Long Road to Friendship Abridgedby AlbiChapters1. This is a Cash Cow, and We're Gonna Milk It2. No Puppies Were Harmed in the Making of this Terrible Fic3. Comedy is Easy. Writing is Much, Much Harder4. Where's the Plot? It Got Eaten by the Shark We Jumped1. This is a Cash Cow, and We're Gonna Milk ItIt’s like a normal abridged series, only not as funny. Once upon a time, in a world full of magical talking humans, there was a girl named Sunset Shimmer who was kinda a major bitch. Then she got punched by a rainbow. Unfortunately, that didn’t cure her. So the rainbow gave her a curse. Sunset crawled out of the crater, looking up at the pretty purple princess named Twilight Sparkle who had punched her with a rainbow. She began plotting how she was going to murder the princess. Like I said, the rainbow didn’t cure her. Off to the side, five girls waved at Sunset. The happy one named Pinkie asked, “Hey, Sunset, do you wanna be friends?” “F*ck off,” Sunset replied. “Okay!” Sunset snuck away to avoid corporal punishment, and so she could write down her revenge scheme before she forgot. As she was walking through the park, she heard a scream tear through the night. Looking across the street, she saw a familiar girl being chased by two ugly men. “Someone, please help me!” she yelled. “It is implied that we’re going to r**e you,” the two men said. Sunset looked up at the sky, more bewildered than anything. “Wow, author. Really? That’s how we’re starting this? I don’t even like her, but geez, coming in hot.” I was nineteen when I started this. “And it shows.” Get to work. Losing all control of her body, Sunset chased after them into an alleyway. With her special martial arts called kung-fu ex machina, Sunset beat up the two thugs. And the world was better off without them. “Where did you learn to do that?” the human version of the purple pony princess Twilight Sparkle asked. “Internet.” Sunset started walking away, but human Twilight was persistent and clingy. “Wait, tell me your name.” “Sunset Shimmer.” “Do you have a boyfriend?” “No.” “...Girlfriend?” “No! Why do you care?” “No reason.” Twilight’s face turned red. Get used to it because it does that a lot. “You saved my life. Can we be friends?” “F*ck off.” Sunset walked home. Twilight stared after her, feeling very hot. “I’m so in lesbians with her.” Sunset returned to her home which was a factory that was unclaimed by hobos. Unless you count Sunset as a hobo in which case, it was claimed by her. Just as she was lying down to sleep, she realized the author had left the curse quite vague. “Dammit, Albi.” She also forgot her revenge scheme for the pretty purple princess. “Dammit, me!” The next day she went to the mall to get a new jacket, since her old one got torn up by the pretty rainbow. Unfortunately, the lunch money she had saved up from bullying freshmen couldn’t pay for both the jacket and groceries. Sunset weighed the options in her hand. “Food or leather jacket… choices.” She decided to be ‘responsible’ and chose food. She regretted this decision as she walked out of the store and ran into Twilight Sparkle. “Hi!” “F*ck off!” The next next day, Sunset had to help fix the crater she made when she was a raging she-demon. Manual labor made her hungry, so she went to Sugarcube Corner to get a slice of humble pie. See what I did there? Inside, she found the Canterlot High Five. There was the shy one, Fluttershy, the country one, Applejack, the happy one, Pinkie Pie, the diva, Rarity, and the egomaniac, Rainbow Dash, stroking her ego like usual. “Hey, Sunset, why dontcha you come and sit with us?” Applejack asked. “Because I’d rather drive a spike through my skull. Because I’d rather play hopscotch through rush hour traffic in the middle of the freeway. In fact, I’d rather stand on a buoy while covered in raw meat with hungry sharks swimming around me. If I wasn’t forced to be the main character in a redemption fic, I would find new ways to make each of your lives a personal living hell, and go about them with an honest-to-Celestia smile on my face. You are each school clique stereotypes stretched over recognized characters from an already successful brand made to sell even more toys, and I am a puppet forced to interact with you. If I had a choice between getting punched with the rainbow again and being your friend, I’d pick the rainbow, Every. Single. Time. In short, I’m saying, f*ck off.” “Pleeeaaase?” Pinkie asked, her eyes becoming larger than an anime character’s. Dammit, they used the trigger word. Sunset sat down and glared at them, hoping to gain the ability to blow stuff up with her hate. No such luck. “So yeah, we know you totally hate us after we kicked your butt, but Princess Twilight wanted us to be your friends, so do you want to be friends?” Pinkie asked. “No.” “How about now?” “No.” “Now?” “Pinkie, didn’t you hear my spiel ten seconds ago?” Pinkie shook her head. “If it doesn’t have the words ‘parties, laughter, candy,’ or ‘polka’ then my mind forgets any sentence said in the last five minutes.” Sunset turned to the rest of the group. “Okay, so which one of you isn’t a total moron?” Applejack slowly raised her hand. “Or a country hick.” Applejack slowly lowered her hand. Rainbow stopped stroking her ego for a minute. “If you’re just gonna keep insulting us, then you can leave.” “Gladly.” Sunset got up to leave, but Pinkie tackled her to the floor. “Please, be our friend?” Son of a ****, flying **** monkeys with a side of **** and **** her and her family ******* sideways! “Okay.” Rarity blinked. “That was suspiciously easy.” The next next next day, Sunset found herself at the street fair with her new friends. “You’re not my friends,” Sunset said, “in fact, I hate all of you.” “Then why are you here?” Rainbow asked. “The plot needs to move forward eventually.” “This story has a plot!?” So the girls went totes shopping! Rarity put on a necklace and was dumb enough to ask Sunset’s opinion. “I think you look like a cheap hooker… oh you meant with the necklace on?” They moved on to games where Sunset won a prize. It was a pink unicorn doll. “I am hilarious and you will quote everything I say,” it said in a squeaky voice. Sunset looked sideways. “Did anyone else hear that?” But everyone was too busy watching the magic show put on by Artemis Lulamoon… of which Sunset suddenly found herself a part of. “How did I get in this box?” Sunset asked while Artemis held a saw over her. “Magic!” Artemis said. “Okay, real magic or fake magic?” “Not even the author knows!” “Dammit, Albi…” After being dismembered and reassembled, Sunset went with the girls to the petting zoo. Fluttershy showed another personality trait other than being shy, while Rainbow stroked her own ego in the corner. “Rainbow, quit stroking your ego in public!” Applejack said. “Don’t tell me how to live my life!” Meanwhile, Pinkie fed sugar cubes to a horse and said, “Hey, Sunset, since you’re a pony, I bet you’d love to f—” “You finish that joke and I’ll snap your neck.” And then a goat ate part of her jacket. “F****** **** nipples! This ******* goat **** ate my jacket! I mean yeah, it’s already messed up and probably beyond salvageable, but still! **** this noise, I’m going home! Oh, and f*ck you, Fluttershy.” Rarity stared at Sunset as she left. “That girl needs to get laid.” On the way home, Sunset stopped at the park to throw the plushie into the stream. “I’ll be baaaaaaack!” It screamed. “There, one less Twilight to think about.” And then Twilight Sparkle materialized behind her. “Hi, Senpai—Sunset!” Sunset flipped off the universe. “Can’t we just talk for a little bit?” “Okay, sure. I’m a pony from another dimension that’s full of magic and other sentient animals that can control the weather and the celestial bodies. Oh, and there’s another you and she’s a princess.” Twilight screamed. “No! That can’t be! That’s impossible!” “Search your feelings, you know it’s true.” Sunset shrugged. “Or, I could be crazy. Either way, f*ck off!” The next… school day, Twilight transferred to Canterlot High. It wasn’t so she could be close to Sunset or anything. That would just be crazy. She found Sunset at her locker. “Hi, Sunset!” “Holy **** and **** on a ******* Swiss cheese **** nuggets! Why does this ****** **** happen to me? What ****** sadistic **** thought it would be ******* funny to **** my ******* life this ******* hard in the ***!” “How are you making those noises with your mouth?” “F*ck if I know! And what part of f*ck off do you not get?” “I want to know more about the magic world.” And you. Mostly you. Sunset thought about it. Then she shoved Twilight into a locker. “Cafeteria at lunch.” “Yaaaaay!” So at lunch, Twilight sat down with the rest of the Equestria Girls. See what I did there? They then proceeded to shatter Twilight’s worldview and show her videos of the pretty purple princess. “You have shattered my worldview,” Twilight said. “I must now process this information.” She got up and ate lunch by herself, like the socially awkward nerd she is. Flash poked his head over. “Can I be in the story yet?” “F*ck off!” The following day, while Sunset was doing manual labor, she found Twilight crying in the bathroom. “Nerd, why are you crying? I haven’t bullied you yet.” “The girls don’t want to be my friend!” Twilight sobbed. “Yeah, I’m calling BS on that. You’re imagining it. Now stop blubbering and go home.” Twilight stopped crying. “Will you walk home with me?” “Only because I get out of detention.” Twilight rubbed her hands together. Yes, my plan worked perfectly. *cue awkward laugh.* So, the two girls walked home together, and Sunset’s meanness meter went down a little bit. They got to Twilight’s house, and she gave Sunset the plushie. “Where did you get this?” Sunset asked. “I didn’t dive into the stream if that’s what you’re thinking.” “Whatever, I’m going home.” Sunset walked away, taking the plushie with her. “Bye, Sunset!” “F*ck off.” Twilight smiled to herself. “Senpai noticed me!” The doll smiled to itself. “Everything according to plan.” Moondancer stared at her computer screen. “Why does this have 3000 likes?” 2. No Puppies Were Harmed in the Making of this Terrible FicAm I gonna get in trouble for this? Who knows, mods are gone. Did you know turning into a raging she-demon gave you mental scars? Sunset didn’t. That’s why she woke up screaming like a little girl every night. “Why am I so terrified?” Sunset asked herself. “I should be enjoying the pain and suffering of others!” “But that isn’t nice!” The little Princess Twilight doll squeaked. “You know what else isn’t nice?” Sunset took the doll and set it on fire. Unfortunately for her, the plot demanded it be invincible. “Dammit, Albi!” “So, vat seems to be ze problem?” The doll asked in a stereotypical German therapist voice. It also had a beard. And a monocle because reasons. “F*ck this, I’m going to school.” Sunset left, more irritable and angry than usual, which is really saying a lot. That’s when she ran into Fluttershy and remembered that she was cursed. “Please help at the animal shelter,” Fluttershy asked, handing out flyers and acting as moe as animeishly possible. Spitting fire and hissing, Sunset stomped over and said, “I’ll help you.” Fluttershy shrunk away. “Is this a joke?” “Me volunteering or the story in general?” “...Yes.” “No. Sadly.” Fluttershy eyes became huge and filled with kittens and rainbows. “So you’ll help me? Oh, thank you, Sunset senpai! Wait until you see all the little, happy animals—” “F*ck off,” Sunset said, walking away. “I’m now secretly in love with her,” Fluttershy whispered. “Back off, bitch, she’s mine,” Twilight hissed, walking past. Fluttershy bowed her head. “Okay.” While Sunset was mopping floors after school, Rainbow marched up to her, sweaty from having just finished stroking her ego. Oblivious to the wet floor sign, she slipped and slid into a locker. “Classic comedy right there,” Sunset said. “I think I bruised my ego.” Rainbow pulled herself out and pointed to Sunset. “I’m onto you, Shimmer!” “I hope not. Half the school already thinks I’m hot, and the other half already thinks you’re a lesbian.” “F*ck you!” “Take me to dinner first.” Rainbow grabbed Sunset and pinned her against the wall. “I know you’re planning to hurt Fluttershy by… burning the puppies or something.” Sunset smiled sadistically. “Yes, I’m going to burn all the puppies!” “You f*cking sadistic bitch!” “Rainbow, watch your language; we only have a teen rating for this story.” Seriously, how did this get past moderation? Rainbow dropped Sunset and started walking away. “If you burn one puppy, me and my ego are going to beat your face in.” The next day, Sunset went to the animal shelter, hiding a box of matches in her pocket. What, you thought she was joking about burning the puppies? Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, Peter the Parrot stole the matches from her pocket. “Raawrk! Pyromaniac!” “Damn straight.” Fluttershy walked in. “Senpai! I mean, Sunset, you’re here.” Sunset forced herself to smile. “That’s right. I am here to play with animals and totally not set them on fire.” Fluttershy clapped her hands. “Yaay! That’s great!” She handed Sunset a broom. “Now, clean up their poop.” So, Sunset spent the next hour cleaning cages. “I hate my life. But now I realize, maybe if I hadn’t been a bitch, I wouldn’t be here right now. Or if the princess hadn’t interfered. Yeah, let’s go with that second one. It’s all her fault!” Something licked her leg and she jumped into the air. Behind her was a cute puppy with a torn ear. “Evilness… suddenly… melting away.” Sunset shook. “Must… fight urge… to cuddle.” She lost. “Oh, you’re so adowable, yes you are! Yes, you are!” Sunset cuddled and petted the puppy while it licked her cheek. “When I burn the world down, you’ll be right there by my side.” It barked in joy. Later on, Sunset sat outside with Fluttershy watching the dogs play. Fluttershy pulled her legs to her chest, looking extra moe. “I thought about killing myself sometimes.” Sunset choked. “Okay, way to kill my mood, ‘Shy! What the heck?” “Yeah. I came here almost every day crying.” “Okay, Woobie, stop making me feel things!” “I wish I had someone to talk to during those hard times.” Sunset threw her hands up. “All right, I get it, I’m sorry! Geez, what do you people want from me?” Fluttershy flashed her super moe eyes. “Can I have a hug?” Sunset rolled her eyes and gritted her teeth. “Fine.” She hugged Fluttershy, trying to ignore the burning sensation on her skin. Why does kindness hurt? Over in a dark corner, Twilight was watching, sharpening a knife. On her way home from the shelter, Sunset cut through the park and found Rainbow and her ego. “Didn’t Applejack tell you not to stroke your ego in public?” Sunset asked. “Shut up!” Rainbow marched over and pointed a sweaty finger at her. “Did you hurt Fluttershy or the puppies?” “Since I’m forced to tell the truth, no. And while I’m on the truth, you’re just as terrible a person as I am for ditching Fluttershy for three years.” Rainbow stared slack-jawed, apparently just realizing that. The sudden realization broke her ego in half, and she dropped into a fighting stance. “You have stolen my honor! Now I must fight you to get it back!” “You mean make yourself feel better for being a total ass to Fluttershy?” Sunset snarked. “Shut up!” The Wheel of Fate is Turning! Rebel one… Action! Rainbow started with a forward A attack, but Sunset easily blocked it and countered with an up B before comboing into a down-forward A. Luckily, Rainbow had a fast recovery time and rolled back up. She jumped out of range from Sunset’s half-circle back C and attacked with her own half-circle forward B. She caught Sunset and followed up with several standing As before grabbing and throwing her across the field. Sunset caught herself and closed the gap, attacking with a quarter-circle forward D before canceling into back C and knocking Rainbow into the air and going for an up D, quarter-circle forward B, back C combo. Rainbow hit the ground and was about to activate her Overdrive when suddenly— HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER! Gilda and three lesser characters stepped out of the shadows. “Sup, Dash; fighting with your girlfriend?” “I’m not a lesbian!” Rainbow shouted. “Riiiiiiight,” everyone said. “That’s it, no one’s leaving here until I give everyone a black eye!” Rainbow pounced at Gilda. “And that’s how Rainbow and I teamed up and fought some gang members,” Sunset said to everyone gathered at the table. “So, yer friends now?” Applejack asked. Sunset shook her head. “No, I still hate all of you.” “Riiiiiiiight,” everyone said. In the next chapter, the author remembered to give Sunset her motorcycle back. She tried to drive away from all her problems, but the plot police caught her. “Ma’am, where do you think you’re going?” Shining Armor asked. “As far away from this fan fiction as I can get.” “Can’t allow you to do that, Miss Shimmer. Also, here’s a ticket.” “For what?” “Breaking the fourth wall too many times.” So, Sunset was forced to go back to school, where she heard a delightful sound coming from the music room. She was surprised to find Twilight playing the violin because all prodigy children know how to play the violin. “Twilight, was that beautiful noise coming from you?” “Was it a turn-on for you?” “Actually yes.” “Then yes, I was totally making that noise!” Sunset’s meanness meter went down a little more. “You want a ride home on my motorcycle?” Twilight squeed. “Yes, I’d love to ride yoouuuuuuuur motorcycle. Ride your motorcycle.” Shining Armor looked up from his video games. “My lesbian senses are tingling… Dammit, it’s my sister!” That weekend, the girls minus Sunset went to the park. “So, Twilight, I heard you had a crush on someone,” Rarity said. “I do not!” Twilight protested. “By the way, where does Sunset live?” “Let’s ask Flash!” Pinkie suggested. Flash gave them her address. “Does this mean I can be in the story now?” “No!” Sunset heard a knock on her door. “That better be the flamethrower I ordered off Amazon.” Instead, it was her ‘friends’. “Eeynope.” She slammed the door and turned around, only to find Twilight already inside. “Dammit!” “Wanna go to the mall with me on a totally not date?” “No!” “Please?” “Fine.” So they went to the mall and played giant chess. Sunset laughed maniacally. “Your army is formidable, Twilight, but you are no match for me! I have played with an immortal princess! My skills are far beyond your comprehension! I shall grind you into the dirt where you will grovel at my heels, begging for mercy while my pieces capture your king and force you to surrender a humiliating defeat at my hands! You will rue the day you—” “I yield.” “F*ck you!” To celebrate Sunset’s victory Twilight bought them milkshakes… which she then spilled on Sunset’s shirt. It was an accident. Totally an ‘accident.’ “Oh my gosh! I’m sorry! Here, let me clean that up!” She grabbed the napkins and started rubbing Sunset’s boobs. “Twilight, you’re fondling me!” “No, I’m not, I’m cleaning you!” “Twilight, there wasn’t that much shake, you’re just rubbing my boobs!” “Shut up and let me clean you!” Twilight rubbed harder. After Twilight finished fondling Sunset, they went their separate ways. Sunset rode her motorcycle home, confused. Why was she rubbing my boobs like that? It’s not like she likes me. At this point, some of you might be wondering how Sunset didn’t realize Twilight was completely in lesbians with her. Well— That night, Sunset had more nightmares about burning her friends while she laughed in delight. She woke up sweating and shaking. “I don’t understand, why don’t I enjoy their suffering anymore?” “Because they’re your friends?” Princess Twilight suggested. “Yeah, that’s not it.” Then came Halloween, and Sunset had somehow been talked into dressing up as the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. “So, are we on Earth Earth or a parallel Earth?” Sunset asked. “Yes,” Rarity answered. All of the girls gathered at Pinkie’s house for trick-or-treating and a sleepover. “Come on Spectacular Seven™! Let’s get candy!” Pinkie cheered. So they got candy. The Spectacular Seven™ played games, told spooky stories, and danced until everyone fell asleep. Then Sunset had more nightmares about being a demonic bitch and woke up in terror. She stumbled into the kitchen and started to cry. “You’re supposed to be a manipulative jerk who only cares about herself! Stop crying over them!” Just then, Twilight conveniently walked in. “Sunset, what’s wrong?” “I’m growing a conscience!” “Oh, come here,” Twilight cooed, taking Sunset’s head onto her chest. “Twilight, this isn’t as effective since you’re kinda flat-chested.” “Shut up and let me cuddle with you!” So they cuddled all night long. “This doesn’t mean I like you or anything… b-baka,” Sunset said the next morning. Maud watched them from the shadows. “It totally does.” Later that day, Twilight went to see Cadence at her radio station. “Cadence, I’m a lesbian.” “Hallelujah!” Cadence threw her hands up. “I totally ship you with this girl!” Flash’s voice came over the radio. “Can I be in the story yet?” “No!” Moondancer stuck her head into the recording booth. “Can I be in the story yet?” “No!” 3. Comedy is Easy. Writing is Much, Much Harder Insert some witty or dumb line here. I dunno.< Sunset Shimmer was still a bitch, but she was that one bitch that you tolerate because you know they can be cool sometimes. Her coolness to bitchiness ratio was still 25 > 75, but at least she was trying. You know, minimally. The day after she cuddled with Twilight, Sunset went out to buy more groceries with the money she should have run out of by now. Like seriously, by this point in the story, she should have been flat broke. At the store, she conveniently ran into the crazy old wizard from the street fair. “I am not old!” Artemis protested. “Stranger danger!” Sunset shouted. “You already met me!” “Yeah, you were supposed to be a one-off character. What happened?” Artemis grinned. “The author changed their mind.” “Dammit, Albi!” Artemis pulled out a business card. “Do you want a job or not?” “Is it going to give me mental and physical scars?” “Probably.” Sunset took the card. “Well, it still beats customer service.” That week at school, Sunset served her last days in detention. In hindsight, she probably should have gotten more for turning into a demon and blowing up the school! “Hey, I said I was sorry!” Pinkie jumped into the classroom from the window. “Who are you yelling at?” “The narrator.” Pinkie gasped. “You can hear them too! I thought I was just going crazy!” That did nothing positive for Sunset’s outlook on her sanity. “Pinkie, why are you here?” “To throw you a detention party!” She pulled a cake and the rest of the Spectacular Seven™ from the pocket dimension hidden in her hair. “Thank goodness, I couldn’t breathe!” Rarity shouted. During the party, Twilight sat uncomfortably close to Sunset. “Twilight,” Sunset said, “we need to have a talk about personal space.” Twilight leaned closer. “Okay, how much do you want to share?” Sunset shoved her out of the chair they were sharing. “None.” I love it when she plays hard to get, Twilight thought. Principal Celestia walked in, giving them all the annoyed look she had for most of the first movie. “Are you all having a party in detention?” “No,” they all chorused. “Yes,” Sunset said, hating her curse. Celestia stole some cake and walked out. “Whatever.” She stuck her head back in. “Detention tomorrow, Sunset.” Sunset opened her mouth to swear violently, thought about it… then decided to shut up. Twilight slid up to her and leaned on her shoulder again. “Wanna compete in the science fair together?” “No.” “Please?” “F*ck you.” “When?” Twilight asked, an eager light in her eyes. Sunset took a step back. “Okay, I’ll do the science fair with you, just… get that look out your eyes.” Twilight fluttered her eyes, making them moe like Fluttershy. “Is this better?” Before Twilight could respond, two stereotypical nerds, because everyone in this school has to fit an archetype because neither DHX nor apparently the author can think outside the box and create complex characters that actually represent today’s teenagers, approached our heroines. “Girls can’t enter science fairs because they’re girls,” the dorky one said. “Obvious sexist remark,” the geeky one said. “Really?” Sunset asked, looking toward the ceiling. “This is the plot we’re working with?” Hey, didn’t you already get a ticket for breaking the fourth wall too many times? “I’m just saying, you could have done literally anything else to make me join the science fair. Actually, was this even needed?” I wanted a sense of urgency! “Come down here and I’ll give you a sense of urgency!” Sunset said, raising her fist. “Fine, boys versus girls. You win, you can make out with Twilight.” “But I’m allergic to boys!” “And if we win, I get to beat the crap out of you,” Sunset finished. The two nerds snorted like typical comedy show nerds, even though nerds like that don’t actually exist anymore. “Deal! We’re gonna get to kiss girls!” “It’ll be the closest we ever get to losing our virginity!” Sunset sighed. “I hate this story.” The next day, Sunset went to work for the first time. “I feel like we’re working out of order.” “Welcome to the Lulamoon Magical Item Emporium!” Artemis said, appearing in a puff of smoke and gesturing wildly at the sign. The M fell off seconds later. Inside, Sunset found references to the author's favorite video games and books. She picked up a six-sided chest. “The heck is this?” “Foreshadowing!” Artemis said cheerfully. “And this?” she asked, holding up a hand mirror. “A plot thread that ultimately goes nowhere!” “Is anything in this shop actually going to be important to this story?” “Nope! Just like Moondancer!” “Who’s Moondancer?” “Exactly!” Trixie came downstairs. “Trixie is going to be antagonistic toward you for generally vague reasons and because Trixie seems to always be an antagonist.” Sunset threw her arms up. “Yes! Someone I can hate unabashedly and who’ll hate me back! Hallelujah!” You see, for Sunset to survive, she needs to hate at least one person at all times, otherwise, she lose her Vitamin H, and she’ll turn into a clone of Twilight Sparkle, and no one wants that. She would have continued hating the rest of the Spectacular Seven™, but since she spent some one-on-one time with them, she actually started to like them. “Okay, first, when did that happen? Second, no, I still hate them.” It’s the abridged version! I don’t have time to recap every chapter. And yes you do, the plot demands it. “What plot!?” “Sunset, who are you yelling at?” Twilight asked. It was then Sunset realized she was standing in Twilight’s house so they could work on their science fair project. “It’s not important. Let’s go to your room.” And the shippers rejoiced. Senpai’s in my room, Twilight thought. I must seduce her. Twilight seductively fluttered her eyes at Sunset, then seductively sat down and took out their tools for building their totally implausible EMP jammer, then seductively rolled out the blueprints. “You know, Sunset, I always thought we had chemistry together,” she said seductively. Sunset stared blankly. “We don’t. This is physics.” “Then let’s get physical.” Twilight was about to pounce on Sunset like she was a good book, but Shining Armor stuck his head through the door. “Hey, baby sister!” F*cking clam-jammer! “Just wanted to remind you this is a teen fic, and even if this is the abridged version, the author would never actually write you and Sunset getting it on. Okay, have fun!” “...Dammit, Albi.” So they worked on their project and nothing romantic happened. And the shippers cried in frustration. “Sunset tell me your backstory,” Twilight said. “Why?” “Because we’re twenty-five chapters into the story and we still haven’t covered up all the plot holes the first movie created.” “Yeah, that’s actually kind of important.” So, Sunset told Twilight her story, which pretty much amounted to her not being hugged as a child, finding out she had super magic, and then being a bitch about it until Princess Celestia kicked her to the curb. “Hearing that only makes me love you more,” Twilight whispered. “What?” “What?” At this time, you might be wondering what happened to the curse. It appears to be not as prevalent to the story as it was in the beginning. Well— The Spectacular Seven™ sat at their lunch table at school the next day. “Attention Students,” Vice Principal Luna said over the intercom. “This is a reminder that Sunset Shimmer screwed up the fall dance and we ran out of money for the winter one. Please direct all blame toward her. Thank you.” And so, the whole school hated Sunset. I don’t know why they didn’t hate her at the beginning of the story right after the dance happened. Did they remember that Sunset turned into a demon and brainwashed them? It’s never clear if they did or not. Oh well! “Maybe you should try apologizing to them,” Rarity suggested. “Why? I already apologized to everyone important to this story.” “What about Flash?” “What about Flash?” Twilight looked on in confusion. “I don’t know who this Flash is, but he sounds like Moondancer.” “I don’t know who this Moondancer is, but she sounds like she’s not important to this story,” Sunset said. The lunch bell rang, and while passing kids shot spitballs at Sunset— “F*ck you!” —Flash came over to Twilight, showing off his signature trait of being awkward while trying to be cool. Actually, that’s the only trait the movie gave him. “Hey, Twi, wanna go out sometime?” “I’m gay for Sunset.” “...So is that a no?” Sunset came and dragged him away by the ear. “Okay, I’m sorry I was terrible to you, you’re actually a good guy, stop being pathetic, and let’s try to be friends.” “Does this mean I get to be a part of the story?” “...Fine.” “Yes! I’m finally—” The next day, Sunset went to work again where Trixie was Trixieing upstairs. The author decided that this slow-burning romance was burning too slow and decided to make Sunset have a sudden revelation about her feelings for Twilight. “Oh no, I might have a crush on the human version of my sworn arch-enemy. I hate irony.” “Irony is one of my favorite literary devices.” “No one asked you, Albi!” That wasn't me! Sunset snapped out of her lesbian trance— “Hey!” —to see a pretty woman with long blue hair. “So, who are you?” “I’m Selena. I’m a stand-in for Principal Celestia because the author didn’t want you to live with her because by this point, that was already too predictable and cliché. Also, I’m Artemis’ wife.” Sunset took her hand. “I’m so sorry! Wait, that means Trixie has a normal loving family in this fic! That’s not allowed!” Upstairs, Trixie’s ears burned. “I’m going to ruin Sunset’s day tomorrow.” So she did. Sunset came to school hissing fire and throwing everyone into their lockers. “Someone stole our science fair project!” Twilight looked on as Sunset continued her rampage. “Science, she’s hot.” Applejack raised her eyebrow to the ceiling. “Shouldn’t you stop her?” “Fiiine.” So Twilight decided to finally act in character and calm Sunset down. “Wow, Twilight, you’re right. Needlessly taking my anger out on other people who had nothing to do with my current situation was mean and unjustified. I feel as if I have learned an important lesson.” Then Trixie walked past. “Imma kill that f*cking b**ch!” Twilight tried to stop her. “Wait, Sunset! If you kill her, you’ll become just like her!” “Okay, so, first of all, I’ve already done like, fifty things worse than what she did to me. Second, I don’t talk in the third person, so that’s not gonna happen.” “Oh.” Twilight stepped aside. “Then, by all means, wreck her sh*t.” Sunset marched up to Trixie, ready to strangle her. “Give back our science fair project! It’s the only thing that can move this plot forward!” “This story has a plot?!” “Right?!” Trixie pulled a smoke bomb out from her magical cape. “Karma no jutsu!” And she vanished in a puff of smoke, never to be tried for her crimes of breaking and entering or theft. Rarity stared as Trixie climbed out the cafeteria window. “Shouldn’t we call the police?” “What, and give the story a plot?” Sunset asked. “No, we’ll just make a new science fair project! Come on, Sparky!” Twilight fanned her face. “Oh my science, she finally called me Sparky. I’m so hot now.” And the two lesbians (well, one lesbian and one aggressive bisexual) worked all throughout the night. In Twilight’s bedroom. Alone. And nothing sexual happened. Twilight looked to the ceiling and flipped it off. Then, the science fair happened! You would think this is the climax of the story, but… Sunset walked across the gym but was intercepted by School Council President Lyra. “Hey, Sunny! Imma call you Sunny!” “Don’t call me Sunny.” “Sunny, I’m here to remind you that the whole school still really hates you and the author kinda neglected to follow up with that plot point back at the beginning of the story, so now they really wants to drive it home. So, if the Winter Ball fails, we’re gonna make you the scapegoat because we can!” Sunset crossed her arms. “And I care because…?” “Oh, sorry, let me be clearer. If this story doesn’t have a good finale, we’ll reboot the sequel and make Moondancer the main character!” “Who the f*ck is Moondancer!?” Lyra patted her cheek. “Don’t worry about it. Goooood luuuuuuck!” “And now, I have to burn this cheek.” … Oh right, we’re still dealing with the science fair! So, the two stereotypical nerds from before came back. Twilight sighed. “Right, you’re still in this story.” “We made a chess-playing robot,” they said, adjusting their pocket protectors. Twilight then proceeded to beat their robot. “Female empowerment!” Sunset held her arms out. “But why? The mane cast of this story are all girls. None of us have boyfriends. We’re all pretty self-reliant. What was the point of this? You’re just beating the idea like a dead horse!” Pinkie opened her mouth. “One joke and I’ll force-feed you your own hair.” Principal Celestia walked over, looking as bored as she did in the first movie. “Okay, girls, what deus ex machina did you build to win?” Sunset jerked a thumb to their table. “Well, I wanted to build a better story, but that was impossible. So we built a hydroelectric generator that could power the whole school with a hose.” The author would like to remind the audience that they were not a science major. Also, this universe has portals to magical dimensions and people who are 3/4ths leg. So shut up. Celestia gave them a good noodle ribbon. “First prize.” “No, Trixie has been defeated despite her obvious cheating!” “Oh no, our obvious sexism has cost us our victory!” The two nerds walked forward. “Can we get kisses anyway? We’re nice guys.” Twilight proceeded to kick both of them in the crotch. Sunset slow clapped. “I’m proud of you.” “Thanks! Wanna have Thanksgiving with my family?” “Haha, no!” “Please?” Oh right, I still have a curse. Boy, that hasn’t been relevant in several chapters. “Fine.” Twilight rubbed her hands together. “My plan is almost complete.” Moondancer lounged in her dressing room, a mud mask on her face. “And if you think this is disappointing, wait until the sequel.” 4. Where's the Plot? It Got Eaten by the Shark We JumpedIn which the plot gets needlessly complicated for no other reason than to drag out the story and create drama! Sunset went to Twilight’s house for Thanksgiving. “Okay, so, how will this go horribly wrong? Because I know it will.” Twilight opened the door, wearing the sexiest dress she could find in her closet… which was a skirt and a cardigan because she’s gonna be a librarian when she grows up. “Miss Sparkle, are you trying to seduce me?” Sunset asked, watching Twilight try to sexy lean on the door frame. “Is it working?” “No. Can I come in? It’s freezing outside.” So they went upstairs and Twilight played the violin because remember, she’s a little prodigy. Twilight held her instrument out. “Do you wanna learn how to play?” “No. Apparently, I’m not allowed to be as cool as my cartoon counterpart who apparently can shred a guitar, do art good, and fence. Why couldn’t I do all those cool things, Albi?” Because all of those require dexterity checks, and you’re a pony in a human’s body! Shut up! “Translation, they didn’t think of it. Anyway, let’s eat and get this over with.” Downstairs, Sunset sat at the table with the whole Sparkle family plus Cadence and her family, including her mom whom the author accidentally named Rose Quartz before ever watching or even hearing about Steven Universe, but that’s okay because we’re never going to namedrop her ever again. “Everything looks delicious,” Rose [Redacted] said. “So, Sunset, tell about yourself,” Twilight’s dad said. “I’m actually a unicorn from another world who grew up poor until I learned I had super magic and got to become the student of our demi-goddess ruler who can move the sun and moon. Then I threw a temper tantrum and ran away through a magical portal to this world where I actually live in a run-down factory. The room stared at her. “JK, LOL!” And everyone laughed. Thank Celestia humans are dumb, Sunset thought. After a traditional Thanksgiving dinner of food and talking about politics and Sportsball, Twilight walked Sunset out to the porch to say goodnight. Twilight grabbed Sunset’s hands. “Do you love me?” “What? No!” “Why not?!” “Because you’re a clingy jealous girl with yandere tendencies in this story. Also, if we kissed now, the story would be over, and we still have a whole arc left.” “But Senpai, I’m in lesbians with you!” “And I’m scared of commitment! Bye!” And so, Sunset ran away, leaving Twilight sad and brokenhearted. And the author feasted that day on the tears of their audience! The next day, Sunset ran into Trixie along the street. “Wait,” Sunset said, “Wasn’t I supposed to talk to Rarity first?” Weren’t you supposed to lie to Twilight’s family and break Twilight’s heart? “Weren’t you supposed to write that? And I did one of those things.” “Who are you talking to?” Trixie asked. “The author of this story I’m trapped in. What do you want Trixie.” “Nothing! Trixie totally wasn’t stalking you to get revenge for the vague thing she says you did to her or anything.” Sunset nodded absently. “Cool, I’m gonna go get a salad.” Just then, Gilda and her gang appeared again. “Hey, dweeb, remember when you and Dash beat me up?” “Vaguely.” Gilda pulled out a butterfly knife. “Well, it’s payback.” Sunset was actually nervous. “Listen, maybe we should stop this cycle of violence and become friends.” “Haha, no.” Thug Gilda would like to battle! Thug Gilda sent out her cronies! Wild Sunset fled. She caught up with Trixie, and they ran into a construction yard because that’s where all the cool fights happen. “Trixie doesn’t want to be in this story anymore.” “Tell me about it,” Sunset groaned. Gilda and the Gang (which she would later go on to name her band once she got out of juvie) cornered them on some gangplanks. “All right, dweebs, time to die.” Sunset put her fists up. “Okay, Trix, how good are you in a fight? …Trixie?” Trixie, not being the main protagonist in this story, removed herself from the scene. “Oh, for f*cks sake!” Gilda tried to slash at Sunset, but she used her protagonist powers to disarm Gilda and grab her knife. “Hah, who’s the dweeb now!” Gilda pulled out another knife. “F*cking—” “Don’t worry, I am here!” a magical and manly voice said. From a puff of smoke, Artemis and Selena appeared. With sword and sorcery, they beat up a couple of teenagers and tied them up for the police. They were like Batman and Batgirl, only way cooler. Sunset tucked the knife away, hoping to use it later but wouldn’t because the author totally forgot about it. “Thanks for the save but why are you here?” Artemis triumphantly put his hands on his hips. “We’re here to become permanent parts of the story! The author thought this would be a great way to show off our skills in preparation for the sequel, and look, everyone loves us!” Boohoo! This chapter sucked! Get back to the main plot! They jumped the shark! Pouting! Artemis deflated. “Well, we tried." Sunset stared off into the middle distance. She shook her head. “Sorry, I’m still getting over the fact that this story will get a sequel.” “Anyway, do you want to come live with us?” Selena asked. “No, because that means living with Trixie.” “That’s fair.” So the Lulamoons left and Sunset went to school the next day. And hey, it was snowing! Everyone likes snow! Plus, Twilight wasn’t talking to Sunset. “Life is good!” Lyra sidled up to Sunset. “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyy, Sunny.n Just here to remind you and the audience about the Winter Ball and the imaginary stakes we imagined to add more tension that may or may not have been needed to the plot!” “Oh right. That’s still happening.” “If you fail, we’ll make Moondancer the main protagonist for the sequel!” “Not seeing a downside.” “We’ll also take away your motorcycle and give her the new leather jacket.” “Oh, heck to the no!” Lyra waved. “K, byyeeee!” Sunset looked at her almost friends. “Who wants to help me plan the Winter Ball?” Pinkie waved her hand. “I do because it’s technically a party! Let’s talk about it over pizza!” So they went to get pizza. “Now that we’re here, let’s play the game: tell each other the hurtful things we secretly did while we were all fighting! I’ll start! I started a rumor that Applejack makes sacrifices to heathen gods!” Applejack raised her hand. “Ah told everyone Rainbow’s a lesbian!” “I am not!” “Riiiiight.” Fluttershy went next. “My animals swam in one of Pinkie’s punch bowls and made students get sick. That’s actually probably really bad.” Rarity raised herself in her seat. “Hearing all of this makes me realize how uncouth you all truly are.” Applejack nodded. “You’re right. We’re all vastly different from each other and secretly hurt one another while Sunset had us all split up.” Pinkie spoke up. “Hey, since we just opened up those old wounds, why don’t we all go our separate ways and not talk to each other again.” Rainbow nodded. “Sounds cool. I need to go stroke my ego anyway.” So everyone got up and left, leaving Sunset alone to pay the pizza bill. “You know, this could have just been the conflict right here. You didn’t need the Lyra sub-plot. But you don’t think that far ahead, so I’m talking to a brick wall.” She got up and left, not paying the pizza bill because Artemis never gave her a paycheck and she was broke. She tried to go home but remember, it was cold and snowing, so the door to her factory got stuck and refused to let her in. “Are you serious right now? First Twilight, then Gilda tries to kill me, then my friends leave, now this? This is bullsh*t!” Hey, you called them your friends. “Don’t patronize me!” Just then, Shining appeared, having heard Sunset’s screams. “Are you homeless?” “I would say no, but the curse still exists, so I have to say yes.” “I should send you to a homeless shelter, but my sister kinda likes you, so I kinda don’t wanna. You got anywhere you can stay?” Sunset knocked on the Lulamoon’s door. Trixie opened it. “Can I live with you?” “Why on earth would Trixie allow that?” “Because if you do, I promise you’ll get a bigger role in the sequel.” “Deal!” And so, Sunset started living with the Lulamoons, mostly to break away from the already well-worn trope of Sunset living with Celestia. After taking a hot shower and sleeping in a warm bed, Sunset’s meanness meter went down a little. “Okay, I should probably do something to make my friends like each other again. That’s a thing good people do, right? Ugh, but I’ll probably need Twilight’s help.” “Why don’t you want Twilight’s help,” her totally-not-new-sister Trixie asked. “Because she’s a clingy jealous girl with yandere tendencies. But I’m eager to get to the end of this story, so I’ll do what I have to.” So, Sunset found Twilight at school the next day. She was wearing thick glasses and had a ponytail because Friendship Games had just come out and inspired the author to make their Twilight look more like Sci-Twi “Hey, Sparky. I’m sorry I ran away from you on Thanksgiving.” “So you do love me!” “Never said that.” “That’s okay, I know what you mean. Wanna get our friends back together so we can end this story?” Sunset actually smiled. “I would love to.” She then shoved Twilight into a locker. “That’s for looking more like a nerd than usual.” “I love it when she does that,” Twilight said from inside the locker. So they devised a plan to make a super-cool dance. And because this world revolves around princesses, they decided that Twilight needed to win the crown for the Winter Ball. “Why?” Sunset shrugged. “I dunno, to make sure Rarity doesn’t win? She’ll be insufferable if she does.” Flash got to be a part of the story. He was going to play a song at the dance. “Cool.” The CMC got involved. They were going to sing a song at the dance. “Cool!” And everyone got all dolled up for the winter ball. Sunset and Twilight both wore really awesome outfits that you can go see in the original story. “All right, let’s do this. Grand finale time! All I have to do is make sure nothing bad happens at the dance!” Sunset said. When she got to the gymnasium, the lights were flickering, and there was no music. “Cool, it’s gonna be one of those nights.” Normally, she’d be all for making people miserable, but she wanted the dance to do well so she would keep her motorcycle and leather jacket. So, she ran around and started fixing everything. Twilight waited patiently. “She’s so hot when she’s trying to be the hero.” Just when Sunset thought she was done, the ice sculptures started to melt because the room was too warm. She grabbed her friends who were all trying to ignore each other and shoved them into the middle of the room. “Flash, CMC, play Shine Like Rainbows! I’m going to fix this dance if it kills me!” “We get to be in the story!” Flash and the CMC cheered before playing Shine Like Rainbows. “The song is so beautiful,” Rarity said with tears in her eyes. “Let’s be friends again!” “Okay!” The rest of the Canterlot High Five said. Sunset came back to the gym. “I have faced my inner demons in my attempt to make this night awesome. Are you guys friends again.” Pinkie nodded. “We’re officially the Spectacular Seven™ again!” “Cool.” Then, Celestia announced that the Princess of the Winter Ball was Twilight Sparkle. “You should give it to Sunset. She worked so hard to fix all those totally unexpected and not at all coordinated mishaps with the dance,” Twilight said. “Isn’t she totally dependable and selfless?” Celestia just wore that frown she had in the first movie. “Whatever. Here, Sunset. You’re the princess again. Don’t let it go to your head.” “It’s totally going to my head.” Sunset put the crown on. “I’m still queen B, b*tches!” She looked at Twilight. “Did you ruin the dance and make everyone miserable just to make me look good? ‘Cause that’s really hot!” Twilight smiled, proud of her desecration. “Yes, my plan worked! …This bit is gonna be hard to maintain in the sequel.” That’s cute, you think I’m making another abridged. “That’s the smartest thing they’ve said all story,” Sunset said. “Anyways, you wanna dance and make out, Sparky?” “I thought you would never ask,” Twilight said like a dumb, lovesick teenager. And then they kissed. Meanwhile, Flash watched. “My ex and the alternate dimension version of my one-night stand are making out. I’m feeling a lot of things. But at least I got to be in the story. Unlike Moondancer.” “Who the f*uck is Moondancer?!” Sunset yelled. Twilight cupped her cheek. “Just a clingy jealous girl with yandere tendencies. But it’s okay, ‘cause you’re into that, right?” Sunset looked at the fourth wall. “Is the story over now?” Almost. First, we wrap up loose threads. Principal Celestia walked over looking like she’d rather be anywhere else than an auditorium full of dumb teenagers. “Here’s your reward for not being as much as a b*tch anymore.” She gave Sunset a new leather jacket. “Dope.” Lyra pouted in the corner. “Darn, my plans to ruin Sunset’s life have failed.” Sunset rolled up her sleeve. “Why that—” Twilight stopped her. “Don’t worry. I’ve already hacked into the school database and changed all her grades to Fs. She won’t make it to graduation. Or the sequel.” “Celestia, that’s hot.” And then they kissed some more. And so, the Spectacular Seven™ made up and danced and everyone lived happily ever after. They also went to go see some shooting stars. That was cute. Moondancer jumped up from her seat. “At last, it’s time for everyone to see my brilliance! My debut shall be legendary! I’m so excited to finally be a part of the sto—”
1. This is a Cash Cow, and We're Gonna Milk ItIt’s like a normal abridged series, only not as funny. Once upon a time, in a world full of magical talking humans, there was a girl named Sunset Shimmer who was kinda a major bitch. Then she got punched by a rainbow. Unfortunately, that didn’t cure her. So the rainbow gave her a curse. Sunset crawled out of the crater, looking up at the pretty purple princess named Twilight Sparkle who had punched her with a rainbow. She began plotting how she was going to murder the princess. Like I said, the rainbow didn’t cure her. Off to the side, five girls waved at Sunset. The happy one named Pinkie asked, “Hey, Sunset, do you wanna be friends?” “F*ck off,” Sunset replied. “Okay!” Sunset snuck away to avoid corporal punishment, and so she could write down her revenge scheme before she forgot. As she was walking through the park, she heard a scream tear through the night. Looking across the street, she saw a familiar girl being chased by two ugly men. “Someone, please help me!” she yelled. “It is implied that we’re going to r**e you,” the two men said. Sunset looked up at the sky, more bewildered than anything. “Wow, author. Really? That’s how we’re starting this? I don’t even like her, but geez, coming in hot.” I was nineteen when I started this. “And it shows.” Get to work. Losing all control of her body, Sunset chased after them into an alleyway. With her special martial arts called kung-fu ex machina, Sunset beat up the two thugs. And the world was better off without them. “Where did you learn to do that?” the human version of the purple pony princess Twilight Sparkle asked. “Internet.” Sunset started walking away, but human Twilight was persistent and clingy. “Wait, tell me your name.” “Sunset Shimmer.” “Do you have a boyfriend?” “No.” “...Girlfriend?” “No! Why do you care?” “No reason.” Twilight’s face turned red. Get used to it because it does that a lot. “You saved my life. Can we be friends?” “F*ck off.” Sunset walked home. Twilight stared after her, feeling very hot. “I’m so in lesbians with her.” Sunset returned to her home which was a factory that was unclaimed by hobos. Unless you count Sunset as a hobo in which case, it was claimed by her. Just as she was lying down to sleep, she realized the author had left the curse quite vague. “Dammit, Albi.” She also forgot her revenge scheme for the pretty purple princess. “Dammit, me!” The next day she went to the mall to get a new jacket, since her old one got torn up by the pretty rainbow. Unfortunately, the lunch money she had saved up from bullying freshmen couldn’t pay for both the jacket and groceries. Sunset weighed the options in her hand. “Food or leather jacket… choices.” She decided to be ‘responsible’ and chose food. She regretted this decision as she walked out of the store and ran into Twilight Sparkle. “Hi!” “F*ck off!” The next next day, Sunset had to help fix the crater she made when she was a raging she-demon. Manual labor made her hungry, so she went to Sugarcube Corner to get a slice of humble pie. See what I did there? Inside, she found the Canterlot High Five. There was the shy one, Fluttershy, the country one, Applejack, the happy one, Pinkie Pie, the diva, Rarity, and the egomaniac, Rainbow Dash, stroking her ego like usual. “Hey, Sunset, why dontcha you come and sit with us?” Applejack asked. “Because I’d rather drive a spike through my skull. Because I’d rather play hopscotch through rush hour traffic in the middle of the freeway. In fact, I’d rather stand on a buoy while covered in raw meat with hungry sharks swimming around me. If I wasn’t forced to be the main character in a redemption fic, I would find new ways to make each of your lives a personal living hell, and go about them with an honest-to-Celestia smile on my face. You are each school clique stereotypes stretched over recognized characters from an already successful brand made to sell even more toys, and I am a puppet forced to interact with you. If I had a choice between getting punched with the rainbow again and being your friend, I’d pick the rainbow, Every. Single. Time. In short, I’m saying, f*ck off.” “Pleeeaaase?” Pinkie asked, her eyes becoming larger than an anime character’s. Dammit, they used the trigger word. Sunset sat down and glared at them, hoping to gain the ability to blow stuff up with her hate. No such luck. “So yeah, we know you totally hate us after we kicked your butt, but Princess Twilight wanted us to be your friends, so do you want to be friends?” Pinkie asked. “No.” “How about now?” “No.” “Now?” “Pinkie, didn’t you hear my spiel ten seconds ago?” Pinkie shook her head. “If it doesn’t have the words ‘parties, laughter, candy,’ or ‘polka’ then my mind forgets any sentence said in the last five minutes.” Sunset turned to the rest of the group. “Okay, so which one of you isn’t a total moron?” Applejack slowly raised her hand. “Or a country hick.” Applejack slowly lowered her hand. Rainbow stopped stroking her ego for a minute. “If you’re just gonna keep insulting us, then you can leave.” “Gladly.” Sunset got up to leave, but Pinkie tackled her to the floor. “Please, be our friend?” Son of a ****, flying **** monkeys with a side of **** and **** her and her family ******* sideways! “Okay.” Rarity blinked. “That was suspiciously easy.” The next next next day, Sunset found herself at the street fair with her new friends. “You’re not my friends,” Sunset said, “in fact, I hate all of you.” “Then why are you here?” Rainbow asked. “The plot needs to move forward eventually.” “This story has a plot!?” So the girls went totes shopping! Rarity put on a necklace and was dumb enough to ask Sunset’s opinion. “I think you look like a cheap hooker… oh you meant with the necklace on?” They moved on to games where Sunset won a prize. It was a pink unicorn doll. “I am hilarious and you will quote everything I say,” it said in a squeaky voice. Sunset looked sideways. “Did anyone else hear that?” But everyone was too busy watching the magic show put on by Artemis Lulamoon… of which Sunset suddenly found herself a part of. “How did I get in this box?” Sunset asked while Artemis held a saw over her. “Magic!” Artemis said. “Okay, real magic or fake magic?” “Not even the author knows!” “Dammit, Albi…” After being dismembered and reassembled, Sunset went with the girls to the petting zoo. Fluttershy showed another personality trait other than being shy, while Rainbow stroked her own ego in the corner. “Rainbow, quit stroking your ego in public!” Applejack said. “Don’t tell me how to live my life!” Meanwhile, Pinkie fed sugar cubes to a horse and said, “Hey, Sunset, since you’re a pony, I bet you’d love to f—” “You finish that joke and I’ll snap your neck.” And then a goat ate part of her jacket. “F****** **** nipples! This ******* goat **** ate my jacket! I mean yeah, it’s already messed up and probably beyond salvageable, but still! **** this noise, I’m going home! Oh, and f*ck you, Fluttershy.” Rarity stared at Sunset as she left. “That girl needs to get laid.” On the way home, Sunset stopped at the park to throw the plushie into the stream. “I’ll be baaaaaaack!” It screamed. “There, one less Twilight to think about.” And then Twilight Sparkle materialized behind her. “Hi, Senpai—Sunset!” Sunset flipped off the universe. “Can’t we just talk for a little bit?” “Okay, sure. I’m a pony from another dimension that’s full of magic and other sentient animals that can control the weather and the celestial bodies. Oh, and there’s another you and she’s a princess.” Twilight screamed. “No! That can’t be! That’s impossible!” “Search your feelings, you know it’s true.” Sunset shrugged. “Or, I could be crazy. Either way, f*ck off!” The next… school day, Twilight transferred to Canterlot High. It wasn’t so she could be close to Sunset or anything. That would just be crazy. She found Sunset at her locker. “Hi, Sunset!” “Holy **** and **** on a ******* Swiss cheese **** nuggets! Why does this ****** **** happen to me? What ****** sadistic **** thought it would be ******* funny to **** my ******* life this ******* hard in the ***!” “How are you making those noises with your mouth?” “F*ck if I know! And what part of f*ck off do you not get?” “I want to know more about the magic world.” And you. Mostly you. Sunset thought about it. Then she shoved Twilight into a locker. “Cafeteria at lunch.” “Yaaaaay!” So at lunch, Twilight sat down with the rest of the Equestria Girls. See what I did there? They then proceeded to shatter Twilight’s worldview and show her videos of the pretty purple princess. “You have shattered my worldview,” Twilight said. “I must now process this information.” She got up and ate lunch by herself, like the socially awkward nerd she is. Flash poked his head over. “Can I be in the story yet?” “F*ck off!” The following day, while Sunset was doing manual labor, she found Twilight crying in the bathroom. “Nerd, why are you crying? I haven’t bullied you yet.” “The girls don’t want to be my friend!” Twilight sobbed. “Yeah, I’m calling BS on that. You’re imagining it. Now stop blubbering and go home.” Twilight stopped crying. “Will you walk home with me?” “Only because I get out of detention.” Twilight rubbed her hands together. Yes, my plan worked perfectly. *cue awkward laugh.* So, the two girls walked home together, and Sunset’s meanness meter went down a little bit. They got to Twilight’s house, and she gave Sunset the plushie. “Where did you get this?” Sunset asked. “I didn’t dive into the stream if that’s what you’re thinking.” “Whatever, I’m going home.” Sunset walked away, taking the plushie with her. “Bye, Sunset!” “F*ck off.” Twilight smiled to herself. “Senpai noticed me!” The doll smiled to itself. “Everything according to plan.” Moondancer stared at her computer screen. “Why does this have 3000 likes?”
2. No Puppies Were Harmed in the Making of this Terrible FicAm I gonna get in trouble for this? Who knows, mods are gone. Did you know turning into a raging she-demon gave you mental scars? Sunset didn’t. That’s why she woke up screaming like a little girl every night. “Why am I so terrified?” Sunset asked herself. “I should be enjoying the pain and suffering of others!” “But that isn’t nice!” The little Princess Twilight doll squeaked. “You know what else isn’t nice?” Sunset took the doll and set it on fire. Unfortunately for her, the plot demanded it be invincible. “Dammit, Albi!” “So, vat seems to be ze problem?” The doll asked in a stereotypical German therapist voice. It also had a beard. And a monocle because reasons. “F*ck this, I’m going to school.” Sunset left, more irritable and angry than usual, which is really saying a lot. That’s when she ran into Fluttershy and remembered that she was cursed. “Please help at the animal shelter,” Fluttershy asked, handing out flyers and acting as moe as animeishly possible. Spitting fire and hissing, Sunset stomped over and said, “I’ll help you.” Fluttershy shrunk away. “Is this a joke?” “Me volunteering or the story in general?” “...Yes.” “No. Sadly.” Fluttershy eyes became huge and filled with kittens and rainbows. “So you’ll help me? Oh, thank you, Sunset senpai! Wait until you see all the little, happy animals—” “F*ck off,” Sunset said, walking away. “I’m now secretly in love with her,” Fluttershy whispered. “Back off, bitch, she’s mine,” Twilight hissed, walking past. Fluttershy bowed her head. “Okay.” While Sunset was mopping floors after school, Rainbow marched up to her, sweaty from having just finished stroking her ego. Oblivious to the wet floor sign, she slipped and slid into a locker. “Classic comedy right there,” Sunset said. “I think I bruised my ego.” Rainbow pulled herself out and pointed to Sunset. “I’m onto you, Shimmer!” “I hope not. Half the school already thinks I’m hot, and the other half already thinks you’re a lesbian.” “F*ck you!” “Take me to dinner first.” Rainbow grabbed Sunset and pinned her against the wall. “I know you’re planning to hurt Fluttershy by… burning the puppies or something.” Sunset smiled sadistically. “Yes, I’m going to burn all the puppies!” “You f*cking sadistic bitch!” “Rainbow, watch your language; we only have a teen rating for this story.” Seriously, how did this get past moderation? Rainbow dropped Sunset and started walking away. “If you burn one puppy, me and my ego are going to beat your face in.” The next day, Sunset went to the animal shelter, hiding a box of matches in her pocket. What, you thought she was joking about burning the puppies? Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, Peter the Parrot stole the matches from her pocket. “Raawrk! Pyromaniac!” “Damn straight.” Fluttershy walked in. “Senpai! I mean, Sunset, you’re here.” Sunset forced herself to smile. “That’s right. I am here to play with animals and totally not set them on fire.” Fluttershy clapped her hands. “Yaay! That’s great!” She handed Sunset a broom. “Now, clean up their poop.” So, Sunset spent the next hour cleaning cages. “I hate my life. But now I realize, maybe if I hadn’t been a bitch, I wouldn’t be here right now. Or if the princess hadn’t interfered. Yeah, let’s go with that second one. It’s all her fault!” Something licked her leg and she jumped into the air. Behind her was a cute puppy with a torn ear. “Evilness… suddenly… melting away.” Sunset shook. “Must… fight urge… to cuddle.” She lost. “Oh, you’re so adowable, yes you are! Yes, you are!” Sunset cuddled and petted the puppy while it licked her cheek. “When I burn the world down, you’ll be right there by my side.” It barked in joy. Later on, Sunset sat outside with Fluttershy watching the dogs play. Fluttershy pulled her legs to her chest, looking extra moe. “I thought about killing myself sometimes.” Sunset choked. “Okay, way to kill my mood, ‘Shy! What the heck?” “Yeah. I came here almost every day crying.” “Okay, Woobie, stop making me feel things!” “I wish I had someone to talk to during those hard times.” Sunset threw her hands up. “All right, I get it, I’m sorry! Geez, what do you people want from me?” Fluttershy flashed her super moe eyes. “Can I have a hug?” Sunset rolled her eyes and gritted her teeth. “Fine.” She hugged Fluttershy, trying to ignore the burning sensation on her skin. Why does kindness hurt? Over in a dark corner, Twilight was watching, sharpening a knife. On her way home from the shelter, Sunset cut through the park and found Rainbow and her ego. “Didn’t Applejack tell you not to stroke your ego in public?” Sunset asked. “Shut up!” Rainbow marched over and pointed a sweaty finger at her. “Did you hurt Fluttershy or the puppies?” “Since I’m forced to tell the truth, no. And while I’m on the truth, you’re just as terrible a person as I am for ditching Fluttershy for three years.” Rainbow stared slack-jawed, apparently just realizing that. The sudden realization broke her ego in half, and she dropped into a fighting stance. “You have stolen my honor! Now I must fight you to get it back!” “You mean make yourself feel better for being a total ass to Fluttershy?” Sunset snarked. “Shut up!” The Wheel of Fate is Turning! Rebel one… Action! Rainbow started with a forward A attack, but Sunset easily blocked it and countered with an up B before comboing into a down-forward A. Luckily, Rainbow had a fast recovery time and rolled back up. She jumped out of range from Sunset’s half-circle back C and attacked with her own half-circle forward B. She caught Sunset and followed up with several standing As before grabbing and throwing her across the field. Sunset caught herself and closed the gap, attacking with a quarter-circle forward D before canceling into back C and knocking Rainbow into the air and going for an up D, quarter-circle forward B, back C combo. Rainbow hit the ground and was about to activate her Overdrive when suddenly— HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER! Gilda and three lesser characters stepped out of the shadows. “Sup, Dash; fighting with your girlfriend?” “I’m not a lesbian!” Rainbow shouted. “Riiiiiiight,” everyone said. “That’s it, no one’s leaving here until I give everyone a black eye!” Rainbow pounced at Gilda. “And that’s how Rainbow and I teamed up and fought some gang members,” Sunset said to everyone gathered at the table. “So, yer friends now?” Applejack asked. Sunset shook her head. “No, I still hate all of you.” “Riiiiiiiight,” everyone said. In the next chapter, the author remembered to give Sunset her motorcycle back. She tried to drive away from all her problems, but the plot police caught her. “Ma’am, where do you think you’re going?” Shining Armor asked. “As far away from this fan fiction as I can get.” “Can’t allow you to do that, Miss Shimmer. Also, here’s a ticket.” “For what?” “Breaking the fourth wall too many times.” So, Sunset was forced to go back to school, where she heard a delightful sound coming from the music room. She was surprised to find Twilight playing the violin because all prodigy children know how to play the violin. “Twilight, was that beautiful noise coming from you?” “Was it a turn-on for you?” “Actually yes.” “Then yes, I was totally making that noise!” Sunset’s meanness meter went down a little more. “You want a ride home on my motorcycle?” Twilight squeed. “Yes, I’d love to ride yoouuuuuuuur motorcycle. Ride your motorcycle.” Shining Armor looked up from his video games. “My lesbian senses are tingling… Dammit, it’s my sister!” That weekend, the girls minus Sunset went to the park. “So, Twilight, I heard you had a crush on someone,” Rarity said. “I do not!” Twilight protested. “By the way, where does Sunset live?” “Let’s ask Flash!” Pinkie suggested. Flash gave them her address. “Does this mean I can be in the story now?” “No!” Sunset heard a knock on her door. “That better be the flamethrower I ordered off Amazon.” Instead, it was her ‘friends’. “Eeynope.” She slammed the door and turned around, only to find Twilight already inside. “Dammit!” “Wanna go to the mall with me on a totally not date?” “No!” “Please?” “Fine.” So they went to the mall and played giant chess. Sunset laughed maniacally. “Your army is formidable, Twilight, but you are no match for me! I have played with an immortal princess! My skills are far beyond your comprehension! I shall grind you into the dirt where you will grovel at my heels, begging for mercy while my pieces capture your king and force you to surrender a humiliating defeat at my hands! You will rue the day you—” “I yield.” “F*ck you!” To celebrate Sunset’s victory Twilight bought them milkshakes… which she then spilled on Sunset’s shirt. It was an accident. Totally an ‘accident.’ “Oh my gosh! I’m sorry! Here, let me clean that up!” She grabbed the napkins and started rubbing Sunset’s boobs. “Twilight, you’re fondling me!” “No, I’m not, I’m cleaning you!” “Twilight, there wasn’t that much shake, you’re just rubbing my boobs!” “Shut up and let me clean you!” Twilight rubbed harder. After Twilight finished fondling Sunset, they went their separate ways. Sunset rode her motorcycle home, confused. Why was she rubbing my boobs like that? It’s not like she likes me. At this point, some of you might be wondering how Sunset didn’t realize Twilight was completely in lesbians with her. Well— That night, Sunset had more nightmares about burning her friends while she laughed in delight. She woke up sweating and shaking. “I don’t understand, why don’t I enjoy their suffering anymore?” “Because they’re your friends?” Princess Twilight suggested. “Yeah, that’s not it.” Then came Halloween, and Sunset had somehow been talked into dressing up as the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. “So, are we on Earth Earth or a parallel Earth?” Sunset asked. “Yes,” Rarity answered. All of the girls gathered at Pinkie’s house for trick-or-treating and a sleepover. “Come on Spectacular Seven™! Let’s get candy!” Pinkie cheered. So they got candy. The Spectacular Seven™ played games, told spooky stories, and danced until everyone fell asleep. Then Sunset had more nightmares about being a demonic bitch and woke up in terror. She stumbled into the kitchen and started to cry. “You’re supposed to be a manipulative jerk who only cares about herself! Stop crying over them!” Just then, Twilight conveniently walked in. “Sunset, what’s wrong?” “I’m growing a conscience!” “Oh, come here,” Twilight cooed, taking Sunset’s head onto her chest. “Twilight, this isn’t as effective since you’re kinda flat-chested.” “Shut up and let me cuddle with you!” So they cuddled all night long. “This doesn’t mean I like you or anything… b-baka,” Sunset said the next morning. Maud watched them from the shadows. “It totally does.” Later that day, Twilight went to see Cadence at her radio station. “Cadence, I’m a lesbian.” “Hallelujah!” Cadence threw her hands up. “I totally ship you with this girl!” Flash’s voice came over the radio. “Can I be in the story yet?” “No!” Moondancer stuck her head into the recording booth. “Can I be in the story yet?” “No!”
3. Comedy is Easy. Writing is Much, Much Harder Insert some witty or dumb line here. I dunno.< Sunset Shimmer was still a bitch, but she was that one bitch that you tolerate because you know they can be cool sometimes. Her coolness to bitchiness ratio was still 25 > 75, but at least she was trying. You know, minimally. The day after she cuddled with Twilight, Sunset went out to buy more groceries with the money she should have run out of by now. Like seriously, by this point in the story, she should have been flat broke. At the store, she conveniently ran into the crazy old wizard from the street fair. “I am not old!” Artemis protested. “Stranger danger!” Sunset shouted. “You already met me!” “Yeah, you were supposed to be a one-off character. What happened?” Artemis grinned. “The author changed their mind.” “Dammit, Albi!” Artemis pulled out a business card. “Do you want a job or not?” “Is it going to give me mental and physical scars?” “Probably.” Sunset took the card. “Well, it still beats customer service.” That week at school, Sunset served her last days in detention. In hindsight, she probably should have gotten more for turning into a demon and blowing up the school! “Hey, I said I was sorry!” Pinkie jumped into the classroom from the window. “Who are you yelling at?” “The narrator.” Pinkie gasped. “You can hear them too! I thought I was just going crazy!” That did nothing positive for Sunset’s outlook on her sanity. “Pinkie, why are you here?” “To throw you a detention party!” She pulled a cake and the rest of the Spectacular Seven™ from the pocket dimension hidden in her hair. “Thank goodness, I couldn’t breathe!” Rarity shouted. During the party, Twilight sat uncomfortably close to Sunset. “Twilight,” Sunset said, “we need to have a talk about personal space.” Twilight leaned closer. “Okay, how much do you want to share?” Sunset shoved her out of the chair they were sharing. “None.” I love it when she plays hard to get, Twilight thought. Principal Celestia walked in, giving them all the annoyed look she had for most of the first movie. “Are you all having a party in detention?” “No,” they all chorused. “Yes,” Sunset said, hating her curse. Celestia stole some cake and walked out. “Whatever.” She stuck her head back in. “Detention tomorrow, Sunset.” Sunset opened her mouth to swear violently, thought about it… then decided to shut up. Twilight slid up to her and leaned on her shoulder again. “Wanna compete in the science fair together?” “No.” “Please?” “F*ck you.” “When?” Twilight asked, an eager light in her eyes. Sunset took a step back. “Okay, I’ll do the science fair with you, just… get that look out your eyes.” Twilight fluttered her eyes, making them moe like Fluttershy. “Is this better?” Before Twilight could respond, two stereotypical nerds, because everyone in this school has to fit an archetype because neither DHX nor apparently the author can think outside the box and create complex characters that actually represent today’s teenagers, approached our heroines. “Girls can’t enter science fairs because they’re girls,” the dorky one said. “Obvious sexist remark,” the geeky one said. “Really?” Sunset asked, looking toward the ceiling. “This is the plot we’re working with?” Hey, didn’t you already get a ticket for breaking the fourth wall too many times? “I’m just saying, you could have done literally anything else to make me join the science fair. Actually, was this even needed?” I wanted a sense of urgency! “Come down here and I’ll give you a sense of urgency!” Sunset said, raising her fist. “Fine, boys versus girls. You win, you can make out with Twilight.” “But I’m allergic to boys!” “And if we win, I get to beat the crap out of you,” Sunset finished. The two nerds snorted like typical comedy show nerds, even though nerds like that don’t actually exist anymore. “Deal! We’re gonna get to kiss girls!” “It’ll be the closest we ever get to losing our virginity!” Sunset sighed. “I hate this story.” The next day, Sunset went to work for the first time. “I feel like we’re working out of order.” “Welcome to the Lulamoon Magical Item Emporium!” Artemis said, appearing in a puff of smoke and gesturing wildly at the sign. The M fell off seconds later. Inside, Sunset found references to the author's favorite video games and books. She picked up a six-sided chest. “The heck is this?” “Foreshadowing!” Artemis said cheerfully. “And this?” she asked, holding up a hand mirror. “A plot thread that ultimately goes nowhere!” “Is anything in this shop actually going to be important to this story?” “Nope! Just like Moondancer!” “Who’s Moondancer?” “Exactly!” Trixie came downstairs. “Trixie is going to be antagonistic toward you for generally vague reasons and because Trixie seems to always be an antagonist.” Sunset threw her arms up. “Yes! Someone I can hate unabashedly and who’ll hate me back! Hallelujah!” You see, for Sunset to survive, she needs to hate at least one person at all times, otherwise, she lose her Vitamin H, and she’ll turn into a clone of Twilight Sparkle, and no one wants that. She would have continued hating the rest of the Spectacular Seven™, but since she spent some one-on-one time with them, she actually started to like them. “Okay, first, when did that happen? Second, no, I still hate them.” It’s the abridged version! I don’t have time to recap every chapter. And yes you do, the plot demands it. “What plot!?” “Sunset, who are you yelling at?” Twilight asked. It was then Sunset realized she was standing in Twilight’s house so they could work on their science fair project. “It’s not important. Let’s go to your room.” And the shippers rejoiced. Senpai’s in my room, Twilight thought. I must seduce her. Twilight seductively fluttered her eyes at Sunset, then seductively sat down and took out their tools for building their totally implausible EMP jammer, then seductively rolled out the blueprints. “You know, Sunset, I always thought we had chemistry together,” she said seductively. Sunset stared blankly. “We don’t. This is physics.” “Then let’s get physical.” Twilight was about to pounce on Sunset like she was a good book, but Shining Armor stuck his head through the door. “Hey, baby sister!” F*cking clam-jammer! “Just wanted to remind you this is a teen fic, and even if this is the abridged version, the author would never actually write you and Sunset getting it on. Okay, have fun!” “...Dammit, Albi.” So they worked on their project and nothing romantic happened. And the shippers cried in frustration. “Sunset tell me your backstory,” Twilight said. “Why?” “Because we’re twenty-five chapters into the story and we still haven’t covered up all the plot holes the first movie created.” “Yeah, that’s actually kind of important.” So, Sunset told Twilight her story, which pretty much amounted to her not being hugged as a child, finding out she had super magic, and then being a bitch about it until Princess Celestia kicked her to the curb. “Hearing that only makes me love you more,” Twilight whispered. “What?” “What?” At this time, you might be wondering what happened to the curse. It appears to be not as prevalent to the story as it was in the beginning. Well— The Spectacular Seven™ sat at their lunch table at school the next day. “Attention Students,” Vice Principal Luna said over the intercom. “This is a reminder that Sunset Shimmer screwed up the fall dance and we ran out of money for the winter one. Please direct all blame toward her. Thank you.” And so, the whole school hated Sunset. I don’t know why they didn’t hate her at the beginning of the story right after the dance happened. Did they remember that Sunset turned into a demon and brainwashed them? It’s never clear if they did or not. Oh well! “Maybe you should try apologizing to them,” Rarity suggested. “Why? I already apologized to everyone important to this story.” “What about Flash?” “What about Flash?” Twilight looked on in confusion. “I don’t know who this Flash is, but he sounds like Moondancer.” “I don’t know who this Moondancer is, but she sounds like she’s not important to this story,” Sunset said. The lunch bell rang, and while passing kids shot spitballs at Sunset— “F*ck you!” —Flash came over to Twilight, showing off his signature trait of being awkward while trying to be cool. Actually, that’s the only trait the movie gave him. “Hey, Twi, wanna go out sometime?” “I’m gay for Sunset.” “...So is that a no?” Sunset came and dragged him away by the ear. “Okay, I’m sorry I was terrible to you, you’re actually a good guy, stop being pathetic, and let’s try to be friends.” “Does this mean I get to be a part of the story?” “...Fine.” “Yes! I’m finally—” The next day, Sunset went to work again where Trixie was Trixieing upstairs. The author decided that this slow-burning romance was burning too slow and decided to make Sunset have a sudden revelation about her feelings for Twilight. “Oh no, I might have a crush on the human version of my sworn arch-enemy. I hate irony.” “Irony is one of my favorite literary devices.” “No one asked you, Albi!” That wasn't me! Sunset snapped out of her lesbian trance— “Hey!” —to see a pretty woman with long blue hair. “So, who are you?” “I’m Selena. I’m a stand-in for Principal Celestia because the author didn’t want you to live with her because by this point, that was already too predictable and cliché. Also, I’m Artemis’ wife.” Sunset took her hand. “I’m so sorry! Wait, that means Trixie has a normal loving family in this fic! That’s not allowed!” Upstairs, Trixie’s ears burned. “I’m going to ruin Sunset’s day tomorrow.” So she did. Sunset came to school hissing fire and throwing everyone into their lockers. “Someone stole our science fair project!” Twilight looked on as Sunset continued her rampage. “Science, she’s hot.” Applejack raised her eyebrow to the ceiling. “Shouldn’t you stop her?” “Fiiine.” So Twilight decided to finally act in character and calm Sunset down. “Wow, Twilight, you’re right. Needlessly taking my anger out on other people who had nothing to do with my current situation was mean and unjustified. I feel as if I have learned an important lesson.” Then Trixie walked past. “Imma kill that f*cking b**ch!” Twilight tried to stop her. “Wait, Sunset! If you kill her, you’ll become just like her!” “Okay, so, first of all, I’ve already done like, fifty things worse than what she did to me. Second, I don’t talk in the third person, so that’s not gonna happen.” “Oh.” Twilight stepped aside. “Then, by all means, wreck her sh*t.” Sunset marched up to Trixie, ready to strangle her. “Give back our science fair project! It’s the only thing that can move this plot forward!” “This story has a plot?!” “Right?!” Trixie pulled a smoke bomb out from her magical cape. “Karma no jutsu!” And she vanished in a puff of smoke, never to be tried for her crimes of breaking and entering or theft. Rarity stared as Trixie climbed out the cafeteria window. “Shouldn’t we call the police?” “What, and give the story a plot?” Sunset asked. “No, we’ll just make a new science fair project! Come on, Sparky!” Twilight fanned her face. “Oh my science, she finally called me Sparky. I’m so hot now.” And the two lesbians (well, one lesbian and one aggressive bisexual) worked all throughout the night. In Twilight’s bedroom. Alone. And nothing sexual happened. Twilight looked to the ceiling and flipped it off. Then, the science fair happened! You would think this is the climax of the story, but… Sunset walked across the gym but was intercepted by School Council President Lyra. “Hey, Sunny! Imma call you Sunny!” “Don’t call me Sunny.” “Sunny, I’m here to remind you that the whole school still really hates you and the author kinda neglected to follow up with that plot point back at the beginning of the story, so now they really wants to drive it home. So, if the Winter Ball fails, we’re gonna make you the scapegoat because we can!” Sunset crossed her arms. “And I care because…?” “Oh, sorry, let me be clearer. If this story doesn’t have a good finale, we’ll reboot the sequel and make Moondancer the main character!” “Who the f*ck is Moondancer!?” Lyra patted her cheek. “Don’t worry about it. Goooood luuuuuuck!” “And now, I have to burn this cheek.” … Oh right, we’re still dealing with the science fair! So, the two stereotypical nerds from before came back. Twilight sighed. “Right, you’re still in this story.” “We made a chess-playing robot,” they said, adjusting their pocket protectors. Twilight then proceeded to beat their robot. “Female empowerment!” Sunset held her arms out. “But why? The mane cast of this story are all girls. None of us have boyfriends. We’re all pretty self-reliant. What was the point of this? You’re just beating the idea like a dead horse!” Pinkie opened her mouth. “One joke and I’ll force-feed you your own hair.” Principal Celestia walked over, looking as bored as she did in the first movie. “Okay, girls, what deus ex machina did you build to win?” Sunset jerked a thumb to their table. “Well, I wanted to build a better story, but that was impossible. So we built a hydroelectric generator that could power the whole school with a hose.” The author would like to remind the audience that they were not a science major. Also, this universe has portals to magical dimensions and people who are 3/4ths leg. So shut up. Celestia gave them a good noodle ribbon. “First prize.” “No, Trixie has been defeated despite her obvious cheating!” “Oh no, our obvious sexism has cost us our victory!” The two nerds walked forward. “Can we get kisses anyway? We’re nice guys.” Twilight proceeded to kick both of them in the crotch. Sunset slow clapped. “I’m proud of you.” “Thanks! Wanna have Thanksgiving with my family?” “Haha, no!” “Please?” Oh right, I still have a curse. Boy, that hasn’t been relevant in several chapters. “Fine.” Twilight rubbed her hands together. “My plan is almost complete.” Moondancer lounged in her dressing room, a mud mask on her face. “And if you think this is disappointing, wait until the sequel.”
4. Where's the Plot? It Got Eaten by the Shark We JumpedIn which the plot gets needlessly complicated for no other reason than to drag out the story and create drama! Sunset went to Twilight’s house for Thanksgiving. “Okay, so, how will this go horribly wrong? Because I know it will.” Twilight opened the door, wearing the sexiest dress she could find in her closet… which was a skirt and a cardigan because she’s gonna be a librarian when she grows up. “Miss Sparkle, are you trying to seduce me?” Sunset asked, watching Twilight try to sexy lean on the door frame. “Is it working?” “No. Can I come in? It’s freezing outside.” So they went upstairs and Twilight played the violin because remember, she’s a little prodigy. Twilight held her instrument out. “Do you wanna learn how to play?” “No. Apparently, I’m not allowed to be as cool as my cartoon counterpart who apparently can shred a guitar, do art good, and fence. Why couldn’t I do all those cool things, Albi?” Because all of those require dexterity checks, and you’re a pony in a human’s body! Shut up! “Translation, they didn’t think of it. Anyway, let’s eat and get this over with.” Downstairs, Sunset sat at the table with the whole Sparkle family plus Cadence and her family, including her mom whom the author accidentally named Rose Quartz before ever watching or even hearing about Steven Universe, but that’s okay because we’re never going to namedrop her ever again. “Everything looks delicious,” Rose [Redacted] said. “So, Sunset, tell about yourself,” Twilight’s dad said. “I’m actually a unicorn from another world who grew up poor until I learned I had super magic and got to become the student of our demi-goddess ruler who can move the sun and moon. Then I threw a temper tantrum and ran away through a magical portal to this world where I actually live in a run-down factory. The room stared at her. “JK, LOL!” And everyone laughed. Thank Celestia humans are dumb, Sunset thought. After a traditional Thanksgiving dinner of food and talking about politics and Sportsball, Twilight walked Sunset out to the porch to say goodnight. Twilight grabbed Sunset’s hands. “Do you love me?” “What? No!” “Why not?!” “Because you’re a clingy jealous girl with yandere tendencies in this story. Also, if we kissed now, the story would be over, and we still have a whole arc left.” “But Senpai, I’m in lesbians with you!” “And I’m scared of commitment! Bye!” And so, Sunset ran away, leaving Twilight sad and brokenhearted. And the author feasted that day on the tears of their audience! The next day, Sunset ran into Trixie along the street. “Wait,” Sunset said, “Wasn’t I supposed to talk to Rarity first?” Weren’t you supposed to lie to Twilight’s family and break Twilight’s heart? “Weren’t you supposed to write that? And I did one of those things.” “Who are you talking to?” Trixie asked. “The author of this story I’m trapped in. What do you want Trixie.” “Nothing! Trixie totally wasn’t stalking you to get revenge for the vague thing she says you did to her or anything.” Sunset nodded absently. “Cool, I’m gonna go get a salad.” Just then, Gilda and her gang appeared again. “Hey, dweeb, remember when you and Dash beat me up?” “Vaguely.” Gilda pulled out a butterfly knife. “Well, it’s payback.” Sunset was actually nervous. “Listen, maybe we should stop this cycle of violence and become friends.” “Haha, no.” Thug Gilda would like to battle! Thug Gilda sent out her cronies! Wild Sunset fled. She caught up with Trixie, and they ran into a construction yard because that’s where all the cool fights happen. “Trixie doesn’t want to be in this story anymore.” “Tell me about it,” Sunset groaned. Gilda and the Gang (which she would later go on to name her band once she got out of juvie) cornered them on some gangplanks. “All right, dweebs, time to die.” Sunset put her fists up. “Okay, Trix, how good are you in a fight? …Trixie?” Trixie, not being the main protagonist in this story, removed herself from the scene. “Oh, for f*cks sake!” Gilda tried to slash at Sunset, but she used her protagonist powers to disarm Gilda and grab her knife. “Hah, who’s the dweeb now!” Gilda pulled out another knife. “F*cking—” “Don’t worry, I am here!” a magical and manly voice said. From a puff of smoke, Artemis and Selena appeared. With sword and sorcery, they beat up a couple of teenagers and tied them up for the police. They were like Batman and Batgirl, only way cooler. Sunset tucked the knife away, hoping to use it later but wouldn’t because the author totally forgot about it. “Thanks for the save but why are you here?” Artemis triumphantly put his hands on his hips. “We’re here to become permanent parts of the story! The author thought this would be a great way to show off our skills in preparation for the sequel, and look, everyone loves us!” Boohoo! This chapter sucked! Get back to the main plot! They jumped the shark! Pouting! Artemis deflated. “Well, we tried." Sunset stared off into the middle distance. She shook her head. “Sorry, I’m still getting over the fact that this story will get a sequel.” “Anyway, do you want to come live with us?” Selena asked. “No, because that means living with Trixie.” “That’s fair.” So the Lulamoons left and Sunset went to school the next day. And hey, it was snowing! Everyone likes snow! Plus, Twilight wasn’t talking to Sunset. “Life is good!” Lyra sidled up to Sunset. “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyy, Sunny.n Just here to remind you and the audience about the Winter Ball and the imaginary stakes we imagined to add more tension that may or may not have been needed to the plot!” “Oh right. That’s still happening.” “If you fail, we’ll make Moondancer the main protagonist for the sequel!” “Not seeing a downside.” “We’ll also take away your motorcycle and give her the new leather jacket.” “Oh, heck to the no!” Lyra waved. “K, byyeeee!” Sunset looked at her almost friends. “Who wants to help me plan the Winter Ball?” Pinkie waved her hand. “I do because it’s technically a party! Let’s talk about it over pizza!” So they went to get pizza. “Now that we’re here, let’s play the game: tell each other the hurtful things we secretly did while we were all fighting! I’ll start! I started a rumor that Applejack makes sacrifices to heathen gods!” Applejack raised her hand. “Ah told everyone Rainbow’s a lesbian!” “I am not!” “Riiiiight.” Fluttershy went next. “My animals swam in one of Pinkie’s punch bowls and made students get sick. That’s actually probably really bad.” Rarity raised herself in her seat. “Hearing all of this makes me realize how uncouth you all truly are.” Applejack nodded. “You’re right. We’re all vastly different from each other and secretly hurt one another while Sunset had us all split up.” Pinkie spoke up. “Hey, since we just opened up those old wounds, why don’t we all go our separate ways and not talk to each other again.” Rainbow nodded. “Sounds cool. I need to go stroke my ego anyway.” So everyone got up and left, leaving Sunset alone to pay the pizza bill. “You know, this could have just been the conflict right here. You didn’t need the Lyra sub-plot. But you don’t think that far ahead, so I’m talking to a brick wall.” She got up and left, not paying the pizza bill because Artemis never gave her a paycheck and she was broke. She tried to go home but remember, it was cold and snowing, so the door to her factory got stuck and refused to let her in. “Are you serious right now? First Twilight, then Gilda tries to kill me, then my friends leave, now this? This is bullsh*t!” Hey, you called them your friends. “Don’t patronize me!” Just then, Shining appeared, having heard Sunset’s screams. “Are you homeless?” “I would say no, but the curse still exists, so I have to say yes.” “I should send you to a homeless shelter, but my sister kinda likes you, so I kinda don’t wanna. You got anywhere you can stay?” Sunset knocked on the Lulamoon’s door. Trixie opened it. “Can I live with you?” “Why on earth would Trixie allow that?” “Because if you do, I promise you’ll get a bigger role in the sequel.” “Deal!” And so, Sunset started living with the Lulamoons, mostly to break away from the already well-worn trope of Sunset living with Celestia. After taking a hot shower and sleeping in a warm bed, Sunset’s meanness meter went down a little. “Okay, I should probably do something to make my friends like each other again. That’s a thing good people do, right? Ugh, but I’ll probably need Twilight’s help.” “Why don’t you want Twilight’s help,” her totally-not-new-sister Trixie asked. “Because she’s a clingy jealous girl with yandere tendencies. But I’m eager to get to the end of this story, so I’ll do what I have to.” So, Sunset found Twilight at school the next day. She was wearing thick glasses and had a ponytail because Friendship Games had just come out and inspired the author to make their Twilight look more like Sci-Twi “Hey, Sparky. I’m sorry I ran away from you on Thanksgiving.” “So you do love me!” “Never said that.” “That’s okay, I know what you mean. Wanna get our friends back together so we can end this story?” Sunset actually smiled. “I would love to.” She then shoved Twilight into a locker. “That’s for looking more like a nerd than usual.” “I love it when she does that,” Twilight said from inside the locker. So they devised a plan to make a super-cool dance. And because this world revolves around princesses, they decided that Twilight needed to win the crown for the Winter Ball. “Why?” Sunset shrugged. “I dunno, to make sure Rarity doesn’t win? She’ll be insufferable if she does.” Flash got to be a part of the story. He was going to play a song at the dance. “Cool.” The CMC got involved. They were going to sing a song at the dance. “Cool!” And everyone got all dolled up for the winter ball. Sunset and Twilight both wore really awesome outfits that you can go see in the original story. “All right, let’s do this. Grand finale time! All I have to do is make sure nothing bad happens at the dance!” Sunset said. When she got to the gymnasium, the lights were flickering, and there was no music. “Cool, it’s gonna be one of those nights.” Normally, she’d be all for making people miserable, but she wanted the dance to do well so she would keep her motorcycle and leather jacket. So, she ran around and started fixing everything. Twilight waited patiently. “She’s so hot when she’s trying to be the hero.” Just when Sunset thought she was done, the ice sculptures started to melt because the room was too warm. She grabbed her friends who were all trying to ignore each other and shoved them into the middle of the room. “Flash, CMC, play Shine Like Rainbows! I’m going to fix this dance if it kills me!” “We get to be in the story!” Flash and the CMC cheered before playing Shine Like Rainbows. “The song is so beautiful,” Rarity said with tears in her eyes. “Let’s be friends again!” “Okay!” The rest of the Canterlot High Five said. Sunset came back to the gym. “I have faced my inner demons in my attempt to make this night awesome. Are you guys friends again.” Pinkie nodded. “We’re officially the Spectacular Seven™ again!” “Cool.” Then, Celestia announced that the Princess of the Winter Ball was Twilight Sparkle. “You should give it to Sunset. She worked so hard to fix all those totally unexpected and not at all coordinated mishaps with the dance,” Twilight said. “Isn’t she totally dependable and selfless?” Celestia just wore that frown she had in the first movie. “Whatever. Here, Sunset. You’re the princess again. Don’t let it go to your head.” “It’s totally going to my head.” Sunset put the crown on. “I’m still queen B, b*tches!” She looked at Twilight. “Did you ruin the dance and make everyone miserable just to make me look good? ‘Cause that’s really hot!” Twilight smiled, proud of her desecration. “Yes, my plan worked! …This bit is gonna be hard to maintain in the sequel.” That’s cute, you think I’m making another abridged. “That’s the smartest thing they’ve said all story,” Sunset said. “Anyways, you wanna dance and make out, Sparky?” “I thought you would never ask,” Twilight said like a dumb, lovesick teenager. And then they kissed. Meanwhile, Flash watched. “My ex and the alternate dimension version of my one-night stand are making out. I’m feeling a lot of things. But at least I got to be in the story. Unlike Moondancer.” “Who the f*uck is Moondancer?!” Sunset yelled. Twilight cupped her cheek. “Just a clingy jealous girl with yandere tendencies. But it’s okay, ‘cause you’re into that, right?” Sunset looked at the fourth wall. “Is the story over now?” Almost. First, we wrap up loose threads. Principal Celestia walked over looking like she’d rather be anywhere else than an auditorium full of dumb teenagers. “Here’s your reward for not being as much as a b*tch anymore.” She gave Sunset a new leather jacket. “Dope.” Lyra pouted in the corner. “Darn, my plans to ruin Sunset’s life have failed.” Sunset rolled up her sleeve. “Why that—” Twilight stopped her. “Don’t worry. I’ve already hacked into the school database and changed all her grades to Fs. She won’t make it to graduation. Or the sequel.” “Celestia, that’s hot.” And then they kissed some more. And so, the Spectacular Seven™ made up and danced and everyone lived happily ever after. They also went to go see some shooting stars. That was cute. Moondancer jumped up from her seat. “At last, it’s time for everyone to see my brilliance! My debut shall be legendary! I’m so excited to finally be a part of the sto—”
