The Lion, the Witch, and the Dash Chair
Furniture Shopping
Two Anons walked into a furniture store.
They'd made friends through the internet, where they learned how well they got along and how much they had in common. Finally, they'd decided to become roommates.
But their new apartment was almost empty, without even one chair or table. The two Anons were determined to change that.
"Behold!" Anon2 gestured dramatically. "THE chair."
Anon laughed. The chair was colored like the cartoon pony Rainbow Dash, with a face like Rainbow's on the backrest. The chair's top was striped with several colors, imitating Rainbow's prismatic mane. "I can understand why this is marked down."
"Really?" Anon2 snickered. "Don't you think anyone would want a full set of these for their living room? To impress their girlfriend's parents, when they come over for dinner?"
"This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen," Anon said. But it tempted him. He could practically sit on a cartoon pegasus' face, almost like telling an egomaniac pony to kiss his ass. It was so wrong, it felt almost right.
"I wonder how comfortable it is," Anon said. He turned around, and sat.
"Huh. Softer than I would have expected. Whoa!" The seat seemed to collapse beneath Anon's buttocks, as the chair sucked him in.
Into...another dimension.
Pony Party
When your vision clears, you're sitting in the middle of a party.
A roomful of cartoon ponies are wearing different costumes, chattering and drinking and eating and playing silly games.
"Sure as a rattlesnake with a butter churn tied to its tail!" Applejack stands right in front of you, dressed in a lion costume and spouting countryisms.
To your right, Fluttershy is disguised as a batpony, with fluffy ears and fangs. It's kind of cute.
She's even chewing on a mango, just to make the costume truly complete.
"Huh," you say. "I never thought I'd ever get to go to Equestria."
To your left, Twilight Sparkle corrects you. "No, this is Eeequestria. We're at least two mirror portals away from that other place."
"That's what I said: Equestria."
Twilight shakes her head. "You left out two of the E's."
"What's the difference?" you wonder.
Twilight gestures emphatically. "In THIS world, Fluttershy is a batpony."
"That isn't a costume?"
Twilight winces. "We all agreed to excuse Fluttershy from specially dressing up for any holiday or party that involves a costume, because we find her terrifying enough already."
"It's true," Fluttershy says softly. "I'm sorry."
Pinkie Pie gives Fluttershy a big hug. "Aww, it's not your fault."
On the other end of the room, a florist faints.
Starlight Glimmer runs into the room, wearing what you suppose must be a 'sexy witch' costume, because of the way it only barely covers her flanks. "I'm so sorry!" she wails. "I didn't mean to do the spell wrong!" For a moment, her horn glows.
The chair changes shape beneath you. Now, you're sitting on the chest of a real pegasus, who pulls her face away from your backside.
"Phew! Yuck!" the blue pegasus shouts in a scratchy voice. "That guy pushed his butt right up against my lips! He didn't even ask first!"
You roll sideways, off the complaining pony, to sit on the floor instead. "Sorry about that," you say. "I thought you were a chair."
"Couldn't you tell I looked like a pony?"
"Well..."
"How stupid ARE you?"
You stand up, dusting yourself off a bit with your hands. "In my world, ponies like you aren't real. You're just a cartoon show. And this is probably a hallucination. I hope I didn't hit my head TOO badly."
"I don't care what your excuse is, you still sat on me and pushed your butt up against my mouth." Rainbow and Applejack exchange meaningful looks. "Turnabout is fair play!" Rainbow adds.
"Whoa," you say. That's a horse word, right?
Applejack whirls a lariat over her head. "'Whoa' is what you ought've said BEFORE you did that stuff to mah friend Rainbow."
"I DIDN'T stick my butt against Rainbow's face." Your hands pat your hips. "See? I'm wearing trousers. So that wasn't my butt, it was just some cloth. Just cloth!"
Rainbow snorts. "Rarity? Can you make me some trousers so Applejack can tie up this guy into a chair shape and I can sit on his face for a bit?"
Rarity's lips form a moue (which is like pouting, but in French.) "Rainbow, darling, I'm taking the night off from work. Can't you find another solution?"
Rainbow thinks for a moment, and grins. "Weird green guy!"
"What?" you ask apprehensively. "And my name is Anon."
"Whatever you touched to my lips...if you touch it to YOUR lips, that would make us even, right?"
"Uh...do you mean my trousers?"
"Yeah! You should kiss the backside of your own trousers, right here in front of everypony! That would be only fair!"
"I'm sorry, I'm not flexible enough to do that. If I even try, I would probably just hurt myself."
"So take 'em off! Take off your pants!"
How did shopping for furniture get so completely out of control? "It's against the customs of my people to take off our trousers in public. Or we at least need three or four drinks first."
Rainbow's eyes rolled with exasperation. "Fine, fine. Then I'll tell you what..." The pegasus leaps at you, wrapping forelimbs around your neck and shoulders. "If you got anything icky on MY lips, now it goes on YOURS."
The pegasus' velvety muzzle presses against your face. "Open your mouth, Anon. I expect some TONGUE." The pony's mouth opens wider. Much wider.
Buck it. Who cares? If a cartoon pony wants to kiss you in a hallucination, why not? What's the worst that can happen? You open your lips, and stick your tongue into the pegasus' mouth.
It turns out, pegasus lips are warm and wet, but not TOO wet, not downright slobbery. But you didn't expect the pegasus' mouth to be so...strong. Downright muscular.
But this IS the world class athlete Rainbow Dash, so what else should you have expected?
After a minute of tongue tag, you pull back a bit. "Wow," you say. Rainbow is, believe it or not, a pretty good kisser.
"I know, right?" Rainbow brags.
"I never kissed a pony before."
Rainbow winks. "But we're totally awesome kissers, right? At least a hundred percent cooler than kissing whatever kind of creature YOU are?"
You take a deep breath. "Rainbow Dash--"
"WHAT?" Rainbow shouts. "WHAT did you just call me?"
Twilight interrupts. "Oh! I forgot to tell you the other difference between Equestria and Eeequestria!"
"What's that?" you ask, fearing the worst.
"This isn't Rainbow Dash, famous rainbow-striped LGBT pride icon."
"Then who did I just kiss?"
"This is Rainbow BRASH, famous rainbow-striped LGBT pride icon."
"Oh. I'm sorry I called you Rainbow Dash. I literally didn't know any better. I've only been in this world for a few minutes, you know."
"Yeah," Rainbow says. "And if you'd known better than to sit on somepony's FACE without even ASKING, maybe you STILL wouldn't be here."
"I said sorry."
"Also," Twilight adds, "Rainbow Brash isn't a mare. He's a stallion."
You look at Rainbow. You try to crane your neck around to look at the pegasus' behind. You use your hands to unwrap the pegasus' forelimbs from your neck and shoulders, and walk around behind the pegasus. You squat to get a better view. "I honestly can't see any difference."
Rainbow laughs. "Why would you SEE any difference down there? Don't you even know how these things work?"
"I guess not. I mean, in my world it's pretty obvious. That's why we wear pants."
"You wear pants so no one will know whether you're a mare or a stallion?"
"No. I mean, I'm sure that makes logical sense to you, but...no."
"You wear pants so ponies WILL know whether you're a mare or a stallion?"
You blink. "That's not what I meant. But I guess the style of someone's pants or skirt or dress or makeup do depend on...I mean..." You sigh. "You know what? I don't even want to try to explain it right now."
"Ok," Rainbow says. "Wanna kiss again? I think you owe me at least three more big kisses. I mean, unless you think I should sit on your face instead. Your choice!"
You look around the room. Nopony seems to think what Rainbow said is weird at all.
And to be fair, you did sit on a pony's face without even asking them...even if you thought she, no HE, was a chair at the time. When you think about what you did, who here is the weird one?
You sigh. "Pinkie...please give me at least three stiff drinks. That means, with plenty of alcohol in them."
"Coming right up!" She starts to pour the first one.
Author's Note
~~~"Je~ne~regrette~rien."~~~
I EDITED THIS AUTHOR'S NOTE 2024 January 13/14, because it turns out "Je ne regrette rien" was used in the ~1950s~ early 1960s as a symbol of something I don't especially like. SO I guess "Je regrette le choix d'une chanson."
Also, each time someone upvotes OR downvotes this story, a fairy receives his or her (or their?) wings.
🔔
