own against powerful individuals like gods. She had replaced every window in the throne room with it, and was in the process of replacing-

“CHEST HAIR LASER!!!”

A bizarre blast of red energy that emitted itself from the Australia-shaped patch of hair on his chest blasted right through the supposedly indestructible glass. Celestia ran after him, but Hale jumped out the window anyway. She’d have to have some words with R&D.

Not particularly pleasant words, either.

***

A/N:

Originally, this little bit was going to have solid snake, but I couldn’t figure out how to portray him correctly, and honestly, didn’t work very well with… The other two invaders of this chapter. Seriously, Snake with Saxton Hale and Terry Crews? It’d be going from “BUILDING KICK! EXPLOSIOOOONS!” To “Otacon, what’s going on over there?”

I’ll squeeze him in later.